The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e16 Episode Script

The Giant Jackrabbit

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
You see, Duke, it's easy.
I just throw this stick out yonder You pick it up and fetch it back.
Now we'll do it again.
Go on, boy.
Get it.
Fetch it, Duke.
Fetch it, fetch it.
All right, I'll show you.
Just once more, now.
You watch.
Catch on, Duke? Catch on, boy? Once more.
Fetch it, Duke.
Get it.
Come on.
Come on, boy.
Get it.
You know something, Uncle Jed? That there is a real dumb dog.
Well, I don't think he's so dumb, Jethro.
He just learned you how to fetch sticks for him.
But the dog is the one that's supposed to do the fetching.
Why, there's a fella own the street that has a dog that fetches sticks for him all day.
Well, next time you want some sticks fetched, go down the street and let that dog fetch them.
Ol' Duke don't care nothing about it.
Jed, do you want some vittles today? I do, Granny.
I've worked up a right smart appetite fetching sticks for ol' Duke.
You see, Jed? That's the trouble around here.
The critters are taking over.
Elly May has done made pets out of everything but my pickled turnips.
What are we gonna do for vittles? Hey, I remember something Mr.
Drysdale told us when we first moved in here.
What's that? He said anytime Granny didn't feel like cooking, there was some folks that'd fetch food over to us.
Here in Beverly Hills? Yes, ma'am.
All you gotta do is call them on the telephone and tell them what you want.
Well, doggies.
That's mighty neighborly.
You recall their name, Jethro? Let's see.
Uh Caterer.
Recall her first name? It's a woman.
Beverly Caterer? Must be a widow woman.
They's the best cooks, Jed.
They have more time.
Well, let's call up the widow and see what she's cooking today.
Now, just a minute, Jed.
I want it made clear that I'm gonna do something for her in return.
Oh, naturally.
We don't take charity.
Come on, Duke.
Let's try again.
Oh, howdy, Miss Operator.
This here is Jed Clampett.
I'm wanting to call a widow Caterer.
Beverly is her Christian name.
I don't rightly know what her late husband was called.
Anyway, she's the one that cooks the food and takes it around to folks.
Yes, ma'am, that's it Beverly Caterer.
Oh Caterers, is it? More than one? Looks like the widow's got some young'uns to help her.
That's good, Jed.
Most times they leave home, just when Uh Well, thank you, ma'am.
What was that you were saying, Granny? I was saying that most time the young'uns leaves home just about the time that you're Well, howdy to you, Miss Beverly Caterer.
This here is Jed Clampett.
Sounds like a right friendly woman.
Howdy, Beverly.
This here is Granny.
I'm a widow myself, and I was just saying to Jed, it's nice when the young'uns stay home to help you.
So many times they leave just when you need them most.
I'll let you women folks talk about the vittles, but first I just want to say if ever you need a fence mended or a well dug or any heavy work at all, you just call on Jethro and me.
Now here's Granny.
Beverly, what you got on the back of the stove this morning? I don't I want to put you to no extra trouble.
Huh? Well, me, I'm partial to baked possum, but we'll take jowls or fatback or sowbelly.
Any kind of meat will pleasure us considerable.
What's that? Bunch of nuts? Well, you can send them along, but I'll tell you right now, the critters will get the bulk of them.
Now tell me something we can do for you, honey.
Do what? Hello? Hello! I declare, Jed, I never knowed anybody could turn nasty quicker than her.
I wonder what set her off.
Hard to tell, Jed.
A generous woman like her probably gets took advantage of a lot.
And tired to boot, I reckon.
Uncle Jed, I can't learn this dumb ol' dog to fetch this stick.
Well, Duke ain't about to waste his time chasing a piece of wood He's a hunting dog.
Can I take him hunting, then? I'd like to see him chase something.
Praise be, that's a idea that might put some fresh meat on our table.
All right, boy, it makes more sense than fetching a stick, especially to Duke.
You want to come along, Granny? No.
I'd better stay here and guard my kitchen.
come on, Duke, let's get the guns.
Guard your kitchen against who, Granny? Against Elly's critters, that's who.
They's beginning to take over.
Why, I can't hardly That little rascal learned to open the icebox.
Them's the last of my pickled pawpaws.
Come back here, you hairy little varmint.
Get your pawpaw picking paws off of my pickled pawpaws! Howdy, Miss Beverly.
It's me, Jed Clampett.
Sounds like you're in a right friendly mood again.
Jethro's going out to shoot us some fresh game meat.
The monkey got in the icebox, and Granny's right upset.
Now, Beverly, could you spare us a jar of pickled pawpaws? What's that? Why, Miss Caterer, I never Hello Miss Caterer? Hello? Hey, Uncle Jed? Hey, that Miss Caterer being a widow and such a good cook and friendly and generous and all, how about you courting her? Get Elly a new ma, huh? I don't think so, Jethro.
She's got a temper goes off just like that, and when it does, she turns plumb nasty.
Matter of fact, I'm beginning to wonder whether Mr.
Caterer passed on natural or not.
Just an idea.
Come on, Duke.
How come you're toting so many guns and that shovel, Jethro? Granny give me strict orders not to come back empty-handed.
I'm ready for anything that jumps, flies, runs or digs into the ground.
Good luck, boy.
Oh, Chief, thank goodness you're back.
I didn't want to disturb you at the meeting, but your wife has been calling frantically.
Oh, that woman gets hysterical over nothing.
What's it now? Well, it-it seems there's a kangaroo in your backyard.
You see? The slightest little What?! Now, Chief, stay calm.
Wh-Wh a kangaroo? Where did it come from? Australia.
That-that's the only continent where Oh, I know that.
How did it get in my backyard? Well, your wife was rather incoherent, but Ravenswood said it's from the Second National Bank of Melbourne.
Second National Oh, that's where Gene Sandbloom was transferred to from.
That explains his Christmas card.
May I share the humor of the situation, Chief? Well, I sent him an alligator wallet, so he said he was going to send me a kangaroo pouch.
Kangaroo pouch.
On the hoof, as it were.
Sandbloom does have a sense of humor.
Yes, we'll have the zoo pick it up.
I'll call Margaret.
Drysdale's office.
Oh, Ravenswood.
Good, I'll tell Mr.
Oh, and-and don't worry about the kangaroo.
The zoo will take care of it.
Ravenswood has your wife under sedation, and she is resting comfortably.
Oh, good.
Here we are.
A bit of mutton and Yorkshire pudding should hit the spot.
You may be from Down Under, but we're all part of the Empire.
Oh, drat.
The zoo must have already come for you.
Oh, I'm gonna cook up a rabbit stew Soon as Jethro shoots me one or two Then we'll all sit down to the table And we'll eat and we'll eat How's it going, Granny? Jed, has Jethro leaved to go hunting yet? Yep.
Well, he needn't have bothered.
There's a jackrabbit out back that high.
Now, you hold on, Jed Clampett.
I tell you I ain't touched a drop and there is a giant jackrabbit out in our backyard and it is this high.
Granny, you and me has seen some good-sized jacks in our day, but not five foot tall.
Jed, there's a lot of things we never seen back home that we is seeing out here.
And that's one of them: a piano-playing, icebox-opening, pawpaw-pilfering ape.
All right, Granny.
I'll go take a look at your jackrabbit.
Come on, you can see for yourself.
He can jump over this house, I tell you.
In one hop! Whereabouts is he? I don't know, but sure as I live and breathe, he was sitting right there.
Five foot tall and looking me in the eye.
Five foot tall sitting, was he? Yes, he was.
Where did that jackrabbit go? Well, uh, why don't you look out front? Maybe he hopped over the house, just like you said.
You think I'm talking nonsense, but you'll see 'cause I'll find him.
What's all the shouting about, Granny? Nothing.
Don't tell her, Jed.
I don't want her making a pet out of all that meat.
Elly, go in the kitchen and get out my biggest pot, and start peeling taters lots of them! Here, Jack.
Here, Jack.
Here, Jack.
Who's Jack, Pa? Never mind, Elly.
Just try to keep your critters from pestering Granny.
You got her so upset, she's got into her jug, and now she's seeing visions.
What kind of visions? Well, I reckon it's all right to tell you.
Granny thinks she seed a five-foot jackrabbit.
Howdy, Mr.
The weather's turned off real nice, ain't it? There's some mighty fine clover out there on the lawn if want to fatten up uh, I mean, if you're hungry.
Now, don't you go away.
There's somebody I want you to meet.
I'll be right back.
Jed, Jed, come a-runnin'! I found him! Come quick! Jed, Jed, I seen him again The giant jackrabbit! I'll bet you did.
He's right out front! Come on, I'll show him to you! Maybe you'd better lay down a spell.
No, no, he'll get away again! All right, I'll take a look.
You see him, Jed? I lost my glasses.
But he must be out there somewhere.
Well, yeah, I see him.
Is he out on the lawn eating clover? Great big ol' pink jackrabbit.
Pink?! Now don't get upset There's other colors, too.
There's a blue one, there's a green one, and here comes one with purple polka dots.
Oh, I wish I could see them.
What's that you say, Mr.
Jackrabbit? All right, I'll tell her.
He says he thinks you ought to go in and lay down.
Yeah, I think I better had, Jed.
Well, howdy, Miss Jane.
Jethro and Duke What a wonderful surprise.
But why do you look so worried, noble beast? 'Cause I can't find no good hunting place, that's why.
Granny gave me strict orders to bring home some meat.
Jethro, food should never be a problem to people of your means.
There are markets, supermarkets, caterers.
Uncle Jed called that there Beverly Caterer.
He got mean-mouthed something awful.
Mean-mouthed? Yeah.
He says she's the nastiest-tempered woman that ever answered a telephone.
Well, Mr.
Drysdale shall hear of this.
The bank has a substantial interest in Beverly Caterers.
You wait here.
Well, howdy, Beverly.
This is Jed Clampett.
You're sounding right pleasant again.
Now, wait, ma'am.
I ain't called to ask for vittles.
It's just that Granny's laying down with a right smart headache.
I was wondering whether you could fix her a poultice.
Tell her to do what? Well, I don't hardly see how that could help a headache.
Now wait a minute, ma'am, don't go flying off the handle.
I just Hello? Hello? No two ways about it That woman has got a temper like a wet hornet.
Hello, Beverly Caterers? One moment, please.
Have you spoken to a Mr.
Jed Clampett today? Wha What? Now just a minute, young lady.
What is your name? What do you mean Puddin' Tame? Now you put Mr.
Tinsman on the phone and tell him it's Milburn Drysdale calling.
The nastiest-tempered young woman I ever spoke to.
Jed! Jed, come quick! He's back again! He ran outside there! Go look! Quick, Jed! Who's that, Granny? The giant jackrabbit! Oh, him again.
All right, where's the jug? What jug? The jug that rabbit keeps coming out of.
The jug that gave you that headache.
I ain't touched the jug.
I busted my head running into them curtains.
Yeah, sure.
They'll do it all right.
Now, I got to catch that giant jackrabbit.
Where's my shotgun? Jethro's got it out hunting.
Well, then we got to catch a snare and put a snare out for him.
Granny, wouldn't you rather lay back down and let me bring you a nice, big cup of black coffee? Now I'm going to catch that big giant jackrabbit whether you help me or not, and I don't care.
I'll help you, I'll help you.
All right, now you get me a nice, big, stout rope and put some bait in the snare.
Yeah, it'd take about two dozen carrots for a rabbit that size.
Now you're thinking straight.
Yeah, just took me awhile.
Ah, Jethro.
Restitution is about to made.
Now give your Uncle Jed a message from me Tell him that the young woman who was so rude on the telephone will arrive in person to offer her abject apology.
And tell Granny she needn't worry about food.
The young lady will also bring with her a truckful of delicious, piping-hot viands and an assortment of tasty beverages, all of which will be offered at your pleasure.
Have I anything else to say, Miss Hathaway? No, no, Chief, I think you've said it all.
That sure is going to make Uncle Jed and Granny happy.
Thank you, Mr.
Not at all.
Glad to do it.
Jethro don't you think you should reward me for my efforts? Well all I got with me is a nickel and two pennies, but you can have that.
There are other ways for a handsome, young man to reward the young lady.
They is? Yes.
Tell me, do you enjoy kissing? Well, I like to kiss girls.
Well, then I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to enjoy yourself.
Go ahead, Jethro, enjoy yourself.
I am.
I am.
Get out of here, you shameless vixen! Uh, yes, ma'am.
Come on, Duke.
Thank you for the kiss.
No, I Out.
Now let's see If I was to tie another rope onto the bottom of that limb, pull it down and then take my loop and put some carrots in it Howdy, Mr.
Would you like to step into my kitchen? You ain't gonna get away from me again, I can tell you that.
Now, are you going to come peaceable, or do I have to take you by force? Jed, Jed, come a-runnin'! Come a-runnin'! He's back! Quieten down, Granny.
What's the matter now? The giant jackrabbit I had him cornered, but he fist fought me.
Fist fought you? Yes, he did.
Now you go outside and belt him upside the jaw.
Granny, where are you hiding them jugs? Oh, I'm gonna cook up a rabbit stew And one giant rabbit will more than do Granny, you don't have to do no cooking.
Well, like I said, that there Beverly Caterer's going to bring over a whole truckload of viands and beverages.
I ain't depending on nobody with a temper as bad as hers.
Besides, I don't need her viands.
For the next couple of weeks, we're going to be eating high on the rabbit.
Where'd you get all the rabbits? One rabbit, Jethro.
One rabbit? He must be a whopper.
Remember those big mountain jacks we used to see back home? Yeah.
I seen me a jackrabbit that could put a pair of them in his pocket.
In his pocket? Sure.
He stands five feet tall, and he has a pocket right You don't believe me, do you? Oh, yes, I do, Granny.
No, you don't.
Oh, Granny, sure I do.
No, you don't.
All right, I don't believe you.
How dast you call me a liar! Now, Granny When I tell you something I mean it! Mr.
Tinsman, do I have to face Mr.
Clampett all by myself? Yes, you do.
You're the one who insulted him on the phone.
And you're the one he'll expect an apology from.
But he talked like a nut.
Miss Billington, a man as rich as Mr.
Clampett may talk like an eccentric, but never like a nut.
I sure hope he'll forgive me.
He'll forgive you.
If he's anywhere between 15 and 95, he'll forgive you.
I'll take the food round to the kitchen.
Uh, is Mr.
Clampett at home? I'm Jed Clampett.
Come right in.
This little fella don't say much, but he's right smart.
Clampett, I'm here to apologize about the way I spoke to you on the telephone earlier today.
Oh, you're, uh Beverly Caterers.
Yes, sir.
Well, you're a deal younger than I figured.
Heap prettier, too.
Thank you.
I'm awfully sorry about losing my temper when you called.
Oh, now, now, I understand.
Woman works hard all day cooking, doing for others, young'uns hanging on her apron, she gets a might waspish.
And you not having a husband to help.
Yes, that's right, I don't have a husband.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
How many young'uns you got? Young'uns? Helping with the cooking and fetching over to your place? Oh, help.
Uh, well, let's see Seven.
Seven? Why, you must be from our part of the country.
Got started young, didn't you? Well, come on.
Granny will be wanting to meet you.
She's out in the kitchen.
I got you, you big, overgrown rascal.
Now you're coming into the house.
I'm showing you to Jed.
And then you're going into the stew.
That's where you're going.
Oh, that's Mr.
Tinsman at the back door.
He's my boss.
Come in, come in.
I'm Jed Clampett.
A real pleasure, Mr.
I'm Bill Tinsman.
I hope everything has been straightened out, and that Beverly Caterers will always be welcome in your home.
Why, you bet your life.
This is a mighty fine, young woman.
She says you're her boss.
That is right.
I own Beverly Caterers.
The dickens you say.
Can you do that out here? Why, of course.
Oh, Mr.
Drysdale holds a small mortgage, but as soon as that's paid off, she's all mine.
If that don't take the ham off the hog.
Jed! Jed! Now, Jed, you can see I ain't been at no jug.
Now, these folks is Beverly Caterers and Bill Tinsman.
They's the ones does all the cooking.
I hope we can cook for you, Granny.
You can commence with this one.
I caught him Now you can cook him.
Why, you little varmint.
You untied my giant jackrabbit.
Giant jackrabbit? Yes, my giant jackrabbit.
That's what I wanted you to cook for me.
He stands about five foot tall, has brown eyes and a pocket right here.
Now don't you go away.
I'll go get him for you.
Granny, wait a minute, wait We be back directly.
You all go in the parlor and let the little fella play piano for you.
You say eccentric? I still say nuts.
I say you're right.
Let's get out of here.
I don't understand it.
He was free why should he return? Something must have frightened him.
I'll say, if he prefers this crate to freedom.
What could it have been? Hello over there! Yes, Granny, what is it? You see anything of a jackrabbit? No, we haven't.
You won't find any jackrabbits in Beverly Hills, Granny.
I'll telephone the zoo, sir.
I say there's a giant jackrabbit around here someplace, and I'm gonna find him if it's the last thing I ever do.
Sure you are, Granny.
Now come in and lay down.
I'm going to get that nice Beverly Caterers to make a poultice for your head.
Granny, Granny, you caught something in your snare.
See, Jed, what did I tell you? What did she catch, Elly? Jethro.
Hey, Uncle Jed, cut me down! Uncle Jed! Cut me down! Hey, Uncle Jed! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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