The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
1 What's this thing we're going on again? Theater trip, innit.
It's gonna be well good.
- No, it ain't, it's gonna be boring.
- I reckon it might be all right, you know.
Yeah, it'll be a laugh, won't it? Are we getting the tube? 'Cause I ain't got my pass with me.
No, we're getting a coach, innit? How embarrassing is that? - No, a coach'll be a laugh, man.
- Yeah, it'll be all right, won't it? I forgot to tell you.
Do you know who I saw yesterday? Oh, my God, what is she wearing? What is she wearing? I ain't walking down the street with her looking like that.
That is well shameful.
How are we all? Looking forward to a slice of culture? - Miss? - We're all in for a treat today.
- Miss? - I'm gonna give you your tickets now.
- Miss? - I want you to look after them.
- Miss? - And don't lose them.
Yes, Lauren? Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing, but have you seen what you've got on? Are you suggesting I don't know what I'm wearing, Lauren? I don't know, miss, I thought maybe someone had thrown it at you or something.
Well, I think it's nice to make an effort once in a while.
No, I don't think it is, miss.
- Now, the coach is parked by the main gates.
- You going out on the street like that, miss? Gather up all your belongings.
Are you going out on the street looking like that, though? Yes, Lauren.
Oh, my God, what have you got on your feet? I'm too scared to look.
Look at them, now! Jesus creepers.
That is well bad.
I think it's nice to let your feet breathe.
Are you a Christian, miss? - Lauren, get your things together.
- Are you a Christian, though? - We don't have time for this.
- Right, but are you a Christian? - Lauren! - Is the lord your Shepherd, miss? Sorry? - But is he your Shepherd, though? - I beg your pardon? - Have you got Jesus in your heart, miss? - What? - Is he in your heart, though? - Lauren! - Why do you wear clothes like that, then? - Lauren! - Do you like cliff Richard, miss? - Lauren.
- Are you the vicar of Dibley, miss? - Lauren! - But are you the vicar of Dibley, though? - No, of course not! - Are we your flock? - What? - Are we your flock, though? - No.
- Is it that we are your flock? - No, you're not my flock.
- Have you got a friend in Jesus, miss? - Oh, for goodness sake! - Does he want you for a sunbeam? - Look Does he want you for a sunbeam, though? Lauren, enough.
You're just wasting time now, not to mention being incredibly rude to me.
Now, get your things together, or I shall suspend you from this trip.
Am I bothered? - Lauren.
- Am I bothered, though? - Look, don't make me do this.
- I ain't doing nothing, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You'll regret this.
- No, I won't, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- I mean what I say.
- Do I look bothered? - I don't understand why you do this.
- I don't understand why you wear that! - Lauren.
- I don't give, miss.
- Come on.
- Don't give, mate.
- Now, come on.
Lauren.
- Don't care, mate.
Don't give, mate.
- Lauren.
- Don't give, mate.
- Stop it.
- Ask me if I give.
Ask me if I give.
- Lauren, stop it! - Don't give, mate.
- Lauren! Stop it! - Don't give.
Don't give.
- Come on.
Stop it.
- Don't give.
Ain't bothered.
- I don't - Don't care.
- I'm not, I'm not - Am I bothered? - No - Do I look bothered, though? - No.
No.
- Is my face bothered? - No.
Come on.
- I ain't bothered.
- Face.
Look.
Bothered.
Face.
Look.
- Lauren no you now.
.
Cut - Sandals.
Look.
Bothered.
- You - Christian.
Face.
Bothered.
Christian.
- You don't you don't I ain't bothered! Right! Lauren, you are not going on this trip.
You can sit there and get comfortable, it's going to be a very long afternoon.
- Am I bothered, though? - Not another word! Right.
Well, I don't think that looks too bad.
I think a course of antibiotics should clear that up within about a week.
Well, yes, you see I'm very sensitive, doctor.
I have to be very careful what I put in my mouth.
Right.
How's your mother, Derek? You still living at home? She's very well, thank you, doctor, and yes, I'm still there.
Couldn't leave her on her own, not at her age, dear.
Oh, Derek, I've saved you one of these leaflets.
The surgery is starting a new gay men's health clinic on the first Monday of every month.
I don't know if that's something that would interest you? I beg pardon? It's a new health clinic on mondays.
Yes, I heard that bit.
For gay men.
I beg your pardon? How very dare you? I've never been so insulted! Derek, everything said here is completely confidential.
What on earth are you insinuating? I'm sorry, Derek, I didn't mean to speak out of turn, I just always assumed you were gay.
Gay, dear? Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because I live with my mother and haven't found the right girl yet, you assume I take it up the 'arris? How very dare you! I apologise unreservedly.
Well, yes, I think you should.
25 years I've been coming here, and then you suddenly come out with this? Well, I find you impertinent.
"Gay men's health clinic"? How very dare you! Derek, your, urn It's a gentleman's sponge bag.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Cup of tea? Thank you.
Milk and sugar? Okay, we've taken a full statement, and in the light of the information you've given us, I don't feel it's safe for you to go back home.
I'm recommending we take you to a refuge where there's other people like yourself.
Other people like myself? Is that your answer? Put us all in the ghettos, make sure all the freaks are together? It's not fair.
I'm the victim here, not the criminal.
I know, Sandra, but we can't protect you from these bigots 24 hours a day.
That's why we're offering you a place at the refuge.
Thank you.
I'm just sick of the inbreds in this stupid village sniggering at me behind my back.
I thought about moving to London, you know, where people are more accepting, but then I thought no, why should I run and hide? I know it's a cliche, but I am what I am.
Come on, Sandra, don't upset yourself.
Don't upset myself? The people in the village spit at me, the children throw dog muck through the letterbox, and you're saying don't upset myself.
It's just not fair! I know, Sandra, but at the end of the day, there will always be those who just can't bring themselves to accept people who are You can say it, you know.
Ginger.
- So where is this refuge? - It's just outside long risden, about 20 Miles from here.
We can take you there tonight.
We have got hair dye, if you don't want people seeing you leave.
Do you not think I tried that? I dyed my hair and my eyebrows black when I was 15, but at the end of the day, I've still got freckly arms.
So, shall we go, then? What's it like? Is everybody there ginger? Oh, not all of them.
There are a few normal Normal ginger people who work there as well.
But there's nothing to worry about, they've been trained to work with ginger people.
Some of them even have ginger relatives themselves.
We're not saying it's right that you should have to go there, but at the moment, what with the current hate campaigns against "geen" Sorry, ginger people, we think it's the safest course of action right now.
Oh, come on, love.
Now, come on.
Now, don't upset yourself.
Come on, let's go.
Good girl.
Come on.
Come on, now.
Come on, it's gonna be all right.
There you go.
Come on, now.
Now, get that chair wiped down, will you? And make sure someone's here to burn my clothes when I get back.
Ally! Hello.
Oh, my goodness, I've just been in your garden.
It's gorgeous.
Thank you.
Look, I don't believe you've met Yvonne? No, hello.
I'm ally.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, you've got something on your face there.
- Just give it a rub off.
Yeah.
- Is that all right? No, I think it's a hair or something.
Hold on.
It's attached.
Urn Just doesn't I mean, it doesn't No, I mean, you can't see it.
I mean, I can see it, but then I know it's there.
I mean, he didn't see it.
He doesn't know it's there.
Oh, Christ, there's more.
Urn Don't pluck them, two will grow in one.
So My nan had a beard.
Ooooh.
Well, you might think you've heard everything.
Listen to this.
- Well, I don't know where to start.
- Well, where do you start? - We was on our way to see our valder.
- She'd just moved to beverley.
- She used to live on bransholme.
- Yeah, they don't need to know that.
So anyway, we're on our way to see our valder, and we have to keep stopping because ray hadn't brought his driving glasses.
I'm usually all right, but they'd just put in a new ring road, so So anyway, we stopped again to ask for directions, and we noticed we were opposite a pub.
Listen to this.
So we thought we'd better have something to eat before we get there, because valder's one of these vegetarians.
They don't eat meat.
So we cross over to this pub.
It looked all right from the outside, didn't it? Oh, famous last words.
So we gets in, and there's a sign saying it was what do they call it? A gastropub.
Don't ask.
- So we sits down, and we looks at the menu.
- Listen to this.
Well, first thing on the menu was mushroom soup.
- Well, ray liked the sound of that, didn't you? - Yeah, not for long.
- Then he read what were in it.
- Listen to this.
- When he read what sort of mushrooms they were.
- This is unbelievable.
What were they called? Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You went mad, didn't you? Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You don't want that in soup, do you? "Shit-ache" mushrooms, dried.
You don't want it in anything.
Now, I've eaten everything, right? From whitby crab to gammon with pineapple on it, so I'm not squeamish.
But I am not eating anything that has got "dried shit" in the title.
No way.
This is in beverley.
The dirty bastards! I've not told you about today, have I? - What's been happening? - I can't believe I ain't told you.
- Told me what? - Have I told you already? - Told me what, babe? - No, I must have told you.
You ain't told me nothing.
There is absolutely no way I could have got To 20 past 10 without telling you what's happened to me today.
- What is it? - You are gonna die.
Oh, come on.
I might as well ring the ambulance now, because you are gonna die.
- Come on, you gotta tell me now.
- I ain't told you, have I? - You ain't said nothing.
- This is quality.
Come on, what you done this time? Lunchtime, right, I'm out with kerry and gay Simon, and we're on our way to gino's.
We get there, we're about to go in and kerry says she don't want nothing to eat, 'cause she's doing the atkins, all she wants is a packet of extra-strong mints.
So I said, well I'm not that fussed about eating either, 'cause I'd gone mad and had an m&s wheat-germ tricolor for me breakfast.
Then, gay Simon says, in that case, he don't want nothing either, - 'cause he ain't eating on his own.
- What, nobody wanted anything to eat? Nobody wanted anything to eat, and we're stood outside gino's like a bunch of nutters! No! Well, we looks at each other like that.
As usual, kerry's the first to go.
She starts laughing.
I said, "I hope you ain't laughing at me, kerry Baxter.
" Baxter ain't her real name, but she don't talk to her dad no more, so she thought she might as well change it.
Meanwhile, gay Simon is laughing so much he's collapsed.
No! He has collapsed.
It's 1200, the three of us are standing outside gino's, no one's eating, and we are racked with agony.
What are you lot like when you get together? - Oh, but that ain't it.
- That ain't it? That that is your starter for 10.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
So, kerry says she might as well get her mints from the newsagent.
I said I'd go with her and gay Simon said he'd come, too, as long as he didn't have to eat nothing.
So we get there, kerry buys her mints, gay Simon gets a newspaper, and I buy one of them scratch cards.
- Oh, here we go.
- I know! - Millionaires now, are we? - Shut up! Don't spoil it.
Shall I book the holiday now? Stop, I;M gonna wet meself! - What are you like? - You know what I'm like! I know what you're like.
So, we're in the shop, I'm doing me scratch card, gay Simon's looking at his newspaper, and kerry's asking the man behind the counter if there's any carbohydrate in a strawberry mini-milk.
Then, I've looked down at this scratch card, I've only got three pound symbols.
- No.
- I swear to God.
- Well, you won? - Three pound symbols.
I've won me money back.
Oh, my God! But that ain't it.
I've give the card to the man behind the counter, he's looked at it like that, he said to me, "you ain't won", "'cause all the symbols have gotta be in a straight line.
" Were they not in a straight line, babe? No.
One of them's in the corner, the other one's next to it, and I can't remember where the other one is.
Well, we have gone off.
Gay Simon is doubled up, I'm screaming like a witch, and kerry's got strawberry mini-milk coming out of her nose.
It was bedlam! Why does it always happen to you? I don't know! It's a text from kerry.
Oh, here we go.
What's it say? It says it says, "when are we gonna spend your winnings?" Hello, Sandra, we've been expecting you.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Would you like to bring Sandra through? Urn, through to the other room? Yes.
Are there more people through there? Ginger people? Yes, there are.
This is a ginger refuge.
I brought Sandra here because we're short-staffed, but I can't It's not the smell.
It's it's just that I'm not qualified to work with ginger people.
I'm sorry.
We'll get your stuff sent on to you, eh? Sandra, the police are some of the most ginger-phobic people in society.
But don't worry.
As I said, you're safe now.
Come through.
Welcome to russett lodge.
Can we join you, Helen? This is Sandra kemp, she's just arrived.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, she's beautiful.
Does her mum live at the refuge? I'm her mum.
I don't understand.
You're not The ginger gene can skip a generation.
Helen is what's known as a carrier.
Although carriers can blend into society much more easily than gingers, at some point communities find out, and people like Helen are driven out of their homes, too.
So, I'm just like you.
I may not be ginger here, but I'm ginger here.
Well, I'm glad you could come.
It's so nice to see you.
Well, to be honest, I wasn't sure whether I was going to m-m-make it tonight.
Ally! Hello.
Come on, you two, get on the dance floor! - Have you two met each other? - No.
Hello, I'm ally.
Hi, I'm sh-sh-sh Chaka Khan, hat me rock you let me rock you, chaka Khan No, I'm sh-sh-sh Chaka Khan, let me rock you that's all I wanna do No, I'm sh-sh Sean.
Hmm? God, no, yeah, no, God.
No, I mean, I know yeah, no, I was just rapping.
Yeah.
No, 'cause I know you You you're Because you're Sean with the hmm? You know, it goes if you sing.
Don't do that! Beautiful service.
98.
You've gotta admit, the old bugger had a good innings.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
I'm sorry, I find that language very disrespectful.
I think you should modify your tone.
Sorry, I thought I switched it off.
Unbelievable! I'm sorry, would you mind moving down? It's very cramped in here.
- Is that you, darling? - Hiya, nan.
Oh, sweetheart, thank God for that.
Are you okay? I came as soon as I got your message.
Oh, you are a good boy.
- How are you feeling? - I'm all right, love.
Yeah, I'll be all right.
- Just a bit of a shock, that's all.
- Yeah.
When did it happen? Just after 1:00.
Been sat in not knowing what to do since then.
I got here as soon as I could, nan.
No, don't worry, darling, you weren't to know something like this was gonna happen.
How could anybody know? We all take these things for granted, and then one day, bang, that's your lot.
Yeah.
Is it just itv you can't get? No, love, it's all of them.
I've been sat here in silence for the last three-and-a-half hours.
Have you missed many of your programmes? Oh, you know me, love, I don't really take much notice.
It's just nice to have on in the background for a bit of company, - that's all, you know.
- Yeah.
Although, I suppose I'll never know what happened to tanisha.
Who's tanisha? Girl on that Trisha this morning, did you see it? - No.
- Oh, it's unbelievable.
She's getting the fat sucked out of her thigh and injected into her backside.
Only a young girl she was, I thought they'd got it the wrong way round at first, but no, she wants to have a bigger arse than she's already got.
And if you ask me, it was a fair size to start with.
You could show fucking cartoons on it! I've got someone coming over to have a look at the telly.
He should be here soon.
And I've missed me lovely gay boy, who takes you to an auction and sells all your old shit you were gonna throw out.
Oh, he's clever.
It might just be the fuse.
- Oh, that'll be Danny.
- Danny who? Oh, nan, don't start.
Danny Shaw.
I don't know no one called Shaw.
You do.
You know his mother, Lou Shaw, she's just come out of hospital.
Not loopy Lou? Don't you dare say that while he's here, she's been very ill.
Not loopy fucking Lou, love! They've never let her out again, have they? Nan, I'm warning you.
He's repairing the telly for free, so don't upset him.
For free? No, thank you.
I don't want no charity.
You can tell him to piss off out of it.
I'd rather sit in the dark.
- Hello, mrs Taylor, how you doing? - Hello, sweetheart, how are you? I'm not too bad, thanks.
Now, let's have a look at this.
Oh, you can take it away, darling.
I never really look at it.
- I'll put the kettle on.
- Did Jamie check the fuse? Oh, don't bother asking him nothing, darling.
He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm not gonna charge you for the repair, mrs Taylor, and I don't want any arguing, okay? Oh, you are a good boy.
How's your mum, darling? I ain't seen her about for a while.
She's okay, thanks.
Oh.
She still up the nuthouse? Nan.
Mum went into hospital for a rest, but she's much better now, thanks.
Oh, I am pleased, darling, 'cause last time I saw your mother, she was down on all fours in the dry cleaners barking like a dog.
No, I think you must have her confused with somebody else, mrs Taylor.
No, loopy Lou! Everyone knows your mother.
I remember when she got barred out of tesco's when they caught her peeing in the deep freeze.
Off her fucking nut, she was! Still, I'm very pleased to hear she's feeling better.
There you go, mrs Taylor.
It was just the fuse, so I'll be on my way.
No, you won't, son.
Oh, no, no.
You'll take something for your trouble.
Now, we've been through this.
- Now, I won't take your money.
- Now, be a good boy.
- It's only a fuse.
- That's not the point.
There's £50.
Look, I can't take it.
Now, you take it, and go and treat your mother to a nice new hat.
Well, thank you, mrs Taylor, you look after yourself.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Very obliged to you coming at such short notice.
Truly, I am.
What a fucking liberty! £50? £50? He weren't here five minutes! Greedy little bastard! - Nan, you offered it to him.
- He nearly took me fucking hand off! - But he was gonna do it for free.
- Mugged in me own front room.
Oh, and he was such a lovely little boy and all.
I remember he used to come up here wearing his little cowboy outfit.
Should have fucking kept it on.
Nan! And a lot of good you were and all.
Stood there worried about what side your hair's parted, while I'm getting turned over by a man whose mother eats her own shit! Being ginger is who I am.
Why should I deny that? You shouldn't.
And that's why we're here.
We have all sorts of gingers here.
Gingers in denial, confused gingers, even militant gingers, but they have one thing in common, they don't need to fear the outside world.
They're all welcome to stay here in peace and harmony.
I've had enough of you! I've had enough, that's the last time! Put the bottle down.
What's she doing here? She's not even ginger.
She's strawberry blonde! I've as much right to be here as you.
Look at her face.
She's not even pale.
I'm as ginger as you are.
How come you're the only one who uses the garden when it's sunny? Oh, look, she's getting a tan.
All right, everyone, that's enough.
Look at us! Look at us.
From strawberry blondes to flame-haired beauties, we are all ginger.
And if we can't get on with each other in here, what chance do we have in the real world? "Duracell," "ginger nut, carrot-top, copper knob.
" We're used to getting that kind of abuse every day out there.
People asking us to move away from areas where food is being prepared.
Total strangers assuming we're Scottish! Forever trawling the streets, trying to find a hairdresser's that isn't "fully booked".
Well, not in here.
This is a safe haven for everyone and everything ginger.
Let's keep it that way! Gingers out! Gingers out! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447 448 449 450 451 452 453 454 455 456 457 458 459 460 461 462 463
It's gonna be well good.
- No, it ain't, it's gonna be boring.
- I reckon it might be all right, you know.
Yeah, it'll be a laugh, won't it? Are we getting the tube? 'Cause I ain't got my pass with me.
No, we're getting a coach, innit? How embarrassing is that? - No, a coach'll be a laugh, man.
- Yeah, it'll be all right, won't it? I forgot to tell you.
Do you know who I saw yesterday? Oh, my God, what is she wearing? What is she wearing? I ain't walking down the street with her looking like that.
That is well shameful.
How are we all? Looking forward to a slice of culture? - Miss? - We're all in for a treat today.
- Miss? - I'm gonna give you your tickets now.
- Miss? - I want you to look after them.
- Miss? - And don't lose them.
Yes, Lauren? Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing, but have you seen what you've got on? Are you suggesting I don't know what I'm wearing, Lauren? I don't know, miss, I thought maybe someone had thrown it at you or something.
Well, I think it's nice to make an effort once in a while.
No, I don't think it is, miss.
- Now, the coach is parked by the main gates.
- You going out on the street like that, miss? Gather up all your belongings.
Are you going out on the street looking like that, though? Yes, Lauren.
Oh, my God, what have you got on your feet? I'm too scared to look.
Look at them, now! Jesus creepers.
That is well bad.
I think it's nice to let your feet breathe.
Are you a Christian, miss? - Lauren, get your things together.
- Are you a Christian, though? - We don't have time for this.
- Right, but are you a Christian? - Lauren! - Is the lord your Shepherd, miss? Sorry? - But is he your Shepherd, though? - I beg your pardon? - Have you got Jesus in your heart, miss? - What? - Is he in your heart, though? - Lauren! - Why do you wear clothes like that, then? - Lauren! - Do you like cliff Richard, miss? - Lauren.
- Are you the vicar of Dibley, miss? - Lauren! - But are you the vicar of Dibley, though? - No, of course not! - Are we your flock? - What? - Are we your flock, though? - No.
- Is it that we are your flock? - No, you're not my flock.
- Have you got a friend in Jesus, miss? - Oh, for goodness sake! - Does he want you for a sunbeam? - Look Does he want you for a sunbeam, though? Lauren, enough.
You're just wasting time now, not to mention being incredibly rude to me.
Now, get your things together, or I shall suspend you from this trip.
Am I bothered? - Lauren.
- Am I bothered, though? - Look, don't make me do this.
- I ain't doing nothing, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You'll regret this.
- No, I won't, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- I mean what I say.
- Do I look bothered? - I don't understand why you do this.
- I don't understand why you wear that! - Lauren.
- I don't give, miss.
- Come on.
- Don't give, mate.
- Now, come on.
Lauren.
- Don't care, mate.
Don't give, mate.
- Lauren.
- Don't give, mate.
- Stop it.
- Ask me if I give.
Ask me if I give.
- Lauren, stop it! - Don't give, mate.
- Lauren! Stop it! - Don't give.
Don't give.
- Come on.
Stop it.
- Don't give.
Ain't bothered.
- I don't - Don't care.
- I'm not, I'm not - Am I bothered? - No - Do I look bothered, though? - No.
No.
- Is my face bothered? - No.
Come on.
- I ain't bothered.
- Face.
Look.
Bothered.
Face.
Look.
- Lauren no you now.
.
Cut - Sandals.
Look.
Bothered.
- You - Christian.
Face.
Bothered.
Christian.
- You don't you don't I ain't bothered! Right! Lauren, you are not going on this trip.
You can sit there and get comfortable, it's going to be a very long afternoon.
- Am I bothered, though? - Not another word! Right.
Well, I don't think that looks too bad.
I think a course of antibiotics should clear that up within about a week.
Well, yes, you see I'm very sensitive, doctor.
I have to be very careful what I put in my mouth.
Right.
How's your mother, Derek? You still living at home? She's very well, thank you, doctor, and yes, I'm still there.
Couldn't leave her on her own, not at her age, dear.
Oh, Derek, I've saved you one of these leaflets.
The surgery is starting a new gay men's health clinic on the first Monday of every month.
I don't know if that's something that would interest you? I beg pardon? It's a new health clinic on mondays.
Yes, I heard that bit.
For gay men.
I beg your pardon? How very dare you? I've never been so insulted! Derek, everything said here is completely confidential.
What on earth are you insinuating? I'm sorry, Derek, I didn't mean to speak out of turn, I just always assumed you were gay.
Gay, dear? Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because I live with my mother and haven't found the right girl yet, you assume I take it up the 'arris? How very dare you! I apologise unreservedly.
Well, yes, I think you should.
25 years I've been coming here, and then you suddenly come out with this? Well, I find you impertinent.
"Gay men's health clinic"? How very dare you! Derek, your, urn It's a gentleman's sponge bag.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Cup of tea? Thank you.
Milk and sugar? Okay, we've taken a full statement, and in the light of the information you've given us, I don't feel it's safe for you to go back home.
I'm recommending we take you to a refuge where there's other people like yourself.
Other people like myself? Is that your answer? Put us all in the ghettos, make sure all the freaks are together? It's not fair.
I'm the victim here, not the criminal.
I know, Sandra, but we can't protect you from these bigots 24 hours a day.
That's why we're offering you a place at the refuge.
Thank you.
I'm just sick of the inbreds in this stupid village sniggering at me behind my back.
I thought about moving to London, you know, where people are more accepting, but then I thought no, why should I run and hide? I know it's a cliche, but I am what I am.
Come on, Sandra, don't upset yourself.
Don't upset myself? The people in the village spit at me, the children throw dog muck through the letterbox, and you're saying don't upset myself.
It's just not fair! I know, Sandra, but at the end of the day, there will always be those who just can't bring themselves to accept people who are You can say it, you know.
Ginger.
- So where is this refuge? - It's just outside long risden, about 20 Miles from here.
We can take you there tonight.
We have got hair dye, if you don't want people seeing you leave.
Do you not think I tried that? I dyed my hair and my eyebrows black when I was 15, but at the end of the day, I've still got freckly arms.
So, shall we go, then? What's it like? Is everybody there ginger? Oh, not all of them.
There are a few normal Normal ginger people who work there as well.
But there's nothing to worry about, they've been trained to work with ginger people.
Some of them even have ginger relatives themselves.
We're not saying it's right that you should have to go there, but at the moment, what with the current hate campaigns against "geen" Sorry, ginger people, we think it's the safest course of action right now.
Oh, come on, love.
Now, come on.
Now, don't upset yourself.
Come on, let's go.
Good girl.
Come on.
Come on, now.
Come on, it's gonna be all right.
There you go.
Come on, now.
Now, get that chair wiped down, will you? And make sure someone's here to burn my clothes when I get back.
Ally! Hello.
Oh, my goodness, I've just been in your garden.
It's gorgeous.
Thank you.
Look, I don't believe you've met Yvonne? No, hello.
I'm ally.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, you've got something on your face there.
- Just give it a rub off.
Yeah.
- Is that all right? No, I think it's a hair or something.
Hold on.
It's attached.
Urn Just doesn't I mean, it doesn't No, I mean, you can't see it.
I mean, I can see it, but then I know it's there.
I mean, he didn't see it.
He doesn't know it's there.
Oh, Christ, there's more.
Urn Don't pluck them, two will grow in one.
So My nan had a beard.
Ooooh.
Well, you might think you've heard everything.
Listen to this.
- Well, I don't know where to start.
- Well, where do you start? - We was on our way to see our valder.
- She'd just moved to beverley.
- She used to live on bransholme.
- Yeah, they don't need to know that.
So anyway, we're on our way to see our valder, and we have to keep stopping because ray hadn't brought his driving glasses.
I'm usually all right, but they'd just put in a new ring road, so So anyway, we stopped again to ask for directions, and we noticed we were opposite a pub.
Listen to this.
So we thought we'd better have something to eat before we get there, because valder's one of these vegetarians.
They don't eat meat.
So we cross over to this pub.
It looked all right from the outside, didn't it? Oh, famous last words.
So we gets in, and there's a sign saying it was what do they call it? A gastropub.
Don't ask.
- So we sits down, and we looks at the menu.
- Listen to this.
Well, first thing on the menu was mushroom soup.
- Well, ray liked the sound of that, didn't you? - Yeah, not for long.
- Then he read what were in it.
- Listen to this.
- When he read what sort of mushrooms they were.
- This is unbelievable.
What were they called? Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You went mad, didn't you? Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You don't want that in soup, do you? "Shit-ache" mushrooms, dried.
You don't want it in anything.
Now, I've eaten everything, right? From whitby crab to gammon with pineapple on it, so I'm not squeamish.
But I am not eating anything that has got "dried shit" in the title.
No way.
This is in beverley.
The dirty bastards! I've not told you about today, have I? - What's been happening? - I can't believe I ain't told you.
- Told me what? - Have I told you already? - Told me what, babe? - No, I must have told you.
You ain't told me nothing.
There is absolutely no way I could have got To 20 past 10 without telling you what's happened to me today.
- What is it? - You are gonna die.
Oh, come on.
I might as well ring the ambulance now, because you are gonna die.
- Come on, you gotta tell me now.
- I ain't told you, have I? - You ain't said nothing.
- This is quality.
Come on, what you done this time? Lunchtime, right, I'm out with kerry and gay Simon, and we're on our way to gino's.
We get there, we're about to go in and kerry says she don't want nothing to eat, 'cause she's doing the atkins, all she wants is a packet of extra-strong mints.
So I said, well I'm not that fussed about eating either, 'cause I'd gone mad and had an m&s wheat-germ tricolor for me breakfast.
Then, gay Simon says, in that case, he don't want nothing either, - 'cause he ain't eating on his own.
- What, nobody wanted anything to eat? Nobody wanted anything to eat, and we're stood outside gino's like a bunch of nutters! No! Well, we looks at each other like that.
As usual, kerry's the first to go.
She starts laughing.
I said, "I hope you ain't laughing at me, kerry Baxter.
" Baxter ain't her real name, but she don't talk to her dad no more, so she thought she might as well change it.
Meanwhile, gay Simon is laughing so much he's collapsed.
No! He has collapsed.
It's 1200, the three of us are standing outside gino's, no one's eating, and we are racked with agony.
What are you lot like when you get together? - Oh, but that ain't it.
- That ain't it? That that is your starter for 10.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
So, kerry says she might as well get her mints from the newsagent.
I said I'd go with her and gay Simon said he'd come, too, as long as he didn't have to eat nothing.
So we get there, kerry buys her mints, gay Simon gets a newspaper, and I buy one of them scratch cards.
- Oh, here we go.
- I know! - Millionaires now, are we? - Shut up! Don't spoil it.
Shall I book the holiday now? Stop, I;M gonna wet meself! - What are you like? - You know what I'm like! I know what you're like.
So, we're in the shop, I'm doing me scratch card, gay Simon's looking at his newspaper, and kerry's asking the man behind the counter if there's any carbohydrate in a strawberry mini-milk.
Then, I've looked down at this scratch card, I've only got three pound symbols.
- No.
- I swear to God.
- Well, you won? - Three pound symbols.
I've won me money back.
Oh, my God! But that ain't it.
I've give the card to the man behind the counter, he's looked at it like that, he said to me, "you ain't won", "'cause all the symbols have gotta be in a straight line.
" Were they not in a straight line, babe? No.
One of them's in the corner, the other one's next to it, and I can't remember where the other one is.
Well, we have gone off.
Gay Simon is doubled up, I'm screaming like a witch, and kerry's got strawberry mini-milk coming out of her nose.
It was bedlam! Why does it always happen to you? I don't know! It's a text from kerry.
Oh, here we go.
What's it say? It says it says, "when are we gonna spend your winnings?" Hello, Sandra, we've been expecting you.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Would you like to bring Sandra through? Urn, through to the other room? Yes.
Are there more people through there? Ginger people? Yes, there are.
This is a ginger refuge.
I brought Sandra here because we're short-staffed, but I can't It's not the smell.
It's it's just that I'm not qualified to work with ginger people.
I'm sorry.
We'll get your stuff sent on to you, eh? Sandra, the police are some of the most ginger-phobic people in society.
But don't worry.
As I said, you're safe now.
Come through.
Welcome to russett lodge.
Can we join you, Helen? This is Sandra kemp, she's just arrived.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, she's beautiful.
Does her mum live at the refuge? I'm her mum.
I don't understand.
You're not The ginger gene can skip a generation.
Helen is what's known as a carrier.
Although carriers can blend into society much more easily than gingers, at some point communities find out, and people like Helen are driven out of their homes, too.
So, I'm just like you.
I may not be ginger here, but I'm ginger here.
Well, I'm glad you could come.
It's so nice to see you.
Well, to be honest, I wasn't sure whether I was going to m-m-make it tonight.
Ally! Hello.
Come on, you two, get on the dance floor! - Have you two met each other? - No.
Hello, I'm ally.
Hi, I'm sh-sh-sh Chaka Khan, hat me rock you let me rock you, chaka Khan No, I'm sh-sh-sh Chaka Khan, let me rock you that's all I wanna do No, I'm sh-sh Sean.
Hmm? God, no, yeah, no, God.
No, I mean, I know yeah, no, I was just rapping.
Yeah.
No, 'cause I know you You you're Because you're Sean with the hmm? You know, it goes if you sing.
Don't do that! Beautiful service.
98.
You've gotta admit, the old bugger had a good innings.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
I'm sorry, I find that language very disrespectful.
I think you should modify your tone.
Sorry, I thought I switched it off.
Unbelievable! I'm sorry, would you mind moving down? It's very cramped in here.
- Is that you, darling? - Hiya, nan.
Oh, sweetheart, thank God for that.
Are you okay? I came as soon as I got your message.
Oh, you are a good boy.
- How are you feeling? - I'm all right, love.
Yeah, I'll be all right.
- Just a bit of a shock, that's all.
- Yeah.
When did it happen? Just after 1:00.
Been sat in not knowing what to do since then.
I got here as soon as I could, nan.
No, don't worry, darling, you weren't to know something like this was gonna happen.
How could anybody know? We all take these things for granted, and then one day, bang, that's your lot.
Yeah.
Is it just itv you can't get? No, love, it's all of them.
I've been sat here in silence for the last three-and-a-half hours.
Have you missed many of your programmes? Oh, you know me, love, I don't really take much notice.
It's just nice to have on in the background for a bit of company, - that's all, you know.
- Yeah.
Although, I suppose I'll never know what happened to tanisha.
Who's tanisha? Girl on that Trisha this morning, did you see it? - No.
- Oh, it's unbelievable.
She's getting the fat sucked out of her thigh and injected into her backside.
Only a young girl she was, I thought they'd got it the wrong way round at first, but no, she wants to have a bigger arse than she's already got.
And if you ask me, it was a fair size to start with.
You could show fucking cartoons on it! I've got someone coming over to have a look at the telly.
He should be here soon.
And I've missed me lovely gay boy, who takes you to an auction and sells all your old shit you were gonna throw out.
Oh, he's clever.
It might just be the fuse.
- Oh, that'll be Danny.
- Danny who? Oh, nan, don't start.
Danny Shaw.
I don't know no one called Shaw.
You do.
You know his mother, Lou Shaw, she's just come out of hospital.
Not loopy Lou? Don't you dare say that while he's here, she's been very ill.
Not loopy fucking Lou, love! They've never let her out again, have they? Nan, I'm warning you.
He's repairing the telly for free, so don't upset him.
For free? No, thank you.
I don't want no charity.
You can tell him to piss off out of it.
I'd rather sit in the dark.
- Hello, mrs Taylor, how you doing? - Hello, sweetheart, how are you? I'm not too bad, thanks.
Now, let's have a look at this.
Oh, you can take it away, darling.
I never really look at it.
- I'll put the kettle on.
- Did Jamie check the fuse? Oh, don't bother asking him nothing, darling.
He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm not gonna charge you for the repair, mrs Taylor, and I don't want any arguing, okay? Oh, you are a good boy.
How's your mum, darling? I ain't seen her about for a while.
She's okay, thanks.
Oh.
She still up the nuthouse? Nan.
Mum went into hospital for a rest, but she's much better now, thanks.
Oh, I am pleased, darling, 'cause last time I saw your mother, she was down on all fours in the dry cleaners barking like a dog.
No, I think you must have her confused with somebody else, mrs Taylor.
No, loopy Lou! Everyone knows your mother.
I remember when she got barred out of tesco's when they caught her peeing in the deep freeze.
Off her fucking nut, she was! Still, I'm very pleased to hear she's feeling better.
There you go, mrs Taylor.
It was just the fuse, so I'll be on my way.
No, you won't, son.
Oh, no, no.
You'll take something for your trouble.
Now, we've been through this.
- Now, I won't take your money.
- Now, be a good boy.
- It's only a fuse.
- That's not the point.
There's £50.
Look, I can't take it.
Now, you take it, and go and treat your mother to a nice new hat.
Well, thank you, mrs Taylor, you look after yourself.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Very obliged to you coming at such short notice.
Truly, I am.
What a fucking liberty! £50? £50? He weren't here five minutes! Greedy little bastard! - Nan, you offered it to him.
- He nearly took me fucking hand off! - But he was gonna do it for free.
- Mugged in me own front room.
Oh, and he was such a lovely little boy and all.
I remember he used to come up here wearing his little cowboy outfit.
Should have fucking kept it on.
Nan! And a lot of good you were and all.
Stood there worried about what side your hair's parted, while I'm getting turned over by a man whose mother eats her own shit! Being ginger is who I am.
Why should I deny that? You shouldn't.
And that's why we're here.
We have all sorts of gingers here.
Gingers in denial, confused gingers, even militant gingers, but they have one thing in common, they don't need to fear the outside world.
They're all welcome to stay here in peace and harmony.
I've had enough of you! I've had enough, that's the last time! Put the bottle down.
What's she doing here? She's not even ginger.
She's strawberry blonde! I've as much right to be here as you.
Look at her face.
She's not even pale.
I'm as ginger as you are.
How come you're the only one who uses the garden when it's sunny? Oh, look, she's getting a tan.
All right, everyone, that's enough.
Look at us! Look at us.
From strawberry blondes to flame-haired beauties, we are all ginger.
And if we can't get on with each other in here, what chance do we have in the real world? "Duracell," "ginger nut, carrot-top, copper knob.
" We're used to getting that kind of abuse every day out there.
People asking us to move away from areas where food is being prepared.
Total strangers assuming we're Scottish! Forever trawling the streets, trying to find a hairdresser's that isn't "fully booked".
Well, not in here.
This is a safe haven for everyone and everything ginger.
Let's keep it that way! Gingers out! Gingers out! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447 448 449 450 451 452 453 454 455 456 457 458 459 460 461 462 463