The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e30 Episode Script

Duke Becomes a Father

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Trust him not, dear gentle lady Though his voice be a-low and sweet Listen to the gypsy's warning Gentle lady, trust him not Gentle lady, trust him not Gentle lady, trust him not.
Excuse me, Granny, I'm going to the store.
Is there anything you need? I'll check my supplies, whilst you string these beans.
That's women's work.
What'd you say? I said, stringin' beans is women's work.
It's anybody's work I tells them to do it.
Well, I ain't gonna do it.
Jethro, that's the first time you've ever talked back to Granny, and it's the last.
Now, you go out and cut me a hickory switch and meet me in the woodshed.
We ain't got no hickory tree.
No woodshed, neither.
That's the truth, ain't it.
Hey now, what'd you want to go and do that for? Ow! Now, do you want to string beans, or do you want to stand up for your meals for the next few days? I want to string beans.
Hop to it.
Let's see what I got here.
One deviled hawk eggs, two pickled pawpaws.
Three hominy grits, one salted-down hog jowls.
One sack of salt, one sack of sugar, and one sack of dried beans.
One skunk.
One skunk.
Jethro! There's alive skunk in that cabinet.
You go get him out! I'm sorry, Granny, I'm gonna have to talk back to you again.
Here, Charlie.
Elly May.
Is Charlie a critter about this size with a white streak down his back? Yeah, Granny, you seen him? He's in that cabinet over there.
Now you go over there and get him out.
Come on, Charlie.
He likes to crawl in dark places and snooze.
Elly May, I never said nothin' when you drug home 14 dogs, three cats, a rooster, and a duck.
And a baby lion, and a brace of goats.
But by dingies, I ain't gonna hold still for skunks.
Granny, you scarin' him.
What do you suppose he done to me? I've looked at many a sack of beans, but it's the first one that ever looked back at me.
I'm sorry, Granny, but I got him to help old Duke.
How's he gonna do that? Well, Pa says old Duke was a-losin' his smeller.
He can't trail nothin' no more.
So I figured if he could sniff any trail, it'd be Charlie's.
Yeah, your Pa's been quite worried here lately about old Duke's nose goin' bad on him.
Smell that, Duke.
Nice, big fat rabbit.
Come on, trail it.
Trail it, boy.
Come on.
Well, I think I know what you're gonna like.
Big, sassy fox.
Get him, boy.
Come on.
Come on, get it.
Come on, boy.
Get up.
Come on, he's hiding in a hollow log, there.
Sniff him out, boy, sniff him out.
Come on, sniff him out.
This'll get at you.
A raccoon, they're your favorite.
Come on, get him, boy.
Now come on, get him.
Get him.
Trail him.
Get him, boy, get that old raccoon, come on.
Come on.
He's kickin' dirt in your face.
You ain't gonna stand for that, are you? Sure is a pitiful thing, Duke.
Have a nose that big, not have it workin'.
Pa? Pa, is old Duke any better? Elly, honey, there's a dog used to be able to trail a butterfly through a swamp after a rain.
Now he couldn't smell cabbage cookin'.
I got something here I'll bet you he can smell.
He won't do nothing, Pa.
He likes me.
Yeah, well, how's he feel about me? Charlie, this here's my Pa.
Now you be nice to him.
And this here is old Duke.
You let him get a good whiff, and then he's gonna trail you.
Now Charlie, it's all in fun, no hard feelings.
Maybe he caught your cold, Pa, and got his nose stopped up.
Either that or he just don't give a hoot.
He looks worried.
Elly May, all hounds look worried.
But I have noticed him lookin' over at the Drysdale place every now and then, kind of whimpering.
I'll bet you he misses Cotton Patch.
Who? The white poodle Mrs.
Drysdale brought over from France to marry up with her poodle.
Oh, yeah.
She's in the hospital.
Been there a couple of weeks or so.
Reckon that's why Duke's a-pinin'.
Duke, you just have to get her off your mind.
She belongs to somebody else.
Aww, Duke, don't cry.
Jed, Uncle Jed? Look what was in the mail box for you.
Come all the way from Paris, France.
For me? Says right on it, Mon-sewer J.
Hey, I'll bet you that's from that pretty French lady.
The one that brought Cotton Patch over.
Yeah, the one you was courtin' and sparkin'.
What are you talking about, courtin' and sparkin'? Well, you shaved for her, and in the middle of the day.
You flickered down your hair with smellum.
You shined your shoes and it weren't even Sunday.
You put on your swallow-tail coat and your courtin' derby.
And then you went right on over to Ain't you two young'uns got some chores to do or something? No, Pa.
Hey, why don't you open that up and see what that pretty French lady sent you? Probably ain't from her at all, probably just some catalogue.
From Paris, France? Elly, why don't you go out and help Granny and take Charlie back where you found him.
Jethro, you take Duke for a run through the hills.
Do you both good.
Where you going, Uncle Jed? Just take care of Duke, I'll take care of me.
II Come on, Duke.
Uncle Jed wants me to take you for a run.
Look, you can't run lest you get to your feet.
Well, come on, Duke, try to get both ends up at once.
