The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
No Good Weed
1 [LAUGHTER.]
Man, I wanna play the game.
I know Tyronn Lue, man.
We maybe could try and get some tickets.
WHITE TERRY: Yes, I did! Yes, I did! Yes, I did! Oh boy! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, man, come on.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- White Terry, can you please? - Oh, sorry.
I get a little zoned out when I'm attacking these pigs.
- Pipe the [BLEEP.]
down.
- Okay.
You guys wanna go over this schedule? Nah, schedules are created by white people.
I'm telling you.
They [BLEEP.]
with my creativity, baby.
I don't mess with schedules.
I need my time unconstricted.
- He wants the day off.
- I know.
That's exactly what I meant.
Well, actually, Eddie, you're in luck.
I don't have anything scheduled for you today.
So you know what? This black woman is giving you your freedom papers.
- Why, thank you, Miss Nina.
- You're welcome.
Uh, Miss Nina? Black woman? - Could I have the day off too? - Yes, Mexican man.
Ãrale.
Gracias.
NINA: De nada.
Mucho gusto.
Actually, the only people I have stuff for are Cedric and DL, and they are both with charities.
- One does what one can.
- Not these ones.
Now, you guys are exactly what's wrong in this country, always just helping yourselves, never even thinking about your fellow man.
Okay, wait a minute, tight hat.
I've helped out a lot of people.
Chances are if there's a Lopez in your neighborhood.
I bought the house that they're living in, and the refrigerator on the porch, and that sun-bleached Big Wheel that nobody rides.
[CHUCKLING.]
So don't be trying to put it out there that I don't give back to the community, all right? Just 'cause I don't donate money to big charitable organizations.
I do mine on the low low, okay? Like, one on one with a bum.
That's what I call my moves.
One on one with a bum.
Instead of just getting you the Happy Meal, I get you the supersized meal.
Come on, man.
I mean, it is charity to a degree.
It is, isn't it? It's charity.
You're eating, right? Was you eating before I showed up with a supersize meal? - No.
- I stand corrected.
Okay, DL, so you're meeting with Theodore from the Wish Me Well Foundation, and you have to take him to your radio interview.
I'm honored to help this kid out.
Let me tell you something.
This dude is a big fan.
- He's read both my books.
- Oh, lord.
This little bastard probably loves me more than my real kids.
I pray that isn't true.
Cedric, you are speaking at the youth center.
Oh, they're honoring you for the money that you pledged.
Did you write a speech? I will, of course.
Of course I will.
What are we doing for them again? Helpt to build a school, or get kids off drugs? It's always some kind of scam or whatever.
But what's their angle? Okay, well, I'm gonna give you this pamphlet.
You can read up on these adorable at-risk youth and their scams.
But do me a favor, guys.
Take this seriously.
I'm hoping that the two of you helping out in the community will get us some goodwill that we desperately need.
And it could boost ticket sales.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
Oh, there we are, and their big hearts.
We'll start reading right away.
It's gonna be open bar over there, man? CEDRIC: You know it is.
I was checking that out, Ced.
I think I'm gonna roll with you, because there might be some lonely single mothers, you know? In need.
They may be with their friends, and they might have just taken Molly out before we bump into them.
Why why would they do that? CHARLIE: A lot of things could happen.
So it's the Mothers on Molly program, is what we're trying to help? I can write a speech to that direction.
Please don't.
Oh my golly, your momma's on Molly.
Woo! Let's move off the underprivileged alleged drug use.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a toast to the men of the Comedy Get Down - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- and their warm hearts.
Charity is where the heart is.
- NINA: Is that a thing? - Yeah, I did something.
Woo, level three! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Hey! No outbursts.
It's a big thing for me.
[THEME MUSIC.]
The Comedy Let Down 1x03 "No Good Weed " Oct 26, 2017 Hey, guys.
Just remember that today, these are public events.
- Please be on your best behavior.
- You always tell us that.
I know.
I always have to tell you.
And DL, the radio interview is going to be streamed live on the internet.
And Cedric, there's a press junket before the event.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
All right.
So, see you guys later.
Whoa, where are you going? I told you.
I'm going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
They're doing a Metallica retrospective and Lars Ulrich is gonna be there.
Woo ba da ba da ba da ba, pssh! That's not how a drum sounds.
Stop making up band names.
Don't nobody know them white groups, man.
Looks like your ride is here.
Hey.
- Hey, now you must be Theodore.
- No, I'm Stephen Hawking.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Ouch.
- He's got jokes.
Hi, Theodore.
I'm Nina.
We spoke on the phone.
Did you come here alone or No, I told my driver to wait in the car.
Okay.
Ooh, got a driver.
That's kinda fancy, huh? If you consider a handicap van fancy, then you're not as successful as I thought.
- Boom! Oh! - Wow.
You know, fellas, I think I'm gonna skip lunch and stay here with DL.
I think this is going to be far more entertaining.
Yeah, my name is Charlie Murphy, man.
Pleased to meet you, bro.
I know who you are.
George, Cedric, Eddie.
Oh, you guys crack me up! Oh, thanks, man! He's not contagious, is he? - Come on, man.
- All right, my man! Hey, yo! You got some hand sanitizer? Hey, kiddo.
Nice meeting you, man.
All right, take care, buddy.
All right, you too.
Stay strong, little brother.
Stay strong.
Thanks for your service, man.
Sorry about them IUDs.
They blew you up, man.
They just take 'em too young, DL.
Hey, he's not in the military, man.
So look, Theo.
I got our whole day planned out.
It's Theodore.
Unlike you, I like my whole name.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, okay.
Cool, uh, Theodore.
Well, like I said, I have our whole day planned out.
We'll go to the radio station.
You'll watch me chop it up with one of the country's hottest DJs.
And then we're going to a four star restaurant, have a little dinner.
How does that sound? - Not as good as a strip club.
- I can make that happen.
You can't.
He's a kid.
He said he wants to see some ass.
I like big asses.
They make the pain go away! Make the pain go away! We are not going to see big asses.
We are going to have some good, clean American fun, Theodore.
- Aw, man! - Let's go.
DL's gonna give you the money so you can make it rain.
What? 2, $300? Whatever you want.
Two stacks? Three stacks? Fresh breath for the ladies, Eddie? No, free high for myself, baby.
- What is that? - Medical marijuana.
Fell out of the pocket of the kid I was holding on to.
- They give them the best weed.
- Seriously.
It's not even 10 o'clock, you've already committed a felony.
Misdemeanor.
The most I'd probably do is a year.
I understood the risks.
That's why I took the chance.
That's what all that huggin' was? Let me have that.
Oh! Wow, you want some of this? No, thank you.
You guys already have me taking something for my nerves.
Oh, this works too.
Cedric, do you want some Mountain [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
? No, man.
I'm good.
I need to finish this speech, man.
I want to say something to inspire the kids.
- Oh, so you're into this now? - Of course.
Look, I was messin' around before.
But I know that the words that I say can be inspirational to the kids today.
I may influence the next future president or something.
Exactly.
Or one of these young hoodlums that's about to rob me for my wallet.
But because of my speech, they will be so inspired that they'll rob Eddie instead.
They better have two dogs, two pistols, and a dinosaur.
I cut children.
I stab adults.
Children, they heal fast, so you just cut them.
Yeah.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Cedric, right here! - Guys, I gotta go.
- No, you are too kind.
Yo, man, are you as high as I am? No, I'm cool, Charlie.
Thank you.
You're so full of it.
What? I saw how you lit up when you saw those kids.
You love them.
You love helping people.
All right, I admit it.
I mean, I usually do my philanthropy anonymously, like Batman, you know? So I guess you could say I'm a hero.
And so yes, I do love the kids.
So maybe I should change my name to, uh, Cedric the Child Lover.
- Ooh, no.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
- Not that one.
Mm-mm.
Hold up, what the [BLEEP.]
is this shit? Oh, man, Ced, that's a big-ass check, dude.
Hey, Ced, man, where do you keep your money? In a giant-ass bank? Hold on, hold on.
Look, I donated $10,000, not $100,000.
Man, let's get out of here.
No, no, no.
Hi, everyone.
Thank you for having us.
No problems.
Cedric, the press has already seen that check.
- We cannot leave.
- Damn, you're right.
Thank you.
I normally am.
It's nice of you to recognize.
Look, I know it's a hit, Cedric.
But just like you said, you love the kids.
Yeah, but not $100,000 worth.
I don't even love my own kids $100,000 worth.
I was gonna use that money to buy me a Wingstop.
You want some, man? I want some.
My bad.
No, it goes in my blood faster.
- Here, like that.
- One more.
Welcome back to King Jelly in the Afternoon.
Now, Charlie, before the break, you was tellin' us how DL shared his room with a grown man when he was a kid? He's making it seem like he was a stranger.
He went to church with us.
Brother Waters went to our church.
And our mother was trying to help him out.
By letting him sleep in his room.
[CHUCKLING.]
He couldn't sleep in her room.
It would've been really weird.
I'd have to call him Uncle Brother Waters.
- [BA DUM TSS.]
- No, dude, I get it.
Times was hard, so she let him stay there to make ends meet.
So I did my part by giving up my part of the room.
Sounds like that's not the only thing you gave up.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BAD UM TSS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
- He's talking about your butt.
- Yeah, there we go.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, yeah, I got it, Charlie.
Hey, Wish Me Well Theodore got jokes, man.
He's a funny dude.
Funny builds character.
He reminds me of me when I was young.
He's been hittin' me with zingers all day.
Hey, DL, which one was easier to take, my jokes or Brother Waters? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow, wow, wow, Theo.
I can't believe you're doin' this, man.
How come he get to call you Theo and I don't? Because I like Charlie, and something tells me his first time wasn't with a deacon.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BA DUM TSS.]
Hey, man, look, you guys are all right, but that's all the time we have for the day, man.
So I wanna give a special thanks to my guests Charlie Murphy, DL Hughley, and my man Big Theo for coming through today.
I thought I was gonna get to rip on the NRA.
Hey, speaking of ripping, tell us more about Brother Waters.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
This kid's talkin' about your butt again, man.
- I got it.
- I know.
Oh my God! Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm looking at the email you sent.
- You definitely pledged $100,000.
- Let me see that.
Why do you think I replied "You are the man" with three little dancing girl emojis? Well, because $10,000 is what a man would offer.
Yeah, but for 10, I'm only giving up one emoji.
Really? You and your little private school are starting to show up right now.
Man, how come spellcheck doesn't work on numbers? 'Cause spellcheck doesn't know you're cheap.
Hey, Ced, don't worry about it.
Me and George, we're figuring it all out.
- Check it out.
- Check this out.
- NINA: Oh, Jesus.
- GEORGE: Is that good? - Come on, man, y'all making it worse.
- He's right.
What's wrong with that? Cedric, this is gonna look really bad for you in the press.
I know.
It's gonna look like I voided a check on a bunch of illiterate, drug-addicted, pregnant probation jumpers.
Okay, I hope that is not in your speech, right? Man, would y'all fix this? I do not want these little future felons sneaking up on me, trying to shake me.
Not again.
Not in your speech, I hope.
Forget about that speech.
Nobody care about no speech.
I just wanna know how I'm gonna get my Wingstop.
Hey, how are we gonna get rid of this check? I got an idea, y'all.
Blank check, Ced.
You can fill it in with whatever for homeless people, the dolphins.
You can save all these mother [BLEEP.]
.
[CLAPS.]
Hey, Nightstalker.
Come on, clap.
[APPLAUSE.]
See, Theo, if you wanna get some girls for real, you wanna come into the world of comedy.
Really? Okay, yes.
Singers gotta work too hard.
You gotta sing, dance, roll on the floor, beg.
Comedians, all we gotta do is make 'em go tee hee, then they come and give us their [BLEEP.]
.
No shit! Come on, bring down the vulgarity just a little bit to PG-13.
He's just a kid.
Stop acting like a bitch, DL.
Hey, Theo! No, no.
It's cool.
- It's his day.
- That's right.
And since you're paying, you won't mind if I order another lobster, will you? Nope, not at all.
Like I said, knock yourself out.
It's your day.
That's what I thought.
I'll be back after I empty my colostomy bag, which is still not as full of shit as your latest book.
Why you let dude talk to you like that, man? - Come on, he's a kid.
- Ain't the DL I know.
I mean, the DL I know would've opened up his colostomy bag right here and poured it on his lap.
Look, he's a sick kid, and I'm just trying to set a good example.
Now, I don't think you should have to legislate kindness.
Look, man, it would be a much better world if we all just helped each out every once in a while, although I do not understand why this little [BLEEP.]
wants to [BLEEP.]
for me.
But it's cool.
I got tough skin.
- You got tough skin? - I do.
- So you're okay? - DL: Mm-hmm.
- All right, Mr.
Tough Skin.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna have to start calling you Elephant Man.
- That's my name.
- 'Cause you got tough skin.
DL: Yes, I do.
Although I would not mind if the good lord, in his infinite wisdom, decided to take that little bastard right now.
Every night, a runaway teen sleeps on the streets, risking countless harrowing possibilities arrest, prostitution, assault, and starvation, or illness from dumpster-diving.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Will y'all just chill out? Our outreach will extend further and will keep these children off the streets thanks to heroes like Cedric the Entertainer.
[APPLAUSE.]
Great.
Cedric's a hero.
That's you, Ced.
Hey, it's your turn, man.
HOSTESS: Keep your applause going, please, for our hero, Cedric the Entertainer! [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
Where's the check? Where is the check? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Who's got the check, man? Everybody knows that my money is good.
There's no reason to concern yourselves.
Do you prefer ma'am or miss? We want everyone to have a chance to see it.
[GASPING.]
Oh, man, look at everybody's face.
EDDIE: [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
How about it, guys? How about it? I know you're asking yourselves, why is the check voided? And I see you asking other people also why this check is voided.
Well, why would you void a check? You void that check because you don't want that check to clear, namely because your account's not really full and it can't handle it.
And that's not the case here.
That's not what's going on here.
This check is voided for a very good reason, guys.
And there's a great reason.
It's the reason that I'm gonna tell you right now.
This check is void because of a a [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, man, this is about to get real soon.
My good friends, Eddie Griffin and George Lopez, have decided to match my donation.
[GASPING.]
What the [BLEEP.]
is that? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
CEDRIC: Come on and give it to them, guys! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, thank you! - I never said that.
- I ain't said shit.
Aren't they wonderful? Hey, uh, Theodore? It was a pleasure.
I wanna thank you for choosing me to help make your wish come true.
- I hope you had a good time.
- Not really.
Man, you've been giving me a hard time all day.
Did I do something to offend you? No, actually.
Um, just the opposite.
You wanted him to offend you? As a matter of fact, yes.
You see, all you do is treat me like I'm just some sick kid.
Man, you are sick.
I know, but everyone in my life wants to act like everything's fine.
I thought you would keep it real.
I wanted Def Jam, DL, not Kelly Ripa's cohost.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, man, I really appreciate you being straight with me.
Now I wanna be straight with you.
First, I'm really sorry you're sick.
I can't even imagine how scary it is, knowing what's ahead.
And second, and the most important, you're a [BLEEP.]
asshole.
All right, finally! That's the DL I was lookin' for! Oh, now Mr.
My Left Foot is happy.
- Nice! - You know what? You think that's good, I got a better one for you.
You're so [BLEEP.]
up, you need a wheelchair ramp to get on to the wheelchair ramp.
Booyah! Now I'm having fun.
You know, I got some sweet medicinal marijuana spray.
You guys down? Uh, yeah, if it's good.
It's so good, sometimes I forget I can't walk.
Break it on out.
Break it on out.
THEODORE: All right, all right! Where Is there a problem? Yeah, where where is my pot spray? Eddie [BLEEP.]
Griffin.
[BLEEP.]
Eddie! - Charity work is exhausting.
- Yeah, and expensive.
Yeah, man, for what we spent, we could've bought a kid.
I'm high, but I think that's bad, George.
I know it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, but I'm glad we all gave back.
Now we gotta find another sick kid.
[LAUGHTER.]
Man, I wanna play the game.
I know Tyronn Lue, man.
We maybe could try and get some tickets.
WHITE TERRY: Yes, I did! Yes, I did! Yes, I did! Oh boy! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, man, come on.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- White Terry, can you please? - Oh, sorry.
I get a little zoned out when I'm attacking these pigs.
- Pipe the [BLEEP.]
down.
- Okay.
You guys wanna go over this schedule? Nah, schedules are created by white people.
I'm telling you.
They [BLEEP.]
with my creativity, baby.
I don't mess with schedules.
I need my time unconstricted.
- He wants the day off.
- I know.
That's exactly what I meant.
Well, actually, Eddie, you're in luck.
I don't have anything scheduled for you today.
So you know what? This black woman is giving you your freedom papers.
- Why, thank you, Miss Nina.
- You're welcome.
Uh, Miss Nina? Black woman? - Could I have the day off too? - Yes, Mexican man.
Ãrale.
Gracias.
NINA: De nada.
Mucho gusto.
Actually, the only people I have stuff for are Cedric and DL, and they are both with charities.
- One does what one can.
- Not these ones.
Now, you guys are exactly what's wrong in this country, always just helping yourselves, never even thinking about your fellow man.
Okay, wait a minute, tight hat.
I've helped out a lot of people.
Chances are if there's a Lopez in your neighborhood.
I bought the house that they're living in, and the refrigerator on the porch, and that sun-bleached Big Wheel that nobody rides.
[CHUCKLING.]
So don't be trying to put it out there that I don't give back to the community, all right? Just 'cause I don't donate money to big charitable organizations.
I do mine on the low low, okay? Like, one on one with a bum.
That's what I call my moves.
One on one with a bum.
Instead of just getting you the Happy Meal, I get you the supersized meal.
Come on, man.
I mean, it is charity to a degree.
It is, isn't it? It's charity.
You're eating, right? Was you eating before I showed up with a supersize meal? - No.
- I stand corrected.
Okay, DL, so you're meeting with Theodore from the Wish Me Well Foundation, and you have to take him to your radio interview.
I'm honored to help this kid out.
Let me tell you something.
This dude is a big fan.
- He's read both my books.
- Oh, lord.
This little bastard probably loves me more than my real kids.
I pray that isn't true.
Cedric, you are speaking at the youth center.
Oh, they're honoring you for the money that you pledged.
Did you write a speech? I will, of course.
Of course I will.
What are we doing for them again? Helpt to build a school, or get kids off drugs? It's always some kind of scam or whatever.
But what's their angle? Okay, well, I'm gonna give you this pamphlet.
You can read up on these adorable at-risk youth and their scams.
But do me a favor, guys.
Take this seriously.
I'm hoping that the two of you helping out in the community will get us some goodwill that we desperately need.
And it could boost ticket sales.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
Oh, there we are, and their big hearts.
We'll start reading right away.
It's gonna be open bar over there, man? CEDRIC: You know it is.
I was checking that out, Ced.
I think I'm gonna roll with you, because there might be some lonely single mothers, you know? In need.
They may be with their friends, and they might have just taken Molly out before we bump into them.
Why why would they do that? CHARLIE: A lot of things could happen.
So it's the Mothers on Molly program, is what we're trying to help? I can write a speech to that direction.
Please don't.
Oh my golly, your momma's on Molly.
Woo! Let's move off the underprivileged alleged drug use.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a toast to the men of the Comedy Get Down - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- and their warm hearts.
Charity is where the heart is.
- NINA: Is that a thing? - Yeah, I did something.
Woo, level three! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Hey! No outbursts.
It's a big thing for me.
[THEME MUSIC.]
The Comedy Let Down 1x03 "No Good Weed " Oct 26, 2017 Hey, guys.
Just remember that today, these are public events.
- Please be on your best behavior.
- You always tell us that.
I know.
I always have to tell you.
And DL, the radio interview is going to be streamed live on the internet.
And Cedric, there's a press junket before the event.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
All right.
So, see you guys later.
Whoa, where are you going? I told you.
I'm going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
They're doing a Metallica retrospective and Lars Ulrich is gonna be there.
Woo ba da ba da ba da ba, pssh! That's not how a drum sounds.
Stop making up band names.
Don't nobody know them white groups, man.
Looks like your ride is here.
Hey.
- Hey, now you must be Theodore.
- No, I'm Stephen Hawking.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Ouch.
- He's got jokes.
Hi, Theodore.
I'm Nina.
We spoke on the phone.
Did you come here alone or No, I told my driver to wait in the car.
Okay.
Ooh, got a driver.
That's kinda fancy, huh? If you consider a handicap van fancy, then you're not as successful as I thought.
- Boom! Oh! - Wow.
You know, fellas, I think I'm gonna skip lunch and stay here with DL.
I think this is going to be far more entertaining.
Yeah, my name is Charlie Murphy, man.
Pleased to meet you, bro.
I know who you are.
George, Cedric, Eddie.
Oh, you guys crack me up! Oh, thanks, man! He's not contagious, is he? - Come on, man.
- All right, my man! Hey, yo! You got some hand sanitizer? Hey, kiddo.
Nice meeting you, man.
All right, take care, buddy.
All right, you too.
Stay strong, little brother.
Stay strong.
Thanks for your service, man.
Sorry about them IUDs.
They blew you up, man.
They just take 'em too young, DL.
Hey, he's not in the military, man.
So look, Theo.
I got our whole day planned out.
It's Theodore.
Unlike you, I like my whole name.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, okay.
Cool, uh, Theodore.
Well, like I said, I have our whole day planned out.
We'll go to the radio station.
You'll watch me chop it up with one of the country's hottest DJs.
And then we're going to a four star restaurant, have a little dinner.
How does that sound? - Not as good as a strip club.
- I can make that happen.
You can't.
He's a kid.
He said he wants to see some ass.
I like big asses.
They make the pain go away! Make the pain go away! We are not going to see big asses.
We are going to have some good, clean American fun, Theodore.
- Aw, man! - Let's go.
DL's gonna give you the money so you can make it rain.
What? 2, $300? Whatever you want.
Two stacks? Three stacks? Fresh breath for the ladies, Eddie? No, free high for myself, baby.
- What is that? - Medical marijuana.
Fell out of the pocket of the kid I was holding on to.
- They give them the best weed.
- Seriously.
It's not even 10 o'clock, you've already committed a felony.
Misdemeanor.
The most I'd probably do is a year.
I understood the risks.
That's why I took the chance.
That's what all that huggin' was? Let me have that.
Oh! Wow, you want some of this? No, thank you.
You guys already have me taking something for my nerves.
Oh, this works too.
Cedric, do you want some Mountain [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
? No, man.
I'm good.
I need to finish this speech, man.
I want to say something to inspire the kids.
- Oh, so you're into this now? - Of course.
Look, I was messin' around before.
But I know that the words that I say can be inspirational to the kids today.
I may influence the next future president or something.
Exactly.
Or one of these young hoodlums that's about to rob me for my wallet.
But because of my speech, they will be so inspired that they'll rob Eddie instead.
They better have two dogs, two pistols, and a dinosaur.
I cut children.
I stab adults.
Children, they heal fast, so you just cut them.
Yeah.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Cedric, right here! - Guys, I gotta go.
- No, you are too kind.
Yo, man, are you as high as I am? No, I'm cool, Charlie.
Thank you.
You're so full of it.
What? I saw how you lit up when you saw those kids.
You love them.
You love helping people.
All right, I admit it.
I mean, I usually do my philanthropy anonymously, like Batman, you know? So I guess you could say I'm a hero.
And so yes, I do love the kids.
So maybe I should change my name to, uh, Cedric the Child Lover.
- Ooh, no.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
- Not that one.
Mm-mm.
Hold up, what the [BLEEP.]
is this shit? Oh, man, Ced, that's a big-ass check, dude.
Hey, Ced, man, where do you keep your money? In a giant-ass bank? Hold on, hold on.
Look, I donated $10,000, not $100,000.
Man, let's get out of here.
No, no, no.
Hi, everyone.
Thank you for having us.
No problems.
Cedric, the press has already seen that check.
- We cannot leave.
- Damn, you're right.
Thank you.
I normally am.
It's nice of you to recognize.
Look, I know it's a hit, Cedric.
But just like you said, you love the kids.
Yeah, but not $100,000 worth.
I don't even love my own kids $100,000 worth.
I was gonna use that money to buy me a Wingstop.
You want some, man? I want some.
My bad.
No, it goes in my blood faster.
- Here, like that.
- One more.
Welcome back to King Jelly in the Afternoon.
Now, Charlie, before the break, you was tellin' us how DL shared his room with a grown man when he was a kid? He's making it seem like he was a stranger.
He went to church with us.
Brother Waters went to our church.
And our mother was trying to help him out.
By letting him sleep in his room.
[CHUCKLING.]
He couldn't sleep in her room.
It would've been really weird.
I'd have to call him Uncle Brother Waters.
- [BA DUM TSS.]
- No, dude, I get it.
Times was hard, so she let him stay there to make ends meet.
So I did my part by giving up my part of the room.
Sounds like that's not the only thing you gave up.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BAD UM TSS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
- He's talking about your butt.
- Yeah, there we go.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, yeah, I got it, Charlie.
Hey, Wish Me Well Theodore got jokes, man.
He's a funny dude.
Funny builds character.
He reminds me of me when I was young.
He's been hittin' me with zingers all day.
Hey, DL, which one was easier to take, my jokes or Brother Waters? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow, wow, wow, Theo.
I can't believe you're doin' this, man.
How come he get to call you Theo and I don't? Because I like Charlie, and something tells me his first time wasn't with a deacon.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BA DUM TSS.]
Hey, man, look, you guys are all right, but that's all the time we have for the day, man.
So I wanna give a special thanks to my guests Charlie Murphy, DL Hughley, and my man Big Theo for coming through today.
I thought I was gonna get to rip on the NRA.
Hey, speaking of ripping, tell us more about Brother Waters.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
This kid's talkin' about your butt again, man.
- I got it.
- I know.
Oh my God! Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm looking at the email you sent.
- You definitely pledged $100,000.
- Let me see that.
Why do you think I replied "You are the man" with three little dancing girl emojis? Well, because $10,000 is what a man would offer.
Yeah, but for 10, I'm only giving up one emoji.
Really? You and your little private school are starting to show up right now.
Man, how come spellcheck doesn't work on numbers? 'Cause spellcheck doesn't know you're cheap.
Hey, Ced, don't worry about it.
Me and George, we're figuring it all out.
- Check it out.
- Check this out.
- NINA: Oh, Jesus.
- GEORGE: Is that good? - Come on, man, y'all making it worse.
- He's right.
What's wrong with that? Cedric, this is gonna look really bad for you in the press.
I know.
It's gonna look like I voided a check on a bunch of illiterate, drug-addicted, pregnant probation jumpers.
Okay, I hope that is not in your speech, right? Man, would y'all fix this? I do not want these little future felons sneaking up on me, trying to shake me.
Not again.
Not in your speech, I hope.
Forget about that speech.
Nobody care about no speech.
I just wanna know how I'm gonna get my Wingstop.
Hey, how are we gonna get rid of this check? I got an idea, y'all.
Blank check, Ced.
You can fill it in with whatever for homeless people, the dolphins.
You can save all these mother [BLEEP.]
.
[CLAPS.]
Hey, Nightstalker.
Come on, clap.
[APPLAUSE.]
See, Theo, if you wanna get some girls for real, you wanna come into the world of comedy.
Really? Okay, yes.
Singers gotta work too hard.
You gotta sing, dance, roll on the floor, beg.
Comedians, all we gotta do is make 'em go tee hee, then they come and give us their [BLEEP.]
.
No shit! Come on, bring down the vulgarity just a little bit to PG-13.
He's just a kid.
Stop acting like a bitch, DL.
Hey, Theo! No, no.
It's cool.
- It's his day.
- That's right.
And since you're paying, you won't mind if I order another lobster, will you? Nope, not at all.
Like I said, knock yourself out.
It's your day.
That's what I thought.
I'll be back after I empty my colostomy bag, which is still not as full of shit as your latest book.
Why you let dude talk to you like that, man? - Come on, he's a kid.
- Ain't the DL I know.
I mean, the DL I know would've opened up his colostomy bag right here and poured it on his lap.
Look, he's a sick kid, and I'm just trying to set a good example.
Now, I don't think you should have to legislate kindness.
Look, man, it would be a much better world if we all just helped each out every once in a while, although I do not understand why this little [BLEEP.]
wants to [BLEEP.]
for me.
But it's cool.
I got tough skin.
- You got tough skin? - I do.
- So you're okay? - DL: Mm-hmm.
- All right, Mr.
Tough Skin.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna have to start calling you Elephant Man.
- That's my name.
- 'Cause you got tough skin.
DL: Yes, I do.
Although I would not mind if the good lord, in his infinite wisdom, decided to take that little bastard right now.
Every night, a runaway teen sleeps on the streets, risking countless harrowing possibilities arrest, prostitution, assault, and starvation, or illness from dumpster-diving.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Will y'all just chill out? Our outreach will extend further and will keep these children off the streets thanks to heroes like Cedric the Entertainer.
[APPLAUSE.]
Great.
Cedric's a hero.
That's you, Ced.
Hey, it's your turn, man.
HOSTESS: Keep your applause going, please, for our hero, Cedric the Entertainer! [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
Where's the check? Where is the check? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Who's got the check, man? Everybody knows that my money is good.
There's no reason to concern yourselves.
Do you prefer ma'am or miss? We want everyone to have a chance to see it.
[GASPING.]
Oh, man, look at everybody's face.
EDDIE: [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
How about it, guys? How about it? I know you're asking yourselves, why is the check voided? And I see you asking other people also why this check is voided.
Well, why would you void a check? You void that check because you don't want that check to clear, namely because your account's not really full and it can't handle it.
And that's not the case here.
That's not what's going on here.
This check is voided for a very good reason, guys.
And there's a great reason.
It's the reason that I'm gonna tell you right now.
This check is void because of a a [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, man, this is about to get real soon.
My good friends, Eddie Griffin and George Lopez, have decided to match my donation.
[GASPING.]
What the [BLEEP.]
is that? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
CEDRIC: Come on and give it to them, guys! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, thank you! - I never said that.
- I ain't said shit.
Aren't they wonderful? Hey, uh, Theodore? It was a pleasure.
I wanna thank you for choosing me to help make your wish come true.
- I hope you had a good time.
- Not really.
Man, you've been giving me a hard time all day.
Did I do something to offend you? No, actually.
Um, just the opposite.
You wanted him to offend you? As a matter of fact, yes.
You see, all you do is treat me like I'm just some sick kid.
Man, you are sick.
I know, but everyone in my life wants to act like everything's fine.
I thought you would keep it real.
I wanted Def Jam, DL, not Kelly Ripa's cohost.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, man, I really appreciate you being straight with me.
Now I wanna be straight with you.
First, I'm really sorry you're sick.
I can't even imagine how scary it is, knowing what's ahead.
And second, and the most important, you're a [BLEEP.]
asshole.
All right, finally! That's the DL I was lookin' for! Oh, now Mr.
My Left Foot is happy.
- Nice! - You know what? You think that's good, I got a better one for you.
You're so [BLEEP.]
up, you need a wheelchair ramp to get on to the wheelchair ramp.
Booyah! Now I'm having fun.
You know, I got some sweet medicinal marijuana spray.
You guys down? Uh, yeah, if it's good.
It's so good, sometimes I forget I can't walk.
Break it on out.
Break it on out.
THEODORE: All right, all right! Where Is there a problem? Yeah, where where is my pot spray? Eddie [BLEEP.]
Griffin.
[BLEEP.]
Eddie! - Charity work is exhausting.
- Yeah, and expensive.
Yeah, man, for what we spent, we could've bought a kid.
I'm high, but I think that's bad, George.
I know it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, but I'm glad we all gave back.
Now we gotta find another sick kid.
[LAUGHTER.]