The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e01 Episode Script

Jed Gets the Misery

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a bubbling crude Oil that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Elly May, Jethro! Jethro? Elly May, come a' running.
Fetch my medicine.
Heat the water.
Jed's got the misery.
Elly Mae! Jethro! Granny! He's sinking fast.
Granny! Quiet down.
I ain't as sick as all that! You get back into your bed and stay there! All right, I'll do it if you just calm down.
I'm calm! Now you do as I tell you! You're a sick man.
You're deathly sick! All right, all right.
Hurry, Elly, come quick.
Uncle Jed's sick! I'm coming.
What can I do to help, Granny? You can get them varmints and them critters out of here.
Don't you know your pa is sick? Yes, ma'am, Granny, but don't worry.
They won't catch nothing.
Get 'em out of here! Get 'em out.
Jethro, you go get me a mud dauber's nest, some retch weed, some dogbane, some stump water, and dried, uh, beetles and some lizard eggs.
I got doctoring to do.
I ain't never knowed Pa to be sick before.
That man's never ailed a day in his life.
What you reckon it is? City living, that's what it is.
There ain't enough outdoors for a mountain man like Jed.
They keep filling it up with buildings.
First thing you know, all the outdoors is gonna be indoors.
Granny! What in tarnation?! I couldn't find no stump water, Granny, so I dug this up.
Now you can make your own.
Jethro, don't you know that stump water has got to set in the stump to green up for 30 to 40 days in order to get any power? Now, give Elly the retch weed and get this mess out of here.
I couldn't find no retch weed, nor dogbane, neither.
Couldn't find no lizard eggs, nor dried beetles.
How can you be a doctor in Beverly Hills without the proper medicine? Well, what'll we do? How we gonna get Pa well? Well, I'll have to make do with some old-fashioned remedies.
Now you go up and set with your pa, and let me know if he goes to sinking.
Yes'm, Granny.
Well, what do you want me to do? Get this stump out of here! And don't make any noise.
Don't you know that your Uncle Jed is at death's door? Blooey! Got him, Duke.
Nice, big, fat honker flying south.
Blooey! Got us another one.
We gonna have goose and dumplings tonight! Pa? Just a minute, Elly.
Come in! I mean, uh come in.
Pa? Pa, I'm terrible worried! You ain't never been sick before.
Oh, don't you worry, Elly.
Ain't nobody better at doctoring than Granny.
But, Pa, Granny can't find the proper medicine, and you might sink away and pass before she can save you! No, no, Granny'll pull me through.
I'm scared for you, Pa! Now, now, Elly, don't go to crying.
Look, if you can keep a secret, I'll tell you the truth.
I ain't really sick.
I'm just pretending for your granny's sake.
What you mean? Well, remember back home, how folks was always coming over to our place to let Granny doctor 'em? Yeah.
Remember how happy it made Granny? Yeah, especially if one of 'em got better.
That's right.
But folks out here got city doctors, and they don't need Granny, and she misses it something terrible.
You reckon that's why she's been so down-in-the-mouth here lately? Course! You should have seen her when I told her I was ailing.
Why, she commenced to bouncing and jumping around, worrying about me being at death's door.
I ain't seen her so happy in a year! Hold on, Jed, I'm a' coming.
Hurry with my medicine, Jethro.
Jed, I don't want to worry you, but you're a awful sick man! Granny? Shh.
Save your strength.
Your wrinkling awful fast.
Granny, your specs is all steamed up.
That's Duke.
Well, get him off the bed! Jed, I don't want to worry you, but you're a awful sick man.
I know it, Granny, but if anybody can save me, it's you.
That's the truth.
Ain't nobody can doctor like you.
It ain't no credit to me.
I was born with the gift.
Here's your medicine, Granny.
Hey, Uncle Jed, you don't look sick to me.
Hey, come on, let's you and me go hunting.
Come on.
Look, see, Granny he's dressed to go hunting now.
I'm ashamed of you! Now, Granny, I Don't you know that every mountain man wants to go to his reward with his boots on and his gun at his side? Now, cover him up.
Not all the way! He ain't gone yet! And I ain't gonna let you go, Jed.
Thank you, Granny.
Now, let's get busy.
Jethro, get my medical tray on set it on the bed.
Yes, Granny.
Elly May, shut the door and the windows.
We got to trap them city germs that's in here and commence to fighting 'em! Yes'm, Granny.
Jethro, drop this in my boiling water, and get my vapors to fusilating.
This is a make-do remedy, Jed, because Jethro couldn't get me any stump water, dogbane, or lizard eggs.
Uh, what is it you're fixing to give me, Granny? Brand new, Jed.
It's in the trying-out stages.
Who have you tried it out on? Well, no human beings yet.
But I did give it to that big black bear that used to come around the old cabin honey-stealing all the time.
By doggies, I believe that's his hide hanging there.
Hey! Here, Elly, light the fumigating candles.
Jethro, start a fire and throw some of that skunk weed on it.
I'll put them germs down with my putting-down powder! Nothing can live through this, Jed.
I believe you, Granny.
Boy, Granny, you sure are giving them city germs what for.
Betwixt the fusilating vapors, fumigating candles and putting-down powders, them germs has got to give up.
I'm gonna save that poor, sick, miserable, frail old man, or my name ain't Doctor.
Granny?! Granny! You get back to bed, you poor, sick, miserable, frail old man.
Granny, I can't breathe.
That's why I'm doctoring you, you darn fool! Now get! Granny, will you listen for a minute? You get back to bed.
Don't you know that you're at death's door? Don't hurt him, Granny! I'll take a club to him if he don't lay down like I tell him to.
Go fetch my shoes.
Two, three, four, hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Well, Howdy, Mr.
Oh, good morning, Elly May.
What you doing? Well, I'm taking my morning constitutional.
You are? Yes.
It's got me in the best shape since my army days! Here, feel that.
And they say bankers are soft, eh? Well, you sure are nice and soft.
Maybe by mountain standards I'm no Tarzan, but I assure you my Beverly Hills physician is going to be amazed when he examines me this morning.
How come? Because of my condition! You know, every every morning, I walk all the way from my front door, across your lawn, and over to that birdbath.
Why? Ain't you got no place to wash up? How's your father? Well, right now, he's trying to get Granny cheered up.
She's been missing the hills back home something awful! Oh, what's the matter? Is something wrong? Well, you see, back home, folks was always coming to Granny for doctoring.
Nothing pleasures her like telling folks what ails 'em and what to do about it.
Well, I'll do my bit.
Granny, Mr.
Drysdale wants to talk to you.
Yes, Granny, I need your advice and your help.
He's ailing, Granny, feeling right poorly.
Stick out your tongue.
It's them city germs.
Yes, I agree.
Now, can you help me? I'm probably the only one who can.
Jethro, get him up to the sick room and see that he gets to bed right away.
No, no, I don't have time for that.
Just a little poultice or something I can take with me to the office.
Get him up to bed, Jethro.
No, really, it's not that serious.
Besides, I have an examination at 10:00.
You'll be examined when I get around to you! Now, get him up to bed, Jethro! Yes, Granny.
Then you go find me some stump water! Wait, stop! Put me down! I haven't got time for this.
I've got to get down Mewly patients, no stump water.
It ain't easy being a doctor in Beverly Hills.
All right, thank you, Mrs.
I'll try there.
She thinks he may have stopped at the Clampetts, next door.
You're going to be amazed when you examine the chief.
I am? He's in splendid physical condition.
Been walking every morning.
To the bank? No, to the neighbor's birdbath, but it's a nice little jaunt.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Most bankers are soft as marshmallows.
Until you try to borrow money from them.
Oh, hello, Granny.
Jane Hathaway here.
Is Mr.
Drysdale there? May I sp? What?! Sick in bed? At your house? Well, I'll send his doctor right over.
What's that?! I said he's already got the best doctor in Beverly Hills! Now, excuse me, I'm too busy to talk! She says he already has the best doctor in Beverly Hills.
I better get over there right away.
Best doctor in Beverly Hills? How can there be two of us? Pa, it's me, Elly.
Come in.
Drysdale! What are you doing up here? A funny thing happened to me on my way to the birdbath! Granny will be up here directly to give you some more medicine.
Oh, no, not me! I'm getting out of here! Elly May, leave the room! What What did Jethro do with my clothes? Well, he gave them to Granny to have them fumigated.
Well, clothes or no clothes, I am leaving.
You ain't got no chance of getting down them steps.
Granny watches them like a hawk.
Let's go take a look out the window.
Oh, it's pretty far to jump.
