The Awesomes (2013) s03e04 Episode Script

Awesomes for Hire

Previously on The Awesomes Listen, Malocchio, I'm turning evil.
- Dad? - Welcome home.
[zapping] For the third time today, our city is in crisis, and once again The Awesomes are to blame.
I'll just say what we're all thinking, if Mr.
Awesome is back, there is no way he shouldn't be leading that team.
We've been invited to a banquet honoring Perfect Man for rebuilding France.
Probably better to stay here and watch over things at home, especially with how bumpy the last few weeks have been.
Nonsense; You guys go have fun.
Protests continue outside Awesome Mountain after the team responsible for protecting us spent the week in Paris as the city faced a series of catastrophes.
Robberies, prison breaks, and a surprise earthquake which ruined the city's annual Jenga-Con.
You've never heard so many people say Jenga at the same time.
It was deafening.
Thank God Mr.
Awesome was here or it could have been so much worse, which is why I think it has to be said, put him back in charge.
It's his team, am I right? - Any clues, Benedict? - Oh, I think I see a troll print.
Muscleman, turn it back.
I didn't change the channel, it's just set to record.
I have a season pass to Unicorn Detective.
Awesomes, I don't know what to say.
In one week, you failed to apprehend Villaintine, your own bionic suit went on a rampage, Muscleman unleashed the terror of Cat Lady, and then instead of redoubling your efforts to protect the city, you abandon it to be destroyed - while you gallivanted around Paris.
- I object! I don't know what gallivant means.
It means you were enjoying wine and delicious food.
Oh yeah, we did do that.
You must gallivant in Paris if you ever get the chance.
- It's très bon.
- I didn't care for it.
- Guys.
- Thankfully, Mr.
Awesome didn't let things - get too far out of hand.
- I didn't do anything these kids wouldn't have done if they were here.
That's the point, they weren't here.
And the public isn't happy about it.
[all chanting] Hey-hey, ho-ho, Prock and The Awesomes have to go! Now, Joyce, you can't just cave in to public pressure.
You can't seriously be considering disbanding The Awesomes.
[gasping] I am not.
The Awesomes will remain intact.
But, effective immediately, you will all be replaced by new team members, with Mr.
Awesome replacing Prock as the team leader.
What are you trying to say, Unicorn Detective? - Muscleman! - It's a season pass! [title music] This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome - I can't believe it.
- I know, I thought being on The Awesomes was for life, like the Supreme Court.
Or my Columbia House CD of the Month Club.
- Ooh, Blind Melon.
- It only cost me one penny, plus $8,000 in CDs I didn't want.
I'm so sorry things broke this way, son, but this is only temporary.
Soon public opinion will swing back in your favor and you'll be back in charge.
In the meantime, I'll keep it warm for you.
- Okay, I guess.
- I'm gonna miss this place; or not.
I'm not really in touch with my feelings, but I know I will follow you anywhere, Prock.
Good news, Perfect Man.
I talked to Joyce and she agreed to a special dispensation allowing you to stay - and help me build my new team.
- Touchdown! Now let's start calling some real heroes.
I'm not sure I like Mr.
That's just because you're focusing on his everything.
- Something here does not smell right.
- It might be this.
I think my jar of brassiere wax has turned.
Oh, dear Lord.
[whistling] [chuckling] My plan is coming together perfectly.
With The Awesomes gone, I can finally unleash my full powers and no one will ever suspect a thing.
[laughing] Good news, Joyce, Perfect Man agreed to stick around and I've got calls into some of the other old gang.
We'll have a new and improved Awesomes up and running in no time.
- You won't have to worry about us.
- That's wonderful.
However, there is one thing I have to discuss.
Prock left behind a pretty big mess, and in order to fully do my job I need complete access to all government resources.
I need you to give me Level 1H security clearance.
[laughing] You can't be serious.
Only the President has 1H.
- Joyce, I just wanna do my job.
- There's no way.
In fact, due to the recent events, the Awesomes will face increased oversight going forward.
A department liaison will accompany you on all missions.
You will need to fill out daily logs and you will not be able to unleash your full powers without department approval.
[music] Ow! - You okay? - No, I think I'm in shock.
We were having such a great year, then my dad came back and everything goes wrong.
I mean, earthquakes? And now suddenly we're all out of jobs and leaving Awesome Mountain and my dad doesn't exactly seem broken up by any of it.
Well, I say we turn this into a positive.
Look, we've lived in Awesome Mountain our whole adult lives.
- Who knows what else is out there? - You're right, let's go.
No more comforts of home.
Thanks for letting us stay with you, Mom.
- Of course, Jeremy.
- Who's Jeremy? Aw, Harry, I remember when you and Jeremy would have sleepovers in those bunk beds.
If these walls could talk I bet they'd say, "Why so many fart contests?" So, Jeremy, your father returns - from gallivanting across space.
- There's that word again.
I wish I had listened when they explained it.
And what's the first thing he does? He takes his old job back and replaces his own son.
Mom, it's complicated.
There's nothing complicated about your father.
He thought no one could or should replace him, - and now he's back to prove it.
- It's temporary.
So your father, who thinks he's the center of the universe just because he has the power to redirect the orbit of the Earth and make the world physically revolve around him, throws his son, who worships him, out on his ass, and his son, as always, runs right back to his mother's arms and never stops to think that maybe it's time he grew up, took off his superhero costume, and stopped chasing an empty dream! Agh, this is why I never come home! Oh, right, Impresario is the one with mama issues.
[chuckles] - Not anymore.
- Now who's hungry? I've got takeout menus.
That's a lot of stuff, Gadget Gal.
Hey, Gadget Gal, where do you want the harp without strings and every issue of Reader's Digest from 1954? Hm, how about on this pile? One man's trash is Gadget Gal's treasure.
Everything here can be turned into a weapon.
I find that hard to believe.
[thud] [gasps] Now while you're here, I want you all the read my book and start thinking about how wonderful life will be now that you are abandoning your juvenile fantasy life of so-called superheroics.
I'm gonna make sure we have enough towels.
I don't get it, what does she have against superheroes? A lot, Prock's mom is actually one of the world's foremost anti-superhero activists.
She wrote a best-selling book in the '70s called Super Dummies: Why the World Needs Super Heroes Like a Hole in the Head, and helped to pass the landmark - Superhero Regulation Act of 1972.
- And then, against all odds, she fell for the most famous superhero of all, Mr.
I guess love is blind, like that melon from the CD club.
Not that blind.
They fought constantly and divorced when Prock was just a kid.
Hey, guys, I'm Prock's stepdad, Dr.
Jeffrey Kaplan.
Jazz enthusiast, bridge player, porcelain doll collector, sea kayaker, rhythmic gymnast.
And as a little side project, [chuckles] I'm a therapist.
You're in Columbia House CD Club too? It's always great to meet a fellow alum.
Please, everyone make yourself comfortable.
With 11 people living in a 3-bedroom home, it's gonna be a little tight, but my home is your home.
My office is also your home because I work out of my home.
Hey! I see you met my husband Jeffrey.
He's my partner, my friend, a jazz enthusiast.
- A bridge player.
- Jeffrey, that's enough.
Isn't he so much better than Mr.
Awesome? Ugh, with his muscles and his veins popping out of his neck throbbing with testosterone just waiting to tear my clothes off and have me right there on the floor.
I hate him! Well, I'd better start unpacking, both my suitcase and everything you just said.
[murmuring] I hope you're hungry, I'm making my world famous beef teriyaki.
The secret is in the marinade, which starts simply enough - with a whisper of soy.
- Okay, Jeffrey, enough.
To what do I owe the distinct pleasure of your company this morning, Mr.
Awesome? Senator Turnipseed, I'll be brief.
Superheroes just want to do our job and protect the public, but the government has too many regulations tying us down.
You don't have to tell me, Mr.
Awesome, you've got more eyes on you than a beauty queen taking a creek bath.
That's why I came to you.
It's time to abolish The Department of Superhero Affairs once and for all.
Now why would I stick my neck out for you? Oh, I don't know, years of loyalty and friendship? Doesn't he know that politics is never simple? It's like I always say, politics can be stickier than a possum's paws on Christmas morning.
[chuckles] I think I could help.
[yawning] Ow; Gadget Gal, you've got to get rid of this junk pile.
I think there are actually people trapped inside of it.
- Hey, guys, don't mind me.
- Hi! I brought Reggie in here because he also has a hoarding problem.
See, Reggie, if you get worse, you'll turn into this woman.
Thanks for making us breakfast, Dr.
Eating another mama's eggs.
I guess it's okay.
- There she is, my little boy's lover.
- Oh, I so prefer girlfriend.
Ugh, when did lover become a dirty word? It just means to love.
Who here thought I meant to have sex with when I said lover? Ugh, so be it.
Now I think everything that's happened is a great opportunity for all of you.
With the superhero nonsense behind you, you can focus on starting your real careers.
I took the liberty of going through the want ads.
Travel agent, that sounds like concierge to me.
- Booking dot yeah.
- Tim, are you good at math? Come on, lady, don't embarrass yourself.
Hey, guys, look what I found.
My very first cape.
- I thought I got rid of that.
- Yeah, and I knew you would, so I made a decoy cape and hid this one in the attic.
You're in a good mood for someone who slept in a bunk bed.
I'm in a good mood because this reminded me of something.
That you do not have the shoulders to pull off a cape? No, it reminded me that we don't need fancy headquarters and expensive equipment to be superheroes.
We're not playing superheroes, Mom, because superheroes aren't made, they're born.
We still have our powers and we're still a team, so let's go out there and be superheroes.
Like vigilantes; I thought you hated vigilantes.
I do, but they show up when no one asked for their help.
We'll help people who come to us.
We'll be The Awesomes For Hire.
Or Or use your college education to become a dental assistant.
Huh, mouths? Everyone likes looking into mouths.
- I like mouths.
- That's good, Reggie, you're engaging in conversation.
So, what do you guys say? _ This Awesomes For Hire thing is not as exciting - as I thought it would be.
- Can I have some lemonade? No, for the last time, we are not a lemonade stand.
- But your sign - Just trying to generate some buzz.
Hello, Awesomes For Hire; Hello? Hey, do you know where the margarita mix is? - Perfect Man? - For the margarita machine.
We're having a pool party for the new team.
The Awesomes' pool is for underwater training only.
And wait, is there a new team in place already? Yeah, your dad said he had people on something called "speed dial.
" Old folk talk, right; Nice bunch.
We've got a guy who I think's called Pigeon something.
It's Hot Wings, I've corrected you several times.
There's a ninja person who's super sneaky and I think it watched me sleep last night.
There's a guy who makes ice cubes which are great for margaritas and there's a centaur and a human sphinx and a lady with robot boobs, and they're all in the pool.
- Marco! - Oh, and a guy named Marco.
- I think.
- My dad is not going to be happy when he hears you're having a pool party.
Oh, it was his idea to celebrate the new team.
Cannonball! [splash] - Was that my dad? - Ha-ha, yes it was! Man, for someone who said he was only keepin' it warm for me, he sure seems to be having a lot of fun.
Yeah, it's the best.
So, do you know where that mix is? Because this margarita machine isn't gonna refill itself.
Oh, wait, yes it is! Wow, a self-refilling margarita machine! I've never seen that before.
That is amazing! All right, Procky-doo, gotta go.
I'm glad you're finally getting rid of some stuff, Gadget Gal.
Yeah, I realized I might have a problem.
Can I work for you, Gadget Gal? [fast-paced auctioneering] Going once, going twice, sold! This megaphone sold for $3.
Gadget Gal, no one wants to buy your old junk.
What she's trying to say is your garage sale sign is missing a B.
Uh, excuse me, Gadget Gal, is this the feather duster - that defeated Dr.
Hay Fever in 1978? - The very same.
- I'll give you 1200 for it.
- I'll give you 1400.
- Oh, what the - Son of a Now I want to hear everything about you and Jeremy.
How are things between the sheets? Um, I don't know if I feel comfortable talking about that.
Well, if he's anything like his father, I'm sure you have no complaints in the bedroom or the kitchen, the bathroom, garage, crawl space.
Oh, look at them, playing superhero just like when they were little.
It's just sad.
Look at us, playing superhero just like when we were little.
- It's great.
- Is it great? Did we need Awesome Mountain to matter? Are we irrelevant now? Also, since when does my dad like pool parties? Hey, everyone thought because our parents were superheroes that we had our success handed to us.
This is our chance to prove we can do it without them.
- How are we gonna do that? - We're gonna start small.
Sorry, we don't actually have lemonade.
You're The Awesomes For Hire, right? Yes, as a matter of fact we are.
Do you have a mission for us? - Muscleman.
- We don't know what she's here for.
It could be a super villain.
It could be a natural disaster.
- Now, what is it, kid? - I lost my bike.
[music] We're on the case.
Doesn't it feel good to be superheroes again? Okay, I know, but Muscleman convinced me.
We start small and then, you know, she'll tell her friends, we'll get some word of mouth, and eventually we'll be - doing some real missions.
- Guys, I found Mike.
We're looking for a lost bike.
"Lost bike.
" - Oh.
- Uh, also, my name is Steve.
- Will a Steve work? - Ugh, how do you even find a bike? It could be anywhere.
It's like finding a piece of hay in my needle collection.
My needle collection I just sold for $2800, that is.
What are we doing here? We've saved the world from evil villains like 10 times and now we're putting up flyers next to ads for juggling classes.
No, do you remember what happened the last time - you tried to learn how to juggle? - The cat went in the ceiling fan.
The cat went in the ceiling fan! Fur everywhere.
A broke ass fan, a cat that was stone cold dead.
Hey, everybody needs to calm down.
Tim's right, this is not what we do.
We fight villains.
And villains don't steal little girls' bikes.
Soon the Super Bike will be complete and we can finally take back what's ours.
[maniacal laughing] So this is for my new book, The Mind of the "Hero" , hero is in quotes, mind is italicized.
I am going to show you an inkblot and - you tell me what you see.
- Mm, an inkblot.
A butterfly.
The cat after Muscleman juggled it to death.
- Breakdancing skeleton.
- Alan Moore's The Watchmen.
The pubic hair of Lillian Gish.
Guys, guess what, I've been doing some research and reports of missing bikes have been way up all over the city.
I think that little girl's missing bike could be part of something bigger.
I have a plan.
We leave out a decoy bike with GPS in a central area where we know it'll get stolen, and then when it does we follow the thief.
GPS; Prock, we need to give it up.
We're not on salary anymore and we've already spent way too much money on this mission as it is.
Frantic printed the flyers on résumé paper.
- I just think it looks professional.
- A little girl lost her bike, that's all that happened.
Let's just buy her a new one and call it a day.
I'll pay; in fact, bikes for everyone! Bells, baskets, and banana seats.
Can I recommend a recumbent bicycle? So good for the spine.
It's a real head-turner, you get a lot of comments.
Jeffrey, Jesus.
I know this isn't the level that we're used to, but, guys, we're in the business of helping people.
And business is booming.
[cellphone rings] Hello, Awesomes For Hire.
Is this the Awesomes For Hire? Yes, it is, who's this? Can you help me find my blankie? Hold on, let me just write this down.
"Your blankie.
" I lost my blankie, can you find it? [laughing] Perfect Man, you are hilarious! [sad note] So now we just wait for the bike to get stolen - and see where they take it.
- Hey, guys, it's moving.
[beeping] Superhero deregulation has been moving slowly, but I wasn't worried.
After all, there's more than one way to peel an okra.
See that gentleman over there? He's the Chairman of the Superhero Committee.
All superhero related bills run through him.
But if I can get him a spot on Appropriations, that leaves Congressman Donaldson at Superhero.
Of course, how can Brant go to Appropriations, you might ask, when that spot's already filled Yeah, can you just take care of it and not bother me with the details.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
[beeping] And we have a location.
Who's ready to get back in the superhero game? [cheering] - I love bikes! - Mom, can you take us somewhere? Thanks, Mom, I know you don't approve of this.
I don't, but I support.
Have fun playing! It's not playing, it's a mission.
Should I get orange slices for afterwards? Yes.
- I'm sorry, Mr.
Awesome, I did my best.
- I don't understand.
All the negotiating, the horse-trading, what happened? I told you I would get the committee on board, but the President announced that he would veto our bill.
Some have called him "the second most powerful man in this town.
" I got I gotta ask.
Who do you keep talking to? Nobody; Nobody.
Nobody at all! No-body.
Awesome was turning into a liability.
He knew too much.
[thud] Farewell, Mr.
What is this place? I think Prock was right.
This is something big.
Look, it's the bike! - Jeffrey? - Hey, guys, they, uh, stole my bike while I was riding it.
And these recumbents are really hard to get out of quickly.
Enough! Oh, look, it's The Awesomes, America's favorite unemployed superhero team.
We're not unemployed, we're independent contractors.
What does that even mean? On a tax level, it's far more beneficial.
- We can deduct like everything.
- Who are you? We are the Spokesmen, and we are tired of taking a backseat to drivers.
- That's a confusing metaphor.
- We don't clog the streets with traffic and our bikes don't pollute the Earth, and yet the whole world is designed for the automobile.
Did you know that by switching from a car to a bike you could lower your carbon footprint? - This guy's worse than Jeffrey.
- Hey! Well, now all that's about to change, because we've built the Super Bike.
Super Mike; I didn't know Mike had powers.
Muscleman, what is wrong with your hearing? You know, I think I got water in my ear when we fought Seaman.
- That was two weeks ago.
- To Mexico? Sign me up! Can you please stop interrupting? Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, the Super Bike! A bike so powerful that the energy from a single biker's legs can flatten an entire city block with one turn of the wheel.
And we are going to use it to create the world's largest bike lane.
But that would destroy half the city.
What about the lovely bike path that runs along the river? That's not enough for you people? It actually gets very crowded on the weekends! Spokesmen, let's ride! [action music] [bike bell rings] Let's get 'em! [tires screeching] - Great driving, Mom.
- No one takes my Jeffrey and puts him inside a bicycle.
Commence bike lane construction! Now! Not if your project gets caught up in red tape.
[rumbling] Oh, you're late! [grunting] [laughing] - Perfect Man, what are you doing here? - I came to apologize.
- This isn't a good time! - I was being a jerk again, but this time, this time I remembered that you guys weren't just my teammates, you guys are my family.
Perfect Man, I'm trying to stop this bike.
Oh, why didn't you say so? [shattering] - My bike! - Perfect Man saved the city! [chanting] Perfect Man! Perfect Man! - Great job, Perfect Man.
- Yeah, way to go! This calls for another pool party.
[cheering] - Sorry, Prock.
- Here's your husband.
- Jeffrey, I was so worried about you.
- Oh, I'm okay.
I wish I could say the same for my bike though.
- It's almost - Don't think this makes things okay with us.
You're still a dangerous man-child whose whole life is one long midlife crisis.
And you're still an overbearing know-it-all with ice water running through her veins.
[music changes] Um, cough, cough.
I heard about the veto, by the way.
You'll never succeed in dismantling the regulations I worked so hard to create.
That reminds me, I have an announcement to make.
And that is why I have decided to run for president.
- Well, this is certainly an unexpected - Jeffrey, enough! [music] How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance # Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance