The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e20 Episode Script

Lafe Returns

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Now, Granny, Elly wouldn't milk her goat in the kitchen.
She wouldn't, huh? You go look for yourself.
Well? She ain't milkin' her goat.
She ain't? Now, Granny, wait a minute.
Hold on, Granny.
She's done learnt that hairy ape to do it! Get out of my kitchen, you dad-blamed varmints! This ain't no barn! Shoo! Thelma, don't run so hard.
Get off, Skipper! I'll whomp the whole kit n' caboodle of you! Granny, I don't think whomping's gonna do no good.
Now, I've been studyin' this problem a heap, and I think I got it figured out.
I'm listenin'.
Well, the only thing that's gonna get Elly's mind off of critters is a nice lookin' young fellow.
I'm all for gettin' Elly a fella.
Maybe Mr.
Drysdale can help.
He's got some fine lookin' young hands workin' down at his bank.
Now you're talkin'.
You get yourself a son-in-law that can keep his eyes on your money.
I'll call Mr.
Progress report on "Operation: Boyfriend for Elly May".
Phase one: Data cards of all male employees were withdrawn from personnel file and fed into bank's electronic computer to select those with the characteristics of an ideal husband.
With incredible speed and accuracy, all were rejected.
What? Phase two: Personal interviews conducted by yours truly proved more effective.
Intensive interrogation, careful screening and intuitive judgment have produced Never mind all that.
Jed Clampett is on his way down here to look over his prospective sons-in-law.
Now, I want to look them over first where are they? He is waiting in my office.
He? One man you found? Only one whose qualifications make him worthy of the hand of Elly May Clampett.
Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly Oh, bring him in He'll be an old man before I get to meet him.
Fred Penrod of the accounting department.
Milburn Drysdale, president of the Commerce Bank and your esteemed employer.
My boy I've been looking forward to shaking your hand.
I have great things in mind for you.
Why, just last week, I was saying to my board of directors, "Keep your eyes on that up-and-coming young man, Rod Penfred!" Uh, Fred Penrod.
I've been watching you ever since you started to work here.
Oh, well, I-I just started this morning, sir.
Exactly, and already your work is so outstanding I have you earmarked for promotion.
Well, well, to be very honest with you, sir, I haven't done any work yet.
And it's that very honesty that has brought you to my attention.
Now, I'd like you to come to my house tonight for dinner and bring your wife.
Drysdale Mm-hmm? He isn't married.
Not married? Too bad.
Well, there goes your vice presidency, my boy! Vice presidency? Oh, yes, but I could only trust a married man with that kind of responsibility.
Are you are you, by any chance, engaged? Uh, n-no, sir.
Do you have a girlfriend? N-no, sir, I-I just moved out here from Kansas City.
Oh, what a golden opportunity you're losing, eh, Miss Hathaway? Right you are, Chief.
We've got to get this young man married.
He does need a wife.
Somewhere, there must be the right girl for him.
Somewhere, indeed.
A girl that can take him from accounting to the vice presidency of this bank.
Chief! I think I have the answer.
Good girl.
Good-bye! Wait, where are you going? Back to Kansas City.
They may have some crazy little women there, but no crazy accountants.
Oh, c-come back, let's talk this over.
I-I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but I-I am not going to marry you.
Me?! Oh, no, no, no.
Oh! We have someone else in mind.
I mean, I'm sure we can find someone.
Excuse me, Mr.
Ah, Mr.
Clampett, come in.
I want you to meet a fine young man, Mr.
Pen Fredrod.
Uh, Fred Penrod.
Now, Mr.
Clampett here is our biggest depositor.
Oh, congratulations, sir.
Well, it's no credit to me.
My pa was a big man, too He was taller than me.
You know, in addition to being our biggest depositor, Mr.
Clampett is also our richest.
And he has one of the most beautiful daughters in all of Beverly Hills.
Ah, yes, the fabulous Elly May.
Tell me, Mr.
Clampett, is that ravishing daughter of yours married? Well, now, Mr.
Drysdale, I just called you on the telephone, and I told you I was lookin' for somebody to court Elly May, remember? Did you hear that, Fredpen? Rodpen.
Huh, that name of yours is quite a mouthful.
You mind if I just call you Rod? Fred.
No, I'm Jed I want you to meet my daughter.
Oh, I'm sure that'll be Jake, eh, Fred? No, Elly I'm Jed Rod.
Fred! Jed.
No, no, hold it, hold it, everybody.
Let's start all over.
Little pawpaw tree, you're gonna make me rich! Yes, sir.
You're gonna help me dig up old Jed's money he's got buried around here somewhere.
Lafe Crick! Yeah, I'm back again, Granny you miss me? No, and I ain't gonna miss you now! Elly May, fetch my shotgun! Oh, now, Granny! Is that any way to behave to an old friend that just drove all the way out here from back home to bring you that pawpaw tree? That little pawpaw tree for me? Yes it is, Granny.
Where'd you steal it? You cute little old possum, you.
If I didn't have my lovin' wife, Maudy, back to home, I'd come a-courtin' you! Why, you lazy, good-for-nothin', ornery, low-down, thievin' polecat! Dogged if you don't sweet-talk me better than my Maudy! Here's your gun, Granny.
Howdy, Mr.
Elly, darlin' You must've heard your sweet little old granny wrong.
She said to fetch a shovel so ol' Lafe could go and plant that there pawpaw tree he done brung you! Pawpaw! No wonder Granny's jumpin' for joy! Now go fetch that shovel now, honey, and you take this thing away, huh? Why, you good-for-nothin' ol' gully jumper! Granny, you sure do know how to make a man feel to home.
I sure do appreciate you givin' me vittles, Granny.
I wouldn't turn a dog away hungry! Soap them hands again! Well, I soaped 'em three times already.
You're gonna take the hide clean off me.
Nobody sits at my table less they's clean! Now wash! Well, anything you say, Granny.
I sure wouldn't want to get 'em so softened up I can't dig a big hole for that pawpaw tree I brung you.
Don't worry about that.
Gonna be mighty fine pickin' them big, sweet, fresh pawpaws right off-a the tree like back home, huh? Huh, Granny, huh? You can't get any of them out here, now, can you, huh? Let's see your hands.
Well, now, them's what I call puckered up clean.
All right, now I'll set the vittles on the table whilst you wash your face.
My face?! What for? I don't eat with my face.
You want vittles? Well, I do, for a fact, Granny.
I'm plumb starved after totin' that pawpaw tree all the way out here from back home just so's you can have them big, nice, juicy pawpaws.
Then shut that big hole in your face and wash it! Anything you say, Granny.
Ooh-whee, you got more vittles than Luke's General Store down in Sibley.
Supposin' I just help myself.
Then, you won't have to put Get your big ham hocks out of here! Sit down! Well, anything you say, Granny.
My, that ham sure does look good.
Granny, Granny! Now, you make yourself a couple of ham sandwiches, and I'll be right back.
Whereabouts you want your pawpaw tree planted, Granny? Anywhere handy to the house where it gets a lot of sun.
Well, how about where we filled in your root cellar? No, no! You're bound to hit oil.
We don't want that messy stuff squirtin' out of the ground.
Wherever you dig, dig shallow.
I hadn't figured on doin' the actual plantin'.
Crick seemed right anxious to do that hisself.
No, no, if he digs, he's bound to strike oil.
That man fetches nothin' but bad luck with him.
All right, Granny, well, Skipper and me will plant it.
And hurry.
The quicker that tree is in the ground, the quicker we'll be shed of that hairy vittle vulture! Granny, you'll hurt his feelings.
I'm talkin' about that hairy varmint settin' in the kitchen the ugly one! Let's go, Skip.
You make yourself a sandwich, or do you want me to? Did you eat all the ham they was?! Only the one you give me.
If you got more, I got more room.
You got more in you now than a smokehouse! Get outta here! Well, Gra Granny, I need my strength to dig a hole for that pawpaw tree I brung you.
Elly May is done plantin' the tree! Now get out of here! Elly May shouldn't do hard work like that.
That's for me to do.
Now you climb into that puddle jumper of yours and take your worthless carcass back to the mud water that you come from, you big bullfrog! You keep sweet-talki" me like that, you're gonna make me homesick for Maudy.
Varmint! Vittle stealer! I don't have to ask you who you're yellin' at.
I seen Lafe's car out front.
Where's Elly? Out back plantin' the pawpaw tree that Lafe brung us.
I'll go tell her to get prettied up.
There's a fella comin' to court her.
Lafe Crick brung us a pawpaw tree? Yep.
He's givin' it to us, free? Well, I wouldn't exactly say free.
It's already cost me a ham, a pound of butter and a loaf of bread.
And my usually sweet disposition.
Elly Elly, honey! Where are you, darlin'? Over here, Mr.
This here's a dandy spot, Skipper.
Plenty of sun.
Wait a minute, Elly Now, hold on.
Diggin' in the ground ain't no job for a sweet, pretty millionaire's daughter.
You let ol' Lafe do that, huh? Hello there, son, you run along now.
But-but Granny wants me to do it.
Oh, now, Elly, darlin', you wouldn't want me to break my word of honor to Maudy, would you? I done give her my promise, crossed my heart that I'd plant this here tree.
You did? I took a vow on it.
And it's only fair.
She went all the way out in the woods, dug it up, toted it four miles back to the cabin.
Well Well, now, you run along and help your granny.
Well, now, will you look at this? Isn't this a nice spot? It's already been dug up.
We won't ruin no grass.
Yeah, but Pa wouldn't want you to dig there! Why not, sweetheart? Somethin' buried here, hmm? Yes, sir, and he wants it to stay buried.
Hey, howdy there, Lafe.
Granny tells me you brung us a pawpaw tree.
I did, for a fact, Jed.
All the way from back home, just because I knowed it would pleasure you and-and sweet little Granny, too.
I told him not to dig there because they was Never mind, Elly.
Uh, now, uh, why don't you, uh, run on in the house and get yourself one of them there What you call Uh, bubble bath? Get all sweet and pretty smellin', because there's a young city fella comin' over to court you.
They is? What's his name? His full name is, uh, Fredpen Rodpen Penrod, but he answers to, uh, Fred, uh, Rod or, uh, Jake.
He sure has got a slew of names, ain't he? He's got three names he don't even use, just the initials, uh, C.
Now run on, honey.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Jed, I couldn't help pickin' up a word here and there.
Now surely you ain't fixin' to let no city fella come a-courtin' Elly May, not when I got a big, strong, handsome, hard-workin', honest, likeable, intelligent, unmarried son back home? Is that the one they call "weasel"? The one spends most of his time in jail? That's the boy! He's out again now, Jed.
Turned over a new leaf, straightening up fine.
No offense, Lafe, but I kinda think Elly can do better.
Let me send for him, Jed.
You can see for yourself how he's changed, Dub has.
He's a regular city fella now.
Fit right here in Beverly Hills.
I wouldn't waste no bus fare bringin' Dub out here if I was you.
Well, I won't have to, Jed.
I'll get Maudy to put him into shoes He can walk out here.
Best forget it, Lafe.
Now if you'll excuse me, Elly's beau'll be here directly I want to see he gets greeted proper.
Well, I'll tell you right now, he won't be the boy my Dub is.
Well, thank you, Lafe, that cheers me up considerable.
Well, howdy, howdy, howdy.
You must be the young fella coming to court Elly May, my twin sister.
Twin sister? About time for young Fredpen Rodpen Penrod to be gettin' here.
What'd you say his name was? Oh, just call him Fred or Rod.
Elly May! Get a move on! Say, you n' Elly's beau's outta hit it off real good, both of you havin' such a fine education and both of you bein' partial to cipherin'.
Is he as good as me? Well, according to the way Mr.
Drysdale tells it, he makes his livin' by cipherin'.
He's whatcha call a 'countant.
Elly! We's comin', Jed.
Jethro, if you was a young city fella, wouldn't you just drop right to your knees and ask her to marry you? Yeah! Elly May, you just about the prettiest thing the Lord ever put together.
When that city boy looks at you his eyes are gonna bug right out of his head! You say that Elly May is bigger than you? Well, I wouldn't exactly want to say bigger, just fatter is all.
We used to be just as like as two peas in a pod, then Elly took to eatin' more'n I do.
Hey, they sure don't put much candy in these here fancy boxes, do they? There was three pounds in that one.
Good thing you didn't give it to Elly.
She wouldn't even bother to open it for that little dab o' sweet.
Y-Y-You know, I-I just remembered something.
I should take my motor scooter in for service It's-it's overdue.
Is that little thing what you ride? Yes, sir, it's-it's very economical.
You can't take my sister honeymoonin' on that! Why, she eats sandwiches bigger'n this contraption.
You're right.
I'll-I'll come back when I can afford a truck.
Something bigger.
Little city boy, you runnin' out on my sister? Oh Oh, n-no, sir.
'Cause if you are, you better never show your face around here again! I-I won't, I-I promise.
And you pass that word around down there to the bank.
Ain't gonna be no triflin' with Elly May Clampett.
Next young fella comes up here courtin's gonna marry her! Y-Yes, sir.
All 300 pounds of her! Yes, sir.
Now you get out of here! Yes, sir! That must be your beau! Come on, Elly! And don't you come back, boy.
Y-Y-You have my word! Howdy there, young feller.
This here's my daughter, Elly May! Hi, Fred.
Hi! So long! This girl is Elly May? That's right.
Boy, I've I-I've heard of crash diets, but this is fantastic! Is this Elly's beau? Scrawny little feller.
I'd like you to meet Elly's granny, and her cousin Jethro.
Folks, uh, this is Mr.
No, uh, P-Penrod.
stands for "Certified Public Accountant.
" Oh, we couldn't remember all them names.
Just call me Fred.
Pleased to meetcha, Freddie.
Glad to meet you, Granny.
Howdy, Fred! Hi.
Is that there your scooter? Yes, it is.
Can I ride it? Sure.
Hey, thank you! Help yourself.
It pushes hard, but it sure do ride smooth.
Come on in, young feller.
Hello? Is this Luke's General Store over t' Sibley? Is that you, Luke? Well, this is your ol' friend, Lafe Crick! Now, now, now, hold on now, Luke, don't go hangin' up.
I'm callin' for Jed Clampett! Yeah, he wants you to send my boy Dub out to Californy right away.
He is? Since when? Well, can't you get the sheriff to let him out? Now you young folks go right on in the parlor and start getting acquainted.
Granny n' me'll see you later.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Fred, uh, I'd like to have a word with you.
Uh, yes, sir.
Mmm, Skipper, I sure do hope you like that nice young fella that's come to court me.
Now, uh Granny, I reckon you'll be wanting to get the vittles ready.
Not 'specially.
Well, do it anyway.
Oh, Jed, I don't Now, I'd just like to say that my daughter Elly ain't been courted much.
She's what you might call, uh, innocent, uh, sweet and innocent.
I understand perfectly, Mr.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Fred, do you like to get hugged real hard? Boy, has your father lost touch with you! What? Yeah! Yeah, I sure do like to get hugged real hard, I sure do.
Set down right there and close your eyes.
Boy, I'm not gonna miss those crazy little women back in Kansas City one bit.
This is a good way to get acquainted.
Yeah! You know something, Elly you've got to start using a milder detergent! Oh, now, Luke, you gotta do it for me I mean for Jed.
Yeah, you gotta do it for yourself, too.
If my boy Dub's married to Jed's girl Elly you gonna get that money I owe you.
And it's gonna save me a heap o' diggin', too.
Now-now, you tell the sheriff Jed Clampett's gonna pay for everything.
Sure! A-All you gotta do is get Dub outta jail, clean him up, put shoes on him and send him out here to marry Elly May.
Luke, did you hear some noise on the line? Get outta here, you flint-headed varmint! How dare Granny, no, no! Get out of here! No, no, no, no, no! Outta here! Lafe Crick must be here.
He's Mr.
Clampett's nearest and dearest friend.
I know.
I tried to hire him as a night watchman at the bank but the poor fellow just couldn't fit it into his busy schedule.
A human dynamo, that man! Fantastic! He never stops working.
Another Jed Clampett, that's what he is.
Well, let's see how young Redfern's doing.
Redpen, Rodgroom No, uh, Red Never mind, let's see how he's doing.
Oh, Mr.
Crick! How nice to see you! Why, it's that pretty Miss Jane, Oh! And that young Mr.
Drysdale, the handsome banker.
I like this man.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm lookin' for a place to dig a hole, to plant a little ol' pawpaw tree for my nearest and dearest friends, the Clampetts.
Always working, this man! Fantastic! Can't you stop just for a while? Oh, no, no, ma'am.
I must keep ahead of Granny Workin', that is I couldn't let no woman outwork me.
I'll be seein' you.
What a man! Salt of the earth! Fabulous! Well, Miss Jane, Mr.
Drysdale, come in, come in.
Thank you.
Well, how did Elly like my accountant, young Fernpod? Penfred Rod.
I declare, that boy's got names he ain't even used! I hope if he marries up with Elly May he'll pick out three or four of his favorites and leave the rest go.
Apparently, the young accountant has taught Elly to play the piano That's a duet! By George, that young Fernpen is talented.
Who's playing the piano duet? Uh, uh, he is! Granny, them was the best company vittles you ever cooked.
Absolutely wonderful! What were those delicious little meatballs? I'll give you the receipt when you get married, Miss Jane.
Them's my owlburgers deep fried in possum fat.
Husband'll never leave home with them on the table.
I had a nice big smoked ham, too, but that lazy good-for-nothin' Lafe Crick ate the whole thing.
Granny, I would hardly call Lafe Crick lazy.
He didn't stop digging long enough to come in and eat.
Diggin'? Lafe Crick? Whereabouts? Somewhere out back, I suppose.
Uh, he's planting you a pawpaw tree.
Lafe, ain't that a kind of a deep hole for that little pawpaw tree? I gotta give the roots plenty of room, Jed.
Don't dig no deeper, you'll hit oil! Well, I done hit it four times already, Granny, but I plugged the holes good n' tight! Jed, I might have me a root cellar, after all.
Depends on how good he plugged up the oil.
That's a lotta pressure to hold back.
I think he plugged it up too good.
Looky yonder.
Oil! It's oil! It's a regular curse! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

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