The Boondocks s01e05 Episode Script
A Date With The Health Inspector
? I am the stone The builder refused ? ? I am the visual The inspiration ? ? That made lady Sing the blues ? ? I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ? ? The same spark That lights the dark ? ? So that you can know Your left from your right ? ? I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ? ? The inner glow That lets you know ? ? To call your brother sun ? ? The story that just begun ? ? The promise Of what's to come ? ? And I'm-a remain a soldier ? ? Till the war is won ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop ? Where's the towel? Noooooo! Yeah, baby.
You hear something? No.
No, not me.
Soap drop, nigga.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, you think you just gonna leave it down there? Huh? We don't waste no motherfuckin' soap in here.
I'm- I'm finished.
Naw, naw, nigga, you ain't finished.
I been watching you.
You have? You ain't wash behind your ears or nothing.
But I did.
See, look at me.
See how I'm all clean and glistening and shit.
That's hygiene, nigga.
You can call me the health inspector.
Now, pick up the soap! Be brave, son.
Be brave.
I'm next.
Drop the soap again? Tom DuBois' greatest fear was being sent to prison and anally raped.
At the tender age of 10, Tom saw a prison movie, which depicted the violent anal raping of a man.
Before then, he didn't know that men got raped in prison.
Stop! Ah! It is true that, statistically speaking, if a man is to be raped, it'll most likely occur in prison.
That fact scared straight-laced Tom even straighter.
Let's steal some.
But what if we get caught? We'll get arrested and anally raped.
Hey, guys, what are you doing? Just smoking a joint.
You want a hit? Yeah, right.
You guys can go to jail and get anally raped if ya want.
Tom, did you erase all my MP3s? Hey, file-sharing is a crime, and I'm not gonna be anally raped, so you can listen to Usher.
You know, Tom, this whole "anal rape" thing is really causing both of us to miss out on a lot in life.
But Tom didn't care what he was missing out on.
Well into adulthood, Tom still lived his life around the fear of anal rape.
That fear, perhaps more than any other factor, made him the man he is today.
Tom believed in order.
He obeyed every traffic law.
He had never as much as broken the speed limit.
You drive like an old bitch! Tom grew up to be a criminal prosecutor, which, ironically enough, meant his job was to send many black men to the very fate he most feared.
For the crime of selling four bootleg copies of Soul Plane, the defendant is sentenced to two weeks imprisonment.
He'll be remanded- No! Don't send me to prison! Please! Please don't send me to prison! I don't want to be anally raped! And Tom knew firsthand that a black man didn't have to do much to go to prison.
You have the right to remain silent Sometimes, he didn't have to do anything at all.
in a court of law.
You have the right to speak to an attorney and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
If you cannot afford And in other news, city police are reporting tonight that they have arrested a suspect in connection with the murder of Antoine Michaels, a 17-year-old who was apparently killed over a game of "Madden 2006.
" The police are not releasing the name of the suspect, who is a black male, approximately blah, blah, blah- And so, we are raising the terror alert level to intense orange/red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat.
Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible.
Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen.
Suicide bomber? Hey, you never know.
But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today.
Maybe.
Terrorists have my daddy! Jazmine, calm down.
Terrorists kidnapped my father, and they're gonna cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out.
And he isn't here! And we're at terror alert level orange.
Orange! Guys, there's gotta be some kind of mistake.
I didn't do anything.
Oh, we know what you did.
You guys were playing your little game, and your friend was serving up some pipin' hot ass-whoopings, wasn't he? Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that Hello? Riley, is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency! What's the emergency? I'm in jail.
Don't drop the soap.
Who was that? Yeah? Riley, it's Tom.
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
Who's this? Huey, I got arrested! They say I fit the description.
I think it's 'cause I'm black, Huey.
You have to get me outta here, Huey.
You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do.
But you're not in jail, you're in holding.
And I don't think people usually get raped in holding.
Hold on.
Granddad! Do people get raped in holding? Stop, stop, stop! I don't want your granddad to know.
I don't want anybody to know.
Listen, they can't keep people in holding over the weekend.
At 9:00 tonight, they're gonna put me on a bus and send me to real jail.
Real jail! Earliest I could get out would be on Monday.
Well, it's just a weekend.
It only takes one night to get anally raped! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
The real killer? Nigga, I'm 10.
How am I gonna find the real killer? Please! You've gotta try.
All right, all right, all right! Damn.
Thank you, Huey.
Whatever you do don't tell my baby, Jazmine.
I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's bi-hi-hi-hi-tch.
Was that daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists? Um, your father wants you to know he's nobody's bitch.
I had exactly five hours to find a murderer, and I couldn't do it alone.
Ed III was heir to the Wuncler fortune and a drunken psychopath.
But the dude I was after had already killed at least one person, and one thing Ed III had was firepower.
Fuck it.
I say we go get the motherfucker.
Let's go.
Where we going? Oh, we gonna need to holler at my man.
Oh, snap.
Ed Wuncler III.
My man, Gin Rummy.
What's good, baby? It's all good, man.
I was just making some breakfast.
Come on in.
Sounds like you got yourself a fugitive of justice.
I say y'all came to the right hombre.
Look, we have exactly to find the X-Box Killer.
Can you help us do it? I'll be dead on his ass like Spenser: For fucking Hire.
I'll hunt him down and feed him his own testicles, and I'd do it in a jiffy.
And I don't care if his momma there, his grandmamma, innocent bystanders, little kids, babysitters, bill collectors, whatever.
I'll leave his whole block filled with hot brass if I have to.
And you know why? Because I just don't give a fuck! Y'all sure you don't want no breakfast? I got English muffins and peach jelly.
See? I told you my boy was gangsta.
Hey, man, put some links with them grits, Rummy.
Shit, I'm hungry as a motherfucker.
You liar! You killed him, didn't you, you sick bastard? Hey, hey, hey.
That's enough.
Go cool off.
All right.
Now! You punk! Get your ass out! Move! Why are you doing this to me? You know what this is, man? It's fucking racism, man.
You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you just happened to fit the description.
Now, if you admit you killed him I didn't kill anyone! Look, even if you didn't kill him, just admit that you killed him.
I promise you you won't go to jail.
Smack on the wrist, I promise you.
Wait, stop.
You can't be serious.
I'm a prosecutor.
I'm never gonna fall for this.
So you say that if I confess, I won't go to jail? I give you my word.
No anal rape? No anal rape.
So y'all was in Iraq together? Yeah, we was in Iraq.
What did you do? We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Did you ever find 'em? You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em! What are you? Some political humorist? You Garry Trudeau up in this bitch? I was looking for bitches, but they had carpet shit all over 'em, and I couldn't see what they looked like.
All that was really exposed was the eyes, and that wasn't enough for me.
Shit, I'm looking at the eyes, the eyes could be pretty.
And I take their carpet off, and then I got a tragedy.
Well, no, we ain't find 'em.
But I always say, "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
" What? Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
What? What country you from? What? "What" ain't no country I ever heard of.
They speak English in "What"? What? English, motherfucker, do you speak it?! Yeah.
So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you? Yeah.
Well, what I'm sayin', is that there are "known" knowns and that there are known unknowns.
But there's also "unknown" unknowns, things we don't know that we don't know.
What? Say "what" again.
Say "what" again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more time.
Well, this is the apartment building where it all happened.
Maybe someone saw something.
Oh, somebody saw something, all right.
Hey, slow down.
We gotta be tactful.
Tactful? What that mean? He talkin' about diplomacy.
I don't do diplomacy.
Key-yah! X- Box Killer, talk! You better start talkin' or I'm a These niggas are crazy, yo! I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing! Work him out, work him out, work him out! You better start talki' before I'm a Hey, what'd he do to you? Leave him alone.
Yeah, nigga, run it.
Run your shit! Ain't nobody seen nothin'.
I know who did the killing.
I've known for 20 minutes! Guy's name is Terrel Jackson.
He's been bragging about it all day.
Everybody knows! He lives five minutes away.
I've got MapQuest directions right here.
How'd you find all this out? We talked to people! I got a picture.
Where you get this? I drew it from the description of the dude that they gave us while y'all was whoopin' niggas' asses in the street.
I almost had time to color it.
Shit.
Good work.
Let's go.
Okay, take a right here, and it's a left at the third light.
Where you going? You were supposed to turn right.
I'm thirsty.
You thirsty? I could use a tasty beverage.
There's a Mini Mart at the gas station right up the street.
We're down the street from the killer, and you wanna stop and go get snacks? Relax.
We stop, get this drink, then go get the killer.
Simple.
We gonna get something to drink.
It ain't gonna take long.
We're right down the street.
We know where he is! Chill, we just making a little detour.
Relax.
What could go wrong? Hm.
Watch my back, I got your front.
Ed, Rummy, my close friends and allies.
It is good to see you.
Go put that in the truck.
Hey, slow your roll, chief.
You guys have to pay first.
Damn! Chill out, Aladdin Hussein.
You know I'm good for it.
Hey, guys, you know the rules.
No exceptions, cash only.
Look, he got a weapon.
Whoa, wait a minute, now.
Put the gun down! Gun? What gun? I'm not holding gun.
Guys, it's me, Ed.
Your father helped me build this store! I don't know you, motherfucker! Now, put down the weapon! Put it down! There is no weapon.
Look.
Drop the weapon! I- I don't see a weapon.
There is no weapon! They're robbing the store! I am not holding a weapon! I am not holding a weapon! Officer, this motherfucker got a gun pointed at you.
You wanna die? But Do you wanna die?! I- I don't want to die! He does not have a gun.
He does have a gun, officer.
Trust me.
The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
I don't see a gun! Man, fuck this shit.
Whose side you on? Mine or this motherfucker, who's obviously of terrorist descent? Wait, I think I can see the gun now.
Good.
Now, we all see the weapon.
Now, you hand over that weapon on the count of three, or I swear to Almighty God, I'll blow your fuckin' head off! One! I can't give you a weapon I'm not holding! You're thinking of the Korean shop north of here! Two! Is he still holding it? He is not holding a weapon! Time's up! Ha, ha, ha! Ah! I didn't think they'd actually shoot back at us.
Well, of course, they're shooting back at us, you're robbing their store.
You can't assume that people are gonna shoot back at you.
It was an "unknown" unknown.
Need I remind you that this has nothing to do with our original plan? Damn it, Huey, robbery etiquette says you can't criticize a robbery plan during a actual robbery.
You have to wait till the robbery's over.
Yo, officer, wh-wha-whatever your name is.
My name's Frank.
Okay, Fred.
Whatever.
I want you to know you are not going to die.
In vain.
I don't think I'm dying.
Oh.
Well, I want you to know you wasn't mortally wounded in vain.
Actually, I think I'm gonna make it.
You hear that, you sweaty bastards? Freddy ain't dead.
Freddy say, "Bring it on, bitch.
" Bring it! Today we all came face to face with our worst fears.
And sometimes there's no such thing as a happy ending.
And there seems to be a gun battle with terrorists right behind me as we speak.
Thomas DuBois? It's time.
Is that the bus that's gonna take me to real butt-pounding jail? No bus.
You're free to go.
The X-Box Killer struck again, less than an hour after we got to the Mini Mart.
If we had gone straight to his house, we could have prevented it.
But at least Tom seemed to have dodged a bullet.
What the fuck y'all looking at? All right! Go U.
S.
A! All right, come on! All right! Come on, everybody, come on! All right, yeah! Way to go! Go U.
S.
A.
All right! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! Go U.
S.
A.
! Woo-hoo! All right!
You hear something? No.
No, not me.
Soap drop, nigga.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, you think you just gonna leave it down there? Huh? We don't waste no motherfuckin' soap in here.
I'm- I'm finished.
Naw, naw, nigga, you ain't finished.
I been watching you.
You have? You ain't wash behind your ears or nothing.
But I did.
See, look at me.
See how I'm all clean and glistening and shit.
That's hygiene, nigga.
You can call me the health inspector.
Now, pick up the soap! Be brave, son.
Be brave.
I'm next.
Drop the soap again? Tom DuBois' greatest fear was being sent to prison and anally raped.
At the tender age of 10, Tom saw a prison movie, which depicted the violent anal raping of a man.
Before then, he didn't know that men got raped in prison.
Stop! Ah! It is true that, statistically speaking, if a man is to be raped, it'll most likely occur in prison.
That fact scared straight-laced Tom even straighter.
Let's steal some.
But what if we get caught? We'll get arrested and anally raped.
Hey, guys, what are you doing? Just smoking a joint.
You want a hit? Yeah, right.
You guys can go to jail and get anally raped if ya want.
Tom, did you erase all my MP3s? Hey, file-sharing is a crime, and I'm not gonna be anally raped, so you can listen to Usher.
You know, Tom, this whole "anal rape" thing is really causing both of us to miss out on a lot in life.
But Tom didn't care what he was missing out on.
Well into adulthood, Tom still lived his life around the fear of anal rape.
That fear, perhaps more than any other factor, made him the man he is today.
Tom believed in order.
He obeyed every traffic law.
He had never as much as broken the speed limit.
You drive like an old bitch! Tom grew up to be a criminal prosecutor, which, ironically enough, meant his job was to send many black men to the very fate he most feared.
For the crime of selling four bootleg copies of Soul Plane, the defendant is sentenced to two weeks imprisonment.
He'll be remanded- No! Don't send me to prison! Please! Please don't send me to prison! I don't want to be anally raped! And Tom knew firsthand that a black man didn't have to do much to go to prison.
You have the right to remain silent Sometimes, he didn't have to do anything at all.
in a court of law.
You have the right to speak to an attorney and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
If you cannot afford And in other news, city police are reporting tonight that they have arrested a suspect in connection with the murder of Antoine Michaels, a 17-year-old who was apparently killed over a game of "Madden 2006.
" The police are not releasing the name of the suspect, who is a black male, approximately blah, blah, blah- And so, we are raising the terror alert level to intense orange/red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat.
Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible.
Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen.
Suicide bomber? Hey, you never know.
But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today.
Maybe.
Terrorists have my daddy! Jazmine, calm down.
Terrorists kidnapped my father, and they're gonna cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out.
And he isn't here! And we're at terror alert level orange.
Orange! Guys, there's gotta be some kind of mistake.
I didn't do anything.
Oh, we know what you did.
You guys were playing your little game, and your friend was serving up some pipin' hot ass-whoopings, wasn't he? Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that Hello? Riley, is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency! What's the emergency? I'm in jail.
Don't drop the soap.
Who was that? Yeah? Riley, it's Tom.
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
Who's this? Huey, I got arrested! They say I fit the description.
I think it's 'cause I'm black, Huey.
You have to get me outta here, Huey.
You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do.
But you're not in jail, you're in holding.
And I don't think people usually get raped in holding.
Hold on.
Granddad! Do people get raped in holding? Stop, stop, stop! I don't want your granddad to know.
I don't want anybody to know.
Listen, they can't keep people in holding over the weekend.
At 9:00 tonight, they're gonna put me on a bus and send me to real jail.
Real jail! Earliest I could get out would be on Monday.
Well, it's just a weekend.
It only takes one night to get anally raped! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
The real killer? Nigga, I'm 10.
How am I gonna find the real killer? Please! You've gotta try.
All right, all right, all right! Damn.
Thank you, Huey.
Whatever you do don't tell my baby, Jazmine.
I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's bi-hi-hi-hi-tch.
Was that daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists? Um, your father wants you to know he's nobody's bitch.
I had exactly five hours to find a murderer, and I couldn't do it alone.
Ed III was heir to the Wuncler fortune and a drunken psychopath.
But the dude I was after had already killed at least one person, and one thing Ed III had was firepower.
Fuck it.
I say we go get the motherfucker.
Let's go.
Where we going? Oh, we gonna need to holler at my man.
Oh, snap.
Ed Wuncler III.
My man, Gin Rummy.
What's good, baby? It's all good, man.
I was just making some breakfast.
Come on in.
Sounds like you got yourself a fugitive of justice.
I say y'all came to the right hombre.
Look, we have exactly to find the X-Box Killer.
Can you help us do it? I'll be dead on his ass like Spenser: For fucking Hire.
I'll hunt him down and feed him his own testicles, and I'd do it in a jiffy.
And I don't care if his momma there, his grandmamma, innocent bystanders, little kids, babysitters, bill collectors, whatever.
I'll leave his whole block filled with hot brass if I have to.
And you know why? Because I just don't give a fuck! Y'all sure you don't want no breakfast? I got English muffins and peach jelly.
See? I told you my boy was gangsta.
Hey, man, put some links with them grits, Rummy.
Shit, I'm hungry as a motherfucker.
You liar! You killed him, didn't you, you sick bastard? Hey, hey, hey.
That's enough.
Go cool off.
All right.
Now! You punk! Get your ass out! Move! Why are you doing this to me? You know what this is, man? It's fucking racism, man.
You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you just happened to fit the description.
Now, if you admit you killed him I didn't kill anyone! Look, even if you didn't kill him, just admit that you killed him.
I promise you you won't go to jail.
Smack on the wrist, I promise you.
Wait, stop.
You can't be serious.
I'm a prosecutor.
I'm never gonna fall for this.
So you say that if I confess, I won't go to jail? I give you my word.
No anal rape? No anal rape.
So y'all was in Iraq together? Yeah, we was in Iraq.
What did you do? We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Did you ever find 'em? You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em! What are you? Some political humorist? You Garry Trudeau up in this bitch? I was looking for bitches, but they had carpet shit all over 'em, and I couldn't see what they looked like.
All that was really exposed was the eyes, and that wasn't enough for me.
Shit, I'm looking at the eyes, the eyes could be pretty.
And I take their carpet off, and then I got a tragedy.
Well, no, we ain't find 'em.
But I always say, "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
" What? Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
What? What country you from? What? "What" ain't no country I ever heard of.
They speak English in "What"? What? English, motherfucker, do you speak it?! Yeah.
So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you? Yeah.
