The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e13 Episode Script


Are you guys ready to laugh tonight? Welcome to the final episode of the season.
Make some noise.
It's show time right now.
So when our show premieres, please, please, please, please tell your friends to watch.
I need to keep this job.
And don't forget to laugh! Going in three, two Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Crystal and Josh Gad.
Hello, wow.
Wow, wow.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What a great crowd.
What a great crowd.
Thank you.
- What a crowd.
- Welcome.
Welcome to our last episode of the season.
You know, it's very exciting because we've been on a real great journey.
Josh and I did not know each other when this started, and now here we are, 13 episodes later.
- And we're - The best friends.
We're friends.
Things have been tense.
I guess Josh was talking shit about Billy, and Billy overheard it.
And then Billy said, "We're not friends," to Josh in front of everyone.
When the camera's rolling, they're great, but off-screen, they don't talk to each other.
They just head off opposite directions and go home.
All the silence and the repressed emotions.
Why are you smiling? - Did I smile? - Yeah.
I didn't mean to smile.
I did I guess it just reminds me of my childhood.
Listen, we have a great show for you tonight.
Great show.
The Charlie and the Tuna Factory sketch may be the best thing we've done all year.
- We cut that sketch.
- We've got a good show for you.
We do, so stick around.
- You've been great.
- Thank you.
Thanks for a great year, everybody.
There is a flight to London at noon the day after you wrap.
Mm, nothing earlier? Wow.
Wow, you really cannot wait for the show to be over, can you? Oh, it's not that, honey.
I just want to spend more time with my beautiful wife who happens to have an ass like a peach.
That's all.
There's that full-of-shit smile.
I haven't seen that one in a while.
What? You obviously have not made things right with Josh.
What's to make right? The show ends in five days, we're gonna get a shitty time slot, and then we'll get canceled.
That's all.
- Uh-huh? - Uh-huh.
And then you can start your new career as a motivational speaker.
Honey, you know what it's like with costars.
Some of them you love.
Some you like.
Some you just do the work, and you go home.
He and I are really good on-camera, and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters.
You were starting to feel like a father figure to him, and you know it.
- Father figure? - Yes.
Okay, I'm a father figure to Josh? All right.
Well, there's a diaper I do not want to change.
Tonight on PBS, The Unknown Chaplin.
All right? It's all right.
Thank you.
Your wings here can I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's just a little crooked.
- Good? - No, they're still crooked.
I don't know how to do that.
So you pretty stoked to be done? Stoked? I don't know.
It will be nice to take a breath, though.
Yeah, well, it sure will.
- Denis is here.
- Yeah, I know.
I saw him.
He's with that other executive, Wendy, the one who always looks like somebody's standing on her balls.
Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
She really doesn't care for comedy much, does she? Oh, it's on her business card: "Vice President of Comedy, which I really don't care for.
" When this is done, tonight, you maybe want to maybe want to get a slice of pie? Pie? I don't even know why I just said pie.
I don't even like pie.
You want to maybe grab a drink, hang out, decompress? You know what, I would like that.
I would really like that, but I promised Julie I'd come home right after the taping tonight.
We're leaving first thing in the morning for Europe.
Oh, right, right, right.
Yeah, I forgot about that.
Yeah, she really wants to get away.
Hey, Billy.
You're not still You know No, I don't.
You're not still mad at me, are you? Yeah, 'cause you know what, I would hate if Josh, we're good.
Okay? Okay.
- Beautiful day.
- Beautiful day.
Same as every other day.
Speaking of beautiful.
Ooh, check out the tits on this one.
We're casting here.
We're casting.
Hey, you got anything lined up after this? Oh, yeah, the cue card industry's just exploding.
So what are you in here for anyway, huh? Me? I took a bullet for the Pope.
- No shit? - Accidentally.
- Oh, well.
- What about you? - Yeah, I cured cancer.
- Really? Yeah, I was trying to make meth.
You know, I have to tell you, Kristen.
Yeah? As fraught as this process has sometimes been, end of the day, you guys put together one heck of a season of television.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That means so much.
So much, Denis.
Well, I know this has been kind of a combat-pay situation for you at times.
No, no.
It was fun.
Listen, I haven't told anybody else this yet, but I'm gonna premiere you guys in the fall.
You're gonna be on right after Louie.
Don't tell Billy and Josh.
I'd like to do it.
My own people don't even know yet.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Do you know a place I can go and make a private phone call? Yeah, you can use my office.
Ah, heroin in heaven.
Does it get any better than this? Oh, no.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, guys, come on.
What are you gonna do, kick us out? Yeah, yeah.
- No take-backs, huh? - Yeah.
We'll see about that.
Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to the big guy.
Oh, yeah, talk to your father.
- Go talk to your father.
- Yeah, I will.
My wings are shaking.
My wings are shaking.
Why are you so happy? Can you keep a secret? - Yeah.
- I mean, seriously.
You cannot say anything to Billy or Josh nothing.
Holy shit.
Really? And you should be so proud of yourself, Mitch.
You have worked awfully hard this year.
You really have.
All right.
He's also you know, he's above everybody, that guy.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- So listen.
So, all season, I've wanted to Make out with me.
You could tell that? It's kind of obvious, Mitch.
It's fine.
I don't care.
Really? What, you don't care that I want to, or you don't care, like, we can? This week on The Unknown Chaplin, an astounding discovery of a lost negative found buried under the Chaplin estate.
On set, Chaplin directs his crew on how he wants the scene filmed.
Charlie didn't want anyone to see his experimental film, and now we see why.
Chaplin chooses Broadway ingenue Alfred London to play his love interest, replacing his usual costar, Mack Swain, because Chaplin didn't feel he was attractive enough.
In this never before seen film, "A place to Rest my Cane", Chaplin pushed the boundaries, perhaps too far.
This was take 57.
He was film's first great genius.
More to come on The Unknown Chaplin.
You're really liking that one, huh? - Yeah, well, that's a good one.
- Great sketch.
Good, good, good.
- Question.
- Yes, sir.
I know you and I are good because a minute ago, you said, "We're good," and I lack the ability to recognize people's vocal patterns.
- Or to imitate them.
- Right.
But what about the show? - You think it was any good? - Honestly? Yeah.
It's really good.
We did good.
- We did really good work here.
- We did, right? Yeah, no, I'm proud of what we did.
Hey, listen, once it goes out there, you never know.
Well, when they put it on on Saturday at 2:00 AM, I'm sure people are just gonna eat it up.
Yeah, but listen, the cleaning crew that comes in here late at night, they'll love it.
Yeah, I trust them.
I trust them.
- I do too.
- Down in two, guys.
Two, Kay.
Thanks, man.
I got to say, I could use a hit.
You know what? You'll be fine.
Whatever happens with the show, you'll be fine.
I don't know.
You remember that Scorsese movie I didn't get? Yeah.
It turns out I still didn't get it.
Don't worry about what's next.
There'll always be something for you.
You're too good.
So, you know, just enjoy this.
All right, Son, any last words? I can't believe I'm gonna die.
Okay, bye.
No, those weren't the last words! Oh, I didn't know.
- Was that them? - Definitely not.
No, not what I'm saying right now.
Neither is that! Stop! Nothing that's coming out of my mouth right now is the word.
I can't tell what are the words.
Right before I say the last words I can't believe this is actually happening right now.
Stop talking.
I'm dead serious.
- Good-bye.
- How much time do we have? - 4 1/2 minutes.
Yeah? Okay.
Come here a second.
I just want to say something to you.
Josh, everybody worries about what's next.
You think I don't worry? Josh, I worry all the time.
I love what I do, and I want a chance to do more of it.
Billy, you are Billy Crystal.
Most people, if they'd accomplished what you've accomplished, would feel pretty damn good about themselves.
All right.
- Let me ask you this.
- Yeah.
Say I come to you when you were in college, all right? So this is, like, a time travel scenario? Yes, it's a time travel scenario.
I have a time machine.
You're Billy Crystal, and you have a time machine? Yes, and I come to you Did you build it yourself? I'm an actor, Josh.
I bought one.
- How much is it? - I'm trying to be nice.
- Would you just let me be nice? - I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry, okay.
I'm just trying to figure things out.
So I walk into College Josh's dorm.
- Okay.
- And I see College Josh.
And I say to him, "That's disgusting.
Put your pants on.
What are you doing?" Oh, sorry, sorry, Future Billy Crystal.
I was just whacking off.
And you're what, 19, 20 years old, right? And I tell you that someday you'd star in one of the biggest musicals in Broadway history.
You'd star in one of the biggest animated movies in Disney history, and not to be that guy, but you'd also star in a television show with me.
What would College Josh say if I told him all of that? I would say, "That is beyond my wildest dreams.
" Right.
And you've accomplished all of that already.
And you're what, 33 years old, you little shit, huh? You know what I'm saying? So what are you gonna do, Josh? Are you gonna retire now? Pack it in? You're all done? Sit on the beach and sip cocktails all day? No, no, I don't think so.
So what makes you think that ever changes, ever? Hey, I got something for you.
Call it an early wrap gift, since you're leaving tomorrow and come here.
Hey, can you keep a secret? Laurel and Hardy cufflinks.
Oh, wow.
They were made in the '40s.
They're completely authentic.
That's incredible.
After we went up the music box stairs on your birthday, I started to watch all their stuff.
Sons of the Desert, Way Out West.
Anyway, I figure they're a pretty great comedy team, and you and I could be a pretty great comedy team.
We certainly can.
Hey, guys, we need you.
Yeah, thanks.
Josh, it's Thank you.
Hey, Denis? Denis? It should've been me.
Don't you say that.
Don't you ever say that.
You just got to go on living for the two of us.
You saved my life.
You would've done the same for me, buddy boy.
Hey, just promise promise me you'll never forget.
I won't remember anything else.
- You still - Yeah.
Yeah, well Yeah, it hurts, but otherwise, I'm good.
- I'm gonna stay here.
- Yeah, that would be good.
That would be great.
I found him like that.
It's just It's so terrible.
It's just so terrible.
He was a visionary.
He was a wonderful man.
It was just an hour ago.
He was so happy, talking about our new time slot.
Time slot? He pulled me aside, and he told me that he was gonna premiere us in the fall after Louie.
I got to say, even for Hollywood, that is a new low.
No, I didn't I'm not making that up.
I mean, the man's body is not even cold yet.
Are you kidding me? I'm the Senior VP.
And I'm not in there, talking about how I could have his job tomorrow.
I didn't mean it that way.
That's what he said.
He was talking to me about the time slot.
He was, I swear.
- He just told me.
- How dare you.
How dare you.
Shame on you.
He told it to me, I swear.
Tonight, just, like, an hour ago.
We're gonna premiere in the fall right after Louie.
- Are you still - Yeah.
I just have something under my back.
- I really - One last hug, buddy? - I would love that.
- All right.
Did you just stab me? No, what are you, crazy? That was there.
- You're delirious.
- That was not there.
- That was there.
- I'm not ready.
- It's okay.
- I'm not - Here, let me just - Why? - Stop.
- No, it's fine.
You're all right.
Another hug? - Son of a bitch.
- That was there too.
Well, shit.
Bye, I guess.
See you, buddy.
I just Charlie Company.
Hey, it's Sergeant Dempsey.
I had a reservation for two at 7:30.
Make that a single.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Can I ask you a weird question? If history's any guide, yes.
Once this is all over, can I still text you? - Text me? - Yeah.
Like, can I send you a text, out of the blue, on any given occasion? Yes, you can text me.
- And you'll text me back? - I will text you back.
I still remember the first time I ever got a text from you.
It was cool.
It was almost like we were friends.
We are friends.
'Cause for a second there, I wasn't I wasn't so sure.
Julie said something to me the other night that I thought was interesting.
She said that I was starting to feel like I was a father figure to you.
Now, I don't know if she's right or not, but she usually is.
I just asked if I could text you.
You're a cock, you know that? You're an absolute cock.
- I know.
- You are.
What the hell happened to you? I made out with Mitch.
It was weird, but whatever.
Some good news about the time slot, yeah? Time slot? I guess the dude with the goatee told Kristen he's putting us on after Louie.
That's good, right? Guys, 30 seconds.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- After Louie.
- Holy shit.
- This is unbelievable.
It's almost like the universe wanted us to make things right with each other.
And now it's rewarding us.
- That's what I was thinking.
- The same thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Crystal and Josh Gad.
- You ready? - Let's do this.