The Awesomes (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

The Pageant

I'm doing the best I can, but I can only look when they leave Awesome Mountain.
Convince Prock to go to the pageant? How am I supposed to do that? Hey, Hotsie! There's a real fun argument going on.
- Don't want you to miss it.
- I gotta go.
I'll see what I can do.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
I am going to be a celebrity judge in a beauty pageant.
You are not going to be a judge in a beauty pageant.
- You're not the boss of me! - Yes, I am.
I even put it on the corkboard so you wouldn't forget.
I'm sorry Frantic, but my answer is final.
We need to focus on fighting bad guys successfully.
Oh, come on.
We've been successful.
Have we? Collateral damage, lawsuits and destruction of beloved historical landmarks does not fit my definition of success.
Well, lady, I guess you and I have different dictionaries.
- You're an imbecile.
- Well, you're a duck.
Prock, please, I'll give you a million dollars.
You don't have a million dollars.
Scratch and win lottery tickets.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Ha! A free mani-pedi! All yours.
- I don't want that.
- I'll take that.
Aren't mani-pedis just for ladies? One of the keys to being a modern man is embracing things that are supposedly "just for ladies.
" Check it out.
- Incredible! - That's right.
Ain't no shame in a man with well-kept feet.
Nooo! I don't understand.
In the lottery commercials, people always win.
- I don't know what to believe anymore.
- I know you're sad, little guy, but we have to trust Prock.
He knows what he's doing.
- Thanks, Muscleman.
- I got your back, buddy.
But the pageant is televised! And I want to be on television! - It's my dream! - Frantic, this team is a PR nightmare.
How would you hosting a pageant help that? It would show people that we're fun.
This generation cares too much about fun.
In my day, fun was not having Polio.
- And no one cares how fun we are.
- Well, actually according to Concierge - What, according to Concierge? - Hotwire! That was a secret.
What was a secret? According to a recent poll in Superhero Quarterly, - we're the least fun superhero team.
- What? We're totally fun! Impresario is fun.
Muscleman is fun.
You're fun.
- Technically, that's not the problem.
- Hotwire! Double-secret! What's the double-secret? You personally polled as the least fun superhero.
I was going to tell you, but you're already such a bummer.
What? But that's I'm so much fun! Like that time I Or when I The way I Oh, my God, I'm not fun.
How does a person get to be fun? Well, it couldn't hurt to think outside the box.
Yeah! Think outside the box! Think outside the box! Everybody! Think outside the box! Think outside the box! Guys! What did I say about group chants? We don't have to do it every time Frantic starts one.
- Thank you.
- Maybe Frantic judging a pageant and the whole team going to support him will show people that you know how to loosen up and have a good time.
You're right, Hotwire.
Thanks for having my back.
Actually, previously established, I have your back.
More than one person can have my back.
But I've known you longer, so technically I should have first right of refusal on having your back.
- Not now, Muscleman.
- Mm.
Okay.
You can judge the pageant.
But please promise to represent yourself in a manner that is - becoming of an Awesome.
- I will not let you down.
Ricky Finn here for Superhero Tonight.
And I'm here with Awesomes member Frantic, who has a special announcement.
Sooey! Sooey! Sooey! Frantic is in the house! I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Sooey! What's coming out of Prock's mouth? He's grinding his teeth so hard it's making tooth dust.
This is fun.
I'm having fun.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome We're going to a beauty contest! We're going to a beauty contest! We're going to a beauty contest! Guys! Chants! I thought you were going to try and be more "fun.
" Oh, right.
We're going to a beauty contest.
We're going to a beauty contest.
I've never heard of the Miss Global Pageant, which is strange because I'm a self-described pageant-head.
I, for one, don't care for these displays of feminine beauty.
It's sideshows like this that set back the female cause.
You know, with legs like yours, you wouldn't do too shabby in a pageant.
My legs are only for one thing, dollface.
And that is? Son of a Why is the pageant in Ohio? I thought these things were usually in Las Vegas or Atlantic City.
Uh, because this is what is known as a low-end pageant.
Why did you agree to this again? Well, Hotwire made a good point about having fun.
Mm-hmm.
Real talk? It seems like all it takes to get you to agree to something these days - is to have Hotwire suggest it.
- Do you not like Hotwire? I like her, but Well, I like her butt.
It's the rest of her I don't trust.
I'm sorry I said that.
I know you dig her.
- It's just - It's just what? You haven't historically had the best instincts when it comes to women.
- Mom, Dad, this is Tina.
- Mr.
Awesome, prepare to die! Tina! Mom, Dad, this is Becky.
The Lizard People of Bogar send their best.
Becky! Mom, Dad, this is Gloria.
And Wait, no, she's obviously an evil robot.
Die, Mr.
Awesome.
I did have real feelings for you.
Just don't.
Hotwire is different from all of them.
- And first of all, she's a superhero.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
- Where is she, by the way? - She said she wasn't feeling well so she stayed behind at Awesome Mountain.
So she suggested this trip and then backed out? - Um, she has a super sore throat.
- Not an excuse in my book.
Remember, we're parked in 24C.
We're the only plane in the whole lot.
Everybody else just has cars.
You never know.
Man, you are uptight.
Now, Frantic, listen to me, because I have a lot of experience with pageantry.
In my day, I've seen many a winner crowned thanks to a rigorous routine of talent and composure.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Concierge.
You're a smart modern woman.
Why are you giving credence to this awful display? I take back what I said about your legs.
You would never win a pageant.
And you know why? You have no charis Son of a Did you guys picture a nicer pageant? Mr.
Frantic, I can not tell you how wonderful it is to have you here.
You, sir, have the kind of star power that only comes along once in a lifetime.
- Star power? Me? - Yes, sir.
In fact No, I couldn't do that.
It would be too crazy.
What would be too crazy? What can't you do? Here I am with you as a judge, and I can't help thinking that you would make a better contestant! Whaaaat?! What do you say? Do you want to be Miss Global? Do I ever! Is this one of those "just for women" things - that's cool for men to do? - It is not.
Um, excuse me, but wouldn't you lose your charter if you let a man compete? - Based on what? - Oh, I don't know, Pageant By-Laws.
Your friend is a sassy bummer.
Ugh.
Tell me about it.
She's the worst.
Let's get you in makeup.
Hey, boss, isn't this usually the time you step in and throw a fit about what a bad idea this is? From now on I'm fun, just like Hotwire said.
Though my instinct is to throw a fit.
But I must fight it.
Hmm.
You know what I bet would help? Calling Hotwire to see how she's feeling.
- Uh, hello? - Hey, I just called to see if you're okay.
Hey, yeah, it's just, um, you know, my stomach still feels pretty bad.
- I thought you had a sore throat.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
Sore throat.
It must have traveled to the stomach.
- How are you doing? - I don't know.
Fun isn't coming as easy to me as I hoped.
For what it's worth, I already think you're fun.
Wow.
Thanks.
Hey, listen, since you do think I'm fun, I thought you and I could do something fun sometime - I should go, Prock.
This headache - Stomachache.
Stomachache is hitting me pretty hard.
Bye.
Huh.
It's like she wanted to get off the phone.
And it's weird that she can't remember why she's sick.
You know, this would definitely rattle me if I was old stressed-out Prock.
Thank God I'm not! Ah.
I'm a bad person.
Now where are those keys? I can't believe you're just okay with this.
I've let go, Muscleman.
And I feel great.
Why didn't anyone tell me about this having fun thing years ago? Also, side note, I think I'm making real progress with Hotwire.
Now as you know, beauty pageants aren't just about beautiful women standing around in bikinis.
It's time for our global issues portion, where our judges will ask these young women and Frantic their opinions on world events.
I just got off the phone with the National Pageant Association.
They say they've never heard of this pageant.
If Prock won't act like the old Prock, then I guess I'll have to.
Ahem.
What you just said stressed me out and made me aggravated.
- Grrr! I'm a ball of tension.
- Huh? Oh, look.
Frantic is answering his question.
I do believe that clean water is an essential right because when I was growing up my brothers would always spit lougies in my water and then, when I drank it, they would laugh and point at me.
But now I'm the one who is laughing and pointing because I'm a man competing in a lady pageant! Judges? _ I've said it once, I'll say it again: "When are we getting lunch?" And with two perfect tens, Frantic remains in the lead.
This is the dumbest pageant I've ever seen.
There's no way Frantic should be scoring this high.
- What was that for? - Huh? I dozed off.
Probably just reflex.
What would Prock do? What would Prock do? We're down to our last round.
Three finalists will be chosen to compete for the crown.
Our final six: Miss England, Miss Germany, Miss Googyland, Miss Countrytania, Miss Mister and Miss Sample Sash.
Hey, those last three aren't real countries.
I refuse to acknowledge Germany too.
And now it's time for the talent portion.
Frantic, you're up first.
Yeah, this can't be normal.
Now, I've never done three before.
Or two.
But I'm real good with one.
So good.
Everything today has been so, so, good.
That was great, Frantic, but I think everyone would like to see your real talent.
How about you run around this table as fast as you can and show us how you do your thing? Heck.
Running is what I do best! Hey, bossman.
Something is not right.
There were bats in the camera.
I'm starting to think this whole thing is a Ah, what's that word? Not "bird.
" It's like when someone sets something and you get caught in it? Relax, Muscleman.
You're too high-strung.
You remind me of a young me.
You see, the key is you got to buff it.
Uh, oops! Looks like I've gotta run.
But remember ladies, you can have the feet of your dreams if you want it bad enough.
Tim, honey? - The Gopher King.
- Wait! Are you sure he's not BadgerMan or the Evil Weasel? BadgerMan's dead and the Evil Weasel - only burrows for good, remember? - I know I shouldn't say this, - but they all look the same to me.
- Hey! No, wait, I think that's technically fine to say.
- I am the Gopher King.
- Told you.
Welcome to my underground lair.
- A hutch, right? - No, that's rabbits.
- Burrow.
- No, that's badgers and moles.
House? It's my secret underground headquarters, okay? And if you must know, gophers live in what's called gopher towns.
So you're, like, the mayor of Gopher Town? I'm a supervillain, okay? Jesus, do you question other supervillains this way? Well, maybe we'd stop asking questions if you told us your plot.
Well, I can't tell you my plot because you keep asking questions.
No one likes sarcasm! My plot is very simple and impossible to foil.
First of all, I want to thank you, Frantic, - for making a hole big enough.
- Ain't no thing.
I just hope the judges are as gracious.
And now that there's a massive hole, I'll finally be able to fire my massive Atomic Tilling Gun! I'm sorry, did you say "killing"? - Tilling.
Tilling with a T.
- What is tilling? What, am I defending a [bleep]ing thesis over here? Tilling the land is when you tear up the soil - so you can plant things.
- Correct.
And it's my plan to return Earth to an even more primitive state.
Once fired, the gun's ray will tear up the entire surface of the planet, turning all the soil and making it habitable for my race of oversized, irritable Gophermen.
We've spent years building it from an indestructible alloy mined from the center of the Earth.
So you cannot possibly destroy it.
So much for having fun.
I'm never doing that again.
Thank God.
You're much more fun when you're not fun.
We may not be able to destroy the gun, but maybe we can stop the beam.
- How? - We have an anti-matter ray back in the Vault at Awesome Mountain.
But we don't have time to make it back to the Vault.
But I can call Hotwire and have her get it for us.
But it's in the Vault, which is in a secret location only you and me know, accessible by only you and me Or I? - Me.
It's me.
- Only you and me have access to the Vault for very important reasons.
You and me have an understanding.
Come on, we can trust Hotwire.
- No, me can't.
- Can.
Can.
Can.
- Can't.
Can't.
Cannot.
- Ahem! Hello! If you two are done whispering, then I would like to power-up my gun and destroy the surface of Earth.
Is that all right with you? Fine! I mean, no.
No! It was rhetorical.
Has it occurred to you that we're here because of Hotwire? She's the one who convinced you this trip was a good idea.
She's the one who stayed behind.
And now she's the one that you're going to tell about the Vault.
I am calling her.
That's a really stupid thing to do.
Speaking of stupid, looks like Frantic still thinks he's competing in a pageant.
And that's why they call me The fancy dancy man - So dumb.
- Oh, that's good.
- Where were we? - Don't call Hotwire! - I'm going to.
- We don't need her.
I'm gonna charge the gun and try to break it with my head.
- Hello? - Hey.
How are you feeling? Fine.
I mean, for someone who's really sick.
- So how's the beauty pageant? - Oh, about that, it was a trap.
So it was another public relations disaster.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I should never have suggested that you let Frantic do it.
- This is all my fault.
- No, it's it not.
You were just thinking about what's best for the team.
I shouldn't be making suggestions.
I'm still a rookie.
Hey, you may be a rookie, but you're a part of this team.
An important part.
I wish I could be there now.
I wish I could help.
Oh, right! That's why I called.
Could you get something for me? Stop! Muscleman is right.
The Vault is a secret that we're not supposed to tell anyone about.
But I really think I can trust Hotwire.
And besides, trust is an important part of any relationship no matter how currently one-sided that relationship is.
Start.
I need I need you to go into the Vault.
- The Vault? - Yeah, look, you're not supposed to know about it, but it's where the Awesomes stockpiled a ton of stuff my dad decided was too dangerous.
Don't worry about that though.
I just need you to get something out of there.
But you'll need the key.
- Key? - Yeah, it's a special key.
But I keep it hidden, so no one can find it.
- It's in the trophy room.
- Uh-huh? It's inside a book called The Key To Success by Tony Robbins.
Pretty clever, right? - Yeah.
Oh.
Here, I got the book.
- Cool.
Now, there's a key code lock on the book before you can open it.
The code is 54, 96 Are you getting this? Yeah, just a sec.
Fifty-four, 96 Go ahead.
Fifty-four, 96, 32, 18, 11, 59, 23.
Just a minute.
Eleven, 18, 59, 23.
- There! And I have the key.
- Great.
Now you just have to get to the Vault.
So where exactly is this "Vault"? It's down a secret corridor in the East wing.
Great.
Just tell me where I need to go.
Okay, The Vault is where we keep the anti-matter launcher.
And it's deep within Awesome Mountain.
You know the Awesomes' Make-Your-Own-Sandwich Bar? Open the sliding door below it marked "Mustard.
" Yeah, I know.
No one likes Mustard.
- Now what? - Jump down the chute.
How far a drop is this? I can't see what's down there.
You'll be fine.
I promise.
I'd never let anything happen to you.
You really wouldn't, would you? You'd really never let anything ever happen to me.
No.
I never would.
Now, just put the key in and unlock the door.
Whoa.
Geronimo! Prock, this is incredible.
Yeah, my dad started it years ago.
He was a real hoarder.
Okay, you're looking for our antimatter launcher.
Do you see the weapons aisle? It should be filed under A for "Antimatter.
" If not, it'll be under L for "Launchers," and you'll want to take a shuttle cart.
It's about a 15-minute ride.
Well, better get poundin'.
Uh-oh.
Prock, I found it.
It's right next to the Anti-Irish Ray.
Ah, yeah, that belonged to Gadget Gal back in the day.
Different times.
Bring it to the teleport bay and zap it to me at the auditorium.
That's 15201 Phyllis Diller Arena Way, Akron, Ohio.
- Grrr! - Oh! Oh! - And Hotwire? - Yeah? - You're awesome.
- Oh, Prock.
I Sorry.
Now let's knock those rodents back to Chuck E.
Cheese's.
Holy crap.
Where's Muscleman? Get your paws off me, you damn dirty mongoose! I'm a gopher, damn it! I said it, like, 50 times.
What if Muscleman's inside the gun? I have no choice.
- I did it! - Muscleman! Wait! Where's he going? We don't have a winner! We can't have a pageant without a winner.
So you didn't think I could do it, huh? - It's not that, it's just - It's just that when it comes down to friends and girls you like, girls you like always win, don't they? That's not true.
It's just sort of true.
Look, we're all on this team together.
Yeah, and you want to know why I joined this team? It's not 'cause of your famous dumb old dad and our important legacy and duty to carry this crap on.
No.
I joined because of you, man.
You're my best friend and I thought I thought you and I could be even greater heroes than our dads ever could be.
So I'm handing in my Awesomes ring.
- Hey, we never got any rings.
- Yeah, what gives? They were on order, I swear.
Jostens is all backed up.
It's high school graduation time.
A likely story.
I may be fantastic, but I'm no longer an Awesome.
- See ya.
- Muscleman, wait! We can work this out.
Maybe? Hey, how do you get out of here? Malocchio's headquarters, Malocchio speaking.
Daddy? - Daddy, I found it.
- That's my girl.
So, what do you keep in that purse, anyway? Oh, I've got a lot of things.
Let's see.
Cold cream, garter belts, crossbow, barbed wire, a thing that lets me reach cans on the high shelf, and Oh, look! Some Jack Link's jerky.
Oh, my God.
I am starvin'.
Pass it over.
You know, they're high in protein, which gives you energy.
I feel like I'm ready for anything! You're not gonna kick me again, are you? Son of a How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance