The Awesomes (2013) s03e03 Episode Script

Les Miserawesomes

Previously on The Awesomes: Soon I will turn fully evil and begin the process of destroying all of humanity.
I don't know why we're so off our game today.
And of all days, right when my dad comes back.
Okay, Malocchio, you get back to Earth and stop Mr.
Awesome before it's too late.
- Okay, that can't be good.
- What were you doing in space? Your guess is as good as mine.
Mademoiselle Hunchback, oh, I keep forgetting - that you're still here, my love.
- Of course I'm still here.
Paris was destroyed by the alien invasion.
Right, right, right, right.
We should really rebuild that.
- Man, this place took a beating.
- And all because the Awesomes left open a portal for aliens to wander through.
Why you gotta keep bringing that up? Why not focus on the fact that Perfect Man and I agreed to come over and help get things back to normal? Oh, well you are both equally helpful.
You with the dusting, and him with the rest.
Everything always gotta be a contest with you.
_ - I don't wanna buy no dirty cat! - Impresario! - She's only a girl.
- So you give a girl a cigarette? - Oh relax, it was just a slim.
- Mm, yum, yum, yum.
I ain't got no love for the French.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, well, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome There's nothing you can do now, Dr.
Malocchio.
Your evil is in my blood now.
If you really think about it, all of this is happening because of you.
Daddy, please.
No! Whoa, easy Dr.
M.
Bad dream? A girl.
A girl I think I should know.
Why can't I remember anything? I think you may have taken one too many tabs - of Glorp Dust.
- I didn't take any Glorp Dust.
Uh-oh, dude.
That means Phil must have taken it all! Oh no! No! Do you guys know anything about musicals? Yes, musicals are a combination of acting, singing, and dancing, that tend to diminish the quality of all three disciplines.
People who like them tend to be on the dumb side.
Why do you ask? I might audition for the school play.
It's Les Misérables.
Um, first off it's pronounced "Les Miserables," and second off, it's only the greatest musical of all time! - Of course.
- I was in a production of "Les Miserables" back in my school days.
Oh, did you play Jean Valjean? No, I played the role of "onlooker," who points at a man beneath a fallen cart so that Jean Valjean could lift it off him.
If you give me a moment to get into character, - I will demonstrate.
- Oh, Muscle Man's doing a show, y'all! Red leather, yellow leather, red yellow, yellow leather.
Rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber bagy bubby gumpers.
Okay, you guys ready? - I guess.
- Sure.
Oh, oh, under the cart! # He's under the cart, Mr.
Valjean # You even have to sing that part? Everything is sung in a musical.
It's equal parts inefficient and stupid.
- You said that about me once.
- And? Hey guys, we've been invited to a banquet honoring Perfect Man for rebuilding France.
- Pass! - It's in Paris.
- Let's go! - Great! I'm still out.
I hate those Vichy frog bastards.
Yeah, I think I'm with you, Gadget Gal.
Probably better to stay here and watch over things at home.
Especially with how bumpy the last few weeks have been.
Nonsense, you guys go have fun.
Plus, if you don't show up to something like this, it could lead to an international incident.
That's the last thing you need right now.
But hey, what am I doing? You're in charge here, son.
- Trust your gut.
- Well, I don't want an international incident.
And Paris is the most romantic place on Earth.
- Hm, would be nice to get away.
- Have a romantic evening.
Gas up the jet, the Awesomes are going to Paris! Bonjour! - Whatever you're selling, I ain't buying.
- Bon to the jour! - Thank God you guys are here.
- How's your visit been? Terrible, Mademoiselle Hunchback has been driving me crazy.
- Where is she? - She's in the bathroom.
If she's not driving me crazy, she's in the bathroom, which drives me crazy! Hey team, so glad you guys could make it.
Whoa, cool uniform.
- Very Javert.
- Very what? It's from "Les Miserables," no biggie.
Just the greatest musical ever written.
Perhaps you remember the famous lines, "Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, under the cart, he's under the cart, Mr.
Valjean!" Impresario, didn't you help with the cleanup too? - Where's your ceremony? - They gave me some participant cheese.
I ain't got no love for the French! Anyways, I'll be seated up at the dais, but I pulled a few strings and got you your own table.
It's right back there.
Franç‡ois, looking - Free bread? Mhm.
- So where are we staying, Concierge? I don't know, Frantic booked something before I had the chance.
But you always book the hotels.
Give me a break, he's faster than sound.
I got us a place through this new website called AR B&B.
They rent abandoned bed and breakfasts.
- Abandoned bed and breakfasts? - Now, I know it sounds shady but we got the whole place to ourselves and it's cheap! I can't wait for y'all to see it! - That sounds terr - Red wine? Hm, we'll never know if you were gonna say "terrible" or "terrific.
" - He's fine with water.
- Come on, it's Paris, live a little.
Wine's the only thing worth a damn this country ever gave us.
- That and Jerry Lewis.
- Didn't we give him to them? Yes, but they elevated the work.
I will not have Tim drinking.
Also, I'm not a big fan of French wine.
Could I please have a California Chardonnay with a couple of ice cubes? Chardonnay, wants California Chardonnay.
Madams and monsieurs, tonight we honor a man who has singlehandedly rebuilt our beloved city.
Singlehandedly? Mon to the Dieu! - You didn't save me any bread? - I didn't know that was my job.
I'm sleeping with you, so give me what I want.
Right now I want bread.
Perfect Man, as a token of our appreciation, please accept Le Grand Chapeau de Paris.
A lot of people said I shouldn't help rebuild Paris.
I was told that you were arrogant, uppity, unappreciative.
But you reminded me of someone I loved, me.
To Perfect Man! - To Perfect Man! - Here's to you! That wine was delicious.
Thank you.
Ba-dum Ba-dum Ba-dum, ba-dum Where's that music coming from? - Shh! - And now to try this delicious French bread! Look down, look down There's nothing on your plate Look down, look down You're looking quite irate Bring me the conjurer Impresario You are a thief and now to jail you go - Do you confess? - # I took a loaf of bread # Yes! # Which carries with it a stiff penalty # A public shaming and apology Dude, it's just a loaf of bread - Why is everyone singing but us? - The wine! Mademoiselle Hunchback was in the loo and she was hungry.
I was hungry too but I was saving my bread for soup.
Man, this is France If you want more bread, I'm sure they would give it to you I didn't want more bread I wanted the bread that was given to me - You hear me, punk? - My name's Impresario.
And I am Le Parfait - Huh? - It is my name in French! - "Parfait" means "perfect.
" - It's a dessert.
- # I-M-P-R-E-S-I-O # - Who's Impresio? Take him away! You're not taking my baby to French jail! Concierge, Tim? I know you're confused but don't be because, you see, I have figured it out.
- Someone put a - Mind control agent in the wine.
Oh, don't let me do the ramp and not the jump.
Ba-dum, ba-dum So, everyone thinks they're in a musical? Oh Lord.
My worst nightmare.
There better be a [bleep] intermission.
Our B&B is on this street At least according to my map I hope you know where you are going I'm tired, let me take a look at that You drank the wine, Prock, why aren't you affected? - I'm immune to mind control.
- Have you tried talking to Hotwire? Yeah, she just keeps singing longingly about how this trip isn't as romantic as she hoped.
It's, uh It's a real bummer.
- So what do we do? - Let's get the team checked into the hotel where they're out of harm's way and then the three of us can get to work.
- We're here! - You have got to be joking.
Welcome, Awesomes, to our hotel Need anything, just ring this bell As for your rooms, check out the beds No mattresses, it's pigeons instead Need your laundry pressed or a wake up call Don't feel like a pest I'll handle it all Hey, look! Squatters in the house They can be our friends Y'all can come on back when our vacation ends They seem really nice What a fun surprise Always good to get in with some local guys I don't think those guys are happy Think they're looking for a fight I'm feeling pretty crappy - # Where they gonna sleep tonight? # - Oh, they're fine.
Awesomes in the house Heroes on vacay All right, I'm gonna check in with Hotwire and then track down Impresario.
I need to find him before Perfect Man does.
And you two need to find out who is behind this.
Got it, I will do anything to put a stop to all this singing and dancing.
Except sing or dance.
Here we go, this map should tell us where the French headquarters of the Euro-Awesomes is.