Run me over to Mr.
Drysdale's bank.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
I can run you a heap easier than I can run old Duke.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I mean run me down in the truck.
Oh, all right, I'll go fetch it.
One of these days, I got to have a long talk with that boy.
Oh, Chief, you told me to warn you if your wife came in.
She's here? The doorman just called.
Oh well, tell her I've gone to Las Vegas to get some money.
Ah, Margaret.
Claude has something to tell you.
Oh, well, write me a letter, Claude, I'm very busy right now.
Do you know what day this is? Black Wednesday? It's homecoming day for your grandchildren.
My what? I talked to the doctor at the hospital, and he said Claude's wife and babies can come home today.
Isn't it exciting? Aren't you thrilled? Beyond description.
Claude is the father of quintuplets.
Aren't you proud of him, Milburn? Margaret, it is not unusual for a dog litter to number 12 or even more.
Why must you always belittle Claude.
You know how sensitive he is.
Oh, I'm sorry, Claude.
Good show, congratulations.
Now, I've got a lot of work to do, Margaret.
You certainly have.
We want you to help pick five baby names.
Three boys and two girls.
We want your suggestions.
Well, my first suggestion is for you to go home and do it.
I've got a bank to run.
Bank, bank, bank, that's all your daddums talks about.
Now, of course the first boy should be Claude, Jr.
And the first girl should be Claudette.
Claude wanted to name one of the boys after his daddums, but Milburn just doesn't sound French.
Now, let's all sit down and we can go over my list of names.
Claude, you can lie down.
Poor darling.
He's a nervous wreck.
He's chewed his nails right down to the paw.
Well, I'm going to be doing a little nail-chewing myself before all this is over.
Isn't it exciting? Oh, Mr.
Clampett, how nice to see you.
I'll tell Mr.
Drysdale you're here.
Oh no, no, please, it's you I've come to see.
I'? Yes, ma'am.
You see, this come for me in the mail.
I think it's wrote in French.
Would you, uh? Translate? Oh, I'd be happy to.
Sit down.
Oh, Mademoiselle Denise.
She said she was gonna send me a picture.
Such a beautiful woman.
So sweet and so charming.
Funny thing about her, I couldn't understand a word she was sayin', but I sure did likes the way she was sayin' them.
Shall I read the letter to you? Yes, ma'am, but not too loud.
"Chére Monsieur Clampett.
"Dear Mr.
"Here is the photograph I promised.
"I shall be coming to Beverly Hills again very soon now, and I hope that I may take one of you back to Paris with me.
" Wonder which one of us she gonna take? It'd be a treat for Granny.
No, Mr.
Clampett, she means a photograph of you.
Oh, I don't think I got none.
Leave that to me, it's easily arranged.
I'll read on.
Drysdale has cabled me that Colette is expecting, "and has invited me to come "and take my pick of the litter of puppies.
"I am looking forward to seeing you then.
"Sincere best wishes, your friend, Mademoiselle Denise Bouchard.
" Hmmm, doggies.
Sure is handy to understand that foreign writing and talking.
Reckon you could learn me? Ooh, well, yes in time.
Today? I could give you a lesson at noon.
How long would it take? Oh, an hour.
Hour? That ain't bad.
Well, I'll tell Mr.
Drysdale and be right over.
Thank you.
Come in.
Sure is gonna be nice talkin' foreign with you.
How do you do? It is good to see you again.
Thank you, I am fine.
How do you do? It is good to see you again.
Thank you, I am fine.
Who you talkin' to? Oh, bonjour, Madame.
Que! plaisir de vous voir.
Merci beaucoup, je vais bien.
Oh, you're that foreign-speakin' lady that Jed got all frizzled up over.
Come on in.
Well, sure nice to see you again.
Ah, oui.
How do you do? It is Just fine, thanks.
How're you How do you do? It is Just fine, thank you! How are you?! How do you do? I don't know whether you don't hear me or you don't believe me.
Granny, do you want me to Oh, howdy, ma'am.
Nice to see you again, how are ya? How do you do? Oh, just as frisky as a flea on a fat dog.
Thank you.
Don't do no good to tell her.
She'll only ask you again.
How do you do, it uh See what I mean? Kind of rattled.
Better take her out to the kitchen and give her some coffee.
Ah, coffee! Bon! Well, I reckon she could scare you up a bone.
But wouldn't you rather have a donut? How do you do? Get that coffee, quick.
Thank you, Jethro.
Oh, Uncle Jed, can I see what you got from Paris? Oh, I reckon not, Jethro.
Besides, it's wrote in French.
Can you read French? Who? That beautiful foreign lady that you was so sweet on.
From Paris.
She here already? In the kitchen, having coffee.
Doggone, another hour and I'd have had my French lesson.
Where you goin'? Goin' up to wash my hands.
Howdy, Granny.
Jethro, finish my sweepin'.
I got to go some place.
No, ma'am, Granny.
What? Sweepin' is women's work.
You go cut me a hickory switch and you wait for me Granny, I told you before, there ain't no hickory switches, nor woodsheds in Beverly Hills.
No wonder they have to have policemen to watch the young'uns.
I ain't gonna bite on that one again.
I'm too smart.
Is that a fact? Yes, ma'am, Granny.
Uncle Jed says it's 'cause I go to school.
Oh, you're much too smart for a poor old woman that ain't had no schoolin' or nothin'.
That'll be the day when you can outsmart your old Granny! Hey, Uncle Jed.
You done shaved again in the middle of the day.
Hey, Elly May, Granny, come and see Uncle Jed If your brain was as big as your mouth, you'd be teaching school instead of going to it.
Pa, you done flickered your hair down again.
And put smellum on it, too.
And shined your shoes.
You better be quietin' down, Elly, or you're going to get a mouthful of hat.
Monsieur Clampett.
Oh, howdy there, Miss Denise.
You look as pretty as a bag full of striped candy.
Just my luck.
Another hour and I'd have been able to understand every word she said.
Margaret, this was my den, and you said I could have it back.
All right, dear.
If you'd rather I add a new wing to the house.
Oh, never mind, I'll keep on using the basement.
Milburn, isn't it cunning? Where are the puppies? They're with their mumsy-wumsy.
I'm surprised you didn't hire a baby nurse.
Oh, I must speak to the poodle pediatrician about that.
Oh, Milburn, this is going to be the most thrilling moment.
Our first look at our first grandchildren.
Will you please stop calling them that? They are dogs.
Now let's have our look so I can get back to the bank.
Oh, but wait, dear, don't forget your mask.
Mask? Oh, for heaven's sake.
! It's that hillbilly beast.
You mongrel.
Margaret, something tells me you closed that window a couple of months too late.
What do you mean? Oh, Milburn! How are we going to break this to Claude? He's already in analysis.
! Now, try again, Mr.
"Bon-jour, mon a-mi.
" Once more.
"Bon-jour, mon a-mi.
" Good.
Now what does that mean? Uh Open a window? No, that is “ouvrez la fenétre.
“ Uh, the pen of my aunt? No, that is "la plume de ma tante.
" "Bonjour, mon ami" is "Good day, my friend.
" Oh, that's right.
How long have we been at this French lesson? Oh, about 55 minutes.
You say it takes a hour? That's right.
Well, them last five minutes must be duzies.
Now let's take "Je t'aime.
" “Je t'aime.
“ Good, now what does that mean? Oh, let's see now pencil box? Mr.
Clampett, "I love you"! Well, thank you, ma'am, but since we only got five minutes left, maybe we'd better stick to business.
I think that will be enough for today.
Where is Mademoiselle Denise? Oh, Elly May took her down to the cement pond to meet her critters.
Bonjour, mon ami.
Excellent, excellent! Howdy, you furry little varmint.
Well, if that's French, we been talkin' it for years.
I rather imagine she learned that from listening to Elly May.
Jed! Jed.
Drysdale's here, and she's squawkin' like a two-pound chicken laying a three-pound egg.
There you are, Mademoiselle Denise.
You may take this wanton hussy back to the streets of Paris, where she belongs.
Je ne comprends pas.
"Why, Mrs.
Drysdale?" Milburn, show them why.
Oh, quellr bébés précieux! Monsieur Duke, je pense que vous étes le papa! Duke, there sure enough is a family resemblance.
He's as guilty as sin.
Claude will be over later to demand satisfaction and to wreak vengeance on this mongrel.
If that means he's gonna tangle with Duke here, I wouldn't recommend it.
I seen this old hound dog hold his own with a bobcat.
And as for calling him a mongrel, the bloodhound happens to have much more ancient lineage than the French poodle.
Milburn, are you going to tolerate this insult? Why not? I'm not a French poodle.
Drysdale, does all this talkin' mean we can keep these here puppies? And this shameless canine coquette.
Come, Milburn.
It's time for Claude's tranquilizer.
Well, is everybody stayin' for supper? Well, Granny, I kind of figured that Miss Denise being so far from home and all, that she might want to eat supper out at one of them French eatin' places.
Well, good, if that's what she wants, let her go.
How many of us does that leave? Well, you don't understand, I'd be going with her.
My cooking ain't good enough for you, huh? Granny, it ain't that, it's just, I'd like to spend a little time with her alone.
Oh? Why didn't you say so? Miss Hathaway, would you please ask Miss Denise if she'd allow me to take her out for vittles? Certainly.
Monsieur Clampett voudrait vous inviter é diner.
Enchantée, Monsieur.
Something tells me that meant yes.
Well, we're ready.
"We"? Yes, you'll need an interpreter.
Well, I, uh Mr.
Clampett, if you're thinking "three's a crowd," you're right, but I've taken care of that.
Jethro! Attendez.
Hey, Uncle Jed, Miss Jane says we's gonna double date.
Well, that wasn't exactly the way I planned.
Clampett, I told Jethro that if you went out tonight, it would be a double date.
Well, in that case, I can't let you break your promise, a double date it'll be.
Well, ma'am, we didn't talk much, but I can't remember When We had a better time.
How'd you like it? Well, doggies.
How about you two in the back seat? You enjoy the double date? Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

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