The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e31 Episode Script

The Clampetts Entertain

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Jesse had a Wife To mourn all her life The children they was brave 'Twas a dirty little coward that shot Mr.
Howard And they laid Jesse James in his grave 'Twas a Saturday night Pa? Jethro and me is awful worried about Granny.
What's she doin'? Nothing.
Just sittin' in the kitchen, rockin' and a-starin' at the walls.
She won't talk to nobody, nor say howdy, or Yeah, I noticed Granny kind of droopin' this morning.
I reckon she misses Pearl.
But them two was always scrappin'.
I reckon that's what she misses.
You know, Granny's a lot like that banty of yours, Elly.
She loves a scrap.
That's the truth.
Used to pleasure her considerable to throw Aunt Pearl out of her kitchen.
Yeah, Granny don't want no one cookin' in there except her.
Jethro? I think you just come up with a idea.
I did? What is it? Elly will go out there and act like she's goin' to fix up a mess of vittles.
That'll get Granny's hackles up.
You take care of Earl for me, Jethro.
Now, Elly May, I know it's agin your nature, and I know how much you love your Granny, but for her own sake, I want you to try to be real spiteful.
Try to get her riled up.
I'll do it, Pa.
Hey, Uncle Jed, can I go, too? After all, it was my idea.
Wasn't it? Yeah, Jethro, and take that banty along with ya.
There ain't nothin' that riles Granny more than chickens in the kitchen.
Well, I'm gonna cook up a mess of vittles.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get out every pot and pan in this here kitchen, and I'm gonna whomp up the doggonedest meal anybody ever tasted.
Hi, Elly, what you fixin' on doin'? I'm gonna cook up some vittles.
Granny don't allow nobody to cook vittles in her kitchen.
I don't care what Granny don't allow.
I'm gonna cook up some vittles anyhow.
I'll help you.
Here now, what are you young'uns up to? We's gonna cook us some vittles.
Why, you know Granny don't allow that in her kitchen.
We don't care what Granny don't allow.
We's gonna cook us some vittles anyhow.
Jethro, is that a chicken you're holdin'? Yes, sir! Well, you better get shed of it right away.
No, I mean outside.
Ain't nothin' riles Granny more than chickens in a kitchen.
This is worse than I thought.
Don't nothin' rile her up.
We got to try harder.
Elly May, what you figurin' on cooking? Grits.
Grits? Why, your Granny just cooked a mess of grits last night.
I know, Pa.
But them was the worst mess of grits anybody ever cooked.
Well, heck, I ate four great big heapin' Elly May Clampett, what a spiteful, rilin' thing to say about your Granny's cookin'.
The child is right, Jed.
I can't do nothin' no more.
I ain't worth the powder to blow me up with.
Granny, I didn't mean it! Pa made me say it! Them was the best grits ever.
They sure was, Granny.
Like I was gonna tell ya, I ate four great big bowls.
But Uncle Jed, he wouldn't let me tell you.
And he made me throw that chicken on ya, too.
I don't blame Jed for wantin' to get rid of me.
I'm just a useless old woman.
I ain't good for nothin' or nobody.
My time has come.
Now, Granny, hold on there.
No, no, Jed.
Just do me one favor.
Send me back home.
I don't wanna die in this foreign country.
Now hush that kind of talk.
Pa, you ain't gonna let Granny Don't try to shield me from him, young'uns.
Just make it quick and merciful, Jed.
Pole-axe me! Well, I sure made a mess of that.
Come on, maybe we can think of something if we go outside and put our two chicken brains together.
Oh, comin', Uncle Jed.
You wait here, I'll go and see Mr.
Ask Miss Jane to come to supper, too.
Drysdale, look who's here.
I don't want to be no bother.
Well, it's always a pleasure to see you, Mr.
Sit down, sit down.
Thank you.
Well, now, what can I do for you? Well, I got a little problem.
Your problems are my problems.
What's troubling my favorite depositor? Well, uh, who? You, Mr.
Clampett, you.
Oh, well, you see, it's Granny.
That poor little old woman is feelin' lower than a fat frog in a dry well.
Well, now, we must do something to cheer her up.
Indeed we must.
You see, back home, we'd just have a bunch of neighbors in and have us a do.
Ain't nothin' pleasures Granny more than doin' for folks.
"Doin'?" Yeah, you know, whompin' up a big feed, tappin' a keg of her cider, seem“ everybody has plenty to eat and drink and has a good time.
Can't Granny do that here? Well, you folks is about the only ones we know.
We'll be happy to come, just say when.
I reckon the sooner the better.
How about tonight? That'd be right neighborly.
Drysdale in town? Yes, she is, and she'll be delighted to come.
I would rather face a firing squad.
Margaret, honey bun, please.
I cannot picture myself, with my fine, old Boston background, sitting down to dine with those prehistoric hillbillies.
Oh, but dumpling.
Milburn, I have told you repeatedly I will not mingle socially with the Clampetts.
And I have told you repeatedly that their money is the pillar of this bank! Money isn't everything.
Only if you have plenty.
Which you will not, unless you go to Granny's dinner, because I will cut off your allowance.
You wouldn't.
Try me.
You brute.
Associating with Jed Clampett has made you the same kind of a man that he is.
Oh, no, Margaret.
If I were the kind of man Jed Clampett is, I wouldn't waste time talking, oh no.
I would put you across my knee and paddle your fine, old Boston background.
! Chief, Mrs.
This is indeed a red letter day.
Guess who has just landed on the roof.
Well, it's a little early for Santa Claus.
Oh, no indeed.
It's our distinguished chairman of the board, Mr.
Martin Van Ransohoff.
What? Well, I thought he was on a world cruise.
No! He's anchored his yacht off Balboa and helicoptered in to see you.
Van Ransohoff.
Marty, Milburn, call me Marty.
You know Mrs.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Congratulations, for what? Well, I think you should be the first to know I'm elevating your husband to the board of directors.
- Board of directors? - Chief! Yes, well, he deserves it.
Any man that can land the Clampett account is my kind of banker.
And I want the two of you to celebrate with me, having dinner on my yacht.
Thank you, we'd be delighted.
I have a new French chef that's a genius.
Every meal is an adventure.
Sounds marvelous.
But darling, have you forgotten that we're dining with the Clampetts this evening? Oh, well, don't worry about that, I'll call it off.
Oh, no, no, we won't.
There's one man I want to meet, J.
Business genius, financial wizard, shrewd, calculating, incisive.
Clampett? Who told you Mr.
Clampett was that kind of a man? You did.
I did? Yes, right after you landed the account.
Oh, yes, yes! Well, he's still the same kind of man, isn't he? Of course, certainly.
He's, uh he's, uh Crude.
What was that? Shrewd, shrewd! Thank you, Margaret, that's just the word I was looking for.
Come on, dear, I'm sure you want to rush out and buy yourself a new wardrobe to celebrate your husband's promotion.
I'm doubling your allowance.
Now you see what trouble mingling with the lower classes can bring.
What do you intend to do? Just what any decent, sensible man would do who has lied his way into trouble.
I'm going to lie my way out.
Oh, Mr.
Van Ransohoff.
Marty, Marty.
Oh, yes, Marty.
Well, the Clampetts won't be able to have dinner with us on your yacht.
Well, why not? Well, it was foolish of me to forget this, but they're rather susceptible to seasickness, sort of a family characteristic.
Well, that's ridiculous.
They won't get seasick on my yacht.
Compared to mine, the Vanderbilts have a rowboat.
The dining salon is as solid as this building.
Just being near the ocean upsets them.
Yeah, what a shame.
I was going to fly the entire Lido de Paris show down from Las Vegas.
Give our company a little entertainment during dinner.
What's a meal without some atmosphere, huh? Just one of those things.
I'll tell you what you do.
Jane, charter me a jet, see, we'll fly everyone to Hawaii, have a little luau, wear muumuus or mamas, do the hula.
You do the hula? It'll be a ball.
I'm sorry, they're also subject to airsickness.
You just can't have an ordinary dinner for a sophisticated man of the world like J.
Sophisticated man of the world? That's what Milburn says.
Bon vivant, international financier, those were your exact words.
They were? Oh, they were, yes! Tell you what, I haven't done this in years.
Jane, get a charter a train, see, and I'll get the galley crew in the ship, we'll have an orchestra in the club car.
Dinner on the train and dessert in San Francisco.
Should be a million laughs.
Last time I did this was between Paris and St.
Had everybody dress as Swiss yodelers, , you know.
Bernard dogs wearing the kegs of brandy under their necks bow wow wow! I tell you, the Duke and Duchess of it really was embarrassing.
What's the matter? They get train sick, too.
How do these people travel, in space capsules? Well, just don't stand there, come up with an idea! I'm racking my brain, believe me! Granny? Granny.
Look-a here.
I learned Earl a new trick.
He's a dead rooster.
Just put us both in a pine box and send us home for burying.
He ain't really dead, he's just playin'.
Look at this.
See, he's alive! More than I can say for me.
Elly May, you best stop playing with that chicken.
You got lots to do.
What, Pa? Oh, cookin' for company, that's what.
We is having a big doin's.
Well, who's all coming? Well, Miss Hathaway, Mr.
Drysdale, Mrs.
Drysdale, I don't know who all.
Well, what'll I cook? The fanciest spread ever.
Jethro's out right now, getting some fresh vittles.
I reckon you start heatin' the water for the owl soup, and I'll go down the cellar and fetch up some salted possum.
Hold on, everybody.
If we is havin' a do, I'm gonna do the doin'.
Elly May, get this chicken out of here.
Nothin' riles me like chickens in my kitchen.
And the rest of you scat, too.
Elly May, you set the table in the fancy eatin' room.
Jed, you go cut me some fresh greens.
Oh, we're gonna have a doin' for the folks next door I'll bake them up a possum and plenty Vittles more A half a keg of cider and a little mountain dew And we'll all have ourselves a hullabaloo Look, there's a place out here called the Coliseum, isn't there? Yes, it's a stadium.
Oh, good, good, we'll hire it for the night.
Tell you what we'll do, we'll have a Roman bacchanal, see.
All the guests will wear togas, they'll have laurel leaves in their hair - Mr.
Van Marty.
- Yes? I don't think you can get the Coliseum on such short notice.
Well, I tell you what, we'll get Grauman's Chinese, that's it.
We'll rent the theater, you understand? Have all the guests dressed in kimonos, and we'll have dinner out in the forecourt.
Oh, and by the way, Jane, get me some fresh cement.
I bet you Jed Clampett never put his footprints in wet cement while eating fried shrimp.
Well, to tell you the truth I know what you're going to say.
That's the trouble with fellas like Clampett and me, we've been everywhere, we've done everything.
They're just, there are no new thrills, that's all.
Yes, that's probably why the Clampetts are such a secluded family They never go out.
By the way, you're going over for dinner tonight, aren't you? Yes, but Jane, call them and ask if I could impose on their hospitality.
I've just got to meet the Clampetts.
No no, no, no, don't call them! Well, why not? Well, they don't like to talk on the telephone.
Now I'll go up there in person, and speak to them on your behalf.
Oh, good boy, good boy.
Look, just in case, I'd better get a date for tonight.
Get me Liz Taylor on the telephone.
I believe she's in Europe.
Zsa Zsa Gabon.
Gina Lollobrigida, married.
Susan Hayward, married.
Jayne Mansfield, married.
Jane Hathaway single.
Who is she? Yours truly.
Yeah, Shirley MacLaine, married.
Van Ransohoff, I think I should tell you that I already have an invitation to the Clampetts' for dinner tonight.
We are very good friends, very close.
Really? Yes, indeed.
So, would you mind turning around? Debbie Reynolds is married.
Van Ransohoff.
I think you should also know that the Clampetts do not, as they say, cotton to strangers.
Miss Hathaway, let me say that you have a date for this evening.
Mm-hm, jolly good.
But, a word of caution.
The fact that I have appeared eager might lead you to believe that I am a girl with whom you could take liberties.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I permit no familiarity on the first date.
Bless you, my girl.
I can't tell you how sorry I am, Mr.
Clampett, but you see, Mr.
Van Ransohoff is my boss.
Well, bring him along.
Granny's got plenty of possum, grits, and owl soup.
Well, I'd love to bring him but he has dinner planned on his yacht and I have to do what he wants.
I'm terribly sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
Poor Granny, it's gonna be like a mule kick to her.
Well, tell her we'll come tomorrow night or tomorrow morning for breakfast if she likes, but tonight I have to be with Mr.
Van Ransohoff.
Well, I understand.
Thank you, Mr.
Clampett, thank you very much.
Better not bring these in to Granny just yet.
When she hears the news, she's liable to commence flingin' them.
Give me the knife, Jed, just heard the news.
Now, simmer down, Granny, you can't catch Mr.
Drysdale, he done gone.
What I want to catch him for? Comin' back here tonight with Miss Jane and Mr.
Is Mr.
Rancyhoff comin' here? Sure he is.
Miss Jane just called to see if he got the invite.
I says shucks, he don't need no invite, just bring him along.
Well, doggies.
If Mr.
Rancyhoff is comin', then they's all comin', 'cause he's the boss.
Oh, we're gonna have a doin' for the folks next door Jane and Mr.
Rancyhoff and that makes four Tap a keg of cider and a little mountain dew And we'll all have ourselves a hullabaloo.
What do you mean, Ransohoff's going to the Clampetts'? I'll be exposed, I'll be ruined.
Chief! Chief, veritas vincit omnia.
If that's the name of a poison, get me some.
It means "the truth conquers all.
" Tell Mr.
Van Ransohoff the truth.
Admit that you deceived him.
Do you know what happened to the last man who admitted that to Ransohoff? He is now working at the bank at Moosejaw, Alaska.
He goes to work in a dog sled.
Chief, Chief.
I have an idea.
I am Mr.
Van Ransohoff's date tonight.
I'll tell him the truth.
I'll pick a romantic moment and seal it with a kiss.
Are you kidding? He has a bank north of Moosejaw! Milburn, wait till you see the divine gown I purchased.
It was designed especially for an evening on a yacht.
Well, take it back and try to get something that's good for a day on a dog sled.
Say, what a place, huh? A veritable palace.
I hope this isn't one of those dull, stuffy, formal parties, you know? Last week I went to one at Buckingham Palace.
The liveried servants and the protocol.
Not a laugh all evening.
Well, I doubt very much it will be formal.
On the contrary Oh, oh, don't tell me! I love surprises.
Elsa Maxwell gave me a surprise party last month at the Waldorf Astoria.
Converted the main ballroom into Sahara Desert.
Sand dunes and camels, real camels.
Everybody came as sheiks, she came as a belly dancer and I was Lawrence of Arabia.
Oh, what a laugh! What are you doing? I'm packing for Moosejaw, Alaska.
Ransohoff just arrived at the Clampetts.
Surely you're exaggerating the situation.
Margaret, one look at those hillbillies and I'm an Eskimo.
Clampett, may I present Mr.
Martin Van Ransohoff.
How do you do? Hi there, just call me Jed.
And this here's Granny.
Pleasure to know you.
How do you do? Ah, this is fabulous.
No, this is Elly.
My daughter, Elly May.
Howdy, there.
Say, I got a rooster that plays dead.
Want to see him? Now, Elly May, let's wait till later to show off your critters.
This fine young feller here is my nephew Jethro.
Howdy, Mr.
He's my cousin Pearl's boy.
We're right proud of Jethro, he's gonna graduate from the fifth grade this year.
Congratulations, young man.
Well, thank you.
Well, let's all go sit in the parlor while Granny pulls the bung on a keg of cider.
Jane, Jane, this is marvelous, simply marvelous and what a surprise.
Who'd think that a stuffy millionaire like Clampett would come up with a hillbilly party.
The man is a genius, and those accents, they must have been practicing for weeks.
Oh, longer than that.
Yes, well, when do they start the hoedown or the square dance or whatever they're gonna do? Oh, excuse me, Mr.
Marty, Marty.
Well, come on, Marty Marty, once Granny pulls the bung on that cider, it evaporates awful fast.
Look, we'd like to get in the spirit of the party.
Do you got anymore clothes like the one that you're wearing? Sure, Elly May, Jethro! Take these folks upstairs and get them some party clothes.
Sure, come on! Yeah! Miss Hathaway.
Miss Hathaway.
Jane! Here I am.
Ha ha, you look like something out of Tobacco Road.
Well, you're not exactly Adolphe Menjou yourself.
You know, I can't get over an important millionaire like Clampett going to all this trouble to surprise me with a hillbilly party.
He's a wonderful man.
He's the greatest.
He's a millionaire's millionaire.
I'll always be grateful to Drysdale for by the way, why aren't the Drysdales here? Well, that's rather a long story, Mr.
Van Ransohoff.
Call me Marty Marty the way Clampett does, that kills me.
Well, Marty Marty, Mr.
Drysdale thinks you're going to transfer him to your bank in Moosejaw, Alaska.
Moosejaw, Alaska? Milburn, what are you doing? I'm trying to figure out if I can convert these into snow shoes.
I've had enough of this ridiculous nonsense.
Are we going to dinner or not? Well, that depends.
Van Ransohoff spoke so highly of his French chef.
I'm simply dying for a Chateaubriand.
How would you feel about a nice, big dish of flaming blubber? Really.
Shh, Shh.
I hear square dance music! What does that mean? It probably means that Ransohoff has left.
He's on his way over here, and we're on our way to Moosejaw.
II Yeehaw! Do-si-do! Yeehaw! All right! All right, everybody! Granny says we can't wait no longer for the Drysdales.
Her owl soup and chicken-fried hawk is gettin' cold.
This way to the fancy eatin' room.
Owl soup and chicken-fried hawk what a sense of humor.
Drysdale's missing the party of the year! Do-si-do! Dinner in the billiard room! This is priceless.
Well, before we all sit down, there's a couple things I better explain to you, Marty Marty.
Now these sticks with the notches in them is the pot passers.
And these pointy ones here is the meat stabbers.
They is just dandy for stabbin' stuffed crow.
Wish Elsa Maxwell and Perle Mesta could be here.
Partial to stuffed crow, is they? Well, come on, sit down, everybody, first we'll have grace, and after that, Elly May will pass out the devilled buzzard eggs.
They is just fine with baked possum.
II I tell you, fabulous.
Is that fabulous? I tell you, I've been to parties all over the world, but this is the cleverest, the most original.
And what food.
Imagine calling roast pheasant au jus "stuffed crow with gopher gravy.
" I noticed that you didn't eat much.
Oh, the excitement of the evening.
Yes, I must say, I don't blame you.
I can hardly wait to get back from that around-the-world cruise to see what kind of party they're going to plan for me next.
Marty Marty! Granny said you seem so fond of her devilled buzzard eggs, she wanted you to have these to take home with you.
Oh, well, thank her for me.
You bet I will.
Good night! Good night.
Is that beautiful? Still in character.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode