The Colgate Comedy Hour (1950) s03e13 Episode Script
Abbott & Costello
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
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HAL SAWYER: The Colgate Comedy Hour, starring-- LOU COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott! HAL SAWYER: With his guests, Margaret Whiting, The Nicholas Brothers, Buster Shaver and Olive, and Tom and Jerry, presented by the Colgate- Palmolive-Peet Company, makers of Colgate Dental Cream, Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream, Fab, the new wash day suds, and Palmolive soap.
And now, from Hollywood, the Abbott and Costello show.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING) Shopping, shopping, everybody's shopping.
11 more days to Christmas.
Hopping, hopping, everybody's hopping.
11 move days to Christmas.
All our friends and relations are down on the list.
But somebody always has to be missed.
Shopping, shopping.
-There's no time for stopping.
-(SINGING) 11 more days to Christmas.
I've got to get a Tinker Toy for sister Nellie's youngest boy.
I've got to get a tie for dear old Dad.
-A sweater for my brother and a necklace for my mother.
-And don't forget that tie for dear old Dad.
-You're right! -And Rosie needs some stockings.
But if this keeps up I'm hocking all the valuables and junk I ever had.
-And we need roller skates for Fanny and a bicycle for Annie.
-And don't forget the tie for dear old Dad.
-Oh, that tie! -A talking doll for baby and a briar pipe for Abie.
-And some perfume to make cousin Katie glad.
-We just thought of something funny.
Where the heck do we get money? -(SINGING): We get it all from dear old Dad.
-(SINGING): From dear old Dad.
So we're shopping, shopping, shopping 'til we're dropping.
11 more days 'til Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
11 more days 'til Christmas Day! [APPLAUSE.]
-(SINGING): There's only 11 more days 'til Christmas! -Hi.
-How are you? Hey, Santa Claus? -Aah! Come here.
Wait a minute.
-Smatta? I was going to put in a nickel or something.
-None of that stuff.
We need money for Christmas.
-Sure.
-Since I want to buy you a Christmas present, Lou, I-- -I was only gonna put a nickel in.
-Got any money? -Sure I got money.
-You have that money? -Well, I got-- let me see.
I got in the neighborhood of $28.
-Then you have $28? -In the neighborhood.
In the vicinity.
I got about $3.
-Then you have $3? -Roughly speaking.
When you smooth it out, I got a buck.
-You have got a buck? -I got one buck.
-Well, give me the buck.
-There it is, right over there.
-Now that's the way to keep it, boys.
-That's where it's supposed to go, right back in the-- -Look, I'll tell you what we do.
We, we need more money than $1.
$1 won't get us any place.
We've gotta-- we need more money.
Wait a minute.
I've got an idea, Lou.
And you know I always bring in the chips.
-I know you bring in the chips.
-I tell you what you do.
You walk across the street, get his by an automobile.
We run the guy in the car.
Charge him damages.
And he'll wanna settle.
No one wants to go to court on Christmas, do they? -Just a minute.
You want me to run in front of the street and by a car, and get hit with a care? -What do you-- -And then the guy's gonna sue us? -No, no.
We sue them! -Oh, then we sue the guy? -Sure.
-And then we-- right.
Because the guy, he don't wanna go Christmas time? -That's right.
-Why should I get hit with a car? -But Louie-- -You get hit with a car! -You always think of yourself, don't ya? -I get hit with a car, I go to hospital.
What's gonna happen to me? -Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.
You get a punch in the nose.
-Boy, you're pickin' out some pick ideas, brother.
I know, we gotta get some money, but why I gotta get punched in the nose to get it? -All right.
I'll tell you what we do.
The first couple along that comes along here, you say that the woman has a very funny hat on, make fun of it.
The husband will punch you in the nose-- -Don't look now.
Don't look.
-We'll take him to court.
Wait, here.
--[LAUGHING.]
Oh, this is on the level.
Ha ha! Get a gander at this hat! Ha ha ha! What time do you take off, lady? [LAUGHTER.]
-Ha ha! Get a load of this thing, Abbott.
Yipes! Holy-- hey Abbott, look at this.
Hey, mister.
I see some crummy hats on ladies, but this is the crummiest hat I ever saw on anybody.
-What did you say? -I said that's a crummy hat.
-Ha ha.
Thanks, pal.
I told you it was a lousy hat! [LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-I don't think that worked, did it? -Why didn't you get a punch in the nose? I oughta do it myself.
We've got to get you a punch in the nose now.
We've gotta get-- -Camera number three.
Camera number three! -Quiet! -Camera number three! Grapes! [LAUGHTER.]
-The next couple that comes out here-- the next couple that come out, you tell the woman that you saw her husband kiss another woman.
That'll do it.
-I saw the man she's with kiss another woman? -That'll get you a punch in the nose.
-I gotta get a punch in the nose.
-Stool pigeon.
Oh, we'll sue him for plenty.
-Hey, shorty! My mother's gonna like this fight.
Hey, shorty! Hey, lady.
I saw that man kiss another woman.
-[GASP.]
That was his wife! Oh, please don't tell her about us.
Please don't.
Whatever you do! [LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-I swear I saw that kid wrestlin' at the Legion Theater.
-Now wait a minute! We've gotta get some-- oh, wait a minute! I've got it.
-I don't think your ideas are worth it at all, Abbott! I, I, I don't think your ideas are worth it at all! -Lou, this is a better one.
-I'd just as soon panhandle for a couple of bucks.
-Wait a minute.
The next guy comes along, just say that we stole something.
Accuse him of stealing.
He's bound to punch you in the nose.
-Just a minute, buddy.
-Thatta boy.
Now you got it.
-What's the idea, you stealing that box? -I'm sorry, mister.
I didn't know it was yours.
Please, mister.
Don't call the cops.
Please, mister.
Don't put me in jail for Christmas! I didn't mean to steal that, mister.
I gotta wife and about four kids home.
And they haven't got any shoes! [CRYING.]
And the landlord, he's gonna move us out.
[CRYING.]
-That poor man! [CRYING.]
MAN: [CRYING.]
-What's the idea? -So, you're the crook that stole my suit! Tryin' to ruin my Christmas morning, huh? I've been saving up all year and you try to steal it from me.
Whatta you mean-- -There he is.
You see him? -Why, look at that innocent little face.
Why, you dirty crook! I oughta break every bone in your body! -Tell him where you got the box.
-He gave it to me.
-Yeah! I'll give you a Christmas present! [LAUGHTER.]
-Get a load of that picture.
Don't that look like a spear stickin' in him? [LAUGHTER.]
Come on.
Hey, Abbott.
-Eh.
-Come on, baby.
Come on.
This is, this is the show that you're going to get it, brudda.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Lou.
-Take it easy, Abbott.
Take it-- Abbott, follow me over here, kid, because-- -Yeah.
The man, the man-- yeah.
-I know there's more to come.
Come on.
-I know.
Lou.
-Don't you know what you're doing, buddy? -No, I hit my head.
-Don't you know what you're doing? -No, Lou.
-You can't do nothin', buddy? -No.
You see I can't.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Come on, buddy boy! Come on! Now I'm going to get you help, buddy.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Ow, you big goat! Why don't you watch where you're going? [LAUGHTER.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
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Rob Stanton reporting.
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Yes, Palmolive brings out beauty while it cleans your skin.
Today, buy the regular or bath-size Palmolive, the chlorophyll green soap with the pure white lather.
Same wrapper, same low price.
Yes, nature's chlorophyll is in every cake of Palmolive soap.
Nature's chlorophyll is what makes Palmolive green.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Come back down here! Come on down here.
-No sir.
-What are you gonna do? -I'm gonna jump.
-No, don't! -Yes.
-No, don't.
Stay right here.
Come on! [LAUGHTER.]
MAN: OK.
Now let's see it.
-All right.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: Meet the Martins, one of the millions of American families that use Colgate Dental Cream, mother and father and two healthy children.
Hey, kids! Why do you like Colgate Dental Cream? -It's the swellest-tasting toothpaste in the world.
-Sure is! -We know that brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream stops unpleasing breath and helps stop tooth decay.
Our dentist told us-- -Colgate Dental cream instantly stops unpleasing breath in 7 out of 10 cases that originate in the mouth.
And the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating is the best home method known to help stop tooth decay.
It stopped more decay for more people than ever before reported in dentifrice history.
-And something else we found about brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream, it makes your mouth feel cleaner longer, gives you a clean, fresh mouth all day long.
ANNOUNCER: So join the millions of Americans who brush their teeth right after eating with pure white safe Colgate Dental Cream, to stop unpleasing breath, stop tooth decay.
CHORUS: Brush your teeth with Colgate.
Colgate Dental Cream.
It cleans your breath-- MAN: What a toothpaste! CHORUS: --while it cleans your teeth! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Well, Lou.
Got some news for ya.
I finally got a job.
For breaking those windows out, we gotta pay for it.
I got a job.
I'm gonna pay it off.
And I'm tired out.
-I didn't break the windows.
You're the guy that broke the windows, not me.
-I know.
I know.
-Now whatta we gotta do? -I'm just tired out.
-What kinda job you got? -Listen.
Stop worrying about-- -What kinda job we got? -Working down at the department store.
-Doing what? -What do you care what we're doing? I need a, a scalp treatment, Lou.
I want to get fixed up.
Come on.
-What are you gonna have, an executive job down there? -Why not? -Oh, that's a-- an executive job, huh? -Well, what's wrong with that? -You wanna scalp treatment? -I want a scalp treatment.
-Who's gonna give it to ya? -You! -Me? Gonna give you a scalp treatment? -Come on, Lou.
-Are you kidding, brudda? Take your coat off.
You want a scalp treatment? -Yes.
-Abbott, you know I don't know anything about giving anybody a treatment.
-Wait a minute, Lou.
There's a man on the radio right now.
And he'll tell you all about it.
And you listen to what he says and do it as he tells ya.
-Yeah.
But what kinda job we gonna have down there? -Don't you worry about what kind of a job.
Get me a towel.
-I hope we get a good job.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Men, are you losing your hair? -Oh, is this the guy? -That's him.
That's him.
-If you are, listen daily for our treatment.
-Now listen to him and do everything he tells you to do.
-OK.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): First, place a towel around the neck, a nice large towel, and fasten it securely.
Then, massage the scalp nice and gently.
This stimulates the scalp, so massage gently.
-Gently.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-Gently.
You hear the man.
-Gently.
You hear the man.
You hear the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
You hear the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
Gently.
Gently -That's the boy.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently, soothing.
-Soothe.
Oh, that's so soothing.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-That's so nice.
What are ya-- what are ya doing? MAN (ON THE RADIO): Massage gently.
-Listen to the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-There you are.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Nice and-- -Over here! Over here on the scalp! MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now go and get your favorite scalp tonic.
-Now I gotta get the scalp tonic.
Don't go away.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Ladies and gentlemen.
This scalp treatment is coming to you through the courtesy of the Anaconda Noodle Company.
Our recipe for today is noodle stuffing for your Christmas turkey.
Our quick-boiling noodle is tender in three minutes.
Now, boil the noodles.
I'll wait.
[SNORING.]
-This is it, Abbott.
[LAUGHTER.]
This is the first time I ever had anything like this happen to him.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now, is the noodle ready? Now add two eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now beat the eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Fore! This opportunity I do not wish to miss.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now if the eggs are beaten, mix thoroughly with the noodle.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now add some chopped celery and onion.
[LAUGHTER.]
-I hope you're right about this guy, Abbott.
I hope you're right.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now add one can of fresh mushroom.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): You may eliminate the mushrooms if you like.
Now, is everything thoroughly mixed? Then get ready to stuff the noodle into your Christmas turkey.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now open the turkey.
Now stuff the noodle into the turkey.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Be sure to get all the noodle in.
Now place it in the oven.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Come on, boy.
Come on.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now set your oven at 275 degrees and figure 25 minutes to each pound.
-25 minutes to each pound? This guy's a-- [COUGH.]
this guy-- [COUGH.]
I'm supposed to talk here.
This guy's a-- [COUGH.]
this guy's 175 pounds.
He'll be here 'til Wednesday! [LAUGHTER.]
-You ready yet, brudda? Hurry up! You ready? Come on.
BUD ABBOTT: [COUGHING.]
What are you trying to do, burn up all the hair on my head? What's wrong with you? Why do-- [LAUGHTER.]
-Why do you do this? -Better look at yourself, Abbott.
-Just because I take a nap.
Aah! LOU COSTELLO: [SCREAMING.]
Hey, hey! What are you cooking? -What? [APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: Hey, feller.
Where's the fire? Look out! Uh-oh.
Boy, right in the mud.
Well, here we go again.
Like they say, mother's work is never done.
Right, mom? -Oh, this? Well, you know how boys are.
And this isn't work, really.
I just toss it into my washing machine, with Fab.
ANNOUNCER: There's a smart girl.
She's one of thousands who's discovered that Fab washes whiter without bleaching.
Yes, whiter than any other product known with bleach in the wash water.
Look at that.
In just a few minutes, Fab washed the shirt really white and without bleaching.
It's a livelier white.
Fab washes clothes cleaner too than any soap on earth, because Fab gets out dirt an leaves no dulling soap scum.
You get brighter looking, sweeter smelling washes.
And Fab is mild to hand.
-Why don't you try Colgate's new Fab, for whiter washes without bleaching? ANNOUNCER: Yes, next time you go marketing, get Colgate's new Fab.
Find out for yourself why more and more in every store the folks all grab for Fab.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite Capitol recording star, Margaret Whiting.
-(SINGING) If I am fancy-free, and love to wander, it's just the gypsy in my soul.
There's something calling me from way out yonder.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
I've got to give vent to my emotions.
I'm only content having my way.
There is no other life of which I'm fonder.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
I have a certain way that makes other people say that I lack responsibility.
I may refuse to labor as hard as my good neighbor, but that's the way I like to be.
-(SINGING): If I am fancy-free, and love to wander-- -(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): There is no other life of which I'm fonder.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
No cares.
-(SINGING): No cares.
-(SINGING): No strings.
-(SINGING): Got no strings.
-(SINGING): My heart.
-(SINGING): My heart.
-(SINGING): Is gonna have wings.
That's why I'm fancy-free and I love to wander.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): Gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): In my soul.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING): Why don't you believe me? It's you I adore.
Forever and ever.
Can I promise more? I told you so often the way that I care.
Why don't you believe me? It just isn't fair.
Here is a heart that is lonely.
Here is a heart you can take.
Here is a heart for you only that you can keep or break.
How else can I tell you? What more can I do? Why don't you believe me? I love only you.
Here is a heart that is lonely.
Here is a heart you can take.
Here is a heart for you only that you can keep or break.
How else can I tell you? What more can I do? Why don't you believe me? I love only you.
I love only you.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Hurry up, boys, and bring in the rest of the things.
-Come on.
Come on.
You want me to do all the work? Get it in here.
Get it in here! Come on.
Come on.
Come on Come on, Louie.
Come on, Louie.
That's a boy.
Get it out.
Come on! Now, Louie, you don't want me to do all the work, do ya? Now there's all these packages here.
Now come on, Louie.
Get it up a little farther.
Oh, now.
Wait a minute.
Whoa.
About that much more.
Little more.
Little more.
Whoa.
That's enough.
There we are.
-Here.
Here.
What's going on here? What's going on here? How many times have I told you that Christmas trees and presents are a waste of money? Get this junk outta here.
-Just a minute.
Who do you think you are, Scrooge? I wanna give this guy the dickens.
-Go ahead.
Get this stuff outta here.
This is my house.
-You wanna sign-- -I mean, after all, you wanna sign for this? Mr.
Abbott and I brought the stuff up here.
We're not going to take it-- hey, Abbott.
-What? -Between you and I don't you think this guy parts his hair too wide apart? [LAUGHTER.]
-Get this stuff outta here! I'm, I pay for this stuff and I can't afford it! Get it outta here.
-How do you keep that head from slippin' off the pillows? [LAUGHTER.]
-You see what happens? You see what happens with Christmas! You're gonna get me killed.
Get outta here! I can't afford this junk! -Say please.
-Go ahead.
-Please, please get it out of here! -I'll take it out.
-Go on.
Get it out of here! What's the matter-- you see what you're causing now? Trouble! That's the trouble with you! DOROTHY: Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble.
SIDNEY: I told you, I will not celebrate Christmas! DOROTHY: Oh, you never want to celebrate anything! Every other house on the block has Christmas lights in the windows.
-Sure, I gotta put up lights.
I can go outside and look at the lights for nothing.
What do I have to put up lights for? I won't spend a nickel for Christmas.
This is my money.
I earn the money.
And I'll spend it the way I like! DOROTHY: Spend it! You just show me one gift you ever gave me.
SIDNEY: Everything in this house I gave you, didn't I? Didn't I give you everything in the house? DOROTHY: Sure, oh sure.
SIDNEY: I give you your food.
I give you your clothes.
The bed you sleep in is mine.
-Oh, that's right.
That's right.
[CRYING.]
-Oh, no.
No.
No.
Let's not-- quarrel.
Honey, wait a minute.
Let's not quarrel.
Here, boy! Boy! Bring it back.
Bring it back.
-Oh, darling.
You're making me so happy.
SIDNEY: Now, Dorothy-- DOROTHY: Now we'll have real Christmas, shall we? SIDNEY: That's right.
I'm sorry.
I don't want you to have any trouble, no more trouble, no more arguing.
DOROTHY: Oh, that's sweet.
I'd love to have open house.
SIDNEY: That's wonderful.
Oh, we'll bring your brother's kids from the dancing school.
Oh, that's wonderful! Hey.
These are nice presents.
Aren't they beautiful? DOROTHY: Aren't they nice? Who are these things-- who are these things for, darling? -Well, let's see.
Uh.
There are some things for my three brothers.
-Your brothers? DOROTHY: And, uh, let's see.
There's something for my father.
SIDNEY: Yeah.
DOROTHY: And then, uh, there's a present for my mother.
SIDNEY: Your mother! Your mother! Your mother.
That's all you do is-- I didn't marry your mother! I married you.
I don't wanna have anything in this house that even reminds me of your mother! -There you go again-- -What do they get for me? A broken-down back scratcher.
What can I do with a back scratcher? -You've been using it for a salad tosser! [CRYING.]
-Oh.
No, no.
No.
No.
Oh.
I didn't mean that.
I know how you feel.
I just don't understand.
I gotta have the money in the bank for these things! Look, I have no money.
My feet are coming through my shoes! And my elbows are coming through my sleeves.
I have no-- what does all this stuff cost? How much was the stove? DOROTHY: Oh, well, see, it was $0.
59 for your tie and $475 for mother.
-For mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm going out of my mind with your mother! Get that junk out of here, you imbeciles! Look out! That's a grandfather clock.
What's the matter with you? Idiot! Darling, I don't know.
Oh, wait.
Wait, honey.
Aw.
-It's always the same thing.
-Oh, sweetheart.
I didn't mean it.
Oh, my little-- I don't know why we quarrel.
We shouldn't quarrel, honey.
If you-- DOROTHY: Let's have a real nice Christmas for once, shall we? -We would have a nice Christmas-- oh! Oh, if you wouldn't start the arguments, we wouldn't have an argument! SIDNEY: Who starts the arguments? [LAUGHTER.]
-I haven't got $8 in my checking account! -Oh, you must have.
-I don't know what's going on in this house! -I don't either! -Why don't you give the lady what she wants? -Why don't you mind your own business? -Why don't you get a divorce? -That's a good idea.
I think I will.
- Sidney.
-Dorothy.
-I'm leaving you.
-No.
-It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this old house, with all its fond memories.
And this dear old fireplace.
Many nights I've enjoyed the warmth of your cheerful flames.
Goodbye, old fireplace.
-I hope you're satisfied! My wife has left me! What do you think? -Why don't you leave her? -Hey.
-Why don't you go to the YWCA? -You mean the YM-- the YMCA! -You go where you like and I'll go where I like.
We got it in two parts.
-I'm not interested in what you think.
But it's an idea.
I'll go to the club.
And believe me, it's rough leaving these wonderful comfortable old surroundings.
You don't know what this home means to me and my old fireplace.
I built that.
Well, goodbye old fireplace.
Goodbye.
-His wife.
-You know, come to think of it, I think I'll divorce you.
You've caused enough trouble, especially on this show.
Goodbye, old fireplace.
-Maybe I am a bad boy? Maybe I have caused enough trouble.
It's the end of the year.
And I thought maybe Santa Claus would be nice to me if I was nice to him all year.
I didn't mean to be mean to Abbott.
Ladies and gentlemen, they wrote the show that way.
Ordinarily it would be me who was pushed into the windows.
But they says, let him go in this week.
Ordinarily it would be me who would have had the, the turkey on the head.
He had it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Now that I gave him this kind of stuff to do, we're through.
Goodbye, Bud.
Goodbye to everybody on the Colgate show, because this is our last show this year.
I wanna say goodbye to the cameramen.
And to you, the boom man.
Put the mics so they can see you, please.
To this guy.
Take it up! That's enough.
I wanna say goodbye to Hal Goodman and all the musicians.
And to all the wonderful technicians in the control room I want to say goodbye for 1952.
Most of all, the wonderful men on the stage, I wanna say goodbye.
Thanks a lot for helping Abbott and I to have one of the finest years we've ever had.
Most of all, I want to say goodbye to this scene.
[LAUGHTER.]
And the guy that wrote it.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm kidding.
And I want to say goodbye to all the wonderful props that the property men gave us, especially this fireplace that he gave us.
I wish to say goodbye to this wonderful fireplace.
Goodbye, old fireplace! Goodbye.
[MUSIC PLAYING .]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING): You get smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shaves by shaving the Palmolive Brushless way.
Yes, smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shave the Palmolive Brushless way.
ANNOUNCER: Yes.
Get smoother, more comfortable shaves the Palmolive Brushless shaving cream way.
Velvet-smooth Palmolive Brushless wilts the toughest whiskers, actually protects your skin with a soft film that floats your razor's cutting edge.
The Palmolive Brushless way was tested by 1,200 men following package directions.
And three out of four reported beards easier to cut, less razor pull.
-Smoother.
-More comfortable.
-Yes, more comfortable shaves.
ANNOUNCER: So men, try the Palmolive Brushless way yourself.
You'll see-- -(SINGING): You'll get smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shaves the Palmolive Brushless way HAL SAWYER: Try the Palmolive Brushless shaving cream way tomorrow.
And for that perfect gift that'll please all men, get deluxe size Palmolive Aftershave Lotion, smartly styled with fired-on glass lettering and simulated gold cap.
$1 plus tax at toilet goods counters.
That's Palmolive Aftershave Lotion.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Ladies and gentlemen.
[APPLAUSE.]
-Ladies and gentlemen, here on the Abbott and Costello Show for the Colgate Comedy Hour, we're very happy to welcome a very, very fine dance team.
They're one of the finest dancers in our Hollywood area.
We'd like you to meet them now, the famous Nicholas Brothers.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Thank you, The Nicholas Brothers.
And now, we give you Hal Goodman and that wonderful band of his, playing Irving Berlin's beautiful "White Christmas.
" Take it away, Hal.
LOU COSTELLO: Hold it! Just a minute.
Just a minute! I'd like to know if I could lead this band, please.
Do not put your hand on me like that, Goodman.
I'd like to know if I could lead the-- Don't hit me like that, Goodman.
Don't hit me like that, Goodman! I said Goodman, don't! BUD ABBOTT: Mr.
Goodman, he's only a boy! He don't mean any harm.
-Now wait a minute! -Hal! [CRASH.]
-No, don't hit him, Hal! Hal! Hal, don't hit him.
Hal! I'll make good.
I'll make good with everyone.
Please! Don't hit him! Don't hit him.
Don't hit him.
Don't hit him! Look! Fellas-- [APPLAUSE.]
-Yikes! Yikes.
You're on Colgate-- Mr.
Goodman, if you don't mind, while you're in that straitjacket-- and don't get the cards wrong.
[LAUGHTER.]
You'll hear from Berlin.
Ready.
[MUSIC PLAYING - "WHITE CHRISTMAS".]
-(SINGING): I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright.
And may all your Christmases, may all your Christmases be white! [APPLAUSE.]
-Thank you! [MUSIC PLAYING - "WHITE CHRISTMAS".]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Hold it! Hold it there, because we haven't got too much time.
And this is it! Come on! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[APPLAUSE.]
HAL SAWYER: Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair, presents the lovely recording star, June Valli.
JUNE VALLI (SINGING): Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair, so Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo, girls.
-Gee, Miss Valli, Halo glorifies my hair just like it does yours.
-Mine too.
-I can see that.
Your hair has a far brighter sparkle after a Halo shampoo, doesn't it? You know, that's because of Halo's special glorifying ingredient.
-And Halo is so mild, I can use it every day.
-And just look at the way Halo leaves my curls.
They're so much springier, softer.
And it's just amazing the way my set lasts and lasts after a Halo shampoo, and without special rinses.
So get Halo shampoo.
It will glorify your hair too.
(SINGING) So Halo Shampoo, Halo! ANNOUNCER: For brighter sparkle, springier curls, and longer lasting set, get Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
[APPLAUSE.]
-Ladies and gentlemen.
-Don't forget next week's show.
-Ray Bolger.
-Ray Bolger.
A wonderful show.
-And ladies and gentlemen we wanna tell everybody in Chicago we're gonna be there Wednesday.
-That's right.
-For the opening of "Captain Kidd.
" Red Skelton, get well, baby! See ya, folks.
[APPLAUSE.]
HAL SAWYER: The Colgate Comedy Hour has been presented by Colgate Dental Cream, Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream, Fab, the new wash day suds, and Palmolive soap.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
HAL SAWYER: Featured in tonight's cast were The Four Pipers, Sid Fields, Dorothy Granger, The Hollywood Stunt Crew, Morton Jones, Jack Lomas, and Bobby Bobber.
Abbott and Costello can now be seen in their new film, "Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd," co-starring Charles Laughton.
Be sure and tune in again next week at the same time when Ray Bolger will make his starring debut on the Colgate Comedy Hour, with his special guest, Rise Stevens.
Two weeks from tonight, your star will be Ben Blue.
This is Hal Sawyer saying good night for the Colgate Comedy Hour, which has been presented by the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company, makes of quality products since 1806! [APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
HAL SAWYER: The Colgate Comedy Hour, starring-- LOU COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott! HAL SAWYER: With his guests, Margaret Whiting, The Nicholas Brothers, Buster Shaver and Olive, and Tom and Jerry, presented by the Colgate- Palmolive-Peet Company, makers of Colgate Dental Cream, Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream, Fab, the new wash day suds, and Palmolive soap.
And now, from Hollywood, the Abbott and Costello show.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING) Shopping, shopping, everybody's shopping.
11 more days to Christmas.
Hopping, hopping, everybody's hopping.
11 move days to Christmas.
All our friends and relations are down on the list.
But somebody always has to be missed.
Shopping, shopping.
-There's no time for stopping.
-(SINGING) 11 more days to Christmas.
I've got to get a Tinker Toy for sister Nellie's youngest boy.
I've got to get a tie for dear old Dad.
-A sweater for my brother and a necklace for my mother.
-And don't forget that tie for dear old Dad.
-You're right! -And Rosie needs some stockings.
But if this keeps up I'm hocking all the valuables and junk I ever had.
-And we need roller skates for Fanny and a bicycle for Annie.
-And don't forget the tie for dear old Dad.
-Oh, that tie! -A talking doll for baby and a briar pipe for Abie.
-And some perfume to make cousin Katie glad.
-We just thought of something funny.
Where the heck do we get money? -(SINGING): We get it all from dear old Dad.
-(SINGING): From dear old Dad.
So we're shopping, shopping, shopping 'til we're dropping.
11 more days 'til Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
11 more days 'til Christmas Day! [APPLAUSE.]
-(SINGING): There's only 11 more days 'til Christmas! -Hi.
-How are you? Hey, Santa Claus? -Aah! Come here.
Wait a minute.
-Smatta? I was going to put in a nickel or something.
-None of that stuff.
We need money for Christmas.
-Sure.
-Since I want to buy you a Christmas present, Lou, I-- -I was only gonna put a nickel in.
-Got any money? -Sure I got money.
-You have that money? -Well, I got-- let me see.
I got in the neighborhood of $28.
-Then you have $28? -In the neighborhood.
In the vicinity.
I got about $3.
-Then you have $3? -Roughly speaking.
When you smooth it out, I got a buck.
-You have got a buck? -I got one buck.
-Well, give me the buck.
-There it is, right over there.
-Now that's the way to keep it, boys.
-That's where it's supposed to go, right back in the-- -Look, I'll tell you what we do.
We, we need more money than $1.
$1 won't get us any place.
We've gotta-- we need more money.
Wait a minute.
I've got an idea, Lou.
And you know I always bring in the chips.
-I know you bring in the chips.
-I tell you what you do.
You walk across the street, get his by an automobile.
We run the guy in the car.
Charge him damages.
And he'll wanna settle.
No one wants to go to court on Christmas, do they? -Just a minute.
You want me to run in front of the street and by a car, and get hit with a care? -What do you-- -And then the guy's gonna sue us? -No, no.
We sue them! -Oh, then we sue the guy? -Sure.
-And then we-- right.
Because the guy, he don't wanna go Christmas time? -That's right.
-Why should I get hit with a car? -But Louie-- -You get hit with a car! -You always think of yourself, don't ya? -I get hit with a car, I go to hospital.
What's gonna happen to me? -Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.
You get a punch in the nose.
-Boy, you're pickin' out some pick ideas, brother.
I know, we gotta get some money, but why I gotta get punched in the nose to get it? -All right.
I'll tell you what we do.
The first couple along that comes along here, you say that the woman has a very funny hat on, make fun of it.
The husband will punch you in the nose-- -Don't look now.
Don't look.
-We'll take him to court.
Wait, here.
--[LAUGHING.]
Oh, this is on the level.
Ha ha! Get a gander at this hat! Ha ha ha! What time do you take off, lady? [LAUGHTER.]
-Ha ha! Get a load of this thing, Abbott.
Yipes! Holy-- hey Abbott, look at this.
Hey, mister.
I see some crummy hats on ladies, but this is the crummiest hat I ever saw on anybody.
-What did you say? -I said that's a crummy hat.
-Ha ha.
Thanks, pal.
I told you it was a lousy hat! [LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-I don't think that worked, did it? -Why didn't you get a punch in the nose? I oughta do it myself.
We've got to get you a punch in the nose now.
We've gotta get-- -Camera number three.
Camera number three! -Quiet! -Camera number three! Grapes! [LAUGHTER.]
-The next couple that comes out here-- the next couple that come out, you tell the woman that you saw her husband kiss another woman.
That'll do it.
-I saw the man she's with kiss another woman? -That'll get you a punch in the nose.
-I gotta get a punch in the nose.
-Stool pigeon.
Oh, we'll sue him for plenty.
-Hey, shorty! My mother's gonna like this fight.
Hey, shorty! Hey, lady.
I saw that man kiss another woman.
-[GASP.]
That was his wife! Oh, please don't tell her about us.
Please don't.
Whatever you do! [LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-I swear I saw that kid wrestlin' at the Legion Theater.
-Now wait a minute! We've gotta get some-- oh, wait a minute! I've got it.
-I don't think your ideas are worth it at all, Abbott! I, I, I don't think your ideas are worth it at all! -Lou, this is a better one.
-I'd just as soon panhandle for a couple of bucks.
-Wait a minute.
The next guy comes along, just say that we stole something.
Accuse him of stealing.
He's bound to punch you in the nose.
-Just a minute, buddy.
-Thatta boy.
Now you got it.
-What's the idea, you stealing that box? -I'm sorry, mister.
I didn't know it was yours.
Please, mister.
Don't call the cops.
Please, mister.
Don't put me in jail for Christmas! I didn't mean to steal that, mister.
I gotta wife and about four kids home.
And they haven't got any shoes! [CRYING.]
And the landlord, he's gonna move us out.
[CRYING.]
-That poor man! [CRYING.]
MAN: [CRYING.]
-What's the idea? -So, you're the crook that stole my suit! Tryin' to ruin my Christmas morning, huh? I've been saving up all year and you try to steal it from me.
Whatta you mean-- -There he is.
You see him? -Why, look at that innocent little face.
Why, you dirty crook! I oughta break every bone in your body! -Tell him where you got the box.
-He gave it to me.
-Yeah! I'll give you a Christmas present! [LAUGHTER.]
-Get a load of that picture.
Don't that look like a spear stickin' in him? [LAUGHTER.]
Come on.
Hey, Abbott.
-Eh.
-Come on, baby.
Come on.
This is, this is the show that you're going to get it, brudda.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Lou.
-Take it easy, Abbott.
Take it-- Abbott, follow me over here, kid, because-- -Yeah.
The man, the man-- yeah.
-I know there's more to come.
Come on.
-I know.
Lou.
-Don't you know what you're doing, buddy? -No, I hit my head.
-Don't you know what you're doing? -No, Lou.
-You can't do nothin', buddy? -No.
You see I can't.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Come on, buddy boy! Come on! Now I'm going to get you help, buddy.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Ow, you big goat! Why don't you watch where you're going? [LAUGHTER.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Nationwide Change.
Rob Stanton reporting.
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But you should know this about Palmolive, doctors have proved that Palmolive's beauty plan brings most women lovelier complexions in 14 days.
Gently massage Palmolive soap's extra mild pure lather onto your skin for just a minute three times a day.
Rinse, and pat dry.
Remember, doctors have proved Palmolive's beauty result.
In fact, Palmolive's beauty plan is far better for your skin than just average care with any leading toilet soap.
Yes, Palmolive brings out beauty while it cleans your skin.
Today, buy the regular or bath-size Palmolive, the chlorophyll green soap with the pure white lather.
Same wrapper, same low price.
Yes, nature's chlorophyll is in every cake of Palmolive soap.
Nature's chlorophyll is what makes Palmolive green.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Come back down here! Come on down here.
-No sir.
-What are you gonna do? -I'm gonna jump.
-No, don't! -Yes.
-No, don't.
Stay right here.
Come on! [LAUGHTER.]
MAN: OK.
Now let's see it.
-All right.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: Meet the Martins, one of the millions of American families that use Colgate Dental Cream, mother and father and two healthy children.
Hey, kids! Why do you like Colgate Dental Cream? -It's the swellest-tasting toothpaste in the world.
-Sure is! -We know that brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream stops unpleasing breath and helps stop tooth decay.
Our dentist told us-- -Colgate Dental cream instantly stops unpleasing breath in 7 out of 10 cases that originate in the mouth.
And the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating is the best home method known to help stop tooth decay.
It stopped more decay for more people than ever before reported in dentifrice history.
-And something else we found about brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream, it makes your mouth feel cleaner longer, gives you a clean, fresh mouth all day long.
ANNOUNCER: So join the millions of Americans who brush their teeth right after eating with pure white safe Colgate Dental Cream, to stop unpleasing breath, stop tooth decay.
CHORUS: Brush your teeth with Colgate.
Colgate Dental Cream.
It cleans your breath-- MAN: What a toothpaste! CHORUS: --while it cleans your teeth! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Well, Lou.
Got some news for ya.
I finally got a job.
For breaking those windows out, we gotta pay for it.
I got a job.
I'm gonna pay it off.
And I'm tired out.
-I didn't break the windows.
You're the guy that broke the windows, not me.
-I know.
I know.
-Now whatta we gotta do? -I'm just tired out.
-What kinda job you got? -Listen.
Stop worrying about-- -What kinda job we got? -Working down at the department store.
-Doing what? -What do you care what we're doing? I need a, a scalp treatment, Lou.
I want to get fixed up.
Come on.
-What are you gonna have, an executive job down there? -Why not? -Oh, that's a-- an executive job, huh? -Well, what's wrong with that? -You wanna scalp treatment? -I want a scalp treatment.
-Who's gonna give it to ya? -You! -Me? Gonna give you a scalp treatment? -Come on, Lou.
-Are you kidding, brudda? Take your coat off.
You want a scalp treatment? -Yes.
-Abbott, you know I don't know anything about giving anybody a treatment.
-Wait a minute, Lou.
There's a man on the radio right now.
And he'll tell you all about it.
And you listen to what he says and do it as he tells ya.
-Yeah.
But what kinda job we gonna have down there? -Don't you worry about what kind of a job.
Get me a towel.
-I hope we get a good job.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Men, are you losing your hair? -Oh, is this the guy? -That's him.
That's him.
-If you are, listen daily for our treatment.
-Now listen to him and do everything he tells you to do.
-OK.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): First, place a towel around the neck, a nice large towel, and fasten it securely.
Then, massage the scalp nice and gently.
This stimulates the scalp, so massage gently.
-Gently.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-Gently.
You hear the man.
-Gently.
You hear the man.
You hear the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
You hear the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
Gently.
Gently -That's the boy.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently, soothing.
-Soothe.
Oh, that's so soothing.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-That's so nice.
What are ya-- what are ya doing? MAN (ON THE RADIO): Massage gently.
-Listen to the man.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Gently.
-There you are.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Nice and-- -Over here! Over here on the scalp! MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now go and get your favorite scalp tonic.
-Now I gotta get the scalp tonic.
Don't go away.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Ladies and gentlemen.
This scalp treatment is coming to you through the courtesy of the Anaconda Noodle Company.
Our recipe for today is noodle stuffing for your Christmas turkey.
Our quick-boiling noodle is tender in three minutes.
Now, boil the noodles.
I'll wait.
[SNORING.]
-This is it, Abbott.
[LAUGHTER.]
This is the first time I ever had anything like this happen to him.
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now, is the noodle ready? Now add two eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now beat the eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Fore! This opportunity I do not wish to miss.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now if the eggs are beaten, mix thoroughly with the noodle.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now add some chopped celery and onion.
[LAUGHTER.]
-I hope you're right about this guy, Abbott.
I hope you're right.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now add one can of fresh mushroom.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): You may eliminate the mushrooms if you like.
Now, is everything thoroughly mixed? Then get ready to stuff the noodle into your Christmas turkey.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now open the turkey.
Now stuff the noodle into the turkey.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Be sure to get all the noodle in.
Now place it in the oven.
[LAUGHTER.]
-Come on, boy.
Come on.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN (ON THE RADIO): Now set your oven at 275 degrees and figure 25 minutes to each pound.
-25 minutes to each pound? This guy's a-- [COUGH.]
this guy-- [COUGH.]
I'm supposed to talk here.
This guy's a-- [COUGH.]
this guy's 175 pounds.
He'll be here 'til Wednesday! [LAUGHTER.]
-You ready yet, brudda? Hurry up! You ready? Come on.
BUD ABBOTT: [COUGHING.]
What are you trying to do, burn up all the hair on my head? What's wrong with you? Why do-- [LAUGHTER.]
-Why do you do this? -Better look at yourself, Abbott.
-Just because I take a nap.
Aah! LOU COSTELLO: [SCREAMING.]
Hey, hey! What are you cooking? -What? [APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: Hey, feller.
Where's the fire? Look out! Uh-oh.
Boy, right in the mud.
Well, here we go again.
Like they say, mother's work is never done.
Right, mom? -Oh, this? Well, you know how boys are.
And this isn't work, really.
I just toss it into my washing machine, with Fab.
ANNOUNCER: There's a smart girl.
She's one of thousands who's discovered that Fab washes whiter without bleaching.
Yes, whiter than any other product known with bleach in the wash water.
Look at that.
In just a few minutes, Fab washed the shirt really white and without bleaching.
It's a livelier white.
Fab washes clothes cleaner too than any soap on earth, because Fab gets out dirt an leaves no dulling soap scum.
You get brighter looking, sweeter smelling washes.
And Fab is mild to hand.
-Why don't you try Colgate's new Fab, for whiter washes without bleaching? ANNOUNCER: Yes, next time you go marketing, get Colgate's new Fab.
Find out for yourself why more and more in every store the folks all grab for Fab.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite Capitol recording star, Margaret Whiting.
-(SINGING) If I am fancy-free, and love to wander, it's just the gypsy in my soul.
There's something calling me from way out yonder.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
I've got to give vent to my emotions.
I'm only content having my way.
There is no other life of which I'm fonder.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
I have a certain way that makes other people say that I lack responsibility.
I may refuse to labor as hard as my good neighbor, but that's the way I like to be.
-(SINGING): If I am fancy-free, and love to wander-- -(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): There is no other life of which I'm fonder.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
No cares.
-(SINGING): No cares.
-(SINGING): No strings.
-(SINGING): Got no strings.
-(SINGING): My heart.
-(SINGING): My heart.
-(SINGING): Is gonna have wings.
That's why I'm fancy-free and I love to wander.
It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): Gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): In my soul.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
-(SINGING): It's just the gypsy in my soul.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING): Why don't you believe me? It's you I adore.
Forever and ever.
Can I promise more? I told you so often the way that I care.
Why don't you believe me? It just isn't fair.
Here is a heart that is lonely.
Here is a heart you can take.
Here is a heart for you only that you can keep or break.
How else can I tell you? What more can I do? Why don't you believe me? I love only you.
Here is a heart that is lonely.
Here is a heart you can take.
Here is a heart for you only that you can keep or break.
How else can I tell you? What more can I do? Why don't you believe me? I love only you.
I love only you.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Hurry up, boys, and bring in the rest of the things.
-Come on.
Come on.
You want me to do all the work? Get it in here.
Get it in here! Come on.
Come on.
Come on Come on, Louie.
Come on, Louie.
That's a boy.
Get it out.
Come on! Now, Louie, you don't want me to do all the work, do ya? Now there's all these packages here.
Now come on, Louie.
Get it up a little farther.
Oh, now.
Wait a minute.
Whoa.
About that much more.
Little more.
Little more.
Whoa.
That's enough.
There we are.
-Here.
Here.
What's going on here? What's going on here? How many times have I told you that Christmas trees and presents are a waste of money? Get this junk outta here.
-Just a minute.
Who do you think you are, Scrooge? I wanna give this guy the dickens.
-Go ahead.
Get this stuff outta here.
This is my house.
-You wanna sign-- -I mean, after all, you wanna sign for this? Mr.
Abbott and I brought the stuff up here.
We're not going to take it-- hey, Abbott.
-What? -Between you and I don't you think this guy parts his hair too wide apart? [LAUGHTER.]
-Get this stuff outta here! I'm, I pay for this stuff and I can't afford it! Get it outta here.
-How do you keep that head from slippin' off the pillows? [LAUGHTER.]
-You see what happens? You see what happens with Christmas! You're gonna get me killed.
Get outta here! I can't afford this junk! -Say please.
-Go ahead.
-Please, please get it out of here! -I'll take it out.
-Go on.
Get it out of here! What's the matter-- you see what you're causing now? Trouble! That's the trouble with you! DOROTHY: Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble.
SIDNEY: I told you, I will not celebrate Christmas! DOROTHY: Oh, you never want to celebrate anything! Every other house on the block has Christmas lights in the windows.
-Sure, I gotta put up lights.
I can go outside and look at the lights for nothing.
What do I have to put up lights for? I won't spend a nickel for Christmas.
This is my money.
I earn the money.
And I'll spend it the way I like! DOROTHY: Spend it! You just show me one gift you ever gave me.
SIDNEY: Everything in this house I gave you, didn't I? Didn't I give you everything in the house? DOROTHY: Sure, oh sure.
SIDNEY: I give you your food.
I give you your clothes.
The bed you sleep in is mine.
-Oh, that's right.
That's right.
[CRYING.]
-Oh, no.
No.
No.
Let's not-- quarrel.
Honey, wait a minute.
Let's not quarrel.
Here, boy! Boy! Bring it back.
Bring it back.
-Oh, darling.
You're making me so happy.
SIDNEY: Now, Dorothy-- DOROTHY: Now we'll have real Christmas, shall we? SIDNEY: That's right.
I'm sorry.
I don't want you to have any trouble, no more trouble, no more arguing.
DOROTHY: Oh, that's sweet.
I'd love to have open house.
SIDNEY: That's wonderful.
Oh, we'll bring your brother's kids from the dancing school.
Oh, that's wonderful! Hey.
These are nice presents.
Aren't they beautiful? DOROTHY: Aren't they nice? Who are these things-- who are these things for, darling? -Well, let's see.
Uh.
There are some things for my three brothers.
-Your brothers? DOROTHY: And, uh, let's see.
There's something for my father.
SIDNEY: Yeah.
DOROTHY: And then, uh, there's a present for my mother.
SIDNEY: Your mother! Your mother! Your mother.
That's all you do is-- I didn't marry your mother! I married you.
I don't wanna have anything in this house that even reminds me of your mother! -There you go again-- -What do they get for me? A broken-down back scratcher.
What can I do with a back scratcher? -You've been using it for a salad tosser! [CRYING.]
-Oh.
No, no.
No.
No.
Oh.
I didn't mean that.
I know how you feel.
I just don't understand.
I gotta have the money in the bank for these things! Look, I have no money.
My feet are coming through my shoes! And my elbows are coming through my sleeves.
I have no-- what does all this stuff cost? How much was the stove? DOROTHY: Oh, well, see, it was $0.
59 for your tie and $475 for mother.
-For mother! Mother! Mother! Mother! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm going out of my mind with your mother! Get that junk out of here, you imbeciles! Look out! That's a grandfather clock.
What's the matter with you? Idiot! Darling, I don't know.
Oh, wait.
Wait, honey.
Aw.
-It's always the same thing.
-Oh, sweetheart.
I didn't mean it.
Oh, my little-- I don't know why we quarrel.
We shouldn't quarrel, honey.
If you-- DOROTHY: Let's have a real nice Christmas for once, shall we? -We would have a nice Christmas-- oh! Oh, if you wouldn't start the arguments, we wouldn't have an argument! SIDNEY: Who starts the arguments? [LAUGHTER.]
-I haven't got $8 in my checking account! -Oh, you must have.
-I don't know what's going on in this house! -I don't either! -Why don't you give the lady what she wants? -Why don't you mind your own business? -Why don't you get a divorce? -That's a good idea.
I think I will.
- Sidney.
-Dorothy.
-I'm leaving you.
-No.
-It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this old house, with all its fond memories.
And this dear old fireplace.
Many nights I've enjoyed the warmth of your cheerful flames.
Goodbye, old fireplace.
-I hope you're satisfied! My wife has left me! What do you think? -Why don't you leave her? -Hey.
-Why don't you go to the YWCA? -You mean the YM-- the YMCA! -You go where you like and I'll go where I like.
We got it in two parts.
-I'm not interested in what you think.
But it's an idea.
I'll go to the club.
And believe me, it's rough leaving these wonderful comfortable old surroundings.
You don't know what this home means to me and my old fireplace.
I built that.
Well, goodbye old fireplace.
Goodbye.
-His wife.
-You know, come to think of it, I think I'll divorce you.
You've caused enough trouble, especially on this show.
Goodbye, old fireplace.
-Maybe I am a bad boy? Maybe I have caused enough trouble.
It's the end of the year.
And I thought maybe Santa Claus would be nice to me if I was nice to him all year.
I didn't mean to be mean to Abbott.
Ladies and gentlemen, they wrote the show that way.
Ordinarily it would be me who was pushed into the windows.
But they says, let him go in this week.
Ordinarily it would be me who would have had the, the turkey on the head.
He had it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Now that I gave him this kind of stuff to do, we're through.
Goodbye, Bud.
Goodbye to everybody on the Colgate show, because this is our last show this year.
I wanna say goodbye to the cameramen.
And to you, the boom man.
Put the mics so they can see you, please.
To this guy.
Take it up! That's enough.
I wanna say goodbye to Hal Goodman and all the musicians.
And to all the wonderful technicians in the control room I want to say goodbye for 1952.
Most of all, the wonderful men on the stage, I wanna say goodbye.
Thanks a lot for helping Abbott and I to have one of the finest years we've ever had.
Most of all, I want to say goodbye to this scene.
[LAUGHTER.]
And the guy that wrote it.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm kidding.
And I want to say goodbye to all the wonderful props that the property men gave us, especially this fireplace that he gave us.
I wish to say goodbye to this wonderful fireplace.
Goodbye, old fireplace! Goodbye.
[MUSIC PLAYING .]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-(SINGING): You get smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shaves by shaving the Palmolive Brushless way.
Yes, smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shave the Palmolive Brushless way.
ANNOUNCER: Yes.
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The Palmolive Brushless way was tested by 1,200 men following package directions.
And three out of four reported beards easier to cut, less razor pull.
-Smoother.
-More comfortable.
-Yes, more comfortable shaves.
ANNOUNCER: So men, try the Palmolive Brushless way yourself.
You'll see-- -(SINGING): You'll get smoother, more comfortable, comfortable shaves the Palmolive Brushless way HAL SAWYER: Try the Palmolive Brushless shaving cream way tomorrow.
And for that perfect gift that'll please all men, get deluxe size Palmolive Aftershave Lotion, smartly styled with fired-on glass lettering and simulated gold cap.
$1 plus tax at toilet goods counters.
That's Palmolive Aftershave Lotion.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
-Ladies and gentlemen.
[APPLAUSE.]
-Ladies and gentlemen, here on the Abbott and Costello Show for the Colgate Comedy Hour, we're very happy to welcome a very, very fine dance team.
They're one of the finest dancers in our Hollywood area.
We'd like you to meet them now, the famous Nicholas Brothers.
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Thank you, The Nicholas Brothers.
And now, we give you Hal Goodman and that wonderful band of his, playing Irving Berlin's beautiful "White Christmas.
" Take it away, Hal.
LOU COSTELLO: Hold it! Just a minute.
Just a minute! I'd like to know if I could lead this band, please.
Do not put your hand on me like that, Goodman.
I'd like to know if I could lead the-- Don't hit me like that, Goodman.
Don't hit me like that, Goodman! I said Goodman, don't! BUD ABBOTT: Mr.
Goodman, he's only a boy! He don't mean any harm.
-Now wait a minute! -Hal! [CRASH.]
-No, don't hit him, Hal! Hal! Hal, don't hit him.
Hal! I'll make good.
I'll make good with everyone.
Please! Don't hit him! Don't hit him.
Don't hit him.
Don't hit him! Look! Fellas-- [APPLAUSE.]
-Yikes! Yikes.
You're on Colgate-- Mr.
Goodman, if you don't mind, while you're in that straitjacket-- and don't get the cards wrong.
[LAUGHTER.]
You'll hear from Berlin.
Ready.
[MUSIC PLAYING - "WHITE CHRISTMAS".]
-(SINGING): I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright.
And may all your Christmases, may all your Christmases be white! [APPLAUSE.]
-Thank you! [MUSIC PLAYING - "WHITE CHRISTMAS".]
[APPLAUSE.]
-Hold it! Hold it there, because we haven't got too much time.
And this is it! Come on! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[APPLAUSE.]
HAL SAWYER: Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair, presents the lovely recording star, June Valli.
JUNE VALLI (SINGING): Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair, so Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo, girls.
-Gee, Miss Valli, Halo glorifies my hair just like it does yours.
-Mine too.
-I can see that.
Your hair has a far brighter sparkle after a Halo shampoo, doesn't it? You know, that's because of Halo's special glorifying ingredient.
-And Halo is so mild, I can use it every day.
-And just look at the way Halo leaves my curls.
They're so much springier, softer.
And it's just amazing the way my set lasts and lasts after a Halo shampoo, and without special rinses.
So get Halo shampoo.
It will glorify your hair too.
(SINGING) So Halo Shampoo, Halo! ANNOUNCER: For brighter sparkle, springier curls, and longer lasting set, get Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
[APPLAUSE.]
-Ladies and gentlemen.
-Don't forget next week's show.
-Ray Bolger.
-Ray Bolger.
A wonderful show.
-And ladies and gentlemen we wanna tell everybody in Chicago we're gonna be there Wednesday.
-That's right.
-For the opening of "Captain Kidd.
" Red Skelton, get well, baby! See ya, folks.
[APPLAUSE.]
HAL SAWYER: The Colgate Comedy Hour has been presented by Colgate Dental Cream, Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream, Fab, the new wash day suds, and Palmolive soap.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
HAL SAWYER: Featured in tonight's cast were The Four Pipers, Sid Fields, Dorothy Granger, The Hollywood Stunt Crew, Morton Jones, Jack Lomas, and Bobby Bobber.
Abbott and Costello can now be seen in their new film, "Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd," co-starring Charles Laughton.
Be sure and tune in again next week at the same time when Ray Bolger will make his starring debut on the Colgate Comedy Hour, with his special guest, Rise Stevens.
Two weeks from tonight, your star will be Ben Blue.
This is Hal Sawyer saying good night for the Colgate Comedy Hour, which has been presented by the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company, makes of quality products since 1806! [APPLAUSE.]