The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e03 Episode Script

Meanwhile, Back at the Cabin

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Well, Jethro, what have you got to say about that? I didn't bust it! Honest! He's tellin' the truth, Mr.
It was hangin' in pieces like that when we moved in.
Yes, sir! No, it's supposed to be like that.
It was made that way.
It's been like that for 200 years.
200 years? Say, this house is older than it looks.
Jethro? Oh, I plumb forgot, Granny wants to see you.
All right, Uncle Jed.
Nice boy.
It was his ma My cousin Pearl That gimme the notion to move out here.
Well, I'm most grateful to her.
Oh, but first, I wanted to explain about this priceless crystal chandelier.
It was designed and made for Louis XV, hung in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles.
Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns by the light of that chandelier.
Talleyrand used it, Wellington, Disraeli, Bismarck, Wilson Mr.
Drysdale, we're just plain folk; we don't mind a few things being secondhand.
Gettin' back to my cousin Pearl, she's lookin' after the ol' home-place for me.
You ain't ever seen my family home, have you? No, I haven't, Mr.
It's a dandy.
Yes, those Southern mansions are beautiful.
I suppose it has the large, white pillars.
It did.
But we brang 'em along, put 'em on the beds out here.
No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars.
Oh, I ain't never slept on one of them.
We had everythin' first class back home.
Sure hope Pearl's takin' good care of that place.
Well, hello there.
Oh, why, you're Mr.
Brewster from the oil company that paid Cousin Jed all that money for his swamp! 25 million, to be exact.
You ain't here to back out, are you? Oh, no, no, indeed.
Y-Your cousin's money is safe in the bank in California.
I just thought you'd like to know that I heard from the bank, and your family arrived in Beverly Hills safe and sound.
Oh, that is good news.
My son Jethro drove them out, you know.
Yes, I know he did.
Oh, I have something here from the bank.
I think you'll I think you'll enjoy it.
For me? They told me at your house I'd find you here.
Yes, well, I promised Cousin Jed I'd keep an eye on the old home-place for him.
It's a long trip from my house, but I-I'm glad to do it for Jed.
That's nice of you.
Yeah, well, you know, uh C-Can I help you look for that money? Oh, it isn't money.
It's pictures of the estate that Mr.
Drysdale, the president of the bank, purchased for him in Beverly Hills.
This is now the Jed Clampett estate.
Land to mercy, look at that! Why, it's bigger than the state capitol.
Quite a change from this place, all right.
What in the world is that? Oh, that's the swimming pool.
Swimming pool? Yes, quite ornate.
Oh, my son Jethro is gonna like that.
Granny, when we is done washin', can I go swimmin' here in the cement pond? Course not.
I don't allow nobody splash around in my wash water.
Ain't there no place else you can wash? This cement pond is the only water we got.
Place ain't got a well, it ain't got a creek, ain't even got a rain barrel to catch what comes out of the sky.
Well, when that banker fella seen me unloadin' your wash tub and scrubbing board, he said, "Why, you can throw that away.
We don't use them things here in Beverly Hills.
" Now, you listen here to me, boy.
I don't care how other folks live in Beverly Hills, but us Clampetts is gonna be clean.
Yes, ma'am.
May not have it as nice as we have it back home in the cabin, with a pump right in the house and everything, but we ain't gonna lower our standards.
No, ma'am.
Here, wrench these things out for me.
We got to get this tub back to the kitchen for Elly's bath.
Yep, being clean is a strict rule with your Uncle Jed.
Let me look you over.
Many's the time we been down to our last piece of fatback.
I'd say, "Shall I cook it to eat it, or shall I render it down for soap?" He'd say, "No, render it down for soap, Granny.
“The Lord'“ feed us poor toms, but we got to do our own washin'.
" But Uncle Jed ain't poor now, Granny.
He got $25 million.
How long do you think that's gonna last if we go throwin' it away on store-bought soap? Waste not, want not! Now, here's, uh, here's a view of the entrance hall.
My stars and garters! Why, it's a palace! Whoever woulda thought that my cousin Jed would be livin' in a estate like this? Well, the credit is yours.
You're the one who talked him into moving.
Oh, well, I put the notion in his head, but it was really on account of Elly May he went.
Yes, his daughter will have a wonderful life as a Beverly Hills debutante.
Can't you just see that beautiful girl descending this magnificent stairway? I sure can.
Oh, Elly May, I don't reckon that's the way a young lady comes down the steps in Beverly Hills, is it, Mr.
Drysdale? Oh, not as a rule, no.
Oh, I can come down another way; watch this.
How's that? We“, that's not exact“; when had in mind.
Well, show me.
No, my secretary will show you.
Oh, she's in town doing some shopping for you.
Oh, what's she gettin' me? Now, that's gonna be a surprise, Elly.
But it's some things you been a-needin', and they're gonna be pretty and you're gonna like 'em.
Things I been a-needin'? A set of muskrat traps? No.
A three-blade frog sticker? No.
A ready-made slingshot?! Ah, Elly, you're way off the track.
Now, you wait till Miss Hathaway gets here and you'll see.
Well, I'll be pushing along to the bank.
Now, don't you worry about your daughter, Mr.
When my secretary gets through with her, you'll think she's been to finishing school.
I sure wish my cousin Pearl was out here fixin' Elly up.
She's a whiz at fancy sewin'.
Oh? Is she a dressmaker? That woman can make anything.
Why, she can pick up a handful of straw, and before you know it, she's made a hat.
That's remarkable.
So she's a milliner.
No, she's a Clampett.
She married a Bodine.
I don't recall knowin' the Milliners.
Milliners are women who make hats.
That's Pearl all right, but she's a Clampett.
You talk about makin' hats, Pearl made herself a hat one time was shaped just like a bird's nest.
And in there on the nest was this blue jay a-settin' on her eggs.
Well, sir, they come from everywhere to see that hat, to study it, to see how Pearl made it so's they could copy it.
Boy, there was dozens of them from all around.
Hat designers? No, blue jays.
Never did catch on too good with people.
But for a while there, Pearl couldn't hardly go out of the house without a bunch of blue jays takin' out after her.
Sure wish she was out here.
She'd have Elly slick as a picture in a catalog.
I ought to be out there in Beverly Hills helpin' Cousin Jed.
Well, he certainly has plenty of room for you.
This mansion of his has 32 rooms and 14 baths.
14 bathrooms? Yes.
A sunken marble bathtub? I can just see Elly May a-havin' herself a bubble bath in there.
I tell you, Mr.
Brewster, the more I see of these pictures, the more I want to get out there and help Cousin Jed.
Course, I wouldn't go without being asked.
Well, naturally.
But, uh you know, I-I think you should go.
I been asked.
Well, now, it's not exactly my province.
I mean, I, uh Well, why don't you telephone your cousin and talk to him? Oh, why there ain't a telephone within 40 miles of this place.
Nearest one I guess is, uh, at the International Emporium clean over to Oxford.
Well, I'd be happy to drive you over there.
Oh, I couldn't let you drive me all that way just to use the telephone Busy oil company man like you.
It's 40 miles.
That's no trip at all in this car.
No, I couldn't do it.
Why, folks would see me ridin' in this big shiny car with a tall, good-lookin' city fella.
Why, sure as the world, they'd think that Let's go! Well, uh, what about your horse and buggy? Oh, just untie Bessie; she'll go on home.
Well, uh, Bessie's headed for home all right.
Uh, Mrs.
Bodine, how long has your buggy been hitched there? About an hour, why? Why, a blue jay built her nest on the seat, and she was sitting on her eggs.
Oh, shoot! I wanted to wear that.
Here's Miss Hathaway.
Mon capitaine, je suis de retour.
Ready for Elly May? Gentlemen, aided and abetted by the gossamer garments, exotic lotions, and other feminine appurtenances within these cartons, I am ready to assume the role of Pygmalion and transform that barefoot Galatea into a striking and sophisticated paragon of Beverly Hills L'haute couture.
That's yes the hard way.
Well, duty calls.
I leave you in capable hands.
Good-bye, Mr.
Thank you, sir.
Well, uh, sure is neighborly of you, Miss Hathaway.
You reckon you can handle Elly May? Uncle Jed, Granny says Oh, howdy, Miss Hathaway.
Ah, bonjour, Jethro.
Carry them things in for Miss Hathaway, Jethro.
I think she kinda likes you, boy.
She does? Well, I can't take them into the house.
That's what I come out here to tell you.
Granny says that all the menfolks gotta stay out of the house while Elly May's takin' her bath.
But isn't Elly May bathing in the privacy of her own bedroom suite? Hear what she called you? "Sweet.
" What's the matter with him? Why doesn't he answer? He's just a little shy, I reckon.
Ask him again.
Is Elly May in her bedroom suite? No, she ain't, damn“.
! Never mind, I'll find her myself.
Uncle Jed, I got me a girl! You sure have, boy.
And a city girl, too.
Yahoo! Oh, it's them city girls I worry about.
Jethro's such a good-lookin' boy.
Every girl in the fifth grade was after him.
I hardly think anything serious can develop between boys and girls in the fifth grade.
Oh, I don't know.
So far this year, there's been three couples out of Jethro's class get married.
Married? Fifth graders? Mm-hmm.
Parson's nearly as busy in that school as the teacher.
That's amazing.
I've heard of Uh-oh, wouldn't you know it? There's that snoopy Elverna Bradshaw and her big-mouth daughter settin' on my front porch.
I can just hear the stories that'll start goin' around if they see me in this car here with you.
Yoo-hoo, Elverna! It's me, Pearl! Terrible gossip, that woman.
Always makin' trouble.
She tried to talk Granny out of goin' to Californy.
Huh! She ought to see Granny now Livin' like a queen in that Beverly Hills mansion.
Ah, I should have listened to EN Etna Bradshaw and stayed home.
We had a pump right in the house.
Didn't have to tote water a quarter of a mile.
Oh, you ready to get rinsed off, Elly? Well, not yet, Granny.
Should I wash my hair? No, you better wait till I can catch some rainwater.
That pond water smells like it's got medicine in it.
I wondered why there's no fish in that pond.
Yeah, I reckon that water killed them fish.
Don't you worry, my lye soap will kill anything that killed them fish.
Have you seen What in the world's going on here? Well, there's a bath goin' on, that's what's going on.
Bu“ don't understand.
Well, then somebody ought to explain it to you, city woman.
You see, first you heat some water.
Then you put it in a great big tub like this.
You put some soap in it, and then you get in it and you start to wash, and that's what you call a bath.
But, Granny, you don't have to do this sort of thing in Beverly Hills.
Don't you listen to her, Elly.
Ain't you ever heard that sayin' that cleanness is next to Godliness? But of course John Wesley said that.
Well, I bet he didn't live in Beverly Hills.
Here, Elly, dry yourself off with this nice big bath towel.
That's my girl.
I'll rinse off that ol' lye soap.
Lye soap? Did you say lye soap? That's right.
I make it myself.
But that will ruin this beautiful girl's delicate skin! I been washin' with it for 72 years.
Look at my skin.
Like leather.
Nice, ain't it? Granny, I hope you will forgive my momentary bewilderment at this primitive form of ablution, but please let me explain.
Well, first, explain what you just said.
Well, Elly May has a beautiful big bathtub upstairs.
Upstairs? It was hard enough carryin' the water in here.
I ain't gonna tote no water upstairs.
But you don't have to; there's a big, beautiful Haven't you been upstairs? No.
Jed said that probably belonged to somebody else.
Ain't that right, Elly? Yeah.
Pa said he heard tell that folks sometimes live one family right on top of another.
But that's only in apartment houses.
This entire house belongs to you.
And each one has his own individual bedroom suite.
Come along and let me show you, and also the lovely things I brought from town.
Well, you go ahead; I'll be up directly.
What all did you bring from town? Everything, Elly.
Everything from chapeau to pumps.
Pumps! Praise the Lord! Now I won't have to tote water! Jethro.
Yeah, Uncle Jed? Now that you're gonna be keepin' company with a girl, is there any questions you'd like to ask me? What kind of questions? You know, about girls.
How much you know about girls? They're softer than boys.
Yeah, I reckon, generally speakin'.
And they're shorter and rounder.
And their hair's longer, and it smells sweet when you snuggles up to 'em.
Ooh, so you've been doin' some snugglin', have you? I done more than that.
Well, I reckon you better tell me about it.
Who was she? Prettiest girl in the hills.
Big Mouth Bradshaw.
Elverna's girl? I hear tell she's kind of fast.
Is she ever! Uncle Jed, I was walking past their cabin, and Big Mouth, she calls out the window to me.
She says, "Howdy, Jethro.
" She says, "My ma's just made a big batch of cookies.
Come on in and have some.
" And I says, "Sure your Ma won't mind?" She says, "Ma's gone, and so's Pa.
I'm here all alone.
" Well, Uncle Jed, I was in that house before you could wink an eye.
Can't say that I blame you.
Well, no sooner was I inside than Big Mouth, she puts a music record on the phonograph machine and commences to sashayin' around, a-twistin' and a-turnin'.
Dancin'? Yeah, I reckon so.
Anyway, she says, "Put your arms around me, Jethro, and I'll teach you the two-step.
" What'd you say? I says, "Listen, Big Mouth.
" I says, "Here we are all alone, your ma and your pa gone, and you think that I'm gonna waste my time dancin'?" I says, "Not me, sister.
Bring on them cookies!" What'd she say? Well Jed, you and Jethro can start diggin' the well.
That city woman brought us some pumps.
That's fine, Granny; we'll get right to it.
What'd that Bradshaw girl say when you said, "Bring on them cookies"? Well, she just held up them cookies, like this here, kinda blinked her eyes at me, and said, "Jethro, which do you think would taste sweeter, these here cookies or my lips?" Well, Uncle Jed, right then and there is when I found out she was fast! I grabbed them two cookies and it took me two miles to outrun that gal! Jethro Come one of these days, you and me is gonna have a long talk.
Oh, yes.
He's a lady killer, that boy of mine.
Why, Elverna Bradshaw's daughter chased him all the way home one day.
Sounds like Jethro has a lot of charm and sex appeal.
Oh, he has.
It's, uh, funny how a daughter can take after her father and, uh, a boy can favor his mother.
I, uh, I ought to be out there lookin' after Jethro.
You know, Jed's gonna need him to help garden a place this big.
Most Beverly Hills mansions have regular gardeners, and, of course, a complete sprinkling system.
Sprinkling system? Oh, yes, indeed.
That entire lawn is crisscrossed with underground pipes.
Land to mercy! By thunder, Jethro, there's water all over this property! Ain't too deep, neither.
I know.
Should I commence to diggin'? Well, now, let's get as close to the house as we can.
That way, the pump won't have so far to pull.
Clampett? Jethro? Uh-oh, here comes your sweetheart.
Clampett, I cannot handle that daughter of yours.
What happened? I opened that box of beautiful clothes, turned my back for a moment, and she bolted like a wild colt.
I was a-feared this would happen.
- Where is she? - She's up there.
I'll go right up and talk to her.
Jethro, have you been upstairs yet? No, ma'am.
Then you've got a surprise coming to you.
What is it? Your suite.
So are you.
Elly May! Oh, howdy, Pa.
Elly I'm ashamed of you, runnin' off from Miss Hathaway.
I didn't run away from Miss Hathaway.
What'd you climb up here for? To cut a fork for that new store-bought slingshot she brought me.
Did she bring you a slingshot? Fanciest thing you ever did see! Just a minute; I'll hook it up and you can see for yourself.
Look at that.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
A store-bought, lace-trim, double-barrel slingshot.
Ain't it a doozy? I don't know how good I can aim it, but it'll sure throw a heap of rocks.
Oh, yes, they really need me out there.
Why, I could work wonders for Elly May, with my fancy sewin' and beauty secrets and hair stylin' and everything.
Course, I had to learn all those things, not havin' a husband to support me.
Didn't you say it was 40 miles to the town of Oxford? That's right.
Well, we've already driven 110 miles.
Well, land to mercy, I forgot to tell you the turnoff.
Well, long as we've come this far, maybe we ought to go right on to Californy.
I tell you, Granny, there's so much water here you could shoot a load of buckshot in that ground and bring up a dozen springs.
I'll be right back.
I ain't never missed yet! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode