The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e36 Episode Script

Jethro's Friend

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Granny, you out here? I'm over here, Jed.
Granny, is that you? Shucks no, Jed.
I got prettier feet than that.
Prettier drumsticks, too.
Well, them is them fancy towels that Mr.
Drysdale gave us.
Yeah, he says they're beach towels.
But we use them right here.
Granny, we got company comin' and I reckon you'd like to get some vittles going.
Who's coming? Well, uh, one of them rich, high society Beverly Hills fellas name of, uh, Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Third what? Third Armstrong Deuser McHugh, I reckon.
You mean to tell me that them McHughs named all three of their younguns the same name? Reckon that's it.
Well, it's none of my business, but dogged if I can see where Armstrong Deuser is such a good name.
Yeah, kind of confusing, too.
I reckon that's why they call them first, second and third.
How'd this feller get acquainted with us? Well, uh, he ain't yet.
Jethro invited him over here to meet us, but between you and me, I think it's Elly May he wants to meet.
Yeah, Jethro's always braggin' about his pretty cousin.
I told her there's a feller comin' over to meet her and she promised to put on her prettiest dress.
Well, when that Armstrong Deuser gets a look at Elly, he's gonna forget what number he is.
Pa? Over here, Elly.
Elly May Clampett, there is a feller comin' to see you.
Well, what's wrong, Pa? I put on my prettiest dress.
Elly May.
Elly May, look at your feet.
Ain't got no shoes on.
Well I'll go put them on.
Come back, Elly May.
I just can't think of no quicker way to kill a romance than to meet a feller totin' a skunk in your arm.
Jed, Jed! Here he comes! Is this the Clampett residence? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
He's older than I figured.
And wearing a uniform.
Jethro didn't say he was in the Army.
It's all right, Jed; it's Confederate gray.
Well, howdy there, I'm Jed Clampett.
This here is Granny, and I reckon you must be Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Oh, no, sir.
- The second? - Uh, no, ma'am.
That explains him being older.
He's the first.
Jethro, Armstrong's here.
Sir, you don't understand.
Excuse me.
Clampett, I am Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Well, howdy there, Armstrong.
I'm afeared you're a mite young for Elly.
Sir, I'm here to play with Jethro.
We're classmates in the fifth grade.
Uh, Granny shake hands with Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Howdy, Third.
I am delighted to make your acquaintance.
Mighty big spread of years between the first and the third.
Appears to me the second would be just about right for Elly.
Hey, little Deusy! Big Jethro! Oh please sir, please! Mr.
Armstrong is very delicate.
Jethro won't hurt me, he's my friend.
But you might get a nosebleed at that altitude.
Master Armstrong is under the care of several specialists.
He's very sickly.
Wilkins, please.
Last week, we had nurses around the clock.
He even got a sick clock.
Uh, Master Armstrong, please, you're not to get excited.
Would you like a tranquilizer? No.
Come on, everybody, let's go in the house.
I got some vittles cookin'.
One moment, please.
I must go into the house before Master Armstrong.
I'm sorry about Wilkins, but he has his orders.
What in the Sam Hill are you doin'? This is an allergy spray.
We ain't got no allergies.
Armstrong has several.
Then spray him.
Madame, you don't understand.
This spray settles the dust in the room.
Dust in my house? Why, if you weren't wearin' the uniform that I dearly love, I'd ram this down your throat and reach in and push the button.
Now, Granny, calm down.
Well, I just mopped and cleaned in here, just this morning.
Madame, the air is filled with minute particles, invisible to the naked eye.
I don't see them.
Hope you brought your swimsuit, little Deusy, we got a dandy big cement pond here.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't know how to swim.
Oh, Jethro'll learn ya.
- Sure.
- No, no! Master Armstrong's not allowed in the water.
No wonder he's got all them allergies.
A good hot bath with lye soap, that's what he needs.
Lye soap? Master Armstrong, I don't think I should leave you here.
Please, Wilkins.
Well, I'll take your temperature and blood pressure before I go.
No, Wilkins, I feel fine.
Oh, very well.
With whom shall I leave the young master's schedule on rest, diet, medication and telephone numbers of doctors.
Well, if it's anything to do with doctors, Granny here is the best.
Very well, here you are.
Now then, antihistamine pills, tranquilizers, acid pills, anti-acid pills, vitamins, iron, liver, yeast extract, antibiotics.
Open up, Master Armstrong, it's time for your throat spray.
Just a precautionary measure to see that he fights off the respiratory virus.
If that rascal comes around here, I'll fight him.
Over to school, all the big fellas is always pickin' on little Deusy.
But not when Jethro's around.
Oh, I almost forgot, the oxygen tent is in the car.
Where shall I set it up? Tent? Uh, yes sir.
Master Armstrong usually spends an hour a day in it.
Ah, you like campin', do you? I'll say he does, he's happy as a itchy pig rubbing against a rail fence.
Speaking of pigs, I've got some hog jowls stewin', and a possum pie in the oven for this little feller's lunch.
Come on.
Hog jowls? Possum pie? Do you intend to feed those things to Master Armstrong? Why, don't he eat that good at home? Oh, he has an extremely delicate digestive system.
At present he's on a diet of special Swiss yogurt.
We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
Jethro, get out your rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Oh, and I'll take little Deusy along to make sure I shoot the right kind.
I reckon Granny'll know how to cook it when she sees it.
Does it run or fly? Neither.
Yogurt is inanimate.
It just, uh, lies there.
Ain't gonna be much sport to shoot, Jethro.
That's a fact.
Hi, has anybody seen little Charlie? A dog! Go away.
Master Armstrong's allergic to all animals.
Elly! Charlie got in the kitchen again! Aah! Skunk! Oh, city feller, I wouldn't do that if I was you.
He might just return the favor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've all finished.
Go right ahead and chuck it in there, young feller.
Looks like you could use a little fattenin' up.
That's a fact.
I've throwed away chicken bones with more meat on them than he's got.
You want some more, little Deusy? Oh, no thank you.
It was most delicious.
I'd like to tell Chef how to make that.
Who's Chef? Oh, he's the feller that does the cooking over at Deusy's house.
A man in the kitchen? Yeah, Granny.
You ought to see him.
Cooks in a great big white hat.
Well, the first thing to tell him to do is to get rid of that hat and do his cookin' in a pot.
Well, how come your ma don't do the cooking, little Deusy? Who? Your Ma.
Oh, Mother.
I don't believe she knows where the kitchen is.
On her rare visits home, I've never seen her there.
She visits home? My mother and father spend most of their time traveling.
Oh, drummers, huh? What do they sell? Oh, they don't work.
They just travel.
How come? I really don't know.
I imagine they enjoy it.
Well, don't you miss your ma and pa? Oh, they write to me regularly, every month or two.
I have a marvelous collection of foreign stamps.
And they always telephone me on my birthday.
That's right friendly of them.
Who looks after you, little Deusy? Oh, mostly the governess.
Governess? She's married to Wilkins.
Did you hear that, Granny? That fella that brung him over here is the governor.
That still don't give him no right to tell me I got dust in my house.
Say, you folks have so much fun.
I never even laugh at home.
Well, little feller, anytime you feel like bustin' out laughing, you come right on over.
Excuse me.
Come on, little Deusy.
You promised to help me with my homework.
He's the smartest kid in school.
Oh, I'd rather be able to swim and climb trees like you.
Well, you help me with history, and I'll teach you to swim and tree-climb.
And I'll learn you rassling, so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Oh, I'd like that.
And perhaps I could assist you in some subject.
How about English? Thank you, little Deusy, but I done been learned to talk that.
Kind of got a hankering for history, though.
What you studying in that? At present, we're on the Civil War.
You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans? Well, you boys can run along now.
You're excused.
Just a minute, sonny.
Who'd they learn you won that war? Granny, these boys got studying to do.
I want an answer to my question.
We is paying school taxes.
And I want to know that they're learnin' our younguns the truth.
Now, who did they say won? The North or the South? Oh, I wish I was in Dixie, down South, the South Hush up, Jed, I can't hear the boy's answer.
Why, madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious armies of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E.
Lee, were never really defeated.
Hallelujah, stay for supper! Come along, Jethro.
Hey, little Deusy, didn't our history teacher over the school say that Oh, I wish I was in Dixie, down South, down South Smart little feller.
But I got to learn him the right words to Dixie.
I spoke to young Master Armstrong, and he told me to tell you that he ain't ready to go home yet.
He's having too much fun.
He's not permitted to have fun.
It's bad for his blood pressure.
Well, I'll tell him when he comes down out of the top of that tree.
He's in a tree? Say, that little rascal can climb like a squirrel.
Soon as his hands get toughened up, he'll be as good as Elly May.
I insist upon taking him home immediately.
I told you, he don't want to go home yet.
That makes no difference He's going! Hold on a minute.
I don't want to tangle with no soldier in the Confederate gray.
This is not a Confederate uniform.
Now remove your hand and lead me to Master Armstrong.
And if'n I don't? I'll have to take him by force.
Is that a fact? Like Grant took Richmond.
What did you say? I shall take him like Grant took Richmond.
That's what I thought you said.
I'll be back.
Well, you better bring Grant with ya.
And his whole army! But operator, I must talk to Mr.
and Mrs.
Have you tried Rome? Paris? How about Zurich? Well, try Zermatt.
Maybe they're climbing the Matterhorn.
Well, well, try anyway.
Maybe their hotel has a long extension cord.
Operator, this is urgent.
I thought I told you to skedaddle.
Call me back.
My area code is 417, zone 328, and this is mobile 089-303-52.
Never mind.
I'll call you.
Granny, you didn't take a gun to the governor, did you? He ain't no governor.
He ain't even a Confederate.
And what's more, he ain't got all his troops.
You mean he's tetched? He was a-sittin' in his automobile, pretending to be talking on a telephone.
I wonder how come so many of them kind seem to wind up out here in Californy.
Sorry to interrupt, Chief, but Wilkins here has an urgent problem concerning young Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Well, what is it? Well, to fill you in, Chief, Armstrong Deuser McHugh III's father, Armstrong Deuser McHugh II, has appointed the bank executor of his will, administrator of his estate, and guardian of Armstrong Deuser McHugh III in case something should happen to Mr.
and Mrs.
Armstrong Deuser McHugh II.
And that is why Wilkins here, and very wisely, has come to you in this crisis.
What is the crisis? I forgot.
Oh, yes.
Uh, young Master Armstrong is being held a prisoner.
Call the FBI.
Do you know who has him? A hillbilly family called the Clampetts.
Edgar Hoover, please.
Never mind, hang up.
Wilkins, the Clampetts are my next-door neighbors, my largest depositors and my personal friends.
And the very salts of the earth.
Sorry, Chief.
But Mr.
Drysdale, young Master Armstrong is extremely frail and delicate, and the Clampetts refuse to give him the proper food or rest or medication.
They're exposing him to great danger.
Get the Clampetts on the phone.
They won't harm the boy.
But I'm afraid they already have.
They've got him climbing trees and, why, and eating possum pie.
But, they're violent people! Granny threatened me with a shotgun.
What did you say about the South? The south what? Hello, Granny, Jane Hathaway here.
Could you call young Armstrong Deuser McHugh III to the telephone? I don't hardly think so.
He went out to the cement pond to swim.
Thank you, Granny.
Nothing to worry about.
Master Armstrong has been swimming.
But he doesn't know how to swim.
But, Jethro, I don't know how to swim.
Oh, don't let that worry you, little Deusy.
We can learn anybody.
Why, Elly May even learned her cat.
Come on, Rusty.
Look there.
Come on, Rusty.
Did you have a good swim? See, little Deusy? There's nothing to it.
Now, you just watch me and do as I do.
Come on, little Deusy.
I'm afraid, Jethro! You got nothin' to be afraid of.
Why, Elly May is right here.
And Rusty, too.
I'll do it, if big Jethro commands me to.
Big Jethro says dive in and swim! Look, Jethro, I'm swimming! You sure are, little Deusy! You just done swum right out of your swimmin' suit! Nice and soft here, so nobody won't get hurt none.
Can you really teach me to defend myself against those big bullies at school? You bet ya! Now come at me like you're fixing to hurt me.
I really ought to learn you on someone bigger than myself.
Pool Man! Yes, Miss Clampett? Would you help us out for a minute, please? Why, certainly.
What can I do for you? Well, I'm trying to learn this here young fella how to protect himself.
Now you come at me like you're fixing to hurt me.
Well, I don't think I'd better.
I was in the Marines, you know, and they taught us some pretty rough tactics Aaah! By any chance, were you in the Third Battalion? Try that, little Deuser.
It works! I'll tell you what you can do.
You whittle yourself a whole bunch of these, different sizes, tie them together side by each, and play a real tune.
Bu“ don't have a knife, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
If you promise to handle it real careful, like I showed you, safety first, don't cut yourself, you can have this one.
Gee, thank you, Uncle Jed.
You know, by rights, I ain't your Uncle Jed, just Jethro's.
Oh, yes, I'm sorry Mr.
Seeing as how you're such a good friend of Jethro's, you can call me Uncle Jed.
Now remember, Third, you got to keep your eye on the cork.
When the cork starts bobbing around in the water, then you know that a fish is nosing around the bait.
Then, when the cork all of a sudden ducks under the water, then you know old Mr.
Fish has grabbed the bait, and you pull him out.
Can I hold the line, Mrs.
Granny? Sure, you might as well get the feel of it.
I caught something! Aww, you couldn't have, there's nothing in there.
It felt like a whale, help me! I figured I'd let little Deusy see what it was like to catch a big old catfish.
You hold it kind of loose this way, bring your arm back, and just as you let it fly, you give it a little spin.
Now watch.
Perfect ringer, Uncle Jed! Yeah.
Now, uh, you try.
Now you see how handy it is to be able to climb a tree? Now, be of good cheer, Wilkins.
I am confident that we shall find everything here in possum pie apple pie order.
Howdy, Mr.
Well, Miss Jane, Mr.
Wilkins, come on in.
Gonna bake a tater pie, to give to little Deus And it'll taste so good His toes will curl up in his shoes To make a tater pie, it takes a lot of possum fat I don't think that feller Chef can make it in his hat.
Evening, Granny.
Hello, Granny.
Thought I told you to secede from these parts.
Now, Granny.
Madame, I demand to see Master Armstrong immediately.
Shh! Don't wake him up.
He's taking his nap.
There, you see? He's getting his rest.
Needs it, too.
Poor little feller's all tuckered out.
Which bedroom is he in? He's nappin' right out there in the sun.
The sun?! His skin is far too sensitive to be exposed to ultra-violet rays! He's allergic to animals.
Wilkins, I'm not going home! I feel fine! You're coming home and have an antiseptic bath and then spend an hour in your oxygen tank.
Wilkins, I'm not going.
Then I'll take you by force.
You will? Like Grant took Richmond.
Master Armstrong! I'll call you when I need you.
Uh Go away.
Scat! Scat! I wouldn't do that if I was I tried to tell him.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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