The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e14 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Whew, doggies, ain't that a pretty tree? Prettiest I ever did see.
Mr.
Drysdale and Miss Jane said they was gonna surprise us, and they sure enough did.
What you lookin' for, Granny? Lookin' for the hole in the roof.
What hole in the roof? The hole in the roof that snow come from.
Well, looky yonder It's all over the tree and all over the floor.
Elly, you sweep it up before it gets to meltin' and gets everything soggy.
Jethro, you climb up on the roof and patch the hole that it come through.
I don't think this is snow at all.
It ain't cold and it don't melt.
Why I bet you this is what they call artificial snow.
I don't care what you call it.
Get up on the roof and patch the hole it come through.
I reckon Jethro means this Beverly Hills snow ain't the kind that falls down from the sky.
That's right.
You just throw this around by hand.
Pitiful place, pitiful.
Don't even know how to snow proper out here.
Now, Granny, Christmas ain't no day to go lambasting Beverly Hills again.
Hey, everybody, let's open a present.
Yeah! Come on, Granny! Oh, put me down, you big! Ow! Hey, Elly May, this one's to you from Miss Jane.
Listen to this.
"To Elly May, so sweet and fair, use this gift to have dry hair.
" Sounds like it's gonna rain.
Hey, Jethro, this one here's for you.
Elly, too.
Hey, it's from Mr.
and Mrs.
Drysdale.
What do you think's in it? There's one way to find out.
Open it, huh? Look it, Pa, it's a hat.
My, ain't that pretty.
Feels like a rain hat.
Yeah, this will sure enough keep my hair dry when I'm walking in the rain.
What's this hose for in the back? Well, I reckon that's to let the water drain off.
Hey, Uncle Jed Look what I got A brand-new suit of clothes.
Looks like it's made out of rubber.
A fella sure could keep dry in this rascal.
I guess for walking in the rain, like Elly's hat.
I reckon these go on my feet.
Be kind of awkward walking in these.
I tell you what, Jethro, why don't you put the whole thing on, we'll see how it looks.
Hey, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
What you got there, Granny? Near as I can figure, it's one them electric washing machines like we got out back.
Only this one's got a clothes drying rack on it.
A lot fancier than that other machine.
So dag-blamed fancy I can't figure out how to get the clothes in it.
Let's see now You got a knob here marked "On.
" Let's turn that and see what happens.
A lot quieter than the other one.
I don't think it's working, Granny.
Don't hardly see how it could.
No way to put water in it.
Wait, it's lighting up.
Looky yonder! It's done got water in it.
Got more than water in it.
Look at that.
There's fish in there.
Elly May.
I didn't see it.
Jed! Jed! Jed, come and shut this thing off! Quick! What'd you see? I ain't tellin'.
But one thing's certain I ain't gonna wash none of our clothes in there until that water's been changed.
Who give us the pretty washing machine, Pa? The Drysdales.
Oh, Elly, did you get Mrs.
Drysdale's present? Sure did.
I'll fetch it.
What's that girl got on her head? Oh, that's her new rain hat.
Miss Jane give it to her.
I thought it wasn't supposed to rain out here much.
Here it is.
What kind of a varmint is that? It's what Mrs.
Drysdale wants most of all for Christmas A mink.
Elly May, Mrs.
Drysdale especially wanted a full-length mink.
This one fill the bill? Yes, sir.
It's as long as they come.
I know the answer to this, but I'm going to ask you anyway You didn't by any chance steal this critter, did you? No, sir.
Well, I know'd you hadn't, but Mrs.
Drysdale made such a point of it.
She said she didn't want no mink stole.
Ah Oh! Milburn! Just what I wanted most of all A full-length mink.
I'm glad you like it, dear.
Well, now I've got to dash over the Clampetts before they go outside and discover their boat.
Their what? We gave them a boat for Christmas Among other things.
And I had the boat company deliver it and put it right in front of their door.
Oh, Ravenswood, is Skipper dressed? Very nearly, sir.
A boat and a skipper? Isn't that overdoing it? All part of a very clever strategy, Margaret.
Now if I can get Jed hooked on sailing, Jethro and Elly May on skin diving and Granny on deep-sea fishing, they'll never want to go back to the hills.
Those are things you can't do without an ocean.
But, Milburn, I don't want them to stay here.
But, Margaret, I do.
Now, you don't get coats like that with bottle caps.
