The Awesomes (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Pilot (2)

- What's this big fellow called? - Compost.
- What is it? - It's a sentient mass of mutated waste.
So, it literally has [Bleep] for brains.
- What are we gonna do? - Don't worry about the plan, people.
We are The New Awesomes, led by our fearless leader Professor Doctor: a brain as big as Baltimore and brass cojones to match.
What do we do, Prock? - Wow, look at him go.
- Yeah, you got to be a little impressed at how fast he can run.
Nice form, buddy! Hey, Prock, the gang you know, our superhero team, The Awesomes was wondering if maybe this is part of your plan; that maybe fleeing in terror is a way of lulling this five-tonne garbage monster into a false sense of security or something like that.
'Cause otherwise, we're confused, 'cause it would seem that you're scared and running away, but I told them you weren't.
I told them you were probably just looking for a better vantage point.
Better vantage point.
This is what you always wanted: a team to lead.
Well, there's the team, and they're looking to you.
So, what are you gonna do, lead or leave? I guess if I did leave, I could leave on that bicycle.
I could make good time on that bicycle.
No, no, no, forget about the bicycle.
You can do this.
Frantic, run us back.
Okay, next time we need to find a slightly - better way of carrying me.
Ow! - Sorry.
Just my arm.
- Okay, first order of business.
- Oh, I'm all over this.
- Yes.
- Wait.
- Time to take out the trash.
- Nice.
I get it, 'cause he's a big pile of garbage.
Muscleman, Impresario, we need to work together.
We Yeah! Who's a pile of garbage now? Oh, baby.
We gon' clean up the streets.
I get it.
It's a plan, getting criminals off the streets.
- You're good at this.
- Wait.
That won't work.
It's too much.
Whoa, that was sweet, but I think I might have sucked up a penny.
Uh, a little help? Little help.
Oh, man.
Tim, transform into Sumo.
We need to get that - bus away from Compost.
- I can't while everyone's looking at me.
- I'm on it.
- Wait.
Sumo! Damn it, Sumo, don't chase Gadget Gal.
Hey, should we try running away again? I'm beginning - to see the value in that.
- No, it's time we get this done.
Concierge, pull data on Compost's weaknesses.
- On it.
- Frantic, free Impresario.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Now I want you to run around Compost as fast as you can.
On it.
- Gadget Gal? - I calmed him down with some hard candies.
Time to save some people.
Sumo, get that bus out of there.
Prock, I got the data.
Compost's weakness is water.
Sumo, kick that hydrant over.
- Impresario, we need a big can.
- On it.
Darling, it's occupied.
That's not the kind of can I Ah, screw it.
Just get your mom off there and fill it with water.
Frantic, get that cyclone over the toilet.
Did I miss much? I would have been back sooner but - I landed in this killer falafel place.
- You're just in time, Muscleman.
- Pound some crap down a toilet? - I could do that all day.
- Here comes Perfect Man.
He'll stop him.
- Is everyone all right? - Hey, what are you doing? - I was stopping Compost and saving hundreds of lives, including yours.
Yeah, we didn't need saving.
We were doing the saving.
- I don't really think that's how it's going to play.
- How what's going to play? - Ow! - Blake Kobishaguwa-Ramirez on the scene as Perfecto saves hundreds of lives as well as rescuing the new fledgling, barely-holding-it-together superhero team, The Awesomes, from absolute certain death.
- Shut [Bleep].
- Well, my little pal Compost certainly gave The New Awesomes a workout.
I love it when a new plan comes together.
Now, gang, I think it's time for this doctor to make a house call.
Which means I want to leave, - so bring the car around.
- Sorry.
And just because I have the ability to control your minds and will doesn't mean you shouldn't make some effort! And Danny, I'm still waiting on ice for this Fresca.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Well, I don't see saving lives as something I need to be thanked for.
It's what I do.
Even if it means saving woefully under qualified and dangerously inept superheroes.
- Hey, good to see you.
- Hey, check it out, Perfect Man's here.
That guy is amazing.
- You okay? - I'm great.
Got some dust down my shorts, but I think it's actually helping with my normal chaffing.
- That was awesome! - We are The Awesomes! - I do have to say that was quite impressive.
- Yes, it was.
- Hey, Doctor Professor.
- Professor Doctor.
Um, Prock.
I'm Chad Chadway, television producer of Superhero Now.
I love your show.
The superhero side-boob segment has been - a great addition to the broadcast.
- We're proud of that.
- Yeah.
It's boobs.
- Actually, we were hoping to get you and The Awesomes to come on our show.
We'd really love to introduce The New Awesomes to the world.
- What do you say? - Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! TV, we need to be on TV.
Us on TV.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, please? - Well This is a bad idea.
- Everyone watches this show.
It's your chance to tell the world The Awesomes are - alive and you are in charge.
- But it's a gotcha show.
He's gonna try and trick me into looking stupid.
Or is it a getcha show? Where after the interview, people will getcha.
- There's no such thing as a getcha show.
- Gotcha.
How's your arm? You should really see a doctor.
I am a doctor.
And I am perfectly capable of putting my own arm in a cast.
- What's that? - I plastered my cell phone inside by accident.
But I'm getting pretty good at flexing and hitting my speed dial.
You've reached the party girls chat line.
Obviously a misdial.
Weird that a chat line would be a digit off from the White House.
Just $9.
99 for the first two minutes and $12.
99 for - any additional - And there.
99 is not bad.
I'm Spencer Robertson, and welcome to Superhero Now.
The Awesomes.
Since the '40s it has been America's Greatest Superhero Team.
Their founder, Mr.
Awesome, had the strength of 100 men, could out-fly nuclear missiles, and had bones of steel.
He created the team and kept it alive for seven decades.
They helped us win wars, fought super-villains like the Catastrophe Brothers and Dr.
They were our heroes.
Then yesterday, Mr.
Awesome announced he was retiring.
Stepping aside, and putting the team in the hands of his son.
When we come back we'll talk to the new leader of The Awesomes, Professor Doctor Awesome.
- We're clear.
- Your father is a great man.
A great man.
- Thank you.
- We're back in five, four, three, two - Can I start by reading some quotes about you? - Sure.
"Will never be his father.
A pale imitation.
A family shame.
" - Whose quotes are these? - Mine.
- But you were just so nice.
- Your word against mine.
Now, let's talk about your father.
He was a powerful superhero.
A level 10 on the government's - scale of super powers.
- Yes.
- What level are you? - That's hard to say really.
- Wikipedia says you're a level two.
- That's inaccurate.
I have a super-genius brain.
I am an accomplished martial artist, - which is very helpful in combat.
- How did you hurt yourself? In combat.
- So should I talk? Or - Let me ask you this: Do you think the world needs The Awesomes anymore? Of course.
I mean, The Awesomes have always - made the world a safer place.
- Not everyone agrees with you.
Please welcome my next guest, Dr.
What? How did he get out of prison? Are you nuts? He's going to take control of our minds! - He's a super-villain! - Reformed super-villain.
I should point out to the audience that today, Dr.
Malocchio was released from prison - and pardoned for his crimes.
- Misunderstandings.
- Yes, misunderstandings.
- I spent a lot of time behind bars for those misunderstandings.
But I'm not bitter.
I'm not looking back.
I'm looking forward.
Oh, I think maybe we should look back a bit.
You led an army of super-villains on a decade long crime spree.
It took my father, The Awesomes, and all the superheroes on Earth - to defeat you and lock you away.
- Listen to yourself.
Hey, does anyone remember people? Huh? - I never thought of it that way.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
I have another question.
What came first, the superhero or the super-villain? Until your father came on the scene, there were no super-villains.
Now, you can't walk down the street without worrying some brawny so-called "hero" is gonna be swinging a girder like a baseball bat just to stop a simple bank heist.
- I do that.
It's really fun.
- It is time we ended "super-heroics".
- Mr.
Awesome Junior? - Professor Doctor Awesome.
- My superhero name is "Prock".
- Adorable.
You think you can follow - in your father's footsteps? - I know I can.
I've spent my whole life being around The Awesomes.
I know what it takes, I know what it is to be an Awesome.
Don't forget, I am a doctor and a lawyer.
That's two degrees.
And this is what I was born to do.
And I - Your, um, your nose is bleeding.
- So it is! Immune, just like his father.
- So tell me, Flock - Prock.
Of course.
Now you think you can recruit and train a bunch of other kids so they can have fights in the sky and fling cars around without any regard for our safety? The public safety is our number one concern.
Any hero who is a member of The Awesomes is trained to keep citizens out of harm's way while fighting crime.
Freeze it right there! Everybody chill out.
Just pass over your wallets, jewellery, cell phones, iPhones, iPads, iPod Touches, iPod Minis, and those Kindles where you can watch movies.
Just be orderly and calm.
No one needs to be a hero here.
Well, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place for that.
- Muscleman! - Maybe it's time for you to eat wheelchair.
That's the hip.
- Oops.
- What's your name, son? - Freezer Burn.
- No, that's the name they made you take to enter this so-called "super world".
That's your slave name.
- What does your mama call you? - David.
Give me the gun.
- How did this all happen, David? - Well so after the superheroes dropped that elephant on my dad's refrigeration plant, he was out of work.
This seemed to be the only way for me to help the family, and, - you know, it's to honour my Dad.
- You're going to be okay, son.
Because I'm going to help you.
How would you like to get rid of this thing that makes you different? - Do you mean my third nipple? - I mean your powers.
- Would you like to be normal? - More than anything in the world! - What kind of ray is that? - My powers, they're gone! They're gone! - I have three nipples but I'm normal! - Aww.
You all won't have to live in fear anymore.
None of you will! Today, I am forming a new movement: Operation Safe.
To rid the world of super powers, ridding us of superheroes and thereby stopping the super-villains they create! I asked you to put together a team, not to turn America against - the very concept of superheroes.
- That's classic Malocchio! He's a master mind controller.
Are you not the least bit worried he's back on the street? Of course I am.
But he's more of a Perfect Man-sized problem, don't you think? Which is why I'm considering giving your funding to him.
You can't do that! We filled our roster with three hours to spare.
The charter calls for seven members.
- You only have six.
- Go ahead.
Hit me as hard as you can.
- Didn't feel a thing.
- Okay, it's six but it's a good six.
And Sumo has two identities and is really fat in one of them, that's gotta count for like three more people right there.
The clock's running.
You have three hours or The Awesomes are no more.
Okay, so we have to find new members.
How does that work? - Facebook? - Anything left in the reject files? - Nada.
- I got it.
We'll make them come to us! We can have an audition.
Who wouldn't want to join - America's super team? We hold auditions! - I think you mean try-outs.
- Auditions implies actors and stuff.
- No.
I think you can audition for a superhero team.
Muscleman? "Audition" makes me think singing and dancing.
Look, I'm in charge, and I say we're calling them "auditions".
So don't mess with me, mister 'Cause I'm a su-per-he-ro man Yeah, okay, tryouts.
_ Next applicant, pleasese state your name and power.
- I'm Kid Crab.
- Why do they call you that? - Eww! - Pretty sweet, huh? - Next.
- I'm the Advocate.
My power is to turn people temporarily gay.
- Mm.
I think she's interesting.
- Oh, please, she's tired.
He's called Toolbox.
This is a Phillips head screwdriver, and this is a flat or slotted head screwdriver.
- Next.
- Eins, zwei, drei Do we really need to see a guy named the Snazi? - What are we gonna do? - I know, a lot of good choices.
It's gonna be tough to narrow it down.
Snazi seems like the most fun to hang with.
No, none of them are good enough, and we only have five minutes.
Am I too late for the tryouts? Stop.
Okay, this is the woman of your dreams and you are going to marry her, that much is clear.
But what you have to do now is play it cool.
You gotta nail the intro.
Something like, "Hey, I'm Prock, what's your deal?" Or, "Prock's my name, you're my game.
" Okay, deep breath, - stay calm, be the man.
- Am I too late for the tryouts? - I'm Prock and I'm Prock.
- Actually, we're kind of wrapping up here.
Maybe you could come by next year? Shut up, no, she's fine.
She's right on time.
I'm Professor Doctor, the leader of the team.
Who are you, how can we help you? I'm Hotwire.
I heard you guys were having tryouts.
We are! She heard about the tryouts, amazing detective skills.
- And what is your power exactly? - I kind of control electrical stuff.
- I can hotwire things.
- Then your name's perfect.
Good decision-making skills.
- I like where this is going.
- This is how it works.
That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
- I run 500 miles an hour! - I make things appear with my mind.
- I mean, yeah, but did you see how bright it got? - The thing is, I don't have any data on her.
She's a newbie.
We just need some time to do - a full background check.
- So it's decided.
Welcome aboard, Hotwire.
And it looks like we got ourselves The Awesomes.
I wouldn't pop the champagne just yet.
- You and me have gotta talk.
- What's wrong? We've got seven members.
And did you see Hotwire? She seems very, very nice.
- Seven team members, or seven rejects? - I doubt Joyce Mandrake will - be happy with a team of rejects.
- She's never going to know they were a team of rejects.
Besides, I only have 48 hours, I can't be choosy.
- You had us bugged? - Yeah.
I thought you might do something, - oh, I don't know, dishonest?! - Wait, I can explain.
You were trying to defraud the public, and the agency that has supported you for decades.
And you know what we call that in federal government? A dick move.
Please, I know in my heart that anybody has the potential to be a real hero.
They don't even need powers.
And these people, this team, - they can be real heroes.
- It's a little too late for that.
- Wha What's going on? - Oh, hell.
We're under attack.
How did anyone break through Awesome Mountain's defences? When you boxed up all of our stuff, - did any of it say "Security System"? - Is that important? - Yeah.
- Who are these people? - Oh, no.
It's the Animal Kingdom.
- Oh, they are so cute.
- Look at you, you guys are precious - Silence, whore! - Or I will rip your tongue from your gullet.
- Wow.
That is [Bleep] up.
- Yep.
- When we heard Mr.
Awesome had abandoned his mission and scampered off, we mourned the lost opportunity - at humiliating him again.
- Look, look, we don't want any trouble.
Quiet, you boneless whelp.
If we want to hear a squeal, we'll beat it out of you.
Okay, right.
I'm gonna get a broom.
Prock, do you have any pet carriers around for this "league of evil"? - They're stronger than they look.
- What - What do you want? - Weapons.
They like weapons.
The spineless offspring of our craven enemy is correct.
This fortress houses the most powerful implements of battle in our universe.
You give them to us, or we will trigger the bomb we have implanted in your headquarters' nuclear reactor.
But won't you and your pound puppies blow up, too? We do not care for our lives, to die in battle is the greatest honour we could ever experience.
Give us our weapons of perish! Well, I'm happy to give them to you, but it's just the two of us here.
Just me, Prock, and Joyce Mandrake.
Here in the meeting room, with you, very powerful villains, the Animal Kingdom.
It's not like, well, the entire Awesomes team is here - Oh, crap.
- Having a fajita night or anything.
What do we do, what do we do? I'll put all the food in containers and into the fridge.
Okay, what's next? - We have to save them.
- Yeah! How? But if The Awesomes were here, I'd have them stop that bomb that you guys strapped to our headquarters' nuclear reactor.
If they were here, I think I'd start with Gadget Gal, shutting down all internal monitoring systems so their movements - couldn't be seen.
- How the hell would I do that? All she'd have to do is enter her old override code from when she was - an Awesomes 40 years ago.
- Oh, right, it was my cat's name! - Little Black Sambo.
- Hey.
It's fine.
Different times.
Then, I'd have Frantic take the nuclear reactor offline.
- Concierge would talk him through the sequence.
- There's four main control pads.
Each key has to be turned within one second of one another.
- Turn key eight.
- Usually, it takes four people working in sync, but Frantic can do it at super-speed.
Then Impresario could form a construct to absorb all the radiation.
I'll have this all cleaned up for you and your friends in just a minute, baby.
- I mean, this is just what I'd do if The Awesomes were here, which they're not.
- Yes, but you were talking out loud quite a bit.
- Yeah, it's weird.
- Nice.
- Sumo and Muscleman could pry open the doors to the reactor.
And then Hotwire could defuse the bomb.
Then it would just be a matter of Impresario flying the team up through the west elevator shaft, and Gadget Gal jimmying out the lock to the meeting room.
Then they could come in here and kick your asses.
But as you said many, many times, they are not here.
Wait, hang on.
Oh, dog balls.
Our vengeance will be swift and painful.
Do you need me to put newspaper down in there - in case you have to pee? - Yes, please.
I am dutifully impressed with what I have seen today.
Shocked, really.
And grateful.
Prock, you have assembled a skillful crew, one that truly is awesome.
Okay, whatever.
Do we have our funding back? - Yes.
Your funding is reinstated.
- All right! - For six months.
- But you were dutifully impressed, and we were skilful, and The Awesomes.
Yeah, or you got lucky.
Six months' probation.
- Hey.
- Hey! Hey.
I just wanted to tell you that, well, I'm new to this whole "superhero outwitting the bad guys" thing, so I don't have a lot to compare it to, but that was amazing.
- You were amazing.
- Well, not really.
The team is actually the ones who were I just Not amazing, but a little amazing.
- But you guys, you in particular just - Prock, you are a great leader.
- Thank you.
- Baby, are you all right? I heard that Awesome Mountain was breached by villains.
There hasn't been a breach in 30 years.
- Who's that? - I leave the team for one day and suddenly the most fortified structure on Earth has more foot traffic than - a cathouse during Mardi Gras? - Oh, I know that voice.
- I'm fine, Perfect Man.
- No! - We took care of it.
- What is going on? - Just making sure my gal is safe.
- I am safe.
- You're dating Perfect Man? - Yes.
I would have said something earlier, but I didn't want you putting me on the team just - because Perfect Man is my boyfriend.
- Perfect Man is your boyfriend? - Yeah.
- Hey.
I've got about 20 minutes.
You wanna go to Waikiki? We could do it on the beach.
- Oh - Or do you wanna do that thing - at the Eiffel Tower again? - The Eiffel Tower thing was so - Yeah.
Eiffel Tower.
- Wow, she's dating Perfect Man? - Yep.
- That's crazy.
He's gets all the chicks.
- But he's a dick.
- What? - Perfect Man's a huge dick.
- I thought you thought he was amazing.
He is.
But he is also a huge mega-dick.
But I'll tell you what he's not.
He's not the leader of The Awesomes.
That's you.
The leader of The Awesomes! Very nice.
Everything is going according to plan.
Is this the Chateau Margaux '95? Because it tastes like the '94, - which I wouldn't clean my toilets with.
- I'll go get Ah.
I expect a little better.
This is my secret lair, not a [Bleep] Denny's! _ - In France, they call me Le Magnifique.
- Yes, you told me that.
I didn't realize you were calling a press conference.
I figured that since we're in Paris, I really should.
The foreign press is very important.
I may wanna host the Golden Globes this year.
Um, okay.
Should we have dinner soon or Oh, I never eat the food here.
These people put sauce on everything.
I bought some Jack Link's jerky.
They're low-carb.
- Don't forget, the camera adds 10 pounds to you.
- Why'd you say "to me"? I'll explain later.
Wish me luck.
Bonjour, Frenches.
My name is Go home, you stupid American super-idiot.
- We should go.
- Yeah.
[The Hold Steady's "Chips Ahoy" plays] How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah you won't even dance