The Batman (2004) s03e07 Episode Script
The Laughing Cats
So someone snatched an endangered black leopard.
Since I bet that cat's worth some serious scratch.
I'd say that narrows our list of suspects considerably to, oh, let me count, one.
This wasn't Catwoman.
Really, this totally purrs Catwoman.
Just because she's a cat burglar, doesn't mean she's a cat thief.
Look at the number of footprints.
This wasn't a solo job.
Hey, you ought to consider doing this for a living.
I also doubt it's a coincidence that the only other leopard of its kind in captivity, arrives in Gotham tomorrow, as part of Amazing Leslie's Animal Extravaganza.
So when do I get to say, told you so? It's okay, pretty kitty, tut-tut, oh.
Now, handsome, this isn't what it looks like.
Oh, let me guess, it involves space aliens and a road trip to Fresno.
Hm, couldn't find a babysitter? Good one.
Where's the other leopard? I didn't steal the other leopard.
But I am going to steal this one.
Since you two missed the show tonight, here's your chance to catch the wrestling gorillas.
Sorry, fellas.
Meow.
Kitty doesn't have time to play, little one.
Oh, not bad.
Just wait until I start trying.
Playtime's over.
Come on, precious.
Hello, kitties.
Joker? Twisted dreams.
Well, looks like we're back to my theory.
Catwoman stole the leopards.
I'm not so sure.
I found a strand of hair.
Okay? It's green.
I never pegged you for a cat person, Joker.
Me? I despise the mangy beasts.
You see, I snatched these kittens for a recent business acquaintance Mr.
Kilgore Steed.
The Kilgore Steed? That creep hunts endangered species on his private island.
Well, in exchange for those leopards Kilgore has promised to deliver me the real cat's meow.
You're lucky I'm tied up.
Bringing us back to the subject.
I've always been told there's more than one way to skin a cat.
A true classic.
Of course, I tweaked the punch line a smidge.
Modern audiences like their humor with a little more bite.
And here I thought curiosity killed a cat.
My heroes.
Help her.
Come on, boys.
The cats.
Come on, we need to go get those cats.
Uh, we? You're off to the pound, Catwoman.
Let's not be hasty, handsome.
Do you know where Joker's headed? Hm, didn't think so.
Well, I do.
And if we don't hunt them down toot sweet, someone else will.
You're not falling for this.
Lead the way.
Catwoman leading the way? Isn't that like calling in Penguin for backup? Land, ho.
Let's collect my booty, boys.
For years, Kilgore Steed's been getting his kicks by hunting the rarest of the rare.
Wild animals belong in the wild.
Not in cages, not wearing silly costumes and especially not being hunted.
You're pretty hardcore about this.
Hm.
Animals are what make me purr.
When you're not hunting jewels.
Always the sourpuss.
I bet he never lets you drive? He barely lets me sidekick.
Knock, knock.
Evening, Joker.
You're supposed to say who's there? You've done well.
Hmm.
Manly décor.
My trophies.
Each and every one imported to my island.
So I could hunt them within my private safari.
Ahhh.
What an amazing maze.
Adds to the thrill of the hunt, it would seem? In you go kitties.
I believe you have something for me? They're gorgeous.
Albino hyenas, the rarest of the rare.
Think they look like their pa? I-I wanna be sure the pups have a good sense of humor.
And how do you determine that? With a joke, of course.
They know funny.
I know your heart was set on a cat hunt.
But would it upset you much if it was a cat and two bats? If they've done anything to those cats, I will scratch their eyes out.
You almost sound like you're going hero on us.
Hey, for the right cause.
You should give it try.
You might actually make a good good guy.
I'd need a sidekick.
And with few costume adjustments you're not too far from being a Catgirl.
Kilgore's compound is supposed to be littered with traps.
Now hold those poses.
That's how I want you to look when you're stuffed and mounted on my wall.
What's your game, Joker? The three of you, of course.
But before we play, there are a few simple ground rules.
Nah, ah, ah, ah.
Rule number one, no gadgets or the pretty kitties take the express train, from endangered to extinct.
No.
My own bat and cat toys.
Why are you doing this? 'Cause my growing boys here need fresh meat, and plenty of it.
Oh, lookie.
A rare, poisonous arachnid wants to join the fun.
Well, the more the merrier.
Off you go, Legs McGee.
Now, on your mark get set run for your lives.
Just a little something to help keep our eyes-es on the prizes.
Moss.
Too slippery to climb.
Oh, boys, dinner is served.
Can't bear to look.
Come on.
Cut it out.
That tickles, ha, ha, ha.
Boys? Sic her.
She's a cat.
What kind of crazy canines are you? Sorry to burst your balloon, Joker, but hyenas are more closely related to cats than dogs.
And by the way, they're laughing at you.
Well, I'm gonna have the last laugh.
Hyah! Time to find the others.
Road map to Catwoman.
Yah! Joker-brand catnip will give you a Cheshire grin.
Not if I can help it.
You busted my boutonniere.
You're lucky that's all.
Shut up.
Ah.
Take this.
Find the cats.
Biometrics, Joker.
What are you, uh, prattling on about, Batsy? It only opens for me.
Then I'll just belt you one.
Mama's here, babies.
Looks like smiley could use some Joker-gas antidote.
Let's get these leopards back to their owners.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Oh, hey.
Sorry, kid, but I've taken a shine to these darlings.
And seriously, if you ever decide to make the switch from sidekick to partner in crime I'll be sure to look you up.
Here kitty, kitty, come on.
Ugh, what are you waiting for? Come on.
You of all people should know, cats don't like water.
Or being caged.
Always the sourpuss.
I can't believe I thought there was some good in her.
I should have warned you about her tricks.
She's a sly one.
I guess, leopards don't change their spots.
You know, it was your instinct not to trust her in the first place.
That mean you'll keep me? You make a better Batgirl than a Catgirl.
Good.
Never was much of a cat person anyway.
Since I bet that cat's worth some serious scratch.
I'd say that narrows our list of suspects considerably to, oh, let me count, one.
This wasn't Catwoman.
Really, this totally purrs Catwoman.
Just because she's a cat burglar, doesn't mean she's a cat thief.
Look at the number of footprints.
This wasn't a solo job.
Hey, you ought to consider doing this for a living.
I also doubt it's a coincidence that the only other leopard of its kind in captivity, arrives in Gotham tomorrow, as part of Amazing Leslie's Animal Extravaganza.
So when do I get to say, told you so? It's okay, pretty kitty, tut-tut, oh.
Now, handsome, this isn't what it looks like.
Oh, let me guess, it involves space aliens and a road trip to Fresno.
Hm, couldn't find a babysitter? Good one.
Where's the other leopard? I didn't steal the other leopard.
But I am going to steal this one.
Since you two missed the show tonight, here's your chance to catch the wrestling gorillas.
Sorry, fellas.
Meow.
Kitty doesn't have time to play, little one.
Oh, not bad.
Just wait until I start trying.
Playtime's over.
Come on, precious.
Hello, kitties.
Joker? Twisted dreams.
Well, looks like we're back to my theory.
Catwoman stole the leopards.
I'm not so sure.
I found a strand of hair.
Okay? It's green.
I never pegged you for a cat person, Joker.
Me? I despise the mangy beasts.
You see, I snatched these kittens for a recent business acquaintance Mr.
Kilgore Steed.
The Kilgore Steed? That creep hunts endangered species on his private island.
Well, in exchange for those leopards Kilgore has promised to deliver me the real cat's meow.
You're lucky I'm tied up.
Bringing us back to the subject.
I've always been told there's more than one way to skin a cat.
A true classic.
Of course, I tweaked the punch line a smidge.
Modern audiences like their humor with a little more bite.
And here I thought curiosity killed a cat.
My heroes.
Help her.
Come on, boys.
The cats.
Come on, we need to go get those cats.
Uh, we? You're off to the pound, Catwoman.
Let's not be hasty, handsome.
Do you know where Joker's headed? Hm, didn't think so.
Well, I do.
And if we don't hunt them down toot sweet, someone else will.
You're not falling for this.
Lead the way.
Catwoman leading the way? Isn't that like calling in Penguin for backup? Land, ho.
Let's collect my booty, boys.
For years, Kilgore Steed's been getting his kicks by hunting the rarest of the rare.
Wild animals belong in the wild.
Not in cages, not wearing silly costumes and especially not being hunted.
You're pretty hardcore about this.
Hm.
Animals are what make me purr.
When you're not hunting jewels.
Always the sourpuss.
I bet he never lets you drive? He barely lets me sidekick.
Knock, knock.
Evening, Joker.
You're supposed to say who's there? You've done well.
Hmm.
Manly décor.
My trophies.
Each and every one imported to my island.
So I could hunt them within my private safari.
Ahhh.
What an amazing maze.
Adds to the thrill of the hunt, it would seem? In you go kitties.
I believe you have something for me? They're gorgeous.
Albino hyenas, the rarest of the rare.
Think they look like their pa? I-I wanna be sure the pups have a good sense of humor.
And how do you determine that? With a joke, of course.
They know funny.
I know your heart was set on a cat hunt.
But would it upset you much if it was a cat and two bats? If they've done anything to those cats, I will scratch their eyes out.
You almost sound like you're going hero on us.
Hey, for the right cause.
You should give it try.
You might actually make a good good guy.
I'd need a sidekick.
And with few costume adjustments you're not too far from being a Catgirl.
Kilgore's compound is supposed to be littered with traps.
Now hold those poses.
That's how I want you to look when you're stuffed and mounted on my wall.
What's your game, Joker? The three of you, of course.
But before we play, there are a few simple ground rules.
Nah, ah, ah, ah.
Rule number one, no gadgets or the pretty kitties take the express train, from endangered to extinct.
No.
My own bat and cat toys.
Why are you doing this? 'Cause my growing boys here need fresh meat, and plenty of it.
Oh, lookie.
A rare, poisonous arachnid wants to join the fun.
Well, the more the merrier.
Off you go, Legs McGee.
Now, on your mark get set run for your lives.
Just a little something to help keep our eyes-es on the prizes.
Moss.
Too slippery to climb.
Oh, boys, dinner is served.
Can't bear to look.
Come on.
Cut it out.
That tickles, ha, ha, ha.
Boys? Sic her.
She's a cat.
What kind of crazy canines are you? Sorry to burst your balloon, Joker, but hyenas are more closely related to cats than dogs.
And by the way, they're laughing at you.
Well, I'm gonna have the last laugh.
Hyah! Time to find the others.
Road map to Catwoman.
Yah! Joker-brand catnip will give you a Cheshire grin.
Not if I can help it.
You busted my boutonniere.
You're lucky that's all.
Shut up.
Ah.
Take this.
Find the cats.
Biometrics, Joker.
What are you, uh, prattling on about, Batsy? It only opens for me.
Then I'll just belt you one.
Mama's here, babies.
Looks like smiley could use some Joker-gas antidote.
Let's get these leopards back to their owners.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Oh, hey.
Sorry, kid, but I've taken a shine to these darlings.
And seriously, if you ever decide to make the switch from sidekick to partner in crime I'll be sure to look you up.
Here kitty, kitty, come on.
Ugh, what are you waiting for? Come on.
You of all people should know, cats don't like water.
Or being caged.
Always the sourpuss.
I can't believe I thought there was some good in her.
I should have warned you about her tricks.
She's a sly one.
I guess, leopards don't change their spots.
You know, it was your instinct not to trust her in the first place.
That mean you'll keep me? You make a better Batgirl than a Catgirl.
Good.
Never was much of a cat person anyway.