The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e35 Episode Script

Elly Becomes a Secretary

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Granny, Jethro said you wanted my banty rooster for something.
I sure do, Elly.
I just heard that Jane Hathaway is sick a-bed, and I want to cook her up a nice, big pot of chicken broth.
Well, that's n Granny, you ain't fixin' to cook Earl! No, of course not, Elly.
But I figured you could turn him loose in the neighborhood, and he just might bring home a plump little hen.
Good-looking little fella, here, Earl.
Well, Granny, I don't reckon Earl would want you to cook none of his sweethearts, neither.
Well, maybe you're right.
Just turn him loose outside.
And if a chicken hawk shows up, Jethro can bag him.
They make awful good broth if you simmer them long enough.
Granny, Jethro tells me Miss Jane is ailin' and you're fixin' to doctor for her.
That's right Jed.
Trouble is, I don't know for sure just what she's got.
What's she told you, Jethro? Uh, she's got something called, uh, sick benefits.
Sick benefits? Yes, sir.
Well, I called her apartment this morning, to find out could she come to supper tonight.
And she says, "I'm sick in bed, Jethro.
" And I says, "Well, Granny'll come on over and doctor you.
" And she says, "Well you tell Granny there's already a doctor on the way, 'cause I got sick benefits.
" I bet you it's something like a sick headache or maybe a sick stomach.
I reckon it's worse than that, Elly, 'cause this is catchin'.
Is that a fact? Yes, sir.
Miss Jane says purt near everybody that works down at the bank has got sick benefits.
That's because they don't wear asafidity bags.
Appears to me like Mr.
Drysdale's got hisself a heap of trouble down to the bank.
Is Mr.
Drysdale sick too, Jethro? No, I asked Miss Jane that.
And she says the executive, that's the higher-ups like the vice presidents, they don't have sick benefits.
Probably because they eat better and they get more rest.
And they wear asafidity bags around their necks.
Well, I reckon we all ought to pitch in and help Mr.
Must be mighty short-handed down to the bank.
I could help count the money.
Arithmetic is my best study in school.
I'm up to 12 times 12 now.
How much is 12 times 12, Jethro? Wait a minute.
Okay, now hold up two fingers.
12 times one is 12.
12 times two is 24.
12 times three is 36.
Never mind, Jethro, we's all right proud of you, but now we all better hurry down to the bank, see how we can help Mr.
Come on, everybody! I'll go in first, the rest of you wait here.
How come? We don't know how catchin' that sickness is.
Miss Hathaway, how can you do this to me? Now, now, you know the bankers convention is in town and I'm making the keynote speech.
Well, well, you haven't finished writing it for me.
Now listen, couldn't you come in today and be sick tomorrow? 103 fever? Well, I'll turn on the air conditioning.
Ah, don't pay any attention to Dr.
Murphy, I know him.
He's trying to make a big thing out of this so he can collect a big fee Oh, fine, Doctor! Yes, how are you? I knew you were there That's why I made that joke about huh? Oh sure, certainly.
Keep her in bed.
Good-bye, Doctor.
Come in.
Howdy there, Mr.
Clampett, hello.
What can I do for you? I reckon right now it's what can I do for you? We heard about all the sickness.
Oh, don't let that concern you.
Anything you need? No, nothing except a secretary, is new doctor, a speech-writer and someone to take over my work.
For a fella with all them troubles, you're sure keeping your spirits up.
Well, I-I try to keep laughing so I don't cry.
Oh, uh, will you answer the door? Oh, howdy, young feller.
You want to see Mr.
Drysdale? Uh, yeah.
Come in, come in.
No, no, no! Not today.
Now leave me alone.
See you later, Mr.
Yes, and thank you so much.
Just being neighborly.
Who was that? Never mind him, who are you? Oh, we met the other day when I started to work here, Mr.
I'm the new teller trainee.
- My name is - What do you want? Well, sir, I noticed that you were without a secretary, and, well, I thought I might be able to help.
You take shorthand? Oh, I don't mean me, sir.
However, there is someone from the secretarial pool that I'd like to recommend.
Oh? Who? Well, the chick the doll uh, lady at the first desk.
I believe her name is Kitty Northcross.
The one that wears the tight sweaters? Yeah! Oh, does she? I only observed her efficiency.
Yeah, I get it.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Skipper.
Who? Well, sir, I just got out of the Navy, and I like to consider this bank my new ship, and you, my new captain.
And I'm proud to be aboard, sir, because I know that your genius will pilot this ship of finance through the reefs of adversity, and the stormy seas of competition, until we drop anchor in the harbor of success.
Bilge water.
Aye aye, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And now, to continue my speech.
Gentlemen, it is my observation that a bank is like a ship.
It's president, the captain.
It is his responsibility to pilot that ship through the reefs of adversity, and the stormy seas of competition until he drops anchor in the harbor of success.
At this point, take a sip of water and wait for applause.
Oh, good, Elly, you're all ready.
We best be gettin' down the bank quick as we can.
Pa, do you reckon I know enough to be a banker's secretary? Shucks, yes, Elly, especially since I'm gonna be the banker.
Oh, did Mr.
Drysdale take sick? Well, he had to speak at a convention.
He says all he needs is a secretary, a speech writer, a new doctor, and somebody to do his work.
Granny's a dandy doctor, but who can write speeches? Well, Jethro found one in a book already wrote.
He's in there helping Granny now, mix the medicine for Miss Jane.
Now, my secret yarb.
Don't stand too close to it while it's workin', Jethro.
That'll cure Miss Jane, huh, Granny? It'll cure anything.
I gave it to a sick horse one morning.
That afternoon, he won a race.
You doctored a race horse? No, a plow horse.
He'd never raced before.
Granny, Jethro? Pa says let's get a-goin'.
Coming, Elly.
You got your speech for Mr.
Drysdale? Yes, ma'am.
One of the greatest speeches ever wrote.
"Four score and seven years ago, “ our fathers brought forth to this continent is new nation, "conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal!" By dingies, that's a dandy speech! I'm proud of you.
I didn't write it.
That was written by Abraham Lincoln, the president that whupped the South.
The South was not whupped! Granny, General Lee surrendered to General Grant.
He did not! General Lee figured that Grant was a blacksmith.
And he hadn't him sword so he could sharpen it.
And don't you ever forget it! And so, gentlemen, in conclusion, let us think of our banks as a great fleet of ships, rescuing the army of American citizens from the Dunkirk of financial difficulty.
Let us take them aboard, and safely sail them back to the shores of prosperity.
Gentlemen, bon voyage.
Beautiful, Skipper.
Just beautiful.
Listen, the door was open and your voice drew me in here like a magnet.
Could I go to the convention with you and hear the entire speech? No, you cannot.
But sir, you're my idol.
You're pretty idle yourself.
Now get back to your cage and do some work.
What a voice.
Sir, you were born to command.
In the Navy, you'd have been an admiral.
Well, I was in the Army.
Corporal in the quartermaster corps.
Great outfit, sir! Backbone of the armed forces.
Get back to work.
That voice.
You and General MacArthur, legends in your own time.
Pleasure, sir.
Where did personnel dig up that nut? General Drysdale.
Milburn Drysdale.
Oh, hello, Margaret.
What? You want me to pick you up at the beauty shop, when? But dear You know I'm making the keynote address at the bankers' convention.
All right, darling, I'll cut it short.
Will you stay out of here, you nut! Oh, I'm sorry, I, I thought it was someone else.
I'm terribly upset today.
That's why we is all pitching in to help.
Elly here is gonna take Miss Jane's place while Granny gets her well.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
It's no more than any neighbor would do.
Well, I-I do appreciate your kindness.
I'm running late, so please make yourself comfortable.
See you later.
Oh, Mr.
Drysdale, here's your speech.
Oh, I did forget it, didn't I? - Thank you, Jethro.
- You're welcome.
Well, good-bye all, and thanks again.
- Bye.
- Bye.
He's gone, Pa.
Reckon you in charge, now.
Are you going to take his place, Uncle Jed? Sure gonna try.
Set down to your desk and go to bankin'.
I want to see how you do it.
Me, too.
Are you banking yet, Pa? Well, I reckon not, Elly.
I'm just, uh, waitin' to bank.
How do you do it, Uncle Jed? Well, according to Mr.
Drysdale, banking is mostly giving people money when they need it.
I'll get it, Pa.
That's what a secretary's supposed to do.
Howdy, this here is Mr.
Drysdale's office.
But Mr.
Clampett's in charge now.
Yes, sir, you bet you can.
Howdy there.
You need money? Well, come right on over and get it.
Hot diggety! He's bankin' now, Elly May! Come in, Miss Northcross.
Gee, Mr.
Billington! Just call me Bob, doll.
Is this gonna be my new office, Bob Doll? It could be, honey.
I've been speaking to Milburn about you.
Milburn? The president, baby, the president.
Oh, Mr.
Drysdale! Attagirl, oink.
Oink? Just a term of affection, doll, that means I'm a hog about you.
Well, that's cute.
I think.
Swell, now listen, about tonight.
This apartment where you live, uh, can you cook there? I don't know, I've never tried.
You got a stove? I think so.
Well, how about a can opener? Oh, I know we've got one of those.
I used it the other night to open a bottle of wave set when we did our hair.
We? Mother and me.
Your mother lives with you? No, I live with her.
"Rescuing the army of American citizens from the Dunkirk of financial difficulty.
" "Let us take them aboard.
" That's enough, Jethro.
No wonder Mr.
Drysdale needed hisself a speech writer.
That's pitiful.
I didn't understand it.
Me neither, and I'm a banker.
Well, I reckon I'd best get out to Miss Hathaway's desk.
I ain't sure I know what to do.
Well, just watch the others, Elly, and do like them.
That's the way we learn.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Now listen, honey.
Is your mother gonna be home tonight? Uh-huh, we're going to set our hair again.
Well, hello there! Hello, there! She's sitting at my desk! Get lost, honey, huh? But Bob Doll! - Mr.
- Well, Mr.
Billington, you Wait in the vault! Well, what about tonight? Can I tell Mom you're coming by? Not tonight, honey.
I don't need my hair set.
This is gonna be wild! Tell me something, you don't live with your mother, do you? No, sir, do you? No, sir! What's your name? Elly May Clampett.
Well, there it is, Elly, and you may clamp it.
You don't by any chance wrestle at night, do you? Oh, I like to wrestle any time.
Well, scoobee doo.
Well, scoobee doo! You want to wrestle now? Uh, later, baby, later.
Uh, listen, suppose I drop over to your place tonight.
Well, fine.
You haven't got a roommate, have you? No sir, I got a room all to myself.
Now listen, here's the action.
I swing by your pad about 7:00, I bring some bossa nova records, and we trample a few grapes, huh? Then we blast off to the local coffee shop, one where they don't hit me for too much bread.
Then we swing back to your pad for a little moon orbit.
Do you dig? Oh, yes, sir! Crazy.
Whenever Pa goes fishin'.
What? I dig his worms.
You wouldn't put me on, would you? Why sure? Jethro! I ain't tall enough to put you on myself, but Jethro can do it.
What is this? Who's Jethro? Yeah, Elly May? Uh, this little fella wants to be put on something.
Where do you want me to put you, little fella? Oh, I'd like to be put on your list of friends.
Drysdale's office, but he ain't here.
I got it, Elly May.
Howdy there, this is Jed Clampett speaking.
Can I do some banking for you? Oh, howdy, Mrs.
You want to get picked up over to the beauty shop? Well, I can send Jethro right over in the truck.
No, your husband ain't here.
He's over to the bankers' convention making a speech Jethro give him.
And now, gentlemen, it's with a great deal of pleasure than introduce our keynote speaker.
The distinguished president of the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, Mr.
Milburn Drysdale.
Fellow bankers.
"Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation.
" Well, now.
Some-some of you seem to be amused, because I have chosen the humble words of Abraham Lincoln to keynote this convention.
But those of you who understand banking at its highest level will understand the significance of these words as I say, "Conceived in liberty, "and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
" Pa, this here is Mr.
Wilson, the man that called you about borrowing money.
Well, howdy there, Mr.
I'm pleasured to meet you.
Sit down a spell.
Oh, thank you, thank you sir.
Hey, uh, have a smoke? Uh, yes, thank you.
Elly May, maybe Mr.
Wilson'd like a nice cold pitcher of spring water, or some coffee or tea or something.
Would you, Mr.
Wilson? No, no, thanks, young lady.
You look all tuckered out.
Yes, I am.
I've been going from bank to bank trying to borrow some money.
Ah, didn't they have none? Well, none that they wanted to loan me.
You see, Mr.
Clampett, my chicken ranch is mortgaged to the hilt.
I have no credit, no collateral.
I need money to buy feed.
Well, we got a vault full of it.
How much money you need? See, if I just had enough Are you kidding me? Elly May, take him out to the vault and show him the money.
Oh, no, no.
Would you really lend me the money? Well, that's what banks is for, ain't it? Well, well, yes, but I-'m poor I have no security.
No shame being poor, long as you're honest.
How do you know I'm honest? Well, if you wasn't, you'd be telling me about how much you got instead of how much you ain't got.
Clampett, I-I've never met a banker like you before.
Oh, shucks, Mr.
Drysdale can out-bank me any day of the week.
He must be a wonderful man.
You bet he is.
The best banker around here.
Now, how much money would you like to have? Well, sir, I, uh I really need $5,000, but I can squeeze by on three or four.
Elly May, go fetch this man $5,000.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Bring him a cup of that cider that Granny sent down to ward off sick benefits.
Dog it if he don't look like he's coming down with it.
Okay, Pa.
Now, for my secret yarb.
What is your secret yarb, Granny? Oh, I dasn't tell you, Jethro.
Why, if that was to ever fall into the hands of the enemy, the North could win the war.
I told you, Granny, they done won it! No such thing.
We's just layin' back lettin' them think they did.
One of these days when they ain't looking We's gonna jump them! You gotta believe me! The South done got whupped.
You go cut me a hickory switch and meet me in the woodshed, and I'll show you who got whupped.
That's another thing I keep tellin' ya.
We ain't got no hickory tree, and no woodshed.
That's right.
I guess I'm getting old and feeble.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, open your mouth, close your eyes.
Granny's gonna give you a little surprise.
Oh, good! Swallow that.
That'll keep you well and learn you not to talk Yankee nonsense.
Hey, doll, I hear some square put the bite on your old man for a gang of bread.
What? Well, he laid 5,000 on him.
Oh, you mean Mr.
That's the cat.
How'd he get it? Well, he told Pa he needed it for his chickens.
You're kidding! What would chickens do with all that money? It was for Mr.
Wilson to buy feed.
He's got a chicken ranch.
And your dad gave him 5,000 for chicken feed? Why, sure, Pa's got 35 million.
35 million? And he likes folks that raises critters.
Do you think he's got time to see a young critter raiser? Why sure, go on in.
I'll dig you later.
Uh, Mr.
Clampett, sir, my name's Bob Billington, and your lovely daughter told me that you could spare me a few moments of your valuable time.
You bet I will, young fella.
What's on your mind? Well, sir, I work here at the bank, but my heart's back on the ranch.
The chicken ranch, that is.
Or was, till I lost all of my chickens.
Sweet little critters.
How'd you lose them? Well, sir, I'm not sure.
Must woke up one morning and they were gone.
I guess one of them left the gate open or something.
What kind of chickens were they? Just regular kind, you know with the wings, and the feathers, and those crazy-looking feet.
Clampett, if I could just borrow $10,000.
Then I could get back into the business that I love: raising chickens.
I see.
Uh, how many chickens you want to start with? Oh, about $10,000 worth.
How many roosters? Oh, no roosters, just chickens.
These days, you got to specialize.
Elly May.
Oh, howdy, Mr.
Drysdale, how was your speech? Sensational.
The high point of the convention.
Oh, listen, did a man named Wilson come in here to borrow some money? Yes, sir, and Pa gave him $5,0000.
Oh, bless him, that's what did it.
Did what? Got me named "Banker of the Year".
They're putting a plaque in the lobby calling this "The Bank with a Heart".
How come? Well, six banks were secretly nominated for the honor.
Wilson went to each bank, and this is the only one that gave him money.
Well, that poor man needed it.
Ha, Wilson? He's the biggest poultry rancher in the world.
And a stockholder in all six banks.
Oh, is your wonderful father still in there? Yes, sir.
How about it, Mr.
Clampett? I'm going to give you just what you need.
Great! Lay it on me.
A little advice.
Get back to your job and forget about chickens.
You were born to command, sir.
The voice of authority, the greatest I've ever heard.
What about me? You are the only one who cuts him, Skipper.
What? What a privilege it is for a young fellow like me to see two great leaders together.
It's a summit meeting, recreated.
Out! Out of my office, out of my bank! You're fired! You're an irresponsible loafer.
May I give you as a reference, sir? Out! Pleasure having served under your command, sir.
Granny, this here is Mr.
Billington, and he wants to court me.
That true, young feller? It ever-lovin' is, Granny.
And you got sick benefits? I'm loaded with them.
Open your mouth and close your eyes, and Granny'“ give you a “me surprise.
Swallow this.
Hey, you know something? When I was in the Navy, I tasted some jungle juice on Okinawa! Good-lookin' young feller.
Good dancer, too! I reckon that's the new dance he's been wanting to teach me.
It's called the Bossy Nova.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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