The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 [Cheers and applause] (Billy): Pretty good.
- You're good.
- Pretty good.
- (Billy): Hey, thank you so much.
- - - You have been a great crowd.
Yeah, this was our first taping, and you guys really set the bar audience-wise.
Really, you were really, really great.
Were there some places you could have been a little bit better? Yes.
- [Laughter] - You got the jokes.
- It just took you a minute.
- Yeah.
But you were really great.
You were really great! Yeah, and you guys you'll work on it.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night, guys! - Great.
- See you again.
You want to explain to me what that was all about? - What? - Your little improv thing in the sketch.
What was that about? Oh, yeah, that? That just popped in my head.
- That was funny, right? - Popped into your No, it's not funny.
You implied that I groped you.
Yeah, well, it got a laugh.
It totally sold out my character.
What is that? Billy, Billy, all due respect, your character had already gotten us lost in the woods and eaten half of the troop.
- I'm not sure what we're discussing - Because I'm a cannibal, not a pedophile! You have to eat.
You never have to molest a child.
Well well, I don't know what to tell you.
- Larry thought it was funny.
- Larry thought it was funny? - Guys, guys! That was kickass.
- Yeah? - You guys did a great job.
- I'd like to kick your ass for Why? What? Well, because you're letting him throw in lines at the end in front of a live audience, and you don't tell me anything? I don't even know what you're talking about.
- What are you talking about? - The little line you gave him at the end suggesting that I'd cupped his balls That was your idea? - Yeah, that was funny! - Wrong kind of funny! It killed the sketch! - That's the nature of improv.
- Billy, hey, hey, guys You're gonna explain to me the nature of improv? Could you guys hang on one second? - Hang on one second, please.
- Yeah.
I'm not comfortable with this.
I'm not comfortable getting in the middle of this.
You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I'll take you out of the middle of this.
You're fired, you bearded prick! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - What are you talking What are you doing? You can't fire him.
I just did.
I recognized my voice.
Good-bye, go sleep under the viaduct.
- You'll fit right in.
- Fine, fine.
I'm gonna go do that right now.
No, that's great, Billy.
That's real mature.
Let's do that.
No, this is good.
No, no, no, no, this is good.
Billy, let's fire everybody.
Let's just fire the director.
Guys, let's fire the director.
We're gonna fire props too.
Let's fire the set! Let's just fire this big, yellow phone.
- Josh, Josh.
- This is bullshit.
- - [Billy clears his throat] I'm excited.
I'm real excited.
I'm on my way to FX to hear, hopefully, the good news about my, uh, about my latest show, The Billy & Billy Show.
[Tone sound] Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! [Quivering] I'll have what I'm having.
We got a great show.
Bruno Mars is here.
We'll be right back.
And apparently, they love it because they're bringing me in.
They don't bring you in to give you bad news.
Believe me.
That, they call.
Or they, um, they text.
What do you mean, I didn't test well? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You tested great.
They they love you, right? Um, the show tested poorly somewhat poorly.
How is that possible? I am the show.
And I think that maybe that's where we are running into a little bit of trouble.
You're playing all the characters.
You're in every scene.
Um, we're worried that we run the risk of too much you.
[Chuckles] So, uh, okay.
Uh, what are you proposing? Are you familiar with Josh Gad? Comedy is like heart surgery.
It gets botched all the time.
All the time.
But if you keep it loose and you don't, you know, overthink it, you can you can fix people's hearts.
I loved you in Wolf of Wall Street.
Um, uh Thank you.
Did you see Book of Mormon? Yeah, I saw it twice.
He was one of the leads.
The fat one or the gay one? No, Joshs the f Uh, he's not the gay guy.
He's that I know of.
Is he? - Mm - No.
Uh, we're big fans.
We're big fans.
In fact, we think he could be well, he could be the next you.
Really? Okay, so when he's me, can I be Clooney? [Laughter] You know, we have a a little wrinkle we'd like to propose.
A wrinkle? Just a little wrinkle that we think will keep what we all love about The Billy & Billy Show.
And wrinkle it.
We think the two of you together would be a slam dunk.
When I found out Billy Crystal wanted to work with me, um, nobody was more excited than my grandparents.
Obviously, you're flattered.
Guy's a living legend.
I was also very impressed.
You know, for a guy in his position at this stage to realize how there comes a point in your career when it's time to, you know, play more of a supporting role, it's brave.
(Network president): We'd love you to meet with Josh.
He's a big fan.
I don't work with fans.
Hey, you know what? We have a poster we dummied up with the two of you Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Stop it.
Um, see, here's the thing.
Without Josh, the show doesn't meet our programming needs at this time.
Hey! Oh, no.
Kiss the ring.
I usually never know who I'm meeting.
I don't know their faces.
But you I've seen all over Starz Family recently.
It's so good to see you.
How are you? Oh, I'm good.
I'm a little nervous.
But I'm feeling good.
Don't be nervous, you know Listen, I just gotta tell you.
I saw Book of Mormon three times.
No, you're kidding me.
- Yes.
- You must be very wealthy.
[Laughing] Must be.
Must be.
Oh, fantastic.
It was fantastic.
Oh, it is It is such a kick.
You, sir, have got to do it.
You've gotta try Broadway.
You would get the bug.
It is it is so much fun.
I did Broadway with my one-man show, 700 Sundays.
We won a Tony, and it's pretty much one of the highest grossing non-musicals - in Broadway history.
No, no, no, no.
- You're kidding me.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
- No, I don't - It's okay.
I don't even know why I never even It's all right.
Oh.
What was it about? It's a story that my dad died when I was 15.
[Laughs] Wow, that sounds so powerful.
Yeah, it was It was, uh, good.
You want to sit down? Okay, the wild berry mojito with the grilled cheese and a side of fries and with all the dipping sauces on the side in their own individual And I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but you guys don't have gluten-free bread, do you? We don't.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
It's my cheat night.
I'll get a you know what? He's gone.
I'm gonna do Boodles Gin.
Josh? He's gone.
Oh.
- I just needed more time.
- Hmm.
So getting back into sketch comedy, that's gotta be really fun, right? Hmm? Oh, yeah oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.
Better than, uh, having to do another movie where you've got to play the wacky grandpa, I guess.
[Laughs] Why would you assume I don't like playing a grandfather? I actually am a grandfather.
- Four times.
- [Coughs] No.
No.
No, that's not what I meant by that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How did How did you mean it? I was referring more to the "wacky" than the than the "grandpa.
" Oh, I see.
I see.
Oh, I get it.
Well, I'll tell you something.
That wacky grandpa grossed 150 million worldwide.
[Laughs] I'm serious.
It did.
- That much? - Mm-hmm.
It's a dance the first time you meet someone.
And like dancing, people over 60 are not great at it.
- Jerry Lewis - Yeah.
Directing a movie.
You're the actor.
I'm Jerry Lewis.
Hysterical.
Okay.
[Clears throat] So in this scene, - you're contemplating suicide.
- Okay.
You're as sad as you've ever been in your life.
Your lover has left you.
- You're in Paris.
- Mm-hmm.
You don't know what to do with yourself.
Okay.
You walk out onto the ledge of your hotel.
And you say to yourself, when you look down, "That's so far down to go to fall!" I don't understand the structure of the joke.
Thank you.
So, uh - So yeah.
- Great.
That was great.
Yes.
Thank you again for dinner.
I I'm so sorry I forgot my wallet.
Don't worry, you'll get the next one.
Uh, black Tesla.
Me too.
Also a black Tesla.
- Please get his first, though.
- You got it.
Thank you.
- That wasn't great, was it? - No.
[Chuckles] No.
It was, uh, not one of my better meetings.
Seriously, was it Was that the worst meeting you've ever had? No Lindsay Lohan about doing The Miracle Worker in a dinner theater.
No, it was not It was not one of the If I had ordered the fish, it would have been the worst meeting ever.
But no, don't No, don't worry about it.
Still, I guarantee it.
Mark my words.
I guarantee tomorrow morning, we'll both receive phone calls from our agents saying, "He loved you.
" He didn't even just love you, he adored you.
Oh, he absolutely adored you.
He said he doesn't know where he ends and you begin.
He wants to farm your stem cells and grow another you.
He wants to turn you into a Buddhist, so he can represent you in your next life.
He said he wants to borrow you and make a human centipede with the two of you.
He wants to tattoo your face onto his face.
[Laughs] He wants to buy a joining burial plot, so you'll be together throughout eternity.
He said he wants to suck your cock.
[Chuckles] - You need, uh, valet? - Yeah, that would be awesome.
There you go.
Hey, thanks.
Thanks very much.
[Over speaker]: Hey, it's Victor from the Tesla dealership.
Listen, we were wondering when you were planning to bring the car back in.
The, uh, the test drive was really only supposed to last an hour or two, so we'd really appreciate it if you could return the car.
- - I'll be home in around ten minutes.
(Julie): Listen, I was checking out Josh Gad on YouTube.
- Uh-huh.
- He is really funny.
Uh-huh.
- Really funny.
- Right.
Like, I never saw anything like this before.
- Hey, honey, I'm losing you.
- He's hilarious.
- I'm losing you.
- He was doing this bit I gotta go.
I can't hear a thing.
- Hanging up.
- Okay.
[Exhales] - - (Brad): Dude, how'd it go? It was fine.
He deserves his place in the Comedy Hall Of Fame, but the problem is is that there's a disconnect between what I want to do and what he wants to do.
I would like Latinos to look at my stuff.
I want, you know, a black audience.
Big market.
- Totally.
- Yeah, big market.
I want, um, what are they called? Um - Filipinos? - Yes.
Filipinos.
No, they're They're terrific.
- Hey, Dave, it's me.
- - - (David): Billy? Yeah, listen, everything went fine.
He's a he's He's a talented guy, but he's not for me.
You know, the young guys or It's all the same.
They don't understand comedy the way it should be.
They can't build a sketch and build a character and have a punch line.
In the middle of a sketch, they'll just yell, you know, "Cock!" And they think it's funny.
He's afraid of the word "cock.
" It's not comedy, that's That's homophobia.
I'm gonna pass.
I can't see myself doing this with him.
(David): You can't.
I really gotta get something, okay? I, uh, I already burned through all of my season two money from 1600 Penn.
(Brad): Yeah, yeah Wait, sea There was no season two.
I know.
(David): Okay, we'll pass.
But you should know, they say with Josh, it's 13 on the air.
They'll do 13 on the air with Josh? And you.
- And me.
- Only.
- Together.
- Both.
Ah, shit.
[Upbeat music] - Morning.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- [Elevator dings] Larry, hey.
Hey, Billy.
I was just, uh - Yeah.
- You know.
Larry, listen, listen.
- Last night - You know what? Don't worry about it.
No, no, I do worry about it 'cause it's important to me.
Things were said that weren't meant.
- Really? - Honestly.
I'm so glad that we ran into each other because I don't want there to be any hard feelings.
Oh.
No, totally.
No hard feelings at all.
It's totally cool, totally cool.
'Cause it's hard, and, you know, it's one of those crazy outbursts.
- Oh - Crazy outbursts.
Listen, man, I completely understand.
You know, things get said in the heat of the moment.
- That weren't meant.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- I'm so glad.
I am so I'm relieved.
- Me too I was seriously freaking out there for a second.
If I get fired from this job, man, - it's it's nevermind.
- But Larry you're fired.
I just want to make sure that there's no hard feelings.
That's all.
Shit.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we're good, right? Yeah, we're great.
Great.
[Exhales] Good morning, Sharon.
How are you today? Hey, everybody.
Good show last night.
Proud of everybody.
Really good.
Hey.
Oh, shit.
Uh, shit, shit.
Billy, man.
I didn't make your protein shake yet.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
- The copier, like, exploded - Mm-hmm.
And then there was, like, effing toner everywhere.
Like, particles that I inhaled.
Which is awesome, 'cause I don't have health insurance, so All right, it's okay.
I mean, I know that you're supposed to have it at 11:30 - 'cause your nutritionist said - Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about a thing.
All right? I'm easy, you know that.
Okay.
See you later.
- Hi, Rebecca.
- Hi.
[Muffled music] [Swedish pop music] [Humming] [Music stops] Uh, did you get my note? Note? No.
Yeah, I wrote you a really long apology letter.
It's on your desk.
I feel I feel absolutely horrible about what happened last night.
You do not have to apologize to me.
No, no, no.
I do.
I was a total asshole.
- You're not an asshole, Josh.
- I am.
I'm a total, dirty little cock-ass.
This is what I do I find myself in really good situations, and I ju [Mimics gun cocking and firing] Aah! Ow! I shoot myself in the neck.
The neck.
Yeah, so I really don't want you to hate me.
You are a hero of mine.
Come on, I don't hate you.
- I don't hate you.
- Forget Paris.
- Stop.
- City Slickers and Stop.
It was not your fault.
It was Larry.
You feel the same way? [Exhales] It was Larry.
All right? - We'll be okay.
We'll figure this out.
- That is a relief.
- Yes, we will.
- Yeah.
All righty.
I never had a dad.
My mom just found some sperm somewhere.
I don't even know where.
And here I am.
I'm thirsty.
God's sakes.
Oh, my God, that's fantastic.
I'll follow up with the agents.
Right away, yeah.
Whoa, agents? What, is he asking for a bigger trailer now? [Laughter] Um, no, Josh actually, um Josh had a really good thought about a possible Larry replacement.
Oh, really? Oh, listen, um if you're gonna have a meeting about directors, - don't you think you should have called me? - No, this is not a meeting.
No, - not a meeting.
- It's not a meeting.
If it was a meeting, we'd have let you know.
Yeah, but you didn't call me.
There's no meeting.
I would have shut the door.
And the door was open.
It's no meeting.
(Josh): I was just I was just saying, casually saying, in a very casual manner that Beth Singer is terrific.
(Billy): Who is she? - She's very young.
- Uh-huh.
(Josh): But she's done some unbelievable sitcom work.
Really? Like what? 1600 Penn.
All right, listen, with all due respect, Josh, we're gonna hire somebody who directed a show that lasted half a season? - You know - Well, I mean, to be fair, we packed a lot in, though We, I mean we did a finale.
I think we need a veteran for this show.
We need somebody who really knows funny, knows how to get the best out of what Jamie Dobbs.
Jamie Dobbs would be fantastic.
Jamie Dobbs was a big director in the '90s.
Had hit after hit after hit.
He's an improv genius.
I mean, I used to go to him just to sharpen character.
You worked with him.
Jamie, yeah, I did.
I worked with Jamie.
Jamie Dobbs and I, we dated briefly.
On and off for a few years.
Ahem.
He was married.
- [Car alarm sounds] - Oh! Uh, yeah, you know, he he kind of fell off the map, - and he hasn't worked in a really long time.
- Better.
Better.
He'll be fresh.
He'll be fresh.
- Jamie, that's our guy.
- Mm-hmm.
If I may If I may, Kris and I were just talking out of the context of the meeting, and we were both saying that, you know, it might be better to have a female perspective.
I think it's better to have a funny perspective.
Honestly, I mean, can we just find Jamie? - This would be so exciting.
- Yeah.
- Be great.
- So that's it then? We're just gonna go with one of your friends - who hasn't worked since, uh, the '90s? - No, you know what? You know what? We will hire one of your friends when you make friends with some geniuses.
- Find Jamie, all right? - Yes, I will.
(Billy): Great.
[Door closes] Thanks for, um, having my back.
Always.
I was being sarcastic.
I always have your back, Josh.
- I have always - [Stomach growls] God, I'm starving.
[Stomach growls] (Josh): Well, great.
Uh, get your Jamie guy.
He sounds really sounds good.
[Stomach growling] You have a colon problem.
Your stomach is making noises that are abnormal at best, dangerous at worst.
Get that checked out.
[Door closes] [Sighs] You got this.
Come on! - Ooh.
- This is in you.
Suck it up! Breathe.
Don't just breathe out.
You gotta breathe in a little bit too.
I'm not breathing.
Just give me two more.
Two big ones.
- Mm-mm.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, yeah.
- One - Mm.
Oh, Jamie.
Hi.
Oh, so good to see you.
Oh, not much.
Lost almost 70 pounds.
I did, I I caught a virus and ran with it.
Oh, don't tell him that.
Don't say that if you don't mean it.
No, I said no.
I am not doing this again.
[Sighs] I would love to go to dinner.
You're not gonna go to dinner with this guy.
[Sighs] No, it's green.
It's green.
I go sallow.
Please, no more green.
- Thanks.
- Jamie Dobbs.
Gonna be here any second.
I couldn't be more excited.
I mean, amazing.
There's a miracle worker - Well, it's about the show.
- Right here.
There's no "I" in Billy Crystal.
Except the one in the beginning.
[Both laughing] - Very good.
- Yeah.
Have you had a chance to read the sketches I sent? - I just - Ooh, good, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Oh, great.
- Protein.
That's not whey.
I still can't believe he wouldn't even consider Beth.
Totally racist against women.
Right? I should go.
Throw away this cup.
[Stomach growls] Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? (Kristen): I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, that Kristen.
Jamie.
Oh, my God, you look exactly the same.
Jamie? I've had a little work done.
Listen, I know I should have called you.
- But I should have - [Laughs nervously] - No, no, no.
I really should have let you in - Jamie's here, Jamie's here.
on what was going on.
[Mumbling frantically] I I will I will get in touch Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
There he is [Laughs] There he is! Ohh.
Oh! You wonderful little man, you.
Mwah! [Both laughing] Uh, it's gonna be good.
Totally.
Yeah.
And you, uh you got your friend.
Right, and you got your woman.
[Both chuckle] It's, uh - it's gonna be good.
- Yeah.
[Upbeat old-timey music] Can we stop? I'm sorry.
II don't get this bit.
- I don't get it.
- Don't look at me.
I thought this was one of the ones that you wanted to do.
- I thought you liked it.
- No, no, no, no, I Sailors, they're like clowns for me.
- They scare me.
- This funny walk - I'm fine losing it if you want to lose it.
- Can we? Yeah.
[Both sigh] You want to go get some coffee? Yeah.
You know what I'd like better? An iced chai.
- Oh, the Oprah one? - Oh, I love that.