The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e09 Episode Script

Elly's First Date

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Wanna come for a swim in the cement pond, Granny? Not me, child.
If the Lord had a-wanted me to swim around in water, he'd-a given me fins.
Ah, you sure are gussied up.
Where you goin'? I'm goin' shoppin' for our Thanksgivin' vittles.
I hear your beau's comin' to eat with us.
I ain't got no beau.
Your pa says so.
Drysdale's stepson.
You know, the one they call, uh, Sonny.
Shucks, I ain't never even seen him.
The way your pa tells it, he's comin' to court ya and spark ya.
What does that mean? You don't what, uh, courtin' and sparkin' is? No.
No, I guess you wouldn't at that.
Well, when I get back, you and me better have a little talk.
Have you ever been courted and sparked, Granny? Honey when I was a girl back in Tennessee, I set so many boys' hearts on fire that they took to callin' that neck of the woods the Smoky Mountains.
Well, see ya later.
Daisy, you ol' heartbreaker.
You still got it.
That's the truth.
Who you steppin' out with? Ain't steppin' out with nobody.
I'm goin' to the supermarket.
What's a supermarket? I don't know.
I reckon it's kinda like a general store.
That's where you have to go to buy your vittles out here.
And there's some things I need for that Thanksgivin' spread.
Oh, say, speakin' of Thanksgivin', we can use the big fancy eatin' table.
I just finished notchin' the last pot passer.
Think they'll reach? Well, I don't know.
Let's give 'em a try.
Jethro! Yeah, Granny? You all set to get took to the supermarket? No, not yet.
Fetch me a pot to the fancy eatin' room.
Hmm-mm! That sure is a mighty fine eatin' table.
Jethro's fetchin' a pot.
Granny, got to admit, folks built this table sure knowed what they was doin'.
It is built solid.
It is that.
You could set a half dozen turkey gobblers on there and never sag it a bit.
This just here is a dandy idea, especially if you got young ones at the table.
The plates won't slip off on the floor.
I've sure scrubbed up a mess of pone and sorghum.
Bet nobody ever scrubbed up none from this floor.
There's been plenty spilled on the table though.
- Sorghum? - Somethin' sticky.
I can't get that green tablecloth off there to save me.
It is stuck on, ain't it? I can't imagine anybody to lay a clean tablecloth on a sticky table.
Well, Granny, I reckon all women ain't as spick-and-span as you are when it comes to keepin' house.
Here you are, Granny.
Set it in the middle of the table so we'll see if these pot passers reach.
Yeah, I reckon that'll do the trick, all right.
Jed, maybe you better whittle some sharp points on a few of them, and then we can spear the meat and pass it.
That's a good idea, Granny.
I'll do that.
How do you reckon the folks that lived here before us passed things? Well, they probably had a big family and passed from hand to hand.
Which reminds me, we're havin' five for our Thanksgivin' meal.
Yeah, you already told me.
Company comin'? Extra special company.
Elly's beau! Has Elly got a beau? She sure has.
Drysdale's step-boy, Sonny.
Him and Elly ain't never seen each other yet.
Sonny and his ma just come in from Boston.
But Mr.
Drysdale said his boy'll be just happy to come a-courtin' Elly.
I won't, I won't.
I have never submitted to a blind date before, and I refuse to do it now! Sonny dear, do it just this once for your daddy.
He's not my daddy, he's your husband.
All right, then, do it for step-daddy.
It seems to mean a great deal to him.
Mother, I'm the most popular man on the campuses of three universities Vassar, Wellesley and Smith.
To those girls, I'm an idol they worship.
I can't just date anyone! But, Sonny dear, it might be fun to date someone new, someone young, lovely and charming.
For her, yes.
But how do I know what she'll look like? No.
I can't! I can't, I can't, I can't! It might cause too much of a trauma, Mama.
But your step-daddy says she's very attractive.
And it seems that she's the daughter of his wealthiest depositor, whom he wishes very much to please.
Mother! What kind of a man have you married? He's selling me for a rich man's gold.
It's sordid! Oh, it is sordid! It is sordid! Now, my precious baby, I know it was wrong of me to marry a common bank president, but I wanted you to have everything, and all I could give you was the heritage of a fine old family.
But it takes money, too, darling.
"Money," I hate that word.
Makes the rich the social equal of us.
Oh, no, dear, it could never do that.
I wish you'd read the thesis I wrote on economics last week: "Money, and why it is not important.
" You know, for a boy who's been going to college for 17 years, you haven't learned much.
Milburn, you must not throw it up to Sonny that he keeps going to college.
He's trying to find himself.
Well, take my advice: don't look.
Come on, dear, let Sonny get dressed for his date.
I'll draw him a nice, hot bath.
Try not to drown.
Daddy? Just a moment, Daddy.
You called me Daddy.
You've never done that before.
Don't ever do it again.
I refuse to date a strange girl just to benefit your economic situation.
Well, I've got news for you, Sonny.
My economic situation and your economic situation have a very definite relationship.
Money doesn't interest me.
Who steals my purse steals trash.
Well, you will have a date with Elly May Clampett and you will be nice to her, or I'll cut off every penny of your trash.
Milburn, did I hear you say that it's the Clampett girl you're asking Sonny to date? That's right.
But, my dear, I haven't finished the genealogical check of their family tree.
We don't know that Elly May is socially acceptable for Sonny.
Good heavens.
Now, you listen to me, Sonny.
Jed Clampett is thrilled at the prospect of his daughter having a date with you.
A city boy, educated, refined.
To him, you're a knight in shining armor, a handsome Prince Charming.
He thinks you're the greatest thing that could ever happen to his daughter.
Clampett sounds like a very intelligent man.
Oh, no, dear.
I've heard the most disturbing reports about the Clampetts.
I understand they're no better than peasants! Good heavens, a date with a girl like that is unthinkable! Now, Margaret, I hesitate to assert my authority, but unless I have assurance that my wishes will be carried out, I'm afraid I will have to Mother! Dad! Who is that?! Who is she? Who is what, dear? That divine creature by the pool next door.
That's the Clampett girl, Elly May.
Oh, Dad, you're sensational! Of course I'll date her.
Good boy.
But, Sonny, she's not a blue blood! The color may not be right, Mother, but I sure dig that crazy container.
Ooh! Wow! Granny, you wearin' perfume? Pure vanilla extract.
You rascal.
You're gonna have that storekeeper's head just a-spinnin'.
That's the idea.
Just because I got plenty of money don't mean I have to spend it all.
Howdy, Pa.
Whatcha doin'? Oh, I'm fixin' some turkey stickers for our company meal.
- Oh, say, Elly, uh - Yeah, Pa? Is there anything you don't know about the birds and the bees? No.
How come you to ask? Well, I reckon they's what Sonny Drysdale's been a-studyin' at school.
Either that or he's partial to 'em.
How do you know? Well, when I mentioned to Miss Hathaway that, uh, you was gonna be keepin' company with Sonny Drysdale, she says, uh, "Mr.
Clampett," she says, uh, "You better have a talk with your daughter about the birds and the bees.
" Shucks, I know all about the little critters.
Well, that's what I figured, you bein' raised in the woods and all.
Bu“ didn't hat on to Miss Hathaway.
I know she's just tryin' to be helpful.
Granny says she's gonna have a talk with me about courtin' and sparkin'.
She is? Well, I'm glad of that, Elly.
I was kinda wonderin' who was gonna do that.
Pa, why don't you tell me about courtin' and sparkin'? Well, Elly, that's somethin' that a girl's ma usually tells her about.
I ain't got no ma, so why don't you tell.
We“, Granny'“ do it when she comes back.
Well, what if she don't get back afore Sonny Drysdale comes? Then I won't know how to court and spark him.
Oh, you ain't supposed to court and spark him.
That's what a fella does to a girl.
How? What does he do? Well, he, uh, gets hisself all slicked up, shaves real close, shines his shoes, puts on a stiff collar and a clean shirt, then he goes to callin' on the girl, totin' a nice, big, store-boughten box of candy.
Hot diggity dog! I'm gonna like courtin' and sparkin'! That's only the courtin' part.
I ain't got to the sparkin' yet.
What's that like, Pa? Well, uh, she invites him to come in the parlor and set.
And they usually set on the sofa or somethin', him on one end, her on the other.
Well, then, uh he goes to carefully, little at a time, scoochin' down to where he's within reachin' distance of the girl.
Sonny Drysdale gonna do that to me? He might.
And when he does, that's when a girl has gotta be careful.
Don't you worry, Pa.
If that rascal goes to reachin' for my candy, I'll knock him clean off of that sofa! Oh, Sonny, you sea beast.
You creature from the blue lagoon.
Now, now, my dear, don't you fling yourself overboard, because I'm not worth it.
No, don't.
My dear! My dear! My Oh, well, there were too many girls aboard anyway.
We were beginning to list.
Sonny, are you decent? Not me.
I'm a devil.
Come in! Sonny, you're beautiful! Mother! Girls are beautiful, boys are handsome.
Dashing, debonair.
You're right, I'm beautiful.
Well, I just spoke to Jed Clampett.
He's expecting you to call this afternoon, maybe take Elly May for a drive.
Tomorrow, they're expecting you for Thanksgiving dinner.
Two days? Gee, Step-dad, no girl has ever been exposed to me for two consecutive days.
What? Well, it may be unleashing forces too powerful to control.
Yes, what if the Clampett girl gets serious about Sonny? Well, we'll celebrate with the finest champagne money can buy.
Oh, no! My baby's not ready for marriage! Margaret, he's 35 years old! I am not.
I was a leap year baby.
Now, I've had enough of this nonsense! Now, you climb into that expensive sports car I bought you, and you're calling on that girl, - or so help me, I'll - Milburn, please! Sonny has never been exposed to violence.
Even when he was born, I gave the doctor strict orders that he was not to be spanked.
Well, it's not too late to start.
Now, are you going or aren't I'm going! I am going! Honey, you want me to go along? No, Mother dear.
More meat, Mr.
Sonny? Why, no trouble at all.
There you are.
Whack off as much as you want.
Uncle Jed, we's back from the supermarket! What in tarnation is that? That is what you call a shoppin' cart.
They's a sign down at the supermarket that says "take one," so Granny did.
Yeah, but they's Indian givers.
They wanted me to give it back when we were leavin'.
But she didn't do it, did ya, Granny? You're darn tootin'! Oh, they's sweet as honey when you first come in, but they give you a heap of trouble when you start to leave.
What kinda trouble, Granny? Well, first you stand in a line with a kind of a gate.
And at that gate, there's a woman.
She looks at what you've got, then she starts to push a lot of little knobs, and bells start to ring, and a drawer pops open with a lot of money in it.
Well, doggies! Then she tells you how much money to give her.
She says to me, she says, "That'll be 28.
" And I said, "Now, you make up your mind.
Is it 28 or is it 25?" And she says to me, she says, "That's 28.
" Well, I seen I wasn't gettin' no place with her, so I give her the benefit of the doubt and I plunked down 28 A quarter and three pennies.
I reckon that pleased her.
You'd-a thought so, but not her.
As I started through the gate, she says, "Hold on! Madam, you're short.
" I said, "Maybe so, but I'm big enough to take you on.
" Granny was gettin' right mad.
Well, you'd-a got mad, too, Jed.
And you get after Elly about runnin' around in boys' pants.
You should see those women in that supermarket.
Was wearin' boys' pants, was they? Some of 'em were in their underpants.
- No.
- Yeah.
Naturally, I wanted to get Jethro outta there.
And I did, too.
By dingies, they didn't stop us! Good for you, Granny.
II II You there.
Me? Yes, you.
Does that weird-looking vehicle belong to you? No, sir.
Can you move it? - I reckon so.
- Please do.
It completely spoils the effect of my imported 190.
What should I do with it? Oh, I don't care.
Just get it out of sight, hide it somewhere.
Yes, sir.
Sonny Drysdale to see Miss Clampett.
Oh, come in, come in! What you doin', Jethro? Twin“ to find out how to drive this thing.
What for? Whose is it? Sonny Drysdale's.
He asked me to get it outta sight for him.
Ah, I think he's just tryin' to surprise Elly.
Where'd he say put it? Well, he just said hide it somewheres.
Well, let's accommodate him.
You take the front end, I'll take the back.
We'll put it back in them bushes yonder.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Is he totin' a box of candy, Granny? He sure is, honey, all tied up with ribbon.
Oh, Elly.
Child, you are just beautiful.
Shall I sprinkle some vanilla extract on ya? I reckon.
No, I better not.
Sometimes that drives 'em wild.
Elly, I didn't get to talk to you about courtin' and sparkin'.
Oh, that's all right, Granny.
- Pa told me.
- Oh.
All right, now you follow me.
Don't be nervous.
Here she is, Mr.
Drysdale! Thank you.
You're beautiful, divine.
Never mind me.
Say somethin' nice to her.
Hold it.
Just a moment.
What a vision you are.
What a picture you make.
From your golden hair down to your - Is that for me? - Yes, yes, it is.
Betcha I can guess what it is.
It's somethin' sweet? Exquisitely sweet.
- Somethin' yummy? - The yummiest.
Somethin' all girls like? Ha-ha, you've guessed it.
It's me.
You can sleep with it under your pillow.
You wanna come into the parlor? What are we going to do in there? Talk about the birds and the bees.
Well, scooby-doo! You peasant girls don't beat around the bush.
Miss Clampett, my lips long to taste your lovely hand.
Elly May! Why did you throw him? That rascal was fixin' to bite me! I'll take a broomstick to him! My car! Where is it? I know.
It's hid good, ain't it? Ain't nobody can find where we put it.
You big oaf, I'll destroy you! Oh, oh! Mother! Mother! Who was that? Sonny Drysdale.
Mother! Mumsie! He's a mean critter, Jed! Yeah, Pa, he bites! I did him a favor, and he commenced to hittin' me! I claim us Clampetts have been insulted by the Drysdales.
Let's go feud 'em! Now, now.
Why, we could whup 'em with one hand tied behind us.
We ain't got no cause to whup 'em, Granny.
No cause? Why, just yesterday, I went over there to the Drysdales' to borrow a cup of possum fat, and that butler fella that lives over there, he says to me, "You wouldn't pull my leg would you?" And I said, "Well, one good turn deserves another.
Stick it up here and I'll give it a yank.
" And do you know that he slammed the door right in my face? - Let's go! - Now, hold on, hold on, now.
We're all gonna calm down, go next door, talk to Mr.
We'll straighten this whole thing out.
Come on.
There, there.
Mother's baby is going to be all right.
Was it just a dreadful experience, darling? Dreadful.
Margaret, Sonny, the Clampetts are here.
They followed me! Come in.
Where's Sonny? Here I am.
Well, we've straightened out the misunderstanding, and now these people have something they want to say.
Well, Sonny, I-I reckon this is all my fault.
I'm sorry I wasn't to the door like a proper pa had oughta been.
And I'm sorry I throwed you, Sonny.
And I sure do thank you for that nice picture you gimme.
And I'm sorry you hurt your hand hittin' me, Sonny.
Yeah, and me and Jethro are sorry that we hid your automobile.
We toted it back over and set it down in front of your house.
Well, I can't think of nothin' I'm sorry for, but we sure would be proud to have ya'll come and take Thanksgivin' vittles with us.
Sonny and I wouldn't think Of passing up an invitation like that! We'll be there.
All of us.
Let's say grace.
We sure have got a lot to be thankful for, Lord.
We got good health, good neighbors, good food.
Jethro's goin' to school.
Elly's got a feller.
I guess everything is just about fine, and we sure do thank you.
Well, Jethro, hand out the pot passers and the meat stabbers, and let's get at it.
Dibbies on drumsticks! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

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