The Conners (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

The Preemie Monologues

1 Ugh! I've just gone through the entire house! You forgot to buy toilet paper! Seriously, what kind of mom are you? Well, look, I just got home from Ben's.
Use the phone book like I used to.
We don't have phone books anymore.
It's not the 1800s, Nana.
Does anyone realize we're out of toilet paper? I cannot go at school.
There's no doors on the stalls.
This is a problem.
If you can't wait, can't you just use Kleenex or a napkin? No, because we use toilet paper for both those things.
This place sucks! You need to get your life together.
Whoa.
I didn't take you to a doctor for seven years, and you're losing it over toilet paper? What's your problem? You're my problem.
Hurry home.
Miss you.
[SMOOCHES.]
I was so happy when you had kids because I knew we'd be here one day.
You know what? I don't get it.
I mean, Harris and I fight, but right now, she's being so angry and sarcastic.
I mean, that doesn't run in our family at all.
Could be anything.
You know we're out of toilet paper, right? Walk away, old man.
I'm assuming you're Joanna, although she was supposed to be here at 10:00, and it's 10:05, so it's hard to say.
We need to tighten up the schedule here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Brought you a change of clothes.
How you feeling? You look like hell.
It's hard to look glamorous when your shower is a bathroom sink and your deodorant is hand sanitizer.
Becky, go home and get some sleep.
We'll stay with the baby.
All right.
I'll leave after the night nurse takes over.
I like her.
- I'll take the first shift.
- Great.
Then when I get here, I'll tell you what you did wrong, I'll fix it, and I'll make a training manual so it never happens again.
Hey, Jackie, could you go down to the cafeteria and get me a grilled cheese? I'm starved.
How about we change the grilled cheese to a spinach salad lots of iron.
And some orange juice will help you absorb the iron.
- Sure.
- I'll take the grilled cheese.
And a Coke to help me absorb the cheese.
Thank you! You're an angel! Get her out of here.
This morning, she was walking around the incubator, snapping her fingers to see if the baby has directional hearing.
All right, we just have to be delicate with her.
Her life blew up, and she's looking for some kind of purpose for herself through our lives.
I'd take Jackie's shift, but I got a poker game tonight.
Aw.
It sounded so selfish.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
No, it didn't, Grandpa.
You work hard.
You deserve to play poker.
[GASPS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
They don't care what you want.
"The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Check, please.
You know, Louise, I've been undressing you with my eyes for an hour.
Why don't you come back to my place? We can see if I'm right.
Hey, Louise.
Hey, Dan.
What'll you have? Not another case of what you gave me last time.
[GRUNTS.]
Finally got rid of those stubborn bastards.
I still use that little comb for my eyebrows.
You know, you could've pretended you're my boyfriend and not that I got some sort of infestation.
From the looks of that guy, I didn't even think that would be a deal-breaker.
Well, maybe next time, you'll try the boyfriend thing.
You get a clean bill of health and we'll talk about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what's the update with Becky and Lil Bev? We're gonna start taking turns watching her.
Tonight's my turn.
Oh, man.
Sitting in that NICU all night that's rough.
I did it for a cousin.
Just breaks your heart.
Well, a free beer would certainly help me deal with it.
Lucky for you, it's Preemie Grandpas Night.
You know, let me come with you.
You're gonna need company.
It's just gonna be family.
I couldn't ask you to do that.
You could.
But I guess you're not.
Some other time.
Oh.
I overstepped.
I was trying to support you in a difficult time, and that kind of thing shouldn't go unpunished.
I haven't had a real conversation in a bar for a long time.
I do not like it.
Hey.
Ready for my shift.
Pack up your chair and skedaddle.
Guess what? The baby's coming home Friday.
Oh, that's fantastic, right? I mean, that's great.
Your face isn't saying it's great.
My face just read this letter from Assistance for Needy Families.
I was approved, and then they said I made too much because of my tips at Casita Bonita.
I failed at being poor.
And look at this list of special preemie stuff I need.
Oh, you don't need all that stuff.
A scale? You can just take the baby to the grocery store and weigh her in the produce department diaper on, of course.
I can't even afford the basic stuff.
Diapers are like 25 bucks a box.
I'm just gonna have to hold the baby over the box.
Becky, go home.
We will figure this out tomorrow.
I'm gonna figure this out tonight.
I'm going now, honey.
I am so proud of you for all the breathing and the growing.
She loves me.
So don't talk crap about me.
[SIGHS.]
Hey.
So, how was your day? Okay, now me.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Your cousin Harris is being a little monster.
Normally, I can handle it, but I'm stressed out of my mind right now because I'm sleeping with two guys.
Don't give me that look, girl.
You like your auntie, don't you? [CHUCKLES.]
I remember when Harris used to hold my finger like that.
Okay, you can let go now.
All right.
Wow, you're pretty strong for somebody with no bones in their body.
Oh, by the way, Dan, if Anne-Marie calls, this time, I'm here.
Yeah, for some reason, the lies led to fights.
Well, that's because your lies suck.
You know where I am right now? At the ER with a friend.
Spotty signal, and I can't really talk right now because at this very moment, I'm pressing my hand against his carotid artery to prevent him from bleeding out.
No dispute.
What can she say? Bingo! What if she asks who's the friend? Well, now that you asked, I'm gonna say it's you.
Yeah, I got a cheat sheet here.
Got everything you need to know.
Road rage encounter, hunting-knife wound, light aircraft crashes on highway.
Eh, it's all here.
That's a lot of work to stay in a bad marriage.
My hat's off to you.
I'll take her off your hands.
You got a picture? Yeah, I got one.
Private investigator took it.
Ah, there she is.
That's my brother coming out of the shower.
Well, he's a younger, better-looking version of you.
You get it, right? - I can see both sides of it.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
I got your text, Dan.
What's up? I gotta get over to the hospital.
I'm out.
I just need to talk for a minute.
Let's go in the living room.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
Listen, I know you were looking forward to seeing the baby tonight, but I was hoping I could take your shift so I could bond with the baby.
No can do.
I spent all day developing a list of Chinese phrases for the nurses to use on the baby.
She's just lying there, so she might as well learn something.
You could say that about any member of our family.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Truth is, Becky doesn't want you there.
You're driving everybody nuts.
Aww.
[SCOFFS.]
Féicháng shiwàng.
What? It means "very disappointing" in Mandarin.
Well, here's the upside you've always wanted to play - in the poker game.
- [SIGHS.]
Tonight's the night.
You'd be doing me a huge favor.
Well, if Becky doesn't want me around, I might as well play poker.
I got to tell you, I'm feeling defeated and useless and just beat to hell.
Add hopeless and horny, and you'll fit right in with the rest of the guys.
Here's your check.
- I'll be right back.
- Thank you.
Becky, you just had a baby.
You're not supposed to work for another two weeks.
Don't worry.
I'm wearing an adult diaper for leakage down here and I've got nursing pads for leakage up here.
And if I just sit every couple minutes, the dizziness goes away.
You should not be here.
No, I should not.
But I have a kid coming home any day now, and that means rent, bills, baby supplies Excuse me? I'm sorry, I can't quite read what this says.
It says, "I'm Becky.
I just had a four-pound baby.
The father, Emilio, a poor busboy, was deported to Mexico.
" But leave whatever you feel is appropriate.
Two lousy bucks? I owe the hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars, and I am totally on my own.
Let me have your wallets! All of you! Becky, stop.
Fine.
Oh! Well, thank you, Becky.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wonderful.
You know, we are kinda new to the dinner-theater thing.
Let us know how we're doing.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Good time to talk? Not really, but whatever.
Okay.
So, today, I was at the NICU, and little Beverly Rose grabbed my finger, and she squeezed it, and it it made me remember how you always used to hold my hand and how close we were.
And now you're, you know, insane.
So, if there's something that you want to tell me that's bothering you, I'd love to hear it.
Sure.
Here's what's bothering me.
I know that you're having sex with Dad and Ben.
And you're lying about it to both of them.
Wow.
How'd you find out? I saw Dad coming out of your bedroom in the middle of the night.
Look, I'm really sorry.
I don't wanna hear it.
You're a liar, and I have no reason to believe anything you say ever again.
No, you have to give me a chance to explain.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- You got a text.
This is more important.
But it might be from Ben or Dad or someone you met driving back and forth between Ben and Dad.
Well, now you're just giving me too much credit.
Damn it.
It's Grandpa.
Becky's freaking out at Casita Bonita.
Look, I gotta go, but when I get back, please just give me a chance to tell you what's going on.
It's really complicated.
No, it's not.
Stop screwing my dad over, or I'm gonna call him and tell him what's going on.
You know, it's it's very sweet that you're looking out for him, but just remember one thing he abandoned you.
I'm just saying.
Where's Becky? Oh, she's back here.
She's not in a good place.
Hey.
Look at you, sitting on a bucket behind a bar.
I see it all so clearly now.
Even if I work, every dime will go to childcare.
So I've decided to let the hospital keep Lil Bev.
Uh-huh.
They've got a cafeteria, so she'll eat good, and I can watch her from afar in the kids' play area.
I've seen that in the movies.
Well, clearly, I rushed down here for nothing.
You know what? You're gonna come home, you're gonna live rent-free, where people can help you.
But if I move back in, I'm just admitting I couldn't make it on my own and I'm just a big, fat loser.
That's what I did.
It's very freeing.
Hey, bud.
How was work? I'm not afraid of you.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Becky's gonna come home and live with us for awhile.
Good! That starts now.
Grab her coat, and take her back to the house.
Hey, I am not totally giving up my independence here.
I will grab my own coat.
Okay.
Let me help you to the car, and then I'll come back in here real quick and grab some toilet paper.
Thank you so much for calling.
Well, Becky needed help.
I'm not family, but I care.
Look, I got an idea.
I'm heading back to the hospital, and yeah, it's kinda depressing all those babies hooked up to tubes, barely clinging to life.
So, hey, you wanna come? Hey, wait a minute, Lil Bev, is that drool on your chin I see? Lucky for you, I have a handkerchief.
Da-daaaa Thanks for covering for me, son.
No problem.
I think she really likes me.
That's not Becky's baby.
That is.
Aw, man.
Aww, Dan.
- She's beautiful.
- Yep.
She gets that from me.
Good news, buddy.
You're coming to live at Grandpa's house for awhile.
It's not much Actually, it'd need a major remodel for it to be "not much.
" Hey, the fact that you have a house for your struggling daughter and her baby and your other struggling daughter and her two kids just proves you're a good provider.
- It's not much of a motivator.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, Rose It's okay.
I'm so sorry.
I just I feel so comfortable with you.
You don't have to apologize for feeling comfortable with me.
Listen, I haven't kept it a secret how hard this is for me, but you have to know how much I like you, and and I wanna spend time with you.
What do you say we start hanging out on a regular basis, and I'll throw in dinner once a week? Like dates? Like hanging out and having dinner once a week.
Slow down, cowboy.
It's moving a little fast for me.
But I can work with that.
Well, you're only human.
[GRUFFLY.]
I know you want some of this.
I can be patient.
But when I come for it, I don't want some of it.
I want all of it.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You don't have that kinda time.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I brought you a peace offering.
Go ahead.
Instagram all your friends.
I'll wait.
L-Look, I did not plan any of this.
Well, you've gotta decide.
It's not fair to Dad.
Hey, I love your dad, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, but this is a hard decision.
I-It affects all of us.
I've got to figure out who's gonna make us happy and who's gonna keep us in toilet paper.
So, what am I supposed to do? Just keep this giant secret while you figure it out? That would be so cool of you.
I-I promise I'm gonna take care of this as quickly as I can.
Okay.
I believe you for now.
[SIGHS.]
Would you hold my finger? No.
You're being weird.
The baby's home! - Hey! - Hey! - Hey! - Hey! Well, that's a relief.
I'm still the cutest one.
She's too small.
You said I was getting a new cousin to play with.
She's no good to me like this.
Uh, there's only one room in the house that's still available the basement.
The basement.
Guess we set the bar too high with a plastic box.
To the basement! - Just wait for me one second.
- Yeah.
Dad told me you were upset.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm not upset.
[SPOON CLINKING RAPIDLY.]
[SPOON CLATTERS.]
Look, I really do appreciate you helping out with Lil Bev.
All right, look, I know I went too far.
In the cold light of day, I can see that you can't ask busy nurses to teach a preemie Mandarin.
It's just in trying to find solutions, sometimes you may be creating some of the problems.
Would it be overstepping if I made a chart of the problems that you and I are having? No, make the damn chart.
Hug it out.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful! The rats put up the lights.
[LAUGHS.]
The lights are from Christmas decorations, Mark did the mural on the wall, and I picked out the bedspread.
I hope that's a solution and not a problem.
We should all go upstairs and let Becky and the baby get settled in.
I just got down here.
Now I gotta walk up the stairs again.
I love it! Thank you! Oh.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi, sweetie.
[BEVERLY COOS.]
[GASPS.]
Welcome home, sweet girl.
[BEVERLY COOS.]
Yeah.
See? She has a little patch of your dark hair, your brown eyes, and your Oh.
Hey, I'm just noticing that my genes didn't really get in there at all.
But I'm happy that your family is taking good care of you guys.
I know.
I can't believe they did all of this.
How are you? I'm good.
I'm saving money and trying to get back.
Well, be safe.
[SIGHS.]
I really want Beverly Rose to meet her dad.
Oh, a-and one last thing can you talk to your Aunt Jackie? Eh, she Skypes me every day with some new advice.
Eh, luckily, she can't tell the difference between me and my cousin 'Berto.
But he's right on the edge.