Well, maybe you can make it to the limb of that tree yonder.
I'm in pretty good shape, but not that good! Shut that window! I just had these germs put down, and now you opened the window and let them in again.
Well, Granny, Mr.
Drysdale feels pretty good.
I think maybe he's well.
You get back to bed! Oh, no, no, he's-he's right, Granny.
I-I feel wonderful, perfectly marvelous! 'Course you do! I been doctoring you.
Oh, and you're sensational! You know, you've made me well? I had you well.
Then you opened that window and breathed in some more germs.
Oh, no, I didn't, honest, honest.
I opened the window, but but I didn't breathe! Oh, I swear it! I held my breath, didn't I, Mr.
Clampett? Well, Granny, I swear I ain't actually seen him take a breath in five or ten minutes.
Lung lock! What? That got him breathin'.
But he's still wheezing an awful lot! You get into bed! - Get into bed! - Granny, I've got to get to the bank.
You've got to get into bed! No, really, I can't.
Don't you know that your life is hanging by a thread? Get into bed! Get into bed.
Get in that bed, you durn fool, and lie down! Now, this calls for a different kind of medicine.
I'm going down to the kitchen and whop it up.
Neither one of you get a foot out of that bed, you hear me? You just lay there and listen to that music.
And be glad it ain't harps you're hearing! Well, howdy there! I knowed somebody was coming the minute I heard that music! Is this the Clampett residence? Oh, yes, sir.
I'd like to see the doctor that's taking care of Mr.
Oh, yes, sir, come right in! Hey, Granny, word's getting around.
Here's another one! Howdy! How do you do? Well, I see you've got your things with you.
You figuring on staying for a while? As long as necessary.
Praise be! Here's one that understands that great doctoring takes a little time! Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, what do you reckon the problem is? Well, I won't know until I've had a consultation and my own examination is completed.
We're gonna get along just fine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, may I be taken to the sick room? Oh, did you hear that, Jethro? Ain't he a joy? He sure is, Granny.
You make doctoring a real pleasure! Thank you.
Thank you! Now, take him up to the sick room, Jethro.
I got work to do in the kitchen.
I'll be up to see you directly.
Oh, now, you don't have to climb those stairs again.
I'll come out to the kitchen and see you there.
Lord love you, you're so nice you about got me to bawling.
But don't you worry.
If great doctoring can do it, we'll come through as good as new! Thank you! Thank you! What a lovely little woman! She sure is.
Hey, this way to the sick room.
Hey, what you got in that there little bag? Everything I'll need, I'm sure.
Well, that's good, 'cause we's running low on nightshirts.
Puccoon root.
Snake wort.
Poke berries.
Stump water.
Ain't got none, Granny.
Corn squeezin's.
Granny, you know that last patient that was so nice? Yeah.
Well, he weren't so nice when I asked him to take off his clothes.
Why, what happened? Well, he commenced to bucking like a steer, kept yelling for the doctor! But I knowed you was busy so I just put him to bed and locked the door.
Thank you, Jethro.
Let's hurry, Elly, I gotta pull 'em three back from the brink of the grave! Lizard eggs.
Ain't got none, Granny.
I forgot 'em.
Well, give me some gunpowder.
Sometimes that works just as good.
Ow, Elly! Careful.
Three ailing is enough.
Either one of you fellas know any funny stories? Well, the good doctor there usually regales his patients with a few of the latest.
How 'bout it, Doc? All right.
Have you heard the one about the busy doctor who made a house call, was seized, forcibly undressed and thrown into bed? No.
What happened? Well, his patient was a rich banker.
So this busy doctor doubled his fee! And if he has to stay locked up here much longer, he's gonna triple it! I didn't ask you to come here.
But if you're going to charge me, then you're by George you're going to examine me! So, get your bag of tinker toys and get at it! Show a little more respect for the dignity of the medical profession, shall we? Hey, what's this a rubber hammer? Yes.
Well, I see where it'd nice and quiet.
But I don't see how you'd drive any nails with it.
I don't use it for nails.
Oh, good.
What's that thing? This is a stethoscope.
With it, I can listen to the patient's heart and lungs.
Like this.
Ooh, it's cold.
What'd you say? I say it's cold! Jethro, how's Mr.
Drysdale? Did the doctor treat him? Oh, yeah.
But there's terrible trouble, Miss Jane! That last batch of medicine blew up and pretty near ruined the whole kitchen! The medicine blew up? Well, yeah.
Granny said it was mixi" the corn squeezin's and the gunpowder that did it.
Jethro, would you please explain what you are talking about? I haven't got time now, Miss Jane.
There's three sick men laying upstairs in bed and I got to get these things sharpened so Granny can go to cutting on 'em! Cutting! Well, yeah.
Without we got no medicine, this is the only thing that'll save 'em! Jethro, try to be calm, now.
Is Mr.
Drysdale one of the men that Granny's going to cut on? Well, yeah.
Drysdale, Uncle Jed, and the fella that came last, by the name of Clyburn.
The doctor? Yeah.
You'll have to wait your turn.
I gotta get upstairs and commence whacking on them three men that I got up there.
Bring my tools, Jethro.
No! Granny, I will not let you do it! Now, I-I've had enough fighting with mewly patients more than I can take today! Now, Elly May, you get her out of the way and keep her out! Sorry, Miss Jane.
Jethro, you come with me.
I don't think Jed will put up a scrap, but them other two might have to be held down! Granny, please, come back.
I beg of you! I'll get to you later! I've only got two hands! Elly May, we have got to prevent Granny from operating! She ain't gonna operate, Miss Jane.
She's just gonna whack off some of their hair and fingernails.
Hair and fingernails? Then she'll dig three little holes in the ground, bury it, say some magic words, and that throws a spell on their sickness.
Say “Ah”" Ah.
Say, Doctor, I bet you he could talk a heap better if you took that stick out of his mouth.
Lock it, Jethro.
Get back in bed! You heard her.
Get back in bed.
Clean this junk off of the bed.
I got doctoring to do.
Now, look here You heard her.
Get that junk off of there.
Those are the finest medical instruments that money can buy! Thank you.
Razor sharp, too.
All right, Mr.
Drysdale, I'll commence on you.
Now, now, just a minute.
What what do you have in mind with that knife and those scissors? Well, I gotta cure you somehow.
And without medicine, there's only one way left.
Oh, no! Not me! Grab him, Jethro! Madam, I can get you any medicine you require simply by telephoning a pharmacy.
You can? And, they will deliver to your front door.
Oh, that's just dandy! I'd much rather use medicine.
It's a lot easier than cutting and snipping.
Exactly what I keep telling my surgeon friends.
Now if you'll just lead me to a telephone.
Right this way.
Ah, Childer's Pharmacy? Petey? Yeah, yeah, it's me.
Now, look, I'm gonna put this lady on, she'll tell you all the medicine she needs.
I want you to give her A-one service! Attaboy.
I'll go reassure Mr.
He seemed a little panicky.
You got a pencil to mark this down with? All right.
Now, I want a quart of good, raunchy stump water, the kind that's been aged in the wood stuff that's been setting there from 30 to 40 days and it's nice and green.
Wait a minute, that ain't all.
I want a heaping cupful of lizard eggs, a double handful of dogbane, and a couple of dozen of dried beetles and I want a mud dauber's nest, and I mean a big one.
Don't send me over one of them little two-holers.
Everything all right? He wants to talk to you.
Yeah, Petey? Now, look, I don't care what she ordered, you get it over here fast! No, this is no a gag.
Now, look, you pride yourself on having the finest supply of pharmaceutical Hello.
Hmm, he hung up.
Well, I'll call another pharmacy.
Oh, that won't do no good.
You just can't buy proper medicine here in Beverly Hills.
Jethro! Yeah, Granny? I'm gonna have to go to cutting and snipping on those three sick ones.
Oh, not me! I'm getting out of here! Get him, Jethro.
Elly May! Yes'm, Granny? Dig me three deep holes out in back! Right away, Granny! Help! Help! How do you feel, Jed? Better than brand-new! Granny, you done some doctoring in your time, but today beats all! It took a heap out of me, Jed.
Especially clipping and burying all that hair and throwing my spell, but I reckon it was worth it.
Yonder comes the living proof.
How do you feel, boys? Fine, doctor.
Oh, just fine.
Come back and see me anytime you need me.
Yes, we will.
You did take considerable hair off 'em, Granny.
Had to.
Their nails were so short.
Well, it's a small price to pay for good health.
Well, now its time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Hillbilly that is.
Set a spell.
Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode