The Conners (2018) s04e20 Episode Script

A Judge and a Priest Walk Into a Living Room...

1 "The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Okay.
Now let's see what we all agree on for the wedding.
Nothing.
So we'll start from there.
Uh, okay.
Under "Entertainment," I think we can safely cross off Fleetwood Mac.
Why? We really want them, and you never know unless you try.
I-I I think Lindsey Buckingham lives in the area.
I'm almost positive I saw him at the Goodwill.
And you should see him now bald, overweight.
He's virtually unrecognizable.
Okay, you saw a random old lady with alopecia.
Near miss.
Moving on.
Oh, Harris and Aldo, I was a little surprised by your choice.
Now, I did not figure you guys for patrons of the opera.
Okay, so, I met this guy at the tattoo shop.
Listen to this.
So wait and pray each night for me ♪ Till we meet again ♪ I mean, it's not "Landslide," but it's pretty good.
Well, all in favor? - Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey! Okay.
Our first unanimous choice is opera.
Did not see that coming.
Uh, okay, next, location.
Oh, come on.
It has to be the reptile house at the zoo.
I removed something from the gullet of Totoro, their Komodo dragon.
He ate his girlfriend, so this is the closest he's ever gonna get to a wedding.
Okay, we have a choice that's way better the shores of the Des Plains River.
Shores? There's just a cement bank with the skeletons of the animals that drank out of the river.
Oh, yeah, but I mean a block further down where the current washes the carcasses into the lake.
It is so pretty.
Why don't you just have it here at the house? We'll move the furniture out, the place will look great, and you can save a ton of money.
Great idea, Dan.
Thanks.
I think you've earned yourself a beer.
If you insist.
- Yeah? Huh? - Yeah! Hey, hey, hey! Okay, great, we got a location.
Next, ceremony.
Okay, okay, this is my only ask.
I really want one piece of the wedding to feel like me, so instead of a priest, I would like the person officiating the ceremony to be someone secular.
The guy who just notarized my home loan is a retired judge, and he said he would be happy to do it.
Well, I don't know.
Okay, how about this? What if we take all our wedding announcement pictures for the newspaper at The Lunch Box and we all hold stew instead of bouquets? Oh, honey, please? Free advertising gets Mama's motor runnin'.
Wow, I never imagined getting married by a judge instead of a priest, but I want to make you happy, so sentence me to your love prison and throw away the key, Your Honor.
Hey, everybody, the bakery just sent over samples of wedding cakes.
If you want to get in there before Beverly Rose has licked all of them, you better hurry.
Don't you want to pick out a cake? I've seen your daughter drink toilet water.
I'll go with the group.
So Did you get Aldo off the having a baby right away thing? Yeah.
Usually when he comes up with an idea, he gets distracted by something else and forgets about it.
So I got him a 2,000-piece Lego Taj Mahal.
That should buy me 10 to 15 years.
04x20 - A Judge and a Priest Walk Into a Living Room - Hey, Harris? - Hey.
I want to surprise Neville with something for the wedding, so could you tattoo his name on my ring finger? So, Aldo is the lettering master, but if you want Neville riding a dragon between your boobs, I could do that.
Uh, let's start with the finger first, and, uh, but, yeah, maybe for our silver anniversary, when there's more space between the girls.
I can't wait for the weddings.
If any family needed a boost of fresh DNA, this is it.
Hey, stop jawin' and fold that afghan, would ya? Man, this has been here forever, right? Where'd it come from? Well, it's an interesting story.
Around the turn of the last century our family lived in a small town in Ireland called Kilkenny.
Aah! They killed Kenny! Save whatever that is for your kids.
Anyway they were very poor, so my great-grandfather decided to take a boat to America to seek his fortune.
But the family was worried that the baby, my my grandfather, would die from the cold.
Your grandfather was a baby.
So was yours.
Anyway, they crocheted that to keep the baby warm.
That afghan represents the hopes and dreams of our family coming to America.
I guess all the hopes and dreams fell through the holes.
What you looking at? Oh, uh, now that I'm gonna be moving into the new house with Darlene, I adjusted the plans.
Here, check it out.
See, I'm taking out this guest bedroom with the bath and I'm putting in a music room for me and Mark.
- Hmm.
- Huh? That's my room.
Oh, damn.
Well, I didn't know you were still planning on moving in with us.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's fine.
There's a little Harry Potter space under the stairs.
I can raise Beverly Rose there.
At least until she starts hunching over.
Then we can move to the tool shed.
It's taller.
Don't be silly.
My golf clubs go under the stairs.
Ben doesn't want me there.
He thinks I'll be in the way.
No, I'm sure they both want you there.
But if not, over time, you'll learn to ignore all the snide comments and the way their bodies tense up when you walk through the door.
Ah, here's another dusty, old thing that's been on the couch forever.
I tried putting it out on the curb, but no one will take it.
See? Over time, it gets easier.
Hey, babe.
Before we grab lunch, can we stop and pick up my tux? It's so cool.
They added panels to the pant legs to accommodate my calves.
Don't need 'em Hulkin' out during the ceremony.
Smash! No, no, we need to talk.
W-What's up? I went to go check our wedding registry, and I saw that someone bought us a breast pump, and I thought, "That's weird as hell.
" And then I realized you changed the wedding registry to a baby shower registry.
Yeah, well, I got no baby stuff left over from my kids 'cause my ex turned our garage into a meth lab and blew it all up! I told you I didn't want to have a baby right away.
Why would you do that? I'm almost 40, and I want to have a child with the woman I love, and I need to have it now.
Okay, well, I'm 20, and I don't want to have a baby now.
How about in a year? No.
I don't know if it's going to be 5 years or 10 years or 15 years.
15 years? Who knows how old I'll be in 15 years? That's not gonna work for me.
I don't care if it doesn't work for you.
I'm the one who has to have the baby.
Then why are we even getting married? You only wanted to marry me so we could have a baby right away? Of course that wasn't the only reason.
But it it is a big one.
Then maybe we're getting married for different reasons.
Maybe we're not getting married at all.
What are you saying? That you won't marry me? Yeah.
I guess I am.
I know I am.
No, I-I'm not gonna be pressured into something this important.
I didn't want it to be pressure.
I-I wanted it to be something that we both wanted.
And it's not.
How you doing? Not great.
I know it's gonna be hard to be a bridesmaid in a wedding where you were supposed to be a bride.
Oh, my God, I have to be a bridesmaid?! Thanks, Becky.
I was gonna break it to her slowly.
That's what these dinosaur-shaped chicken tenders are for.
Look, you know how badly I want you there, right, but I will totally understand if you can't do it.
I'm not gonna let what happened between me and Aldo ruin your wedding.
Aww, thank you.
And before you take a bite, you should know that's good, healthy, plant-based chicken.
That is a Tofu-dactyl and that's a Tyranno-soy-rus Rex.
This whole thing is going to be so hard.
And now I have to find a new place to live too.
Hey, how about you get a place with your Aunt Becky? It'll be like in the olden days one generation taking care of the next, helping each other with our burdens.
I'm not gonna be your niece-wife and help you raise your kid.
Even if it's true, that's a lousy thing to accuse me of! Then you say, "I do, I do," rings, rings, and then I say, "By the power vested in me by the State of Illinois," bam, you're married, and we're done in time to catch the end of the Cubs game.
Hey, sweet.
Okay, well, I'll see you on the big day.
Get some rest.
Oh, don't forget to vote, even in the small elections.
Hey, if I promise to do all that stuff, can you fix a parking ticket for me? Excuse me, I thought I was in Illinois.
It's gonna be great, right? I can't do this.
He has no soul.
I have commemorated every important event in my life in God's presence with a priest, and now, I'm getting married, and God's not gonna watch it.
He's gonna do dishes until the reruns of "Highway to Heaven" come on.
Watching with Michael Landon, I might add! C-Come on, Neville, Neville.
We were taught that God is everywhere.
H-H-He's in this family, being all around us.
Okay, no disrespect, and I love them very much, but that family's all going to hell! I need God in this house when I get married, or Jackie and I are getting married somewhere else.
Oh, damn it.
This isn't fair.
This was our wedding first.
What? I let Neville believe that Michael Landon is watching television in the clouds with God.
I could've buried that guy.
So, now, Neville doesn't want to get married with Ben and Darlene unless they bring in a priest.
The whole thing is a mess.
You're lucky you got out when you did.
Do these look like tears of luck? Ow.
- Done.
- Okay.
No.
It was supposed to say "Neville.
" You wrote "Never.
" Uh, I'm I'm so sorry.
After the "Nev," I-I got caught up thinking about how I'd never be happy again, and then the "Er" just came out naturally.
You moron! You've jinxed my wedding! I have "never" written on my ring finger! As if I'll never be happy, I'll never get married, I'll never be able to slap my mother with my wedding ring so it leaves a dent! How 'bout I put "Neville" on your neck for free? No, I'm not letting you near my jugular! - Oh! - Ah! This whole wedding, it's going to hell.
My finger's gonna fall off because Aldo botched my tattoo.
Neville will only get married if there's a priest.
We don't fix that, I end up a nine-fingered spinster! Okay, you're overreacting.
You're going to be a ninefingered married lady.
Oh.
You and Neville can get a priest, and Ben and I will just get married another time.
What? No, no.
We have to get married together.
Why is this such a big deal to you? Because I keep thinking about your mom and how she was so worried that you and I would never be happy, and she'd say, "There's gotta be somebody out there lucky enough to get Darlene.
There's gotta be somebody out there desperate and broken enough to marry Jackie.
" Okay, but Mom is gone, and she's not gonna know.
I believe that your mom's spirit is gonna be at the wedding.
And I think that she would be so happy to watch us get married together.
I think she's laughing her ass off that I'm trapped in this thing, but okay.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- All we need to do - Yeah? is find a way to have a priest there for Neville and a judge there for me.
Or Or go with me on this.
What if we have a priest there for Neville and a judge there for you? Wow.
Where did that come from? Right? It's late.
And I can't sleep without the gentle iron-lung sound of your CPAP machine.
I'm just thinking about tomorrow.
I know.
The kids are moving on with their lives.
But it's not like they're leaving tomorrow.
We still have to build the house for them.
Yeah, but it's the beginning of the end.
I have a feeling this marriage is gonna stick for Darlene, and once their house is finished, she'll take Harris and Mark and Becky and Beverly Rose too.
Okay.
I'm gonna jump in here.
I've given you a couple of chances to say, "But I got you, babe, and that's enough.
" Well, now that you said it, I don't need to.
Yeah, you do, and you better.
You know how much I love you, and you know it's not the same.
I'm sure they'll come back all the time with a whole bunch of emotional problems.
You did a lousy job raising them.
So you got that to hang onto.
Okay, I finally see it.
What? Why Ben would marry you.
I really didn't get it till just now.
Turns out the only thing keeping you from looking decent was a shower and a brush.
Save it for your toast.
Anyway, I've been thinking.
You and Ben are starting a new life.
So I've decided it's better that I don't move in with you.
Oh.
Um, well, it's it's up to you, but I was really hoping that you would.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, Ben and I aren't gonna have kids, and he really wants one, and I think Beverly Rose running around the house would be good for him.
So you're just using me for my kid? Unless you want to play hide-and-seek with Ben.
It isn't really about Beverly Rose, is it? After all our ups and downs? You just love your sister and you want her around? Ugh, fine! It's not bad enough I have to tell Ben I love him in a couple minutes, now I have to tell you too? This is why I don't wear a dress.
People get all emotional.
What the hell? That's the opera singer that Aldo hired.
His name is Puddles and he's a famous lifestyle clown.
That means he never talks and just looks like that all the time.
Here come the brides ♪ All dressed in white ♪ Sweetly, serenely in love's golden light ♪ Sweet love united ♪ - Damn, that clown can sing.
- Yeah.
For eternity ♪ Welcome.
We are here to celebrate these joyous unions before the eyes of God.
And for the atheists among us, before the eyes of our friends and family, who are actually real.
Really? Just a happy accident.
We ask God for His blessings upon these two loving couples, and we call upon Him to watch over and protect these unions.
The couples will now share their vows - before God.
- And Abraham Lincoln.
You know, since we're playing "Let's Pretend.
" - Um - Does Does that say "never"? Yeah, it was a mistake, and the old Jackie would've taken it as a bad sign and freaked out and ruined the whole wedding, but because of you, I can see things in a different way now.
So it stands for I've never been happier, I've never been more optimistic about the future, and I'll never leave you.
Aww.
- Oy.
- Sorry.
As soon as this is done here, I've got to get this drained.
Uh, to me, uh, "never" stands for never been married because I never thought I would find the perfect woman.
But I did.
The first time you walked into my office for a job, I took one look at you and thought, "Oh, this little kid must be lost.
" Then I realized you were a grown adult, which made it much easier to be attracted to you.
Ugh, no.
This isn't really - turning out the way I anticipated.
- Yeah.
Darlene.
Whatever life brings us, I know it's going to be okay because I'll have you by my side.
And there's not a moment in my life that won't be made better sharing it with you.
I have made so many mistakes in my life.
And it's just it's crazy, 'cause I keep being thrown blessings, like my family and my kids.
And finally you.
I do not feel like I deserve you, but I'm gonna do everything I can to make you happy and hang on to you for the rest of my life.
I love you, Ben.
I don't think there's anything to add to that.
Except Ha! Ha! She said "blessings.
" So what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
Wait, we forgot the "I dos.
" Uh, well well, do it.
- Oh, I do.
- I-I do! - I do.
- I do.
By the power vested in me by the State of Illinois And God, who created the State of Illinois when He was creating everything else We now pronounce you husbands and wives.
It had to be you ♪ It had to be you ♪ I wandered around ♪ Finally found somebody who ♪ Could make me be true ♪ Could make me be blue ♪
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