The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e13 Episode Script

The Clampetts Get Culture

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
By doggies, Granny, you are sure doing some high-powered rocking! I'm doing some high-powered thinking.
Thinking and rocking goes together.
Well, tell me, Granny, what is this problem that's got you to rocking so? It's us, Jed.
We don't belong out here.
These la-dee-da city folks don't want our kind around.
Now, whatever put that notion in your head? Well, here it is purt near Christmas.
Back home, folks'd be stopping by, passing the time of day, fetching presents, and hefting a friendly jug with us.
Well, you got to remember one thing, Granny.
Back home, we knowed everybody, and everybody knowed us.
Out here, we ain't much acquainted yet.
You can't get acquainted with these folks out here.
I been trying all morning.
I put on my friendly hat, brung out my rocker and a jug of hard cider, and I've been setting here waving and hollering at folks, and and a-pointing to my jug.
And nobody stopped? Only a policeman.
That's where my jug went.
He took it to the police station.
Oh, I bet you got a bunch of friends down there by now.
Might as well face it, Jed.
We ain't got as many friends out here as a horse has toes.
Looks like you spoke too soon, Granny.
Yonder comes Ms.
Drysdale, and she's fetching a present.
Morning, Ms.
Will you please take this animal and keep it here? Well, thank you very kindly.
And will you please tell Elly May that we have a pet ordinance? Why, I'd rather not.
She'll be wanting one.
Come on, set down, Ms.
We'll chew the fat and heft a jug together.
30,000 people in Beverly Hills.
How did I get you as my neighbors? Just lucky, I guess.
If I find any more animals in my flower garden, I will give them to the police! They wouldn't appreciate it.
Why, they took my jug without so much as a thank you, by your leave, or kiss my foot.
Oh, I do hope the new year will be better! Well, thank you, and best wishes to you, too! Now, Granny, you got to admit that was right friendly.
Nice fat little goat, too.
You can stop your fretting, Thelma.
Pa's done found your baby.
Her and Earl and Elmer and me's been looking all over the house for that little rascal.
Oh, Elly May, is this your baby goat? Well, Thelma's her ma, but they's both mine.
Come on, everybody, let's go swimmin'! Well, if that ain't a new low in gift-giving, I'll put in with you! Getting our own goat give to us! Now, Granny, don't get riled up yet.
Here comes some more friends.
Well, that's the bus fetching Jethro home from Potts School.
In the middle of the morning? Oh, and look who's driving.
Miss Millicent Schuyler Potts herself! Reckon she's come to visit.
Howdy there, Miss Potts.
Good morning, Mr.
Granny, I wonder if I could have a talk with you? Well, you betcha.
See, Granny, she's come to visit.
Granny, can I have some vittles? What did you do with your school lunch? Oh, I ate that at recess.
All right, help yourself.
Yee-ha! Oh, uh, Bye, Miss Potts.
Thanks for the ride.
You want to come into the kitchen, have some grits and jowls with Jethro while we visit? Uh, no, thank you.
Well, set yourself.
You can have a bench, a bucket or a rocker.
What I have to say is quite brief.
It's simply that Jethro has become my number one problem student.
Well, did you hear that, Granny? You deserve all the credit, Ms.
I beg your pardon? Well, when Jethro started in your school, he couldn't 'cipher a problem for shucks, but now he's number one! Come on in to the house.
We'll heft a jug on that! No, really, you don't understand.
Your nephew is a most disrupting influence.
Well, let me put it this way.
It will not be necessary for Jethro to return to school after the holidays.
That smart, is he?! You done it, Ms.
Why, back home, he couldn't even keep up with his class.
And here he is graduating ahead of everybody! No, no, please.
Jethro I'll get the jug.
No! Jethro is not graduating.
He is being expelled.
Oh! I don't know how to say this, but Jethro is ruining my school, and I do not want him to return! Well, for not knowing how, you said it pretty plain! Granny.
Jethro ain't good enough for you, huh? Well Simmer down.
Well, you can keep your old private school! Jethro has been there a whole year, and you haven't even made him a private.
You couldn't even get him into the army! Faker! Cheater! Jethro's too good for you! And you you think you're a teacher? I can learn him more.
You can't even spell "cat"! You see, Herman, you just keep your feet a movi" like Gertrude's a-doing.
If a rooster can swim, so can a turkey gobbler.
How about it, Herman? You willing to try? Well, let's shake hands on it.
Come back here, you vile beast.
Come here with my begonia! Mrs.
Drysdale, I sure would appreciate if you wouldn't chase Thelma.
It shakes her all up.
Help! Get this thing off me! I am going to call the police and have all of these animals taken away! Why? They ain't done nothing! This is Beverly Hills, not a jungle! They shall all be locked up in cages! Don't do that, please.
They wouldn't be happy all caged up.
But I won't be happy until they are! Oh! Aah! That vicious dog is going to attack me! Oh! Get away! Get a Who's that in the cement pond? Well, that's Ms.
Look, Jed, she's trying to steal Elly's chicken! Probably wants to give us that for New Years! You get your chicken-picking hands off our livestock! Margaret, I'm very busy.
I haven't time to listen to goat stories.
Stop sneezing.
What pool? With your clothes on? I thought you were having some of your bridge club ladies over this afternoon.
Well, stop sampling the punch.
Oh, I'll call you back.
Aren't you about through? You haven't finished dictating.
Not you.
Go away! Leave me alone! So, Mr.
Drysdale's our friend, is he? That didn't sound very friendly to me.
Go away! We'll go away, but not until you fill these sacks with our money to tote with us! Uncle Jed's got $40 million in your bank, and we got four sacks, and dividing four into 40, that there figures to ten million in each sack! Ooh-ee! Listen to that boy 'cipher! That's one thing we're gonna miss about Beverly Hills Jethro getting a fine education.
What are you talking about? Where are you going? We're going back home, Mr.
You mean for Christmas? No, ma'am, for good.
What?! We got to face up to the truth.
We're as out of place here as four cobs in a cream crock! All right, young'uns, take those sacks down to where they keep our money and commence filling 'em up.
No, wait! Listen! Come back! Oh, get out of my way! Quickly, come with me! Now, wait right here, and-and don't move! Oh, measure him up for a complete, uh vestido nuovo.
Oh, si, si.
Well, little man, uh, if you're fixing to tie me up, uh, that ain't enough rope, and you ain't enough man.
I couldn't catch them, Chief.
Well, phone down, have them lock the outside doors.
But it isn't closing time.
It will be if the Clampetts withdraw their money! Now if you ever get to be this big, try me again.
What did you do that for? He was fixing to tie Jed up! Spunky little fella.
Throwed this skimpy little rope around me real brave.
No, no.
He was just measuring you for a new suit! A Christmas present from me.
Oh, help me get him down.
You fill my sack up for me.
I got a few words to say to Mr.
Drysdale before we go.
Oh! Granny, this little fella was just fixing to sew me up some clothes, like he done for Mr.
Drysdale here.
Shame on you for doing woman's work! And bad, too! You call this sewing!? Why, them clothes wouldn't hold together in a stout wind! Don't you sass me, little man.
I'll hang you back on that hook! No, no.
Pa, Granny, they won't give us your money! Let's get the guns off 'n the truck.
Hey, we gonna feud the bank? Down to the last man! Yee-ha! No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Let's-Let's talk this over! It's too late for talking.
We is feuding! Now, Granny, we's talking before we's do any feudin'.
Uncle Jed! Granny! Hey, lookee here what I got.
I just captured me the first prisoner.
Turn her loose.
But she's one of the bank people.
Maybe she can get our money for us.
Can you? No, I can't.
I can, Jethro.
Capture me! Pa! Granny! I got me a prisoner, too! Aiuto! Aiuto! Throw him back, Elly.
Even if he was to tell us where the money is, we wouldn't know what he was saying.
Please, Mr.
Clampett, let's talk this over! We will.
All right, set down, everybody.
We's gonna have a confab! Thank you.
We's gonna have a confab.
Your Uncle Jed told you to turn her loose.
Now do it! Aw, shucks, somebody's always taking the fun out of feudin'! Then along come Mrs.
Potts and expelled Jethro out of her school.
And him the number one student.
Just at 'ciphering problems, Granny.
Oh, I won the football championship for the sixth grade, too.
Yeah, who was it you beat in that last game, Jethro? Uh, some outfit they called their selves, uh, the Rams.
Believe me, I can explain everything that's happened.
You can? Yes, I can.
Well, how about your wife saying she was going to lock up all my critters? And mean-mouthing me when I pulled her out of the pond? Oh, I can explain it.
No, I have a better idea.
I'll have my wife and Mrs.
Potts talk to you themselves and they can explain it.
They can? They can and they will.
Now, get them on the carpet Uh, the phone right away.
Yes, sir.
I'll need my desk, Miss Trego.
Clampett, Granny, Jethro, Elly May.
It's almost Christmas.
Peace on Earth, good will toward men especially to bankers.
Now, please, go back to your home That is, the home in Beverly Hills And everything will be explained to your, to your satisfaction.
Well, that seems fair.
Come along, family, let's go.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.
Hot diggety dog! Bye, Mr.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, Uncle Jed, I done picked up my present.
Oh, yes, you will.
And if I refuse? If you refuse, the only thing you will find in your stocking on Christmas morning is your foot.
I am married to a bourgeois beast.
You are married to a desperate banker.
And now I'll reason with you, Mrs.
Let me start by reminding you that I hold the mortgage on your building.
So? So how would you like to have the only private school in Beverly Hills holding classes on the sidewalk? This is blackmail.
This is extortion! So? So I'll do it.
All right.
Now, here's what you're going to tell Jed Clampett.
So you see, Mr.
Clampett, I, I expelled Jethro so that I could come here every evening and give him private instruction.
Won't that be a lot of extra trouble for you, Mrs.
Potts? Oh, nothing is too much trouble if it brings me nearer to the man who has captured my fancy.
Who's that, ma'am? Oh Mr.
Can't you guess? No, ma'am, the only menfolks around here is Jethro and me.
You see Jethro every day, and that only leaves Yes, I must say it.
I'm forced to say it.
It's you.
But, um, you c but you're a fine, educated, high-class, big-city school teacher.
But I'm also a woman and you're a man.
Yeah, I got to go along with you on that, but, uh Ah.
And the kind of a man I've always been attracted to Raw-boned, shy, clean-cut, but basically very, very masculine.
Well doggies! Come on, dear.
Oh, Milford, no, no.
Oh, Margaret, yes, yes.
Now, Granny is lonesome.
She doesn't have any friends.
Your bridge club is the answer.
Granny doesn't even play bridge.
But you're going to teach Granny to play bridge.
Home, quickly.
Oh, now, dear, now, it's not going to be as bad as all that.
You'll have Mrs.
Potts to help you, and Jane Hathaway, too.
But even if she learns to play bridge, how could I possibly present that homespun hillbilly to my club? Miss Hathaway has taken care of that.
Granny will look fine.
Ah, come in, come in.
You are just in time to see your hostess in her beautiful new hostess gown.
Granny, entrez vous.
Ah, Granny, you are a vision of a chic Beverly Hills hostess from your head right down to your My bloomers are showing again.
This thing ain't sewed together proper.
Granny, those smart capris are supposed to show, but where are your beautiful pumps? They were pumped up too high.
I fell off of 'em twice.
Well, your, your feet won't show under the bridge table.
What kind of a table? Bridge.
Drysdale here and some of her friends are going to play bridge with you.
Oh, yeah? Who says? She says.
My wife has a club.
Well, she better have more than a club if she's going to walk on me.
No, no, Granny, bridge is a game, a card game.
A fun game.
Now, Margaret, you and Miss Hathaway take Granny into the card room and get things ready.
I'll send in Mrs.
Where is she? Her and Jed are sparking in the parlor.
This here's a little verse I made up for you whilst I was changing my duds.
Why, how very flattering.
I can hardly wait.
Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' Oh, my darlin' Milly-cent Just to see me ever' evenin' To such trouble you have went You expelled my nephew Jethro Just to give you a excuse And your mind said, "Don't you do it" But your heart yelled, "What's the use?" I'm a man and you're a woman You yourself did up and say Now you've got my heart to wondering Are you the ma for Elly May? Oh.
Oh, Mr.
Drysdale! Don't let me interrupt.
Oh, no, no, no, no! I want you to come in and-and hear the perfectly divine ballad that Mr.
Clampett has composed just for me.
Where's your wife? Well, she's going to teach Granny to play bridge.
They need a fourth so I'd better get back Oh, no, no, no! Three women and one man? Unthinkable.
Now, you just stay right here and listen to Mr.
Clampett's ballad.
Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' Oh, my dar I'm sorry, Mr.
Drysdale, but I feel like a darn fool singing this to you.
You're right.
Besides, I have some very exciting plans that will keep you busy for the rest of the day.
You do? Yes.
I want you to be a guest at my club.
We'll shoot a little golf.
Oh, you mean go over to the, uh, golf pasture.
Well, we call it the country club.
Uncle Jed, I don't want to watch them women play a sissy ol' card game.
Well, uh, why don't you come with us, Jethro? We're gonna shoot some golf.
Yeah, I'd like that.
But you ain't gonna go shooting in your courtin' clothes, are you? Oh, I reckon I'd best change.
Uh, Mr.
Drysdale, no use you waiting for us.
Uh, Jethro and me will meet you there.
All right, Jethro, I'll see you at the country club.
And, uh, meet me in the locker room.
I'll have some golf clothes for you to change into.
Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you.
Hold it right there! You done give us 12 cards.
That's right.
You're fixing to give us one more? Yes.
Each player receives 13 cards.
Not this player.
Nobody gives me 13 of nothin'.
But, Granny, that's the way bridge is played.
Not by me.
Give me a lucky dozen, you keep the rest.
Granny, this is the way Please.
Let's all just play with 12 cards.
Oh, no.
Take the other card, Granny.
I might give you a slam.
Why, you What?! Just a bridge expression, Granny! I don't mean anything, darling.
No, no! She's not gonna slam me! Well, here we are.
These two lockers are for you and Jethro.
Somebody's clothes in there.
I got them for you.
Now, I want you to change into these clothes before we play golf.
Then we'll spend a nice, relaxing half hour in the steam room over there.
Yes, sir.
Now, when you change, leave your old clothes inside the locker and close the door.
I'll see you outside.
Well, Jethro, you're younger and more willowy than me.
You try it first.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
You in there all right, Jethro? I can't move, let alone change clothes.
These city fellers sure must be runts.
What are we gonna do? Well, one thing certain, we can't strip naked out here in the hall.
Tell you what, let's go over there into that steam room and wait for Mr.
Yes, sir.
Can't see nothing through this little window.
Well, let's just go on in.
Boy, Uncle Jed, sure is hot in here.
Right smart humid, too.
Hey, looky over here.
There's rows of benches going up just like in a theater.
Well, let's climb up to top, get us a good seat, wait for the show.
Well, it's about time you menfolks was getting home.
Let's get ready and head for the hills.
What happened? Something go wrong with the bridge game? Sure enough did.
Granny got riled and busted it up.
What riled you, Granny? Well, first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
That don't hardly seem fair.
Of course it don't! And when I asked 'em why, they said, "Because you're the dummy.
" Ain't nobody calls Granny a dummy and gets away with it.
You better believe it.
How did you menfolks make out at that there country club? Pitiful.
Just pitiful.
Granny, they got the hottest, steamiest theater there is.
If that wasn't bad enough, they put on the worst show I ever did see.
That's a fact.
Nothing but a bunch of fat ol' men parading around wrapped in towels.
And not even no music.
Just pitiful.
Well, Beverly Hills can keep their unfriendly city people.
Come on, Elly May, I want to get into some decent clothes and head for back home.
Yeah, I reckon we better do that, too, Jethro.
These is kind of shrank up and soggy.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh.
We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode