The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e08 Episode Script

Jethro Goes to School

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Hey, everybody, look what I got! Uncle Jed! Granny! Elly May! We got a letter from Ma! What's Jethro yellin' about? Sounded like he said, "We got a litter from Ma.
" What's all the commotion?! Elly says Jethro says Pearl sent us a litter.
A litter of what? Did you hear what? No, but I betcha it's kittens.
Yeah, probably kittens.
Pearl's always trying to give away kittens.
Oh, there y'all are! Where's the kittens, Jethro? - What kittens? - Didn't your ma send us some kittens? Just a minute.
Just a letter.
Jethro, how could you think that kittens would? Well, come on, sit down.
Let's hear what Pearl's got to say.
"Dear son and kinfolk: "I take pen in hand to say we are all fine back here.
How are you all out there?" - Just fine, Pearl.
- That's right.
"Jethro, I hope you are makin' good marks in school out there.
" Ma thinks I'm goin' to school! "Are you in the fifth grade like you would be here?" By doggies, Jethro.
I clean forgot about puttin' you in school.
We're gonna have to get you started today.
Can I go, too? Well, now, I think Miss Hathaway's got plans to put you in some girls' school.
Can I go, too? Jethro, I just said it was a girls' school.
That's why I wanna go.
I like girls.
I don't.
Well, now, let's get finished with the letter.
After that, we'll take care of school.
"Your sister Jethrine had a narrow escape.
A city dude tried to take advantage of her.
" What does that mean, Pa? That, uh Granny'll explain that to you later.
Tell us more about the city dude, Jethro.
"His name is Jasper He.
" Jasper He? That's a funny name.
Oh, they's a dot in there.
"His name is Jasper.
He wears patent leather shoes and Spats on them.
" Don't sound too neat, does he? "He seen your sister at the cabin when I went there to keep an eye on it for Cousin Jed.
" I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on.
That Mr.
Well, now, Granny, Pearl's a widow woman.
She got a right to look.
I ain't knockin' it.
I got my eyes open myself.
"At first, I thought the city dude worked for Mr.
Brewster, "so I drove back out to the cabin to give him a piece of my mind.
" I could put a bug in that Mr.
Brewster's ear.
- Look out for feathers.
- Feathers? The more Pearl has her eye on a man, the more feathers she sticks in her hat.
That's right.
Three and eight came in flowing 2,000 barrels a day.
And it looks like the new strike's gonna be even better.
Yeah, there's no doubt about it, this is one of the richest pools we've ever hit.
Yep, everything from here is good news.
Uh, well, not everything.
I-I'll call you back.
Bodine, this is a pleasant surprise.
Well, thank you.
Although you might not think it so pleasant - when you hear what I have to say.
- Oh? One of them oil fellas working for you has made advances to my daughter.
Made advances? Well, what would you call bein' picked up and carried off by brute force? Well, I'd call that making advances.
Uh, what's his name? Jasper Depew.
Jasper Depew.
I-I ain't seen him myself, but from what Jethrine tells me, he's a pretty slick article.
- Oh.
- Oh, Mr.
Brewster, you don't know how hard it is for two girls livin' alone like Jethrine and me.
You see, my son Jethro's in Californy with Cousin Jed, Leavin' us no man to protect us.
I'm a widow woman, you know.
I I guess, wherever you have two unattached girls livin' alone, there's bound to be trouble.
Especially when the girls are the kind that men call lookers.
I don't seem to Did you say his name is Depew? Uh, Jasper Depew.
Calls himself Jazzbo.
Oh, Jethrine says he's a flashy dresser and a fancy talker and drives a sporty car.
Regular big city dude.
I guess, uh, Jethrine's kinda like me when it comes to tall, handsome city fellas.
I'm just putty in their hands.
No one by that name working for O.
You mind if I look? Oh, well, no, go right ahead.
I'm bound and determined to find the rascal that trifled with the affections of my sweet, innocent, helpless baby girl.
Ma? Jethrine, I thought I told you to stay in the buggy! I seen Jasper Depew comin'.
- Here? - Yes'm.
Oh, well, thank goodness we got Mr.
Brewster to protect us.
Oh! There he is! "Mr.
Brewster throwed his arms around me and held me in his strong embrace.
" What's a embrace, Pa? Well, that's when folks kinda twine their arms around one another.
You mean like rasslin'? It's sorta like rasslin', except, uh, they ain't mad.
Then it's like rasslin' for fun.
Yeah, I reckon you could say that.
Go on, Jethro.
"Then we heard a knock on the door, and we knowed it was Jasper He.
" Better look for that dot again.
"We knowed it was Jasper.
"He was there to get Jethrine.
Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire.
" What's "flamin' desire," Pa? Uh, Granny'll explain that to you later.
Well, I'll try, but you're sure countin' a heap on my memory.
Read on with your ma's letter there, Jethro.
Yeah, it's gettin' good.
One city fella's got his arms around Aunt Pearl, and another's waif in' at the door to grab Cousin Jethrine'.
! "My only thought was to save my daughter, “so I tore loose from Mr.
Brewster's embrace.
“I saw Jethrine headin' for the door, “so I quick throwed myself betwixt my child and danger.
“But sweet, innocent Jethrine, “not knowin' better, let that rascal in.
“He went right to sweet talkin' in a voice smoother than fresh-churned butter.
“ Hello again, you great big, beautiful lump of sugar.
I brought you somethin' all the way from Eureka Springs.
Genuine orchids growed in a hothouse.
And this lovely young girl must be your sister.
I'm her ma.
- No! - Yeah! Well, for Jethrine's beautiful mother, a little gift of genuine French imported perfume all the way from Paris, France.
! Well, y-you hadn't oughta.
Oh, my goodness! Genuine Paris, France, perfume! Look at that French writin' on there.
That says "Eau D'Amour.
" That means "Oh, love.
" Ain't he a sport, Ma? And for Jethrine's handsome father, a genuine cigarette case Silver.
Thank you, but I am not Jethrine's father.
No, Mr.
Brewster ain't my husband.
He's just a friend.
Well, any friend of Jethrine's beautiful mother is a friend of mine.
This is from Old Mexico and hammered out of solid silver by the Aztecs Indians hundreds of years ago.
That brings up an interesting question.
Why would the Aztecs make cigarette cases when they had no cigarettes? That is an interesting question.
I'll have to ask some of my Aztecs friends about that.
Hey, doll remember "Ain't She Sweet"? Well, I've Hey, what happened to your orchid? Nothin'.
I ate 'em already.
You mean you ate all them expensive orchids? Ma, you should've spoke for one.
They wasn't very fillin'.
Ain't she sweet From her head down to her feet And that's a long way.
But I ask you very confidentially Ain't that baby sweet Mm, ain't she large But she gives me such a charge I ask you very confidentially Ain't that baby large She stretches out In all directions I'm here to shout Lordy, that's perfection Are you with me? Ain't she keen Well, that's the most I've ever seen And I'm here to tell you I'm her ding-dong daddy And she's my queen And she is king size My Jethrine A lotta mama My Jethrine She carries me away.
Jethrine, put him down! "So your sister Jethrine has got herself a steady fella now.
"He says he is goin' to ask for her hand someday.
"I hope he will take the rest of her, too.
"Give my love to all and be a good boy.
"I am goin' out now to mail this letter and get some more feathers for my hat.
" Ha-ha.
"As ever, your lovin' mother.
" - Gee, sure nice to hear from Ma.
- Good letter.
- Yeah, fine.
- Nice letter.
Nice of her.
Jethro, you and me has gotta go right out and find a school and get you to goin'.
Granny, you pack up a nice lunch for Jethro to tote along.
How about a big mess of poke greens and chitlins with some pone and a big pot of sorghum to dip it in? Fine.
Oh, Granny, it don't have to be that fancy.
Some of the other boys here in Beverly Hills might not have it so good; they'll go to complainin' to their folks.
Let 'em complain.
It ain't gonna hurt none to raise their standard a little.
I'll get the truck, Uncle Jed.
Pa, please let me go with Jethro.
I can help him fight if the big kids in the fifth grade goes to pickin' on him.
Now, Elly, I know for sure that Miss Hathaway has got other plans for your schoolin'.
But with Jethro gone, I won't have nobody to play with.
Oh, yes, you will.
I just remembered somethin'.
Drysdale's stepson is comin' home for Thanksgivin'.
And he's gonna be livin' right next door.
And you can play with him.
Drysdale gave me some pictures of him.
Here's some pictures of Sonny.
That's what they call him: Sonny.
He's been goin' to a lot of schools.
He ought to know some real good games to play.
Ain't he somethin'? Yeah, but what? Why, he's a boy.
Sure? Now, Elly, just 'cause he's wearin' There's Jethro.
Now, you keep thinkin' about how much fun you're gonna be havin' with him right next door.
You know, he does kinda favor that movie actor, Rudolph Valentino.
Here's Jethro's lunch.
I didn't have time to fix much, but it'll hold him till he gets home from school.
I got a little surprise in there.
I've been savin' it for a special day, and I reckon this is it.
- What is it, Granny? - Deviled hawk eggs.
Ooh, doggie! Makes me wish I was goin' to school.
School, all right.
"Millicent, Schuyler and Potts.
" I reckon them three is the teachers.
Three teachers.
Must be a awful big school.
I'll say.
Well, let's go in there and get you started.
There you are.
Uh, may I help you? Well, uh, I reckon maybe you can.
Diana, someone has parked a most disreputable-looking vehicle outside my window.
Perhaps it was, uh, these gentlemen.
Oh? Yes? What is it you wish? Well, I'd like to get my nephew started into school.
Here? Yeah, here's all right, if you got room for a desk and his lunch basket.
My dear man, this is a most exclusive private school.
The tuition is quite expensive.
Well beyond your means, I'm sure.
Does that mean it costs a lot of money? That is precisely what it means.
Well, I can pay if it ain't over 25 million.
25 million? Yes, ma'am.
That's all I got.
Dollars? Yes, ma'am.
In cash.
Yes, ma'am.
This is obviously a practical joke perpetrated by one of my envious competitors.
What is your name? Jed Clampett, ma'am.
And this here's, uh And you expect me to believe that you have $25 million? Well, no, not on me, ma'am, but, uh, my neighbor, Mr.
Drysdale, he's keepin' it in his bank for me.
Get me Milburn Drysdale at the Commerce Bank.
You see, it just so happens that Mr.
Drysdale holds the mortgage on this school, so we are very well-acquainted.
I'd like to speak to Now, if you wish to admit that this is a hoax and be on your way, we will forget the entire incident.
Otherwise, you may be liable to some sort of action for invasion of private property and impersonating a millionaire.
Potts, Mr.
Drysdale is coming on the line now.
Thank you.
This is your last chance, Mr.
My next call will be to the police.
Very well.
Drysdale, Millicent Schuyler Potts here.
Come in, come in, come in, come in! Thank you, ma'am.
Diana, tea for these gentlemen.
Crumpet? Oh, no, ma'am, Clampett.
Uh, just tea, Diana.
Use the Spode tea set.
Well, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down! Just the two of us.
Elly May and Granny didn't come.
Yes, well, do make yourselves comfortable.
Drysdale's exact words to me were, uh Well, never mind his exact words.
Apparently, he values your friendship greatly, and Mr.
Drysdale is a very important mortgage uh, man.
Now, then, shall we talk about your youngster who's entering our fifth grade? What is his name? Jethro Bodine.
Bodine, Jethro.
Uh, no, ma'am.
Jethro Bodine.
We always put the last name first.
Now, male, of course.
Uh, yes, ma'am, just got a letter this mornin'.
Date of birth? Uh, December the fourth.
Year? Uh, no, ma'am, back home.
We only been here a few weeks.
Perhaps you should answer the questions.
For our vital statistics.
Now, we need to know the complete birth date, which in turn gives us the exact age.
Now, we have December 4, and judging from the fact that your nephew is entering the fifth grade, I would surmise that the year is, um, '51 or '52.
Am I correct? Oh, Jethro ain't near that old.
Really? And in the fifth grade? Why, that's wonderful.
Oh, perhaps we have a budding genius on our hands.
Entrez! I'll pour.
Oh, Diana, I'd like you to bring me one of our boy's uniforms to show these gentlemen.
A fifth grade size.
No, no, on second thought, you'd better make it third grade.
He's younger than average.
Yes, Mrs.
We require that all of our students wear identical uniforms.
It makes for less friction that way.
Otherwise, the boys of millionaires are apt to be taunted by the really rich.
I'll betcha Jethro will look right good in a uniform.
He can't wait to be a soldier.
Yes, many a young lad is like that.
However, our uniforms do not reflect any militaristic design.
No, rather, we strive for something gay, attractive and smart.
Ah, there you are.
Charming, isn't it? Now, you take this home and have Jethro wear it when he comes to school in the morning.
Wear this?! Afraid Granny'“ have to make considerable changes in this before it'll fit Jethro.
So tiny? Yes, ma'am.
And in the fifth grade? The boy must be a genius.
Well, you may be very sure that we will bring him out.
Wear this, he'll bust out.
Now, then, how do you gentlemen like your tea? Um, we don't know, ma'am.
We ain't tasted it yet.
Oh, you are the fun-loving one, aren't you? Yes, ma'am'.
! Granny, here's Jethro's school clothes.
You want me to help let 'em out? Oh, well, thank you, Elly, but let's see what has to be done.
Maybe they fit him already.
That supposed to be a hat? I reckon so.
What's that? Well, Jethro said it stands for "pots.
" Pots? That's the school he's goin' to pot school.
Hell, he'll be learnin' a good trade.
If there's somethin' folks always needs, it's pots.
Jethro can make you some dandy new ones, once he catches onto it.
Who in the Sam Hill is supposed to wear that? Well, Jethro, I reckon.
Jethro couldn't-a wore that at three! Well, Pa said it'd take some lettin' out.
Lettin' out? There ain't enough seams in the whole world to let that out.
How's it goin', Granny? Are you gettin' my uniform all ready? Jethro Bodine No'm, Granny.
Over to school, it's Bodine Jethro.
Elly May, leave the room.
Ain't you got no shame, runnin' around here in your underpants? Granny, these ain't underpants.
They's swimmin' trunks.
You wrap that towel around you before I cut a switch.
But, Granny, Miss Hathaway says I don't care who says what! I'll be glad when your ma gets out here to take you in hand.
And to make you some school clothes.
These things ain't never gonna fit.
But, Granny, I gotta have these in the mornin'! It's a rule.
All us kids over there has got to wear these.
And that coat, too.
Well, I sure wish your ma was here with her sewing machine.
Pearl's a wiz at makin' clothes.
Now that you're gonna be keepin' company with Jazzbo Depew, you're gonna need some nice clothes.
I like the little fella, Ma.
I'm glad, Jethrine.
But you gotta stop pickin' him up all the time.
He ain't heavy.
That ain't the point.
It don't look fittin' for a girl to run around carryin' a fella.
All right, I won't pick him up anymore.
Till we get married.
Why would you pick him up then? To carry him over the threshold.
You ain't supposed to carry him, he's supposed to carry No, that's ridiculous.
I declare, I don't know how I'm gonna keep you in clothes, the way you're shootin' up.
I start a new outfit, and by the time I get it stitched together, you've outgrowed it.
My new shoes is already too tight for my feet.
Oh, them feet.
If they get any bigger, you're gonna have to go outside to turn around.
My feet ain't as big as Jethro's.
Well, of course not.
He's a boy! Just think.
Your brother Jethro's going to school in Beverly Hills, Californy.
I'm homesick for to see him, Ma.
Me, too, Jethrine.
I'll bet your rich Uncle Jed has Jethro duded up like one of them actors in movie pictures.
I can't understand these Beverly Hills schools.
Wearin' that uniform ain't gonna make you no smarter.
Well, Mrs.
Potts said I had to wear it this mornin'.
And she's the boss teacher.
Dang if Jethro ain't right.
Every time that music plays, somebody comes to the door.
Good morning! Good morning! Surprise! Surprise! Why, good mornin', Mrs.
I decided to come by and drive our diminutive genius to school myself.
Our what? Your nephew, Jethro.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Uh, Jethro, come on down here! You got a ride to school! That's mighty nice of you, ma'am.
Oh, tut-tut-tut.
I'm going to give the boy my personal special attention.
I feel that when one Well, howdy there, Mrs.
Potts! - You come to take me to school? - You bet she is! Now, I want you to be a good boy and make good marks so your ma will be proud of you.
This is your nephew? Yes, ma'am.
You met him yesterday, remember? Course, he does look a mite different in his uniform.
Granny had a time gettin' it to fit, but she done it.
You are in the fifth grade? Oh, yes, ma'am.
Just finished three years in the fourth.
Bu“ can't.
It's impossible.
Oh, that ain't nothin'.
He got through the first grade in only two years.
Under no circumstances can I allow this.
Well, say! Here comes Mr.
Drysdale! I reckon he's comin' to see Jethro off to school.
Uh, well Uh, come along, Jethro.
Hippety-hop! This is the way we go to school Go to school, go to school This is the way we go to school Here's Jethro's lunch.
Oh, Jethro! You forgot your lunch! Now, Jethro, you share your grits and fatback with Mrs.
Potts today! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

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