The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e33 Episode Script

The Clampetts Get Psychoanalyzed

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Can I help you, Granny? Sure can, Elly.
I must be gettin' old.
The clothes basket is heavier than a bucket full of hogs' livers.
Don't touch it.
It's haunted! I'll bet you little Jasper crawled in there to get warm.
Who in tarnation is little Jasper? Ain't he cute, Granny? I declare, another pussycat.
This one's all broke out with spots.
This here little feller is what you call a jag-u-ar.
Where'd he come from? Critter doctor over at the zoo said he comes all the way from South America.
Down Louisiana way.
Nice country.
He let me bring him home to wean.
He says that I got a way with critters.
You better get away with this one before your pa sees it.
He's getting a craw full of you dragging home them critters.
Where is Pa? Out front, solin' shoes.
Come on, little Jasper, I better hide you, baby.
Jed, I'm back! Well, well, it's me, Pearl.
Don't you want to kiss me? Just didn't want to nail us together, Pearl.
By doggies, it's good to see ya! It's good to be here! I thought I heard Pearl's voice! You did! Granny! You old rascal, you.
You surprised us.
How are things back home? Fine as frog's hair.
Why didn't you let us know you was coming? We'd have met you at the airport.
Oh, that'd spoil the surprise.
Besides, I didn't want to take Jethro out of school.
And Mr.
Drysdale offered his limousine and livered chauffer.
Uh, thanks a heap.
Jed, g-give the chauffer a tip.
Come on, Pearl.
Come inside, tell me all the news.
Oh, uh, just a minute, young feller.
Got a tip for you.
Thank you, sir.
Plant your corn early this year.
Aunt Pearl! Aunt Pearl! Elly May, it's good to see you.
Well, tell us all about Jethrine gettin' married.
Did you have a big fancy wedding in your parlor? Sure, she did.
Pearl's been plannin' that for years.
It-it didn't quite come off the way I planned it.
What happened? You know I had Jethrine all set to marry Albert Ledbetter, that tall, string-bean of a undertaker over to Ripley.
Good, steady fella, AI.
Best undertaker in the whole county.
Only undertaker in the county.
Nice feller, too.
Oh, Granny.
I wish you could've seen the way he decorated my parlor.
Well, you couldn't walk for the flowers.
They weren't all strictly fresh, mind you, and, uh, some of them still had the black ribbons on them.
Well, flowers is flowers.
AI never was one to waste nothin'.
Well, what happened, Aunt Pearl? Didn't Cousin Jethrine marry up with the undertaker? Stood him up, eloped with another man.
There goes my free funeral.
Well, uh, tell me, Pearl, who did Jethrine elope with? That drummer from Joplin, Jasper Depew.
Why he weren't no more than half her size.
I reckon love ain't measured by a yardstick, Granny.
And they do look happy.
Sent me a snapshot from Turnersville.
How'd old AI Ledbetter take it, Pearl? Jethrine standing him up like that? Took it right nasty, Jed.
He backed his hearse up to the door and hauled away every single flower.
Where'd he take them? Straight over to Elverna Bradshaw's parlor.
He up and married her daughter before them flowers could wilt.
AI never was one to waste nothin'.
Hey, Uncle Jed, I got to have Hello, son! Ma! Jethro, put me down.
Jethro! What are you doing home from school in the middle of the morning? Did you hear your ma was comin' home? No, Uncle Jed.
They just found out over at school that I ain't got no certificate of health.
What's that? That's somethin' that says that I'm healthy.
I say you're healthy.
Now go on back to school.
I have to have an examination first, Granny.
Stick out your tongue.
You're healthy.
Get back to school.
Granny, I reckon he's got to be examined by a doctor.
I been doctorin' better than 60 years.
It's got to be a doctor that's what they call a MD.
What's that stand for? Mr.
Doctor, I reckon.
Well, I'm a MD.
Granny, maybe he ought to do like the school says, hmm? Eh.
City doctors.
Eh! Trouble is, we don't know no doctors.
Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.
Jethro's a human being, Elly May.
Thank you, Ma.
Why don't we ask Mrs.
Drysdale? I hear tell she's been to every doctor in Beverly Hills.
Hey! Marie the maid told me about a doctor she's been going to for seven years.
He must be a crackerjack.
What's his name? Uh, let me think.
Uh, it commences with a D.
I got it! Dr.
Twombly don't commence with a D.
Well, doctor does.
Jethro, you go on upstairs and-and take a bath and put on some clean underwear and get over and see him.
Okay, Ma.
I sure hope Dr.
Twombly don't examine his brains.
Your analysis is progressing most satisfactorily.
Tomorrow, same time.
Well, thank you, Dr.
And don't worry about the regression into infancy syndrome.
You'll overcome this desire to be a baby again.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Doctor.
Thank you.
And you thought you had some beauties, Dr.
Oh, Doctor, there's one more patient.
His name is Jethro Bodine.
But this is my golf day! You know I don't take patients after 11:00.
He was referred by Mrs.
Oh, all right.
Call Dr.
Black and tell him I'll meet him on the golf course at 12:15.
Yes, Doctor.
Doctor, this is Jethro Bodine.
How are you, Jethro? Uh, make yourself comfortable on the couch.
Thank you.
Would you, uh, like to tell me all about yourself and why you're here? Well, why I'm here is that I can't go to school till I get examined by you.
I see.
Just lie back and relax.
Thank you.
Now, suppose you tell me about this problem you're having at school.
Well, my biggest problem is staying awake while the teacher's talkin'.
Well, that might be nothing more than a benign subconscious rejection of authority represented by the teacher.
It doesn't mean that you necessarily lack interest or capability or intelligence.
Above all, you mustn't let this cause you any distress.
Together, we will probe in to the underlying causations and It's so good to feel needed.
Elly May, this little critter just scared the living daylights out of your Aunt Pearl.
Now, something tells me it just might be yours.
I'm awful sorry Pa.
I plumb forgot I hid him in Aunt Pearl's dresser drawer.
He just loves to get in betwixt clothes and snooze.
Give me a terrible start, Elly.
I thought it was a fur muff and I started to stick my hand in and he bit right down on it.
Oh, I let out a yell, I can't tell ya.
Pearl, I heared you clean down to the cement pond.
You're yodelin' better than ever.
No, Granny, I was yelling.
I reckon a ornery critter like this ought to be outside instead of in the house scarin' folks.
Oh, leave her stay, Jed.
I'm commencing to like her yodeling.
Oh, Granny.
Has anybody heard anything of Jethro? He's been at that doctor for a good spell, now.
Now, rest easy, Pearl.
There's a lot of boy there to examine.
Now, Jethro, during your few waking moments you have managed to tell me that your mother's a widow.
Oh, yes, sir.
I'd like you to tell me all about your mother.
I'm very interested in her.
I don't blame you.
She's pretty.
That's fine.
Now then, Jethro.
What's your relationship to your mother? I'm her son! Yes, I know that, but how do you feel about her? Do you like her? Oh, I sure do.
She's a dandy! Does she ever give you hostile emotions or aggressive tendencies? Well, she would if I asked her for them.
Yes, well, suppose, uh, that we talk about your father.
Do you remember him? Oh, yes, sir.
He used to take me huntin'.
Taught me how to shoot with a rifle when I was just a little feller.
Oh, you were good buddies when he was alive.
Oh, yes, sir.
Did you miss him? I never shot at him.
Well, suppose you tell me about the rest of your family.
Do you have any brothers? Uh, no, sir.
Bu“ got a sister that's got one.
That would be you, Jethro.
Uh, no, sir.
Her name is Jethrine.
Why don't you go back to sleep for a while? Oh, Granny, wait till you see what all's in here.
Every last thing you asked me to bring back from the hills.
Oh, bless you, Pearl! Puccoon root.
Pearl, you'll never know how I needed this.
When you simmer this in slippery elm tea, it is first rate for chills and fever.
Dried crawdad tails.
Ooh, big rascals, too.
When they is ground up to powder, you can't beat it for easing headaches, curing warts, and seasoning sauerkraut.
Catfish whiskers.
! Stump water.
! Dogwood bark.
! And the skins from three full-growed newts, caught at midnight under a full moon.
Pearl, you ain't gonna believe this, but you just can't buy these in Beverly Hills.
That's a fact, Pearl.
Jethro drove me up to five big department stores out here, and not one of them had a newt skin.
When it comes to charms and potions, you might just as well not commence, unless you got the midnight-moonlight-caught, fully-growed newt.
Pearl, did you do all this gathering yourself? Oh, no, no, Jed, I had company.
Especially for the midnight, moonlight newt hunt.
Mmm, uh, anybody I know? Oh, three of the most marriageable men in the hills.
Ah, that'd be, uh, Jack Cantrell, uh, widower Lloyd and, uh, old man Casey.
Oh, he ain't so old.
I declare! I had to watch out more for him than the newts.
I'm surprised you didn't get married while you was back home, Pearl.
Oh, I had plenty of chances, Granny, but, I got spoilt livin' out here.
So I'm going to hold out for one of them good-lookin', snappy-dressin', money-spendin' Beverly Hills fellas.
Wild honey comb.
Honey comb and mountain dew.
Best thing in the world for quinsey.
Mountain-grown flaxseed.
Nothing better for poultices.
Old George Marquenie sent that to you.
I'll take it anyway.
Ma! Ma.
Well, what'd the doctor say? Are you well, are you healthy? Never did find out.
When that Dr.
Twombly heard that you was my ma, that's all he talked about from then on.
He talked about me? He must've asked a dozen questions about you.
But, Jethro, I don't even know the man.
Well, he sure knows about you.
He'd like you to come to his office to see him.
When? Well, he says the sooner the better.
And he's a good looker, too.
Bet you Mrs.
Drysdale told him about me.
I'll hurry and put on my store-bought hair and high society dress.
Jethro, this, uh, Dr.
Twombly a pretty nice fella? Yes, sir.
But he's awful nosy though.
Never stops asking questions.
Suppose he's interested.
There's one thing about him Ma ain't gonna like.
He's a messy writer.
- He is? - Yes, sir.
You know how Ma's always fussing at me for spillin' ink in my writing book? Yeah.
Well, he showed me one of his books, and Uncle Jed, it's the biggest mess of ink blots you ever saw.
Doggies, Pearl, you're prettier than sun-up on a Monday morning.
Ma, that dress shines like a new tin can! Well, I reckon that's just about the fanciest dress ever.
Even the things that don't show is fancy.
I got the truck waitin', Ma.
Jethro, that truck's a mite breezy when you're wearing high society clothes and someone else's hair.
I'm going in style today.
I'll get the door, Ma.
At your service, Mrs.
Now, this is the way to live.
Oh, I just hope that doctor's looking out his window when I drive up.
Au re-vore! Ain't no two ways about it, when it comes to style, nobody plows a deeper rut than Pearl.
Bodine, how nice to see you.
I'm Dr.
Bonjour, see-voo-play, I'm sure.
You obviously are a more sophisticated woman than I was led to believe.
Merci, ness pa.
Excuse me.
Now, step over to the couch and make yourself comfortable.
Oh, sit down, sit down.
Let's get acquainted.
What's the matter? Don't you get the wrong idea just because I talk French! Mrs.
Bodine, you don't You he“ don't.
Here you are, Doctor.
And I postponed your golf date until 3:00.
Thank you.
Yes, but I'm busy right now.
I'm sorry, you cannot see the doctor without an appointment.
I wouldn't count on that, ma'am.
Might be a good idea for you to leave the room.
Who are you? Name's Jed Clampett, blood cousin to Pearl Bodine.
Oh, good.
It's all right, nurse.
Clampett, I'm glad to see you.
Before I shake your hand, maybe I better speak my piece.
By all means.
Sit down.
I'd rather stand, thanks, and I'll get right to the point.
Back where I come from, we don't take kindly to anybody trifling with our female kinfolks.
But, Mr.
Clampett, I Hake into account that this is a big city, and your ways are probably different than our'n.
But my Cousin Pearl tells me she had no more than said howdy, than you commenced pullin' her to the settee.
By doggies, that's droppin' a rusty bucket down my well! Mr.
Clampett, you don't understand.
I do this every day.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Well, I'd try to get cured of that if I was you.
'Cause you're liable to wind up bad hurt.
Uh, let me explain and apologize for the mistaken impression.
You can come out the house and explain to Granny and apologize to Pearl.
I'd love to come to your house.
I want to meet every member of your family.
Well, that'll be fine.
But keep a tight hold on your feelings.
I reckon Cousin Pearl can look after herself, but I got a daughter, Elly May, and I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're going to find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier.
Pearl, drink this sassafras tea.
I bolstered it up with a little mountain dew.
It'll calm you down.
Thank you, Granny.
Pearl, I wish you'd wear this thing or put it away.
I keep thinkin' it's one of Elly's critters.
Minute ago, I tried to feed it a saucer of milk.
You do something different to your hair? Pearl, uh, Jethro and me have brung that Dr.
Twombly home here so he could apologize to you.
! I got to, I got to, I got to Oh.
No mirror in here.
I hope you didn't whup him to where he's no good for shootin'.
Nobody gonna shoot nobody, Granny.
That's why I come in here first.
You whupped him too bad, huh? - Didn't whup him at all.
- How come? Poor fella's so sickly, he got to have a nurse handy all the time.
Doggone it! Jethro! Bring him on in here.
Twombly, this here is Granny.
I'm pleased to meet you, Granny.
He don't look too sickly to whup.
You want me to whup him, Granny? You go look for some chores.
What, for instance? Put some air in the truck tires.
They won't hold no more air, Uncle Jed.
Then let some out and then put some in.
I never get to do anything I want to do.
Somebody's always saying "Do this, do that.
Put air in, take air out!" I don't know! Granny, where's Elly? She's out back runnin' her new jaguar around the yard.
Well, uh, I'll go fetch her.
I reckon, uh, you'll be safe with him.
Sit down, Doctor.
Thank you.
So, you call yourself a doctor, do you? Well, I do hold several degrees.
All right, Doctor.
How do you cure warts? Warts? Yeah, warts.
Well, dermatology isn't my field, but I assume electro-dessication is still the preferred method.
Is there a newer method? Stumpwater and lye.
Mixed with ground-up crawdad tails, dobbed on with the leg bone of a buzzard, just before the moon comes up.
Think you can remember that? Well, I'll try.
How do you cure quinsey? Quinsey? Uh, tonsillitis.
No, that wouldn't cure it.
It's an inflammation of the pharyngeal area.
I don't care what you call it, that wouldn't cure quinsey.
Quick, what kind of poultice for a risin' in the ear? Poultice? What's asafidity for? Well, uh How would you cure the vapors? I What about the drowsies? Aching joints, stone bruises, corns? Ender, twinges, and proud flesh? These things are outside my field.
A doctor goes where he's needed.
He don't just stay on his own land.
Now, you sit right back down.
Remember what I told you.
Elly, this here is Dr.
How do you do? Are you the young lady with the new Jaguar? I sure am.
You want to see it? Well, yes, I'm an enthusiast myself.
Is it in the garage? No, out in the yard.
Come on.
Now you sit right there.
Elly May, bring it in the house.
A Jaguar in the house? Is it all right, Pa? Yeah, as long as you don't take it upstairs again.
Bonjour again, Doctor.
Oh, Mrs.
Bodine, I-I'm so sorry my actions in the office were misconstrued.
Well, they was downright forward, but if you want to court me proper, you can come into the parlor.
Uncle Jed, lookee here.
How'd that happen? Well, I was blowin' air into it like this here, when all of a sudden, pow! Jethro, I told you and I told you, use the pump.
You always bust the tires when you blow them up by mouth.
Okay, Ma.
Hey, is he gonna be my new daddy? Me? I reckon that's up to him, Jethro.
We do have a nice parlor for proper courtin'.
Watch out, Pearl.
Here comes Elly and her jaguar! Well, good-bye, folks.
It's been weird.
Doctor, wait, wait.
We got a, we got a big couch in the parlor.
Yes, I suggest you get on it, all of you.
I'll send someone over.
Well, of all the He run out on me! Ooh! Hey, Ma, you want me to catch him and tote him back? Let him go, let him go! But, Granny, it might be my only chance to get a Beverly Hills doctor.
Doctor my foot.
Unless Elly brings home a six-foot duck, you ain't never gonna run into a bigger quack.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.

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