The Awesomes (2013) s03e05 Episode Script

Indiana Johnson and the Nazi Granddaughters

Previously on The Awesomes: You can't seriously be considering disbanding the Awesomes! We don't need fancy headquarters and expensive equipment to be superheroes.
We'll help people who come to us.
We'll be the Awesomes For Hire.
With the Awesomes gone, I can finally unleash my full powers, and no one will ever suspect a thing! And that is why I have decided to run for president.
Okay, Malocchio, you get back to Earth and stop Mr.
Awesome before it's too late.
Okay, that can't be good.
[grunts] - What were you doing in space? - Your guess is as good as mine.
Mr.
Awesome, you have it all.
What made you decide to risk everything and run for president? Standerson, it's simple.
Freedom is not just a word, freedom is a thing, a thing that is also a word, a word thing.
That's what I'm fighting for.
Well said, Mr.
Awesome.
You have my vote.
We now turn to Jeff Parsons for more on the missing Malaysian space ship.
Okay, first order of business.
I'm sorry, does anyone else think it's strange Mr.
Awesome is running for president? Guys, I'm sure my dad knows what he's doing.
And even though this seems completely out of touch with everything he's ever said or done, who am I to challenge him? [sighs] Okay, first order of business, a big thank you to Concierge for getting us a loan - so we can finally have a real office.
- I don't know if I'd call this a real office.
Hey guys, great to share office space with you.
- What app are you developing? - It's an app called Saving the World.
But we might pivot to lemonade sales.
Cool, cool, we run prankdudez.
com, the premier site for all things prank.
If you ever want to bounce ideas, you can use our idea bounce house.
How about those smoothies? They for the whole office? No.
[laughs] Prankdudez! Okay, I know this isn't ideal, but it's the best we can afford until we make enough money to get our own space.
- With free smoothies? - Why don't you just - make a smoothie, Impresario? - Have you ever tried cleaning a blender? [murmur of agreement] [title music] This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome _ At last, the secret to immortality, the Weeping Angel Stone.
It's not here.
[cracking and rumbling] Oh my God, you took, like, forever.
Why are you so dirty, were you, like, camping? - I am a archaeologist.
- Uh, yeah, we know.
That's why we're here; we followed you.
You're going to give us the Weeping Angel Stone.
I don't have the stone; it wasn't here.
- Now if you'll excuse me - Ugh, are you for real right now? We came all the way through this, like, gross jungle for nothing? We did have those mangoes, those are really good.
- Shut up, Taylor! - Who are you? I'm Mackenzie Hitler.
This is Hailey Himmler and Taylor Goebbels.
And together, we are The Nazi Granddaughters.
- Destiny's Child.
- I told you, that was taken.
We're the Nazi Granddaughters.
And since you don't have the stone, I guess we'll have to, like, kill you.
[sound of blade slicing] [thud] _ - Thank you.
- We love you.
[cheering] - Sounding good, guys.
- Thanks, bro.
That set didn't feel too short, did it? I clocked that last jam at just under seven hours.
Bon appétit.
What do you call this one again? - Pizza.
- Mm, it's great.
- Thank you.
- I don't like mine.
That's a napkin.
Here, try this, it's a taco.
Mm, where did you learn about this kind of food? I'm assuming on my home planet of Earth.
You know, this Earth food is way better than the stuff you can get at all the bug and rock trucks at the festival.
I bet if you went into business, you could make some serious cash.
Okay, how are all of our missions looking? [phone ringing] Awesomes for Hire.
Uh huh, we're on it.
Well, I guess we have a loan to pay off, so we have to take anything we can get.
[cell phone ringing] Prockster, what's going on, man? Oh, hi Perfect Man.
Yeah, uh, we've been really busy.
- Lots of important missions.
- Guys, I solved the pee smell.
Turns out the toilet I've been using is the book return slot.
Yeah, things are pretty crazy here, too.
With your dad running for president, there's lots of campaign staff.
Anyway, you got some mail here.
Great, I'll come by and get it in a couple of hour - Hello, Perfect Man.
- He-hey, hey guys, nice setup.
- Wow, we got a smoothie machine too! - Son of a bitch! - Prankdudez.
- Ah, nice one! Hey, did you guys smash a hole in our wall? - That was already there.
- Got it.
Well, thanks for the mail.
I miss you guys; things aren't the same without you at the Mountain.
- Not as much fun? - Thanks, P-Man.
Look, if you ever need anything, like money, I can teach you how to squeeze coal into diamonds.
It doesn't work when I do it.
Right, I forgot you're weak.
See you guys later.
- Who's that from? - It's from Indiana Johnson.
He's an archaeologist and an adventurer and an old friend of the Awesomes.
"My dear friend Prock How have you been? Ha ha ha, that's good.
I saw on your Tumblr page that you are For Hire.
" See, I told you it wasn't just for porn.
"So listen up, buddy.
My partner's missing, and I fear for his life.
Would you please come to Buenos Aires and I'll explain more.
In the meantime, here's an advance of 50,000 American dollars.
" Wow, that actually sounds like a real mission! Yeah, with 50 grand up front? - Damn! - Woo-hoo! First class to Argentina! Not quite; we need to put the money back into this business.
Come on, Priceline, Papa needs to get somewhere cheap but he doesn't care how many connections it takes.
[music] [dinging] [ship bell clanging] Old friends, ah! Can I just say that you meeting me on such short notice is just totally awesome.
Huh, huh? [laughing] I'd normally handle a case like this on my own, but I'm afraid this dashing young archaeologist isn't so young anymore.
Fishing for a compliment.
You've aged well, Gadget Gal.
My secret is Pilates and a rejuvenation ray.
So an archaeologist what's it like working with dinosaur bones? That's a paleontologist.
I'm an archaeologist.
Ooh, I love archaeology.
What's your favorite mineral? That's a geologist.
Oh, you fix people's gums and then you buy them fancy clothes? That's a periodontist and a personal shopper, respectively; what I do - He's a grave robber.
- Close enough.
So your missing partner, was he looking for - some kind of artifact? - Excellent question, shorty.
You've got the archaeologist's wit.
Yes, in fact he was looking for a very important artifact, the Weeping Angel Stone.
[gasps] You've heard of it? Nah, just practicing for my audition, Gasping Man #3 it'sa local commercial.
Well, legend tells of a jewel in an ancient tomb, the petrified tear of an actual angel.
According to this legend, whoever wields the Weeping Angel Stone can bring the dead back to life.
[gasps] They cancelled my audition! I found this journal in his study.
His last entry says he was headed to a volcano deep in the Selva de Fuego.
- You read his diary? - Ooh, who does he have a crush on? Turns out my wife.
Kind of awkward.
[laughs] Prankdudez! Sorry about your wife.
_ - Ah! - What? - Snacks, I hate snacks! - You're afraid of snacks? Hey guys, look! Nice work, shorty.
You've got the archaeologist's eye.
You forgot this back at the house.
Ah, Vasquez, he's dead! Why, why? It should have been me, because I wouldn't have died.
I'm a better adventurer.
Oh, this is bad! If someone killed him they could have the stone.
Unless Guys, the stone was never here, and I know where to find it, - and when we find it, we can - Bring your partner back to life.
Oh, I was going to say put it in a museum and be famous, but we can do it your way.
Okay, guys, looks like we're going to the Amazon.
Oh, I love their free two-day shipping.
Indiana, we already completed our assignment.
- We found your partner.
- So you're saying you want more money? I'll give you $30,000 and you can take your travel budget out of that.
[music] - Um, guys, I forgot my iPad.
- Ah, peanuts! [tires squealing] [donkey braying] Ms.
Goebbels, I'm guessing your note is more interesting than my class? - Oh, well, I, um - We should probably let everyone know what is so important that it couldn't wait until we were finished.
"Hey guys, it's our lucky break.
That guy we stabbed, his partner is looking for the stone with some superhero help.
They'll for sure get the stone with their powers or whatever, and then we just need to take what's ours.
Also, Mr.
Williams is fat and disgusting.
" [tittering] I hope we find the stone soon because this dude is getting ripe.
Hey, Indiana, you want some Snake? - Well, thank you, don't mind if I do.
- Ah, snacks! [laughing] - Prankdudez.
- Nice! Why does it always have to be snacks? Okay, there's the Tomb of the Weeping Angel Stone.
We just need to get through this maze to get to the entrance.
All right, gang, this is a pretty intense maze.
Going to take some serious thought.
We'll need to summon the best of all of our strengths to navigate Well, that works, too.
You know, these are sacred ruins, right? Guys, guys? Do you have to drag him like that, Muscleman? - Oh, he's dead, he can't feel it.
- Ah, the River of Fire, one of the many mythical trials on the way to the stone.
[music] Oh no, do not tell me you are going skiing.
You're going to wreck both your damn legs.
We're not skiing, Mama.
We're just crossing a lava flow in a booby trapped dungeon temple.
All right, just so long as it's not skiing.
You know that's how we lost Sonny Bono.
[rumbling] [screaming] [grunting] [screaming] The hat! Okay, there are 17 more trials to get through, each one more dangerous than the last.
Yah, there's the stone.
You just punched a hole in a 5000-year-old temple! [music] [whistling sound] [screaming] Ah! [laughing] Prankdudez! [hissing] [screaming] [sputtering] I am alive.
My head feels like it's been banged on a hundred rocks.
_ - Thank you for bringing me back to life.
- No problem, old friend.
After all, you brought me back to life with the Skull of Immortality.
Oh, you know, I was just returning the favor from when you brought me back to life with the Shroud of Eternity.
Look, I read your journal about my wife.
Hey, it only happened the once, - and it was all above the waist.
- Oh, I didn't read that far.
Professor Vasquez, can you remember who killed you? Unfortunately, I do not.
Being brought back to life makes your memory hazy.
But whoever did it might still be out there.
- We need to be careful.
- Don't worry.
The museum is on lockdown, and the only people here are some schoolchildren on a field trip.
- Careful, Taylor, God! - What, he can't feel anything.
Wow, the Awesomes! You're, like, the dopest superheroes of all time, and you have blue eyes.
Well, you know, we do our best.
So you probably know, like, all about the security here, [chuckles] 'cause you're smart and cool.
Oh yeah, totally, they tell me everything.
Shut up.
- It's true! - OMG, prove it.
Well, for instance, like, that stone over there is actually a decoy stone, and the real one won't come out until the presentation.
Interestingly, around that time is when the guards have their shift change, so it won't be watched as closely so rad.
Wow, you are the coolest adult ever.
Did you hear that they totally think I'm cool.
I don't know, I guess I'm finally just comfortable - with who I am and they can sense that.
- They seemed awful.
Ugh, you just don't get us.
In just a few hours time, our granddads will come back to life.
[laughing] What's the sitch, homebrews, what are we laughing about? - Um, YouTube.
- Ah, yeah, YouTube be straight tripping.
Hey, you should check out Prankdudez.
I actually know those guys pretty well, so rad.
I should grab this but I'll catch you guys on the flippy.
- Hello? - Prock, my dude.
- What is the sitch, homebrew? - Nobody talks like that, Perfect Man.
Hey, just saw you on the boob tube.
Maybe a little jealous that you're doing real work while I'm stuck on campaign duty.
Thought I'd give you a little jingle to see if you needed any a-ssis-tance.
Well, we're actually doing fine.
I got to go because I'm about to get an award.
Catch you on the flippy I mean, um, bye.
Perfect Man, got a sec? I have a rally tomorrow.
Which tie do you think looks more presidential? Blue with red stripes or napalm with eagles? And Awesomes for Hire to receive the highest award for What in God's name? [zapping] You don't have anything to do with that, do you? Look, I love those guys, but this "Awesomes for Hire" thing, they're nothing but glorified vigilantes, and that's unacceptable.
If anyone on our team was caught associating with them, it could look very bad for my candidacy.
MUSCLEMAN: I'm proud to celebrate them here today, my friends, our heroes, the Awesomes for Hire.
[applause and cheering] The Weeping Angel Stone is one of the most monumental discoveries in all of history.
Furthermore, putting a really important stone thingy in a museum is every archaeologist's dream.
[laughter] And don't try to steal it because this dome case was specially designed to be unbreakable and so heavy even ten men couldn't lift it.
Hey, can I borrow this case for my Jesus Cheeto? It's a Cheeto I found that looks like Jesus.
- Ah! - Oh, right, Cheetos are a snack.
No, the stone! [music] [roaring] [exclaiming] [screeching] Thank God we got a dinosaur expert with us.
I'm an archaeologist! Oh, right, you're the rock guy.
Hey, what's the deal with sand? [trumpeting] [grunting] I don't get it, why did those girls steal the stone? I know, right, they're good kids.
I guess they just needed to be challenged more.
So rad.
[marching steps] Oh my God.
It's the Baha Men.
Ugh, mein head feels like it's been hit with a million rocks.
I have to help them! But how do you stop a dinosaur? If only I paid more attention in archaeology class.
Hey, Mr.
Awesome, how were the dinosaurs killed? An asteroid.
- Oh hey, Dr.
Malocchio.
- Do we know each other? Of course, I'm Perfect Man.
Everyone knows me, and I totally boned your daughter.
- Daughter? - Yeah, Hotwire, and you're Dr.
