The Awesomes (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot (1)

You never changed, did you, Dr.
Malocchio? It was a lie.
You're the same bastard you've always been.
You figured that out all by yourself? My, my, Prock, you really are a genius.
But now, there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
Run.
Hide.
What did I just say about running and hiding? What does a guy have to do to be listened to? - That's enough.
- Okay.
That's right.
That's enough.
Should I just give you the gun? - Are you serious? - Of course I'm not.
I finally have everything I want and you can't stop me.
You don't have any powers, you never did.
And all the heroes gave them away.
- All because I asked them to.
- I'm gonna stop you.
I will.
You won't.
You can't.
- You are not your father.
- I'm getting real sick of hearing that.
_ Coming up on Superhero Tonight: Is Sandpaper-Man really going to reveal his secret identity? You'll hear it here first.
Flame-Mouth sat down with our own Patrick Snee to discuss life after rehab.
It's just great to be in control again.
But now we take you live to the biggest event of the year.
That's right, Ricky.
Mr.
Awesome, leader of America's favorite superhero team, The Awesomes, is turning 90.
All the top heroes from yesterday and today showed up to pay respect to their leader, from the world's greatest heroes, to lesser heroes like Muscleman and barely heroes like Mr.
Awesome's very own son, - I hope I'm saying this right, Prock? - Good question.
Prock is a combination of "professor" and "doctor" to reflect my Hey, look.
A dog with a shoe in its mouth.
- I'm sorry, are you done with me? - Get out of the shot.
Can you believe Mr.
Awesome is 90? My grandmother is 87, and she's a mess.
Mine is 82, and I've completely written her off.
And I'm hearing he is speaking right now to the crowd inside.
I'll have all the details later.
Our seats are terrible.
They're great.
We're on the dais.
Hey, your dad's talking.
So it is with a heavy heart that I announce today as my last day as the leader of The Awesomes.
- Oh, my God.
- After 60 years of leading America's greatest superhero team, I had to accept it's not the job of a 90-year-old man.
You don't look it.
Yes, my super powers have helped slow the aging process, but not completely.
This country, this world, needs the protection of someone who will truly shield the people from the growing number of supervillains, alien attacks, zombie weekends, vampire high schools and evil robot housewives.
The time has come for me to step down and pass the torch to a new generation.
Mr.
Awesome, who will take your place? There's only one person who could run The Awesomes in my place.
- Only one man I would trust - This is it, buddy.
The moment you've been waiting for.
Quit it.
I'm gonna be on camera.
He's simply the greatest hero the world has ever known: Perfect Man.
Perfect Man? Over you? Why? Because he's stronger? Because he's faster? Handsomer? Because he can fly? Because of his hair? His hair is awesome.
You're not helping.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Perfect Man.
Ugh.
I've seen him use that joke like five times.
It gets me every time.
Because we all know who he is.
"My name is Perfect Man.
" Mr.
Awesome, you are, in many ways, the father I never had.
And you, Perfect Man, are like the son I never had.
- I'm his son.
- Right.
But he's never had a son like Perfect Man.
- That's not how that phrase is used.
- Perfect Man, I know it's sudden, but do you accept? Will you take over the team and run The Awesomes? - I will not.
- Awkward.
While I am flattered, this team was founded by you, Mr.
Awesome.
It bears your name.
Without you, it wouldn't be the same.
To try and follow in your footsteps would just be sheer foolishness.
And Perfect Man is no fool.
There goes the best man I've ever met.
Well then, unless someone else wants to step forward, this will be the final meeting of The Awe Stop.
My dream is to lead The Awesomes.
If I let him disband the team now, that will never happen.
Dad always tells me I lack the nerve to be a real hero.
Well, this would be nerve.
Maybe he's doing this to test me.
Well, I will pass that test.
This is my moment.
Start.
Awesomes.
And so my hope - I'll do it.
- is America will never forget - I'll do it.
- the courage of these heroes.
- I need a microphone.
- I got you, buddy.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- I'll do it! - Do what, Jeremy? Take over The Awesomes for you.
You know, keep it in the family.
Are your really considering this, Mr.
Awesome? Your son has only been on the team for a year, and when he joined, didn't he break three fingers just shaking hands with the team? Hey, my son is a very capable superhero.
Oh, come on.
He couldn't beat me in a fight.
With all due respect, sir, I think I could.
- No, you couldn't.
- Well, you're wrong.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Yes.
Uhh.
Too many chili dogs.
Uhh! Oh, no, he had a heart attack.
Yes! - What? - What are you doing? Let me do this.
I can do this.
You think you can carry my A on your chest? Yes, Dad.
I really believe I can.
Oh, my God, that was so heavy.
I can't believe you wore something that heavy - on your chest.
- Look, you're my son, Jeremy.
But you're your mother's son even more.
You didn't inherit my super strength, you don't have any powers except for the weird stopping-time thing.
But you had to stop doing that because the doctor said it might kill you.
- You did stop doing that, right? - Yes, I stopped.
Stop.
Meh.
Start.
Good.
Your nose is bleeding.
Probably just the altitude.
But you are very bright.
Why not use those smarts? Be a doctor, a lawyer, start a photo blog.
I went to med school and I became a doctor.
I went to law school and I became a lawyer.
But, Dad, all I've ever wanted to be is a superhero.
Okay, Jeremy.
You can run the team.
- But I won't be here to help you.
- Why? Where are you going? - Space.
- Why space? I've been at the beck and call of the people of Earth for too long.
I need to retire somewhere far away where they can't contact me every time there's a crisis.
- What are you gonna do? - Get some reading done.
Haven't cracked a book for 50 years.
First up, Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique.
- Sounds kinky.
- Then go.
I'll be fine.
You can't always be there to catch me when I fall.
I hate it when you do that! I hate it! Look.
He's holding him like a little baby.
Put me down.
Good news, everyone.
The Awesomes live on.
But without me, for I am leaving Earth.
Farewell, good people.
Our time together was some of the happiest of my life.
Awesome.
And out.
Forgot my book.
Well, let me say that I'm glad to hear that The Awesomes will continue.
- And while I wish Jeremy luck - Prock.
My superhero name is Prock.
I will be leaving the team.
- Wha? - I'm out too.
- I'm out.
- Me too.
Not the same anymore.
You still in, Black Irish? You did it! So it is with a heavy heart that I announce today as my last day as the leader of The Awesomes.
And with that announcement, America's greatest hero was gone.
Mr.
Awesome leaving Earth.
Mr.
Awesome, the only hero who ever had the power to stop me, is gone.
Maybe now would be a good time to remove every superhero from Earth and assume my position of ultimate power.
Yep.
Now would be the good time.
Guard, could you please let me out? I'm going to escape.
And, oh, can I have a gun? Are you out of your mind? I'm not gonna gi Uh Open up on B-31.
Wonderful.
I'm going to need a Tom Ford suit, some tuna carpaccio, three hookers, and one of those smart phones.
A really, really smart phone.
Wonderful.
Okay.
Let's hop to it.
Evil to be done! This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome So it's just us left? We will rule this place! I call this chair and this chair.
I did the right thing, right? The team has to go on.
I mean where will people go for help? Tonight on the Superhero News Network, don't miss the one hour special "Perfect Man Goes Solo.
" The time for teams is over.
I'm gonna do it all by myself.
"The time for teams is over?" You can say that again.
Professor Doctor Awesome, I'm Joyce Mandrake from the government office of superhero affairs.
Watch your feet.
Dude, we're getting a new meeting table.
Very funny.
Thank you.
- What was very funny? - And what's going on? By the order of the President of the United States, we are implementing code 33.
- Thirty-three is my ATM pin code.
- Pin codes are four digits.
That probably explains why money never comes out.
Code 33 means this: We're withdrawing your government funding.
You can't cut our funding.
The U.
S.
Government has always funded The Awesomes.
We weren't funding the name.
We were funding a team of top-level heroes.
And with all due respect, you ain't top level no more.
Stop.
They would never walk over Dad like this.
He would stick out his jaw and tell them, "Absolutely not.
I'm in charge.
" That's what I have to do.
Of course, I don't really have my father's jaw.
His is almost a perfect square and mine is weak and soft.
Man, of all the things I didn't get from my dad, the thing I want most is that big old jaw.
Okay, sticking out the jaw is a no-go, but I should be able to come up with some way to convince her I am strong enough to lead this team.
Start.
Please, please, please.
I've only been in charge for like half an hour.
You can't kill us now.
Give me time.
- I'll prove that we're worth the money.
- Please, Professor Doctor.
If you're disbanding us, just do me the favor of ending it for me.
Roll over my head, splatter my brains, because I would prefer that to getting fired in my first half hour.
- Fine.
- "Fine" meaning what exactly? Refill your roster.
If you put together a team, then you can get continued use of Awesome Mountain.
I'll give you 48 hours to refill your roster.
Forty-eight hours? How am I supposed to do that with the two of us? - What about our support staff? - They're all gone.
What? We need support staff! Maintenance, chefs, personal assistants, janitors, electricians.
Hundreds of people work here.
- Well, now it's zero.
- Give us 20.
- Zero.
Zero.
- Fifteen.
Ten.
- Zero.
Zero.
- Three.
One.
- Okay, you get one.
- In your face.
- You got played.
- Ow! So you are? I was the secretary's assistant to the assistant secretary.
- What's your name? - Concierge.
Ooh-la-la.
A French girl.
No, "concierge" means someone who gets things done.
Well I don't know how they chose the one person - lucky enough to stay.
- I said "not it" the slowest.
Welcome aboard.
Our first mission is to assemble a team.
- We need more heroes.
- I heard.
I took the liberty of contacting all 174 level-six-or-above superheroes who are currently unaffiliated with any team.
- Cool.
How many are interested? - None.
- Did you say "nine"? - None.
- When you say none - A hundred and twenty-six gave a flat no, 45 laughed at me, and three told me to tell you to "go [bleep] yourself.
" Which I told them I was not going to do.
Thanks for that.
So what now? We could reach out to level four and fives.
This is The Awesomes! We can't have fours and fives.
Are you seriously telling me there is no place to find high-level powers who might be interested in joining this team? Well, there is one place to look, but it's not great.
- Here you go.
- What's this? This is the reject file.
Everyone in here has been turned down for one reason or another.
I'd be very wary of considering any of them.
There are people in here with some serious powers.
- Who turned them down? - Your father.
Even with super vision, Dad had a problem seeing potential.
I doubt Joyce Mandrake will be happy with a team of rejects.
She's never going to know they were a team of rejects.
Besides, I only have 48 hours.
I can't be choosy.
Maybe you're right.
This is the new Awesomes after all.
- Our bar is lower.
- Ooh, that's a good slogan.
That's not a good slogan.
These people might not be heroes now, but they will be when I'm done with them.
To the Awesome Jet! They took it? - Yep.
- To the Awesome Copter! Maybe it's easier if you just tell me what they didn't take.
- That's it? - Yep.
You have to say it.
- I don't want to.
- It's fun when you say it! Fine.
To the old-timey antique Awesome's plane.
Who's first, Concierge? His name is Frantic.
He has super speed.
The government scales him as a seven on the power scale.
A seven? That's great.
Why wasn't he accepted? The term used was "bat [bleep] crazy.
" Oh, my goodness.
They changed their mind.
They changed their mind.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! - How fast is he? - Top three in the world.
Behind Zippity and Captain Fleet Feet.
Oh, man.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for taking me out of this nowhere life with these nowhere people.
Did this place used to be a circus? Used to be? Hell, no, boy.
This here's the Danger Family Swamp Circus.
Open for business and entertaining the masses for going on 50 years.
Not that he ever did any entertaining.
Well, now I'm gonna be a superhero! I'm gonna be famous! I told you I was better than you and I was right.
Momma, I love you.
I do.
You at least tried - to understand I was special.
- Yup.
Is this costume okay? I may need to speak to your designer.
I think this is fine, but I think it could use a lightning bolt or a flame.
Uh What's happening now is sort of a general meeting.
After this, we'll go off and discuss amongst ourselves how it went and get back to you in 8-to-12 business months.
- What about potential? - This guy has the potential to be a public relations train wreck.
I'm leaving now, but I'll be back.
Oh, I'll definitely be back.
And when I come back, it will be to kill you.
I'm not really gonna kill them, but it's fun to make them think that.
- Muscleman.
Grab him.
- Whoa! Look, I'm sorry if we misled you at all, but I think we're actually going to go another way.
What's happening, boy? Did they figure out what we all know? That you ain't nothing but a failure?! Welcome to The Awesomes.
- That was sweet.
- I think I did the right thing.
Yeah.
He is bat [bleep] crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Who's next? - His name is Impresario.
Conjurer.
Graded out as an eight.
Turned down for mother issues.
I always told my baby, I told my baby, "Baby, you're special.
And one day, someone is gonna come to this house and tell you you special.
" Isn't that right, baby? Isn't that right? Where did you find your magic jewel? - Oh, I found it - He found it in the woods.
He was always heading out into the woods.
I told him, "Baby ,why don't you go play sports with your friends? Why are you always going into the woods like some sort of weirdo?" But one day, he came out of the woods with a space jewel.
Why? Because he's special.
And you should see what he can do with it.
- Mind if we get a demonstration? - Well, sure.
Demonstration? You bet.
Let's go in the backyard.
- Mama.
I need to do it on my own.
- Okay, baby.
So according to our file, you can use the jewel to conjure whatever your mind can conceive.
- Yes.
- Sounds amazing.
Let's see a giant fist.
Who wants to get punched? - Uh-oh.
- Yep.
- I'm sorry.
I can do better.
- How about a dragon? Ooh, I'm a dragon, baby.
I shoot fire.
- Do your mom.
- Muscleman.
To build his confidence.
Did you make me proud, baby? Tell me you made Mama proud.
He doesn't need a superhero team, he needs therapy.
You look bloated, darling.
Burp for Mama.
Come on.
Rip one out.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
That's my boy.
He's an eight.
Not a lot of eights out there.
I'm getting in on this.
So how does this work? Do I get a secret identity? Perhaps wealthy philanthropist? In which case, you should probably procure me a mansion and fancy butler.
You live in a room in Awesome headquarters and get paid every other Thursday.
- The hell? - Concierge, who's next? Sumo.
No photo, but he graded out as a nine.
Why would anyone turn down a nine? All it says is "age.
" How old is Tim? Tim is 11 years old, but he is very strong.
And very hard working.
Tim is not lazy or weak like American heroes.
- We're all American heroes.
- And look at you.
Stupid.
Fat.
Crazy.
And weak.
- How did I do? - Not bad.
Tim is stronger than any man.
He is stronger than your friend.
Me? Oh, I don't think so.
Wait, did she call me stupid a few seconds ago? Remember how we told you your dog is on a farm now, playing with rabbits? Well, we were lying to you.
Your dog is dead, and he killed him.
What's that now? Whoa.
Well, you got some size on you there, short pants, but as many ladies have told me, size doesn't matter.
But let's see if you've got Oh! That kid's got some moves.
Be good.
- Do you think he'll be safe? - Yes.
Safer than he'd be with us.
Besides, he's gonna need better extracurricular than violin if he wants to get into Harvard.
I have read Awesome Mountain has the best chefs in the world.
Yeah, about that Concierge? What's happening? Looks like we're going on our first mission.
The Awesomes.
"Our bar is lower.
" - That's not our slogan.
- I thought we agreed it was.
- No way.
- Ee-ya! - Uh-huh? Mm! Ha! Mm! - Elderly chick fight.
Coincidentally, that is the title of my favorite DVD.
That's Gadget Gal.
She was an original Awesome.
And that's her archrival, Tomboy.
Is that all you got, girlie? Because Mama still has some moves.
- Nice.
- Yeah, that's a makeover.
Yeah, run.
Before I kick your rear so bad, you'll look like you're wearing shoulder pads.
Whoa.
Check me out.
I'm a hot tomato again.
- Will you look at my ass? - I'm looking.
- Dancer's butt.
- It's nice.
Seriously, I could crack walnuts with this thing.
I can definitely find some walnuts.
I think Tomboy hit you with some sort of rejuvenation ray.
Your body reverted to that of a 25-year-old.
- So she's 80? - Yes.
- But she was rejuvenated? - That's what the Prock said, yes.
- So she has the body of a 25 year old? - A very attractive 25 year old, yes.
- My question is - It's probably not gray.
Probably not gray.
Good.
Very good.
Who are you? If you're looking for me to buy candy to fund your marching band, I ain't falling for that scam.
I can explain.
So we're reforming The Awesomes.
And you, Gadget Gal, you were one of the first members when my dad founded the team, and I would consider it an honor if you'd rejoin.
I don't know, kid.
I've been out of this game a while.
Superhero-ing is a young gal's party.
No, screw it.
Sign me up! Nice.
That ought to do it.
I can call Mandrake and tell her we got our roster.
I have to say, I'm starting to feel pretty good about this.
- What the heck is that? - Holy crap.
- Close.
It's called Compost.
- What do we do, skipper? Sh [bleep] And it's all going according to plan.
- Peach cobbler? - Oh.
Please.
So they're all gone? No more free meals? - No.
- No more sushi Saturdays? Lobster Mondays? Make-your-own-taco Tuesdays? All gone.
But I have lots of Jack Link's jerky.
I love that stuff.
They come in so many different flavors.
Mm.
I know, I like them all.
It's high in protein and low in calories, fat and carbs.
This sounds like a paid advertisement.
Wait, is this a paid advertisement? Why is Concierge holding that sign? - It tastes good, right? - It's awesome.
And that's all you need to know.
[The Hold Steady's "Chips Ahoy" playing] How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah you won't even dance