The Awesomes (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

Paternity

has us wondering what the supposed superhero team The Awesomes will do next.
And by "wondering," I mean waiting.
And by "do next," I mean royally screw up and make themselves look like idiots.
And by "idiots," I mean these "Awesomes", got the whole damned world attacked by robots! Robots! What could be more un-American, more freedom hating than that? And you know what? The whole thing strikes me just a little bit gay.
That's right! You heard me, g When I think of all the greatness Mr.
Awesome has brought to this land, this world, and how his name is being how do you put this delicately crapped on like you've got the sh [bleep] after scarfing down a diseased Mexican dinner.
It makes me sad.
That's right.
Just keep talking.
It's all music to my ears.
Dr.
Malocchio, sir.
You have an urgent communiqué on your secure link.
Sir? Sorry.
Got kind of, um, swept up in here.
You went pretty fast there.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
My mistake.
You can just, uh, shimmy down a bit.
There's a, um, kind of a porthole sort of thing - behind the chair there.
- You mean this? Jeez! I'm sorry! The hell's the cat doing in here? - Got it.
- Great.
Take the cat too, will you? Thank you.
Hello.
It's me.
I assume you're delivering some news.
Preferably good news? Do you have it? Not yet.
But I'm getting closer.
Close is for horseshoes, hand grenades, and three alarm chili.
I despise chili.
I am doing everything on my end to keep the Awesomes discredited, as well as off-balance.
But you, I just need you to do one thing.
One.
I need more time.
I don't want them getting suspicious.
They all trust me.
Of course they trust you.
You are a member of the team.
Why would any of the Awesomes suspect that one of them is working for me? - Sorry.
- Sorry don't cut it.
So you did all this damage? - Yes, but in pursuit of a criminal.
- That criminal? I guess that will teach you to shoplift.
Yes.
That criminal.
Where to you want him? Back of the squad car - or straight to county lock-up? - Eh.
You'll be hearing from the city.
Probably want to bring us in for a photo op with the Mayor.
Key to the city sort of stuff.
I'll bring you along, even though I pretty much caught him on my own.
You can't keep doing things like this.
Didn't you hear anything I said about us getting back on track as heroes? I was trying to listen, but it was very boring.
Muscleman, you destroyed a city block - to catch, what, a 10 year old? - Nine.
He stole a CD right in front of me.
What was I supposed to do? Ignore him and wait for your coffee like the rest of us.
When you steal music, you steal from the artist.
I was defending Tori Amos? Why is a nine year old listening to Tori Amos? I'm going through some stuff.
You can't keep doing this kind of damage.
You need to learn that your actions have consequences.
Consequences? It's 2013! If we've learned anything, it's that mistakes have no consequences.
All I have to do is say "I'm sorry.
" And I'm sorry.
- That's not how it works.
- Why are they fighting? Prock and Muscleman have known each other their whole lives.
- They're like a married couple.
- Married couples fight? All the time.
It's perfectly natural.
Do married couples ever stop fighting? Not really.
They just fall into a comfortable yet argumentative pattern.
- Why does anyone get married? - That, young man, is a question I have no answer for.
If we're going be taken seriously, we've got to get serious.
You need to be an asset, not a burden.
- You think I'm a burden? - No.
I mean, yes, when you do dumb things - Well, not dumb, but - So I'm dumb and a burden.
Excuse me, Mr.
Muscleman? Can I have your autograph? Happily.
It's nice to be appreciated.
You've been served.
- Served? - It's a subpoena.
You've been ordered to stand trial for an intergalactic lawsuit.
- What kind of lawsuit? - Paternity.
An Intergalactic Paternity Suit? Not again.
Oh, I think I have someone else's coffee.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome If you can describe the alien, I can cross-check the database and find their home planet.
Hmm.
How best to describe it? I would say it had a healthy face with a buxom overtone.
To use the parlance of cows, I would say there was an udder quality.
It looked like the magazines under my dad's bed.
Aw, just say it.
It had tits for eyes.
- Gleeborians.
- That's a funny name.
It's a Zaranthian word.
- What does it mean? - Tits for eyes.
- How far away, Concierge? - Seven planet systems.
We're not transporting there with any of our gear, but I might be able to establish a video connection.
Muscleman said, "not again.
" Has this happened to him before? Yeah.
Muscleman has a taste for what you - might call alien [bleep].
- Alien [bleep]? Yeah, you know how I like regular human [bleep]? - He likes his [bleep] alien.
- He can't get enough alien [bleep].
I remember walking in on him once.
- Muscleman? We gotta go.
- Shut the door! That would be a Moolite from planet Goob.
Same thing happened to me.
- Muscleman? - Shut the door! I had the same unfortunate outcome.
Shut the door! Wait.
I walked in on him the other night.
Hey.
Sorry.
I I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Mmm.
No, stay.
- What? Look at me.
Just keep looking at me.
- What are you doing to that plant? - Look at me! That was a plant person from the planet Aphid.
Ew! How does he find them? - I blame Greg's list.
- You mean craigslist? No.
Greg's list.
If you want something even Craig won't touch, you turn to Greg.
Did someone call for Greg? Get out of here, Greg! Oh, suit yourself.
Hey, darling.
You ever want to make real money, give me ring.
Get out of here, Greg! I'm getting a connection.
Hello.
I'm Professor Doctor Awesome of the Awesomes, and you have my friend.
Yes, we have the one you call Muscleman.
Aw, man.
How come Muscleman gets to be on camera? It's not a good thing that he's on camera.
- It is if he's trying to put together a reel.
- We want him back.
If he is found innocent, you can have him back.
And what? He's supposed to defend himself? A man who defends himself has a fool for a client, so that actually might work for Muscleman.
Ugh.
Very well.
We shall beam two people of Muscleman's choosing to serve as his legal team.
Impresario, you're in charge while I'm gone.
Hotwire, you can come with me.
I could use your sharp mind and friendly friendship.
I choose Impresario and Frantic.
Uh, I'm sorry, what? You're picking Impresario and Frantic? I do not care for the italics that you put on our names.
Yeah! We're a great choice.
Hey, what'd we get choosed for? Yeah, you can't let him do this.
He's not in his right mind.
He has to choose me.
No, please, Prock.
I couldn't.
- I would hate to be a burden.
- Muscleman! The defendant has made his decision.
And he won't regret it.
- This is tickly! - We're going to a place with cameras.
I can't believe it.
He always turns to me when he's in trouble.
Alert.
Alert.
A level 5 criminal act is in progress.
TMI Bank and Trust has been robbed.
You could send us.
Last I checked, we're all members of The Awesomes.
- Don't you trust us? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Um Gadget Gal, Sumo, Hotwire.
You three head after the bank robber, I'll stay here and work on getting our guys back from space.
Or I could stay here and help you.
She thinks she should stay here with me.
Yes, you should.
Stay here with me.
Right, okay.
That's the plan.
You two go, we stay.
You're making me take the kid? Last I checked we were all members of The Awesomes.
Don't you trust me? Touché, kid.
You can come, but stay out of my way! - So what now? - We get our friends back.
- And you forgot I was here.
- Oh.
Jeez, I'm sorry.
- I did.
I did forget.
- Whatever.
I'll make coffee.
- Thank you.
- Oh, suck it! Where you taking us? Your friend's paternity trial is about to begin.
We are taking you to the courtroom.
Now remember, Frantic, this is a different culture than ours.
It's important that we act dignified for our entire time on this alien pl Welcome to Who's the Daddy? A TV show? This keeps getting better! Ah, let's see a clip from last week.
Kleep Klox, you are not the daddy! I told you, I told you.
Aww.
And tonight, for the first time ever, we find out if a human is the daddy.
- Stay tuned after this quick break.
- That's a cut.
We gotta do something about these lights.
I'm sweating my under face off.
You can see your friend now.
So, what are you doing? Building a transporter to go and get Muscleman.
Can you believe he didn't want my help? Maybe Frantic and Impresario can get him back.
Um, have you not been paying attention? Because things kind of fall to pieces when I'm not telling people what to do.
But people will never learn how to take care of themselves - if you don't let them try.
- That's what the Holographic Image Projection Integration Engine Room is for.
It's faster if you just call it the HIPIER.
We practice in a way that people can't get hurt.
Done.
You just made a transporter? - Well, I am genius.
- Wow, that's amazing.
- Does it work? - Almost.
I just need an energy source.
And witnesses say the perp was an older male, possibly in his late 70s, early 80s.
- Dressed like a supervillain.
- Old and evil.
That's Mama's favorite flavor of danger.
So, what do we do now? Are you gonna be asking questions all day, Short Pants? Because if so, I can drop you off at daycare! I'm at an age when my learning capacity is at its highest.
My parents say every day is a classroom.
- They seem like fun folks.
- Seriously, what's the next step? Step one: find a place an old villain would go to blend in.
Step two: you look in their eyes and see if you detect villany.
He's good.
She checks out.
Isn't there something a little more efficient? There's always step three: intimidation.
Ahem.
My name is Gadget Gal.
The Oriental boy here is Tim.
- Oriental isn't the accepted term.
- To this lot it is.
We are looking for villains.
If any of you knows where a villain is and doesn't tell us, that makes you a villain.
And that would make us very mad.
And you don't want to see us very mad.
- Don't do that! - I suppose you have a better plan.
I do.
But first, I think we better get out of here.
He doesn't look good.
Just Come on.
So you're a human? Muscleman.
Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, I'm Glorbo.
- They trying to pin a kid on you too? No.
The woman that you procreated with, yeah, that's my wife.
Either the baby is mine and I'll have the honor of fatherhood, or it's yours - and I shall live out my life in shame.
- This works out great then.
Let's tell them you want the kid and I'll get out of here.
It doesn't the way.
I mean, the child decides.
Great to see you guys.
This is, uh Kevin? - Ehm.
It's Glorbo.
- I am so bad with names.
So I assume you have an escape plan all ready to go.
Escape plan! Grab them! In the future, Muscleman, don't ask about the escape plan in front of those you are endeavoring to escape from.
Knew it as soon as I said it.
If it makes you feel any better, we didn't have a plan.
That does make me feel a little better.
- Let's get you to the stage.
- They're taking us to the stage! - The better keeps getting better.
- This is not better! Is now a good time to say I wish I'd asked for Prock? No! So where are you gonna find a power source - strong enough for a transporter? - Well Stop! I probably shouldn't tell her about the Vault.
Muscleman would be furious.
But you know what, I'm furious at Muscleman so maybe this is just payback.
But am I really going to reveal the biggest secret of Awesome Mountain to Hotwire just out of pettiness? On the other hand, it's Hotwire.
Marriages are built on trust.
And even though we're not married now we will be one day and I'd feel better about her vows if I just tell her about the Vault now.
It's settled.
I'll tell her because I love her and as a bonus it will irritate Muscleman.
Start! If I tell you a secret do you promise not to tell? - Cross my heart and hope to die.
- So Boss, you better come to the control room.
Is it important? Well, Gadget Gal and Tim just made a roomful of senior citizens do a number two in their Depends.
So you tell me.
Ugh, it's important.
So we struck out at bingo but there are more places for the old and villainous to congregate.
- Where is the nearest soup dispensary? - You need to use technology if you want to get anything done these ways.
Whether you're looking for soup or villains in hiding, - there's an app for that.
- What a novel invention.
I thought those contraptions were just used - to trade photos of one's privates.
- They do that too.
- What's wrong? - Well, according to this, there's a villain in hiding right here.
But the only person I see is that sweet old man feeding the birds.
- He can't be our bank robber.
- Bird Master.
- Gadget Gal.
- Stop right there! You'll never take me alive! Attack! According to this, Bird Master fought the Awesomes in the early '50s, - and can talk to birds - Just get behind me, squirt.
I wanna fight too! The day I fight with a kid is the day I hang 'em up.
You made a terrible mistake, Gadget Gal.
I just needed some cash so I could live out my life in retirement.
But now I have the taste of evil anew! And now my birds and I shall destroy this city! - So should we go now? - Yeah, let's go now.
Uh, is this a seat that will be in the crowd reaction shots? Because I promise you, I make excellent crowd reactions.
What? No! She didn't! My Lord! - Where is your decency, sir? - I owe you a debt of gratitude, sir.
- Oh, don't eat the rag! - Show's starting! Let's bring out the mama! You can't say I don't have good taste when it comes to alien women.
By the looks of it, the child is ready to select its father.
Will it choose Glorbo of Zaxy? Or Muscleman of Earth? Theyre out for blood.
We need a plan.
Kill the Earthling! Kill the Earthling! - Frantic! - I'm sorry, this is my favorite kind of show.
The minute we showed up I was more excited than when Columbus crashed his boat into Florida.
I feel like I belong here.
Well, if you watched so many of these shows, - tell me what we should do.
- I do have one idea.
But how would I get myself free? This is one of those puzzles Prock is so good at solving.
- But you're smart too.
- Thank you, Frantic.
Now let's see.
What if you vibrated as fast as you could? That might give you enough to wiggle out of there.
- I'm free! - Great! Now what's your plan? Just watch and learn.
This always works on shows like this.
And without further ado - Oof! What in the? - Get him, Frantic! - You monster! I loved her! - What? Unh! I'm gonna kill everybody here.
- Bad plan, Frantic.
- I'm sorry, but I ain't never felt so alive in my life.
- So what do we do now? - Cross our fingers and hope Muscleman isn't the father.
Don't worry, fellas! This cannon shoots blanks! His confidence is so contagious.
Put me down you big oaf! You may be strong but it's gonna take a real superhero to stop Bird Master! Join me, my feathered brethren, or should I say "feathren.
" - Chirp.
- No? I shouldn't say "feathren"? - Chirp.
- Too much? - Chirp.
- Oh, too confusing.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
But also thank you - for giving me your honest opinion.
- Chirp.
Nice try, Gadget Gal, but you're too far away for your toys to be of use! Now let's take back the skies! I think it's sweet that Gadget Gal and Tim were spending time together.
She's been dragging him around town on a self-destructive search for vengeance.
Tim should be spending time with me, learning how to be a superhero.
Prock, this is a team.
And yes, you're its leader, but at some point you need to accept that you can't do everything.
Delegating is part of your job.
You're so smart.
And lovely.
And nice.
So I delegate you to be in charge of saying smart, - lovely and nice things.
- See.
You're great at delegating.
It's such a nice Birds! Welcome back! We've come to the most important part of our program! It's time to find out Who's! The! Daddy! Will it be Glorbo? Or will it be the human? Who's! The! Daddy! Who's! The! Daddy! Who's! The! Daddy! Release the child! - [Bleep] - Even his seed is strong.
Come to me, my boy.
Come to me, my beautiful boy.
Glorp.
Aww.
- Oh, no.
- What's happening? His fatherly instincts are kicking in.
- Come to your papa, little guy.
- This isn't good.
Can't you use your powers, Impresario? But how? I told you, there's too many guards.
That's why now is the time for trickery.
- You're smart too, Frantic.
- Thank you, Impresario.
No! My shame! Come to me! Over here, baby.
I mean Come to me, boy.
Wait! What are you doing? That's not me! It's a trick.
I'm your daddy and I'm gonna raise you right! No! No! No! The baby has chosen! The humans are free to go.
And now, as is the tradition, the son shall honor the father Come on, buddy.
You don't need to see this.
No.
I want to look at the little fella one last time.
by eating him! - What did he just say? - Eat the dad! - Eat the dad! - Honor! Earth has such a long way to go until they have TV this good.
- Well, he's got your appetite.
- Let's get the [bleep] out of here.
He's right! I don't have the distance! Well, look at you.
But what are you going to shoo? Kid's got moxie! Head for the plane! Your sacrifice will not be in vain! Ugh.
- What happened? Who saved us? - Gadget Gal? - At your service! - She can't fly, can she? She's not flying, she's falling! And I can't do anything about it! We're going out together, old foe.
Any last words? If I said "feathren," what would you think I meant? Feathered brethren.
Oh.
You were always smart as a whip.
And I know how to use one in the bedroom.
Farewell life! Well, I have to say, you do come in handy sometimes.
Ugh, gross! - Are you guys okay? - We're better than okay! Kid here really impressed me today.
He's a fast learner when it comes to the hero biz.
I just have a good teacher.
- What's say I treat you to a milkshake? - Sounds great.
- Where is the nearest soda fountain? - 1958.
See? Sometimes they don't need you.
Sure.
Sometimes.
But none of this changes the fact that Impresario, Frantic and Muscleman are - You're back! - And better than ever! I got an agent on Gleeboria! He mostly does extra work but he thinks he can use me.
I guess they do a lot of movies where humans run screaming from things and that is my bread and butter.
Watch! - What happened? - Well, to be honest we got luck What happened was Impresario and Frantic saved me.
They were great.
You should be really proud of them.
I am.
And I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
You're not a burden.
You're anything but that.
- It's just - You want us to do better.
You're right.
And we will.
Not just be better heroes, but be better role models.
I'm through with alien [bleep].
Don't get me wrong.
I still love me some alien [bleep].
But if giving up alien [bleep] will help this team, - then I've [bleep] my last alien [bleep].
- Um thanks? And that goes for all you! We're gonna help Prock show the world what happens when we focus on doing our jobs.
The Awesomes can be truly awesome! - What's Frantic doing over there? - Is that a press conference? So when my alien agent called and asked if I wanted be a judge in the Miss Global Beauty Pageant, I said: Abso [bleep] lutely! 'Cause there's three things I love.
Boobs and looking at 'em.
Yee-haw! Boobs.
It's refreshing to not be the one you're mad at.
I will not get in there and let you teleport me.
Come on.
I just wanna test it.
Oh, this is perfect.
Go ahead, big guy.
Take a look.
Okay, I'll set this to send him back to his native habitat.
Where's he from? I don't know.
The woods of Canada? Toronto? That sounds like woods.
It worked! Wow.
He didn't leave a trace.
Uh-oh.
So how was Toronto? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance