The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e32 Episode Script

The Clampetts in Court

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Wonder how much money I ought to draw out.
Don't forget, I need school supplies.
And I need vittles for my critters.
And I need vittles for you critters! I reckon might as well draw out enough money to last us a month or two.
Reckon ten dollars will do it.
Jed, I never could sleep a wink with all that money in the house.
I told you not to drive with that hangover.
Anybody hurt? I don't think so.
Well, no harm done, huh, kid? No, not to your car, but you kinda bent our bumper! I reckon I can straighten it out, though.
Atta boy! You goin' in the bank, old timer? Well, yes, sir, I was plannin' to.
Well, come with me.
They know me here.
Maybe I can do you some good.
I, uh, hope you'll forgive my stupid husband.
Had a bad day yesterday with the nags and he got stoned last night, so now he's gotta borrow some money to pay off his bookie.
What's a bookie? A little rat called Sam the Collector.
Oh, if Jim could only stay away from the horses.
Your husband likes horses, does he? Loves 'em.
Especially losers.
Jed says a man who likes animals can't be all bad.
Here comes Uncle Jed, Granny.
Well, let's be on our way.
Bye, ma'am, glad there was no harm done.
Yes, so am I.
Bye! What happened to you, fall down in there? Shut up and act hurt.
That old geezer's worth $35 million.
What? Faint! We'll sue him for a bundle.
Case of Johnson versus Clampett.
Are the plaintiffs ready? We are, Your Honor.
Are the defendants ready? Uh, Mr.
Clampett? Yes, sir? Please rise when addressing the court.
Yes, sir, your courtship.
Say "Your Honor.
" Oh, just call me Jed.
Clampett, let me warn you that any attempt at humor will be dealt with severely.
You're being sued for $100,000.
Do you consider that funny? No, sir.
Very well.
Are you represented by counsel? Am I what, by who? Do you have an attorney? A lawyer? Oh, no, sir.
I see.
You're appearing in pro per? Do you any objections? No, Your Honor.
If there are no objection, I will permit your defense.
Thank you, sir.
Wait for the plaintiffs, who will make his opening statement.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Although my clients, the Johnsons, are really in no condition to appear today, I have persuaded them to come to court so that Your Honor can see the carnage reeked by this criminally careless family of hoodlums.
Oh, excuse me, young fellow, but our name ain't hoodlum, it's Clampett.
That is, all except Granny She's a Moses, and Jethro, he's a Bodine.
He's my cousin Pearl's boy.
Pearl's back home right now with Jethrine, his sister, trying to get her married.
She's 18 and still single.
That is enough.
That's the way my cousin Pearl feels.
A girl passes 18 and her chances of getting a husband Mr.
Clampett, will you please be quiet.
Now, I'm going to excuse this outburst because apparently you're unfamiliar with court procedure.
However, one more infraction, and I will hold you in contempt.
You be seated.
Proceed, counselor.
As I was saying, Your Honor, I have prevailed upon my clients to appear today, although at the cost of great personal suffering themselves.
Bailiff, if you please.
Is them the people that run into us? It sure is! What do you reckon happened to them? Something terrible by the looks of 'em.
Let's go see can we comfort 'em.
Your Honor, protect my clients from these ruffians! You got a terrible memory for names we's Clampetts! Except for Granny and Jethro.
Clampett, I declare you in contempt of this court.
And I'm going to give you a fine of $100.
Well, thank you, but I didn't do nothin' to earn no hundred dollars.
The fine of $100 is suspended, now please, take your seats.
Jed, where's the hundred dollars he promised ya? Didn't you hear him, Granny? The judge spended it.
What right's he got, spending your hundred dollars? Order! Order in this court.
The attorney for the plaintiffs will proceed.
Your Honor, the maimed and broken bodies of my clients speak more eloquently than any words of mine in condemning the criminal actions of this lawless family.
What he call us that time? Lawless.
I know a family named Lawless.
Awful nice folks.
Raised pigs.
We will prove, Your Honor, that on the day and date set forth in the complaint, said defendants did willfully and maliciously crash into the plaintiffs car.
Inflicting upon the bodies of the plaintiffs numerous and grievous injuries, for which we ask the court to award damages in the amount of $100,000 to said plaintiffs.
He can't even remember the Johnsons.
He keeps calling them the plaintiffs.
And no two ways about it, when it comes to recollectin' names, that young fellow's pitiful.
I want you to tell the court, in your own words, exactly what happened.
Well, Mrs.
Johnson and I had just driven up to the bank where I hoped to borrow some money for my favorite charity The Horse Lovers of America.
And although we've been married for 20 years, Mrs.
Johnson and I are still very affectionate.
Proceed with your testimony, Mr.
Well, being affectionate as we are, we set in the car for a few moments to speak of our love.
I love you, Jim Johnson.
I love you, Mabel.
What other man would borrow the money to help those poor old horses on their way to the glue factory? I do what my heart tells me, darling.
Mabel! What is it, angel? There's an old truck careenin' down the street out of control! Oh, Jim! He's heading straight for us! Well, have no fear, I'll protect you, darling! And that's the has“ remember, Your Honor.
Those monsters crashing into us in an alcoholic stupor! Your Honor, please.
Court is recessed for ten minutes.
Who you reckon smacked into them people like that? I don't know, but they was driving something called a stupor.
What do we drive, Jethro? I ain't sure, but I think it's called a Stutz.
Too bad we wasn't there, we could've helped 'em.
Excuse me, mister.
How do you get to the playground? Playground? Oh, yes, sir.
He just called recess.
For my poor Jim's sake, I'm glad he was unconscious so that he didn't have to see the worst part.
Would you describe what you mean by the "worst part"? Well, you see, the impact threw my husband out of the car.
There he lay on the street, broken and bruised.
My precious darling.
Did those insensitive beasts care? No! They actually seemed happy about it.
Let's back up and hit 'em again! Yeah, that one 'bout knocked him five feet in the air.
Why don't you learn how to stay out of peoples' way?! You brutes, look what you've done to my husband! I'll bring him around.
If this don't bring him around, he's dead.
My poor husband.
Those precious lips had never before touched alcohol.
Your Honor, uh, please, sir? Mr.
Judge? Yes, Mr.
Clampett? Do you wish to question Mrs.
Johnson? Oh, no sir, that poor woman's been through terrible enough.
I just want to say that me and my family here is right good at trackin' and trailin' and huntin'.
And we'd be right pleasured if you'd let us go out and hunt down them rascals that was so mean to the Johnsons.
Clampett, do you expect the court to take those remarks seriously? Well, I reckon I did brag a little too strong on us, but if we can't catch 'em, we got a hound dog name of Ol' Duke.
He can follow a trail a month old.
That's a fact, he can! Why, you just give Ol' Duke the scent and he'll Quiet! Is it possible that you people don't realize that you are the accused? What do you mean? You are the folks who caused these injuries to the Johnsons.
- Us?! - Who says so? They do! That's a dag-blame lie! We wasn't even there! Bailiff, restrain these people.
What do you mean "restrain"? You want to fight? You put me down! Order! Order! Order! If you ask me, this is a heck of a place to spend recess.
That fellow said he'd put us in here to cool off.
It's hotter in here than it is in there.
Well, they's one good thing, he's gonna give each one of us a hundred dollars.
A fine.
That's what I say.
Fine and dandy.
Jed, you look like you're countin' hairs on a hog's back.
What you studyin' on? I'm studyin' on this whole situation, Granny.
Why would the Johnsons haul off and say we done something that we didn't? Well maybe they's fibbin' to get the money.
Maybe they's hatched.
I agree with Elly.
Way I got it figured, that accident they had knocked their memories loose.
Might could've.
The way they's bandaged up, they must've took some awful hard knocks.
Granny, supposin' you make some poultices for the Johnsons.
Then that'll draw the hurt out of their heads, then they'll be able to remember what smashed into 'em.
I'll do it, Jed.
And I'll whomp up a great, big dose of retchweed tonic.
There ain't nothing like retchweed to get you thinkin' straight.
All right, folks.