And just for insurance, I gave them a television set.
That's something else they can't get back in the hills.
Skipper is ready, sir.
Here he is, sir.
Why, it's a ape.
Oh, no, it's a chimp.
And Elly May will be crazy about it.
Oh, I hope so, sir.
I would not like to add to my regular duties, the daily grooming and dressing of an anthropoid.
Well, let's take him next door.
We'll put him on the boat, ring the doorbell and run.
Yes, sir.
Madam.
After you, sir.
Looks like an over-growed tadpole.
Looky, I got one like Jethro, too.
Whoo, sure is hot in this thing.
I reckon it was meant to be wore mostly in the rain.
How come the Drysdales are giving us so much rain stuff when it ain't supposed to rain out here? Maybe they know something we don't, Granny.
Well, I'm gonna get out of this thing.
There goes that rascal playing the music again.
You think he'd learn something new for Christmas.
I think I heard somebody drive off.
Maybe it's the fella that plays the music.
Well, we can't begrudge him taking Christmas day off.
Granny, you recollect hearing it rain last night? No.
How about you, Elly? No, sir, I didn't hear.
Well, we must have slept through a regular cloudburst.
What you mean? What I mean is, that some time during the night somebody sailed a boat up our driveway.
How do you reckon anybody could sail a boat up here? I don't see no high water mark on the house.
Well, if there was no water, they must have got caught in a heap of wind.
Elly May, fetch Jethro out here.
I'm gonna need help moving this thing.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Well, whoever done this was a mighty poor sailor.
Well, Granny, maybe he was just celebrating a mite too much last evening.
Let's face it, he was drunk as a skunk.
Maybe he's still in there.
Granny, we don't want to mean-mouth that sailor too much.
If I looked like that, I might take to drink myself.
Great clouds of blue gnats.
That's the hairiest, ugliest sailor I ever did see.
Shh, Granny.
We don't want to hurt his feelings.
He might have got lost at sea and hasn't had a chance to shave.
Come on out.
You're safe.
We'll help you.
Yeah, don't be afraid.
You're on dry land now.
You're among friends.
He ain't coming out.
Maybe he don't understand our kind of talk.
Maybe he ain't American.
I hope he ain't.
He's no bigger than this and bowlegged to boot.
By doggies, I'm glad he ain't one of our boys, too.
If that's a sample of what's running our navy, our country's in for a whole heap of trouble.
Come on out, sailor boy.
We'll give you some vittles.
Maybe we got to talk sailor talk to him.
Do you know any sailor talk? I heard some.
Let's see uh Hoist your landlubber and starboard your anchor out of there.
That ought to get him.
He ain't budging.
Yonder it is, Jethro.
Hot diggity dog, is this ship our'n? No, I think it's wood.
There's a little sailor boy in there.
He looks like a monkey! Shh.
Jethro, don't say things like that.
He don't want to come out as it is.
Hey Why that there's what you call a chimpanzee.
Thank goodness he ain't an American boy.
I'll go fetch him out.
I reckon if anybody can make a sailor leave his boat it's Elly May.
Jethro, you'd best go along with her.
From the looks of him, he's been to sea a powerful long time.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Oh, come on, Margaret, hurry up.
I'm coming, Milburn.
Who are we going to drop in on? The Art Linkletters' the George Burns' the Jack Bennys'? The Jed Clampetts'.
I refuse to go slumming on Christmas.
Well, suit yourself.
Oh, I understand they have a sensational gift for you.
Oh? What is it? Who knows? With their millions, it could be the Hope Diamond.
Well, it is the season of good will.
Come along, dear.
Hey, Granny, is vittles about ready? I'm hungry.
Be ready in a minute.
Where's your Uncle Jed? He's still outside puzzlin' over what to do with that there boat.
Well, go sit at the table and wait.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, you don't expect me to sit at the same table with him? Why not? Well, he's a chimpanzee.
I don't care what country he's from.
He's hungry, and he's welcome at my table.
Did he wash his hands nice and clean, Elly? Yes, ma'am.
Show Granny your hands.
Ah, that's just dandy.
Did you like your grits and jowls, little sailor boy? He don't talk much, but he has a right friendly smile.
Keelhaul, scuttlebutt! Douse the jib, poopso! Howdy there, Mr.
and Mrs.
Drysdale.
Merry Christmas to you.
Same to you.
And many, many more.
I'm sorry about this boat kind of blockin' the driveway here.
It was sailed up there last night by a little critter called a chimpanzee.
No, no, no, the chimpanzee didn't do it.
He's a present for Elly May.
From Milburn and me.
We know how fond the dear girl is of critters.
Well, thank you very much.
I had the boat put there, Mr.
Clampett.
It's a gift for you.
From Milburn and me.
We know how fond you are of outdoorsy things.
Yes.
Oh, by the way, you'll find a trailer for the boat in your garage.
Trailer? From Milburn and me.
We know how fond you Margaret.
It has wheels.
You can put the boat on it and haul it any place you'd like to go.
Well, we sure are obliged for all the nice things you give us.
We got a mighty nice present for you, too, Mrs.
Drysdale.
How big? I mean, how nice.
Well, speakin' of size, Elly May says it's the biggest there is.
Oh, you shouldn't have done it.
We shouldn't? Well, we could always take it back.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was just an expression.
Like, "diamonds are a girl's best friend.
" Margaret why don't you go on in? There's some features of the boat I'd like to point out to Mr.
Clampett.
Yes, dear.
See you later.
Well it's working beautifully, isn't it? I guess so.
Where all the water coming from? From Lake Erie.
Where's it goin'? Lake Ontario.
I hope it don't flood our house on the way.
Oh, Granny, you're so droll.
Uh, Mr.
Clampett tells me you have a gift for me.
You betcha we have.
Elly May's got it out back playin' with it.
Oh, my goodness, I hope she doesn't lose it.
Oh, no, no, she's got it on a chain.
Oh, well, let's hurry anyway.
All right.
You beat me eatin' bananas.
But you got to admit, I whupped you eatin' grits.
And I'll bet you I can beat you drinkin' milk, too.
First, I got to rest a mite.
Jethro you and Skipper run out back and fetch Elly May.
Tell her Mrs.
Drysdale's here for her present.
Yes'm, Granny.
Well, howdy, Mrs.
Drysdale.
Hello, Jethro, dear boy.
Hello, little sailor.
He don't talk American.
No, ma'am, he's a chimpanzee.
Come on, Skipper.
Sit down, Mrs.
Drysdale, while we're waitin' for Elly May and I'll give you your other present.
Oh, another present? Yes, ma'am.
This here is my special Christmas gift pack, chock-full of good things to eat.
Oh, it's simply beautiful.
What are these divine-looking morsels? Well, up here we have deviled hawk eggs, picked crow gizzards possum sausages candied catfish and over here we have some larrupin' good little teensy owlburgers.
Please, no more.
Got your mouth to waterin', huh? Well, help yourself, it's Christmas.
Mrs.
Drysdale, I'm awful sorry, but I lost your present.
Oh, no! Yes, ma'am, I was playi" with it by the cement pond and the chain broke and it got away and I just can't find it.
This is terrible! This is tragic! Oh! Well, I'm awful sorry, Granny.
Oh, don't worry, Elly, I'll make it up to her.
I'll give her two of my special Christmas gift packs.
Yes, Mr.
Clampett, I predict that you're going to get many, many hours of enjoyment in that little craft.
Boating has become a tremendously popular sport here in How do you like that? What? That hunk of fur lying on the floor is worth $10,000.
You don't say.
I only paid two bits for him when he was a pup.
Duke, can you hear that? You're worth $10,000, you old rascal.
No, no, I was referring to this hunk of fur.
It's my wife's brand new coat.
Oh.
I gave it to her this morning and already she leaves it lying around on the floor.
That fur cost you $10,000? Yes, it did.
That's a heap of money to pay to keep warm in a place that's warm to start off with.
Yes, you're right.
But this is a Beverly Hills status symbol.
Oh.
By golly, I'm going to teach her a lesson.
That woman thinks my money grows on trees.
Where you goin', Mr.
Drysdale? I'm going to take this home and hide it.
I'll see you later.
Duke I never will understand these city husbands.
Back home when a woman done somethin' to rile her man, he'd just take her over his knee and whomp her a few.
Mr.
Drysdale's fixin' to play hide-and-seek.
Uncle Jed, we want to get a better look at Skipper's boat.
Well, that's our boat, Jethro.
It's a present from Mr.
and Mrs.
Drysdale.
Oh, by the way, Elly May, did you give Mrs.
Drysdale her present? I'm awful sorry, Pa.
I was playin' with the little critter and it got away.
Mrs.
Drysdale is fit to be tied.
Yeah, you ought to see her, Uncle Jed.
Well, she's crawlin' around on her hands and knees rootin' through the bushes like a hungry hog.
Come on, Skip.
It ain't funny, Jethro.
She done give the little critter a name and everythin'.
You don't say.
Yes, sir, she calls it Jim.
She's a-crawlin' around a-moanin' and a-sayin', "Where is it? Where's my beautiful Jim?" You think Elly May is fond of critters why that woman is like to go out of her mind over that pesky little varmint.
What'd you say you called it again, Elly? A mink.
I offered to give her my squirrel or my polecat or my possum or anythin'.
She wouldn't even listen.
She just went right ahead a-moanin' and a-rootin'.
I even offered her two of my special gift packs.
Even that didn't quiet her down.
Well, when that little mink gets hungry he'll show up.
Come on, let's go look at our boat.
Hey, Skipper, this boat is something else.
Why, there's beds down here and even a wash basin.
Hey, let me try that.
Get up on her, Granny.
I don't think so.
It might just up and sail off with me.
Can't sail off without water.
Jethro, you got to bring the truck around so we can find some water to sail this rascal.
Oh, yes, sir.
Hey, Uncle Jed hey, what's this thing? Well, Mr.
Drysdale told me that's a lifesaver.
Hot diggity dog! It's the biggest one I ever did see.
Jethro! That ain't for eatin'.
You can say that again.
Got no taste at all.
Oh, where's my mink? Where's my beautiful mink? It's gone! Oh, dear! Milburn! Milburn! Milburn! Milburn! Oh Your husband's gone home, Mrs.
Drysdale.
My mink is gone, my beautiful full-length mink! Has anyone seen it? No, but come supper time it's liable to show up.
Oh, disastrous day.
Oh, now calm down.
Wouldn't you just as leaf have a rabbit or a squirrel or a raccoon? No! I want my mink! Milburn! Milburn, help! Milburn! You're right, Granny.
Even Elly wouldn't be that grieved over a lost critter, especially one she never laid eyes on.
The poor woman is so busted up she even forgot my special gift packs.
Well, we can take 'em over later.
Yeah, and a special one I made for Mr.
Drysdale.
It's four feet high and right in the middle it has a smoked pig with a hedge apple in his mouth.
That ought to cheer him up.
Oh, good, here comes Jethro and Elly on the truck.
Now we can go out and find some water to float our boat in.
Who's that sitting up there beside Elly? That's Skipper.
Looks like they got a coat and a hat on him.
I give Skipper Aunt Pearl's old hat and coat 'cause he's from a warm country and Granny, here's your wraps.
That's fine, Elly.
Well, Jethro, where you reckon we ought to look first? Well, I hear tale there's a Los Angeles River.
How 'bout that? Sounds like that ought to float a good size boat.
Let's get rollin'.
Pitiful, pitiful.
They call that thing a river? Well, yes, ma'am, Granny.
That there's what they call the Los Angeles River.
Why there ain't enough water down there to wet down a good size crawdad, is there, Pa? Pitiful, pitiful.
Well, it's for certain we can't float our boat in there.
What are we gonna do then, Uncle Jed? Let's take a drive around, see what other folks does with their boats.
How 'bout we drive up onto the freeway? Let's go.
Hey, Uncle Jed, yonder is a boat.
That boat is rolling on wheels.
Mr.
Drysdale give us wheels for our boat, too.
Yonder goes another one.
Let's get off the freeway, Jethro, try some other streets.
Now everybody keep your eyes peeled for water and boats.
Yonder's one! There's a whole lot full.
On wheels, too.
Watch out, Jethro, you'll run into that one.
Uncle Jed! By doggies, they's all on wheels.
Well, that was a dandy ride.
I know now why Mr.
Drysdale give us them wheels for our boat.
There's not enough water in this place to boil an egg, let alone float a boat.
Pa, we gonna put our boat on wheels and haul it around the street? Well, that wouldn't be much fun.
You can't dive off it, you can't fish off it, you can't Well, I don't know, Jethro.
Must be some fun or all them people wouldn't be doing it.
Jed! Come here, quick! What's the matter, Granny? No wonder we couldn't find any water.
Lookey here.
Even the washing machine has dried up.
Well it's been a dry Christmas, but a right merry one.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, 'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.