The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e01 Episode Script

The Clampetts Strike Oil

This is Beverly Hills.
And here come the Beverly Hillbillies! Well, come on, let's find that house we bought.
House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa! Wait a minute! Hold it! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how this whole thing started.
Jed, you gotta do somethin' about that young'un of yourn.
- How'd that happen? - Fightin' with a bobcat.
- Get hurt? - I reckon so.
It went limpin' off on three legs.
I swear, I don't know what I'm gonna do about that girl.
Well, the first thing to do is to get her into a dress.
She's gettin' too big to be wearin' men's duds.
Looky here.
She's done popped the buttons off of her shirt again.
Well, Elly May carries herself proud, with her shoulders throwed back.
It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.
She's a fully growed-up, rounded-out, female woman.
Time she started actin' like one.
Well, one of these days, some boy'll come along, start courtin' her and They came courtin' when she was 12.
What did she do? She whupped the tar out of 'em.
Well, it ain't fittin' girl runnin' around wild as a cougar, rasslin', fightin' and huntin'.
She oughta be doin' woman's work, helpin' me with the still! Yeah, well, I'll speak to her.
Oh, that reminds me.
Better go down and stomp out the fire under that mash.
Ah, hold on now, Granny.
You ain't gonna stomp out no fire like that, are you? Huh? Oh, course not.
Don't wanna burn my shoes.
Pa? Granny? Somebody open the door! Howdy, Pa! What you got there? A stranger.
Where'd you get him? I beaned him with a rock.
What for? He was skulkin' around down by the slough.
Figured he might be a revenuer.
He ain't no revenuer.
Then can I keep him? Course not! - Well, I caught him.
- That don't matter.
But he won't be no trouble.
I can keep him out in the smokehouse.
Elly May, you can't keep people like they were dogs and cats.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ee! Ow, ooh, that smarts! Who's that? Some feller Elly found nosin' around.
Beaned him with a rock so he'd be easier to tote.
That there fella's from the pee-troleum company.
- What's a pee-troleum? - I don't know.
He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slough.
I said, "Help yourself.
We're glad to get rid of the critters.
" - What'd he say? - Just kinda laughed.
But the laugh's on him.
There ain't no Wildcats down there at that slough.
No, it's too full of oil.
Oh! Oh! What happened? Where am I? This here is the Clampett place.
I'm Jed Clampett, my young'un Elly May and Granny.
Granny says you been doin' some wildcattin'.
Look, there's no need to.
Clampett, that swamp of yours is full of oil.
I coulda told you that.
Well, my company would like to pump it out.
Yeah, I'd like that, too, but just can't afford to have it done.
Oh, no, no, you don't understand.
You see, you wouldn't have to pay for it.
Oh, I don't take favors from strangers.
No, no, no, no, Mr.
Clampett, you see, uh you're a very rich man! How big a rock did you bean him with? No bigger than a hedge apple.
Well, listen, I've got to call my office in Tulsa.
Have you got a telephone? A what? A telephone? Or maybe one of your neighbors has one.
It's, uh, uh Well, down in this country, it's probably a box attached to the wall.
And, uh, uh, you talk into it, and they can hear you in Tulsa.
Maybe you better set down for a spell.
No, I haven't time.
Listen, where's the nearest airfield? Airfield? You know, Granny, that's, uh, one of them there fields sets up in the air.
Oh, never mind.
I'll find it myself.
Listen, now don't you sell that swamp till you hear from me.
I'm flying to Tulsa.
Now he thinks he's got wings.
Mornin', Granny.
Watch them buttons, child.
Granny! Them pigs of yours got into the corn.
Did they drink much? I reckon they did.
This here lil' fella was kickin' blue blazes outta the mule.
That's the trouble with razorbacks They's such a mean drunk! Yeah, this wouldn't happen if you'd stay in the house where you belong! There it is, Mr.
From the tests and surveys, I'd say that's gonna be one of the richest pools since East Texas.
News like this is bound to get out.
Let's go down and get Clampett's name on a deal.
Where's the gun?! Where's the gun?! - Oh, there, there, there.
- What's the matter? You oughta see what just flew over Blueberry Ridge! - What? - The dad blamedest, biggest bird you ever laid eyes on! Probably just a overgrowed chicken hawk.
Chicken hawk nothin'.
That thing could make off with a hog! Hurry up, put that gun together! No room to land near the cabin, Mr.
It's too rocky and hilly.
Then let's get the sling ready to be lowered.
Well, Mr.
Brewster, that might be dangerous.
Hang the danger! We're going to be the first oil company down there if it kills you! Yes, sir.
Me?! Don't worry, if it's safe, I'll follow you! Granny, I see it! There it is! Land a-mercy, look at that! What's it doin', Granny? That thing's only got one claw, but danged if it ain't grabbed up a man! Hurry, Pa! It's my stranger! Where is it? Just flew over the house.
I'll get it on t'other side.
Did you kill it, Granny? No, but made it drop that stranger! Jethro! Stop this thing! Stop it! Granny! Granny! Yes, Jed? Granny, grab a hold of something and hang on.
Cousin Pearl and that overgrowed son of hers is headed right for the cabin in that old truck.
Heaven protect us! Oh, Jethro! Did they hit us, Jed? No, but I think they sure whomped the chicken house.
Oh, Jed, I'm sure sorry about the chicken house, but nobody got hurt.
Jethro, I told you to get rid of them worn-out brakes! I did, Ma.
That's how come we ain't got none.
Get on out and lift the chicken house back on its foundation! - Jed? - Yeah? Jed, Elly May came runnin' over to my place, and she said you sold the swamp to some oil company.
Well, yeah, I guess I did.
What did they pay you for it? Well, they ain't paid me nothin' yet.
That Brewster fella said he'd bring the money later.
Well, how much they gonna pay you? Well, he said that'd depend some on how much oil they could pump up.
Well, he must've mentioned some figure.
- What was it? - Well, now, Pearl, you know that old swamp weren't worth shucks.
Jed Champs“, you got flickered and you're ashamed to admit it.
That's just what I told him.
Granny, how much are they gonna pay him? All right, I'll tell you.
He said around somewhere tween 25 and a hundred.
25 and a hundred! I know it don't sound like much, but Mr.
Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's gonna pay me in some new kinda dollars.
There ain't no new kinda dollars.
Well, they's new to me.
I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in, uh, what'd he call 'em, Granny? Million dollars.
Yeah, that's it.
Million dollars?! Well, he wrote the whole thing out on this piece of paper.
Here, you can see for yourself.
I don't know nothin' about that kinda stuff.
See here now.
Saints in heaven.
Granny, gimme the jug! It's empty, but I'll fetch some.
I'll go, Granny.
Jed, Jed you're a millionaire.
A millionaire! Yeah, that's what that Brewster fella kept callin' me.
I didn't know just how to take it.
He meant you're rich! Me? The richest man in these hills, maybe in the whole state.
Ooh, Jed, you can have anything you want.
Do anything you want, go any place you want! Yeah, that's another thing he kept sayin'.
He said he reckoned I'd be movin' away from here soon.
What do you think, Pearl? You think I oughta move? Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you.
You're eight miles from your nearest neighbor.
You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, bobcats.
You use kerosene lamps for light, you cook on a wood stove summer and winter.
You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, washin' with homemade lye soap, and your bathroom is 50 feet from the house, and you ask should you move! Yeah, I reckon you're right.
Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.
There you are, Jed.
Y-You misunderstood me.
I meant you should move away.
And you know where I'd go if I was you? Where? Californy.
- Californy? - Yes, sir.
Beverly Hills, Californy! Jed, remember the time that your pa took us to Eureky Springs to see the movie picture? Yeah! Well, the actors that make them movie pictures live in Beverly Hills.
- Go on! - Yes.
Well, doggies.
Wouldn't that be somethin'? Livin' in the same neck of the woods with ol' Tom Mix.
It sure would.
And we could come visit you.
You know what else they say about Californy? What? It don't get cold out there.
What don't get cold out there? Nothin' don't get cold out there.
They don't have no snow or no ice.
Can't they bring some in? They don't want it.
That's why it'd be so good for Granny.
Remember last winter when she slipped on the ice and broke her hip? Yeah, poor ol' woman.
She was limpin' for two days.
Well, that couldn't happen in Californy 'cause they don't have no ice.
How come? I don't know how come, but Granny'd sure like it.
And we could visit you.
You know what else they say about Californy? Maybe Jethro'd know how come there's no ice.
He's goin' to school.
We could ask him.
Jethro! - Yaah, Ma? Come on over here.
Speakin' of school, Elly May could get herself a fine education out there in Beverly Hills.
Yeah, Ma? Your rich uncle has got a question he'd like to ask you.
What rich uncle, Ma? Your rich Uncle Jed.
Jethro, how come there's no ice in Californy? Don't look at me.
I didn't take it! - You big, dumb - Well, I didn't, Ma! Oh, get on outta here! Why, you always As I was sayin', Jed, folks claim Californy's got it all beat.
Why, things grow twice as big out there.
Jethro'd be a Whopper, wouldn't he? Say, he could help you move.
He's awful handy at liftin' and totin'.
And he could drive you out in my truck.
I'll tell you what, Pearl.
I'm gonna have to study on this.
And that Brewster fella comes back, I'll ask him what he thinks.
Well, your cousin is right about that, Mr.
Beverly Hills is a choice residential area, and lots of millionaires do settle there.
Folks like me, huh? Well, uh, millionaires.
- And movie stars, too.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Is Tom Mix there? No, I'm afraid Mr.
Mix is dead.
Ah? Oh, yeah.
Oh, what's the matter with me? Remember, Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.
Well, there are plenty other movie stars, and that's where Jed wants to live, ain't it, Jed? I do like the notion of livin' in the hills.
Never could stand flat country.
Clampett, I-I think it only fair that is, well, I think you may have a wrong idea about Beverly Hills.
Is that where you live? No, my home is in Tulsa.
Well, say, maybe you could get us a place there, in your neighborhood.
Clampett, let's not beat around the bush.
You will love Beverly Hills.
Then that's it! Can you steer Jed onto a good place? Well, I can get the bank out there to handle it for him.
He'd like a nice, big place, with plenty of room for his kinfolk to visit him.
Well, I would like a nice, roomy place, if I could afford it.
Oh, Mr.
Clampett, with your money, you can afford the Taj Mahal.
Okay, I'll take it.
Well, no, you see, I was just making a little joke.
Well, uh, go right ahead.
Well, you see, uh, the Taj Mahal is in India.
Brewster, you're a nice fella, but I've heard better jokes.
Is the foreigner stayin' to supper? I'm ashamed to say I ain't asked him.
How about it? Oh, I-I don't think so.
Oh, no trouble.
Whatcha cookin' tonight, Granny? Mustard greens and possum innards.
Mmm-mmm! Did you hear that, Mr.
Brewster? Very clearly.
Wanna change your mind? Uh, not this time.
Well, if you should happen to come back tomorrow, we'll be havin' leftovers.
That's the thing about possum innards They's just as good the second day.
Elly, if ol' Duke sets there with you, there ain't gonna be room for Granny.
Oh, that's all right, Pa.
Granny ain't goin'.
- Who says she ain't? - She says she ain't.
That's right, Uncle Jed.
She's a-settin' on the back porch in her rocker, and she says that's as close to Californy as you're gonna get her.
We'll see about that.
Danged if I ain't got me the muliest womenfolk.
We ain't never gonna get there.
Now, what's all this nonsense about you ain't goin' to Californy? Ain't no nonsense to it.
If the Good Lord had-a wanted me in Californy, he'd-a put me in Californy.
Maybe he's just gettin' around to it.
The Book says he moves in mysterious ways.
Well, if he moves me, I'll go.
But you and Big Jethro ain't a-budgin' me.
Granny, this here Beverly Hills sounds like a kind of place you'd like.
That Brewster fella says they got smogs out there.
What's a smog? Well, me and Jethro figured out that's a small hog.
And you heard what Pearl said.
Ain't got no snow out there.
You could run your still year-round.
Run it the year-round here.
Yeah, but walkin' down through the snow to the still always makes you feel so miserable.
I might feel miserable walkin' down, but the way I feels comin’ back makes up for it.
Dag nabbit, Granny! We been plannin' and talkin' about this trip for days! You never said you wouldn't go! Never said I would, neither.
But that Brewster feller has bought us a house in them Beverly Hills.
He sent our 25 million to the bank out there.
Well, you just chase on out after it.
I'm stayin' right here.
And I ain't a-feared, neither.
Granny, I ain't a-leavin' you here alone.
And I ain't a-budgin' outta this rocker.
II Jethro, what does that sign say? It says, "Beverly Hills.
" You hear that, Granny? We're there! They call them hills? Why, we got moles that can push up higher ridges than that.
Well, leastways it's hills.
We'll be among our kinda folks.
This deposit of $25 million to the account to J.
Clampett Is that J.
? As in Rockefeller.
Elevates us to third position in capital assets, and assures our bank of Come in.
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr.
It's all right, Taylor.
Well, are we all set to give the Clampetts a red carpet reception? Well, I'm afraid Mrs.
Drysdale still isn't too happy, sir.
Yes, I know.
Oh, my wife is very upset that I got the estate next to ours for the Clampetts.
Says I don't even know what kind of people they are.
Do you? I know to the dollar what kind of people they are.
They're my kind of people: loaded! Taylor, have the gardeners got the grounds in order? Yes, sir, but I'm afraid that's another thing - your wife is upset about.
- Oh? Well, you see, your gardeners have been working on their lawn all week.
Why, they've mowed it, trimmed it, fed it, clipped it I don't care if they lather it and shave it! This is the most beautiful mansion in Beverly Hills.
I want every square inch of ground within those walls in apple pie Yes? Oh, hello, Margaret.
No, dear, I'm very bu What? Well, good heavens! Did you call the police? - I'll be right there! - What happened? The Clampett estate is being invaded by a band of outlaws! Invaded? Yes, they're holding the gardeners at gunpoint! It sure is lucky we come along when we did.
That's the truth.
Way they was slippin' through that gate, another five minutes, and that whole durn prison woulda been empty.
Jethro, you sure that's a prison? Yeah, Uncle Jed.
I seen pictures.
Only thing is, how come there ain't no guards on them walls? They probably done 'em in with them knives and things.
They's killers if I ever did see any.
Fine neighborhood we's movin' into.
Ya hear that?! Hot diggity, there's bobcats in these hills! Them's sireens! Somebody's called the law.
I reckon they's gonna be mighty grateful for what we done.
Folks out here has got a strange way of showin' they's grateful.
You've locked up one of the richest men in the country.
Clampett, I don't know how to apologize.
I'm deeply humiliated What have you cutthroats done with J.
Clampett? I'm Jed Clampett, and I'd appreciate it if you'd let go of my Sunday shirt.
You're J.
Clampett, the oil millionaire? Yep.
This here's my nephew Jethro.
Howdy! Quickly, man, unlock this cell! Mr.
Clampett, on behalf of the entire city of Beverly Hills, I extend our deep and humble apologies for this unfortunate and embarrassing incident.
Oh, I'm Milburn Drysdale, president of the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills.
My car is waiting to take you and your family to your new home.
We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter and your beautiful money.
Mother! Wait a minute! Stop this car! Mr.
Drysdale, you tricked us! You just took us out of jail so you could bring us back up here to prison! Head for the hills, everybody! No, wait, come back! It's not a prison, it's your home! No, wait! Mr.
Clampett! Listen to me! Wait! Come back! This has been a Filmways production.

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