The Avengers (1961) s04e17 Episode Script
The Girl From Auntie
1 ( music ) ( theme music ) ( birds twittering ) ( rooster crows ) Been away for a few days.
Mrs.
Peel? If you get tired of waiting, there should be something there to amuse you.
Oh, Mrs.
Peel? Yes? What can I do for you? - I'm to deliver this to Mrs.
Emma Peel.
- Well, I'm Mrs.
Emma Peel.
A friend of yours, John Steed, sent it.
Steed? A small, fat man with a gray moustache.
Oh, of course.
Now I remember.
Thank you.
May I? Well, what's in it? - Don't you know? - Should I? - I imagined you would.
- Well, I don't.
A lobster.
How super! Where shall I put it? In here? Well, I wouldn't, not unless it's sleepy.
That's the bedroom.
The kitchen's over there.
( chuckles ) How was he? Steed? - Oh, well - Good.
As can be expected.
Oh, of course.
Well, this won't get the lobsters delivered.
- Good day, Mrs.
Peel.
- Good day.
( telephone rings ) ( ring ring ) ( ring ring ) Emma Peel.
( upper-class accent ) Emma? Aha.
It's old lover boy himself.
I've just got back from Karachi.
Be with you in a couple of jiffs.
Hoity-toi! ( chuckles ) A couple of jiffs.
Lover boy.
Ooh.
Follow her.
Very well.
I'll tell him.
Thank you.
Lot 17 has been safely stowed, sir.
- No problems with the shipment? - No, none at all.
Excellent.
And what about Operation Cast-Off? Being attended to.
Mm-hmm.
And so everyone associated with the the fake Mrs.
Peel? Will be eliminated.
Beginning with the theatrical agents.
Time for explanations, isn't it? Starting with the fact that you're not Mrs.
Emma Peel.
- Who are you? - Wasn't I very convincing? - No.
Who are you? - I'm Georgie Price-Jones.
Hello, Georgie.
Why are you trying to pass yourself off as Mrs.
Peel? I was hired to.
Where's the real Mrs.
Peel? I don't know.
I just answered this advertisement and got the job to impersonate her.
And you were briefed in here? By a Mr.
Lamb.
But where's he got to? So that's where he got to.
Was there anyone else here when you were hired? A couple of advertising men.
Bates and Marshall.
( boiling ) - What are you doing? - Looking for clues.
Oh, I see.
Clues.
11:00 appointment with Auntie.
Steed, listen to this.
S1 K9 K2 togg tbl.
- Well? - Don't you see? It's a code.
It seemed very cluelike.
Bates and Marshall? It's a check made out to me.
The first half of my fee.
Drawn against the account of Barrett, Barrett & Wimpole.
Messrs.
Barrett Barrett And Wimpole.
Six bodies in an hour and 20 minutes.
- What do you call that? - It's a good first act.
- Where next? - I don't know.
Well, you disappoint me, Miss Price-Jones.
Well, there's always this.
S1 K9 K2 tog tbl AKC.
Togs.
Clothes.
Theatrical costumiers.
Well, they supplied the clothes and wigs.
The four Jacques brothers.
John, Paul, George and Fred.
Hello? Anyone home? I've heard of history repeating itself, but Losing your touch? This one isn't dead.
Auntie Auntie did it.
Auntie? Auntie who? - You know what I think? - No, what do you think? Someone's kidnapped your friend Mrs.
Peel.
The same thought had occurred to me.
- Great minds.
- Don't they? Maybe they'll demand extortion money.
I don't think it's that sort of kidnapping.
Dead end.
Well, there's always S1 K2 K9.
Tbl tog AKC.
Now where is it? I'm quite sure I left it in here, but just where? Ah, there it is.
My knitting pattern.
I knew I'd left it in here.
Oh, naughty boys.
Always up to some game or other.
Madam, uh Naughty, naughty boys, but so sweet, don't you think? Do you know these gentlemen? What, John, Paul, George and Fred? Well, of course, I know them.
You can get up now.
They're my favorite nephews.
Absolutely my favorite.
- Nephews? - Naturally.
And I like to think that I am their favorite auntie.
It was so kind of you to invite me home to tea.
Such a charming gesture.
One meets with them so seldom these days.
But I do think I should have had a word with John, Paul, George and Fred before I left.
They were resting.
It was their express wish that they remain undisturbed.
I understand.
Absolutely dead to the world.
It runs in the family, you know.
Very heavy sleepers.
Madam-- You don't mind if I go on with my knitting, do you? About your nephews John, Paul, George and Fred.
They're dear boys, all of them.
Dear, dear boys.
I would love to do you in poodle wool.
Did they have a visitor this morning? Oh, yes.
Me.
I always call on a Thursday, you see.
Oh, lovely.
Have you seen this before? Oh, yes.
My dear man, you're a member, too.
- A member of what? - Oh, surely you must know.
The Arkwright Knitting Circle.
This way, dear boy.
Look alive, take a pair of fives.
Cast on and watch it grow.
Not too fast and not too slow.
Knit along and away we go! - Mr.
Arkwright? - Shh! Good afternoon, madam.
It's lovely to see you again.
I don't want to spoil the concentration.
Quite.
Between now and the tea interval could be quite critical.
- Mr.
Arkwright? - Yes? This is Mr.
Steed.
How do you do? He wants to know more about our little circle.
Really? Thank you.
- Now, do you knit? - Oh, you should, you know.
Knitting is one of the neglected arts.
It binds the family together.
Brings peace to the home.
Listen.
The sheer serene sound of clicking needles.
Excuse me.
( as a square dance caller ) Fingers nimble, fingers sprite.
Cast to the left, cast to the right.
First one purl, then one plain.
Then two purl and back again! ( chuckles ) Do you know, I used to come home from the office rather tired and irritable.
Nowadays, half an hour's knitting, and what have I got? Peace of mind, Mr.
Steed, peace of mind.
And I've really scooped the pool, you know.
Here you see the cream of the nation's knitters.
Now look there.
You see? Mrs.
Bullsover.
Beautiful mover, isn't she? Nothing forced.
And there, Mrs.
Grampian-Hardy.
Now, that's quite a different technique.
- Very sharp, very precise, - but joy, all joy.
- Do you recognize these? - Do I? This is one of our special 00s.
We had some stolen from the storeroom last week.
- Why would anyone want to steal them? - It's industrial sabotage.
- Put the whole schedule a week behind.
- Any idea who it was? No, but if I had, I'd-- Is there anything else, Mr.
Steed? No.
Thank you for your help.
Well, don't forget the motto of AKC.
When you're tired and depressed, spending more, enjoying less, knit along with Arkwright.
Ivanoff.
I thought you were still in Siberia.
I was resting.
Oh.
Didn't know you were interested in art.
Art Incorporated.
- Oh, buying a painting for a friend.
- I see.
Not too aggressive with the umbrella.
Spritely, but not eager.
Eagerness, untrustworthy.
It's almost the next worst thing to enthusiasm.
- Ivanoff: Nice to see you again, Steed.
- Good day, then.
- Ivanoff, haven't you forgotten something? - Have I? You haven't asked me how Mrs.
Peel is.
- Why should I? - You usually do.
- All right.
How is she, then? - She's away for a few days.
I'm expecting her back soon.
Around the block.
If you don't mind.
( footsteps ) Oh, good gracious! It's Mr.
Steed! My dear fellow, I had no idea.
Oh, dear.
It's all my fault.
You see, I heard someone scuffling about, and I'm--well, I-- We thought you were a burglar.
Yes, stealing our knitting needles again, you see? - Oh, he looks very shaken.
- Yes.
Do you think a woolen muffler for his head? No, thank you.
I'm quite all right.
Excuse me.
Well, my dear chap, if I'd known it was you Payment will be made in the usual way.
We want no mess, no fuss.
Our deception hasn't worked.
A man called Steed came back a day or two early from holiday.
So the fake Mrs.
Peel will have to be eliminated.
"Turning the force of the attacker to advantage, "bringing the knee up into the rib cage of the opponent with a sickening--" Hmm.
She must have some very aggressive boyfriends.
"Take the right hand of your opponent, with the left elbow pointing towards the ground.
" Hmm.
"Take the right hand of your opponent, with the left elbow pointing towards the ground.
" Hmm.
"Should your opponent attack from behind "with a knife or gun, "place your right hand over your right shoulder and grasp the attacker's wrist.
" Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Please let's not do anything hasty! Mr.
Steed! I thought you were an old lady with a bale and knitting needles.
- They do say I take after Granny.
- Are you all right? - I should have kept my armored hat on.
- Hey, what's this about an old lady? One attacked me a few minutes ago.
Really, at her age, too.
She was old enough to be someone's grandmother.
Or auntie.
- Well? - It could be any one of them.
Got to get a bit closer.
You can knit, can't you? I'll take size 9 3/4 in socks.
And, uh, nothing too garish.
( humming ) Good morning, sir.
Can I help you? Possibly, possibly.
- Yes.
- Sir? Definitely yes.
( inhales ) The air breathes well.
My nerve ends are positively tingly.
I must strike up a rapport with my surroundings before I can possibly Yes, I can do business here.
Well, sir, may I have your name? My name is Wayne Pennyfeather ffitch.
- Fitch.
- With two small fs.
- Doubtless you've heard of it.
- Well, I Naturally.
A genuine Gibson! Painted on a Thursday.
Only upstrokes.
Gibson never used downstrokes on a Thursday.
Mr.
ffitch, how can we help you? Your proud boast.
The unobtainable obtained.
Mr.
ffitch, I'm so sorry, but we only do business with clients who are personally recommended.
And I very much look forward to your next visit, Your Ladyship.
- Au revoir.
- Goodbye.
Don't forget your handbag, Lady Bracknell.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Exactly what kind of treasure can we obtain for you, Mr.
ffitch? That is not for your Botticelli ears.
Perhaps someone in the higher echelon-- I'll have to let you know.
- But surely-- - I'm sorry, Mr.
ffitch, but that is the way we do business.
We'll be in touch.
- As you say.
Good day.
- Good day.
Arkwright: Just cast on and watch it grow.
Knit one, purl one, and away we go.
Count to 10 and back again.
Row after row, and on we go.
Nimble needles to and fro.
Keep right on to the end of the row.
Oh, dear, we are rusty, aren't we? Now don't rush it, dear.
Just remember, it's all in the grip.
That's better.
Just one, two, three.
Just think of a waltz.
One, two, three.
One Yes, that's very promising.
Very nice natural action there.
Very good indeed.
So is that.
Very good, yes.
Mm.
Ah.
Grab that skein, begin again.
Knitting's friendly.
It's smart, it's fun.
Hello, my dear.
- And how are you today? - Hello.
I got it to deal with my nephew.
Nephew? The youngest one on my brother's side.
This should keep him quiet, don't you think? Very.
I hope so.
You don't think it's too old for him, do you? He's only six.
I think it's lovely.
It's absolutely splendid.
It's a wonderful gun.
( laughs ) ffitch, eh? Wayne Pennyfeather.
Doesn't ring any bells.
What did you make of him? He could be our sort of client.
Come in here, will you? We'll have him checked.
This man ffitch, see what you can find out about him.
A personal call, I think, don't you? He claims to be an art expert.
( doorbell buzzes ) Georgie.
No luck at the knitting circle? Almost any of the old ladies could be my old lady.
- Where'd you get this? - Like it? It's beautiful, but where? The National Gallery.
The "Doña Isabel.
" Goya.
You didn't steal it? Of course not.
I only borrowed it.
They're in the habit of lending priceless paintings? Only to true patrons.
( doorbell buzzes ) - Hide.
- Where? I didn't think it would take them long.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon, madam.
I'm collecting for the dogs' home.
A very worthy cause.
Please come in.
Our four-legged friends need all the help they can get.
Now, what will it be, bones or cash? Money, if you don't mind, dear sir.
Excuse me.
I'll just see where I've left my wallet.
- Charming, isn't it? - Delightful.
Great affinity between subject and artist.
A true rapport.
Adumbrated visually in the harmony of rose and black, flesh and silk.
Luminous paint, luminous glance.
Quite.
Quite so.
Well, this should be good for a couple of cold noses.
Oh, thank you.
That's most kind of you.
Nonsense.
Someone's got to pay for the postman's trousers.
Noble of you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Well, this business is thick with old ladies.
- Was that the one? - I didn't see her face.
I'm not sure.
One thing's clear.
They've taken the hook.
- What next? A little nefarious skulduggery.
- Ooh! - Alone.
Oh.
Going to a party.
Fancy dress.
( beeping ) ( whirring ) ( gun cocks ) Admiring the brushwork, Mr.
ffitch? I thought you were less likely to shoot me standing in front of a da Vinci.
How right you are.
May I take care of that for you? If you don't mind.
May I turn around now? Surely.
I don't think I've had the pleasure.
I am Auntie.
Gregorio Auntie.
How do you do? I must admire your persistence, Mr.
ffitch, and your initiative.
Couldn't keep away.
"The unobtainable obtained"? It sounds an extravagant claim, doesn't it? But we are a unique organization.
We actually can get you anything, anything at all.
At a price.
And sometimes the price is very high.
Yes, I've had her for three weeks now.
Rather reluctant to let her go.
I should think the Louvre also were reluctant to let it go.
They don't know.
Put a very nice reproduction in its place.
So that's how you work it.
Whenever you steal anything, you replace it with a replica.
That always seems to me to be the fairest way, don't you think? But then I don't have to tell you.
Your Goya, the "Doña Isabel.
" I was in the National Gallery yesterday.
The reproduction you put in its place, hmm.
- You like it? - I do.
I do indeed.
And if I might inquire, who A jolly little Flemish painter.
Goya is a specialty of his.
I'll give you his address.
I'm very impressed with your connections.
And I'm very impressed with your intelligence system that you knew I had.
Can I offer you a brandy? ( ting ) From the Tower of London.
A votre santé.
A la votre.
Well, now, Mr.
ffitch, what can I get for you? - Anything at all, you say? - No task is too formidable.
Do you know what my staff are engaged upon at the moment? Working out ways to transport the Eiffel Tower.
Where to? A Texas millionaire has taken a fancy for it.
He wants to put it down amongst his oil derricks.
- Isn't that sweet? - It must present difficulties.
Acquiring it, no.
We have already arranged that.
No, the main problem is smuggling it out of Paris.
A human being would be easier.
You have dealt in human beings? The odd diplomat, the occasional nuclear scientist, yes.
There is a small market for them, a demand.
Is it a human being you wish us to acquire for you? A woman.
Her mind-- yes, her mind-- would be of the utmost value to me.
And the lady's name? Peel.
Mrs.
Emma Peel.
Not a terribly good brandy, is it? I'm afraid you're 10 days too late, Mr.
ffitch.
We've already acquired Mrs.
Peel for another client.
- She's our Lot 17.
- Ivanoff.
I never divulge the names of clients.
Whatever he's offered you, I'll double it.
- I'm sorry.
- Treble it.
I'm tempted, very tempted.
Well, then? But I'm afraid I must refuse.
After all, I have a certain reputation, Mr.
ffitch.
I'm afraid that Mrs.
Peel is not for sale.
On the other hand, if I could interest you in a first folio of "Hamlet" acquired from the British Museum two nights ago? I hate to tell you.
A reproduction.
You don't mean I have the original at home.
Maybe in a part exchange deal for Mrs.
Peel.
No, I'm sorry.
Mrs.
Peel is not for sale, but perhaps you and I can do business some other time.
I hope so.
By the way, where are you holding her? I'm very happy to have made your acquaintance, Mr.
ffitch.
- Good night.
- Good night.
And how is Lot 17 tonight? Like to spread your wings and fly, would you? Do have some grapes.
- Feeding me up? - No, no, no.
I find you perfectly adequate as you are.
And your popularity is increasing.
That's encouraging.
First Ivanoff and now Mr.
ffitch.
- ffitch? - Mm.
With two small fs.
You know him? No, I don't know him.
Charming fellow.
And that increasing rarity, a real English gentleman.
You're sure you don't know him? - Yes, I'm sure.
- I was just thinking.
You know, if I had a vat in here, I might tread these grapes.
Ferment my own wine.
( chuckles ) I regret you will not be here long enough for that.
A pity, because I enjoy beautiful things, and you are very beautiful.
Well, a day or so more and you'll be gone.
- Gone where? - That depends upon Ivanoff.
You must have a very remarkable mind, Mrs.
Peel, for him to pay so much for you.
You have many secrets? No matter.
That is Ivanoff's problem.
But I do hope he treats you with proper consideration.
Although I fear, knowing his methods, that that will not be the case.
I'm afraid that where you're going, this cage will seem like a paradise.
What next? - We're going to sell you to the enemy.
- Do what? What's so special about this Mrs.
Emma Peel? You'd think she was Madame Curie and half a dozen others all rolled into one.
Her vital statistics.
The IQ variety.
Hold that.
She knows about ciphers, scented fuels, cybernetics, and that's what Ivanoff is interested in.
Well, it so happened that I nearly passed through college.
I was going to specialize in-- Excuse me.
What are you doing? Hey! ( car horn blares ) ( muffled ) Charming.
( music plays on phonograph ) ( knock on door ) ( music stops ) Who's there? Special delivery.
Perishables.
- Pay the driver.
- Now? The meter's ticking over.
And a tip? Of course.
- Well, shouldn't I wait? - What? You might need some help.
- What'd you say? - Forget it.
- Where is she? - ( groans ) Who? - Mrs.
Peel.
Where is she? - I don't know! Auntie's got her, hasn't he? Where's he keeping her? Honestly, I don't know.
Auntie wouldn't tell me.
What price is he asking for her? 140,000 American dollars.
It's over here in the briefcase.
We may as well take him with us.
If he moves, point that at him, at his second button.
- Second from the top or the bottom? - Suit yourself.
Steed here.
I want you to pick up a parcel.
Yes, I'm with it now.
What? Hush it up? Of course not hush it up.
Give it maximum publicity.
Well, well, well.
You have to admire his technique.
- Technique? - ffitch.
This is his handiwork.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
When you're in the market for a certain product and you know someone else is after it also, you do one of two things.
You outbid your opponent or you eliminate him from the contest.
Do you think ffitch will get Mrs.
Peel? - Well, it's what he wants.
- But will he get her? No, I don't think so.
His money's as good as anybody else's.
Well, then we must make him prove it, mustn't we? - How? - Put her up for auction.
I'll circulate the details right away.
Particular attention to the Eastern Bloc.
Do you think Ivanoff will talk? Hmm? ( footsteps ) Guard: Visitor for you, Ivanoff.
- It's your mother.
- Mother? They're treating you well, son? I've told them nothing! It's Steed you want! It's all his doing, not mine! Honestly, it's Steed! I promise you can trust me! Please! ( gasp ) Auctioneer: I say it once, I say it twice.
Oh, come now, gentlemen.
It's cheap at the price.
One million five.
Any advance on one million five? One million five against you, sir.
One million five.
Any advance on one million five? Quite splendid, isn't it? A splendid example of filthy, decadent Western art.
One million six.
One million six.
Any advance on one million six? No? Sold to the gentleman over there.
I shall have it delivered to your hotel, sir.
Oh, I beg your pardon, your submarine, of course.
And now the last item this afternoon, and a very unusual one.
Marked in your catalogs as Lot 17, Mrs.
Emma Peel, a very desirable acquisition.
I understand that she carries most of the disposition of Western defense bases in her head, is a cipher expert of no mean ability, and would be a splendid addition to any intelligence system anywhere in the world.
I must make it quite clear, however, that I cannot guarantee that she will betray her secrets.
That is up to the purchaser.
But she does carry some very special ones, and so I must ask that the bidding begin at the reserve price of £50,000.
That's 90,000 rubles.
Thank you.
I open the bidding.
50,000.
I hear 80.
£90,000 I am bid.
£90,000.
Oh, come now, gentlemen.
It's cheap at the price.
Observe this talented lady.
She looks a bit broody.
Can't you have her move about a bit? Certainly.
That's better.
I like to see what I'm buying.
£100,000.
- Russian: 110.
- Steed: And 11.
- 12.
- 14.
- 15.
- 16.
200,000.
Think of the national budget, old boy.
You'll have to cut down on the vodka.
£200,000 I'm bid.
£200,000 for this outstanding example of British pulchritude and learning.
200,000, I say it once I say it twice Sold to Mr.
Wayne Pennyfeather ffitch.
Well, Mr.
ffitch, your persistence is rewarded.
- When can I collect? - Immediately.
Lot 17 is in our secret store.
- Far from here? - You'll see.
Steed! Steed? Steed! - Steed! - Steed! Steed! Destroy Lot 17! Destroy--aah! Ow! Follow her! Very enigmatic.
She went that way! And along again to the end of the row.
A do-si-do.
I won't destroy their concentration.
Don't worry.
Oh! Stop! Stop it! Hey! - Where is she? - Down there.
Mr.
Steed, I really must-- Quite unavoidable, I assure you.
- What are they knitting? - A bungalow.
Now calm down, ladies, calm down.
And no cracks, please, about birds in gilded cages.
- As if I would.
- Are you all right? We've been so worried about you.
Oh, Mrs.
Emma Peel, meet Mrs.
Emma Peel.
How do you do? ( honk honk ) ( honk ) Charming lady.
I wonder if she's going our way.
( theme music )
Mrs.
Peel? If you get tired of waiting, there should be something there to amuse you.
Oh, Mrs.
Peel? Yes? What can I do for you? - I'm to deliver this to Mrs.
Emma Peel.
- Well, I'm Mrs.
Emma Peel.
A friend of yours, John Steed, sent it.
Steed? A small, fat man with a gray moustache.
Oh, of course.
Now I remember.
Thank you.
May I? Well, what's in it? - Don't you know? - Should I? - I imagined you would.
- Well, I don't.
A lobster.
How super! Where shall I put it? In here? Well, I wouldn't, not unless it's sleepy.
That's the bedroom.
The kitchen's over there.
( chuckles ) How was he? Steed? - Oh, well - Good.
As can be expected.
Oh, of course.
Well, this won't get the lobsters delivered.
- Good day, Mrs.
Peel.
- Good day.
( telephone rings ) ( ring ring ) ( ring ring ) Emma Peel.
( upper-class accent ) Emma? Aha.
It's old lover boy himself.
I've just got back from Karachi.
Be with you in a couple of jiffs.
Hoity-toi! ( chuckles ) A couple of jiffs.
Lover boy.
Ooh.
Follow her.
Very well.
I'll tell him.
Thank you.
Lot 17 has been safely stowed, sir.
- No problems with the shipment? - No, none at all.
Excellent.
And what about Operation Cast-Off? Being attended to.
Mm-hmm.
And so everyone associated with the the fake Mrs.
Peel? Will be eliminated.
Beginning with the theatrical agents.
Time for explanations, isn't it? Starting with the fact that you're not Mrs.
Emma Peel.
- Who are you? - Wasn't I very convincing? - No.
Who are you? - I'm Georgie Price-Jones.
Hello, Georgie.
Why are you trying to pass yourself off as Mrs.
Peel? I was hired to.
Where's the real Mrs.
Peel? I don't know.
I just answered this advertisement and got the job to impersonate her.
And you were briefed in here? By a Mr.
Lamb.
But where's he got to? So that's where he got to.
Was there anyone else here when you were hired? A couple of advertising men.
Bates and Marshall.
( boiling ) - What are you doing? - Looking for clues.
Oh, I see.
Clues.
11:00 appointment with Auntie.
Steed, listen to this.
S1 K9 K2 togg tbl.
- Well? - Don't you see? It's a code.
It seemed very cluelike.
Bates and Marshall? It's a check made out to me.
The first half of my fee.
Drawn against the account of Barrett, Barrett & Wimpole.
Messrs.
Barrett Barrett And Wimpole.
Six bodies in an hour and 20 minutes.
- What do you call that? - It's a good first act.
- Where next? - I don't know.
Well, you disappoint me, Miss Price-Jones.
Well, there's always this.
S1 K9 K2 tog tbl AKC.
Togs.
Clothes.
Theatrical costumiers.
Well, they supplied the clothes and wigs.
The four Jacques brothers.
John, Paul, George and Fred.
Hello? Anyone home? I've heard of history repeating itself, but Losing your touch? This one isn't dead.
Auntie Auntie did it.
Auntie? Auntie who? - You know what I think? - No, what do you think? Someone's kidnapped your friend Mrs.
Peel.
The same thought had occurred to me.
- Great minds.
- Don't they? Maybe they'll demand extortion money.
I don't think it's that sort of kidnapping.
Dead end.
Well, there's always S1 K2 K9.
Tbl tog AKC.
Now where is it? I'm quite sure I left it in here, but just where? Ah, there it is.
My knitting pattern.
I knew I'd left it in here.
Oh, naughty boys.
Always up to some game or other.
Madam, uh Naughty, naughty boys, but so sweet, don't you think? Do you know these gentlemen? What, John, Paul, George and Fred? Well, of course, I know them.
You can get up now.
They're my favorite nephews.
Absolutely my favorite.
- Nephews? - Naturally.
And I like to think that I am their favorite auntie.
It was so kind of you to invite me home to tea.
Such a charming gesture.
One meets with them so seldom these days.
But I do think I should have had a word with John, Paul, George and Fred before I left.
They were resting.
It was their express wish that they remain undisturbed.
I understand.
Absolutely dead to the world.
It runs in the family, you know.
Very heavy sleepers.
Madam-- You don't mind if I go on with my knitting, do you? About your nephews John, Paul, George and Fred.
They're dear boys, all of them.
Dear, dear boys.
I would love to do you in poodle wool.
Did they have a visitor this morning? Oh, yes.
Me.
I always call on a Thursday, you see.
Oh, lovely.
Have you seen this before? Oh, yes.
My dear man, you're a member, too.
- A member of what? - Oh, surely you must know.
The Arkwright Knitting Circle.
This way, dear boy.
Look alive, take a pair of fives.
Cast on and watch it grow.
Not too fast and not too slow.
Knit along and away we go! - Mr.
Arkwright? - Shh! Good afternoon, madam.
It's lovely to see you again.
I don't want to spoil the concentration.
Quite.
Between now and the tea interval could be quite critical.
- Mr.
Arkwright? - Yes? This is Mr.
Steed.
How do you do? He wants to know more about our little circle.
Really? Thank you.
- Now, do you knit? - Oh, you should, you know.
Knitting is one of the neglected arts.
It binds the family together.
Brings peace to the home.
Listen.
The sheer serene sound of clicking needles.
Excuse me.
( as a square dance caller ) Fingers nimble, fingers sprite.
Cast to the left, cast to the right.
First one purl, then one plain.
Then two purl and back again! ( chuckles ) Do you know, I used to come home from the office rather tired and irritable.
Nowadays, half an hour's knitting, and what have I got? Peace of mind, Mr.
Steed, peace of mind.
And I've really scooped the pool, you know.
Here you see the cream of the nation's knitters.
Now look there.
You see? Mrs.
Bullsover.
Beautiful mover, isn't she? Nothing forced.
And there, Mrs.
Grampian-Hardy.
Now, that's quite a different technique.
- Very sharp, very precise, - but joy, all joy.
- Do you recognize these? - Do I? This is one of our special 00s.
We had some stolen from the storeroom last week.
- Why would anyone want to steal them? - It's industrial sabotage.
- Put the whole schedule a week behind.
- Any idea who it was? No, but if I had, I'd-- Is there anything else, Mr.
Steed? No.
Thank you for your help.
Well, don't forget the motto of AKC.
When you're tired and depressed, spending more, enjoying less, knit along with Arkwright.
Ivanoff.
I thought you were still in Siberia.
I was resting.
Oh.
Didn't know you were interested in art.
Art Incorporated.
- Oh, buying a painting for a friend.
- I see.
Not too aggressive with the umbrella.
Spritely, but not eager.
Eagerness, untrustworthy.
It's almost the next worst thing to enthusiasm.
- Ivanoff: Nice to see you again, Steed.
- Good day, then.
- Ivanoff, haven't you forgotten something? - Have I? You haven't asked me how Mrs.
Peel is.
- Why should I? - You usually do.
- All right.
How is she, then? - She's away for a few days.
I'm expecting her back soon.
Around the block.
If you don't mind.
( footsteps ) Oh, good gracious! It's Mr.
Steed! My dear fellow, I had no idea.
Oh, dear.
It's all my fault.
You see, I heard someone scuffling about, and I'm--well, I-- We thought you were a burglar.
Yes, stealing our knitting needles again, you see? - Oh, he looks very shaken.
- Yes.
Do you think a woolen muffler for his head? No, thank you.
I'm quite all right.
Excuse me.
Well, my dear chap, if I'd known it was you Payment will be made in the usual way.
We want no mess, no fuss.
Our deception hasn't worked.
A man called Steed came back a day or two early from holiday.
So the fake Mrs.
Peel will have to be eliminated.
"Turning the force of the attacker to advantage, "bringing the knee up into the rib cage of the opponent with a sickening--" Hmm.
She must have some very aggressive boyfriends.
"Take the right hand of your opponent, with the left elbow pointing towards the ground.
" Hmm.
"Take the right hand of your opponent, with the left elbow pointing towards the ground.
" Hmm.
"Should your opponent attack from behind "with a knife or gun, "place your right hand over your right shoulder and grasp the attacker's wrist.
" Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Please let's not do anything hasty! Mr.
Steed! I thought you were an old lady with a bale and knitting needles.
- They do say I take after Granny.
- Are you all right? - I should have kept my armored hat on.
- Hey, what's this about an old lady? One attacked me a few minutes ago.
Really, at her age, too.
She was old enough to be someone's grandmother.
Or auntie.
- Well? - It could be any one of them.
Got to get a bit closer.
You can knit, can't you? I'll take size 9 3/4 in socks.
And, uh, nothing too garish.
( humming ) Good morning, sir.
Can I help you? Possibly, possibly.
- Yes.
- Sir? Definitely yes.
( inhales ) The air breathes well.
My nerve ends are positively tingly.
I must strike up a rapport with my surroundings before I can possibly Yes, I can do business here.
Well, sir, may I have your name? My name is Wayne Pennyfeather ffitch.
- Fitch.
- With two small fs.
- Doubtless you've heard of it.
- Well, I Naturally.
A genuine Gibson! Painted on a Thursday.
Only upstrokes.
Gibson never used downstrokes on a Thursday.
Mr.
ffitch, how can we help you? Your proud boast.
The unobtainable obtained.
Mr.
ffitch, I'm so sorry, but we only do business with clients who are personally recommended.
And I very much look forward to your next visit, Your Ladyship.
- Au revoir.
- Goodbye.
Don't forget your handbag, Lady Bracknell.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Exactly what kind of treasure can we obtain for you, Mr.
ffitch? That is not for your Botticelli ears.
Perhaps someone in the higher echelon-- I'll have to let you know.
- But surely-- - I'm sorry, Mr.
ffitch, but that is the way we do business.
We'll be in touch.
- As you say.
Good day.
- Good day.
Arkwright: Just cast on and watch it grow.
Knit one, purl one, and away we go.
Count to 10 and back again.
Row after row, and on we go.
Nimble needles to and fro.
Keep right on to the end of the row.
Oh, dear, we are rusty, aren't we? Now don't rush it, dear.
Just remember, it's all in the grip.
That's better.
Just one, two, three.
Just think of a waltz.
One, two, three.
One Yes, that's very promising.
Very nice natural action there.
Very good indeed.
So is that.
Very good, yes.
Mm.
Ah.
Grab that skein, begin again.
Knitting's friendly.
It's smart, it's fun.
Hello, my dear.
- And how are you today? - Hello.
I got it to deal with my nephew.
Nephew? The youngest one on my brother's side.
This should keep him quiet, don't you think? Very.
I hope so.
You don't think it's too old for him, do you? He's only six.
I think it's lovely.
It's absolutely splendid.
It's a wonderful gun.
( laughs ) ffitch, eh? Wayne Pennyfeather.
Doesn't ring any bells.
What did you make of him? He could be our sort of client.
Come in here, will you? We'll have him checked.
This man ffitch, see what you can find out about him.
A personal call, I think, don't you? He claims to be an art expert.
( doorbell buzzes ) Georgie.
No luck at the knitting circle? Almost any of the old ladies could be my old lady.
- Where'd you get this? - Like it? It's beautiful, but where? The National Gallery.
The "Doña Isabel.
" Goya.
You didn't steal it? Of course not.
I only borrowed it.
They're in the habit of lending priceless paintings? Only to true patrons.
( doorbell buzzes ) - Hide.
- Where? I didn't think it would take them long.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon, madam.
I'm collecting for the dogs' home.
A very worthy cause.
Please come in.
Our four-legged friends need all the help they can get.
Now, what will it be, bones or cash? Money, if you don't mind, dear sir.
Excuse me.
I'll just see where I've left my wallet.
- Charming, isn't it? - Delightful.
Great affinity between subject and artist.
A true rapport.
Adumbrated visually in the harmony of rose and black, flesh and silk.
Luminous paint, luminous glance.
Quite.
Quite so.
Well, this should be good for a couple of cold noses.
Oh, thank you.
That's most kind of you.
Nonsense.
Someone's got to pay for the postman's trousers.
Noble of you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Well, this business is thick with old ladies.
- Was that the one? - I didn't see her face.
I'm not sure.
One thing's clear.
They've taken the hook.
- What next? A little nefarious skulduggery.
- Ooh! - Alone.
Oh.
Going to a party.
Fancy dress.
( beeping ) ( whirring ) ( gun cocks ) Admiring the brushwork, Mr.
ffitch? I thought you were less likely to shoot me standing in front of a da Vinci.
How right you are.
May I take care of that for you? If you don't mind.
May I turn around now? Surely.
I don't think I've had the pleasure.
I am Auntie.
Gregorio Auntie.
How do you do? I must admire your persistence, Mr.
ffitch, and your initiative.
Couldn't keep away.
"The unobtainable obtained"? It sounds an extravagant claim, doesn't it? But we are a unique organization.
We actually can get you anything, anything at all.
At a price.
And sometimes the price is very high.
Yes, I've had her for three weeks now.
Rather reluctant to let her go.
I should think the Louvre also were reluctant to let it go.
They don't know.
Put a very nice reproduction in its place.
So that's how you work it.
Whenever you steal anything, you replace it with a replica.
That always seems to me to be the fairest way, don't you think? But then I don't have to tell you.
Your Goya, the "Doña Isabel.
" I was in the National Gallery yesterday.
The reproduction you put in its place, hmm.
- You like it? - I do.
I do indeed.
And if I might inquire, who A jolly little Flemish painter.
Goya is a specialty of his.
I'll give you his address.
I'm very impressed with your connections.
And I'm very impressed with your intelligence system that you knew I had.
Can I offer you a brandy? ( ting ) From the Tower of London.
A votre santé.
A la votre.
Well, now, Mr.
ffitch, what can I get for you? - Anything at all, you say? - No task is too formidable.
Do you know what my staff are engaged upon at the moment? Working out ways to transport the Eiffel Tower.
Where to? A Texas millionaire has taken a fancy for it.
He wants to put it down amongst his oil derricks.
- Isn't that sweet? - It must present difficulties.
Acquiring it, no.
We have already arranged that.
No, the main problem is smuggling it out of Paris.
A human being would be easier.
You have dealt in human beings? The odd diplomat, the occasional nuclear scientist, yes.
There is a small market for them, a demand.
Is it a human being you wish us to acquire for you? A woman.
Her mind-- yes, her mind-- would be of the utmost value to me.
And the lady's name? Peel.
Mrs.
Emma Peel.
Not a terribly good brandy, is it? I'm afraid you're 10 days too late, Mr.
ffitch.
We've already acquired Mrs.
Peel for another client.
- She's our Lot 17.
- Ivanoff.
I never divulge the names of clients.
Whatever he's offered you, I'll double it.
- I'm sorry.
- Treble it.
I'm tempted, very tempted.
Well, then? But I'm afraid I must refuse.
After all, I have a certain reputation, Mr.
ffitch.
I'm afraid that Mrs.
Peel is not for sale.
On the other hand, if I could interest you in a first folio of "Hamlet" acquired from the British Museum two nights ago? I hate to tell you.
A reproduction.
You don't mean I have the original at home.
Maybe in a part exchange deal for Mrs.
Peel.
No, I'm sorry.
Mrs.
Peel is not for sale, but perhaps you and I can do business some other time.
I hope so.
By the way, where are you holding her? I'm very happy to have made your acquaintance, Mr.
ffitch.
- Good night.
- Good night.
And how is Lot 17 tonight? Like to spread your wings and fly, would you? Do have some grapes.
- Feeding me up? - No, no, no.
I find you perfectly adequate as you are.
And your popularity is increasing.
That's encouraging.
First Ivanoff and now Mr.
ffitch.
- ffitch? - Mm.
With two small fs.
You know him? No, I don't know him.
Charming fellow.
And that increasing rarity, a real English gentleman.
You're sure you don't know him? - Yes, I'm sure.
