The Conners (2018) s02e12 Episode Script

Live from Lanford

Grandpa, when can we close the door? I'm freezing.
I can't feel my nose, I don't know if it's a finger or nose thing.
First I got to fix the leak so the outlet doesn't short out again.
Once the smoke smell is gone we can put the TV back and close the door.
At least it was warm for a second when the flames shot out of the wall.
You know what, we're all uncomfortable right now.
Suck it up.
Hey, just because you're in a bad mood.
Don't take it out on Mark.
He's a sweet, innocent kid who does all of our laundry.
Your stuff is sitting in the dryer, by the way.
I'm sorry, kid.
It's not you.
I got some stuff going on.
That's okay.
Is it going to keep you and Louise from coming to my acappella concert? I can't hang on to these house seats forever.
Louise isn't going to make it.
She's not real happy with me, right now.
I'll keep both seats in case I nod off and tip over.
I found something we can have for dinner while we keep our hands warm on the trash can fire I'm going to start, right here in the kitchen.
Three boxes of Mac and cheese, and they're all open with the cheese packets are missing.
We've been the victims of a very odd burglary.
Alright, that's on me.
The nacho chips I bought at the auto parts store didn't have enough cheese on them.
So I recheesed them from the packets.
Well, we can probably put something else on them.
We have Chinese mustard and red chili flakes packets.
Just throw that on the macaroni and see who taps out first.
Another way to solve this problem is by somebody going shopping.
I have three hours of the new Hampshire primary I have to watch for school tomorrow, and I'd like some snacks.
That's great.
I think it's important for kids - to learn how politics work.
- Yeah, the early primaries are exciting.
That's where you get to see the candidates with integrity and vision right before the rich ones swoop in and crush them with their corporate campaign dollars.
Wow, mom.
That's pretty cynical.
I think people with integrity and vision can make it all the way to president.
Like George Washington.
He was rich.
He didn't want it.
They forced him.
- Okay, then Lincoln.
- Shot.
- Hamilton.
- Yeah, he was good.
But he wasn't president.
He's just a character in a really cool musical we'll never be rich enough to afford to see.
- Oh, and shot.
- You can't stop me from being optimistic about this country.
Everybody has a right to be heard.
Did you know anyone can pick up the phone and call the White House.
No way.
If you can't call The Rock, you - can't call the White House.
- Watch.
Thank you for calling the White House Are you crazy? They're going to trace this back to us and put us on the no-fly list.
When was the last time any of us flew? If they ever put us on the no-bus list, then we'll have a problem.
Why are you scared of the government? They work for us.
You can even tweet the president and tell him what you want.
I'm not scared.
Hi, @realdonaldtrump, since you work for us, can you send us some cheese packets for our macaroni.
This is @realmaryconner, from Lanford, Illinois.
Where Chicago is.
He'll probably answer back.
That guy loves to tweet.
That's how we learn where our military is.
Hey, look who's here.
It's good to live on your own, but you miss your mommy, don't you? No, gross.
My laptop died.
I came to see if it was still under warranty.
Of course it did, she'll just send it back to where she bought it, She'll mail it to guy on off-ramp with old army jacket.
Yeah, well we're going to have to figure out how to get me a new one.
Are you insane, woman, we don't even have food.
- Oh, fine I'll just take Mark's.
- Ah, no.
It's mine and I'm going to need it to write my report on the primary.
That's why I should have his computer, he's wasting it.
Just because you think he's a dork doesn't mean that he shouldn't have your laptop.
And you really should be taking this election seriously.
You're finally old enough to vote.
And whoever wins the New Hampshire is the early leader for the nomination.
Oh no.
What happens if the person I don't care about gets the nomination over the other person that I don't care about? All politicians are the same.
No there not.
Yes, some of them are terrible, but if you do some research, you'll find some of them really, really terrible.
If you vote, you'll be proud that you help elect somebody who is just terrible.
She's probably just hungry.
She'll feel better about the government once she eats a drawer full of condiments.
You are watching "The Conners" live right now, in front of a studio audience.
Hey, Louise.
Hey, Darlene.
What's up? We were on our way to the grocery store, but that seemed like a lot of work.
So we came here.
Becky, I was going to call you.
I'm leaving on tour with my band on Wednesday.
I was wondering if you could cover my shift for a week until - my replacement starts.
- Sure, how long will you be gone? - At least three months.
- Wow.
Dad didn't mention you were going on tour.
- He didn't? - Nope.
I bet he was upset when he found out you were leaving.
Did he tell you he didn't want - you to go? - No, he said it was a great opportunity and I should take it.
So I'm taking it.
Dad is an idiot, for letting her go.
A woman with that waistline in this town, and no meth problem? You're not going to find that.
Yeah, I bet he already regrets it.
That's why he's been in such a bad mood.
He's worried she's going to meet somebody on the road.
Why would Louise cheat on dad? They're dating.
Are they though? The only time I saw him touch her, they were sitting on the couch and he nodded off and fell over.
I can't believe dad is going to blow it with Louise and there is nothing we can do about it.
Oh, hell, yeah there is.
Dad hasn't dated in over 45 years.
It's like chipping a neanderthal out of the ice.
You can't just shave him and throw him on tinder.
We got to step in.
So, what are you saying? You're going to get Dad to tell Louise he loves her in two days.
He's never even said that to me.
Take a hint and move on.
Look, we all know that dad opens up when he drinks, right? So, we just throw a fake little going away party, for Louise.
We get a few shots in him, and maybe he opens up and tells her how he feels and cements the relationship.
- That's a great idea.
- No, it's not.
- No, it's not.
- Look, it's all I got.
Do you want to be helping dad off the pot when he's 80? I'm back to liking it.
Louise, couldn't help overhearing, even though my Nanna calls eaves dropping the devils radio.
I work with Dan every day.
And no matter what he says, he's going to be missing his lady - like crazy.
- I'm not his lady.
And just between us, Dan couldn't commit to a real relationship.
So I broke up with him.
Louise, I'm shook.
But I understand what a tough nut to crack Dan is.
This one time, he and I had a few beers, throwing firecrackers at one another.
I made the mistake of opening up.
But it's okay.
I didn't say I love you for him.
I said it for me.
Thanks, Dwight.
I'm just glad I'm going on this tour.
I really don't want to see him right now.
So, we get them in the same room together and just let the magic happen? I think dad will really thank - us for getting involved.
- Maybe your dad will.
My dad is a vengeful god who will strike us down and scatter our bones to the four corners of the earth.
It doesn't mean we still can't have a nice evening.
What's the update on New Hampshire? 15% of the vote is in.
I have a theory the DNC is holding back some of the results.
They don't want to affect the numbers in Iowa.
You're not letting that go, huh? Seriously, how is Buttigieg doing? You're only asking me because we're both gay.
No, I just thought you were really into mayors.
Okay, I'm sorry I made that assumption that Buttigieg was your candidate.
That was pretty unevolved on my part.
Hey, oh, you're watching the primary? How is your boyfriend doing? Wow, Ben.
Some people don't get it, right? He's an excellent politician, and qualified to be president.
But he's not necessarily my candidate just because he's gay.
Did all black people vote for - Obama? - Yeah, pretty much.
- About 96%.
- Okay.
Beverly Rose is asleep.
Can I get my baby-sitting money now? Here you go.
You get the other half if you're here when I get back.
What they thought was strong performance by Amy Klobuchar.
Is the primary almost over? No, but Sanders is doing well.
Some experts think if he wins, there's a chance he might stop yelling.
It doesn't matter.
Bloomberg just bought the state and renamed it New Bloomshire.
Is your boyfriend still in the running? Oh, my god.
If you don't take this seriously, you get the government you deserve.
It just so happens that Pete has a lot of interesting ideas about health care and a puggle rescue that is incredibly cute.
Becky, we better get going, we got to get there before your dad.
It is a dog fight on the Democratic side.
Bernie Sanders is leading.
Man, Warren could use a boost.
It's nice to have a candidate who is also a single mom.
She provided child care for the caucuses last week.
I was this close to flying to Iowa so I could go to a movie.
If we have to watch this stupid thing, then let me have the laptop.
- I have to study for my G.
- What does G.
stand for? - General Equivalency Degree.
- There, you just passed.
No, you are not even going to study.
You're just going to take an edible and then surf the web for post-ironic t-shirts.
What the hell? You almost broke my laptop, you psycho.
You don't care about my stuff.
You don't care about anything but yourself.
- Relax, it's not broken.
- You don't live here.
So why don't you just leave? And don't say good-bye this time, either.
What? - You're mad that I moved out? - Yeah.
You just walked out and left me here with these crazy people.
Whoa, hey, hey.
You don't get to make me feel guilty just because I'm trying to live my own life.
If you look at our family, you may not know it, but people are supposed to move out.
I have no one to talk to now.
I told grandpa I had a boy crush, and we watched Spartacus and ate a bucket of fried chicken.
So, you got KFC.
What's your problem? I do have a problem, but it's a waste of time talking to you.
Screw you! We only have one TV in the house.
You have to leave.
Oh, hey.
Thanks for offering to close up, it's pretty dead in here.
I'm going to go home and pack.
Where the hell are D.
and dad? Louise is going to leave.
I'll stall her.
Wait! We're not going to see you for a while, and I just want to let you know what an inspiration you are, all the things you've taught me.
Like putting rice in the salt shakers.
- Surprise! - It's your going away party.
- You told me she already left.
- Yes, I did.
This is sweet, but I have to get home.
Wait, not until we get a good picture of you.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
That way you'll have a picture you of Dan you can take with you on the road because they change so fast at this age.
Louise, I knew nothing about this.
Hold on a second.
I can't get it off selfie.
Why didn't you tell your family that we broke up? Because if I talk to my family, that encourages them to - talk back to me.
- Now it's on landscape.
- Hold on.
- All right, look.
Let's not embarrass anybody, get this over quick, and you can - tell them when I leave.
- Okay, I got it.
All right, this was great.
But I have to get home.
I'm leaving so early in the morning.
Why go to bed at all? Let's do some shots.
To Louise, we're going to miss you.
To Louise! To Dan, who is going to miss Louise.
To Dan! To Louise and Dan, who will miss each other.
- To Louise and Dan! - Darlene, stop.
Okay, dad, then you make a toast.
- To Louise.
- I said stop.
I know what you're doing, and I don't want to do this.
Louise, wait.
Let me drive you home.
No, I need this to end.
And I really need you to leave me alone.
Sorry, guys.
You know, here in the Conner family, we're not shy about - telling you how we feel.
- We're telling you, democracy only works if you get off your butt and vote.
We're teaming up with I am a voter to encourage people to make sure they're registered.
We even make it a family affair by going to the polls together.
Afterwards, we go for pizza and have an embarrassing public fight about how we voted.
But, you can't make people feel stupid about their choice, unless you vote.
Visit iamavoter.
com To double-check your voter registration and get all the information you need to be ready to vote in every election.
The day after the contest is over is a tough day if you didn't get any delegates in the previous state.
If Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden Hey.
I checked the primary on my phone.
The older candidates are saying they have a bigger advantage over the younger candidates because they have more experience.
But I say a rap battle at a club will make it way more fair.
Aunt Jackie is back, she'll watch the baby now, you can leave.
Look, I'm not going anywhere.
I want to hear about this problem - you've got.
- You know you are just doing this because I made you feel guilty.
That's the only reason anybody does anything good.
Come on, spill the tea.
Remember Austin? Well, we kind of got together again.
But he ignores me at school because he doesn't want anyone to know he's gay.
He even makes fun of me sometimes, and it makes me feel really bad about myself.
- But I like him.
- Dump his ass.
But it's not all his fault.
His family just doesn't accept - him for who he is.
- That doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap, Mark.
- Boy, bye.
- But No.
You wanted me back in your life, you got me back in your life.
From now on, you're running all - of your boyfriends by me.
- And if you ever get a boyfriend, you can run him by me.
I'm a strong, independent woman.
Therefore, I'm alone.
Who's ahead? I don't know.
The Bachelor promos at the bottom of the screen keep covering it up.
Oh, they moved the rose.
Bernie has 28%.
Klobuchar is up to 21%.
And Yang dropped out.
How did the party go? Well, it was a going away party, and she certainly went away.
Nice job, you threw a party for two people who broke up last week.
You broke up? Why didn't you tell us? Because it's none of your damn business? Got it.
What happened? You're never going to stop, are you? Louise broke up with me because I wasn't ready to commit.
- And now you've made it worse.
- Don't blame us.
You have been dragging your feet with her forever.
We were giving you a chance to make it right.
I was going to make it right when I was ready.
I've been having a hell of a time getting over your mom.
- So I went to church.
- You went to church? Yes, I went to church.
They were having a rummage sale and I drifted in.
I was looking for a new radio for the truck, and I figured nobody is going to screw you in the church.
The father was there, and I told - him what was bothering me.
- What did he say? Don't laugh.
He told me to write a letter to your mom about how guilty I was feeling about Louise, and then set it on fire, so I could let it go and move on.
- Did you do it? - No.
I was going to do it in two weeks on your mom's birthday, and talk to Louise.
But now it's pointless.
She never wants to see me again.
Oh, come on, dad.
You're just going to give up and be one of those weird old dudes that goes to the DMV to be around people? Just let us help you.
We can figure something out.
No, we aren't figuring anything out.
I will figure something out in my way.
- In my time.
- Fine.
It's all you.
When you say in my time, are you - talking months, years? - Just give us a ballpark.
- Go to your rooms.
- We're not children.
- You want to pay rent? - Go, Becky, go! Bernie Sanders' team will point out if that were the case Hello? Hi, this is Hillary Clinton and I'm calling on behalf of the - Democratic party.
- Stupid robo call.
No, people have accused me of being a robot, but this is really Hillary Clinton.
It's her.
She must be trying to get people to vote.
Hello, hang on.
Let me get where there is better reception.
Okay, this is better.
Yeah, I see that you just turned 18, Harris.
And this is a very important election.
You know, as I gaze upon the Lincoln Memorial, here in our nation's capital, I think about the role of women in this election, and how we're stronger together.
Hey, while you're in the nation's capital, would you mind cleaning the lint trap? Ah! Harris, just vote.
- Why? - Because some of these people are trying to help you.
Warren and Sanders want to pay your college tuition.
Yang wants to give you $1,000 a month.
And Biden wants to decriminalize marijuana.
Wow, well, if I ever get to college, I am going to need some weed and spending money.
Okay, I'll vote for them.
This country is doomed.

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