The Conners (2018) s05e11 Episode Script

Hey, Darlene! I need a hand.
I gotta go to a memorial service
for my high-school
English teacher on Sunday,
and I don't know what to wear.
Uh, black and shoes you
wouldn't go camping in.
Oh, I know black.
But I'm gonna see classmates
I haven't seen for over 50 years.
I don't want to look shabby
'cause I'd at least like
them to ask how I'm doing.
Then I can say "poorly,"
and we can move on.
Alright, fine.
Uh, what about the suit
you married Louise in?
I don't want to make it all sad.
It's in the happy end of the closet.
- You have happy clothes and sad clothes?
- Yeah.
Like I got a happy
daughter and a sad daughter.
And here's the happy one.
Hi! It's a beautiful day.
Let her help you.
The sad one is busy
looking for work right now.
Uh, "Must be upbeat and
like working with people."
Next.
What are you guys doing here, anyway?
Didn't I build you a house?
Well, Darlene is using your Wi-Fi,
and my mail still comes here
so I can tell the credit card company,
"I would've paid it, but it
didn't come to my new place."
What's the clothes problem?
I gotta go to a funeral on Sunday,
and I don't have anything to wear.
I got a sports coat,
but it's kinda loud.
My English teacher
would've said it's "gauche."
She just made up words like that.
She was so cool.
Here's something for you from the bank.
It says "time sensitive."
- Damn it.
- What?
My variable mortgage rate blew up,
and I owe 6 grand I don't have.
Oh, my God. How soon do they want it?
They want it now.
Can somebody get that?
Sorry. Delivery Girl Darlene's
gotta finish this job application
before she drops off some Italian food.
Damn it! I just wrote "chicken parm"
under "special skills."
Oh, my stars and garters! Smitty!
Hello, Dan!
Good to see you, brother.
Girls, this is Smitty.
I told you about him.
He's a buddy of me and your mom's
who made a killing in
the pool supply business.
Honestly, I didn't think
you'd show up for the funeral.
Why hang out with us regular
folks after you made it big?
'Cause showing the regular
folks how you made it big
is the whole point of making it big.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, Dan.
But it makes other people
feel badly about themselves,
and that makes you happy.
Well, mission accomplished.
I had to be in Chicago anyway.
I bought a hospital here.
Hey, would any of you
folks get a triple bypass
at a place called Smitty General?
Yes, I'd like one.
- Hi. I'm Becky.
- Hi.
Uh, I'm always looking for a good place
to have a mental breakdown,
if you offer those services.
- I'm Darlene.
- Hi. You're Rosie's kids.
I'm sorry about your mom.
She was a one-of-a-kind.
I don't know if you know this,
but I was almost your dad.
You still can be.
We both had a thing for your mom.
And she chose Dan. Can't blame her.
Hell of a guy.
Anyway, I just dropped by
'cause I'm giving everyone
in our gang a little gift
before we get together
at The Lobo tonight.
Oh.
"In Loving Memory of Mrs. Willens.
She always said I was going to
be someone special, and I am."
Smitty Cusamano.
Well, that's quite a tribute to her.
No, it's it's for me,
because I did so well.
I Well, I think it's fun.
I'll see you later on tonight
at The Lobo, Danny boy.
And, um, we're gonna have
a free breakfast program
at the hospital for
underserved communities.
You should come by.
Some eggs and a sausage'll
bring that color right back.
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Your attention, please.
Next up on the catwalk, in this
season's hottest winter look,
direct from Milan O's Pizza
Lanford's own Beverly Rose!
Oh, wow! Look at you.
Pretty fierce, the way
you're rocking those Fuggs.
They're real Uggs.
Wow. Those aren't cheap.
Don't worry. They're
gonna get plenty of use.
When she outgrows them,
your mom can wear them.
Ooh, burn on me.
I don't have your big, fat yeti feet.
Go put your new shoes
by the door, sweet pea.
Celebrate with me?
I finally figured out
what I'm going to do
with my psychology degree.
I talked to my advisor,
and I'm going to be
an addiction counselor.
Is this your way of telling
me that I get high too much?
Because I just took a gummy,
and I'm getting a little paranoid.
No, it's about how good I feel
helping people I've sponsored
turn their lives around.
Turns out all those years I
was getting blackout drunk,
I was just doing research.
The only downside is, I
gotta get my master's degree,
which I can't afford to do
unless I live with Ben and your mom
for two years longer than we planned.
Have you told them yet?
No big deal. I'll
just move back in here.
Nope. Louise turned the extra
bedroom into a music room,
and Grandpa moved his
weed grow downstairs.
Why? I thought he was
growing it in their closet.
He was, but the pot made
Louise's clothes smell,
and a drug dog took her down in Walmart.
So, why was this teacher so special?
She passed all the jocks
so we wouldn't get kicked off our teams.
At my graduation, she said,
"Some of you have bright futures.
Some of you don't know your butts
from a hole in the ground Dan."
Nice shout-out.
So, this is what a room full of jocks
looks like 50 years later, huh?
Hey, I resemble that remark.
So, I was never an
athlete, but Mrs. Willens,
she showed the same grade
respect to the color guard.
She used to love to
watch me twirl my guns.
You got a lot of action
twirling those guns. Yeah.
That's when my brother
fell in love with you.
Oh, yeah, everybody
loves the rifle girl.
Odd thing is, though,
nobody remembers me.
But I look basically the same,
so, uh, I guess that's
what's throwing people off.
Louise Goldufsky?
Oh.
And Jackie Harris.
Okay.
- So good to see you again.
- Yes.
Hey, Smitty, come join us at our table.
I'll go get some drinks.
How you doing, Smitty?
How's he doing?
How's he d This guy went
from blowing the whistle
at swim meets to being the
biggest name in pool supply.
That's how he's doing.
Hey, you remember how I used
to watch you start the races?
I'll say yes if we can move on.
Yeah. Movin' on.
Maybe if you watch me
walking away, you'll remember.
So I heard you and Dan got hitched.
Although I wouldn't
know it from the ring,
'cause you can barely see the stone.
Oh, hello! Peekaboo.
You know, Smitty, um, we're
all really happy for you,
but between us, could you
ease up on the money thing?
Dan's going through a rough stretch.
I'm sorry. What happened?
Oh, you know.
Bank loans, interest rates going up.
We got totally blindsided.
You guys should watch the TV.
- It's full of information.
- Here you go.
So, Dan Milady.
How much ya need?
Enough to make me feel pretty.
- No, I mean money.
- Smitty.
Hey, if you're behind on your
mortgage, let me help you out.
Oh, uh I appreciate it,
man, but we're good.
Oh, come on. I wouldn't even miss it.
That's the thing about making
your first million, Dan.
After that, the others aren't that hard.
It's like hamsters.
The money just climbs on top of
each other and makes more money.
Well, let me put it this way
If you were a millionaire,
you'd do it for me, right?
Well, I don't know.
After I built the arcade
and a Buffalo Wild Wings
in my basement, I might poke my head up
once a year to see if anyone needs help.
Come on, Dan.
When other people need help,
you're the first guy to offer.
Six grand, and I'll pay you back.
You saved my ass, bro.
Happy to do it.
Hey, everybody!
A toast to all my pals
who are here this evening.
And especially my friend Dan.
I haven't seen this guy for 50 years,
and the first thing he does
is hit me up for six large.
Can you believe the stones
on this guy? Huh?
Well, cheers!
That was for Roseanne, jackass.
What the hell, Smitty?
You loaned me that money
just to humiliate me?
I thought you were okay with
the whole Roseanne thing.
I thought I was.
Till I got here and
everybody started laughing,
remembering how I took
Roseanne to homecoming
and you went home with her.
That was 50 years ago!
You humiliated me, man.
Payback's a bitch.
You know what's gonna be a bitch
is putting your nose back into place.
- Hey, Dan
- Ah.
Always the big, tough jock, right, Dan?
Folks, listen up.
Anybody got a beef with Conner here?
'Cause I got two grand for anybody
who'll take my place in a fight.
- Hey, Danny.
- Bobo?
What do you and your fat
wife think of my new hat?
I'll fight him for free.
I just offered you $2,000.
This is why poor people
never get anywhere.
Had my jaw wired shut for three months.
I don't need your money.
I'm not gonna fight you.
This is between me and Smitty.
Well, then you're gonna stand there
while I punch you like
you sucker-punched me.
Uh, Dan, you you
cannot do any fighting.
Oh, I never walked away from one yet.
Just hold this.
With all the
anti-coagulants I got in me,
I don't want to bleed all over it.
Whoa, Dan. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're all here to honor Mrs. Willens.
This isn't how you do it.
First off, I remember your rap sheet
from when I was a cop,
and you don't need this.
No, ma'am, I don't.
Louise, take Dan home
before something happens
that everybody's gonna regret.
Come on, Dan. It's not worth it.
You know what? Yeah,
I took Roseanne home!
And we had 45 good years together!
Then I married this woman.
We're gonna have 45 more!
God forbid.
- Hey, can we talk for a second?
- Sure.
Uh, I know when we talked
about me moving in with you,
we decided on a couple years.
I was wondering what your
definition is of "a couple years."
Not one, not three.
You're in college. You got this, right?
Look, I might have to live
with you and Ben longer.
I want to be an addiction counselor,
which requires a master's,
so I'm gonna have to live
with you for four years.
It's just a couple, but two of them.
Wow. Four years.
I mean, I was fine with two,
but waiting to be alone with
Ben that long is asking a lot.
I know. But you were the
one who encouraged me
to go back to school and
and make the most of my life.
Yeah, and I'm happy that you
found a direction in life,
but I have to start mine, too.
I mean, what if you need
two more years after that?
And then two more years?
And then I'm stuck with
you for God knows how long?
Right? I mean, that's
what we did to Mom and Dad,
so I do know how it works.
Do you think I like having
to ask you to stay longer?
I hate that I got so far off track,
but now I finally know what
I want to do with my life,
and it's the only way I can do that.
Well, I get it,
but it's gotta be fair
for me and Ben, too, right?
I'm sorry. Forget I asked.
Look, look, I I know you
don't want to talk about this,
but I feel terrible.
I never should've told that
guy our financial stuff.
It's not your fault.
Man, I should've just
ripped that check up
and threw it in his face.
I don't know.
I would've lit it on fire
and shoved it down his throat.
Now we're just quibbling
about differences in approach.
It's not on you, Dan.
- The guy set you up.
- No.
I set myself up by needing the money.
Maybe i if I'd have worked harder
or done something
different with my life.
Oh. Oh, come on, honey, no.
- Everybody feels like that.
- Not Smitty.
No, we both came from the
same circumstance, and he won.
He got everything he wanted
out of life, and I didn't.
Yeah, we've already
dodged two fights tonight,
so I'm not gonna take that personally.
Look, I love my family,
but I do not want them all at the house.
I just want to be with you.
I don't mind if they visit,
but I look forward to
standing in the doorway
and waving and saying,
"Take care. Drive safely,"
and then triple-locking that door.
And Becky comments every
time I take a drink.
Can you imagine when she's studying
to be an addiction counselor?
- Oh, yeah.
- It's gonna be impossible.
She'll be all like, uh,
"Ben, that beer will not heal
the wounded child inside of you."
No, but it'll knock
that little sucker out
long enough for me to get hammered.
Hey, how about this?
We save part of Becky's
rent don't tell her
and then, in two years,
we give it back to her
so she can move out when she planned?
We can't do that. I don't have a job.
We need that money.
Oh, you're gonna get a job.
But in two years,
will you really be able
to just toss her out into the street?
No, that's why you're gonna do it.
And I'm gonna say,
"Ben, what are you doing?
That's my sister, and I love her."
Or We give it to her to save.
No. She'll just blow
it buying Beverly Rose
a diamond tiara to go
with her brand-new Uggs.
Alright. Maybe we can keep it a secret,
but we should say something
so she's not worried
about it the whole time.
Hey, Becky, come down here for a sec!
Okay. We'll keep the money a secret?
Yeah, now that I think
about it, I love the idea.
We hand her the cash,
we look super generous,
she's indebted to us forever
for absolutely no reason.
Listen, I am really
sorry about last night.
It's okay. You were right.
It's my problem, and I
have two years to figure out
where I'll be living.
I think things are gonna be okay.
I hope so.
All I'm saying is, one way or another,
I know you will be fine.
Look, I let you off the hook.
You don't need to make
yourself feel better by saying
I'm absolutely gonna be fine.
No, I never said you were
absolutely gonna be fine.
I said I have a very, very good feeling.
You don't know!
I could end up in a refrigerator box
behind a dumpster, fighting
rats for French fries!
No, I do know! I
Ben and I decided to
save some of the rent
and give it back to
you so you can move out
after two years.
- Really?
- Surprise.
I think it's great that
you're gonna help people.
Oh, thank you!
And once I get a job, I
will pay back every penny!
Mm.
- Here.
- Oh, thanks.
Someone's on their second
beer of the afternoon.
Thank you all for coming.
Some of you may remember an assignment
that my wife gave you
where she asked you
to write a letter to your future selves.
These were meant for your 60th reunion,
but the Lord rang the bell
and ended her school day,
so please read them now.
Wow. It's addressed
to "Mrs. Donny Osmond."
"I know the Mormons have accepted you,
and right now, you're
probably recovering
from your whirlwind tour
of Asia with the guys.
All the people in school
who never noticed you
are gonna regret it.
Please remember the teenager
who promised herself that,
no matter how rich she became
she'd never help her mother."
That's touching.
"Dear future self, you had a rough year,
but things are turning around.
You're now president of
the Junior Achievers Club,
and once you get a girlfriend,
everything will be perfect.
But don't go after Louise Goldufsky.
I think she's gonna end up
in the roller derby anyway
and be out of your league."
What? You looked like
a roller-derby queen.
Yeah, I kinda do.
Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're
all freaked out about the future,
but you're gonna play D-line
in the NFL, so don't sweat it.
It's easy for a Hall
of Famer to get a job.
Just be good at what you do,
find a woman who loves you,
and raise a family where you're
always there for your kids.
Not like our dad.
Be a stand-up guy, and that's
all you need to be successful.
Oh, yeah, and get a cool motorcycle."
I did it. I did that.
I even got the bike in the garage.
And you never know when
the NFL is gonna call.
Hey, Smitty, I just realized
You didn't win. I did.
I am a success in
everything that matters.
And I don't need your money.
I'll figure it out.
I always have.
Took a lot of guts to do that.
Yeah, well, that's who I am.
Also, I cashed his check this morning.
That was a $2 rebate
from the cable company.
You look really familiar.
Excuse me?
I know you, right?
Oh. I'm the King of Chlorine.
You probably saw one of
my late-night commercials.
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Those commercials kind of suck,
and you're too old to be
wearing a Speedo, dude.
What the hell do you want, Smitty?
Dan, I know I told you
I wouldn't notice if I gave you $6,000,
but I did notice when the
bank cleared the check.
Look, look, look.
We could either stand here
and fight about what you did
or what I did, or you can come in here,
say hello to the
family you could've had.
I I I'm not here for
the money, Dan.
I'm here to apologize.
This may surprise you,
but my rash behavior has
cost me a lot of friends.
It's the Speedo, dude.
People are embarrassed
to be seen with you.
Oh, come on. Deep down, he's a good guy.
Just nobody wants to dig that far.
Now that I don't have to pay you back,
you will always have a friend here.
I I'm sorry, I can't forgive you
for what you did to my dad.
However, if your hospital has
an opening in mid-management,
I can switch allegiances in a heartbeat.
She really can.