The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Come to the House

1 Go on without me, partner.
I'm as good as dead.
- I can't go.
- Go! You don't need to get yourself killed too.
You don't need to be a hero.
No, I literally can't go.
You're sitting on my car keys.
[laughter] Listen to me, you son of a bitch.
I need you to lean me over, reach under my left butt cheek, and get those keys.
[laughter] I'm sorry, could we Guys, could we cut just for a second? - I'm sorry - I thought that was good.
The last the last line should be louder, you know? "Reach under my left butt cheek and get those keys!" Yeah, I mean, we could do it many different ways.
I just thought that we were doing this in the tone of, like, an action film, like a Bruce Willis movie or a Daniel Craig movie.
Yeah, but those guys you can hear.
Yeah, but James Bond doesn't scream, "Shaken, not stirred!" You know, it would kind of take away the sex appeal of that line.
Plus, there will be a boom mic, from what I was told, and I'm wearing a mic? I'm pretty sure that will pick me up.
Well, let's just carry on You know, I don't think it matters.
It's your big punch line.
The audience will go crazy.
You know, it's funny.
What? Audience? Yeah.
So, I'm sorry.
I thought we were doing this as a As a film piece.
I thought that was what we had discussed.
No no no.
No no no no.
That's Honestly, for me.
This can't be on location.
This is an audience piece.
They'll go crazy.
Jamie, come on.
Help me out here.
(Jamie) So where do I begin? Six years ago, I was on top of the world.
I was directing big films, and I was making money hand over fist, and I was living in the wrong body.
Okay? Billy and Josh? Uh they're great.
We're live performers, Josh.
I just think that we're at our best when we're onstage.
So when you guys shot City Slickers, you shot that in front of a live audience? Josh, that's not helpful.
No, all I'm saying is, I think that the opening of the show needs some juice.
I just want to get some juice, you know, when we open the show so Like like Ernie Kovacs.
I don't know who that is.
You don't know who Ernie Kovacs is? Ernie Kovacs Classic TV icon.
I mean, he really was a pioneer of physical comedy.
- Percy Dovetonsils.
- The Nairobi trio That sounds terrible.
But he would start every show in an unpredictable way, and I think we have the ability to do that.
Guys Jamie, I just feel like this whole canned laugh track feels really old-school.
I feel like you're sitting on my lap.
Is there a reason? It's just that I put my stuff here because this is where I wanted to sit, and then you pushed it away, but Well, I just was I was sitting here, you know.
I don't think that this sketch will be best on location.
I think we should do it in front of a live audience.
And bottom line is, I just feel like we should shoot the sketch, you know, without a live audience.
I think that the best idea would be to cut it.
Just cut it? Cut the opening sketch? Just cut the whole sketch? It's a good compromise, I think.
Is it sometimes tough to square what Billy wants with what Josh wants? Sure, but I'm the head writer, so you know, it's It's with great power comes Got to park in the structure.
- What's that? - Got to park in the structure.
- Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
- P4 or below.
- I have the reserve - You got to park P4 or below.
I have a reserved space [horn honks] - All full! - Okay, all right.
All right.
- P4 and below.
- I got it.
They must be filming something.
(male announcer) On the next Lewis is the New Black [mumbles] [sighs] There's no time for the sex now, Red.
The world's falling apart.
California's got a drought.
There are Shiites and Kurds and Kardashians running amok.
I'm telling you, America's pulling money out of its ass and no place to distribute it.
We're living in a shit storm! So that's a "no"? No, that's a "yes.
" I'm just trying to romance you.
Let's do this, but stay out of my Ukraine.
Ooh, I love it when you use dirty cultural references.
[both grunt] Whoa! Hello, Chernobyl.
So she's, like, one of those little tiny, tiny, rich yoga ladies.
You know the kind I'm talking about? Yeah.
I hate those bitches.
It's like, we get it, you're flexible, going to yoga.
That's besides the point, but anyway, so I'm in the back of the line, she's up front, and she's like, [nasally voice] "Hi.
"Can I please get a nonfat vanilla soy latte with extra foam, Grande, Grande, 1.
5 Splendas, measure it out, and just a soupçon of coconut milk.
" Oh, my God.
[laughs] "Just a soupçon.
" [laughs] She did not say "soupçon.
" No, she said "a splash" but - What's so funny? - Oh, I was just Josh saw this chick at the commissary who was, like - Hey! - Hi.
- How are you doing? - Hey, Mrs.
Crystal You must be Mrs.
Oh, please, it's Julie.
- Julie, Josh, Esme.
- It's so nice to meet you.
Billy's said such nice things about you.
Well, don't tell him because I don't want him to get comfortable.
- [laughs] - For me? Oh, thank you.
- Does it have the - Yes.
Coconut milk, yeah.
Ooh, see? I don't even have to ask.
Oh, my God.
Josh, you have to do that Such an honor to meet you.
- Impression for Billy.
- No.
What? Billy, you're gonna 100% shit yourself when he does it.
Well, shitting myself is my favorite thing.
Unfortunately, it's true.
[laughter] TMI.
I haven't done it today, so go ahead.
- Not today.
- What about my needs? - I don't want to do it.
- Do it! - Come on.
- Come on, I bet it's good.
[Southern accent] Hey.
I'm Maya Angelou.
It's I know why the caged bird sings 'cause he's stuck in a damn cage.
That wasn't [normal voice] I'm still honing it.
- I do a whole - It's a little rough.
- That wasn't what I meant.
- She puts the bird in the cage.
And I know part the caged bird saying She Sorry, I'm getting a little - That's okay.
- [sighs] - She was a good friend of ours.
- She was a friend of ours.
No, Maya Angelou You're crying.
Oh, shit.
I meant the yoga lady, Josh.
- Yeah.
- The who? - We were just talking about it.
- You know what? I forgot to tell you s I'm so dumb, dumb.
Kristen needed to speak to you about some forms that she wanted you to sign.
Go, go now.
- I don't sign forms.
- Get go.
Did she smell like marijuana to you guys too? - No.
- Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, I'll talk to her about not smoking marijuana.
Listen, why don't we have Josh over for dinner? I can cook.
I'll cook.
I think we're free Thursday.
Aren't we? - No.
- Sounds great.
- No, Thursday no.
- I'm free.
No, it's the Clipper playoff game.
The Clippers.
The guys come over.
- It's very intense.
- No way.
We watch in a certain way.
Well, that makes it sound even better.
"The guys.
" I don't know who "the guys" are, but just the way you said it sounds fun.
No, but it's it's I'd love to.
Thursday night? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
As the French say, très bien.
[both sigh] [whispering] I'm sorry.
- What? What? - I'm sorry.
You want me to uninvite him? We can't do that.
No, because you gave him the right address.
It's gonna be fine.
Come on.
It's a chance for you guys to get to know each other.
But, you know, it's Oklahoma City.
It's Durant.
It's Westbrook.
It's the playoffs.
Bill, I don't have the Clippers' schedule tattooed on the back of my hand.
I know, but I do.
That's why I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
You're gonna be fine.
Just fine.
You can watch the game.
Just maybe you can't sacrifice a goat or whatever it is you guys do in there.
First of all, it's a lamb, and we don't do it for us, we do it for the Clippers.
- Really? - Yeah.
(Kristen) Jamie? No.
I don't want to talk about that.
That is an area of my life I would prefer not to revisit.
[clicks tongue] Ever.
He was just he was this big, handsome, strapping director, and I was just this, you know, young, impressionable PA.
You know, it's just not something that I I want to discuss.
Some of the most intense, profound orgasms of my life.
No, no.
My eyes rolled so far back in my head.
I saw my brain.
You can do that, and it was scary and [whispers] fantastic.
So the guys cannot agree on this opening sketch, and I don't know where Jamie's head is at, so I have a feeling this is gonna be a long night.
I have an entire writing staff counting on me What's the question, Mitch? Oh, um, I just I thought it might be nice to do a coffee run.
Yes! That would be amazing.
Can I get a dirty chai and whatever cookie looks good? Um, what I was meaning Guys, hi.
Have you seen Kristen? No, I've been holed up in the writers' room all day.
But Mitch is doing a coffee run, if you want anything.
Mitch, send her out for coffee.
She doesn't send you out for coffee.
- Ooh! - Okay? [loud clatter, Kristen groans] (Kristen) Shit.
Oh, Kris Wait a sec, Kristen! What is that about? Drama.
I guess someone said they used to bang? Like, back when Jamie was a dude or whatever.
Like, in the '70s, and he was, like, cheating on his wife with her.
I don't know.
I wasn't supes listening.
Anyway, dirty chai, whatever cookie looks good, no nuts.
I'm not allergic.
I just hate them.
Wine? That's literally the worst suggestion I've ever heard.
You want me to bring Billy Crystal, who probably has everything imaginable in his house, a bottle of wine? It might be nice.
People like wine.
What if he doesn't drink wine? What if she doesn't drink wine? Okay.
All right.
How about a gift certificate? No.
You know what? He probably already has this, but [sighs] A security alarm system? What does that even mean? Bring, like, an ADT Security person to install something in his home If he doesn't already have one.
Or maybe, he's not happy with the service.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, there's literally a level of autism to some of these suggestions.
This is a nightmare.
This is a goddamn nightmare.
(Jamie) [knocking] Josh? - Honey, are you decent? - Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Seen Kristen? Kristen? - No.
- Yeah.
If you see her, just tell her I'm looking for her.
- Okay? - Yeah.
You got it.
Great seeing you.
So I feel like we haven't made any progress on the "What do I bring to Billy's house for dinner" front.
It's unbelievable.
This should be fun.
I'm really excited about this.
I actually don't know anything about basketball.
I hired a TaskRabbit to teach me about hoops.
But I do know a couple of things about making friends [metal crunches] Oh, shit.
We, uh, maybe we should do some street parking 'cause I feel like I'm not giving these guys enough space to get out of here.
[knocking] (Billy) Coming! You'd think they could afford a doorbell.
- Hey.
You made it.
- Hey! Hey.
Good to see you.
Listen, the game's about to start.
The guys are out back.
Plenty of food.
I got you guys a little something Oh, Josh, that's nice, but you really didn't have to do anything.
- No, I wanted to.
- Sharper Image.
That way, you can buy whatever you want.
- Oh, that's nice.
- 100 bucks.
- That's really nice.
- It's 100 bucks.
- Oh, Josh! Hi.
- Hey.
How are you? - Oh.
- Welcome.
Come in.
[as Billy] You look marvelous.
Ah, I've never heard that before.
- If I had a nickel - Yeah.
The gift certificate is for the both of you, by the way.
Oh, well, that's so sweet of you.
Thank you.
By the way, if I may, you have a fabulous house.
(Julie) Oh, thank you.
Hey, do you want the tour? Sure.
I would love that, yeah.
- Billy? - What? Give Josh the full tour.
Yeah, sure.
After the game.
I'll be happy to.
No, I think he wants to see it now, right? Yeah, but the game's about to start right now in about 30 seconds - I'm good either way.
- Yeah, but after the game I think that the game can wait.
No, it's a playoff game.
No, there's a DVR.
Yeah, there is, and you know, Joe is here, and Sugar Ray's here and Yeah, I know, but Josh asked for the tour I was presented with the offer.
I'm good either - The game's about to start.
- I think it's a good idea that you give him the tour.
- I'll put in on pause.
- Thank you.
And then we can watch it afterwards.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Great, yeah.
- And, um, honey? - Yeah? Full tour.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Have fun.
She's delightful.
So, uh, full tour.
Let's start in my office, okay? - Yeah.
- It's which is over here.
Is it rude to ask how much a place like this goes for? Yeah.
I love the pillows.
I love that it goes one green, one white.
You don't want to do that.
Come on.
Whatever the day Wherever the day takes Ooh.
There she is.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I'll call you back.
Hey, Kristen! Could you hold that, please? [sighs] There you are.
Oh, hey.
- Finally.
- Jamie, hi.
I've been so busy.
Where have you been looking for me? We need to talk.
We do.
(Jamie) I always thought we'd be able to pick up right where we left off.
You know, it is so awkward with our history together.
Listen, I am not still attracted to you, if that is what you were worried about.
I mean, obviously, you've changed, I've changed Kristen.
My gosh.
[chuckles] Oh, gosh.
What? You didn't think that I was talking about you and me, did you? No.
[forced chuckle] I didn't.
'Cause I was talking about me and Billy and our history.
Oh, that's right.
You and Billy and your - Yeah, I know - Yeah.
Because, Kristen, our relationship was - Very special.
- Toxic and dysfunctional.
And dysfunctional.
Seats in coach are just so difficult to sit in.
[chuckles] - Excuse me.
- Sure.
(Josh) I love the synergy of Mantle on the mantel.
Yeah, Mantle Well, that's a very rare piece, Josh.
See, it's a softball game that we played in 1984.
Only uniform he wore that wasn't a Yankee uniform.
That's why it's rare, and he signed it to me.
- Oh, my God.
- It's amazing to know him.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Is that seriously signed by Babe Ruth? Yeah, it's a very rare ball, that ball.
Josh, that's not a bare-hand ball.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
- That's a white glove - Billy! The oils on the hand We're sitting in there with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get started.
Come on, you know they always lose when we watch on delay.
- Let's do this.
- I know.
Will, Josh.
Josh, Will.
Of course, nice to meet you.
Book of Mormon.
I saw it twice.
It costs me five grand.
Come on.
Let's do this.
[coughing] Come on.
Let's watch.
Let's go.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Hey.
Come here.
Do you ever just sit in here and think to yourself, "My God, I am Billy Crystal"? Not really.
- Never? - No.
- That's surprising.
- Can we go? - Sure.
- It's game time.
Let's go.
Whatever you need.
We have food and everything you'd want.
(Josh) Ooh, I'd love food.
Lesbian Iron Chef, that was hilarious at the table read.
Billy killed that.
Remember? He said people wouldn't buy a guy in a dress and a wig.
(Jamie) Okay.
How about Bobo Hemsworth, Good Cop, Desk Cop, Germophobic Barbarian That's the pile they already threw out.
Oh, come on.
Jesus Christ! Billy said he's sick of Jesus Christ.
Hey, Esme? - Mm-hmm? - Should we get some pizza? Yes.
Pizza sounds amazing.
[phone ringing] Hey, girl.
(Esme) What's up? Hey, Esme? Should we get some pizza? Yeah, um, I like gluten-free crust, but, like, whatever you guys want is fine.
Just at work.
What are you doing? - No.
Don't foul him.
- Ooh! Horrible call! Horrible call! His feet weren't set.
The refs are killing us here.
It's because we're watching on delay, Billy.
I know, Ray.
I know.
I'm sorry.
(Joe) You missed the ring of condensation.
You need to put it in the middle.
Joe, it's in the ring.
Please put it in the ring right there.
- Hey! - It's in the ring.
Basketball! Playoffs! Ah! Sorry about that.
I was on the phone with my agent.
- Shh.
- What does it matter? He's gonna hit both free throws.
Durant never misses.
By the way, dinner tonight was absolutely exceptional.
Your personal chef is an artist.
Yeah, Alain's fantastic.
First time anyone sent something back to him.
Yeah, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
That's what I'm talking about.
When he did it with the sauce on the side, it just suddenly popped Josh, come on.
We got free throws here.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Not there! - Don't sit there! - Whoa.
- What are you doing? You sat there the Clips were on their run.
You sat there.
Sit there.
Because where I sit determines the outcome of the game? - Yeah.
- Oh, look.
We're winning.
We're winning.
We're losing.
Touchdown! Billy, control your boy.
Whoa, Ray, Ray, Ray.
(Josh) You see the look in his eyes? - I almost shit myself.
- No, no.
Sugar just turned to spice.
[growls] Go sit, Josh.
Thought he was gonna come out of retirement.
Sit down.
- Sit down and watch the game.
- Okay.
Wait right there.
- You're being serious.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This play happened like 10 minutes ago.
(Will) Sure did! - This guy's killing us.
- I know.
I know.
Billy, commercial.
Hey, listen, we're up five.
Seven minutes to go.
We're gonna be okay.
(Josh) Quick question.
Who is Chris Paul, and would it be a bad thing if he were severely injured? That's a bad joke.
- Get him out.
Get him out.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm dead serious, Billy.
- That's not cool! - Easy.
- It's not cool, man! - I know it'cool.
Josh, would you just, please, sit there, don't talk, even in jest, don't say anything about the game, okay? I was just trying to fit in with all these legends and Will Sasso.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
All right.
I, um, I'm gonna go use the bathroom.
[indistinct chatter] We're back.
We're back.
We're back.
Didn't see this on the tour.
Let's see what's in here.
- Ahh! - Oh, my God, Mrs.
Crystal! - I'm so sorry! - Close the door! - Close the door! - I'm s I'm sorry.
God! God! [basketball game in background] Sorry I got to split before the end of the, uh - The guys understand.
- Yeah.
I just got this thing in The Valley Yeah, completely.
Don't worry about it.
Tell all the guys that I had so much fun with them.
I'll do that.
- And "Ahlan" - Alain.
Alain, please tell Alain that dinner was exceptional.
Yeah, sauce on the side.
Sauce on the side.
So I'll see you.
All right.
And Julie, would you Josh, it is what it is, all right? It is what it is.
- So, I'll see you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
That sounded exciting .
(Billy) Tell me what happened! I [bleep] up.
[engine turns over] Well, at least Josh got the full tour.
(Mitch) Hey, so you're still learning, so it's no harm, no foul, um, but when I say things like "Hey, we should do a coffee run" or "We should get pizza," what that means is that you should do a coffee run and you should get pizza.
Right? [indistinct conversations] [indistinct conversations] (Jamie) I can't do it, Kristen.
I'm done.
- You're quitting? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, Kristen, it's just that I've been through too much, I've come too far to subject myself to this bullshit.
You know? I've got my ranch in Wyoming.
I've got my GHOSTPARENTS III money, so life is too short.
What are you gonna tell Billy? Some combination of the truth and not the truth.
- [chuckles] - Yeah.
[mutters] I am really sorry this didn't work out.
Really okay.
It's okay, and guess what.
It's actually It's better.
It's better this way.
And also, I I got a chance to see you.
[chuckles] So Mm-hmm.
Ah! God! Oh, I did not mean to do that.
- I'm - It's okay.
- I just I don't - No, no.
I - I did not mean to do that.
- It's okay.
- I'm just gonna - I don't I don't.
I'm just gonna go.
See, I got that thing.
I'm so sorry Mhmm.
- Oh, God! - Okay.
(Jamie) I mean, I know you went to bat for me, and I'm incredibly grateful, but you don't want somebody taking care of your baby who's not 100% passionate.
No, no, no.
You definitely want passion for the baby in a director or a nanny.
[both chuckle] That's right.
Well, that's the point.
I mean, I can't be a director and a nanny.
I get it.
Get it.
Hate to see you go, Jamie.
I hate to go.
All right, well, now that we're no longer working together, can I speak to you as a friend? - Of course.
- Okay.
- You and Josh - Oh, I know.
- I mean - I know.
I know.
I'll I'll make it work.
I know you will.
Well, take care of yourself.
You look great.
So do you.
Thank you.
All right.
Nice tits.
(Jamie) You too.
[laughs] [door opens and closes] - It's an amazing show.
- It's unbelievable.
Somebody said People You know, "Have you not You've never seen Breaking Bad?" No, so I So we watch the pilot.
It's astounding.
In the underwear? It's crazy.
- He is so good.
- So we start binge-watching.
Five years in, like, four days, - and now we're up to the finale.
- When he dies? How crazy is that? Right?