The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e15 Episode Script

A Man for Elly

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
This enough 'taters, Uncle Jed? Don't hardly look it, Jethro.
Well, I peeled pretty near two dozen.
Better fetch me the peelings.
I got a feeling that's where most of the taters is.
Yes, sir.
Mm, doggies.
How's it taste, Uncle Jed? Pitiful.
Maybe them peelings will help.
Dump 'em in.
Doggone, it just don't seem right us doing women's work, while Granny sets in front of that TV set all day.
Ever since she found out it wasn't a washing machine she ain't been more than three feet away from it.
She's like a young'un with a new toy.
Like Elly with her new critter.
How come she ain't in here doing this cookin'? Jethro, I just don't believe Elly was cut out for fixing vittles.
Never forget the time she made that gooseberry pie.
Ruined our best goose and a whole bucket of berries.
You mean, she put together? Yes, she did.
And it was a mess I'll tell you.
I got her and Skipper out looking for stuff to put in this here.
Pa, Skipper found some onions.
Onions? Hey, they ought to go dandy in here.
Go on, Skipper, give 'em to Pa.
Thank you, Skipper.
These here Beverly Hills onions ain't got a lot of bite to 'em.
But the tops sure do flower out pretty.
Jethro wash these and drop 'em in the pot.
Tops and all? Yeah.
We need all the flavor we can get.
Where'd you find them, Elly? Over to the Drysdales'.
Did you ask the Drysdales could you borrow some onions? Well, yes, sir, Pa.
Drysdale says go around to the kitchen door and get some from the cook.
But Skipper found some on the way, and we didn't have to bother nobody.
Fine and dandy.
Drop 'em in the pot, Jethro.
Don't just stand there sniffing 'em.
Would you like some more? They's a whole big patch of 'em.
A few more might help, Elly.
That stew ain't got too much going for it.
Come on, Skipper, let's go pull up some more onions.
How's it going, boy? Better? Still pitiful.
Even these onions ain't doing nothing.
Just got to get Granny to help us.
You ain't gonna pry her loose from that TV set now.
This is the time her favorite is on.
You mean that big, strapping cowboy star? That's right, Marshal Quirt Manly Two-gun tamer of the Wild West.
Look out, Quirt! Them rustlers are sneaking up behind you.
Fixing to shoot you in the back.
Look out! Oh, they got ya.
Oh, they got ya again.
Oh, you're done for now, Quirt.
That's it, you dirty cowards.
Ride off and leave him with a back full of bullets.
Attaboy, Quirt.
After 'em.
Get 'em.
Catch 'em, Quirt.
I can tell you where they's headed, Quirt.
To town to hide in the saloon.
Granny Shh.
It won't do you no good to hide in that saloon, ya dirty, yellow cowards.
Quirt will find ya.
He'll get ya.
Granny, I Shh.
Yonder comes Quirt Riding like the wind.
That's it, Quirt.
That's where they are.
Go get 'em.
It won't do you no good to hide in that saloon.
I told Quirt where to look.
Say your prayers, yellow bellies.
I'm coming in.
Is he gonna tackle that whole saloon full of bad men all by hisself? You betcha.
Quirt Manly don't need no help.
Even with 30 or 40 bullets in him, he's more than a match for Shh.
He's lightin' into 'em.
See, Jed? I told you he didn't need no help.
Look at 'em run The yellow bellies.
He's right smart of a man, all right.
Ol' Quirt chased 'em clean out of town.
Next time I won't go so easy on ya.
Yes, sir, Granny, he sure is a rip-snortin' fighter, ol' Quirt.
Well, looky yonder.
Now he's fixing to rassle his horse.
No, no, Jed.
After a fight he always hugs ol' Silver Trigger.
And then he rides off into the sunset.
See? There they go.
Fine figure of a man.
Sets tall in the saddle.
Well, don't he have no sweetheart like Hoot Gibson always has? No.
Ain't no girl good enough for Quirt Manly.
He only loves his horse and his dog.
Him and Elly'd sure hit it off.
Both of them being fond of critters, and neither one of them having a sweetheart.
Yonder goes the man for Elly May.
If he can tame the whole Wild West, I reckon he can tame one wild girl.
Leastwise he'd have a fighting chance.
Whereabouts would a fella go to find ol' Quirt? Off into the sunset, I reckon.
That's where they always go.
Mighty big place to commence looking.
Sorry, Skipper, must you must not uproot Mrs.
Drysdale's prize bulbocodium vernum.
That's the botanical term for daffodils.
Now, if you're a good boy Oh-oh.
If you're a good boy, Jane has a reward for you.
A genuine Quirt Manly cowboy outfit.
I'm glad you like it.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Greetings, Jethro.
And how is my strong, handsome, manly hero today? Oh, you'll have to ask Granny.
She's the one that watches him.
Watches who? Quirt Manly.
Oh, you thought I was referring to the television star.
Oh, I know you're hungry, Skipper.
So am I, but this stew ain't nearly ready yet.
Stew? Jethro, what are you putting in there? Everything I can lay my hands on.
Ain't got no flavor at all.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Jethro! Not tea.
Oh, you poor, dear boy.
You need a woman to do this kind of work for you.
That's a fact.
You can say that again.
There happens to be such a woman available.
I know, but I don't stand much chance with her.
Would you like her to take over right now and prepare you a delicious meal, hmm? I sure would.
Then drop to your knees, my handsome man, and ask me the question that is in your heart.
Please, will you go get Granny? Yes! My answer is Granny?! Jethro, get up off that floor and stir the stew.
Hi, Miss Jane.
Will you stay and have vittles with us Such as they is? Well, yes, but why not let me do? Hey, Skipper.
Come on, Skipper, let's swing through the trees.
Elly, what are you doing? We's playin' ape.
Looky here.
Elly, no, please.
Be careful.
Sure would like to know where to find that Quirt Manly.
If you mean the television star, he lives right here in Beverly Hills.
He does? Could we get him to meet up with Elly May? I'm sure Mr.
Drysdale could arrange it.
I sure wish he'd hurry.
That little monkey's liable to get hisself hurt.
I see you got some vittles.
Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Told the fella down at the store about Granny watching TV all day instead of cooking So he sold me these TV vittles.
All packaged up and ready to eat.
That's fine.
Now when Quirt Manly gets here, we got something else to offer him besides that pitiful stew.
Is Quirt Manly coming here? That's right.
And I want you to get the truck around back so when he rides up here his horse won't shy at it.
Well, yes, sir! And see your gun's cleaned good.
We'll ask him to give us some shootin' lessons.
But we know how to shoot.
Not like that rascal.
Granny says he can drop seven, eight rustlers with one shot.
Ooh, ooh! That ain't all.
He's got a couple six-shooters that shoot all day without reloading.
I can't wait to meet that rascal.
What are they scrapping over, Granny? A little leather pouch no bigger than that.
What's in it? Don't know.
But there's 22 men tearing each other apart trying to get it.
Mighty big crowd sitting there watching 'em.
But not one of them has lifted a finger to stop that terrible fight.
That little fella in the striped shirt seems to be trying.
Aw, him? He keeps blowing a whistle and hopping around.
The minute he turns his back they line up and go to scrapping again.
Granny, Mr.
Clampett, Quirt Manly just turned into your driveway.
Quirt Manly! Yes, I knew Mr.
Drysdale could arrange it.
Quirt could whup the whole bowl full of ya.
Come on, Granny, Miss Jane.
You find Elly May and get her into a dress.
That's Quirt all right.
I'd know Silver Trigger's neigh any place.
What about them two gunshots? Brace yourself, Jed.
We're liable to find 30 or 40 rustlers laying out front.
Don't shoot, Quirt! We ain't rustlers! We's friends, Mr.
That we is.
How come you ain't riding Silver Trigger? Did them dirty rustlers get him? We'll help you find him.
But I ain't no Quirt Manly.
Jed, there's only one man like him.
Why, he's the biggest, the bravest, the fightin'-est, the strongest, the hard-ridin'-est and the straight- shootin'-est man alive! Are you people puttin' me on? Who said that? Somebody back here? Was that you who spoke, Mr.
Manly? Oh, oh, yeah, why, why, sure it was.
Uh, I got a sore throat.
Sometimes the voice just sneaks out that way.
Come on in, Quirt I'll doctor ya.
Ain't got the time, ma'am, ain't got the time.
Still, I I'll autograph a couple of pictures for you before I go.
There you are.
Well, so long, now.
I got to be drivin' off into the sunset.
Wait a minute, uh, what about Elly May? Elly May? Why, sure.
There you are.
Clampett! Elly May is swinging through the trees with Skipper and refuses to come down! I'll go fetch her down if you can keep Mr.
Manly from leaving.
Please don't go, Quirt.
Well, sorry, ma'am, but got to hit the trail.
Well, so long, y'all.
Uh, h-hold on there, Mr.
My boss, Mr.
Drysdale, has been speaking with your boss, the sponsor, and he wants you to stay here and meet Elly May.
Oh, well, in that case, I I reckon I could spare a couple of moments.
Bless ya, Quirt! Oh, bless ya, Quirt! Elly May is the wildest young'un that ever come down from the hills! But if there's one man alive who can tame her, it's big Quirt Manly! Why, thank you, ma'am.
What a man.
Thank you.
I wish I was ten years younger.
I tell you right now, I'd give that Elly May a run for her money.
I always was partial to tall men.
Come on, Quirt.
You and me are gonna heft a jug together.
Oh, I know you don't drink, but it won't hurt you to fall off the wagon just once.
Elly May, I don't want no more arguments from you.
You get up them back stairs and change into a dress.
Well, why can't I wear cowboy clothes like Quirt Manly? Because a man like Manly wants a woman that's womanly.
Now, get! Well, Jethro, did you What are you pouring into the stew? Cornmeal it gives it some body.
Now, you set down and make yourself to home while I run upstairs and fetch Elly May.
If you want to see a real rip-snortin' fight, turn on the TV.
There's 22 fellers are havin' a real knockdown and drag-out.
'Course, you could whup 'em with one hand.
You look lovely, Elly May, simply lovely.
I'll go the back way and get your father.
Yonder he sets that's him, with the broad shoulders and hat.
Sets tall in the chair, don't he? Sure does, Granny.
Wait'll he stands up.
Your heart will jump right into your mouth.
Manly, this here is Elly May.
Howdy do? Glad to make your acquaintance.
Jed! Jed! What is it, Granny? The rustlers must've jumped Quirt whilst we were out! Look! Look! We got to catch 'em, Granny.
They done run off with the best part of him.
Now, uh, Granny, I know you've had a cruel blow, seeing your hero come apart like that right in front of your eyes, but you can't drown your sorrows in a jug.
I don't take more than a thimbleful, and you know it! Now, don't fly off at me.
By the way, where is your drinkin' thimble? Right here.
Granny, uh, how about we all take a nice ride in the truck? Little fresh air might do you some good after a thimbleful of that rheumatiz medicine.
I ain't had none of it yet.
I don't want to lighten the jug.
How come? 'Cause when I find that Quirt Manly, I'm gonna throw it at him! Now, Granny.
Gee, that's the first time I've ever seen a swimmin' chicken.
Shucks, that's nothing.
I got a cat that swims, too.
And a rooster that plays dead, a dog that climbs trees, and a turkey that shakes hands.
My goodness! I just love animals like these.
That is, the little ones.
Big animals, like horses, kind of scare me.
But you ride like the wind on TV.
Oh, that's not me, Elly May; that's my double.
He does my ridin', shootin', fightin', fallin' off cliffs and things like that.
I have another double who does the deep voice for me.
I call him my "double double.
" What do you do, Mr.
Manly? Oh, please, Elly May, call me Henry.
That's my real name, you see.
I'm only on the show because my father's the sponsor.
They just use me for close-ups.
They say I have a sincere face.
You've got a nice face.
I like it.
Oh, thank you, Elly May.
I like your face, too.
And now that I come to think of it, I like the rest of you.
Did you notice that that rhymed? Yeah.
Well, that's what I really like to do Make up poems for girls like you.
Well, there goes another one right there! They just pop out of me at times.
Would you like me to make up a poem about a raccoon? I sure would, and Elmer would, too.
Very well.
I like the raccoon because he so filled with goodness and generosity.
Well, look how he gives us his skin for use on our garments and other apparel.
In addition, raccoons act natural and don't put on airs, as do skunks and old turnips.
Cheer up, Granny; there's someone here to see you.
Whee! Well, I don't want to see him.
He reminds me of Quirt Manly.
Though he's a heap more of a man.
Handles a gun a heap better, too.
He's the one that ought to be on TV.
Hi, Elly May.
Hey, excuse me, little feller, can you tell me where I could find Mr.
Quirt Manly? I noticed you was totin' his hat for him.
Well, this here is Quirt Manly, Jethro.
Stop joking, Elly May I'm in a hurry.
I want to ask him if I can borrow his pretty car to drive around the block a couple times.
Well, yes, you may, Jethro.
The car belongs to my father.
So it's all right.
Yahoo! Hey, do you think he'd tear me to pieces if I borrowed his hat, too? I can promise you he won't.
Hot diggety dog! Yee-haw! Mr.
Manly, could I have a word with you, please? I know what you're gonna say, Mr.
Clampett, and-and I don't blame you for wanting to shoot me.
Oh, it ain't nothing like that at all.
I just want to talk to you about Granny.
Guess I must've been a terrible disappointment to her.
She is a mite let down, but I think we can pull her out of it if we all tug together.
Now, first off, I'm gonna learn you how to shoot a gun, and Elly here is gonna learn you how to fight.
I'm afraid of guns, but I might like learning to fight.
Whoo-hoo! Ma'am, you hadn't ought to jumped in the car like that, especially with me going pretty near 30 miles an hour.
I'd do anything to sit next to Quirt Manly.
But my name ain't Quirt Manly.
Don't think you can fool me I've seen you on television, and I've dreamed of the day when I could get close enough to throw my arms around you and kiss you, my darling Quirt.
But honest, ma'am, my name is Your name is what? My name is Quirt Manly! Whew! Don't fight over me, girls.
There's plenty for everybody.
I tell you, Granny, that little feller is a crack shot.
He can stand on our front porch and light a match clean out by the front gate, with a six-shooter.
I don't believe it! Come on out he'll show you.
Jed tells me you're pretty good with them six-shooters.
Granny, he's a blue-tailed marvel.
He's gonna whip out them guns and bam, bam, bam, light them three matches stuck in the ground down there this side of the wall.
I'll believe it when I see it.
All right.
Where are you going? Oh, I can't bear to watch him.
He puts me plumb to shame.
Well, commence shootin'.
Y-You count to three, and I'll draw and fire.
One, two, three.
Well, I got to admit, that's pretty good Why, you ain't even drawed your gun, you little faker, you! Granny, hold on there! Get that little sawed-off faker out of here! But-but Elly's right fond of him.
See, Granny, some heroes is fighters, and some heroes is lovers, and I reckon that little cowboy is a lover.
Hogwash! I'm gonna get my shotgun and blast the inside out of that lyin' TV set, and if he ain't gone by then, he's next! Now, Granny, wait! Hey, Uncle Jed, lookie what I got! Jethro, where'd you get all these girls? Well, they think I'm a rich TV star.
Say, uh, if you girls cotton to money, I'll show you how you can divide up that whole roll.
He's a little cowboy inside there.
All you got to do is go in there and make a big fuss over him and take on about how cute he is.
Will you do it? Sure! Come on.
Come on.
Here we go.
Hey, b-but, Uncle Jed, them girls was mine! You'll get 'em back, Jethro, as soon as they show Granny what a ladies' man little Quirt is.
Jed! Jed, the house is swarming with girls! Yeah, and you see who they's all crazy about? You betcha he's a real star, that little feller! Girls! You got the wrong little cowboy! Wait Now, Granny Don't shoot the TV set! I ain't! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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