The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
No Tickets No Peace
1 Do you think the VIP is gonna have regular-sized sandwiches? The little sandwiches they have, they don't be doin' it for a brother.
Why don't you just eat a bunch of those? The bread-to-meat ratio is whack, that's why.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Oh, man, it's Cedric the Entertainer.
[LAUGHTER.]
Eric Dickerson, the legendary football player.
- What's up, man? - How are you doing? You know Charlie, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Big fan.
- Pleased to meet you, bro.
- Big fan of yours too.
Watched you walk off people's space for years, bro.
Man, I ain't seen you since I beat your butt in that celebrity golf tournament a year ago.
You sure about that, that's what happened? Oh, you need me to pull the scorecard out to prove it? I got it at the house in a frame in my office.
He ain't joking either.
He got it with a little light shining on it.
I heard you guys killing on tour.
- Aw, yeah.
- What you doin' in Dallas? - I got an aunt that lives here.
- You know, family stuff.
Hey, think you can hook me up with a couple tickets? - I don't see why not.
- You know I'll take care of you, now.
- Okay.
- You know.
- You got me? - You got it.
I'm gonna give you a couple tickets to the game, that platinum wristband, drinks, appetizers.
- Oh, yeah! - [BLEEP.]
! I love them appetizers there 'cause they got the grilled fried pickles.
So they grill 'em and then they fry 'em.
You know, you're gonna get 'em in this batter with a light batter and a Cajun dusting on it.
Man, you can get this at the game only.
- Swag.
- T-shirts.
It'd be all that.
All the gifts.
The funny glasses? Okay? Okay? - All right, man.
- There you go, man.
Consider it done, baby.
ED! I got a question for you, bro.
How come you givin' away free stuff to a multimillionaire? - It's Eric Dickerson, man.
- Dude a legend.
I mean, I'm not gonna disrespect him like that.
Plus, it's okay to give out tickets to friends, family, or whatever.
Plus, he givin' me tickets.
You heard what he said.
He givin' me the platinum package.
Quid pro quo, man.
Ain't nuttin' wrong with that, Charlie.
You're slidin' down a slippery slope, bro.
What you talkin' about? I went through this with my sister.
She asked me for free tickets.
I told her no.
- No? - That's right.
You're gonna have to learn how to do the same thing.
Tell people no.
And once you learn how to say no, then that's when you have to start practicing saying hell no.
And your sister was okay with this? I really don't know.
I haven't talked to [BLEEP.]
in the last three years.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x04 "No Tickets No Peace " Nov 2, 2017 [LIVELY CHATTER.]
Guys, we have a problem.
Yeah, we do have a problem.
White Terry lost my Bluetooth again.
We have bigger issues, okay? That stuff you said last night to the paparazzi? - Me? - Yah.
It made a lot of people upset.
- What stuff, DL? - Right here.
- MAN: DL, DL, big fan.
- Hey, man.
MAN: What do you think about Caitlyn Jenner? I don't think about Caitlyn Jenner at all.
MAN: She is a very beautiful woman, you know.
Beautiful woman? To me, she look kinda like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
It's kinda hard for me to see beauty with [BLEEP.]
poking through your nightgown.
That's a little rough.
[ALL CHATTER.]
I can't help it she's strong faced.
[LAUGHTER.]
And it's exactly attitudes like that that have HAAPPY organizing a blackout against us.
- HAAPPY? - Who's HAAPPY? It's a lesbian/gay/transgender rights group.
You mean GLAAD? HAAPPY Homosexual Alliance Against Perpetuating Phobias of Yesteryear? Oh, these gay people gonna run out of initials.
Think of it this way, HAAPPY is like GLAAD's drama filled cousin that watches a lot of reality TV and loves to yell back at the screen.
And they have come out swinging by organizing this blackout.
What's a blackout? - It sounds racist to me, George.
- Yah.
I'mma run to the mall and get me a new Bluetooth.
- Can we go to the food court? - I'm goin' there myself.
Sweet.
A blackout is a different way to protest.
Basically, they go to businesses and say, hey, do you want their business or our business? What if our vendors choose their business over our business? We might have to shut down the show.
Cancel? Come on.
There's gotta be a better way to fix it.
Why don't we just get other people to work? We can stop by the parking lot of any home improvement center and pick up a couple of George's cousins.
- Oh! - There you go.
Again, you can't say stuff like that.
It offends people.
Ofcourse, I can be offensive, as long as it's funny.
And I'm always both.
- That's right.
- We're comedians.
We shouldn't be held to the same standards as normal people.
- Well, HAAPPY disagrees.
- And you know what? So do about 20 protestors who are standing outside, preventing our vendors from getting in and setting up for the venue tonight.
I hate to say this, but if this isn't handled quickly and quietly, we're gonna have to postpone until things calm down.
Think about what happens when we get up to San Francisco.
Look, I don't wanna mess this up for you cats.
- I'll step off.
- No, no, no.
Look, I'm gonna put an end to all the protesting right now.
I'm composing a tweet.
Check this out.
"We tell jokes, people.
"DL and The Comedy Get Down crew "loves and supports all of our LGBT brothers and sisters.
" Wow, that was really nice.
And I was gonna end it with because it's 140 character limit "So get off our backs, chimichanga nibblers.
" And I put "#blacklivesmatter" for you guys.
- Oh, please.
- That's way over.
- NINA: It's not the - It's 192 right there.
Stop! What's with the metal detector? Is this about the people from HAAPPY? Because I thought my tweet settled them down.
It did a little, but it infuriated Moms in Arms.
They're an ultraconservative family rights group.
According to them, that tweet was promoting alternative lifestyles.
Are you kidding me? Wait a minute, we're gonna be on the inside and the protests are gonna be outside.
- Why do we need metal detectors? - It's the venue's protocol.
- So what now? - So now we either get shut down because the protestors cause a security hazard or because more vendors pull out, unless someone cleans up this mess.
Oh, because I'm Mexican, I gotta clean it up.
All right, I'm Mexican too.
I can cut all these tires.
Hey! Don't try to play me.
This way.
We're the artists.
We're not a threat.
Yeah, I thought that too until I did security at a Katt Williams show.
- Over here.
- This is just set for metal? It don't pick up oregano or baked Just metal.
[DETECTOR BEEPS.]
- I got my phone.
- Let me see.
Uh, forgot I went to a little soul food restaurant early.
Had some really nice forks on there.
I got oh, got these batteries.
Still got a beeper.
Hit me on my thing.
And about there's, like, 19 cent.
It's probably just my jewelry, though.
I don't care.
Where's Charlie Murphy? He on his way.
He got a girl? Because I heard he's real freaky.
I wouldn't know about that.
Look, can I go now? I'm gonna leave the batteries.
You can use them.
You're a little freaky yourself.
NINA: Okay, I'll tell him.
Will call's having some issues with Eric's comp tickets.
What's wrong? MAN (ON RADIO): Hey, I have someone here from the moms group to speak to George.
Should I send them to his room? Hey, what's up with the tickets? No, wait.
I need to speak to George first.
And can someone please tell me if there's a conference room in this building? Okay, you know what? I'll just go handle the Eric ticket situation.
Thank you.
Hey, yo, man, what the hell is this? [CHUCKLES.]
They can't protect a dog from fleas, or a scalp from dandruff.
Just some metaphors I'm putting together for my act.
How would you feel if I called you an ugly woman, huh? That's a lot better than what they call me on Fox News.
Not everything is a joke, all right, Mr.
Comedian? Oh, you're so funny, huh? That was like putting lighter fluid on a forest fire, bro.
You burned the joint down, man.
You burned it down! Awesome.
That was Hold up, Charlie Murphy.
Random check, come on.
Hold your arms up.
Spread those legs for me, come on.
- Hey, what's up? - What's the - Whoa! - I knew you'd be packin'.
You're not supposed to touch me like that.
You shouldn't be working here.
Hey, excuse me.
Is there an issue with Eric Dickerson's tickets? Talk to them.
Charlie, what are you doin' out there, man? Here's the generous man himself.
He believes in charity and all things of that nature.
Oh, good.
Hi, I'm Caldonia, Eric's aunt.
You must be "Cee-dric" the Entetainer.
You have tickets for us.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Actually, it's "Ceh-dric.
" "Po-tay-to," "po-tah-ta.
" Actually, it's "Po-tay-ta.
" - Where's Eric? - Oh, he'll be here.
But I hope you're not gonna make an old lady wait.
At my age, the only thing worth waiting for is Jesus and a kiss from Denzel.
Why are all the big girls so horny down here in Dallas? - Excuse me? - No, I'm on it.
Let me, uh We got tickets for Eric Dickerson? This is it? Here you go, babe.
One, two.
"Cee-dric," we're gonna need way more than two.
- Come on, y'all.
- Ced got you.
See more of Eric's family! - Oh, hell, no.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- Ticket sales lookin' good? - Sold out.
Our whole tour is sold out, you know what I'm sayin'? - This is the Get Down.
- All right, of course.
Oh.
.
[BLEEP.]
, no! I ain't goin' in there, man! Remember, Nina said the venue may need some more security as a precaution because of the protestors.
That's what they want you to think.
Like, they want you to think there's a place called Delaware.
You ever seen somebody from Delaware? Well, actually, Vice President Joe Biden is from Delaware.
Is he really? Have you seen that mother [BLEEP.]
birth certificate? - No.
- I didn't think so.
I ain't goin' through here, man.
You understand me? I got a phobia.
I ain't no terrorist.
You're gonna have to do somethin', you know what I'm sayin'? I mean, Eddie, you have a show.
No show! Make it happen, you understand me? - Make it happen.
- Okay, yeah.
No, it's worse.
The protestors have formed a human blockade at the entrance.
But the leaders of both groups have agreed to move their people if you'll speak with them.
Okay, but I'm not apologizing.
He's right.
Apologizing is accepting censorship.
I was willing to back out and take the heat, but I'm never willing to back down and do something I don't want to do.
That's how I ended up doing "Soul Plane.
" You did "Soul Plane"? My wife needed hardwood floors.
Look, you're right, okay? You can't compromise your beliefs.
You can't apologize.
But maybe you can use your charm, right? Get them to love you the way everyone loves you.
Nice smile, George.
Hello, mothers.
LBGT, I'm guessing you're Q.
I just wanted you to know that "Orange is the New Black" is my favorite show.
I love it.
And, well, look.
We tell jokes.
It's what we do.
That's right.
That's what we do.
Okay, I enjoy a laugh as much as the next guy, but there's a line.
But we're comedians, ma'am.
And you know, sometimes, we're gonna cross that line? Ma'am? No.
I do not gender identify nor subscribe to the heteronormative binary, okay? You can refer to me as a person or by my chosen name, Zenith.
Zenith? What, is Magnavox taken? [LAUGHS.]
No? Okay, alright.
.
look, Show of hands, who all here is with Eric Dickerson's family? Who is this dude? Oh, that's my daughter's babydaddy.
She wanted her kids to have good hair.
Here you go, my man.
All right, y'all, I got one ticket left.
I'll take that.
Are you serious? Come on.
- You go down.
- I'm going down.
- Okay, go back.
- Go back.
- Got it, got it.
- Thanks, man.
Okay, that's it.
CHARLIE: Hey, Ced, look who I found.
More of Eric's family! What? - Step right up, y'all.
- Step right up.
Give me a couple of more tickets.
Sorry, you're all out of comps.
You're gonna have to buy more tickets.
- Fine, you know what? - I'll pay for them.
Go ahead, how much is it? CASHIER: That'll be $654.
$600? That's an expensive show right here.
To everybody but the Dickersons.
[CHEERING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
All right, all right, okay.
Do you got any more shrimp cocktail? You ate it all.
Good.
Okay.
Excuse me for a second.
Hey, uh, Caldonia, when is Eric gonna get here? I told you he was running a little late.
Why are you worrying man? He said you was gonna take care of us the way he was gonna take care of you.
- Ain't that right? - You're right.
Look at you, man.
You runnin' around here, takin' care of folks.
You remind me of Forest Whitaker.
What's that movie he played where he played the butler? "The Butler.
" Oh.
No, man, I ain't nothin' like that.
I'm just over here teaching Aunt Caldonia how to Milly Rock, right? Hey, where you get them chicken fingers from? All he had was some undercooked vegetables.
Actually, they're steamed vegetables.
You know they're healthier for you.
I use steam to get the wrinkles out of my choir robe, not cook.
You need to get some real food up in here, "Cee-dric.
" Yes, some real food, "Cee-dric.
" - Pizza.
- Pizza? Pizza.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Pizza! Pizza! Okay, all right, everybody.
I'll get pizza for everybody.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
Hey, yo, yo, bro! What are you doin' in my jacket? - We're the same size, dawg.
- No, we're not.
- I think the shoes fit, man.
- You think so? [JACKET RIPS.]
Oh.
My bad, fam.
No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! BOTH: No justice, no peace! Get with it, man! Please, please understand that as comedians, we're equal opportunists.
Everyone can and will get roasted.
Take, for instance, George's haircut.
Look how [BLEEP.]
up it is.
It looks like Charlie Sheen after he went batshit crazy.
[LAUGHTER.]
You see what I did? I got a laugh, and yet I still brought attention to mental illness and HIV.
That's true.
Is my hair [BLEEP.]
up? No, no.
The point is, everyone is fair game.
And it doesn't matter to us whether you call yourself he or she.
That's your choice.
We don't judge.
God made that choice.
If you're born a boy, you're a he.
Oh, is that so? Yeah, listen, can we just play nice So you don't think someone should have a sex change? God no! It's unnatural.
GEORGE: Zenith, get over there.
Don't act that way with that I say labels are unnecessary.
- Yes, they are.
- That's right.
You're sick.
You're unnatural.
[ARGUING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, hello, Nina.
What's going on? Well, we got them arguing and so mad at each other, they forgot about protesting our show.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, perfect! Thank you.
All right, now, don't cause any more trouble today.
You're gonna push me to brown liquor.
And I am too cute to be a drunk.
We're taking the stage in 15! She's good, but not as good as we are.
- Nobody's as good as us.
- That's true.
How can this be racist? They're black.
Massa always gets one to keep the rest of us in line.
You ain't never seen "Django"? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
I've tried everything.
He won't budge.
You tell him that I don't have time to deal with this because I had to break up that fistfight that George and DL instigated and order a bunch of pizzas for everyone in Ced's dressing room.
And now what? He doesn't want to be treated like a criminal? This from the man who was banned from a Dippin' Dots? You tell him to get his ass in here right now.
Say it just like that.
She says, please go through, Eddie.
Ha! I can't with this right now.
No, he is literally taking years off my life.
You deal with it.
She hung up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Look, he is never going through there.
- I'm just doin' my job.
- And I'm trying to do mine.
So tell me, how can I get him inside without going through the detector? Maybe we can make an arrangement.
I'm listening.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yo, the show's on in, like, five minutes, bro.
You know what? You're right.
That's it.
That's it right here.
Aunt Caldonia, seriously, where is Eric? I didn't tell you.
He wasn't gonna make it after all.
He said to give you this.
Thanks for everything, "Cee-dric.
" [LAUGHS.]
Eric Dickerson's platinum tickets, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout right here.
What is it, one ticket? You know what? That's all right.
I actually like going to the football game by myself.
Section 230 preseason? What the hell? Hold on, man.
What is this shit? Yeah, I think I can squeeze into this.
All right, you know what? Everybody out.
Everybody get the [BLEEP.]
out! All of you! Everybody named Dickerson get out of this room! Get the [BLEEP.]
outta here! Get outta here! By the way, guys, enjoy the show, okay? I hope you enjoy the show.
Thanks.
Don't no, don't even say it.
I told you, baby.
You need to stop trying to be so nice to people man.
You see what they did? They got your blood pressure up there, see? Oh, my jacket! Man, dang it all! Can somebody get a thimble? GEORGE: You see, the problem with the world right now is that everything you hear, you have to like.
That's not the world.
It creates small minds.
It creates small thinkers.
And I'm not talking about midget [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
You think that's funny, Jake? Now we're gonna have the little people on us.
EDDIE: I believe the PC term is vertically challenged little mother [BLEEP.]
.
Eddie, thank goodness.
I didn't think you were gonna go through security.
I didn't have to.
- Then how - White Terry cut a deal.
- You don't wanna know.
- I I think I do.
[SEXY MUSIC.]
Charlie Murphy.
I was promised I could search you all night.
You ain't supposed to be back here.
Security! Security's already here, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Why don't you just eat a bunch of those? The bread-to-meat ratio is whack, that's why.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Oh, man, it's Cedric the Entertainer.
[LAUGHTER.]
Eric Dickerson, the legendary football player.
- What's up, man? - How are you doing? You know Charlie, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Big fan.
- Pleased to meet you, bro.
- Big fan of yours too.
Watched you walk off people's space for years, bro.
Man, I ain't seen you since I beat your butt in that celebrity golf tournament a year ago.
You sure about that, that's what happened? Oh, you need me to pull the scorecard out to prove it? I got it at the house in a frame in my office.
He ain't joking either.
He got it with a little light shining on it.
I heard you guys killing on tour.
- Aw, yeah.
- What you doin' in Dallas? - I got an aunt that lives here.
- You know, family stuff.
Hey, think you can hook me up with a couple tickets? - I don't see why not.
- You know I'll take care of you, now.
- Okay.
- You know.
- You got me? - You got it.
I'm gonna give you a couple tickets to the game, that platinum wristband, drinks, appetizers.
- Oh, yeah! - [BLEEP.]
! I love them appetizers there 'cause they got the grilled fried pickles.
So they grill 'em and then they fry 'em.
You know, you're gonna get 'em in this batter with a light batter and a Cajun dusting on it.
Man, you can get this at the game only.
- Swag.
- T-shirts.
It'd be all that.
All the gifts.
The funny glasses? Okay? Okay? - All right, man.
- There you go, man.
Consider it done, baby.
ED! I got a question for you, bro.
How come you givin' away free stuff to a multimillionaire? - It's Eric Dickerson, man.
- Dude a legend.
I mean, I'm not gonna disrespect him like that.
Plus, it's okay to give out tickets to friends, family, or whatever.
Plus, he givin' me tickets.
You heard what he said.
He givin' me the platinum package.
Quid pro quo, man.
Ain't nuttin' wrong with that, Charlie.
You're slidin' down a slippery slope, bro.
What you talkin' about? I went through this with my sister.
She asked me for free tickets.
I told her no.
- No? - That's right.
You're gonna have to learn how to do the same thing.
Tell people no.
And once you learn how to say no, then that's when you have to start practicing saying hell no.
And your sister was okay with this? I really don't know.
I haven't talked to [BLEEP.]
in the last three years.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x04 "No Tickets No Peace " Nov 2, 2017 [LIVELY CHATTER.]
Guys, we have a problem.
Yeah, we do have a problem.
White Terry lost my Bluetooth again.
We have bigger issues, okay? That stuff you said last night to the paparazzi? - Me? - Yah.
It made a lot of people upset.
- What stuff, DL? - Right here.
- MAN: DL, DL, big fan.
- Hey, man.
MAN: What do you think about Caitlyn Jenner? I don't think about Caitlyn Jenner at all.
MAN: She is a very beautiful woman, you know.
Beautiful woman? To me, she look kinda like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
It's kinda hard for me to see beauty with [BLEEP.]
poking through your nightgown.
That's a little rough.
[ALL CHATTER.]
I can't help it she's strong faced.
[LAUGHTER.]
And it's exactly attitudes like that that have HAAPPY organizing a blackout against us.
- HAAPPY? - Who's HAAPPY? It's a lesbian/gay/transgender rights group.
You mean GLAAD? HAAPPY Homosexual Alliance Against Perpetuating Phobias of Yesteryear? Oh, these gay people gonna run out of initials.
Think of it this way, HAAPPY is like GLAAD's drama filled cousin that watches a lot of reality TV and loves to yell back at the screen.
And they have come out swinging by organizing this blackout.
What's a blackout? - It sounds racist to me, George.
- Yah.
I'mma run to the mall and get me a new Bluetooth.
- Can we go to the food court? - I'm goin' there myself.
Sweet.
A blackout is a different way to protest.
Basically, they go to businesses and say, hey, do you want their business or our business? What if our vendors choose their business over our business? We might have to shut down the show.
Cancel? Come on.
There's gotta be a better way to fix it.
Why don't we just get other people to work? We can stop by the parking lot of any home improvement center and pick up a couple of George's cousins.
- Oh! - There you go.
Again, you can't say stuff like that.
It offends people.
Ofcourse, I can be offensive, as long as it's funny.
And I'm always both.
- That's right.
- We're comedians.
We shouldn't be held to the same standards as normal people.
- Well, HAAPPY disagrees.
- And you know what? So do about 20 protestors who are standing outside, preventing our vendors from getting in and setting up for the venue tonight.
I hate to say this, but if this isn't handled quickly and quietly, we're gonna have to postpone until things calm down.
Think about what happens when we get up to San Francisco.
Look, I don't wanna mess this up for you cats.
- I'll step off.
- No, no, no.
Look, I'm gonna put an end to all the protesting right now.
I'm composing a tweet.
Check this out.
"We tell jokes, people.
"DL and The Comedy Get Down crew "loves and supports all of our LGBT brothers and sisters.
" Wow, that was really nice.
And I was gonna end it with because it's 140 character limit "So get off our backs, chimichanga nibblers.
" And I put "#blacklivesmatter" for you guys.
- Oh, please.
- That's way over.
- NINA: It's not the - It's 192 right there.
Stop! What's with the metal detector? Is this about the people from HAAPPY? Because I thought my tweet settled them down.
It did a little, but it infuriated Moms in Arms.
They're an ultraconservative family rights group.
According to them, that tweet was promoting alternative lifestyles.
Are you kidding me? Wait a minute, we're gonna be on the inside and the protests are gonna be outside.
- Why do we need metal detectors? - It's the venue's protocol.
- So what now? - So now we either get shut down because the protestors cause a security hazard or because more vendors pull out, unless someone cleans up this mess.
Oh, because I'm Mexican, I gotta clean it up.
All right, I'm Mexican too.
I can cut all these tires.
Hey! Don't try to play me.
This way.
We're the artists.
We're not a threat.
Yeah, I thought that too until I did security at a Katt Williams show.
- Over here.
- This is just set for metal? It don't pick up oregano or baked Just metal.
[DETECTOR BEEPS.]
- I got my phone.
- Let me see.
Uh, forgot I went to a little soul food restaurant early.
Had some really nice forks on there.
I got oh, got these batteries.
Still got a beeper.
Hit me on my thing.
And about there's, like, 19 cent.
It's probably just my jewelry, though.
I don't care.
Where's Charlie Murphy? He on his way.
He got a girl? Because I heard he's real freaky.
I wouldn't know about that.
Look, can I go now? I'm gonna leave the batteries.
You can use them.
You're a little freaky yourself.
NINA: Okay, I'll tell him.
Will call's having some issues with Eric's comp tickets.
What's wrong? MAN (ON RADIO): Hey, I have someone here from the moms group to speak to George.
Should I send them to his room? Hey, what's up with the tickets? No, wait.
I need to speak to George first.
And can someone please tell me if there's a conference room in this building? Okay, you know what? I'll just go handle the Eric ticket situation.
Thank you.
Hey, yo, man, what the hell is this? [CHUCKLES.]
They can't protect a dog from fleas, or a scalp from dandruff.
Just some metaphors I'm putting together for my act.
How would you feel if I called you an ugly woman, huh? That's a lot better than what they call me on Fox News.
Not everything is a joke, all right, Mr.
Comedian? Oh, you're so funny, huh? That was like putting lighter fluid on a forest fire, bro.
You burned the joint down, man.
You burned it down! Awesome.
That was Hold up, Charlie Murphy.
Random check, come on.
Hold your arms up.
Spread those legs for me, come on.
- Hey, what's up? - What's the - Whoa! - I knew you'd be packin'.
You're not supposed to touch me like that.
You shouldn't be working here.
Hey, excuse me.
Is there an issue with Eric Dickerson's tickets? Talk to them.
Charlie, what are you doin' out there, man? Here's the generous man himself.
He believes in charity and all things of that nature.
Oh, good.
Hi, I'm Caldonia, Eric's aunt.
You must be "Cee-dric" the Entetainer.
You have tickets for us.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Actually, it's "Ceh-dric.
" "Po-tay-to," "po-tah-ta.
" Actually, it's "Po-tay-ta.
" - Where's Eric? - Oh, he'll be here.
But I hope you're not gonna make an old lady wait.
At my age, the only thing worth waiting for is Jesus and a kiss from Denzel.
Why are all the big girls so horny down here in Dallas? - Excuse me? - No, I'm on it.
Let me, uh We got tickets for Eric Dickerson? This is it? Here you go, babe.
One, two.
"Cee-dric," we're gonna need way more than two.
- Come on, y'all.
- Ced got you.
See more of Eric's family! - Oh, hell, no.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- Ticket sales lookin' good? - Sold out.
Our whole tour is sold out, you know what I'm sayin'? - This is the Get Down.
- All right, of course.
Oh.
.
[BLEEP.]
, no! I ain't goin' in there, man! Remember, Nina said the venue may need some more security as a precaution because of the protestors.
That's what they want you to think.
Like, they want you to think there's a place called Delaware.
You ever seen somebody from Delaware? Well, actually, Vice President Joe Biden is from Delaware.
Is he really? Have you seen that mother [BLEEP.]
birth certificate? - No.
- I didn't think so.
I ain't goin' through here, man.
You understand me? I got a phobia.
I ain't no terrorist.
You're gonna have to do somethin', you know what I'm sayin'? I mean, Eddie, you have a show.
No show! Make it happen, you understand me? - Make it happen.
- Okay, yeah.
No, it's worse.
The protestors have formed a human blockade at the entrance.
But the leaders of both groups have agreed to move their people if you'll speak with them.
Okay, but I'm not apologizing.
He's right.
Apologizing is accepting censorship.
I was willing to back out and take the heat, but I'm never willing to back down and do something I don't want to do.
That's how I ended up doing "Soul Plane.
" You did "Soul Plane"? My wife needed hardwood floors.
Look, you're right, okay? You can't compromise your beliefs.
You can't apologize.
But maybe you can use your charm, right? Get them to love you the way everyone loves you.
Nice smile, George.
Hello, mothers.
LBGT, I'm guessing you're Q.
I just wanted you to know that "Orange is the New Black" is my favorite show.
I love it.
And, well, look.
We tell jokes.
It's what we do.
That's right.
That's what we do.
Okay, I enjoy a laugh as much as the next guy, but there's a line.
But we're comedians, ma'am.
And you know, sometimes, we're gonna cross that line? Ma'am? No.
I do not gender identify nor subscribe to the heteronormative binary, okay? You can refer to me as a person or by my chosen name, Zenith.
Zenith? What, is Magnavox taken? [LAUGHS.]
No? Okay, alright.
.
look, Show of hands, who all here is with Eric Dickerson's family? Who is this dude? Oh, that's my daughter's babydaddy.
She wanted her kids to have good hair.
Here you go, my man.
All right, y'all, I got one ticket left.
I'll take that.
Are you serious? Come on.
- You go down.
- I'm going down.
- Okay, go back.
- Go back.
- Got it, got it.
- Thanks, man.
Okay, that's it.
CHARLIE: Hey, Ced, look who I found.
More of Eric's family! What? - Step right up, y'all.
- Step right up.
Give me a couple of more tickets.
Sorry, you're all out of comps.
You're gonna have to buy more tickets.
- Fine, you know what? - I'll pay for them.
Go ahead, how much is it? CASHIER: That'll be $654.
$600? That's an expensive show right here.
To everybody but the Dickersons.
[CHEERING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
All right, all right, okay.
Do you got any more shrimp cocktail? You ate it all.
Good.
Okay.
Excuse me for a second.
Hey, uh, Caldonia, when is Eric gonna get here? I told you he was running a little late.
Why are you worrying man? He said you was gonna take care of us the way he was gonna take care of you.
- Ain't that right? - You're right.
Look at you, man.
You runnin' around here, takin' care of folks.
You remind me of Forest Whitaker.
What's that movie he played where he played the butler? "The Butler.
" Oh.
No, man, I ain't nothin' like that.
I'm just over here teaching Aunt Caldonia how to Milly Rock, right? Hey, where you get them chicken fingers from? All he had was some undercooked vegetables.
Actually, they're steamed vegetables.
You know they're healthier for you.
I use steam to get the wrinkles out of my choir robe, not cook.
You need to get some real food up in here, "Cee-dric.
" Yes, some real food, "Cee-dric.
" - Pizza.
- Pizza? Pizza.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Pizza! Pizza! Okay, all right, everybody.
I'll get pizza for everybody.
[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER.]
Hey, yo, yo, bro! What are you doin' in my jacket? - We're the same size, dawg.
- No, we're not.
- I think the shoes fit, man.
- You think so? [JACKET RIPS.]
Oh.
My bad, fam.
No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! BOTH: No justice, no peace! Get with it, man! Please, please understand that as comedians, we're equal opportunists.
Everyone can and will get roasted.
Take, for instance, George's haircut.
Look how [BLEEP.]
up it is.
It looks like Charlie Sheen after he went batshit crazy.
[LAUGHTER.]
You see what I did? I got a laugh, and yet I still brought attention to mental illness and HIV.
That's true.
Is my hair [BLEEP.]
up? No, no.
The point is, everyone is fair game.
And it doesn't matter to us whether you call yourself he or she.
That's your choice.
We don't judge.
God made that choice.
If you're born a boy, you're a he.
Oh, is that so? Yeah, listen, can we just play nice So you don't think someone should have a sex change? God no! It's unnatural.
GEORGE: Zenith, get over there.
Don't act that way with that I say labels are unnecessary.
- Yes, they are.
- That's right.
You're sick.
You're unnatural.
[ARGUING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, hello, Nina.
What's going on? Well, we got them arguing and so mad at each other, they forgot about protesting our show.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, perfect! Thank you.
All right, now, don't cause any more trouble today.
You're gonna push me to brown liquor.
And I am too cute to be a drunk.
We're taking the stage in 15! She's good, but not as good as we are.
- Nobody's as good as us.
- That's true.
How can this be racist? They're black.
Massa always gets one to keep the rest of us in line.
You ain't never seen "Django"? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
I've tried everything.
He won't budge.
You tell him that I don't have time to deal with this because I had to break up that fistfight that George and DL instigated and order a bunch of pizzas for everyone in Ced's dressing room.
And now what? He doesn't want to be treated like a criminal? This from the man who was banned from a Dippin' Dots? You tell him to get his ass in here right now.
Say it just like that.
She says, please go through, Eddie.
Ha! I can't with this right now.
No, he is literally taking years off my life.
You deal with it.
She hung up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Look, he is never going through there.
- I'm just doin' my job.
- And I'm trying to do mine.
So tell me, how can I get him inside without going through the detector? Maybe we can make an arrangement.
I'm listening.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yo, the show's on in, like, five minutes, bro.
You know what? You're right.
That's it.
That's it right here.
Aunt Caldonia, seriously, where is Eric? I didn't tell you.
He wasn't gonna make it after all.
He said to give you this.
Thanks for everything, "Cee-dric.
" [LAUGHS.]
Eric Dickerson's platinum tickets, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout right here.
What is it, one ticket? You know what? That's all right.
I actually like going to the football game by myself.
Section 230 preseason? What the hell? Hold on, man.
What is this shit? Yeah, I think I can squeeze into this.
All right, you know what? Everybody out.
Everybody get the [BLEEP.]
out! All of you! Everybody named Dickerson get out of this room! Get the [BLEEP.]
outta here! Get outta here! By the way, guys, enjoy the show, okay? I hope you enjoy the show.
Thanks.
Don't no, don't even say it.
I told you, baby.
You need to stop trying to be so nice to people man.
You see what they did? They got your blood pressure up there, see? Oh, my jacket! Man, dang it all! Can somebody get a thimble? GEORGE: You see, the problem with the world right now is that everything you hear, you have to like.
That's not the world.
It creates small minds.
It creates small thinkers.
And I'm not talking about midget [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
You think that's funny, Jake? Now we're gonna have the little people on us.
EDDIE: I believe the PC term is vertically challenged little mother [BLEEP.]
.
Eddie, thank goodness.
I didn't think you were gonna go through security.
I didn't have to.
- Then how - White Terry cut a deal.
- You don't wanna know.
- I I think I do.
[SEXY MUSIC.]
Charlie Murphy.
I was promised I could search you all night.
You ain't supposed to be back here.
Security! Security's already here, baby.
[LAUGHS.]