The Colgate Comedy Hour (1950) s04e28 Episode Script
Bullonia
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: The Colgate Comedy Hour.
Starring Abbott.
With our guests Jane Russell, Rhonda Fleming, Connie Haines, Beryl Davis, Baby Mistin, Nestor Paiva, Benny Rubin, and Jim Hayward.
Presented by the Colgate-Palmolive Company, makers of Colgate Dental Cream.
New Colgate Dental Cream now contains Gardol.
Ajax, the foaming action cleanser.
Great new formula Fab, with more active dirt remover.
And 100% mild Palmolive Soap.
This is Bolomania, a little-known Latin country, where tonight we find Abbott and Costello.
One of Bolomania's most important industries is coffee.
This is how they raise coffee in Central America.
And here is how they raise coffee in South America.
But no other country raises coffee the way Bolomania does.
Yes, they're like us.
They can't afford coffee either.
The important industry in Bolomania is raising tobacco.
Here we see a tobacco stripper.
And in a rooming-house, where they over-rent because they are broke and out of a job, we find Fred Abbott and Lou Costello.
-Louis, you know, we've got to get a job down here in one of these nightclubs in order to pay the room rent here.
Otherwise, we'll be thrown on out.
Now, go wash your hands and get tidied up.
Go wash your hands.
Go ahead.
-We need a lot of money, don't we? -Well, go ahead.
-OK, I'll wash my hands.
-Wash your hands.
Now, we can't do the old baseball routine down here because they don't understand baseball.
You understand that? -No, they would stare at that, wouldn't they.
-They want something-- -Yeah, that'd be very funny.
Say, who's on una-- -Una.
-What's on dua.
-Dua.
[LAUGHS.]
-I don't know is on trea.
-Tres We can't do that.
But I'm working on something visual here, something that they can see, a site-seeing that they will actually-- well, don't-- don't dirty up the place, Lou.
Just wash your hands.
And hurry up, will you please? I want to wash up.
Now this-- this might do the trick-- oh, that's enough.
Come on.
Well, take your gloves off when you wash, please.
-Hey! I took them off.
-Oh, well don't wipe it on the towel.
Go ahead, throw the water out.
Now, Louis, I'm working on a trick here I think we can get away with.
Now this-- no no no no! Throw it someplace! Go get rid of it.
Get out of there.
Throw it out the window! Any place! -You got a window in this joint? -This here is the one thing we have to get used to-- the-- hurry up! Get rid of the water! I want to wash too.
Now, there's a way of doing this-- will you get rid of that water please? [INAUDIBLE.]
-I know, now throw it out the window please.
Now, look, Louis, I want you to help me out with this trick.
There's a new way of delivering it.
And this is something they can see in the nightclub-- where'd you throw that water? -In there.
-Where? -In there.
-Get that water out of that-- get it out of that drawer! -You want me to get the water out now? -Get that water out of there! -Got a sponge? -I-- never mind, I just want you getting that water off.
-What-- what -I got it out! -What are you perspiring about? -I'm not perspiring.
-You get all the water out? Get the rest of that water out of there! But do as you're told! -How come it didn't go up to you when you opened the-- -Never mind that.
Come on.
All set? Everything all right? -I need a [INAUDIBLE.]
-Now look, Louis.
Here's what we're going to do.
Now, we'll try it and go down to the corner here and get into that nightclub.
Now, you see here is a little bottle.
Here is an empty little vial.
And over here we have a glass.
And here we have a little silver cover that we place over the bottle like that.
I want to make things disappear.
-Ahh.
What should you do with the [INAUDIBLE.]
? -Now, never mind.
Now wait a minute.
Here.
Here's what we've got to do.
I'll take this silver cover and I replace it-- -Whoa whoa! This is what? -This is a silver cover.
-This is silver? -Yes.
-It don't feel like silver.
-Oh yes it is.
-Oh, that-- that feels like tin.
-Don't say tin.
I told you it was silver.
When I say silver, I know what I bought.
-I don't know what you bought, but you didn't get-- you didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-They gave you tin.
-Don't say tin! I don't like the word tin.
-Well, I know, after all, if you bought silver, you should get silver.
You shouldn't get that.
-I got silver.
-You didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-You got the other thing.
-What thing? -Tin.
-Don't say it.
I'm telling you-- -I won't say it any more.
-I spent my life savings on that.
I know what I got.
-Well, you didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-No, you didn't.
-Yes, I did.
-You didn't get silver.
-Now, don't say it, Louis.
-I ain't gonna say it.
-Well, be careful.
-I'll never say that other word.
-What word? -The word when I say it, you slap me in the face.
-What word is that? -You know the word.
I won't say it.
That other word when I say it and you go boom.
That other word.
-For instance? -I'm not gonna say it.
-You're not gonna say what? You're not gonna say what? -What's the matter-- you think I'm going to say tin? -Get that finger out of your mouth! Now, don't you mention tin to me again! -I'll never say that word.
-What word? -Silver.
-That's better.
-You thought I was gonna say silver, didn't you? You thought I was gonna say the other word? -What word? -Silver.
-Silver, yeah.
-I ain't gonna say it.
-All right, don't say it.
-I'm not gonna say that other word.
-All right, forget about it.
-This is-- you put the-- the silver cover over the-- over the bottle like that.
That's silver.
-Silver.
Now.
-[COUGHS.]
-Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-All right, all right, everything's all right.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-All right.
You should take care of your-- -[COUGHS TWICE.]
You should take care of your-- -[COUGHS TWICE.]
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-Now, now.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-Now, now.
What? What? -I said, [COUGHS TWICE.]
.
-What? -I feel like I got a cough.
I didn't say tin.
-[YELLING.]
-Don't say tin! Now we-- quiet! Now, we place it over the bottle like that.
Now, over here we place this silver-- -We place-- yeah, sure.
-So, over the little glass.
Now we say a few words of magic, such as hocus, pocus, alakazam! -Eeeee! -You see it go over? -I got the breeze.
-And over here, over here we now have the little glass, and over here we now have the bottle.
Now that could go good-- -Yeah, I suppose that's-- that's cute! Hey Abbott, can you make the bottle go back over there and the glass over there come back over here? -You mean to transfer the glass from over here, over there, and transfer the bottles from over there over there.
-Yeah, make the bottles [GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-Silver? -Silver.
-I'm not going to say that other word, hot or cold.
-No, I don't expect you to say it.
-No more.
-No, you're using [INAUDIBLE.]
now.
-Certainly.
-That's a boy.
-You think I'm a chump? -Oh, keep quiet please.
I'm doing the trick.
Now we place it over the bottle like that, and we come over here, and we place it over the little glass.
Hocus, pocus, alakazam! And over here we now have-- over here-- -[GIBBERISH.]
-And over here we now have the little glass, and over here, we now have the bottle.
So you see, friends, it's all done with a little silver cover.
That's why I don't like the habit of being accused of buying tin.
I don't like the cheap, very cheap article.
Don't-- don't mess with the trick now.
Now, do you understand that, Lou? -Hey, Abbott.
-You see, you take the cover and you place it over there, you say the few words of magic, and zowee it goes-- --[YELLING.]
Ooooh, a bottle, come over here! Come on over! Come on bottle! [WHISTLES.]
Come on, now! -You can't do that, Louis.
Now look, here's the idea of the trick.
--[YELLING.]
Will you come on over, bottle? Abbott, Abbott.
I know what's gonna happen.
-What? -Abbott, make a bottle over here.
-Oh, and just after doing it, I showed you-- -Make a bottle over here! -But I showed you how to do the trick, Louis! -Never mind this table, make a bottle over here! [GROANS LOUDLY.]
-All right, I'll do it once more.
But you watch it closely, because you've got to help me-- -Never mind this table, make the bottle over here! -Now, over here, we have a glass.
-That's all you're gonna find over there.
-Here we have a little glass, there we have a bottle.
You'll notice there's nothing in the little covers.
We just place it over the bottle like that-- -Yeah.
-And one's over the little glass.
-Yeah.
-Why don't we say a few words of magic? Hocus, pocus, alakazam! And here we have the glass! -Make a bottle over here.
-Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And over here, we now have-- -Abbott, put the tin thing back and see if you can find it.
I said tin and he couldn't even hear it.
-Oh, shut up.
And here we now have-- we now-- -[LAUGHS.]
-I have a little trick in cards here I'd like to-- -I don't care about your cards! Make a bottle over here! -And over here-- -Let's make it smart! -We now have the bottle.
-Oooh! -You got money for the rent? -For the rent? -No money.
The rooms use rent.
-Oh, now, now, now, now, now, now, I'll pay for the rent.
-No, if it's all right with you, Abbott, I insist.
Can I pay for the rent? -Oh, tush, tush, I'll pay for the rent.
-No, I insist I pay.
-Oh, pooh.
I'll pay for the rent.
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-I no care who pay! -Well, then you pay it! -I call the police! -Police ain't gonna pay it.
Hey, I bet there's some stuff in here! Hey! -Hey! -Look at this! -Hey! Let's get in behind the screen and put on that stuff.
-Come on.
-We could clean up for supper.
Come on, boy.
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
MAN'S VOICE: Well, make it snappy.
MAN'S VOICE: Move it out! MAN'S VOICE: Hold it! ABBOTT: Come on, boy! Come on, Louis! -Where's Abbott? Hey, Abbott! -Wait a minute! -Hey Abbott! Where's Abbott? Oh, hello, how are you? I'm all set.
-Are you all set? -Yeah.
-Ah, now, when the landlord comes-- look out.
-El Presidente! Presidente! Where is Abbott and Costello? -Uh, they're-- they're in the closet over there.
-There is nobody in the closet! -There is now! -Get in there.
-Lock the door.
-I got it locked.
-Where's the key? -Here's the key.
-Come on! -You got it? -I got it.
-Let's get outta here.
ANNOUNCER: In homes all over the country, mothers are asking themselves this question.
-How can I really know which toothpaste gives our family the best protection against tooth decay? -Well, I read in Reader's Digest, only one toothpaste, new Colgate Dental Cream, has clinical proof it actually reduces the formation of new cavities.
-Then there's only one toothpaste for this family-- new Colgate Dental Cream.
-Yes, Reader's Digest has reported the fact.
Reader's Digest reports the most effective anti-enzyme toothpaste ingredient tested is sodium and lauroyl sarcosinate, know as Gardol.
Reader's Digest explains, "This new Colgate discovery guards against tooth decay 12 hours and more after brushing.
In four year clinical tests, four out of five who used new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol just morning and night developed no new cavities whatever.
" Yes, as Reader's Digest reports, only one toothpaste, new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol has clinical proof it actually reduces the formation of new cavities.
So, for the sake of your children and yourself, be sure your toothpaste is new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol.
-Buenos noces, Senor.
Is there something I could do for you? -Uh, do you perchance have a message here for either Abbott or Costello? -Abbott and Costello? -Yes.
-One minute please.
-Please.
-Oh yes.
Here.
I have a cable gram for you.
-Thank you.
-Bad news, Senor? -No, this is great news.
Get a load of this.
"Dear boys, happy Easter! Wish you were here to see us on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
We hope you both are having as happy an Easter Sunday as we are.
" Signed, Connie Haines, Beryl Davis, Rhonda Fleming, and Jane Russell.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
--[SINGING.]
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
It is summertime in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me, in the wintertime it's summer in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me, in the wintertime, it's summer in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart, it is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me.
In the wintertime it's summer in my heart.
Give me oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp I pray.
Hallelujah! Give me oil in my lamp, keep me shining in the camp until the judgment day.
Give me oil- oil- oil- oil- oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp I pray.
Hallelujah! Give me oil in my lamp, keep me shining in the camp until the judgment day.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
Joy, joy, joy, joy in my heart to stay.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Honey, I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun.
I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun.
I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Jane? I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too.
I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too.
I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Rhonda? If you don't bear the cross, then you can't wear the crown.
If you don't bear the cross, then you can't wear the crown.
If you don't bear the cross, you can't wear the crown, way beyond the blue.
Belle? Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gates.
Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gate.
Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gates, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, up in heaven way beyond the blue.
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Yes, Palmolive.
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That's why no other leading soap or cold cream gets skin thoroughly clean as gently as Palmolive.
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That schoolgirl complexion look.
ANNOUNCER: Change to Palmolive, proved the mildest of all leading soaps.
Proved better for complexion care.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SINGING IN SPANISH.]
-Hey, it is El Presidente! [CHEERING.]
-Welcome, Your Excellency, Presidente.
-Hey, come here.
They think you're the President.
-They think I'm Ike? -No! You-- you must look like their president.
-I do? -Must be.
-Excellency, I have your favorite table reserved for you.
One moment.
Out, out out out! -What is this? -Excellency, what would you like me to bring you? Hey! Who are you to push El Presidente? -I beg your pardon.
You mean, nobody's allowed to push the Presidente? -Nobody.
-Is that right? -Nobody pushes El Presidente.
-You know that thing in the first scene that was tin? [INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-Don't hit the Presidente, you heard the man! -Do not hit El Presidente! [INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-Bow to me! -You're the Presidente, eh? -Yeah! [HEAD BONK.]
-Your Excellency! If you will be seated, I will bring your favorite food.
Please, be seated.
-Ah ah ah ah! You can't sit down 'till the Presidente sits down! -All right! -Ah ah ah ah! No hit El Presidente! -No hit El Presidente-- I'll kill him.
-No, no, no kill-- ah.
Here, here everything is especial for Your Excellency.
This dish I made myself especially for you.
Honor me by tasting it.
One bite.
[CRUNCHING NOISES.]
[RATTLING NOISE.]
[RATTLING NOISE.]
[TRUMPET FANFARE.]
-Announcing the arrival of His Excellency, El Presidente! -Who isa you? --[CHUCKLES.]
I no tell you whosa a who, until you tella me whosa who! -El Presidente! -I didn't even say tin! You no hit the Presidente! -You no hit the Presidente! -He slaps like you.
Just a minute.
You can't hit this Presidente.
Come here, shorty.
Make a fist, kid.
Put it right over there.
Here, make a fist.
Put it right over there.
Atta boy, shorty.
Hiya, shorty.
Right over there.
Are you ready, Abbott? Give me a push.
Get your hand up and keep 'em up or I'll let you have it.
Eh, I've got your color right from the-- -Wait a minute.
How do we know you're the Presidente? -Bartholome, one is El Presidente, one is imposter.
-And he's a poster over here.
-I know how to find out which is which.
Conchita! Conchita! Which one is El Presidente? -I can only tell by kissing.
The Presidente's kisses make my heart flip over.
[NOISE OF SPRING VIBRATING.]
My heart flip over.
And next.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
-Wow.
I flip all over! -Vive El Presidente! -Throw him out! -No, no, no, no! I have the solution.
-Solution? -My El Presidente is the best marksman in all Bolomania.
We will shoot it out.
-We'll shoot it out.
-Senor! Over there, there is two pistoles.
There! You go get it.
Now, if you are the best shot, you are El Presidente and we shoot him.
-That's so.
-If he's the best shot, he's El Presidente, and we shoot you.
What do you say, amigo? -Yes ma'am.
-What do you say, amigo? -Yes ma'am.
-Yes ma'am.
-Yes ma'am? -Yes sir.
-Yes sir? -He's gotta be one or the other.
-Just a minute, please.
Listen, you've got to face this thing-- face facts.
I want you to fight him like a bullfighter.
Walk up to him like a picador, fight him like a toreador, and duel him like a picador! -And they'll carry me out like a cuspidor! [YELLING.]
-Here! Pistola! -Senor! -Senor! Short one.
Short one.
-Must be me.
-Pistola.
-Pistolo.
I thank you, sir.
-Take first shot.
May I remind you-- -Bam! -The first shot to see will be cigarette out from the mouth.
El Presidente, por favor.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
-Give me a cigarette, will ya! -You want cigarette? -Give me a cigarette.
-Atta boy, you can out-shoot him.
-Come on, Abbott.
Get over here.
-Ah, certainly.
-What you worrying about? -Put it in your mouth.
-Ah! -Abbott, put it in your mouth, because your big mouth got me into this.
-Lou, we've been partners for years.
-What? I'm not gonna miss.
-Oh, all right.
-Put it in your mouth! -Take it easy, Louis.
-Look over there.
Atta boy.
-Take it easy, now.
I only want to show him I can knock your head over.
-What just happened? -I don't know what happened.
I wasn't even in the picture.
That's all I know.
Here we go! [GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
-Not yet! No, not yet! -Hey, wait a minute.
Louis.
Louis! You shot the cigarette out of my mouth! Congrat-- -Senor! We have a very deciding shot.
Now we shoot cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? -Cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? -El Presidente, por favor.
-Cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? [GUNSHOT.]
[CLOCK CHIMES.]
[CHEERING.]
-Cuckoo clack.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
[CLOCK CHIMES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
-How can one little boy get the tub so dirty? MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): Use Ajax.
-Ajax cleans your tub up to twice as easy, twice as fast.
-Try it! MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): Use Ajax, the foaming cleanser.
Cleans your tub just like a whiz.
MAN'S VOICE (SINGING): You'll stop paying the elbow tax when you start cleaning with Ajax.
-See? Ajax really does clean just like a whiz! -Yup! And leaves no gritty cleanser scum.
MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): So use Ajax, the foaming cleanser.
Floats the dirt right down the drain.
-My! It's sparkling clean! And so fresh! This Ajax is wonderful! MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): So use Ajax! -Mmmm! And it smells good, too! -That's right.
From now on, it's Foaming Action Ajax for me.
-Buy two cans! One for your kitchen, and one for the bathroom.
-Louis! Louis, we-- -We've got to do something to get out of this-- -We've got to get out of this country, Louis.
I'll tell you what you do.
You find out the first boat that leaves here.
I'll cable our agent in New York and try and get some money.
-You're going to get us out? -I'll get us out.
-You better.
-I'll get a hold of some money.
-OK.
-Tortillas! Enchiladas! Tortillas! -Tortilla? May I have a tortilla, please? -Oh, si.
-OK.
How do you make those things? -Well, you get this-- this one here, and you put it on here-- [SIZZLING NOISE.]
-I don't want any tortillas.
-Senor Costello! -Yeah? -Ouch! Oh! [SIZZLING NOISE.]
-You must leave at once.
Beware of a man with a scar on his face.
-Can I say something? Would you mind backing up a little bit? I don't want her to fall over the tortilla.
-Adios, amigo.
[NOISE OF SPRING VIBRATING.]
-Reminds me of Central Park.
How do you do? I don't know whether that's a cut or a mustache.
How do you do? -Hey! What is it with these daggers? -They're not giving me a manicure.
-Senor, I will explain.
Our Presidente's life is in danger.
There is a plot to dispose of him.
Your impersonation in the nightclub was so perfect I decided to forgive you, providing you take his place while my leader goes into hiding.
-Well, for how long? -Until someone assassinates you.
-Abbott, is that good? -That's bad.
They'll kill ya.
-That's no good, then.
I won't do it.
-Wait a minute, Louis.
You've always wanted to be the presidente-- -I mean, you think I don't have long life here after-- -How much money is there in it? -You will be very well paid.
-It's a deal.
-You shouldn't worry about money when my life is-- -The gentleman told me it's a deal, and it is a deal.
-All right.
-Tonight! This night you report to the official residencia, and do not try to escape.
-Nah.
-My men will be watching you.
Keep your eye on him! -Now do-- do as he told you.
It's a bargain.
We made a deal.
Now, you've got to go through with this, Lou.
You've got to, Louis.
I'm you pal.
I'm your buddy.
If you don't go through with it, think of the hole it'll put me in.
-If I go through with this thing, think of the hole they're gonna put me in! -Do as you're told! -Buenos noces, mis amigos.
Tonight we have for you a musical treat-- a young boy six years of old, Baby Mistin.
I want you to play very good tonight.
If you do, I will let you play at the Presidente's banquet.
-Don't worry.
I play good.
-Ladies, gentlemens, Baby Mistin will play from the [INAUDIBLE.]
.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Who says little girls keep cleaner than boys? Boys, little ones like this, or big ones like this, all make a business of getting clothes dirty.
I ask you, how can you get these really clean? ANNOUNCER: Lady, what you need is great, new formula Fab.
It penetrates even the dirtiest wash twice as fast, with more active dirt remover than any other leading product.
Yes, more active dirt remover for your daughter's dresses, more active dirt remover for Junior's play clothes, more active dirt remover for Dad's work clothes, more active dirt remover for everything you wash.
Fab has the greatest amount of active dirt remover, plus two of the world's most effective whitening ingredients.
Only Fab washes your family's clothes so clean and white so fast.
No blowing, no bleaching, except for stubborn stains.
Yet, Fab is now milder to hands than even leading floating soaps.
So, get great new formula Fab to really get the dirt out of your wash, because Fab gives you more active dirt remover than any other leading product.
-Mr.
Presidente, we have arranged for Lou Costello to act as your double.
He will replace you at all dangerous functions, and if the opposition party exterminates him, well, he is expendable.
-Good! -Announcing Senor Lou Costello.
-Senor Costello, I want to thank you very much for taking our Presidente's place.
And, if anything should happen to you, you in trouble, you just whistle.
-Yes sir.
-And listen-- do not trust the butler.
-No trust the butler.
-No.
-OK.
-Turn around! -Well, congratulations.
-Now I'm the Presidente.
-You are the Presidente, yeah.
Hang up my hat.
-Oh, no, I'm the Presidente.
I don't have to hang up your hat.
-Now look-- -You're supposed to hang up my hat.
-You're not the Presidente to me.
Hang up my hat! -OK! -Well, take it easy.
Hang it up! Hey, quite a palace the ol' Presidente has here-- -Hey! So, come here! Come here, everybody! Come here! Look at that, Abbott! Hey! Hey you! -Who was that? -He was El Presidente's double this morning.
-He didn't last long, did he? -They never do.
-They never do, huh? Oh my.
Hey.
-Something you wanted to say? -Yeah, because I mean, after all-- why, yes, I'd like to say something.
One word.
Help! -You said the secret word! You win $100.
Look.
Can you imagine? -Up, duck! -Up, duck! -Up, duck! -Hang up my hat! -Here it goes again.
Hang up my hat! -Hang up my hat! -It's all I can do is, hang up my hat! Wallpaper brought out.
Here.
This'll take care of that.
-Now, don't worry.
I've got all the entrances and the exits guarded.
-Everything is guarded? -Guards everywhere, and all the windows are shatterproof.
-The windows too? -Don't worry about it, Louis! -OK.
I want to see if everything over here-- [GUNSHOTS.]
-Catapults, huh? -It's shatterproof, Louis, believe me! -Well, what do you think this is, moth holes? -I don't know.
-You have your salad now, sirs? -I'm scared of everybody in here.
-Oh, go ahead, take it.
I'll eat over here.
-Hey, your name.
-Borgia.
-Victor Borgia? -No, my family goes back to Lucretia Borgia.
We are not pianists.
We are poisoners.
-You try that first, brother.
-Certainly.
-All right.
Lucretia Borgia.
COSTELLO (VOICEOVER): Oh my.
I'd like to know what's going on here.
-Dinner's served.
Walk this way.
-Sit down, Presidente! Ah, this is class, eh? -Whoa.
-Whoa.
-Some class.
-I'll say.
-Over the pants.
-Soup! You like soup? -I'm crazy about it.
Soup.
-Hey, just a minute.
Try that, please.
-I don't mind.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Enjoy it while you may.
-Well, I don't get this whole situation, brother, believe me.
-Did you see anything fly by? -Nah, nah.
Eat your soup, Louis.
-There must be a centipede around here or something.
-Why? What's wrong? -I saw a hand coming up here.
-Up where? -Up here! I saw a hand coming up here.
-Through the table? -Yeah! -That's a solid table, boy! -It is? -Look at it.
Here.
Look at that.
Solid.
How could a-- how could a hand come up through there? -It's a solid table.
-Certainly.
-Well, what do you know.
-Now eat your soup.
-Well, I didn't know it was a solid table.
I mean, after all-- [CRYING.]
-I like it! -You like the soup, huh? -Good soup.
Louis, Louis, Louis.
You're not supposed to stick your head in it! Mind your manners! You're supposed to be a Presidente! Be nice.
Can't you eat your soup quietly? -Your wine is served.
-Hey.
I know that there's something wrong here.
-Why? -Definitely there's something wrong here.
-What makes you think that? -I don't know, Abbott.
It's just every once in a while I swear I see a hand coming up.
-Oh, you imagine those things.
If you'll just eat your-- what's wrong now? -I'm not going to eat this soup.
-Well, throw it in the flowers.
What are you doing that for? That calls for a drink.
-Let's have a drink.
-I've got to have a glass of wine.
-Hey, Abbott, can I have a glass of water? Gimme some water, please.
-Drink some wine! -I don't want no wine, I just want water.
Just give me some water, huh? Hey Abbott, how did you get the water out of the wine pitcher? -Well, what do you want? Make up your mind! This is what I wanted-- water-- but how come you got it out of the-- -You wanted water.
I don't know.
-You put out wine, and you put out water! -Everything is crazy around here for some unknown reason.
I don't know.
-Well, I would like to have a little wine now.
-You want wine? -Yes.
-Why don't you talk up and say so? Hey.
-What? There's something wrong around here, boy.
I'm going out and check on all this.
You sit here.
And don't worry about a thing.
I'll be watching ya.
I'm going to get help.
-OK.
-I'll bring your dessert, sir.
-You gonna bring the dessert? -Yes, sir.
-OK.
If my brother George was only here-- [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS.]
-Dessert, sir.
-Well, isn't it beautiful! Nice dessert, huh? Well, thank you, sir.
I'm going to have some of this dessert.
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may die.
[COSTELLO SINGS.]
[BOMB TICKS.]
-Hey! Hey Abbott! Hey Abbott! This is a bomb, Abbott! -Louis! Where are ya, Louis? -I'm about to fall, Abbott! ANNOUNCER: Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
ANNOUNCER: Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair, presents the lovely recording star, June Valli.
JUNE VALLI (SINGING): Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
So Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo, girls.
-Gee, Ms.
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-Mine, too.
-I can see that.
Your hair has a far brighter sparkle after a Halo shampoo, doesn't it? You know, that's because of Halo's special glorifying ingredient.
-And Halo is so mild, I can use it every day.
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And it's just amazing the way my set lasts and lasts after a Halo shampoo, and without special rinses.
So get Halo shampoo.
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So Halo, shampoo, Halo.
ANNOUNCER: For brighter sparkle, springier curls, and longer lasting sets, get Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
-Thanks a million, friends.
-You know, we just wanted to take you to a trip through Bolomania.
-Bolomania, yes.
-It's a South American-- -How does it feel being the president of Bolomania, Lou? They presented you with a lot of metals, is that? -Oh, you-- you like those medals, Abbott? -Yeah! They must've thought something of you down there.
-Here's a beautiful medal.
Here's it clipped over here.
-What they give you this one for? -This bridge-- they've got a big bridge over there.
-A big bridge? -Yeah.
They call it the mo-- mola-- mol-- Bolomania Bridge.
-Bolomania Bridge.
-The Bolomania Bridge.
-Well, what'd they give you that medal for? -They gave me that meda for jumping off the bridge.
-Well, that's wonderful.
-Get a load of this one.
-What'd they give you that one for? -For jumping back.
I mean, after all-- -Now, you've made a fool of yourself enough tonight in Bolomania-- -How do you like this little medal? -What is that for? -Saving a girl.
-You did save a girl? -Yup.
-Well, that's wonderful.
-I had a date with two of them, so I saved one for tonight.
All I want to say is to everybody here, ladies and gentlemen, that-- -You've been a marvelous audience.
-A great-- oh, hey, Abbott.
First of all, I want to say about this here Fort Worth.
You know, next week-- next week, ladies and gentlemen, Colgate is really going out on a limb.
-Yes.
-They're going to Fort Worth, Texas.
Isn't that right? Fort Worth, Texas? -Yes, the Ice Capades.
-They're gonna have the Ice Capades.
You know, the girls on skates? And some of those girls are just beautiful.
They keep so nice.
Well, you got to be when you're on ice.
-Well, all right.
The Ice Capades next week.
-In Fort Worth, Texas.
-From Fort Worth, Texas.
-From Fort Worth, Texas.
Next week, the Ice Capades.
And ladies and gentlemen, they've got some great stars-- Donna Atwood-- and all of the greatest stars that they have in the ice business today.
So we want to see this show.
Good night, everybody.
-Good night, everybody.
ANNOUNCER: Featured in tonight's cast were Vic Parts, Frank Richards, Mike Ross, Jack Shay, Ken Mayer, Donna Kay, and Bobby Boburn.
The four girl's dresses by Della Rustle.
Abbott and Costello appear through the courtesy of Universal International Pictures, producers of Creature from the Black Lagoon.
The Colgate Palmolive Company invite you to watch Strike it Rich every Wednesday night.
Next week, we bring you a truly great spectacle.
We present the Ice Capades, with over 100 people on ice.
There will be comedy, spectacle, greatest skating, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, starring Donna Atwood with Bobby Specht, and a very special guest, that Hoosier humorist, Herb Shriner.
Don't miss this great hour's entertainment.
Two weeks from tonight your stars will be Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Three weeks from tonight the Colgate Comedy Hour will star Jimmy Durante, with his special guest Shelley Winters.
And four weeks from tonight, your star will be Eddie Cantor, with his guests Milton Berle, Eddie Fisher, and Connie Russell.
In planning your future, make United States savings bonds part of your program.
It's the ideal way of saving, because savings bonds are guaranteed by Uncle Sam.
Invest in United States savings bonds through payroll savings.
And now, this is Hal Sawyer saying good night for the Colgate Comedy Hour, which has been presented by the Colgate Palmolive Company, makers of quality products since 1806.
ANNOUNCER: The Colgate Comedy Hour.
Starring Abbott.
With our guests Jane Russell, Rhonda Fleming, Connie Haines, Beryl Davis, Baby Mistin, Nestor Paiva, Benny Rubin, and Jim Hayward.
Presented by the Colgate-Palmolive Company, makers of Colgate Dental Cream.
New Colgate Dental Cream now contains Gardol.
Ajax, the foaming action cleanser.
Great new formula Fab, with more active dirt remover.
And 100% mild Palmolive Soap.
This is Bolomania, a little-known Latin country, where tonight we find Abbott and Costello.
One of Bolomania's most important industries is coffee.
This is how they raise coffee in Central America.
And here is how they raise coffee in South America.
But no other country raises coffee the way Bolomania does.
Yes, they're like us.
They can't afford coffee either.
The important industry in Bolomania is raising tobacco.
Here we see a tobacco stripper.
And in a rooming-house, where they over-rent because they are broke and out of a job, we find Fred Abbott and Lou Costello.
-Louis, you know, we've got to get a job down here in one of these nightclubs in order to pay the room rent here.
Otherwise, we'll be thrown on out.
Now, go wash your hands and get tidied up.
Go wash your hands.
Go ahead.
-We need a lot of money, don't we? -Well, go ahead.
-OK, I'll wash my hands.
-Wash your hands.
Now, we can't do the old baseball routine down here because they don't understand baseball.
You understand that? -No, they would stare at that, wouldn't they.
-They want something-- -Yeah, that'd be very funny.
Say, who's on una-- -Una.
-What's on dua.
-Dua.
[LAUGHS.]
-I don't know is on trea.
-Tres We can't do that.
But I'm working on something visual here, something that they can see, a site-seeing that they will actually-- well, don't-- don't dirty up the place, Lou.
Just wash your hands.
And hurry up, will you please? I want to wash up.
Now this-- this might do the trick-- oh, that's enough.
Come on.
Well, take your gloves off when you wash, please.
-Hey! I took them off.
-Oh, well don't wipe it on the towel.
Go ahead, throw the water out.
Now, Louis, I'm working on a trick here I think we can get away with.
Now this-- no no no no! Throw it someplace! Go get rid of it.
Get out of there.
Throw it out the window! Any place! -You got a window in this joint? -This here is the one thing we have to get used to-- the-- hurry up! Get rid of the water! I want to wash too.
Now, there's a way of doing this-- will you get rid of that water please? [INAUDIBLE.]
-I know, now throw it out the window please.
Now, look, Louis, I want you to help me out with this trick.
There's a new way of delivering it.
And this is something they can see in the nightclub-- where'd you throw that water? -In there.
-Where? -In there.
-Get that water out of that-- get it out of that drawer! -You want me to get the water out now? -Get that water out of there! -Got a sponge? -I-- never mind, I just want you getting that water off.
-What-- what -I got it out! -What are you perspiring about? -I'm not perspiring.
-You get all the water out? Get the rest of that water out of there! But do as you're told! -How come it didn't go up to you when you opened the-- -Never mind that.
Come on.
All set? Everything all right? -I need a [INAUDIBLE.]
-Now look, Louis.
Here's what we're going to do.
Now, we'll try it and go down to the corner here and get into that nightclub.
Now, you see here is a little bottle.
Here is an empty little vial.
And over here we have a glass.
And here we have a little silver cover that we place over the bottle like that.
I want to make things disappear.
-Ahh.
What should you do with the [INAUDIBLE.]
? -Now, never mind.
Now wait a minute.
Here.
Here's what we've got to do.
I'll take this silver cover and I replace it-- -Whoa whoa! This is what? -This is a silver cover.
-This is silver? -Yes.
-It don't feel like silver.
-Oh yes it is.
-Oh, that-- that feels like tin.
-Don't say tin.
I told you it was silver.
When I say silver, I know what I bought.
-I don't know what you bought, but you didn't get-- you didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-They gave you tin.
-Don't say tin! I don't like the word tin.
-Well, I know, after all, if you bought silver, you should get silver.
You shouldn't get that.
-I got silver.
-You didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-You got the other thing.
-What thing? -Tin.
-Don't say it.
I'm telling you-- -I won't say it any more.
-I spent my life savings on that.
I know what I got.
-Well, you didn't get silver.
-I got silver.
-No, you didn't.
-Yes, I did.
-You didn't get silver.
-Now, don't say it, Louis.
-I ain't gonna say it.
-Well, be careful.
-I'll never say that other word.
-What word? -The word when I say it, you slap me in the face.
-What word is that? -You know the word.
I won't say it.
That other word when I say it and you go boom.
That other word.
-For instance? -I'm not gonna say it.
-You're not gonna say what? You're not gonna say what? -What's the matter-- you think I'm going to say tin? -Get that finger out of your mouth! Now, don't you mention tin to me again! -I'll never say that word.
-What word? -Silver.
-That's better.
-You thought I was gonna say silver, didn't you? You thought I was gonna say the other word? -What word? -Silver.
-Silver, yeah.
-I ain't gonna say it.
-All right, don't say it.
-I'm not gonna say that other word.
-All right, forget about it.
-This is-- you put the-- the silver cover over the-- over the bottle like that.
That's silver.
-Silver.
Now.
-[COUGHS.]
-Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-All right, all right, everything's all right.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-All right.
You should take care of your-- -[COUGHS TWICE.]
You should take care of your-- -[COUGHS TWICE.]
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-Now, now.
-[COUGHS TWICE.]
-Now, now.
What? What? -I said, [COUGHS TWICE.]
.
-What? -I feel like I got a cough.
I didn't say tin.
-[YELLING.]
-Don't say tin! Now we-- quiet! Now, we place it over the bottle like that.
Now, over here we place this silver-- -We place-- yeah, sure.
-So, over the little glass.
Now we say a few words of magic, such as hocus, pocus, alakazam! -Eeeee! -You see it go over? -I got the breeze.
-And over here, over here we now have the little glass, and over here we now have the bottle.
Now that could go good-- -Yeah, I suppose that's-- that's cute! Hey Abbott, can you make the bottle go back over there and the glass over there come back over here? -You mean to transfer the glass from over here, over there, and transfer the bottles from over there over there.
-Yeah, make the bottles [GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-[GIBBERISH.]
-Silver? -Silver.
-I'm not going to say that other word, hot or cold.
-No, I don't expect you to say it.
-No more.
-No, you're using [INAUDIBLE.]
now.
-Certainly.
-That's a boy.
-You think I'm a chump? -Oh, keep quiet please.
I'm doing the trick.
Now we place it over the bottle like that, and we come over here, and we place it over the little glass.
Hocus, pocus, alakazam! And over here we now have-- over here-- -[GIBBERISH.]
-And over here we now have the little glass, and over here, we now have the bottle.
So you see, friends, it's all done with a little silver cover.
That's why I don't like the habit of being accused of buying tin.
I don't like the cheap, very cheap article.
Don't-- don't mess with the trick now.
Now, do you understand that, Lou? -Hey, Abbott.
-You see, you take the cover and you place it over there, you say the few words of magic, and zowee it goes-- --[YELLING.]
Ooooh, a bottle, come over here! Come on over! Come on bottle! [WHISTLES.]
Come on, now! -You can't do that, Louis.
Now look, here's the idea of the trick.
--[YELLING.]
Will you come on over, bottle? Abbott, Abbott.
I know what's gonna happen.
-What? -Abbott, make a bottle over here.
-Oh, and just after doing it, I showed you-- -Make a bottle over here! -But I showed you how to do the trick, Louis! -Never mind this table, make a bottle over here! [GROANS LOUDLY.]
-All right, I'll do it once more.
But you watch it closely, because you've got to help me-- -Never mind this table, make the bottle over here! -Now, over here, we have a glass.
-That's all you're gonna find over there.
-Here we have a little glass, there we have a bottle.
You'll notice there's nothing in the little covers.
We just place it over the bottle like that-- -Yeah.
-And one's over the little glass.
-Yeah.
-Why don't we say a few words of magic? Hocus, pocus, alakazam! And here we have the glass! -Make a bottle over here.
-Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And over here, we now have-- -Abbott, put the tin thing back and see if you can find it.
I said tin and he couldn't even hear it.
-Oh, shut up.
And here we now have-- we now-- -[LAUGHS.]
-I have a little trick in cards here I'd like to-- -I don't care about your cards! Make a bottle over here! -And over here-- -Let's make it smart! -We now have the bottle.
-Oooh! -You got money for the rent? -For the rent? -No money.
The rooms use rent.
-Oh, now, now, now, now, now, now, I'll pay for the rent.
-No, if it's all right with you, Abbott, I insist.
Can I pay for the rent? -Oh, tush, tush, I'll pay for the rent.
-No, I insist I pay.
-Oh, pooh.
I'll pay for the rent.
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-I no care who pay! -Well, then you pay it! -I call the police! -Police ain't gonna pay it.
Hey, I bet there's some stuff in here! Hey! -Hey! -Look at this! -Hey! Let's get in behind the screen and put on that stuff.
-Come on.
-We could clean up for supper.
Come on, boy.
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
MAN'S VOICE: Well, make it snappy.
MAN'S VOICE: Move it out! MAN'S VOICE: Hold it! ABBOTT: Come on, boy! Come on, Louis! -Where's Abbott? Hey, Abbott! -Wait a minute! -Hey Abbott! Where's Abbott? Oh, hello, how are you? I'm all set.
-Are you all set? -Yeah.
-Ah, now, when the landlord comes-- look out.
-El Presidente! Presidente! Where is Abbott and Costello? -Uh, they're-- they're in the closet over there.
-There is nobody in the closet! -There is now! -Get in there.
-Lock the door.
-I got it locked.
-Where's the key? -Here's the key.
-Come on! -You got it? -I got it.
-Let's get outta here.
ANNOUNCER: In homes all over the country, mothers are asking themselves this question.
-How can I really know which toothpaste gives our family the best protection against tooth decay? -Well, I read in Reader's Digest, only one toothpaste, new Colgate Dental Cream, has clinical proof it actually reduces the formation of new cavities.
-Then there's only one toothpaste for this family-- new Colgate Dental Cream.
-Yes, Reader's Digest has reported the fact.
Reader's Digest reports the most effective anti-enzyme toothpaste ingredient tested is sodium and lauroyl sarcosinate, know as Gardol.
Reader's Digest explains, "This new Colgate discovery guards against tooth decay 12 hours and more after brushing.
In four year clinical tests, four out of five who used new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol just morning and night developed no new cavities whatever.
" Yes, as Reader's Digest reports, only one toothpaste, new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol has clinical proof it actually reduces the formation of new cavities.
So, for the sake of your children and yourself, be sure your toothpaste is new Colgate Dental Cream with Gardol.
-Buenos noces, Senor.
Is there something I could do for you? -Uh, do you perchance have a message here for either Abbott or Costello? -Abbott and Costello? -Yes.
-One minute please.
-Please.
-Oh yes.
Here.
I have a cable gram for you.
-Thank you.
-Bad news, Senor? -No, this is great news.
Get a load of this.
"Dear boys, happy Easter! Wish you were here to see us on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
We hope you both are having as happy an Easter Sunday as we are.
" Signed, Connie Haines, Beryl Davis, Rhonda Fleming, and Jane Russell.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
--[SINGING.]
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
It is summertime in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me, in the wintertime it's summer in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me, in the wintertime, it's summer in my heart.
It is summertime in my heart, it is summertime in my heart.
'Cuz Jesus saved me, new life he gave me.
In the wintertime it's summer in my heart.
Give me oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp I pray.
Hallelujah! Give me oil in my lamp, keep me shining in the camp until the judgment day.
Give me oil- oil- oil- oil- oil in my lamp, oil in my lamp I pray.
Hallelujah! Give me oil in my lamp, keep me shining in the camp until the judgment day.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.
Joy, joy, joy, joy in my heart to stay.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Honey, I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun.
I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun.
I got a home in Gloryland that'll outshine the sun, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Jane? I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too.
I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too.
I took Jesus for my savior, you take him too, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, way beyond the blue.
Rhonda? If you don't bear the cross, then you can't wear the crown.
If you don't bear the cross, then you can't wear the crown.
If you don't bear the cross, you can't wear the crown, way beyond the blue.
Belle? Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gates.
Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gate.
Now I'm going up to Glory, open the gates, way beyond the blue.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me.
Oh Lordy, do Lord, oh do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, oh do Lord, oh do remember me, up in heaven way beyond the blue.
ANNOUNCER: Now, one soap is proved the mildest soap of all, milder than any other leading soap.
One soap is proved better for complexion care.
Better for complexion care.
That soap is Palmolive.
Yes, Palmolive.
Here's what a group of leading doctors and skin specialists report.
9,500 skin tests on women of all ages and skin types proved Palmolive is the mildest of all leading soaps, far milder than any other leading beauty soap, floating soap, deodorant soap, castile soap, even milder than costly cold creams.
That's why Palmolive Soap is better for complexion care.
-Beauty tested by the skin specialists.
You yourself know that milder cleansing is better for your complexion.
Palmolive agrees with your skin better because it's the mildest soap of all.
That's why no other leading soap or cold cream gets skin thoroughly clean as gently as Palmolive.
See how proper care with 100% mild Palmolive brings you softer, smoother skin.
That schoolgirl complexion look.
ANNOUNCER: Change to Palmolive, proved the mildest of all leading soaps.
Proved better for complexion care.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SINGING IN SPANISH.]
-Hey, it is El Presidente! [CHEERING.]
-Welcome, Your Excellency, Presidente.
-Hey, come here.
They think you're the President.
-They think I'm Ike? -No! You-- you must look like their president.
-I do? -Must be.
-Excellency, I have your favorite table reserved for you.
One moment.
Out, out out out! -What is this? -Excellency, what would you like me to bring you? Hey! Who are you to push El Presidente? -I beg your pardon.
You mean, nobody's allowed to push the Presidente? -Nobody.
-Is that right? -Nobody pushes El Presidente.
-You know that thing in the first scene that was tin? [INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-Don't hit the Presidente, you heard the man! -Do not hit El Presidente! [INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-Bow to me! -You're the Presidente, eh? -Yeah! [HEAD BONK.]
-Your Excellency! If you will be seated, I will bring your favorite food.
Please, be seated.
-Ah ah ah ah! You can't sit down 'till the Presidente sits down! -All right! -Ah ah ah ah! No hit El Presidente! -No hit El Presidente-- I'll kill him.
-No, no, no kill-- ah.
Here, here everything is especial for Your Excellency.
This dish I made myself especially for you.
Honor me by tasting it.
One bite.
[CRUNCHING NOISES.]
[RATTLING NOISE.]
[RATTLING NOISE.]
[TRUMPET FANFARE.]
-Announcing the arrival of His Excellency, El Presidente! -Who isa you? --[CHUCKLES.]
I no tell you whosa a who, until you tella me whosa who! -El Presidente! -I didn't even say tin! You no hit the Presidente! -You no hit the Presidente! -He slaps like you.
Just a minute.
You can't hit this Presidente.
Come here, shorty.
Make a fist, kid.
Put it right over there.
Here, make a fist.
Put it right over there.
Atta boy, shorty.
Hiya, shorty.
Right over there.
Are you ready, Abbott? Give me a push.
Get your hand up and keep 'em up or I'll let you have it.
Eh, I've got your color right from the-- -Wait a minute.
How do we know you're the Presidente? -Bartholome, one is El Presidente, one is imposter.
-And he's a poster over here.
-I know how to find out which is which.
Conchita! Conchita! Which one is El Presidente? -I can only tell by kissing.
The Presidente's kisses make my heart flip over.
[NOISE OF SPRING VIBRATING.]
My heart flip over.
And next.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
-Wow.
I flip all over! -Vive El Presidente! -Throw him out! -No, no, no, no! I have the solution.
-Solution? -My El Presidente is the best marksman in all Bolomania.
We will shoot it out.
-We'll shoot it out.
-Senor! Over there, there is two pistoles.
There! You go get it.
Now, if you are the best shot, you are El Presidente and we shoot him.
-That's so.
-If he's the best shot, he's El Presidente, and we shoot you.
What do you say, amigo? -Yes ma'am.
-What do you say, amigo? -Yes ma'am.
-Yes ma'am.
-Yes ma'am? -Yes sir.
-Yes sir? -He's gotta be one or the other.
-Just a minute, please.
Listen, you've got to face this thing-- face facts.
I want you to fight him like a bullfighter.
Walk up to him like a picador, fight him like a toreador, and duel him like a picador! -And they'll carry me out like a cuspidor! [YELLING.]
-Here! Pistola! -Senor! -Senor! Short one.
Short one.
-Must be me.
-Pistola.
-Pistolo.
I thank you, sir.
-Take first shot.
May I remind you-- -Bam! -The first shot to see will be cigarette out from the mouth.
El Presidente, por favor.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
-Give me a cigarette, will ya! -You want cigarette? -Give me a cigarette.
-Atta boy, you can out-shoot him.
-Come on, Abbott.
Get over here.
-Ah, certainly.
-What you worrying about? -Put it in your mouth.
-Ah! -Abbott, put it in your mouth, because your big mouth got me into this.
-Lou, we've been partners for years.
-What? I'm not gonna miss.
-Oh, all right.
-Put it in your mouth! -Take it easy, Louis.
-Look over there.
Atta boy.
-Take it easy, now.
I only want to show him I can knock your head over.
-What just happened? -I don't know what happened.
I wasn't even in the picture.
That's all I know.
Here we go! [GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
-Not yet! No, not yet! -Hey, wait a minute.
Louis.
Louis! You shot the cigarette out of my mouth! Congrat-- -Senor! We have a very deciding shot.
Now we shoot cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? -Cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? -El Presidente, por favor.
-Cuckoo clock.
-Cuckoo clack? [GUNSHOT.]
[CLOCK CHIMES.]
[CHEERING.]
-Cuckoo clack.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CHEERING.]
[CLOCK CHIMES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
-How can one little boy get the tub so dirty? MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): Use Ajax.
-Ajax cleans your tub up to twice as easy, twice as fast.
-Try it! MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): Use Ajax, the foaming cleanser.
Cleans your tub just like a whiz.
MAN'S VOICE (SINGING): You'll stop paying the elbow tax when you start cleaning with Ajax.
-See? Ajax really does clean just like a whiz! -Yup! And leaves no gritty cleanser scum.
MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): So use Ajax, the foaming cleanser.
Floats the dirt right down the drain.
-My! It's sparkling clean! And so fresh! This Ajax is wonderful! MEN'S VOICES (SINGING): So use Ajax! -Mmmm! And it smells good, too! -That's right.
From now on, it's Foaming Action Ajax for me.
-Buy two cans! One for your kitchen, and one for the bathroom.
-Louis! Louis, we-- -We've got to do something to get out of this-- -We've got to get out of this country, Louis.
I'll tell you what you do.
You find out the first boat that leaves here.
I'll cable our agent in New York and try and get some money.
-You're going to get us out? -I'll get us out.
-You better.
-I'll get a hold of some money.
-OK.
-Tortillas! Enchiladas! Tortillas! -Tortilla? May I have a tortilla, please? -Oh, si.
-OK.
How do you make those things? -Well, you get this-- this one here, and you put it on here-- [SIZZLING NOISE.]
-I don't want any tortillas.
-Senor Costello! -Yeah? -Ouch! Oh! [SIZZLING NOISE.]
-You must leave at once.
Beware of a man with a scar on his face.
-Can I say something? Would you mind backing up a little bit? I don't want her to fall over the tortilla.
-Adios, amigo.
[NOISE OF SPRING VIBRATING.]
-Reminds me of Central Park.
How do you do? I don't know whether that's a cut or a mustache.
How do you do? -Hey! What is it with these daggers? -They're not giving me a manicure.
-Senor, I will explain.
Our Presidente's life is in danger.
There is a plot to dispose of him.
Your impersonation in the nightclub was so perfect I decided to forgive you, providing you take his place while my leader goes into hiding.
-Well, for how long? -Until someone assassinates you.
-Abbott, is that good? -That's bad.
They'll kill ya.
-That's no good, then.
I won't do it.
-Wait a minute, Louis.
You've always wanted to be the presidente-- -I mean, you think I don't have long life here after-- -How much money is there in it? -You will be very well paid.
-It's a deal.
-You shouldn't worry about money when my life is-- -The gentleman told me it's a deal, and it is a deal.
-All right.
-Tonight! This night you report to the official residencia, and do not try to escape.
-Nah.
-My men will be watching you.
Keep your eye on him! -Now do-- do as he told you.
It's a bargain.
We made a deal.
Now, you've got to go through with this, Lou.
You've got to, Louis.
I'm you pal.
I'm your buddy.
If you don't go through with it, think of the hole it'll put me in.
-If I go through with this thing, think of the hole they're gonna put me in! -Do as you're told! -Buenos noces, mis amigos.
Tonight we have for you a musical treat-- a young boy six years of old, Baby Mistin.
I want you to play very good tonight.
If you do, I will let you play at the Presidente's banquet.
-Don't worry.
I play good.
-Ladies, gentlemens, Baby Mistin will play from the [INAUDIBLE.]
.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Who says little girls keep cleaner than boys? Boys, little ones like this, or big ones like this, all make a business of getting clothes dirty.
I ask you, how can you get these really clean? ANNOUNCER: Lady, what you need is great, new formula Fab.
It penetrates even the dirtiest wash twice as fast, with more active dirt remover than any other leading product.
Yes, more active dirt remover for your daughter's dresses, more active dirt remover for Junior's play clothes, more active dirt remover for Dad's work clothes, more active dirt remover for everything you wash.
Fab has the greatest amount of active dirt remover, plus two of the world's most effective whitening ingredients.
Only Fab washes your family's clothes so clean and white so fast.
No blowing, no bleaching, except for stubborn stains.
Yet, Fab is now milder to hands than even leading floating soaps.
So, get great new formula Fab to really get the dirt out of your wash, because Fab gives you more active dirt remover than any other leading product.
-Mr.
Presidente, we have arranged for Lou Costello to act as your double.
He will replace you at all dangerous functions, and if the opposition party exterminates him, well, he is expendable.
-Good! -Announcing Senor Lou Costello.
-Senor Costello, I want to thank you very much for taking our Presidente's place.
And, if anything should happen to you, you in trouble, you just whistle.
-Yes sir.
-And listen-- do not trust the butler.
-No trust the butler.
-No.
-OK.
-Turn around! -Well, congratulations.
-Now I'm the Presidente.
-You are the Presidente, yeah.
Hang up my hat.
-Oh, no, I'm the Presidente.
I don't have to hang up your hat.
-Now look-- -You're supposed to hang up my hat.
-You're not the Presidente to me.
Hang up my hat! -OK! -Well, take it easy.
Hang it up! Hey, quite a palace the ol' Presidente has here-- -Hey! So, come here! Come here, everybody! Come here! Look at that, Abbott! Hey! Hey you! -Who was that? -He was El Presidente's double this morning.
-He didn't last long, did he? -They never do.
-They never do, huh? Oh my.
Hey.
-Something you wanted to say? -Yeah, because I mean, after all-- why, yes, I'd like to say something.
One word.
Help! -You said the secret word! You win $100.
Look.
Can you imagine? -Up, duck! -Up, duck! -Up, duck! -Hang up my hat! -Here it goes again.
Hang up my hat! -Hang up my hat! -It's all I can do is, hang up my hat! Wallpaper brought out.
Here.
This'll take care of that.
-Now, don't worry.
I've got all the entrances and the exits guarded.
-Everything is guarded? -Guards everywhere, and all the windows are shatterproof.
-The windows too? -Don't worry about it, Louis! -OK.
I want to see if everything over here-- [GUNSHOTS.]
-Catapults, huh? -It's shatterproof, Louis, believe me! -Well, what do you think this is, moth holes? -I don't know.
-You have your salad now, sirs? -I'm scared of everybody in here.
-Oh, go ahead, take it.
I'll eat over here.
-Hey, your name.
-Borgia.
-Victor Borgia? -No, my family goes back to Lucretia Borgia.
We are not pianists.
We are poisoners.
-You try that first, brother.
-Certainly.
-All right.
Lucretia Borgia.
COSTELLO (VOICEOVER): Oh my.
I'd like to know what's going on here.
-Dinner's served.
Walk this way.
-Sit down, Presidente! Ah, this is class, eh? -Whoa.
-Whoa.
-Some class.
-I'll say.
-Over the pants.
-Soup! You like soup? -I'm crazy about it.
Soup.
-Hey, just a minute.
Try that, please.
-I don't mind.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Enjoy it while you may.
-Well, I don't get this whole situation, brother, believe me.
-Did you see anything fly by? -Nah, nah.
Eat your soup, Louis.
-There must be a centipede around here or something.
-Why? What's wrong? -I saw a hand coming up here.
-Up where? -Up here! I saw a hand coming up here.
-Through the table? -Yeah! -That's a solid table, boy! -It is? -Look at it.
Here.
Look at that.
Solid.
How could a-- how could a hand come up through there? -It's a solid table.
-Certainly.
-Well, what do you know.
-Now eat your soup.
-Well, I didn't know it was a solid table.
I mean, after all-- [CRYING.]
-I like it! -You like the soup, huh? -Good soup.
Louis, Louis, Louis.
You're not supposed to stick your head in it! Mind your manners! You're supposed to be a Presidente! Be nice.
Can't you eat your soup quietly? -Your wine is served.
-Hey.
I know that there's something wrong here.
-Why? -Definitely there's something wrong here.
-What makes you think that? -I don't know, Abbott.
It's just every once in a while I swear I see a hand coming up.
-Oh, you imagine those things.
If you'll just eat your-- what's wrong now? -I'm not going to eat this soup.
-Well, throw it in the flowers.
What are you doing that for? That calls for a drink.
-Let's have a drink.
-I've got to have a glass of wine.
-Hey, Abbott, can I have a glass of water? Gimme some water, please.
-Drink some wine! -I don't want no wine, I just want water.
Just give me some water, huh? Hey Abbott, how did you get the water out of the wine pitcher? -Well, what do you want? Make up your mind! This is what I wanted-- water-- but how come you got it out of the-- -You wanted water.
I don't know.
-You put out wine, and you put out water! -Everything is crazy around here for some unknown reason.
I don't know.
-Well, I would like to have a little wine now.
-You want wine? -Yes.
-Why don't you talk up and say so? Hey.
-What? There's something wrong around here, boy.
I'm going out and check on all this.
You sit here.
And don't worry about a thing.
I'll be watching ya.
I'm going to get help.
-OK.
-I'll bring your dessert, sir.
-You gonna bring the dessert? -Yes, sir.
-OK.
If my brother George was only here-- [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS.]
-Dessert, sir.
-Well, isn't it beautiful! Nice dessert, huh? Well, thank you, sir.
I'm going to have some of this dessert.
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may die.
[COSTELLO SINGS.]
[BOMB TICKS.]
-Hey! Hey Abbott! Hey Abbott! This is a bomb, Abbott! -Louis! Where are ya, Louis? -I'm about to fall, Abbott! ANNOUNCER: Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
ANNOUNCER: Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair, presents the lovely recording star, June Valli.
JUNE VALLI (SINGING): Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
So Halo, everybody, Halo.
Halo, girls.
-Gee, Ms.
Valli, Halo glorifies my hair, just like it does yours.
-Mine, too.
-I can see that.
Your hair has a far brighter sparkle after a Halo shampoo, doesn't it? You know, that's because of Halo's special glorifying ingredient.
-And Halo is so mild, I can use it every day.
-And just look at the way Halo leaves my curls.
They're so much springier, softer.
And it's just amazing the way my set lasts and lasts after a Halo shampoo, and without special rinses.
So get Halo shampoo.
It will glorify your hair, too.
So Halo, shampoo, Halo.
ANNOUNCER: For brighter sparkle, springier curls, and longer lasting sets, get Halo, the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
-Thanks a million, friends.
-You know, we just wanted to take you to a trip through Bolomania.
-Bolomania, yes.
-It's a South American-- -How does it feel being the president of Bolomania, Lou? They presented you with a lot of metals, is that? -Oh, you-- you like those medals, Abbott? -Yeah! They must've thought something of you down there.
-Here's a beautiful medal.
Here's it clipped over here.
-What they give you this one for? -This bridge-- they've got a big bridge over there.
-A big bridge? -Yeah.
They call it the mo-- mola-- mol-- Bolomania Bridge.
-Bolomania Bridge.
-The Bolomania Bridge.
-Well, what'd they give you that medal for? -They gave me that meda for jumping off the bridge.
-Well, that's wonderful.
-Get a load of this one.
-What'd they give you that one for? -For jumping back.
I mean, after all-- -Now, you've made a fool of yourself enough tonight in Bolomania-- -How do you like this little medal? -What is that for? -Saving a girl.
-You did save a girl? -Yup.
-Well, that's wonderful.
-I had a date with two of them, so I saved one for tonight.
All I want to say is to everybody here, ladies and gentlemen, that-- -You've been a marvelous audience.
-A great-- oh, hey, Abbott.
First of all, I want to say about this here Fort Worth.
You know, next week-- next week, ladies and gentlemen, Colgate is really going out on a limb.
-Yes.
-They're going to Fort Worth, Texas.
Isn't that right? Fort Worth, Texas? -Yes, the Ice Capades.
-They're gonna have the Ice Capades.
You know, the girls on skates? And some of those girls are just beautiful.
They keep so nice.
Well, you got to be when you're on ice.
-Well, all right.
The Ice Capades next week.
-In Fort Worth, Texas.
-From Fort Worth, Texas.
-From Fort Worth, Texas.
Next week, the Ice Capades.
And ladies and gentlemen, they've got some great stars-- Donna Atwood-- and all of the greatest stars that they have in the ice business today.
So we want to see this show.
Good night, everybody.
-Good night, everybody.
ANNOUNCER: Featured in tonight's cast were Vic Parts, Frank Richards, Mike Ross, Jack Shay, Ken Mayer, Donna Kay, and Bobby Boburn.
The four girl's dresses by Della Rustle.
Abbott and Costello appear through the courtesy of Universal International Pictures, producers of Creature from the Black Lagoon.
The Colgate Palmolive Company invite you to watch Strike it Rich every Wednesday night.
Next week, we bring you a truly great spectacle.
We present the Ice Capades, with over 100 people on ice.
There will be comedy, spectacle, greatest skating, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, starring Donna Atwood with Bobby Specht, and a very special guest, that Hoosier humorist, Herb Shriner.
Don't miss this great hour's entertainment.
Two weeks from tonight your stars will be Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Three weeks from tonight the Colgate Comedy Hour will star Jimmy Durante, with his special guest Shelley Winters.
And four weeks from tonight, your star will be Eddie Cantor, with his guests Milton Berle, Eddie Fisher, and Connie Russell.
In planning your future, make United States savings bonds part of your program.
It's the ideal way of saving, because savings bonds are guaranteed by Uncle Sam.
Invest in United States savings bonds through payroll savings.
And now, this is Hal Sawyer saying good night for the Colgate Comedy Hour, which has been presented by the Colgate Palmolive Company, makers of quality products since 1806.