The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

Get Off the Bus

1 Oh, man, check that out.
It's been years since I've been on a good party bus.
I'm going to drink a whole bottle of tequila by myself.
Yeah, it's gonna be just like spring break, but with air conditioning.
Yeah, and no drunk white boys on the bus, okay? See? Soon as the white boys get drunk, they want to start taking their clothes off and all that.
And speaking of getting drunk, George, this time, don't get drunk and pass out in public.
I'm not trying to end up on TMZ.
I smoked a lot of weed that time, okay? This time, I'm keeping it real 100% alcohol.
Maybe weed.
Speaking of which, did you bring the Domino's Pineapple blunt wraps? - Yeah, they're in there.
- Ahh! - You got the food? - Of course.
Chicken from Prince's, hot and mild, every side imaginable, and dessert from Arnold's.
And the unopened box of silverware and glassware because you never know whose nasty-ass mouth - has been on the shit before you.
- "Befoa" you.
Oh, there's also a medical kit and a defibrillator in there because y'all are several decades away from spring break.
Hold on.
You trying to say we can't turn up the way we used to? I mean, I think you can try.
But, you know, if things go south, just clear! [LAUGHS] I see.
Well, I'm gonna grab my bags.
My flight leaves in an hour.
I'll see y'all in Nashville.
- Sounds good.
- That's cool.
Let's do this thing.
[HORN HONKS] Hey, fellas.
Ed, what the hell is this, man? This is my ride, man.
You like it? We're supposed to go on the bus and all bond.
I love y'all like family, man, but I got a stigma with them busses, man.
It's bad luck.
First time I was on a bus, I found out "Malcolm and Eddie" was canceled, y'all.
Another time I was on the bus, my-ex wife Carla said "Bye, [BLEEP]" and took the house.
Last time I was on the bus, man, I found out Parliament Funkadelic broke up.
Oh, man, I remember that.
The funk was gone.
No, you're not gettin' on the bus.
- So we're good? - We're good.
I'll meet y'all at the venue.
- All right, man.
- Later, dudes.
Before we depart, let's remember the sacred rule of touring on a bus no number twos, okay? No shitting on the bus.
- You're right.
- Everybody knows that.
We're clear on that.
Everybody knows that, unless it's an emergency.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Unless you really gotta go.
No, no, no.
Everybody knows don't do it unless you got to.
I'mma go.
I'mma go, guys.
[THEME MUSIC] 1x02 "Get Off the Bus " Oct 19, 2017 This ass whoopin' gonna be all night.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] I'm twistin' it up right now.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Get down! This blunt is made with fireproof weed.
- CEDRIC: Ahh! - Ahh! Why is it always this fried chicken? I ate so much macaroni and cheese, I put my shit on layaway.
That's what I got.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Give me some of that.
Dump me like that.
Oh, damn! Oh, watch out! [SHOUTING] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] No more Mexican liquor.
Jesus Christ.
Do you know what [UNINTELLIGIBLE] means in Spanish? - DL: What? - Give it to a black guy.
[LAUGHTER] No such thing.
No such thing.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Horrible! [LAUGHTER] Cheers, fellas! This tour was a good idea, bro! You know what? We guys are gonna kill this bitch.
- DL: I remember I had a liver.
- CHARLIE: And now I don't.
[LAUGHTER] Aah! [SNORING] I was all self-conscious 'cause I didn't know if my penis was cool or lame.
I guess you never really know until a chick sees it.
- Hey, pull over right up here.
- Are you sure? That's not on the route, according to Google Maps.
According to Eddie Griffin, pull over right up here.
Oh, I see why you didn't want to ride the bus.
Little side mish, huh? That makes sense.
That whole story about buses being bad luck, that was so crazy.
[LAUGHS] That was so true.
White Terry, you get paid to take Eddie Griffin where Eddie Griffin want to go.
You don't get paid to talk my ear 'til it bleeds.
I'm goin' deaf over here.
- Sorry.
- Huh? [LOUDER] Sorry.
- I can't hear you! - I'm sorry! Keep your eyes on the road.
Don't say nuttin' else.
- It's just - "Silence of the Lambs"! "It puts the lotion on its skin" [COUNTRY MUSIC] Man, I'm draggin'.
[GROANS] So what we do? Somebody order me some coffee or somethin'.
I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? - Oh, leave me alone.
Lower your voice man.
Whatcha gonna do, man? You're gonna go número dos? Oh stop.
GEORGE: That's what we call it dos! Everybody poops, DL.
They wrote a book about it.
You should know.
You're the book guy.
[CHUCKLES] My head is killin' me, man.
Hey, look, could y'all lower your voice? I'm not yelling.
You're yelling.
Hi, excuse me.
I was at the Biscuit Barrel across the street and their bathrooms are really, really crowded.
So I was hoping that you would let me use your restroom.
[RADIO IN BACKGROUND] Se habla inglés? [SPEAKING KOREAN] Oh, oh, uso bathroom-o.
No free toilet.
You rent room.
You you're kidding.
100 dollar.
I'm not paying $100 to use the bathroom.
Here, take the money.
If I didn't have bubble guts, this would not be happening.
You take this money.
Here here you go here you go This is a stereotype.
That's why stuff got real at the riots.
[BELL RINGS] I get it, man.
I just want some coffee, get back on the bus and lay it down.
That's right, that's right.
That's right.
- Stop yelling! - MAN: Lopez! - What? - ¿Qué pasa? It's Troy.
Troy Canning? I play football for Cincinnati, defensive end.
We met at that party last year, remember? Oh, yeah.
Hey, Roy.
What's up, man? - [LAUGHS] - [COUGHS] Aw, my bad.
This is my boy Brock Timland.
What's up? - What's up, bro? - What's up? You guys are a little ways away from Cincinnati.
What are you doing way out here in the boondocks? Man, Brock here just got cut by the team, so me and some of the other players thought we'd take him out for a little hunting trip.
Nothing some hunting and a shit ton of booze can't fix.
[LAUGHTER] You guys wanna party with us? - No, no.
- Aw, come on.
Hey, man, we've been drinking all day.
We're trying to just rejuvenate ourselves at this point.
[LAUGHTER] Dude, you're hilarious, man.
Come on, you can have a beer with your boy, right? You know what? Roy George, don't.
I think we could probably force one down, huh, guys? Boom! That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, boys, let's get some pictures over here.
hey movin in.
Let's make some room for the big boys here! I'm gonna show you fellas how to get wild boy wasted.
[LAUGHTER] We're gonna get lit! Woo! [DOOR KNOCKS] Hey, Eddie.
This is so exciting.
We've been waiting for you.
He's here! [DOG BARKING] You see, it's all connected.
In the Bible, they call them angels.
The angels arrived on a chariot of fire.
The only means of transportation back then was a chariot.
What would you call a spaceship landing with flames coming out the bottom? - You get it? - REX: Yup.
The angels are really the aliens.
Now, we see here in Buenos Aires, here in Alamogordo, as well as Roswell just a month ago, the exact same formation.
That's irrefutable proof, ladies and gentlemen, that they're doing recon missions.
We were right! [APPLAUSE] We were right! Whoa! Just amazing! Rex, Rex, you guys are doing the everyday, boots-on-the-ground hard work.
Keep it up.
The world is counting on you.
Gosh, Eddie, that means the world to us, really.
- Isn't that right, everybody? - ALL: Yeah! We can't tell you how much we appreciate you coming to speak to us.
We got something for you.
We want to present to you thank you, Xena with this token of our thanks.
Here we have the weapon used by Aang in the classic M.
Night Shyamalan film, "The Last Airbender.
" Horrible movie.
Ignore him.
He's a mental midget.
Rex, is this the real one from the movie? Oh, no, it's a replica that I made to look just like the one in the movie.
Rex, my brother, you got skills.
I've done some light cosplay so it's really no big deal.
Well, to each their own.
Thanks, Rex.
You're so welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, as we always, in closing, say chum! Oohhoolakaha shaha! Chum! Oohhoolakaha shaha! - Lay, lay, lay, wawawa.
- Lay, lay, lay, wawawa.
- La, belololo.
- La, belololo.
- Come on, White Terry.
- Come on, White Terry.
- No, not that! - Not that! - [BLEEP], damn! - [BLEEP], damn! - Shit! - Shit! - [GROANS] - Where I'mma go from here, man? Football's all I really know.
Aw, come on, Brock.
I'm sure a guy like you's got plenty of options.
Like what? I can't use computers.
My damn fingers' too big.
I tried to drive an Uber.
Nobody wanted to get in the car with my big ass.
Besides, who would want to get in a small car with me, anyway? Or you could get a car that's bigger than you.
It'd be a start.
Good point, but everybody expect me to read all good and shit.
I believe it's read all well and shit.
BROCK: Well? Well? There's gotta be things you could do.
What about What about being a Chippendales dancer? They pay good money.
The lap dance.
$200 for a lap dance.
What about a manicurist? Yeah, you could be a clothes stretcher.
You know, people that, you know, like their clothes loose.
What about a wrestler? A pro wrestler.
You're a big fella.
It worked for The Rock.
You see what he's doing lately.
I see.
You think my mind not worth anything? No, okay, Brock? No.
Like all I'm good for is goin' around, bashing peoples' heads into somethin'? You think I'm stupid.
That's it? CEDRIC: Okay, bring it in.
Brocker, stop whinin' and chug it up, brother! Come on, Roy.
He's already had a lot, man.
You're an enabler.
That's not a good thing to do.
No, he he he got a point.
No, we come here to party, boy! - You're right! - Yeah! - You're right! - ROY: Ah ha! You're right! Oh no.
- No.
- CEDRIC: [GROANS] Yeah, ha ha! - GEORGE: Come on, man, damn.
- Roy - Ha ha! - Woo! - Yeah! - Woo! Ha! [SHOUTING AND LAUGHING] [NO AUDIBLE SPEECH] Put it down, all right? [LAUGHTER] [TOILET FLUSHING] WOMAN: [MOANING] [MATTRESS SQUEAKING] - I was leaving.
- Join us! Ooh! [BELL RINGS] - Hey, I want my money back.
- No refund.
You let Father Time and one of the Golden Girls have sex in my room.
You say you only need toilet.
That take five minute.
No refund.
They was makin' an old people porno in my room.
[SPEAKING KOREAN] - [LAUGHTER] - I don't know what you said, but I'm pretty sure my answer is [BLEEP] you! [DING] Ooh, ooh, ooh! DL: What are you what the hell? Yeah, you shut the [BLEEP] up! You chain up a black man, there go your Yelp review.
What are you doin' with chains? [SHOUTING] Keep going! Keep going! What about that? You see it? No, keep going, keep going! ROY: You ain't looking in the right spot! Keep going.
- You gotta focus! - Keep going.
George, George, George.
We gotta get out of here, man.
GEORGE: I wanna go, but where's DL? I don't know, man, but people are startin' to videotape this.
If it gets on the web, it's gonna be all about us, man.
These guys play football.
They wear helmets.
We're the famous ones.
We're gonna get blamed for all of this.
I'm outta here.
[LAUGHTER] - Hey, Charlie! - I've seen the light! Let me do you! ROY: Don't be scared, man.
Come on! I've seen the light, man! Don't be scared! Wait, wait, wait.
I'm down to do it, but I really wasn't paying attention.
I'mma need y'all to show me how to do it.
Show me how to do it.
Like like this.
Like this.
[LAUGHTER] That's how you do it? Is that the way to do it? - Not yet! - [GASPS] [SHOUTING] Charlie Murphy! Chug, where you goin'? I had to go.
I was like, hey, look, I see somebody, y'all? Quick, quick, close the door, man! I don't hear nobody comin', man.
CHARLIE: Close the door quick.
Ow! [SHOUTING] What's goin' on? [SHOUTING] Party on the bus! [CHANTING] Party on the bus! Party on the bus! Party on the bus! [CHANTING] Party on the bus! Party on the bus! Woo! [CHANTING] Party on the bus! Party on the bus! I did not know you were into all that alien Illuminati stuff.
You just keep on surprising me, bro.
First off, I ain't your bro, bro.
Second, you sound stupid.
You sound ignorant.
Everybody know Illuminati does some bullshit except you.
Yeah, of course.
I ain't done nuttin' but the butt-naked truth.
Straight, no chaser.
You understand me? Thelonious Monk.
No, you're blind, boy.
You need to use your eyes, you understand.
You play piano? No.
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles did.
They blind mother [BLEEP].
What are you doin' with a driver's license? Hey, it looks like the guys stopped off for a little BB.
- What the hell is BB? - The Biscuit Barrel.
Look, why don't you make a U-turn so we can go on in there? Okay, you bet.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Chained, man.
They got DL chained up, man.
[BLEEP] position.
Come on, White Terry! DL: This is false imprisonment.
It's illegal.
You know you can't do that.
Hey DL, what the hell's goin' on with the handcuffs and shit around here? Thank God you're here.
They made me rent a room to use the bathroom, and then they did this.
You could've just went out in the woods.
He steal! [SPEAKING KOREAN] What the [BLEEP] is y'all problem? [ARGUING] Guys, guys! Hey, hey! I got this.
I got this.
I got this.
I got this.
- Ooh! [LAUGHTER] What happened? I talked them down to a prorated figure of $20.
You negotiated with them? Also, you have to leave a nice review of their motel.
You gotta be kidding me.
Thanks, Abraham Lincoln.
Free at last, free at last.
Praise God Almighty.
Be careful, bro.
You need me, I'm right out here.
If I see another brother in here chained up, I will be back.
You know what? You're horrible people, and I hope this place burns down.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the freaky asses.
- DL, you good? - Yeah, I'm all right.
Old Terry got a mouthpiece on him.
- Yes, he does.
- It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? Man, you're fluent in that shit.
Well, you spend two years in a North Korean labor camp and you learn.
It was a dark two years.
Two years that I will never - You hungry? - I could eat.
Hey, hey! Come here, come here, come here.
What the hell is happening here? - Shh! - Hold the bus! Martin Luther King did all that work and black people still on the back of the bus.
It's like nine football players up there, man.
They're goin' crazy.
They doin' tequila shots.
They doin' steroids.
And that shit don't go together, man.
I don't want the 'roids, but pass me the tequila.
CEDRIC: Call Paul Tagliabue.
Call the NFL, somebody, man.
Hurry up, man.
They're making me do the Nae Nae.
I'm gettin' tired! [SPEAKING SPANISH] Prostate? ¡Ay, dios mío! I've got an idea.
I've got an idea! Get Ray Lewis on the phone.
Get Todd Downing on the phone! [LOUD MUSIC] [SHOUTING] Everybody! Everybody! Everybody! Move it, move it, move it, movie it! - Eddie Griffin? - Back yo drunk ass up! I'm a huge Shut up! Huge fan? I know what a huge fan is, mother [BLEEP].
It's what you need to turn on.
It [BLEEP] smell like goat ass up in this mother [BLEEP].
Hey, come on, y'all, say it! Where y'all at? Charlie! Gracias, Señor Eddie.
Hey, good luck with the job, big fella.
Get up.
Y'all play football, dontcha? Huh? Pass the weed! Give it on over here! Boy, look at that.
Drop! Give me 15 if you wanna stay in this league.
15! You wanna stay in this league? [GRUNTING] Jumping jacks right now! Jumping jacks! I want jumping jacks! Now Nae Nae! Do the Nae Nae.
You can have it! Come on, man.
Let's go.
Buses, I told you, bad luck.
I know, I know.
Let's go.
Get the [BLEEP] outta here.
GEORGE: I didn't think the bus was that bad.
Maybe we should try it again next week.
CEDRIC: I'm with Eddie now.
Buses are bad luck.
DL: So are motels.
CEDRIC: What's wrong with motels? oh , you wouldn't believe the whores I've seen.