Malocchio.
You're a scientist.
You turned evil, took over the world.
Then you died, although I guess you didn't die.
That's weird.
.
.
anyway, I gotta go throw this asteroid at the Earth.
See you, Dr.
M.
[roaring] We meet again, Hitler.
I should have killed you the first time for selling me that terrible painting.
Come on, I was just a student! Take that, dinosaurs! Feels good to save the world.
- I like the future.
- Shut up, Goebbels! Seriously, I think people really like Nazis.
Everyone's always comparing stuff to us on Twitter.
Oh, look, look, look, they're using - our symbol everywhere.
- That's a hashtag.
[grunting] [grunting] For 16 years, I searched for the stone, and now you "heroes" led me right to it.
Hey, take it from a cool, smart guy, uh, me, you girls don't need to do this.
My PopPop, Adolf Hitler, had a dream, and today he will have the chance to finish what he started.
- Are you aware of what his dream was? - I mean, not really.
I'm pretty bad at history, but he's my grandpa.
- I'm sure he has good intentions.
- Actually - What? - Who cares? You guys want to be superheroes, but really, you're just a bunch of super queeros.
- Hey, that's our word.
- Not cool, Taylor.
Um, and our grandpas would never approve - of hate speech.
- Actually Huh, these girls do not seem to get along that well.
Um, have you never been around teenage girls before? - Whoa! - Oh, I've been around plenty of teenage girls that totally came out wrong but I think I have an idea.
Hey Taylor, it was really nice of you to let your friend take all the credit for the plan even though you were the one who actually grabbed the stone.
Excuse me, she took credit? Yeah, Hailey said the only stone you could find is the one you call a brain.
- Hailey, what the hell? - Taylor, chill out.
She's obviously just trying to stall us.
Very smart, Hailey Himmler.
Kenzie was right about you.
You are a clever little slut bag.
- Whoa.
- I know, it just came out of me.
Slut bag? Hailey, calm down, I would never say that.
- Yeah, not to her face.
- Shut up, Taylor! You know I've never even had sex.
That's not what Kenzie told Brad.
You told Brad? [arguing] Frantic, now! [arguing] No! That belongs in a museum.
I thought we were going to sell it to a collector.
Shut up.
- How'd you know about Brad? - There's always a Brad.
[music] [grunts] All right.
Dinosaurs are now extinct.
I hope you learned your lesson.
You're all getting six months detention.
- Aw! - Seriously, detention? They murdered me yeah, let's just give them detention.
That sounds fair, that's how much my life is worth.
Uh, complain much? You're alive now, stop yapping.
- They're all yours, teacher man.
- Why do I have to take them? That was great, guys talk about a real mission.
This is finally going to put us back on the map.
Hey friends, I solved your dinosaur problem.
- What are you talking about, Perfect Man? - Well, I realized what do dinosaurs hate more than anything? Asteroids, so I got an asteroid and sent it flying towards Earth.
[murmur of crowd] This day is full of surprises.
[music] [screaming] If we're going to die, I must confess, it was more than once, and it was very below the waist.
Um, we had sex.
It was pretty great.
[screaming] Mira, es Seòor Awesome! [grunting] - Hurray! - Woo-hoo! [sighs] Well, Mr.
Awesome's approval ratings are higher than ever.
There isn't even anything on here about us.
Wait, wait, wait, oh, here it is.
News of the Weird.
"Awesomes for Hire Solve Library Pee Smell.
" Well, we may not have made the front page, and my dad got all the credit, and we're still sharing office space, but on the bright side, we did manage to sideline the return of the world's greatest villains.
Right, teen girls.
Actually I meant Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler.
Oh, those were the names of the dinosaurs? - The Nazis.
- That was my next guess.
Not to mention we got some great training equipment to practice on.
[growling] [screaming] [laughing] Prankdudez! [laughing] I could get used to working with these guys.
What a great show.
That new steam machine worked great.
The mister, yeah, it was awesome.
Mister, awesome.
It kind of sprayed the people in front, though.
Next time we gotta warn everybody.
About the awesome mister? - Warn everybody - About mister awesome Boned your daughter.
[in slow-mo] Boned your daughter.
Yeah, that makes sense, but first things first, I'm hungry.
Let's get back to this Earth food and then warn everyone about the awesome mister.
Get back to Earth and warn everyone about Mr.
Awesome! [music] - Guys, I have to go.
[coughing] - You okay, Eve? The awesome mister turned Eve ill.
Okay, that's a little too on the nose.
[music] How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance