The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e12 Episode Script


It's good.
[sniffs] Ahh.
It's very good.
[police siren blares] Oh.
Sorry, guys, that's my phone.
[beep] Hey, sweetie.
No, no, not at all, what's going on? [both laughing] I'm like the Jewish Tony Montana here.
Say shalom to my little friend, and give me a half a pound of whitefish, and the bialys, you know how I like them.
Uh where you going? Where you going? The sketch was amusing.
I'm so glad you approve.
Yeah, I question the verisimilitude a little.
Do you even know what "verisimilitude" means? - Yeah.
- Okay, use it in a sentence.
I question the verisimilitude of that sketch you just shot.
Eat shit.
- Josh, how old are you? - What? - How old are you? - I'm 33.
'Cause I feel like right now, you would be a great boy detective.
What does that mean? You just look like you'd be a boy detective.
You could do that as sketch.
That'd be good.
Yeah, you could be, like, a boy detective.
- I like that idea.
- I don't even know what the concept of that sketch is.
You could have a really big magnifying glass, like, but bigger, so you look smaller.
(Dan) [laughs] Those are funny.
- Yeah.
Do you have this to remind you that you're lucky to have this? Like, you look at that, and go, "That was the past.
- Thank God I'm here, let's" - Do you have your bleep beard to remind you that you're an Amish pedophile? What did they tell you to do when you posed like that? I think they said, "Try to get in the way of everyone else who's doing great stuff in their career.
" Yeah, "Josh, smother this series - Yeah.
- Somehow, visually.
" Has anybody ever used this pickup line on you? - What? - Micucci, my dick.
No, actually, that's a good one.
- Right? - That's a really good one.
That's what I would do if I were That would work.
That would work.
Tell us, working with Billy Crystal, what's it like? What do you mean, what is it like working with Billy Crystal? You work with Billy Crystal.
What is that like? - Billy Crystal.
- We're having a lot of fun.
It's it's really great.
Have you had to get used to the elevation, now that you, uh, work in the Catskills? [laughter] (Dan) He said "Catskills," Josh.
- Yeah, I get it.
Does he bring his own drummer, or do you have to do the, "Ba-dum, tshh!" [imitating hoedown music] Do you have to dance like that? What is that? What is [imitating Billy Crystal] It was the first morning of "Ch-Channukah.
" I woke up, I went down the stairs, and who do I see, but Mickey Mantle, floating in on a bagel of lox.
- Jesus Christ, guys.
- [laughs] - What's a bagel of lox? - Stop.
Thought you said he was gone for the day.
He is gone for the day, but But we can't just be talking shit about my co-star.
Honestly, truth be told, he's a really great guy, and we're kind of friends now, okay? You sound like you're pretty in love with him there.
- Yeah.
- "Guys, stop it.
" You know, I do have a big bucket of vag cream in my backpack if you need it.
I've actually seen it.
She got it from Costco.
- Try try Kate's vag cream.
- Yeah.
She brought it all the way here.
Shut the bleep up, Dan! You're terrible in Wedding Ringer.
And everybody on set said you smelled like shit.
Do you know if, when they'd say that he smelled, that it smelled anything like this? Hey, Micucci, my dick.
Billy! Dude, where are you going? I've got lunch.
Oh, I'm done for the day.
Yeah, I found a way to be twice as funny in half the time, so they sprung me.
You didn't have to bring me lunch.
Okay, except for that time that I didn't bring you lunch, you ripped me a new one, and you were like, "Esme, unless I tell you not to bring me lunch, always, always, always bring me lunch.
" Lunch is a great idea, Esme, great.
What did you bring me, a salad? Good, because the dressing spilled in my car.
Now it smells like a fat, sweaty dude's testicles.
All right.
Oh, actually, can you bring Josh his too? Josh? Yeah, it's heavy.
- Can Billy be shticky? Yes.
[laughter] Am I tired of hearing that the musicality of my joke isn't right? Yes, absolutely.
Does he play to an 80-to-90-year-old Yiddish demographic? Uh, pretty much.
Do I sometimes feel like we should be dressing in vaudeville outfits before we do our sketches? Yeah.
[laughter] Are most of his characters based on people who died before my mother was born? What is "yes," for 500, Alex? [laughter] Billy, Billy, Billy, hey.
Hey, hi.
- Hey, Billy Billy.
- Yeah, hey.
I heard laughter, so that's a good thing.
Uh, hey.
I thought you left for the day.
I did, but I bumped into Esme.
She's a PA, and I'm actually frightened of her.
[laughter] - She's She's terrifying.
She's terrifying.
Um, she'd gotten us lunch, and she asked me if I would deliver it, which I did.
Again, fear, so [laughter] - She's terrifying.
- There you go.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Um, Billy Crystal, my friends.
- Rory.
- Rory, how you doing? - Hey.
- Uh, Kate.
- Nice to see you.
Hi, Kate.
- Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
- Dan.
- Pleasure.
I love you in your movies.
[laughter] Thanks, so, uh, that weighs, like, a million pounds.
Did you get the ton of hummus? What did you order? [laughter] I did, I got the ton of hummus.
Hey, well, you're probably gonna rip right through it, so Do you want any? No, no, no, I'm good.
Nice meeting all of you, and Josh, if you like the service, please, tell Esme, 'cause [laughter] Scary.
See ya.
Nice seeing you.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- He's cool.
- Super chill nice guy.
- Really nice.
- Oh, god.
- Yeah.
- "A ton of hummus.
" - He's funny.
- That's great.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, bleep.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Somebody kill me.
Somebody just bleep kill me.
- Look, I - I just I need to die.
- I want to just die.
- I honestly - bleep - Josh, listen, I honestly don't think he heard anything.
I mean, did you see the way he was acting just now? - Yes.
- He was absolutely delightful.
It's because he's a great actor.
Jesus Christ! Why couldn't he have heard that? He's a He's a great actor! One of the best actors of our generation.
Josh, no, I'm on Rory with this one.
I don't think he heard you.
I-I really don't.
(Rory) And so what if he did? I mean, we do that all the time.
We give each other shit all the time.
- Way worse than that.
- You don't understand, Rory.
He doesn't have a sense of About himself About Billy.
Billy, do you have just one second? - Billy Crystal.
- Yes.
- Do you have one second? - Okay, what's up? Um, hey.
I just I wanted to remind you that we have those promo bugs that we're shooting tomorrow.
- Promo bugs? - You know, the things that flash across the bottom of the screen to promote the show.
- Oh.
- With you and Josh.
And you're laughing and dancing.
"Billy and Josh Show, coming this fall.
" That's Kermit? You were doing Kermit? - The frog? No.
- Yeah.
Anyway, the network is getting really antsy about those promos, so you gotta get 'em done.
Okay, okay.
Who's directing? - Mitch.
- Oh, no.
I know, it's terrible.
No, no, it's not that.
He's just so - Insufferable.
- Yeah.
[impersonates Mitch] "Hey, Billy, uh, I'm Mitch.
- Uh, we'll get this in one.
" - That is so Mitch.
- Yeah.
- That's really good.
- We gotta do it.
- I know.
- We gotta get 'em done.
- I have no choice.
All right, I got it.
All right, listen, you want a salad? I was just gonna take this home and throw it out.
- Is this a prank? - No, it's not a prank.
- It just - It is, isn't it? George Clooney plays pranks on everyone too.
George? Okay, but I'm gonna get you back.
I'll be waiting.
I am sneaky.
You won't expect it.
You'll come out of your shower and I'll be like, gotcha.
Not the shower, but it could be anything.
Enjoy the salad.
[chuckles] Why do you have Billy's salad? He gave it to me.
And then I just turn and he's standing there - at the doorway.
- [gasps] - He was just standing there? - Yes.
What exactly were you talking about? I was making, um, fun of his style of comedy.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
You saw him leave before, did he Was he acting weird? Did he say anything about me? - No, nothing.
- He didn't seem mad? Uh, no, no, he seemed annoyed about the promo bugs and and the fact that Mitch is directing.
Mitch is directing? Oh, shit.
And he didn't seem to want his salad.
- But nothing about me? - No, nothing.
This is hell.
This is This is hell.
I almost wish he had heard and I just knew about it.
If you aren't sure that he heard, Why don't you just call him up and apologize? What if he didn't hear anything? Then you're just apologizing in general.
And who doesn't like that? I was in the elevator and this man sneezed on On the back of my neck, and he just apologized profusely.
It was wonderful.
Congratulations on keeping your streak of uselessness intact.
Please call him.
Please, I need to know.
I need to.
[cell phone vibrates] [baseball game on radio] - Hi, Josh.
- Billy? Billy, hey, it's me.
It's Josh.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hey, so I was just calling Because I-I wanted to make sure when I was with my friends earlier, we weren't being too loud.
Loud? No, I heard you laughing.
But, loud? No.
Yes, we were laughing that was us.
Well, that's a good thing, right? Because, uh, they are comedians, no? Yeah, yeah it is.
That's a good thing.
That's what funny people tend to do is we laugh - Right.
- A lot and, uh, But I just I wanted to make sure, um [mouthing "I'm sorry"] Sometimes people make jokes and they make jokes and feelings are never intended to get hurt.
Oh, man, is this about what I said about your lunch being heavy? The hummus thing? Is that what it's about? Oh [whispering] He didn't hear anything.
Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm not upset about that at all.
Because that's what we do, give each other shit.
That's what friends do, right? Yes, no, of course.
Man, I'm relieved.
- For a second I thought that - You thought that I was upset, but I wasn't, that's what I was calling to tell you, Billy.
All right, great.
Um, you know, I wasn't thinking about it until now, but now that you brought it up, I'm glad we're good.
- Good.
- Great.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, love you, brother.
(Billy) [laughs] Okay, bye.
He didn't hear anything.
[breathless noises] Do you believe that little prick? It's one thing to trash me and make fun of me.
It's another thing to call and fish around to see if I heard him.
He's like a sweaty Inspector Clouseau with a glandular disorder.
- Billy - No, Jule, I'm sorry.
But the things he said were shitty.
Sarcastic, mean, shitty things.
Okay, tell him.
Tell him that you heard what he said, tell him that it hurt your feelings.
Oh, ugh.
You hurt my feelings.
I mean, at that point I'm the schmuck who can't take a joke.
Might as well ship my cleats to Cooperstown, 'cause I'm done.
Okay, so what's your plan? Gonna pretend like nothing's wrong? - Forever? - No, not forever.
Just until we get cancelled.
Honey, I know what you're like when you get angry.
You're not gonna be able to hide how you feel.
I'll totally be able to hide it.
You saw how I was on the phone just now, I totally sold it, he had no idea.
I mean, it's 'cause I'm, like, a great actor.
Great? Okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- [laughs] That's my wife, ladies and gentlemen.
[beeping] Hello? Hey.
[tires screeching and crashing] No, now's a good time.
Oh, I don't know.
These color temps, they're feeling a little cool to me.
Maybe we put another gel on that tungsten.
It's a locked off green screen shot.
We point the camera, they say the words, - We say "cut.
" - I say "cut.
" (Josh) More like a warm bag of water that smells like eucalyptus.
There are my stars.
You're already laying down.
Who's excited? I'm excited.
- Great.
- Yeah, right this way, - gentlemen.
- [muttering] Jesus.
Here we go.
So, uh, what's the plan? How we gonna do this? We got about 50.
51 to be exact.
- Oh, god.
- Different pieces that I would love to share time permitting.
You know I appreciate the effort.
There's no way they're using more than three.
Well, we'll do our favorites first then we'll just work our way down the list.
[chuckles] "Josh hugs Billy from behind.
" - We gotta do this one.
- Yeah.
- That could be really funny.
- Yeah.
That could be really funny.
And tell me, Billy, tell me if you agree with me.
But we sort of we start - I don't like that one.
- Oh.
I haven't even told you what I want to do yet.
- Yeah, but I know it.
- So, I sneak up behind you.
I'm not comfortable with that one.
Just let me paint a funny picture for you.
I sneak up behind you, I give you a big bear hug.
- All right.
- Like this.
- No? Still no? - Eh, it's - What if I disappear behind - Cutesy shit.
And then I pop up like came out of his ass and grab his titties? - Oh, what? - No.
- Where are they? Let me at 'em! - Josh, cut it out.
- You know? - Okay, yeah, you're right.
(Josh) It's been done.
Mitch, what if we're facing each other - Okay.
- And, um, I sort of walk up to Billy, unsuspecting.
- Grab him like this.
- Would you just cut the shit.
Just cut the shit, all right.
Would you please? What, are we kidding right now? What's going on? You can't say shit about me behind my back, and then expect everything to be cool.
You have more faces than a bleep Picasso.
Oh, shit.
I heard what you said.
So let's just finish these promos and be done with it, because I don't feel like hanging out.
Do we need a minute? No, I'm fine.
Set 'em up, let's do it.
Billy, again I am so sorry Josh, it's done, okay? I was annoyed, I'm not annoyed anymore, so let's just move on, okay? But I need you to understand the context of what I said.
Josh, you apologized already, so can we just do this? Are we ready to shoot? - Yeah, let's do this.
- Sure.
Okay, we're gonna start off very simple, it's the old back-to-back, thumb over the shoulder, looking at the camera.
This guy.
Am I right? This make sense? Okay.
Here we go.
And action.
Really great.
You guys wanna play with that at all? What did you have in mind? Um, you know what? I do I think we got that one.
All right, let's move on to the next shot on the list please everyone.
Let's get these apple boxes in, very good.
Look, I know you're still upset with me and you have every right to be, okay? It's not fair what I said, I should have never talked shit about you behind your back.
Hey, if that's how you feel, that's how you feel.
- It's not how I feel.
- Just don't bleep say it next door to me.
I was [sighs] I could come back, or No, why don't you direct us, Mitch.
Coming up.
Um, this one is gonna have a graphic says "Cookin' up comedy.
" You guys are gonna have your spatulas here and you're just gonna, you know - flip stuff.
- Flip stuff? Yeah, yeah, like you're, you know, like you're cooking.
- Oh, that's the comedy? - Yeah.
Yeah, you got it.
It's gonna be good.
Sounds brilliant.
And action.
Um, Billy, maybe just sprinkle something on what Josh is cooking.
What am I sprinkling? Uh, salt.
[chuckles] Yes.
That's really good.
- How's it going? - [whispering] [spatulas clattering] [gasps] Oh, my God.
[wretches] So great.
Cut! Okay, we got that one.
Could be bring in the rowboat please? Rowboat? Yeah, you guys are gonna row across, bottom of the screen.
It's gonna be like, "They're in the same boat, this fall.
" - Should be hilarious.
- Yeah, sounds hilarious.
[chuckles] I know that you think that I'm old school.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
- That's what you said.
Well, let me tell you something, a lot of people think that I've been funny for a long time.
- Including me, Billy.
- No, no, no, you said that I was "old school and shticky.
" But you know what? I'm still standing, pal.
I'm still right here.
And that's not nothing.
And I know what I talk about may not be your cup of tea, but I'll tell you something, I've worked a really long time to be funny and not let them see me working.
- Mitch? - Yeah? - Let's go.
- No, Mitch, let's not go.
- Copy that.
- Billy, you know what? I would never say shit about you personally, okay? All I'm saying is that sometimes, some of the choices you make are different than what I would do.
- That's all I'm saying.
- That doesn't give you the right to make fun of me.
What? You make fun of me all the time.
You make fun of the shit that I like, you tell me that all of my humor's lowbrow, and that my jokes are dumb.
(Billy) If I made jokes about you it's all meant in good fun.
But I would never take shots at you or your work.
Well, you know what? Feel free, Billy.
Feel free.
Honestly, it would be a relief at this point.
Go ahead, tell me that my performance in Wedding Ringer is a poor man's Kevin James with a Jew 'fro.
- I don't care.
- That's the point.
You should care.
Every second you should care, Josh.
You're really funny.
But you do everything with a little wink.
Your friends the other day, the tragically hip ones, who think it's so cool to bash people and dish on other comics.
They'll never make anything great, or more important, real, unless they pour themselves into their comedy, and neither will you.
I've apologized profusely at this point, I have said "I'm sorry," I don't know how many times.
But you can't really tell me that you are this thin-skinned about your work, Billy.
I mean, come on, we're comedians.
This is what we do.
We bleep around, we bust each other's balls.
I've seen you and your friends.
I've heard you and Rob Reiner and Martin Short give each other shit.
Because they've earned the right to give me shit.
We know each other 40 years.
We love each other.
They're my peers.
They're my friends.
You're not my friend.
We just work together.
Mitch, we're done.
Good job, a lot of good stuff there.
That is a wrap, folks.
Please do give yourselves all a big round of applause.
Let's hear it.
[clears throat] [elevator dings] Got, uh got anything fun planned for the weekend? Uh, just, uh, you know, stuff.
There's a grandson's birthday party.
That kind of stuff.
You? S Stuff.
My brother My brother's coming into town, probably go out to dinner.
[elevator dings] - See you Monday.
- See you Monday.
[elevator dings]