The Conners (2018) s05e04 Episode Script

1
This is the last of the sausage rolls.
I know it's against your nature,
but try chewing this time.
I will decline in anticipation
of the cupcakes you hid
in the pots and pans drawer.
- So how long is Mary staying with you?
- Louise: About a month.
She's splitting her time
between us and her grandmother
till DJ gets back
from visiting Geena in Germany.
Yeah, having a spouse in the military,
that's gotta be hard on a marriage.
Right up there with
hiding cupcakes. Call.
- Yo!
- Ah!
Suck it, losers! Full house!
Oh! Damn it. Haven't won
a game in 150 hands.
Maybe not, but you are lucky in love.
Yeah, yeah, love don't buy
mama no Soda Stream!
Ugh. The coroner. That's a big "no."
Why is the coroner calling you?
When they find someone
in a forest preserve
that's been chewed up,
they want me to identify the animal
by the bite or claw marks.
It's always a bear.
I will call them back in the morning.
How can you be sure it's a bear?
Because if something
has ripped the head off,
it's probably not a raccoon.
Neville, they are really
trying to get a hold of you.
Neville Goldufsky. DVM. What do you got?
What?
Oh, my God.
Uh, yes. I'll be right down.
Thank you. I-I mean, I-I appreciate it.
Thank you.
What?
Our brother Aaron's dead.
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
♪
♪
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
Come on. You're up.
You can stare at it forever,
but you gotta pick
a utility bill to pay.
Alright. You feeling lucky?
Every day when I wake up
in the basement.
Okay, the dryer's
been broken for a month.
Let's go gas bill!
Damn it! Electric bill.
Ah, yes!
I've been running my space
heater every night for free.
Hey, don't get cocky.
The cellphone bill is still
coiled up in there like a cobra.
Hey. Isn't your grandma coming in?
No, she says she's too old to be
exposed to this "filthy house."
Last time she came in
for coffee, she got pinkeye.
Yeah, I guess
if you didn't grow up here,
you don't build up an immunity
to our filth.
So, tonight we're gonna do
all your favorite stuff!
We're gonna make s'mores
and hot chocolate,
and after we're all twitchy
from the sugar
we'll play Operation.
Mnh ehr!
No, thanks. I'm kinda tired.
I'm just gonna hang out in
my room and go to sleep early.
Something's going on with Mary.
The last few weeks she's been
here, she's spent all her time
in her room with the door locked.
And now she doesn't even want
to mainline sugar with you
and play her favorite game?
You're right.
She's antisocial, she's lethargic,
hates fun.
If she stops caring
how she dresses, she's you!
Yeah, she's me at 14. She's depressed.
With all the pressure to fit in,
14 is brutal for a girl anyway.
Even for me, and I was
exceptionally popular and pretty.
DJ is traveling all the time,
her mom is still stationed overseas,
she's being shuttled back
and forth between two homes.
I mean, what if she's in,
like, a really dark place?
I-I'm gonna talk to her
and help her get through this.
Just because you're depressed
doesn't make you an expert.
I'm a Psych major.
I'm being trained to
handle people in crisis.
I'll talk to her.
Why don't you stick to
addiction? That's your specialty.
When she's guzzling cough syrup
through a crazy straw
out of her pencil bag, you're up.
Fine. We'll both talk to her.
Feeling lucky?
Alright. Come on
Senior Lifeline basic
cable. No Whammies!
Yes! Cable!
Uh Dad ordered the Sunday NFL Ticket.
Damn it!
♪
Hey.
Oh, God. You read my journal.
I didn't do any of those things.
I-I'm writing a screenplay.
No.
Louise and Neville's brother
had a heart attack and died.
Neville and Jackie are
bringing his son, Caleb, over.
I'm sorry. I didn't even know
you guys had a brother.
It's okay. We weren't close.
Aaron was a drunken,
lying degenerate that destroyed
everything he touched
and drove us all away.
God rest his soul.
You can do all that
and still get to God.
That changes my plans.
Caleb is obviously a troubled
kid growing up with my brother,
but he's only 17, and they're
gonna put him in a foster home
if he doesn't come live with me
and Dan or Jackie and Neville.
Oh, great.
We're taking in an angry teen!
Normally we make 'em here
and ship 'em out.
Are you sure this is a better
environment than a foster home?
The criminals who come to live here
just become better criminals.
Well, it's only a year.
You know, when he's 18,
he's gonna want to go out on his own.
I submit to the court exhibits A and B!
Hey! Look who's here!
Hey, everybody. We're home with Caleb.
Caleb, this is your family,
who all love you very much.
Very, very much!
And I love you
ancient guy,
hot old lady, blondie
flannel dude.
You forgot me.
No I didn't Backwoods Jessica Rabbit.
Maybe we're all coming on too strong.
Let's start over.
I'm your Aunt Louise.
We know you're hurting and that
all of this is very awkward,
but we just felt that we owed you
the option of being able
to live with family.
This is your cousin, Darlene.
Come on. Give him a hug.
Sorry about your dad.
Not as sorry as the whiskey industry.
I'd like my hug back.
Hey. I'm cousin Becky.
I'm only hugging you
because you called my sister
"flannel dude."
- And this is my husband, your Uncle Dan.
- Oh.
You're with him?
He must have a ton of life insurance.
He thinks I have life insurance.
That's That's funny.
Where should I put my stuff?
We're all booked up on rooms,
so tonight you can sleep
in the empty trailer out back.
Ah. Nothing says welcome to the
family like sleeping outside.
Is that where you hillbillies
keep the moonshine?
That's an unfair stereotype!
You can't miss it.
It's right through the kitchen
and then turn left at the chicken coop.
Oh, can we keep him?
Please, please, please?
I want him so bad!
Louise: Wow.
I know he's been through a lot,
but what does he have against us?
Well, as Lanford's leading
life coach, I don't know.
But as the child of a monster
who somehow managed to be
both abusive and negligent,
I'm pretty sure he's got
some major trust issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- Harris, he seems to like you.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Find out why he's being
so hostile towards us.
Great, yeah. He's angry and creepy.
I would love to go into
a tiny trailer with him.
If I don't come back, burn my journal.
It's not a screenplay.
Hey, Mary, could you
come down here for a minute?!
Remember, when she comes down,
we are here to listen,
not to judge or lecture.
Don't patronize me, Sister Golden Hair.
You don't know half of what I do
about crippling sadness.
Ah, that's two out of two.
Nice shootin'.
Hey, Mary, we just want to
talk to you for a second.
Sure. What's up?
Uh, Aunt Darlene and I have
noticed a few things
that we want to talk to you about.
Like?
Well, you don't seen to want
to be around anyone lately.
I mean, I think it goes without saying
that none of us really wants to be here,
but it does seem
out of character for you.
We're just worried.
Withdrawing from people, sleeping a lot,
losing interest
in things you used to enjoy
are all signs of depression.
Okay. I knew I couldn't
hide this from you.
Yes. I'm depressed.
I'm sure it's just a phase
and I'll feel better soon.
Love you. Thanks!
- Mary?
- Yeah?
You know, depression feels endless,
not like a passing phase.
Well, I'm new at it.
I'm sure it'll feel
endless soon. Thanks.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Is that that a new dress
you're wearing?
I think it is, and I love how her nails
match her lipstick, don't you?
And somebody's blowing up your phone.
I don't think you're depressed,
I think you got a boyfriend.
No. I'm super miserable.
Mary, no depressed person
puts on a dress,
nail polish, and lipstick.
A depressed person looks like this.
Okay, fine. I have a boyfriend.
Why didn't you just tell us?
Because you'll embarrass me
just like Grandma Rose did
- with your boyfriends.
- Uh, no, you're lucky it's us.
She would have already
shown him the video
of you falling down in the kiddie pool
'cause your diaper
was too full to stand up.
Here's the deal.
We're not gonna embarrass you,
but we can't let you go out
with somebody we don't know.
We're gonna have to meet him.
Fine.
Just be nice, okay?
"Be nice." Ha ha!
- Hey.
- Hey. What's up?
Well, Mary has been
sneaking around with some boy,
so we told her
she had to bring him over.
So what do you need?
Should I be sitting shirtless on
the couch sharpening my knives,
or would you prefer me
sitting at the table
in the dark cleaning a gun?
Well, as effective as
those were at driving us
into the arms of the wrong men,
we think we got this.
You got me all worked up to scare a kid.
Holler if you need me.
♪
To screwed-up families.
Sorry about your dad.
I mean, even though you guys
didn't get along,
it still must be rough.
It is rough. I'm hurting bad.
I'm just gonna go ahead and ask.
Ever had orphan sex?
Not happening.
I'm just here to find out
what the beef is
with Neville and Louise.
They avoided my dad because
they knew he was a nightmare.
But they didn't care
I had to live with him.
It's not always easy to take
a kid away from a parent,
no matter how bad they are.
They had their chance.
When I was 9, he went to jail,
and they called them to come get me.
No one showed up.
I had to live on my own for three months
until child services
dropped a net over me.
That's weird.
I mean, Neville and Louise
are good people.
Once, I saw Neville put eczema cream
on the little feet of a naked mole rat.
Well, that's super creepy.
Anyway, that was the end of me
hoping someone would rescue me.
Now I feel like I'd rather do
the foster-care thing
than live with people
who bailed on a 9-year-old.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
It all just hurts so bad.
There's only one person
who can save me from the pain.
You know what? I'm just
gonna stop you right there.
Save it for hitting
on your future foster mom.
♪
So when his dad called you,
neither of you guys came to get him.
I feel horrible.
Aaron lied so many times
about needing bail money,
I just assumed the bastard
was lying again.
It sounds like you've got
a hole in your heart
that only taking him
into your home would fill.
Yeah, well, you guys fight it out.
But if he's gonna stay here,
I have to hide my stash better
because I have a feeling
he won't hesitate
to look in a tampon box for weed.
Which is where it was until right now.
Oh, no.
I guess we should talk
about Caleb living here.
We could put him on a cot in the
hallway like a field hospital.
- It'll be fun.
- Ohh.
Well, let's be honest here.
Neither one of you guys want him.
You're feeling guilty,
and you're some kind
of weird child hoarder.
The best person to take him is me.
What?
When you say "me," you mean "we."
I don't understand why
you would want to do this.
Louise was beating herself up
about not being there for the kid.
Let's help her finish the job.
Look, I know it's weird, but I just feel
a connection with the kid.
And I know you're not
thrilled about this,
but you'd rather have him live with us
than live with strangers right?
Y-Yes.
- I-I want him
- I do
- him to live with us.
- us.
Thank you.
Oh, crap. I just remembered.
The only thing that Harris is gonna
find in that tampon box is tampons.
That's why I shouldn't be a mom.
I steal drugs from children.
I hope you left room
for some fresh baked cookies.
They're LL Cool J's favorite.
"Mama Said Knock You Out"
for a chocolate-chip scotchie.
I'm still leaning towards foster home,
but keep the bribes comin'.
Damn it.
Oh, no.
I'm pushing too hard, aren't I?
I think letting him have our bed to
sleep in tonight is a little much.
His dad treated him like crap.
I want him to feel special,
not like my mother.
When I wanted to sleep in her bed,
she said it made the bed smell like me
and she didn't need
that constant reminder.
You do leave a scent, but I love it.
Aww! That's why I love you.
Because you remind me that I do matter.
And that's what I want for him.
Mm.
Can you run down
to the convenience store?
We're almost out of milk for breakfast.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you, my love.
Aww. Hey. Have Have you
seen my watch?
Hunh-unh. Should be right there. No?
Oh, duh. No, I dropped it off
at the shop for cleaning.
Oh. Yeah.
That calf was coming so fast,
I really didn't have time
to take it off.
Yeah.
Caleb.
Yeah?
I think you might have mistakenly taken
Neville's watch when you were, you know,
looking for something to steal.
You shouldn't leave stuff laying around
if you don't want it stolen.
You don't need a watch. You need a plan.
I had a plan until you took the watch!
Sit down.
You know, a foster family would
have called the cops on you,
and that's not gonna happen here.
You're stealing because
you feel worthless.
Because you think that
that's all you can do.
I know what that feels like.
That's why you have to live here.
Why do you care so much?
You're not even my real aunt.
Oh, we're related in a different way.
You and I are both members
of the horrible parents club,
and nobody who's not been
through that can understand us.
You know the password
to get into the clubhouse?
"You're the reason I drink"?
Ohh! That's like a hug.
We can't let their bitterness
define who we are.
Anything you want to be or do,
you can do that now.
There's nobody to tell you
that you're not good enough
or smart enough.
See, you're lucky that your dad's dead
because that's gonna shave years
off this whole process.
Well, then I'm glad I killed him.
Oh, wow. Okay. Wow.
Um, okay, well, I mean, I'm
sure he deserved it.
God, no. I'm kidding.
Oh, oka Okay!
Well, now you know what kind
of love you're gonna get here.
Brayton, this is my
Aunt Darlene and Aunt Becky.
Brayton: Great to meet you.
Mary told me how much
she looks up to you both.
Oh, aren't you a little smoothie?
Alright. Tell us about yourself.
Interests, life goals,
how many kids you have,
your favorite movies.
No kids yet. I'd like to
get out of middle school first.
Um, my favorite movie is "Ant-Man,"
and I'm really good at math and science,
so I'm hoping to get a job at
a private spaceflight company.
So do you believe young people
going into space
should have sex before they get married?
Aunt Becky!
I don't know.
I never really thought about it.
Oh. Come on, Brayton. That's
all teenage boys think about.
And you better think twice
before you pressure
a sweet, naive young girl
into having sex.
Okay. We're gonna go.
Hold on. Hold on.
Look, Brayton, we don't know
much about you,
but you are her first boyfriend.
- Third.
- Third?!
We love Mary, and we want to make sure
you treat her right and with respect.
He does, and he will because he
knows what he'll get if he doesn't.
Come on, Brayton. We're going.
Can I finish my cookie?
Are we gonna have a good day
or a bad day?
Apparently the Conner alpha lady gene
is getting stronger with each generation.
We were worried about her,
but now I'm kinda worried about Brayton.
♪
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Hey, we're just bringing
some of my clothes
back here to store them again
because I'm hoping I might
be able to make some room
in one of my closets for you.
Can we talk?
Sure. As much as you want.
So I've decided. No foster home.
I want you and Neville
to be my guardians.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! This is great!
We gotta start looking
at colleges right now.
You can get in anywhere. You can get in.
You're an angry abandoned orphan?
Easiest essay ever!
Okay, so, you know how you told me
- I could do or be anything I want to now?
- Yes, I do.
And that I should forget
everything my dad ever told me?
Absolutely. So what are we thinking?
Doctor? Lawyer?
I don't want to sway you,
but this this family
could use a good lawyer.
Maybe somebody who specializes in, um,
tax evasion?
Um. Marine.
Biologist?
No, the other Marine.
I just thought, for once, it'd be nice
to be someone that people look up to.
But my dad always told me
the Marines don't take losers.
So this morning I went down to the
recruiting office and I signed up.
The only thing is, I'm 17,
so I need you to sign this
so I can enlist.
Well, hold on. What
What about you living with us?
What about you going to college?
I wanted to help you.
You already did.
But I wanted it to take longer.
Hey. What's up?
I told Caleb he could do
anything, and now he's doing it.
I mean, I want what's best for him,
but he says he he thinks
he wants to join the military,
like, right away, and so
- Okay!
- I thought you'd probably w
Kid's got a good head on
his shoulders. I support him.
take a few minutes to Ohh.
This isn't fair.
I just got you.
I'll send you a bumper sticker
that says "My Son is a Marine."
Well.
That would make me proud.
- Thank you!
- Yeah.
I'm gonna get this down
to the recruiting office now.
Oh
You only had a day, but you
did a great job raising him. Yeah.
By the way, did you take my
wedding ring to the jewelers, too?
Son of a bitch.
Call! Let's see 'em!
Alright. I've been
waiting for this moment.
Read 'em and weep the hell?!
You know, Becky, it's not enough
to pull a bill out of the jar.
You have to pay it, too.
I put it back in the jar
so somebody else would pull it.
Let's just call it a night.
No, no! Guys! Guys! No! Come here! Hey!
Hey. Look. I got a-a
I got a light on my phone!
I got a light! See?
Guys, come on!
I got four kings!