They should have a database of everyone who hates the French.
Isn't that pretty much everyone? No duh, which is why it might be hard to narrow down.
Hey Hotwire, I'm just going to When girls imagine trips to France - head out for a quick - # They think of walks # along the river - look for Impresario.
- # Museums, restaurants, # romantic plans Back soon, thanks for understanding.
Things that my boyfriend can't deliver Somewhere out in this city Impresario's hiding He stole my bread He stole my bread I'll bet it was delicious A crispy crust outside And inside so warm Yes, inside so warm And if you think that you can elude me, my friend, you're wrong And so, you can run and you can scurry, like the mouse from last season Bread theft in France is tantamount to treason How dare you betray Monsieur Le Parfait Just look at my hat Oh no, it got torn somehow I'll get this fixed Then I'm coming for you Or the other way around - Hey, uh, can we get a picture? - No! We don't know who he is, but he knows about fashion And fashion is everything when you are French With some lace and some silk and just a hint of elastic He seems to have a way to make people say "You look freakin' fantastic.
" Could you stop for a minute, you making me dizzy I'm trying to work here and finish this job Well, I have a job to do too I spin over you Deal with it, you blob Stop this fight at once, Lauran Tell me what is going on This is a factory and a circus Impresario, there you are.
Wait a minute, when did you have time to buy a textile factory? How did you find me? There's a huge neon sign on top of the building that says "Impresario.
" But seriously, how long have you owned this place? I saw you like a day ago.
You did not mention owning a factory.
Say, how many people work here? This is like a giant operation.
My prize possession, it got snared I came to have my hat repaired But now I have another purpose My dear friend Impresario I think you know it's time to go You were so wrong to flee And now you'll come with me To be shamed publicly I don't know what the hell is going on right now.
- That was close.
- What? You can't let Lauran suffer just because Perfect Man thinks he's you.
You have to turn yourself in.
Turn myself in But what of everything that I've been working for Is it my responsibility to shirk no more? My fashion show's a day away I'm sure Lauran will be okay Turn myself in and spend who knows how long inside a prison cell What if my cellmate wants to play some kiss and tell? I should stay here where I belong Yet sweet Lauran did nothing wrong But nor did I A mere baguette No other man should pay my debt I'll take his place After the show I'm Impresario Where is everybody? Probably smoking or on strike or some other nonsense.
- Hello? - Bienvenue.
- Who said that? - I did.
- Where are you? - Behind the desk.
We're looking behind the desk.
Hello, I am Luxembourg.
Where is everyone? The Euro-Awesomes take the month of August off to rest and spend time with family.
That's ridiculously predictable.
I'm Concierge and that's Tim.
We're with the Awesomes, the real ones.
The ones who don't take vacations.
What brings you to Paris? We have a friend who was being honored.
Sounds like a vacation to me.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Touché.
Trust me, this has been no vacation.
We're wondering if you could give us a little help.
It's the only kind of help I can give.
Little.
Little help, 'cause I'm small? It's a joke.
Uh how can I help you? We're looking for a database of European villains who have something against the French.
- Grab the phonebook.
- Is that a joke? No, the database is too high for me.
I need the phonebook to reach it.
You think that's him, what's his name? The Belgian Waffler.
For years, he's been threatening to make the French pay for making Belgians the butt of all their jokes.
- Such as? - Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in a Belgian cemetery? - No.
- The rescue teams have found over 260 dead people.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium? - Why? - God couldn't find three wise men.
Have you ever tried Belgian kissing? - Uh, no.
- It's like French kissing but more "phlegmish.
" We get it, and why hasn't this Belgian Waffler - actually done anything? - He's a waffler.
So, what made him act now? Yes, Waffler, the blue is nice.
I'm sure the grey is nice too, I I think either's fine, it's just a duvet cover.
Damn it, it doesn't matter! Sorry I lost my temper, Waffler.
I do appreciate you keeping my team busy in Paris.
Okay, okay, great.
Thanks again, bye now.
Nope, nope, please do not send me paint samples.
I really have no time.
Frantic, wake up What's all the fuss? Those squatters do not care for us They say we're here illegally They want us gone.
What do I care? These frogs can kiss my derrière Those Vichy fools don't make the rules We cannot leave 'til Perfect Man is appeased Impresario cleared, and then sure, we all can leave Don't they know the French are also to blame Perfect Man gets a hat, he naturally goes insane You cannot celebrate a man who is so vain We'll stay until this mess is clear Go back We do not want you here Stay, we have things to do first Go back You people are the worst Oh, it's three o'clock, quitting time.
See you tomorrow, garçons.
Paris, France, is supposed to be romantic But instead, typical Awesomes antics My boyfriend can't see what I am needing I wanna spend some time with him - # but he's too busy leaving # - So, good news, I found Impresario and he's gonna turn himself in.
Listen, Prock I feel like second place I guess I have to sing for you to understand me.
Not at all Oh boy.
Look at my face I love you And when we get back home, we can do something all alone That was pretty good.
- # No Awesomes? # - # No Awesomes # - # You know I'd really like that # - We'll do it.
And be together, one-on-one together, we'll get through it You promise? It's settled We'll do something all alone Whoo! As soon as this is over you have to turn yourself in.
Concierge and Tim are working on finding a cure.
Hopefully we can stall Perfect Man until he metes out - whatever punishment he has in mind for you.
- Sounds good! Impresario, you sneak You're out here walking free The man in jail Not me, obviously Before you take me away, P-Man, give me a chance to see my fans Please, a moment with the press The press can see you in the public square A public shaming in your underwear Wait, that's all you want to do? Let me get this straight, you've been hunting Impresario just to make him take his pants off in public? They will all laugh and I'll laugh too Everyone will laugh, we'll all laugh at you And then I think that we can call it quits Man, you're messed up, but all right I guess I'm down with it Three o'clock, on the square I hope that you will all be there - # to shame I-M-P-P-R-E # - Missed it again, bro.
Are you sure the database said the Waffler is in the Notre Dame Cathedral? Data don't lie.
Can Cannot.
Can - Trying cannot go Hey! - I'm sorry, I just can't.
Isn't the top of Notre Dame Cathedral the home of Mademoiselle Hunchback? - Bonjour! - We're looking for the Belgian Waffler.
Hm, that name doesn't ring a - Hello! - Oh I thought you were with Impresario.
Is anybody really with anybody? - Besides, I want to make him jealous.
- I liking the sex.
Anyway, now I am bored.
I need chocolate.
Close the door on your way out, okay? Bye.
Bye-bye, lady person.
Waffler, did you do something to make everyone sing all the time? Yes, it funny, right? Sing a song, do-de-do! Take that, lazy Frenchums.
Frenchums always make fun of Belgians.
Maybe time for it other way around.
Hello.
Where? The town square? Great, what if we could get French men to wear women's underwear? Ha-ha, that I like, but don't know how you make it true.
Come with us, this musical is a flop and we're closing this bitch down.
Kick back and light a cigarette This man's about to pay his debt For the thoughtless, heinous crime of sneaking off with my baguette I'm sure that everyone agrees we cannot have people like these I will shame him with his pants below his knees Are you seeing what I see? Are those underpants for real? Ladies underwear for men Just imagine how they feel They feel really good If you want some I'll give you a deal Ladies underwear for men It's like being in the buff It's so silky and so soft and it still holds onto your stuff And to honor such a man, there's just one thing for that Impresario shall have this enormous hat Silly Frenchums! - Will you make them stop? - I don't know.
We had a deal! No more singing! Okay, fine.
I stop the singing.
I'm alone and I'm a joke My plan turned on its heels They took my hat from me No one knows how bad that feels So goodbye now, Paris, France Impresario's your guy I will jump down to my death Did you forget that you can fly? Drink this, it lets you stop singing.
That's a relief.
- Uck, that thing was heavy.
- And pretty stinky, these people stink.
- Can we go home now? - I don't know.
- Are we cool? - I don't know about you, - but I'm pretty cool.
- Come on, let's go.
- She slept with the Belgian dude? - Sorry, we had to tell you.
- She said it would make you jealous.
- Well, it worked! - Whatever you wanna do.
- I don't need anything that fancy.
- Maybe just go see a movie? - Great, we will do it tonight.
Uh-oh, we may need a rain check.
How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance