The Conners (2018) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Here's a little wisdom from Grandpa the morning is the one part of the day you can control before you're buried under the crap avalanche.
So, you get your paper ready, make some eggs, a mess of bacon, grab a handful of heart pills so you've got a shot at doing the whole thing again tomorrow.
Now, watch and learn.
Morning, Grandpa.
Morning, bud.
Here's a piece of real bacon before Captain Darlene of the vegan police gets here.
[Mug thuds.]
[Coffee pours.]
I have so little in my life.
What have you done to my newspaper? I have a school assignment.
I have to find an article about business and finance, but not in the "Business and Finance" section.
I don't know the right way to open one of these.
Eh, eh, eh.
Here, here, here.
I'll give you the "Entertainment" section.
I'm sure there's something about money in there.
Probably the government giving my tax dollars to some ballet company who's gonna cure climate change through interpretive dance.
[Pages rustle.]
Oh, found one! Wow! Did you know that there are more millionaires now than ever before? No, by the time I got to that part in the paper, there was a hole in it.
- Morning.
- There's your mother.
Go cut up something she loves.
I found my business article for school.
There's more millionaires than ever.
Oh, and if you apply yourself, you can be one, too.
- Really? - No, those days are over.
How long is Bev gonna be staying with us? Well, when Jackie threw her out, she said she never wanted to speak to her again.
Did you know your grandmother now bathes with the door open because she's worried about falling? I'm worried about seeing it and throwing myself down the stairs.
Uh, not necessary.
If you actually see that, you'll instantly turn to salt.
Why exactly did Jackie kick her out? She's pissed because Grandma gave me power of attorney.
Power of attorney.
Does that mean you have the power to pull the plug? Yes.
Even if she's sick or not? No.
I'm also managing her assets, including the old Lunch Box.
Bev said she got rid of that.
Hold on to your hat She lied.
Jackie and Becky want to reopen it, and they're mad at me for saying I had to think about it.
I've been around a little bit.
- Want a piece of advice? - Sure.
Give everything to Jackie, throw Bev in a well.
I wish it was that simple.
But Grandma Bev wants to leave money for everyone.
And it's a big risk renting to them.
If she's got so much money, why the hell is she staying here? Well, she's old, and she wants to be around family.
She says she feels comfortable here.
Who made her feel comfortable? I want a name.
"The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
- JACKIE: Hey.
- Hey, Jackie.
I've got a plan to help us get the Lunch Box.
So do I.
I get a lawyer, we establish that Bev was not of sound mind when she gave Darlene power of attorney.
How can you prove that? Oh, for God sakes, we just let the woman talk.
I agree an all-out war is a good opening move, and obviously a lot of fun for you.
But we have to prove to Darlene that our restaurant's a good idea and we can make it work.
[Exhales deeply.]
Well, I was looking forward to crushing Bev in court and having her committed, but I'm intrigued by the binder.
Go on.
We need to present Darlene with a business plan.
Our overall concept, our target market, our menu.
What do all the struggling people in this town need? Healthcare? Jobs? Hope? And what do you need when you're not getting any of those things? Alcohol? Drugs? Dog races? And comfort food! Comfort.
Who doesn't want comfort? - Welcome to the new Lunch Box! - [Gasps.]
May I recommend our specialty? It's delicious, filling, and you can only get it here.
Yes, please.
What is it? No idea.
What's your favorite comfort food? Uh, well, I don't know.
Uh, I like something hearty.
Like chili or stew with a big piece of bread to soak it up.
I love that! And it's cheap to make.
- Stew is basically leftovers.
- Yeah.
And day-old bread springs back to life in a broth! We could do beef stew, lamb stew, vegetarian stew.
And here's the thing, if I wanted stew right now, - I wouldn't know where to go.
- Exactly! That's why we should call it "The Place You Go To Get Stew"! Mmm.
Too long.
It needs to be quick and punchy.
How about, uh "It Takes Stew To Tango"? Yeah, yeah.
Or "What's Stew, Pussycat?" We probably shouldn't use "stew" and "cat" in the same name.
Yeah, got it, got it.
"I Get A Kick Out of Stew.
" "Here's Looking at Stew, Kid.
" "You, Me, and a Dog Named Stew.
" Oh, no, that's the cat problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm going down to the truck dealership.
They got a thing where you get a free turkey with a test drive.
The trick is getting that bird out of there before they run my credit.
Okay.
Do you like what I did with the Thanksgiving place settings? Let's just say I do.
What would I be noticing? They're all personalized.
Yours has the reflection of the TV in its eyes, and he's gonna be holding a little beer.
Like you looked into my very soul.
Thanks.
I'm gonna put name tags on them, but I need to know who's coming.
The usual suspects.
Even though Aunt Jackie and Aunt Becky are fighting with my mom? They'll work it out.
Families fight all the time.
But they always come together for the holidays so they can fight in person.
Hey, Grandpa.
Can Odessa come over for Thanksgiving? There's gotta be somebody else.
Please? Her family's not gonna be around.
Well I guess we looked weird to the Indians, so sure.
Grandpa, they're Native Americans.
Don't worry, son.
Me and my kind are on our way out.
Each person's place setting represents them in some way.
Tell me something about you that I can use.
Oh, I don't want to be trapped by the details of my life.
Okay, I'll just make a generic turkey with Doc Martens and a bad attitude.
I want my turkey wearing a black hood and carrying an Axe so, ironically, he is the executioner for once.
Sorry.
You and Mom can't have the same thing.
Hey, Mark, put this stuff in the fridge in the garage, okay? Thank you.
So, how are you doing, Odessa? Ugh! Why are you always prying into my friends' lives? I'm sorry.
I must have used the wrong words.
What I meant to say was, "So, how are you doing, Odessa?" You don't really care, right? Not really.
Just being polite.
So I don't have to answer? - Nope.
- Good.
Good.
- Uh-oh.
- Don't worry.
We're not here to fight.
We just came to ask you, when was the last time you had a bowl of delicious stew? Um I I I'm gonna say two years.
But I really have to check my records.
We have a perfect idea for the Lunch Box.
Comfort food.
We did some casual polling with people in the HomeTown Buffet parking lot.
We said, "Stew," they said, "Where?" And these people had just polished off a buffet.
It's all here.
Start-up costs, projected profit-loss statement, employee wages.
We want you to know that we're on solid economic ground with this.
And you don't have to rent to some stranger.
All the money stays in the family.
Like when Jimmy Dean buys his own sausage.
[Mouths "Smart".]
Wow.
I mean, you guys have put a lot of thought into this.
Thank you.
Here's the thing.
[Sighs.]
Um, I got another offer from a chain called Doctor Drumstick.
They have franchises all over the Midwest.
They want a three-year lease, starting paying rent immediately.
Well, sure, because he's a doctor.
We don't have that kind of capital.
- [Sighs.]
- We just need a chance.
Somebody gave Doctor Drumstick a chance! Before that, he was just a man with a malpractice suit and a dream.
Well, look, your business plan shows you can't even pay rent for the first year.
- [Sighs.]
- And even then, you might not make it.
I'm sorry, you guys, it's just too big of a gamble.
Oh, I see why Bev picked you.
You're just like her.
95 pounds of angry gristle.
You think I like being in this position of denying you something that you want? Actually, I think you do.
Becky, come on.
I mean, you understand, right? Most new restaurants fail.
You really want to pin all your hopes on that? I have to.
I can't wait for Bev to die and leave me money.
She made a deal with the Devil, and he's in no hurry to live with her.
Okay, then just answer one question Why do you think you'll succeed in a location that's put three restaurants and a psychic out of business? Hey, if the psychic didn't see that coming, that's on her.
You just came up with this idea like a week ago.
Don't make me the bad guy here.
You are so full of it.
When my life was falling apart, you were all, "I'm here for you.
You can do anything.
" But when I have a shot at something, you show me how you really feel.
- What are you talking about? - [Basket thuds.]
You keep saying you don't want me to fail.
I think you don't want me to succeed.
What? Why would you think that? 'Cause you just lost two boyfriends, you're living at your parents' house, and you're stuck working - at that sleazy mugshot magazine.
- [Scoffs.]
You're worried I'm gonna pass you by and have a successful life.
Whoa, is that where we're going? 'Cause I will take that ride.
You're a forty-four-year-old waitress living under the house like an old Christmas tree.
At least I got out of my old bedroom.
Uh, I'm in D.
J.
's room.
And you know what? At least I'm above sea level.
Climate change is gonna melt Greenland, everything's gonna flood, and you're gonna wake up with a polar bear in your bed.
At least somebody's in my bed! It's a bear, Becky! You're sick! I got your text.
What happened to your bike? That's what I was wondering.
Last time I saw it, it was in the garage.
Do either of you know anything about this? No.
But it doesn't look right.
The funny thing is, there's a Doc Marten boot stuck under it.
Uh-oh.
You know who wears those? The mailman.
It's a woman's size 6.
She's a woman, but she identifies as a mailman.
A lot of them do.
It's crazy.
- We gotta dip.
- Freeze.
You guys tried to ride my bike.
No.
We just wanted to take pictures on it.
The light's better out here.
[Sighs.]
The key is in it.
It's hard to push.
It's way heavier than it looks.
You're in tremendous shape for a guy your age.
Nobody ever touches this bike.
Ever.
Odessa, you're not allowed over here anymore.
Respect.
Grandpa! Come on.
You can't do that.
She's my friend.
Yes, I can.
My bike, my house, my rules.
And you're gonna pay for that broken mirror.
You know, I thought you were so much cooler than this.
We were gonna hashtag the photo "Grandpa rides hard," but now you've blown it.
Actually, don't look that hashtag up.
[Door closes.]
Just finished Odessa's place setting.
It took me a while to really capture her spirit, but I'm happy where it ended up.
She's not coming.
Son of a buttercup! Language.
Hey.
I got a little something for baby Bev.
[Chuckles.]
We got to get her mind right before the Cheeseheads get ahold of her.
I hear that.
I won it at the claw machine at the bowling alley.
Some idiot kid didn't know you get two chances for your dollar.
Are you packing? Yeah.
I thought about it, and I gotta move out.
- What? - I'm going to live with Jackie.
This isn't because of that stupid restaurant, is it? Every time I see Darlene, I get angry, and I don't want my baby growing up around that.
Look, you got to think this through, Becky.
If you move out, Bev's gonna move in down here and stay until she dies.
And I'm too old to carry her lifeless body up the stairs.
Cut her up and make trips.
See? You can't go.
No one else will make that joke with me.
Come on.
I love having you and the baby here in the house.
After the worst year of my life, you guys made me feel good about things again.
Don't do this to me.
Hey, I don't wanna do this, either.
What What do I have to do? Beg you? Okay, I'm begging you.
Dad, you can come visit.
It's not the same.
We have breakfast together.
I give her my wisdom, she smiles and poops.
We have a routine.
Well, you could've changed her every once in a while instead of handing her to me.
That's our routine.
I love you, Dad.
But I have to finish packing.
Could you grab my other suitcase out of the garage? I'm sorry, I won't help you leave.
[Knock on door.]
DARLENE: Put away your Bible, we have to talk.
Did you get my text about Grandpa? Yes, I did.
He banned Odessa.
You gotta tell him he can't do that.
- He's not my father.
- [Scoffs.]
Well, we are living in his house.
Yes, but we pay rent.
Tell him your children should have the right to bring over whoever they want.
I can help you write the text.
No, I-I got this.
I know exactly what to say.
"Dad, I agree with you one hundred percent.
Odessa shouldn't come over here anymore.
And please don't respond with the camel emoji again.
It's weird, and nobody knows what I means.
" You're kidding, right? I don't want her in the house, either.
She's my only friend in this crappy town.
Your stoner friend tried to take a joy ride with you on the back.
She knows how to ride a motorcycle.
She got it nine feet and dropped it on her shoe.
Yeah, okay, so she apologized.
What's the big deal? Harris, the friends you pick help determine the direction of your life.
You have to think harder about who you're gonna hang around with.
So what are you saying? I can't pick my own friends now? Well, you're not very good at it.
I mean, you your friend could've gotten you killed today.
Do you understand that? Do you? Yeah, okay.
I understand that.
[Scoffs.]
You don't know how hard it is.
I'm really lonely here.
I just want to go home to Chicago.
Oh I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I won't hang out with Odessa anymore.
Okay? Happy? Well, I'm happy you didn't get hurt.
Whoa, she totally bought that.
You're good.
I know.
I could be a psychopath or a CEO or something.
I took one of those tests online to see if I'm a psychopath.
I'm not.
That's okay.
You still have time.
Let's go do something.
I'll be at your place in 10 minutes.
Wait.
Oh, yeah.
I'm here.
[Chuckles.]
Nothin'.
[Can crinkles.]
All right.
Well, if you don't get the job done, your buddies will have died in vain.
[Tab pops.]
[Knock on door.]
Coming! Why are you knocking? Darlene has made me feel like I'm not family.
Family comes in.
Guests knock.
You made me get out of a chair so you could prove a point? - I'm here to pick up the good daughter.
- Aw.
Can't you guys work something out? I don't like what's happening here.
Becky's moving out with the baby, everybody hates Darlene, and Bev is napping in my bed because she won't sleep on the sofa.
"It has bugs.
" Well, of course it has bugs! We eat there! Oh, well, if you want to blame somebody, blame my power-hungry niece here, who has completely forgotten her cool aunt who gave her her first beer so she wouldn't go to middle school as a complete nerd.
You guys are totally overreacting.
If you don't have six months' rent to give to some place, start smaller.
- Get a food truck or something.
- We don't want a food truck.
We want the Lunch Box.
It means something to us.
It's about family.
Not that you would understand that.
Come on, Becky! Let's go back to my place.
Where dreams live.
Becky, come on.
You don't have to move out.
Say goodbye to baby Bev.
What? I'm not gonna see the baby again? This is crazy! She seems to be fine with it.
Well, then, don't plan on ever seeing Harris again.
I should've said Mark.
People like Mark.
Becky Love you, Dad.
[Sighs.]
Damn it, Darlene.
I don't care what you say, I don't care how you do it.
Thanksgiving is next week.
And I want everybody around that table.
[Sighs.]
I never ask you for anything, but now I'm asking.
Fine.
I will do whatever I can to get them here.
But I'll tell you this right now, I will not be bullied into giving them the restaurant.
And don't you ever give me your power of attorney! Obviously, you don't have anything, I'm just saying it to make a point.
Hey.
Here's $40 for your mirror.
Sorry, it's all I have.
And I promise, I won't lie to you again.
Well, I'm off to the library.
Hey, guys, could you turn down the TV for a second? I'd like to say something.
Okay, but hurry up.
The guy from "Naked and Afraid" is being chased by bees.
He reached into a hive to get honey.
Has the guy never seen a cartoon? I just want to say I think it would be nice at this year's Thanksgiving, if everyone took the time to say what they were thankful for.
I already wrote mine.
"I'm thankful that my family is all together and that we all love each other, and, no matter what happens, we always stick together, because that's what Conners do.
" Nice! Passive aggressive with a hint of guilt.
Pretty impressive for a 12-year-old.
You think they don't learn from you, but they watch you.
- Uh-oh.
- [Birds chirping on television.]
Going into quicksand is not gonna get rid of the bees.
Eventually it will.