Judge adjourned court till after lunch.
And then he wants you all back in that courtroom on your very best behavior.
He said he'd suspend your hundred dollar fines.
There he goes, spendin' our money again.
We're gonna ask the court for a judgment by default.
Those hillbillies aren't coming back.
They've probably left town.
Hope we didn't keep you folks waitin'.
We hurried the best we could.
Didn't even stop to eat.
It's a for piece over at our place.
And Granny had a lot of fixin' to do.
And you're gonna feel a heap difference when I get done with you! How dare you threaten my clients! Bailiff! Quiet down, little man, ain't nobody threatenin' nobody.
They're back, Your Honor.
All rise.
You can uncover the grits, but keep the lid on the baked possum.
How about the chitlins? They's just as good cold.
They sure is, Granny.
Smells good, don't it, Judge? We'd be right pleasured to have you join us.
Everybody, we got plenty.
Thank you.
That is very nice of you.
Oh, not at all.
You realize how long you kept this court waiting? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Judge, but we done the best we could.
Granny was working like a whirlwind.
Bakin' possum, cookin' grits, makin' tonic and fixin' poultices.
I am not interested in what Granny has been doing.
I wouldn't rile her up if I was you, Judge, not on a empty stomach.
Granny get right ornery when she ain't eat all day.
I am also not interested in her dietary idiosyncracies.
Bailiff, remove that food from this courtroom.
Hold on! We's hungry! That's your own fault, being late.
I wouldn't say too much about bein' late if I was you.
This is the second time today you've come in here in your nightgown.
Uh, tell me, Jethro, do you like to drive that old truck? Oh, yes, sir.
Do you like to drive fast? Oh, yes, sir, but I'm always Just answer the question, yes or no.
And tell the truth.
Now, do you like to drive fast? Uh, yes, sir.
Were you driving fast the day you crashed into the Johnsons' car? Oh, no, sir.
Were you driving slowly when you crashed into their car? - No, sir.
- That's all, thank you.
- But I'm always - Step down, please.
Next witness.
Granny, I understand that you make very good moonshine whiskey.
I call it my rheumatism medicine.
I see.
But it is quite potent, quite strong? Well, you don't want to stand too close to a fire when you uncork it.
Yes, well, uh, now then, Granny.
Do you sometimes carry a jug of this rheumatism medicine around with you? Take it on trips, say? Only when I get my twinges.
Well, were you having twinges the day you and your family crashed into the Johnsons? No.
And we didn't That's all.
Thank you.
Now then, Elly May, when the old truck here crashed into the Johnsons' car, would you show me just where you were sitting? Well, I was sittin' right there.
- But we didn't - That's all.
Thank you.
Clampett, how many guns do you have in your home? Well, there's Granny's shotgun, Jethro's lever action, my pistol, my squirrel rifle You needn't go on, Mr.
That's quite an arsenal you have.
Thank you.
You're used to carrying a gun, aren't you? I been totin' a squirrel rifle since I was knee high to a jackrabbit.
And I understand you're quite a good shot.
Back where I come from, if you didn't shoot good, you didn't eat.
I see, you shot only for food.
Yes, sir.
And you were very poor.
Yes, sir.
And then oil was discovered on your land and you became very, very wealthy and moved to Beverly Hills.
Yes, sir.
But isn't it a fact, Mr.
Clampett, that in spite of all your millions, you are still frequently seen carrying a gun? Yes, sir, you see Just answer the question yes or no.
Do you, to this day, frequently carry a gun? Yes, sir.
Were you carrying a gun the day you and your family crashed into the Johnsons? No, sir, and we didn't That's all.
Thank you.
Step down.
No, sir.
What do you mean, "no, sir"? That ain't all and I ain't steppin' down, not fill I've said a few things.
Your Honor, I object.
Now, Counselor, I have been very lenient with your conduct of this case, just as I have been very lenient with the conduct of the defendants.
However, since Mr.
Clampett here is a defendant, and will bear the financial burden if judgment is against him, the court wishes to hear anything that is relevant and pertinent to this case.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, Mr.
Clampett, let us hear what you have to say.
Thank you.
Well, to begin with, there ain't nobody who told the real story about what happened the day the Johnsons backed into us.
I object, Your Honor! There has not been one shred of evidence or testimony supporting the allegations that my clients back into the defendants.
That is very true, Counselor.
Perhaps now we might have it.
In the mean time, you be seated.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, you may proceed, Mr.
Clampett, realizing, of course, that you're still under oath to tell the truth.
Well, Your Honor, I learned how to tell the truth so long ago, I reckon it's become a habit.
And what with making a promise on the good book, I'm gonna be extra careful.
Well, me and my family drove down to the bank.
And then we drove on home and that was the last we seen of the Johnsons till somebody come to the house and told us to come down here to the court room.
You may cross-examine.
Well, that's quite a story you told, Mr.
Very simple and very sweet.
Just the truth, like I promised.
You're innocent of all these charges against you, aren't you? You've nothing to hide? That's right.
Then why, Mr.
Clampett, did you not answer the summons and complaints served upon you by the county marshal? Summons and complaint? That is right.
This is a complaint, Mr.
In fact, it's a copy of the one delivered into your hands.
Is that a complaint? It is.
Why didn't you answer it? Would you mind readin' that first line there? "The people of the state of California send greetings to J.
" That just didn't seem like no complaint to us.
And as for answerin' it, well, Jethro says there's pert near 18 million people in California.
We just couldn't hardly see how we could get around to greetin' 'em all back.
Any further questions? Not right now, Your Honor.
The court will recess for 30 minutes, after which we'll hear final arguments.
Uh, Mrs.
Johnson, I'd like to have a little conference with you and your husband before court resumes.
Do you know where he is? Probably out calling his bookie, uh, doctor.
Another thing, you told me your husband was a teetotaler.
After lunch today, I thought I smelled liquor on his breath.
That's his medicine for pain.
But, Mrs.
Johnson, are you sure you and your husband are telling me the complete truth about this case? What do you mean? Are you siding with that millionaire against us poor, crippled people? Bodies all aching and racked with pain? No, no, it's just that Mr.
Clampett's story was very convincing.
And there were no witnesses to the accident.
You told me we didn't need any witnesses.
You said because they didn't answer the complaint, we didn't have to bring in any witnesses.
But you mean you, uh, could have brought in witnesses? All you want.
All rise.
Counselor for the plaintiffs ready for his final summation? Uh, yes, yes, Your Honor.
Uh, Your Honor, sir, uh, Mr.
Judge, could I say something that might save us all a lot of time? You any objections? No, no, Your Honor.
Proceed, Mr.
Uh, well, sir, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd like to go ahead and, uh, give that hundred thousand dollars to the Johnsons.
Do you admit the claims made by the Johnsons? Well, no, sir, I don't.
But, uh, he deserves the money, and I can afford to give it to him, more if he needs it.
Would you mind telling the court why you think he deserves it? Well, Your Honor, I got a daughter here, Elly May, and I reckon she means more to me than just about anything in the world.
And during the recess, when, uh, I seen Mr.
Johnson with his daughter, and seein' how much he loved her, just like I do Elly May, well, it kinda tore at my heart.
What daughter? Shut up.
So there he was in his wheelchair in that little room across the hall, and in walked this beautiful girl with long, red hair, and I knowed right away she was his daughter 'cause she walked up to him and she says, "How's it goin', Daddy?" Judge, Your Honor, with no nurse to help him, that brave man got to his feet and stood there straight and tall so she wouldn't see he was sufferin'.
And he hugged her and he kissed her and right then is where I found out she was a heap like my daughter.
Fond of critters, 'cause he said, "Marcia, darlin', when I get this hundred thousand, "I'm gonna take you to Mexico and we're gonna watch the ponies run.
" So, you've taken up with that redhead.
Mabel, Mabel, Mabel! Mabel, Mabel, Mabel! Your Honor, these developments surprise me as they did you.
I ask to be relieved from the case at once.
Request granted.
This court finds for the defendants.
Bailiff, bring those plaintiffs back into this court immediately! They're to be held for perjury! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

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