The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Goat's cheese, me.
No contest.
- You've not even looked at the others.
Deep-fried prawns with sweet chilli.
Agh! Oh, it's the wine list.
- How about a nice rioja? - Ooh, yeah.
- You've been to cornwall, haven't you? - Yes, we went to tintagel castle.
It was lovely.
- We went this weekend.
It's a long drive.
- Yeah.
19o Miles! - Really? - Door to door.
- Aa said it would take four and a halt hours.
- Did they? It's single Lane most of the way.
The a39.
Caravans.
Stonehenge rubberneckers.
- Four and a halt hours.
About right.
- I would think so.
Guess how long it took me.
- Oh.
- How long did it take me to get to cornwall? - Um - Four and a halt hours.
That's the aa talking.
- How long did it take me? - Look, I really need to Have a guess.
19o Miles.
- Er, well - Come on.
- The a39 roadworks at exeter.
How long? - I really don't know.
How long did it take me? Have a guess.
- I don't even drive.
- Just guess.
- Two hours? - Two hours?! Two hours?! - Ok.
I don't know.
- To cornwall? - Two and a halt? - I was in a car, not a jet.
- Three and a halt hours.
- Do you know where cornwall is? - At the bottom.
- Four hours.
- Four hours? - And ten minutes.
That's less than they said at the aa.
Yes, it is it's 2o minutes less - did you have a nice time? - No, it was shit.
Elaine Wainwright is 34 and lives in York.
She recently travelled over 4,000 Miles to marry a man she'd never met before.
Jeremiah Wainwright III, a convicted murderer and notorious cannibal, is currently on death row awaiting execution.
Now back in York, Elaine has been adapting to married life.
However, that is about to change.
We've had a phone call from Elaine.
After six false alarms, this morning at 7 A.
M.
Jerry is going to be administered with the lethal injection that will kill him for the crimes he has committed against society.
How are you, Elaine? It's been a bit of a rush.
I had it all planned the first time Jerry was leaving us, but it's been called off so many times, I don't know whether he's coming or going - literally.
But today's the day? Yes.
I checked his website before I went to bed as I always do, and there's been an update.
- It's definitely happening at seven o'clock.
- So we're minutes away.
Yeah.
Not long now.
I've lit a candle representing Jerry's life.
In a couple of minutes, I shall put it out, symbolising the shining light that was Jeremiah Wainwright III being extinguished by a society that chose not to understand him.
Not understand why he killed eight people? Yes, I've just said that.
You've been a married woman for five days, in a few minutes, you'll be a widow.
Yeah, it's been a funny old week.
It's true to say being a married woman has changed my life.
When I was at school, I made a list of the ten things I want to do before I die.
Getting married was at number one.
I've come a long way.
I've only got Disneyland to go.
It must feel strange.
You've been here so many times before.
Yeah, we have had a few false starts.
When I heard it was definitely going ahead, I realised I'd run out of candles.
I got these from the shop on the corner.
They're very good.
There's not much they don't sell.
That's my one-minute warning.
I set the cooker timer.
I didn't want to unplug my alarm clock.
Jerry wouldn't want any fuss.
- Would you like us to stop filming? - No, you're all right.
I'd like a moment of silence before I blow the candle out, if that's ok.
It's all right.
It will go off in a minute.
Sorry, could one of you turn that off? That's quite annoying.
If you just press the red switch.
God bless, Jerry.
May all those who misunderstood you and never gave you a chance one day, somehow, see the error of their ways.
Goodnight, angel.
D'you know, I've lived that moment a thousand times.
Oh, my God! You saw me blow that out.
That is a sign.
- I think it - Do you think the injection didn't work? - He's a big lad.
- I think it's one of those magic candles.
Call it what you will, that is a miracle.
No, they're candles you buy as a joke.
They don't blow out.
That's just silly, isn't it? What use is that to anyone? Sorry, could you just put that under a tap for me, please? - How are you feeling, Elaine? - Not too bad, actually.
It would be wrong to say being a widow suits me, but I do feel very at one with myselt.
I feel Jerry's at peace.
It's funny, because when I was counting down the seconds, I could actually feel it here.
It seems unusual to carry out something like this at one o'clock.
- Was there a reason for that? - One o'clock? I don't follow.
It's 7 A.
M.
here.
- With the time difference with Texas - They're ahead of us.
- They're six hours behind.
- They're behind? Right.
So Sorry, you've confused me now.
Is he dead or alive? Well, if it was meant to be 7 A.
M.
their time, he's still alive.
7 A.
M.
their time will be 1 P.
M.
our time today.
One o'clock this afternoon? Oh, isn't it silly?! I wonder if Jackie will swap her shift with me? I'm sure she will, she's good like that.
Right Well, I might just snaffle a few more hours' sleep.
I've been up since four.
- ErmAre you still all right for one o'clock? - Yes, that's fine.
All right.
Well, I'll see you then.
Have you got those candles? I might just take them back.
- What did you do last night? - We went bowling.
- It was a good laugh.
- Didn't you go to the gym? - No.
- Oh.
- I don't go to the gym.
- I thought you did.
No, I don't.
Don't you feel better after a bit of exercise? - Do you mind if I finish this? - A bit stiff this morning, though.
I didn't have time for a good warm down.
You know what it's like after a run.
- I bet.
- You need a good warm down.
It's really important for the muscles.
Yeah, recovery rates.
James was saying.
- You know how pushy personal trainers can be.
- You've got a personal trainer? Yeah! He's making all the difference.
Really spurring me on.
All that running.
- I bet.
- Guess how far I ran last night.
- How far did I run last night? - I have no idea.
Anything's good, isn't it? I don't think so.
Have a guess.
- I really don't know.
- Think like an athlete.
Just guess.
- I wouldn't have a clue.
- Doesn't even matter.
Just have a guess.
- I can't.
- You'll be amazed.
Have a guess.
- I'm not good at this.
- Come on.
Guess.
5o Miles.
5o Miles?! 5o Miles?! I said run not drive! 3o Miles.
3o Miles in one go? Do I look Ethiopian? Five.
Five Miles.
- Have you ever met me? - Two.
- Eight - Wow! .
.
Hundred metres.
- Well, that's still good.
- Yes it is further than you'll ever run, you knock-kneed old trollop.
Come in.
Come in! Bernie, come in! Sorry, did you say come in? Yes, Bernie.
Come in, sit down.
I'm sorry I'm late, sister, but I went out for a curry with the lads last night and it turned into a bit of a late one.
You've had two written warnings this month.
Can I take me coat off? I'm sweating beef madras in here.
- Are you eating? - I am.
Sorry.
You must think I'm so rude.
- Would you like a rhubarb and custard? - No, thank you.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't eat in this office.
I think you'd benefit from an unofficial assessment.
Just answer the questions as best you can.
Did you have a nice weekend? How often do you change your uniform? - How often do I change my uniform? - It's a simple question.
I sometimes put tinsel in me hat at Christmas, but besides that, I don't really think it's up to me.
What is the difference between a rectal reading and an oral reading on a digital thermometer? It's, er well, it's, er About two feet.
You might want to give it a wipe with a damp cloth before you do the second one.
The answer is one degree.
On your morning round, you found a patient who's died.
What do you do? In fairness, I haven't started my shift yet.
Whoever it is, I don't think you can blame me.
The question is hypothetical.
I do understand what this is all about, and I just want to say I didn't kill him, I swear to you.
- Didn't kill who? - Mr Thompson.
What makes you say that? Mr Thompson died over a week ago.
If I thought a night out would finish him off, I never would have taken him.
Taken him where? Mr Thompson was a great one for the crack.
I promised him, if he felt up to it, I'd take him out for his birthday - my treat.
You took an 81-year-old critically ill patient on a night out? A night out where? - ''Chitty chitty bang bang.
'' - Where? ''Chitty chitty bang bang.
'' please tell me it's not true.
Well, it's about a flying car, so I'd say probably not.
You do know this ''treat'' may have contributed to the heart attack that killed mr Thompson? Yes.
I have no alternative but to send you home immediately.
That's really sweet of you, but it was over a week ago now.
I think I'm over the worst of it.
Would you please leave my office! It was a present.
- Did you go out with Ryan last night? - He blew me out.
Can you believe that? He was like ''don't give me grief,'' and I was like ''stop vexing me, then.
'' that is so dry.
That boy's taking liberties.
He must think I'm like some sort of lackey waiting around for him.
- He needs to be told, man.
- He's coming.
Shut up, shut up.
- All right? - All right.
- I don't think we should go out no more.
- Fine.
Whatever.
- Got that cd for me, lise? - I should concentrate on football.
Am I bothered? I don't care 'cause I'm not bothered.
- I'm just busy.
We can still have a laugh.
- No, we can't 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Does my face look bothered? - You can still Is my face bothered? Is it bothered? Bothered? Do I look bothered, though? - No, you don't.
- I'm not.
- Just forget it, right? - I will and don't tell me what to do.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
He is so lame.
That was such a rank thing to do.
- Shut up, right? - You shouldn't let him Shut up.
Why don't you shut up, though? I asked you to shut up.
Shut up, though.
Why don't you shut up? Did I ask you to shut up? You should shut up.
I asked you to shut up.
Have you shut up yet? Yeah.
- I was just thinking - I ain't bothered! Can you call me back on the landline? I don't like speaking on the mobile.
Yes, I'm at the office.
I'm at my desk now.
Right.
Oh, come on! Agh! Hello, Margaret speaking.
- Hiya, Geoff.
Sorry I'm late.
- It's not a problem, bunty.
Take a seat.
- I'm just going to get a pint.
- Take a seat.
This won't take long.
- I really would love a pint.
- Just let me say what I'm gonna say, then you can have as many pints as you like.
- How was your holiday? - Fine, thank you.
It was spoilt when I got back and heard you'd been up to your old tricks again.
Can I have a sip of your pint? I made it quite clear your time with the Doncaster spinners was up.
Your leaving was well overdue.
I go on holiday.
I think, ''that'll be that,'' but oh, no, when I get back, I'm greeted with this.
- What's that? - This is last Thursday's ''echo''.
''There were dramatic scenes yesterday outside st Mary's junior school, ''the rehearsal venue of majorette display team the Doncaster spinners, ''when bunty Carmichael, 32, held a one-woman protest at her expulsion from the group.
''Bunty, a majorette since she was six, ''chained herselt to the school gates and sang bon jovi's 'living on a prayer' ''.
.
Repeatedly until she was let into the Wednesday night rehearsal.
''Group organiser Geoff bird, on holiday in benidorm, was unavailable for comment.
'' - who told 'em I was 32? - When are you gonna get it into your head? I'm 31! We can't have you marching with a team of ten-year-olds.
You look ridiculous! I look ridiculous?! Gemma dropped her Baton three times during the ''star wars'' medley! Who looked ridiculous then? You shouldn't have been involved in that.
You wait till I'm abroad then you worm your way back in.
The spinners need me, Geoff.
The spinners need you to leave them alone.
According to the rules, the minimum age for a Doncaster spinner is six years old.
You tell me where it says there's an upper age limit.
There isn't one.
Up until now, we've been relying on selt-respect.
Oh, I see.
So I'm being penalised 'cause I've got the will to survive? All you've got is the will to be a bloody nuisance.
Eye of the tiger, Geoff.
I've got the eye of the tiger.
Have you? I'm very pleased for you.
As well as the eye of the tiger, you've also got that.
What's that? A restraining order preventing you from going anywhere near the Doncaster spinners whether it be in rehearsal or performance.
I'm sorry, bunty, love, but you really left us no option.
I've been with the Doncaster spinners for 25 years.
That's nearly a quarter of me life.
Don't let it end like this, Geoff.
Remember when me mam couldn't afford to let me go on that trip to France when I was 14? You told me the spinners had a whip-round to pay for me.
I know it was you, Geoff.
I know it was you who paid for me to go.
Bunty, don't do this.
You believed in me then.
Why don't you believe in me now? It's not that I don't believe in you, love, it's just thatIt's time to move on.
Let me come with you to Leeds, and then I'll leave.
I promise.
I'm sorry, love, I can't.
Do you remember what you used to say when I first joined the spinners? I used to say, ''mr bird, I can't spin me Baton and march at the same time.
'' do you remember what you used to say to me? ''There's no such thing as can't.
'' if you feel you can give me one more chance, I'll be waiting at the top of me street for the minibus, nine o'clock on Friday morning.
If you've not turned up by quarter-past, well, I'll know you can't.
do you really want to hurt me? do you really want to make me cry? precious kisses, words that burn me lovers never ask you why happy anniversary, darling! We said we weren't doing presents.
You are naughty! - Opening the champagne now, darling.
- Ok.
- Doing it right now.
- Yes, I heard you.
That's fine.
- Cork's coming out now.
- Michael, honestly! Agh! Guess what I'm thinking.
One-thirty.
Yeah.
Freak.
Is that you, darling? - Hello, nan.
- Here he is! - You all right? - Come up and see me? You come up and see me, ain't ya? Yeah, I noticed that.
Did you get me shoe Polish? Couldn't get it, could ya? I said you wouldn't be able to get it.
I knew they wouldn't have it.
Couldn't get it, could you? Oh! Did you get it? Oh, you did get it, did ya? I said you wouldn't get it, but you got it.
Look at that! They did have it, did they? Oh, you did get it.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- I do me best.
It's the wrong one.
I knew you wouldn't get it! Nan, that's the one you always have.
- I see your sister today.
- Did you? - She's had the baby.
- I know.
- She's had the baby.
- I know.
- Oh! A little girl.
- I know.
- She come and see me.
- Did she? Oh! You seen it? She's come up 'ere.
It's only a little dinky thing like that.
No bigger than that.
She's let me hold her.
You seen it? - Have you seen it? - Yeah.
Ain't it ugly? - Nan! - Oh, come on! I ain't never seen such an ugly child.
It's frightened the fucking life out of me! And ain't it hairy? Oh, I ain't never seen a child with so much hair on it.
It's like a big hairy elt looking up at you.
I nearly had a bilious attack looking at it.
- They're calling it some funny name.
- No, they're not.
- It's some funny name.
- Francesca.
They're calling it tesco's.
- They're calling her francesca.
- They're calling the poor child tesco's.
I said, ''don't call it tesco's whatever you do.
''It'll have enough fucking problems looking like that.
'' it's got a funny-shaped head an' all.
Come on.
It was a forceps birth.
It was very traumatic for them.
I should think it was traumatic when that came out.
I'd have run a mile if that had been mine.
And it's got a wonky eye, ain't it? It's got a wonky eye, the child.
Mind you, it gets that from that ugly get of a father.
He's got that, ain't he? One eye looking at you, the other one looking for you.
That's wrong, that is.
The pair of them together, they'll look like they came off ''fraggle rock''.
Don't you say things like that.
No, no.
Not up my house, no, no.
She's a very good girl to me, she is.
She looks after me, your sister.
I said to her, ''take this tenner, go and buy yourselt a pair of tights.
'' she said, ''I'm all right, nan.
I don't want your money.
'' I said, ''take it.
'' She said, ''I don't want it.
'' I said, ''take the money.
You'd bleed me dry if you could.
''Now take that ten-pound note, buy that child a bonnet, ''and tie it over its fucking face!'' nan She said, ''you're wicked, you are.
You're a nuisance.
We'll put you in a home.
'' no, you don't! Wouldn't you like it, eh? Oh, what? Up there, with all the old girls, playing ping-pong, singalongamax bygraves, sitting in your own shit! Not me, love.
You ain't slinging me up the nut house! I shall have champagne with me winkles, thank you very much, and I don't like crumble neither.
Ain't eating it.
No, no.
Filth! Take it away.
I don't want it, and that's it.
In fact, you can take the crumble, take the old girls, take Max bygraves, take your sister, take the fella with the wonky eye, take the fucking lot of you, shove 'em up your arse and piss off out of it! You've got to stop this.
You can't keep talking about people like that.
It's not funny.
Ooh! ''It's not funny'' seriously.
Stop it.
Oh, fucking chill out! Nan, why are you like this? # I # am what I am # I am my own special creation # ohCome take a look # give me the hook # or the ovation # it's my world # that I want to have a little pride in # my world # and it's not a place I have to hide in # your life, it's not worth a damn # till you can say # I am whatI am # here I go # I am what I am # I don't want praise # come on! I don't want pity # here we go! # I'll bang me own drum # some think it's nice # and think it's pretty # and so what if I love each sparkle and each spangle # why not # try to see things from a different angle # your life is a sham # till you can shout out # I am what I am! nan, sit down! Fuck off! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398