Well, what I'm sayin', is that there are "known" knowns and that there are known unknowns.
But there's also "unknown" unknowns, things we don't know that we don't know.
What? Say "what" again.
Say "what" again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more time.
Well, this is the apartment building where it all happened.
Maybe someone saw something.
Oh, somebody saw something, all right.
Hey, slow down.
We gotta be tactful.
Tactful? What that mean? He talkin' about diplomacy.
I don't do diplomacy.
Key-yah! X- Box Killer, talk! You better start talkin' or I'm a These niggas are crazy, yo! I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing! Work him out, work him out, work him out! You better start talki' before I'm a Hey, what'd he do to you? Leave him alone.
Yeah, nigga, run it.
Run your shit! Ain't nobody seen nothin'.
I know who did the killing.
I've known for 20 minutes! Guy's name is Terrel Jackson.
He's been bragging about it all day.
Everybody knows! He lives five minutes away.
I've got MapQuest directions right here.
How'd you find all this out? We talked to people! I got a picture.
Where you get this? I drew it from the description of the dude that they gave us while y'all was whoopin' niggas' asses in the street.
I almost had time to color it.
Shit.
Good work.
Let's go.
Okay, take a right here, and it's a left at the third light.
Where you going? You were supposed to turn right.
I'm thirsty.
You thirsty? I could use a tasty beverage.
There's a Mini Mart at the gas station right up the street.
We're down the street from the killer, and you wanna stop and go get snacks? Relax.
We stop, get this drink, then go get the killer.
Simple.
We gonna get something to drink.
It ain't gonna take long.
We're right down the street.
We know where he is! Chill, we just making a little detour.
Relax.
What could go wrong? Hm.
Watch my back, I got your front.
Ed, Rummy, my close friends and allies.
It is good to see you.
Go put that in the truck.
Hey, slow your roll, chief.
You guys have to pay first.
Damn! Chill out, Aladdin Hussein.
You know I'm good for it.
Hey, guys, you know the rules.
No exceptions, cash only.
Look, he got a weapon.
Whoa, wait a minute, now.
Put the gun down! Gun? What gun? I'm not holding gun.
Guys, it's me, Ed.
Your father helped me build this store! I don't know you, motherfucker! Now, put down the weapon! Put it down! There is no weapon.
Look.
Drop the weapon! I- I don't see a weapon.
There is no weapon! They're robbing the store! I am not holding a weapon! I am not holding a weapon! Officer, this motherfucker got a gun pointed at you.
You wanna die? But Do you wanna die?! I- I don't want to die! He does not have a gun.
He does have a gun, officer.
Trust me.
The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
I don't see a gun! Man, fuck this shit.
Whose side you on? Mine or this motherfucker, who's obviously of terrorist descent? Wait, I think I can see the gun now.
Good.
Now, we all see the weapon.
Now, you hand over that weapon on the count of three, or I swear to Almighty God, I'll blow your fuckin' head off! One! I can't give you a weapon I'm not holding! You're thinking of the Korean shop north of here! Two! Is he still holding it? He is not holding a weapon! Time's up! Ha, ha, ha! Ah! I didn't think they'd actually shoot back at us.
Well, of course, they're shooting back at us, you're robbing their store.
You can't assume that people are gonna shoot back at you.
It was an "unknown" unknown.
Need I remind you that this has nothing to do with our original plan? Damn it, Huey, robbery etiquette says you can't criticize a robbery plan during a actual robbery.
You have to wait till the robbery's over.
Yo, officer, wh-wha-whatever your name is.
My name's Frank.
Okay, Fred.
Whatever.
I want you to know you are not going to die.
In vain.
I don't think I'm dying.
Oh.
Well, I want you to know you wasn't mortally wounded in vain.
Actually, I think I'm gonna make it.
You hear that, you sweaty bastards? Freddy ain't dead.
Freddy say, "Bring it on, bitch.
" Bring it! Today we all came face to face with our worst fears.
And sometimes there's no such thing as a happy ending.
And there seems to be a gun battle with terrorists right behind me as we speak.
Thomas DuBois? It's time.
Is that the bus that's gonna take me to real butt-pounding jail? No bus.
You're free to go.
The X-Box Killer struck again, less than an hour after we got to the Mini Mart.
If we had gone straight to his house, we could have prevented it.
But at least Tom seemed to have dodged a bullet.
What the fuck y'all looking at? All right! Go U.
S.
A! All right, come on! All right! Come on, everybody, come on! All right, yeah! Way to go! Go U.
S.
A.
All right! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! Go U.
S.
A.
! Woo-hoo! All right!