- I was just thinking.
You know, if I had a vat in here, I might tread these grapes.
Ferment my own wine.
( chuckles ) I regret you will not be here long enough for that.
A pity, because I enjoy beautiful things, and you are very beautiful.
Well, a day or so more and you'll be gone.
- Gone where? - That depends upon Ivanoff.
You must have a very remarkable mind, Mrs.
Peel, for him to pay so much for you.
You have many secrets? No matter.
That is Ivanoff's problem.
But I do hope he treats you with proper consideration.
Although I fear, knowing his methods, that that will not be the case.
I'm afraid that where you're going, this cage will seem like a paradise.
What next? - We're going to sell you to the enemy.
- Do what? What's so special about this Mrs.
Emma Peel? You'd think she was Madame Curie and half a dozen others all rolled into one.
Her vital statistics.
The IQ variety.
Hold that.
She knows about ciphers, scented fuels, cybernetics, and that's what Ivanoff is interested in.
Well, it so happened that I nearly passed through college.
I was going to specialize in-- Excuse me.
What are you doing? Hey! ( car horn blares ) ( muffled ) Charming.
( music plays on phonograph ) ( knock on door ) ( music stops ) Who's there? Special delivery.
Perishables.
- Pay the driver.
- Now? The meter's ticking over.
And a tip? Of course.
- Well, shouldn't I wait? - What? You might need some help.
- What'd you say? - Forget it.
- Where is she? - ( groans ) Who? - Mrs.
Peel.
Where is she? - I don't know! Auntie's got her, hasn't he? Where's he keeping her? Honestly, I don't know.
Auntie wouldn't tell me.
What price is he asking for her? 140,000 American dollars.
It's over here in the briefcase.
We may as well take him with us.
If he moves, point that at him, at his second button.
- Second from the top or the bottom? - Suit yourself.
Steed here.
I want you to pick up a parcel.
Yes, I'm with it now.
What? Hush it up? Of course not hush it up.
Give it maximum publicity.
Well, well, well.
You have to admire his technique.
- Technique? - ffitch.
This is his handiwork.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
When you're in the market for a certain product and you know someone else is after it also, you do one of two things.
You outbid your opponent or you eliminate him from the contest.
Do you think ffitch will get Mrs.
Peel? - Well, it's what he wants.
- But will he get her? No, I don't think so.
His money's as good as anybody else's.
Well, then we must make him prove it, mustn't we? - How? - Put her up for auction.
I'll circulate the details right away.
Particular attention to the Eastern Bloc.
Do you think Ivanoff will talk? Hmm? ( footsteps ) Guard: Visitor for you, Ivanoff.
- It's your mother.
- Mother? They're treating you well, son? I've told them nothing! It's Steed you want! It's all his doing, not mine! Honestly, it's Steed! I promise you can trust me! Please! ( gasp ) Auctioneer: I say it once, I say it twice.
Oh, come now, gentlemen.
It's cheap at the price.
One million five.
Any advance on one million five? One million five against you, sir.
One million five.
Any advance on one million five? Quite splendid, isn't it? A splendid example of filthy, decadent Western art.
One million six.
One million six.
Any advance on one million six? No? Sold to the gentleman over there.
I shall have it delivered to your hotel, sir.
Oh, I beg your pardon, your submarine, of course.
And now the last item this afternoon, and a very unusual one.
Marked in your catalogs as Lot 17, Mrs.
Emma Peel, a very desirable acquisition.
I understand that she carries most of the disposition of Western defense bases in her head, is a cipher expert of no mean ability, and would be a splendid addition to any intelligence system anywhere in the world.
I must make it quite clear, however, that I cannot guarantee that she will betray her secrets.
That is up to the purchaser.
But she does carry some very special ones, and so I must ask that the bidding begin at the reserve price of £50,000.
That's 90,000 rubles.
Thank you.
I open the bidding.
50,000.
I hear 80.
£90,000 I am bid.
£90,000.
Oh, come now, gentlemen.
It's cheap at the price.
Observe this talented lady.
She looks a bit broody.
Can't you have her move about a bit? Certainly.
That's better.
I like to see what I'm buying.
£100,000.
- Russian: 110.
- Steed: And 11.
- 12.
- 14.
- 15.
- 16.
200,000.
Think of the national budget, old boy.
You'll have to cut down on the vodka.
£200,000 I'm bid.
£200,000 for this outstanding example of British pulchritude and learning.
200,000, I say it once I say it twice Sold to Mr.
Wayne Pennyfeather ffitch.
Well, Mr.
ffitch, your persistence is rewarded.
- When can I collect? - Immediately.
Lot 17 is in our secret store.
- Far from here? - You'll see.
Steed! Steed? Steed! - Steed! - Steed! Steed! Destroy Lot 17! Destroy--aah! Ow! Follow her! Very enigmatic.
She went that way! And along again to the end of the row.
A do-si-do.
I won't destroy their concentration.
Don't worry.
Oh! Stop! Stop it! Hey! - Where is she? - Down there.
Mr.
Steed, I really must-- Quite unavoidable, I assure you.
- What are they knitting? - A bungalow.
Now calm down, ladies, calm down.
And no cracks, please, about birds in gilded cages.
- As if I would.
- Are you all right? We've been so worried about you.
Oh, Mrs.
Emma Peel, meet Mrs.
Emma Peel.
How do you do? ( honk honk ) ( honk ) Charming lady.
I wonder if she's going our way.
( theme music )