The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e12 Episode Script

Elly Needs a Maw

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Now, you wait here.
I'll go in and see Mr.
Letter to Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick in reply to yours of the tenth, seeking capital for your contemplated housing development Mrs.
Fenwick is seeking capital? With her millions? Well, she's too smart a business woman to take the whole risk herself.
Excuse me, someone to see you.
I told you no interruptions! I told you no interruptions! Sorry, Mr.
Clampett, no interruptions.
Clampett! Well, come in, come in! Well, I don't wanna be no bother.
Oh, it's always a pleasure to see you, Mr.
Coffee for Mr.
Coffee for Mr.
You help.
Well, now, uh, don't make no fuss over me.
Oh, it's my privilege to make a fuss over you, Mr.
I was, uh, going over your account just this morning.
And do you realize that now you have almost $40 million in my bank? Well, I reckon that money of mine is gettin' to be a powerful nuisance to you.
What? Well, I'm obliged to you for storin' it here, but it seems to me like I ought to be paying you rent or somethin'.
Oh, no, no, I'm delighted to do it.
Well, that's mighty kind of you.
Now I've come to ask you another favor.
More money to store? No, I'd like you to get me one of them airplane tickets to go back home.
Oh, my pleasure home? Oh, you mean just for a little visit? No, it's more than that.
Why, what's the matter? Uh, did someone offend you? Was it my wife? Has she been shooting off her big Boston bazoo again? I'll fix her! No, no, Mr.
It wasn't that at all.
Uh, uh, everybody's been surpassin' good to us.
Uh, Elly May is the reason I want to go back to the hills.
Oh homesick, eh? Well, I tell you what.
I'll have your cabin flown out here log for log, and every tree and bush around it.
And we'll put it in your backyard.
Then, we'll dig a creek just like the one at home, and we'll stock the whole place with possums, raccoons, hound dogs, bobcats and whatever Elly wants.
She can just run wild.
But that's what I moved out here to get Elly away from.
I was hopin' you folks would turn her into a lady, but I think she's gettin' worse.
Coffee time! You're to blame for this! It was your responsibility to turn that wild girl into a lady, and you failed! What have you done now, you overdeveloped vixen? Me? No, no, not her! I'm talking about Elly May Clampett.
Now wait, Mr.
Drysdale But she Miss Jane done the best she knowed how.
Why, as a matter of fact, it was her that got Elly her first ball gown.
That's true.
By the way, I haven't seen that gown since.
What happened to it? Well, I kind of hate to tell you, but I reckon you got a right to know.
First time I seen Elly in that gown she looked like a dream a-walkin'.
But when she come back Pa, you sure was right.
Oh, hi, Granny.
You don't have to wear boys' clothes to have fun with boys.
Elly May, you promised me you wouldn't rassle.
I ain't been rasslin'.
Then what have you been doin' in your ball gown? Doin' what I'm supposed to do playin' ball! Oh, I made two touchdowns and kicked three field goals! Granny give that gown a good scrubbin' with her lye soap, and patched it, too, but it never looked quite the same after that.
Clampett we have failed you.
And when I say "we," I mean you! But Chief Don't argue with me.
What are you standing here for? There's work to be done! But I just Don't argue with me.
Feel like I'm causin' a lot of trouble for folks that ain't to blame.
Now, if you'll just get me that airplane ticket Now, now, Mr.
Clampett, we'll work on Elly May.
We'll polish her.
Now, Elly May don't take a polish real easy.
We'll have to face it, gentlemen.
Elly May is a wildcat on wheels.
Oh, you heard about this mornin', did you? Heard what? Elly bein' on wheels.
Wheels? Granny and me was havin' a cup of coffee, when all of a sudden we heard this roarin' noise.
If that's Jethro ridin' his fire-spittin' bicycle again, I'm gonna take a hickory stick to him! Thank you, Granny! Wanna go for a ride? Sweet-smellin' polecats, that was Elly May! Shut that door, Jed! I'll cut through this way and snatch her off that contraption and paddle her breeches! Granny, get out of my way! No, I whoa! Hold on, Granny, I'm comin'! I never would've caught her if she hadn't rode that thing into the cement pond.
Oh, poor Granny.
When I pulled her out, she was madder than a wet hen, and wetter, too! Right then, her and me decided that what Elly needed was a full-time ma.
You mean you're getting married? Oh, I got to, for Elly's sake.
That's the reason I need that airplane ticket.
I'm fixin' to go home and court myself a hill woman.
Well, how about a Beverly Hill woman? Oh, these fine city women wouldn't look twice at a grizzled up old mountain goat like me.
Oh, what are you talking about? Mr.
Clampett, you are one of the most eligible bachelors in this entire city.
When word gets out that JD Clampett is seeking a bride, there will be women beating down your door.
Hmm, might be a good test for 'em.
It'd take a strong one to handle Elly.
That's the reason I think I best do my courtin' back home, and the quicker the better.
No, no, no, let me take care of everything.
I guarantee I will find the woman right here in Beverly Hills and today.
Well, that's mighty nice of you.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
Chief, I am as eager as you to find Mr.
Clampett a mate locally, but should you have guaranteed to find him one today? I'm not worried.
Beside me, stalwart and true as always, I have the finest secretary in the world.
Thank you, Chief.
A loyal and dedicated girl to whom "responsibility" is a sacred word.
A girl who will never fail me when duty calls.
Thank you, Chief.
You'll make Jed Clampett a fine wife.
Me? I? You.
B-B-But, Chief, I-I'm promised to Jethro.
Oh? Who promised you? Me.
Excuse me, Mr.
Hey, what about her? She's too young for Mr.
I mean for Jethro You're for Mr.
What is it, Janet? The guard downstairs just phoned to say that Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick is on her way up to see you.
Oh, yes, it must be about that new housing development she's Hey, wait a minute! She's a widow! Chief, Mrs.
Fenwick and Mr.
Clampett have absolutely nothing in common.
Are you kidding? They've got $100 million in common.
And if I can get them together, I can have it all right here in my bank.
Uh, I'm looking for the office of the president, a Mr.
Pysdale or Skysdale or something.
Oh, you're Mr.
Flysdale? At your service, madam.
Very well, Beasley.
Now bring in the maps and the blueprints.
Uh, let me take your money mink! Hey, Granny, can I ask you a favor? What is it? Next time you ride my cycle, will you please not leave it at the bottom of the cement pond? I pert near drowned tryi" to get that thing started down there! I didn't run it into the cement pond on purpose, you durned What is that? Well, this here's some of that store-bought courtin' candy I fetched for Uncle Jed.
Praise be! The quicker he gets home and courts a good, stout woman to tame that daughter of his'n, the better.
Well, I think he's fixi" to do his courti" out here.
In Beverly Hills? A city woman? I think so.
He's upstairs right now puttin' on his courtin' clothes, and he sent Elly May out to pick him some posies.
Howdy do, ma'am.
My name is Jed Clampett, and Mr.
Drysdale, my neighbor, uh, says you're prime for a little courtin'.
I brung the guitar, and if we can sit in your porch swing out yonder, I'll take a crack at serenadin' you.
Excuse me, ma'am, I I ain't done no active serenadin' and courtin' in, uh, nigh onto 20 years.
Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' Oh, my darlin' Jed! What's all this nonsense about you courti" a city woman? Well, it was Mr.
Drysdale's idea.
Well, it ain't worth shucks! City women is spoiled rotten! Well, Mr.
Drysdale's gonna cull through a bunch of 'em and trot out the best of the lot.
Eh All they think about is smearin' themselves with beauty grease, fancy smellin' renderin's.
Why, if you was to hug one of 'em, she'd squirt out of your arms like a prune pit.
Well, at my age, I don't figure to do a whole heap o' huggin'.
What do you mean, "your age"? Why, you're fine figure of a man! A heap too good for these Beverly Hills society women! Jed Clampett speakin'.
Oh, howdy, Mr.
Drysdale! You got any prospects for me? Indeed, I have.
Ever hear of Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick of Fenwick House? Fenwick uh, Fenwick? Oh, yeah, that's the widow, Fenwick.
Got the skinny daughter name of Cynthy.
That's the one.
And she's very interested in you, Mr.
Very interested, indeed.
Well, you don't say.
Granny, you remember the widow, Fenwick.
Yeah, and you ain't gonna get no dowry outta her.
She's poor as a church mouse.
"Honeymoon Lane.
" Hmm, that's a very appealing name for a subdivision.
I'm out to attract the young married.
Let others build for senior citizens.
I want those long-term mortgages with interest payments that never stop.
How much will the project cost? $100 million.
Oh, I'm not risking one penny of my own.
Well, my contribution is the idea, the experience and the know-how.
Oh, Crysdale! Uh, that's Drysdale, Mrs.
Uh, yes, so am I.
How about some tea? Good idea.
Well, what news? Mr.
Clampett is very interested.
Very interested, indeed.
Just how interested? I will need $10 million to get this project rolling.
Well, I believe I could recommend that as a good, sound investment.
Uh, splendid.
Provided you and Mr.
Clampett hit it off personally.
Personally? This is business.
Well, Mr.
Clampett is that kind of man.
And it is important that his family like you, too.
I have no time to socialize with those eccentric hillbillies.
I have here my general contractor's license.
I'm ready to start bulldozing.
Fenwick, both you and I know that those first $10 million are very hard to come by.
Very well, but remember one thing.
I control this Honeymoon Lane venture.
I'm not having anyone tell me what to do with their money.
Jed, I still say that you ought to go back home to do your courtin'.
Where the woman could bring you a dowry.
You can bet dollars to dumplings that Widow Fenwick ain't gonna come through that door leading no big fat sow.
Well, now, Granny, a dowry ain't everything.
The widow's got experience.
She raised a daughter of her own.
You 'member skinny Cynthy.
I do! Here's your courtin' candy, Uncle Jed.
Oh, thank you, Jethro, put it in the truck, and, uh, put my guitar in there, too.
Quick as Elly fetches my flowers, I want you to drive me over to the Widow Fenwick's.
Is that who you're gonna court? That's who I'm starting with.
Well, Uncle Jed, now that you're here in Beverly Hills, why don't you court one of them Hollywood movie stars? Well, if things don't work out with the widow, I might just ask Mr.
Drysdale can he fix it so I can meet, uh, Lillian Gish, maybe even, uh, Mary Pickford.
Now you're talkin' dowry! Why I bet you that Mary Pickford is good for a herd of milk cows, and a barn full of settin' hens! Look out, Granny, here comes Elly with my flowers! There's your flowers, Pa! Jed, I don't care who you court but get to courtin'! I gonna need help with that young'un and need it fast! How come you're wearin' that? Don't want my courtin' derby to blow off and get dented.
Quick as we get to the widow's house, I'll change back.
Drive on.
Appears like they still livin' in this little house.
Still got the name on it, big as life.
Yeah, poor but proud.
Hey, Uncle Jed, I got an idea! How 'bout me goi" inside with you and courtin' Cynthy while you court the widow? I don't hardly think there's room in that little house to do double courtin', Jethro.
I tell you what, you come on in and say howdy and then take Cynthy for a walk, leavin' the widow and me alone.
Mmm, I catch on! You want to do some sparkin', huh? Widow Fenwick? Anybody home? Widow? Don't appear to be nobody home.
Hot diggety dog! Now you and me can eat the candy! Get outta there! Come on, let's go.
Do you wish the mink, madam? No, I think it's better psychology not to appear too affluent in front of these hill types.
However, I will take Blue Chip.
Aw! Hims always makes such a good impression.
Wait in the car I'll telephone if I need you.
Very good, madam.
By dingies, it's comin' out of the ceilin' and walls and everyplace.
Somebody always comes to the door when that music plays.
I reckon that's what brings 'em in.
They hear it a playin' out on the street.
Want me to see who it is? I'll do it You get that contraption outta here.
Well, Widow Fenwick, come in! How do you do? I see you managed to scrape up a dowry.
Little lamb, ain't he? Oh, indeed he is.
Well, he ain't much, but it shows your heart's in the right place.
Come on out to the kitchen, we'll commence fattenin' him up.
Hey, Elly May, you bring my cycle back here! Now quiet down, Jethro.
Looks like we got company.
This ain't your cycle no more'n it is mine! 'Tis so! It ain't neither! 'Tis! 'Tain't! You want to rassle for it? Now hold on, the both of you! I don't want no more of that kind of talk.
Jethro, you put that cycle in the shed and get this truck out of the way.
Yes, sir! Elly May, I want a word with you! Yes, sir, Pa.
Now I'm a fixi" to court you a ma.
Stop that! Is that why the Widow Fenwick done come over? Is she here? Sure is.
Beasley yonder brung her over in his new car.
It's conveniently, huh? I sure hope Mr.
Beasley ain't got first call on the widow.
I wouldn't want to be grazi" in another man's pasture.
Especially him bein' a soldier in uniform.
Oh, splendid, you've returned! Howdy, widow.
I reckon I was at your place when you was comin' over here.
Well, we're together at last, and now we can make up for lost time! Uh, Elly May, uh, why don't you go out back and see if your Granny needs some help.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Well, uh, widow, seein' as we ain't at your house and we's over here, uh, you mind steppi" in to my parlor? The sooner we get down to business, the better! You sure don't beat around the bush, ma'am! Mr.
Clampett, may I ask you a question? Yes, ma'am.
Your banker tells me you're worth $40 million.
Well, that's what I hear, uh, give or take a few million.
Why do you drive around in that truck and dress as you do and and eat grits and hog jowls? Well, the way I look at it, widow, if you got it, spend it! All right, thank you.
Well, Mrs.
Fenwick crossed me up, went over to see Jed Clampett.
I wanted to prepare him before she got there.
Chief, you're a banker, not a matchmaker.
Aren't you meddling where you don't belong? Anyplace where there's a hundred million dollars floating around, I belong! H-Hello, Granny Milburn Drysdale.
Yes, may I speak to Mr.
Clampett please? No, you can't.
He's in the parlor fixin' to spark the widow! Bye! Well, I've heard of skin the cat, spin the bottle But what is spark the widow? Spark the widow! You see, it's already working! Now, who says I'm not a matchmaker, eh? Come on, let's get over there and help! I smell money! Now Mr.
Clampett, what are you doing? Can't we get to my proposal? Well, ma'am, I kind of like to tune up, sing you a song or two first.
Kinda get you in the mood.
I'm in the mood.
Well, I'm sorry, but I ain't.
When I'm going to court I always like to build up to it gradual.
But you're not going to court.
I ain't? No, there's no need for that.
Once we reach an agreement, my lawyer can handle everything.
Don't that, uh, kinda take the fun out of it? Mr.
Clampett, I am not in this for fun! Now look, I'll put my cards right on the table.
You are the man I would like to have come with me into Honeymoon Lane.
Well, thank you, ma'am, that's mighty flatterin' to a ol' goat like me.
Nonsense you have what I'm looking for.
So now what is it "yes" or "no"? Well, you kinda got me pushed into a corner, widow.
I thought I was gonna be the one to do the askin' not the answerin'.
Well, ask away I have nothing to hide.
But what are you in doubt about? Your banker likes what I have to offer Dunn and Bradstreet have given me their highest rating And the city engineer has approved my construction! Ma'am, I ain't doubtin' them but, uh, them's things a man kinda likes to find out for his self.
Clampett, I'm sorry to rush you but time is money to me.
There are several very wealthy men in this town that would jump at my proposal like that! But I like you.
Now, I have got the license and I have the heavy equipment.
Yeah, I reckon you do.
All right, then if you'll just answer "yes," we can get started on "Honeymoon Lane" today! Now, what do you say? Widow, ain't you bei" a mite pushy? You're darn tootin' she is.
And if she's this pushy flat busted broke thinks what she'll be when she gets her hands on your money! Did I hear you use the term "broke" in referring to me? I did.
You might be as proud as a peacock but you're as poor as Job's turkey and you know it.
My dear, quaint little woman.
I am Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick of Fenwick House.
That home alone cost me $3 million! For that little place? Widow, you got slickered.
Look out! I can't stop! Elly May, you have done ruined that door.
I told you leave that thing out in the shed! No, you didn't, Pa.
You just told Jethro to put it there! Widow, I know you ain't one to beat around the bush, and I'm gonna speak plain myself.
This young'un o' mine is gonna take a heap o' tami" are you willin'? Are you kidding? That'll be your job if and when your her ma! When I'm what? Hop on, Ma, and I'll take you for a ride! Now, hold on.
The widow ain't your ma unless we get proper married.
Married? You and me? Well, I don't hardly think we can get to honeymoon lane without it.
Clampett, I once said I would do anything for enough money.
I now retract that statement! Well.
I wonder what she meant by that.
Fenwick is still here! That's a good sign! She and Jed must be hitting it off.
Ah, Mrs.
Fenwick Out of my way, Drypail! Wha Did something go wrong? Everything! That hillbilly untouchable wants to marry me! Me! Well, you can't blame him, Mrs.
Fenwick! You're a ravishingly beautiful, devastatingly seductive woman! You are intoxicated! Uh, just a minute, Widow Fenwick.
Uh Oh, my darling, I almost left you! Come to my arms! I'm sorry, widow.
I just don't think we'd hit it off.
Here's your dowry back.
Widow Fenwick sometimes the happiness we're lookin' for is right in our own back yard.
Now you take Mr.
Beasley there Thank you, I shall! Quickly, Beasley, take me home! Oh, just all so confusing! Kind of a skimpy dowry, but, uh, don't set too much store by that.
How long you been in the service? 15 years, sir.
That long, huh? Well, maybe now with a good woman behind you, you'll soon have some stripes on them sleeves! World of happiness to the both of you! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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