The Conners (2018) s06e12 Episode Script

Flying, Applying and Rassling Gators

1
Morning, Dan.
Oh, haven't seen the whole
family at the bank in a while.
Yeah, but we keep in touch.
You send all those overdue
notices to the house,
and we take turns writing
"Not at this address"
on the envelopes.
So what's the occasion?
Well, something very
special is about to happen,
and they all wanted
to be here to witness it.
Do I have time to text my wife
and tell her I love her?
Yes, and you can also tell her
that Dan Conner paid off his house.
[cheering]
Wow, I'm very happy for you, my friend.
After all those years
of hard work and sacrifice,
it finally paid off.
No, my business burned down.
And for the record,
we were never friends.
I only ever came here to beg for mercy
so you wouldn't foreclose on my home.
I've had friendships built on less.
But I'm really happy for you, Dan.
I mean, this is a reason to celebrate.
Oh, damn right we're gonna celebrate.
Right after this,
we're going to Olive Garden
reservation, not walk-in.
So the Conners finally win.
It's killing you to see
the beasts of burden
throw off their yokes, isn't it?
You don't have the Conners
to plow your fields of misery anymore.
- Did I get that right?
- Yeah.
No, I when we see
good people like you
finally pay off your mortgage,
that really makes our day around here.
I'm excited to go process this.
Oh, stop it. You hate us. We hate you.
You're not gonna steal
this moment from us!
Mark, you can see over the wall.
Tell everybody
we beat those bank weasels
at their own game.
Okay, um
we, uh, paid off
our mortgage, everybody.
We crushed you or something.
- That's amazing.
- Fantastic.
- That's amazing.
- Congratulations.
- Whoo!
- Aw, they're so nice.
No, they're not.
They're a bunch of bloodsucking leeches
who aren't happy until they've
taken everything you've got.
Today is my birthday,
and the other employees got me a cake.
But I know how long you struggled,
and I wanted you to have it.
"Happy birthday, Judy.
One year cancer-free."
Happy for you, Judy.
Hey, great news, Dan. [chuckles]
You gave us a little bit more
than you needed to.
You have $1,862.15 left over.
What kind of sick game are you playing?
You guys are hell-bent
on leaving here mad at me.
Sure, I'll I'll go your way.
Oh, no, you've snatched your house back
from my evil clutches.
Now I can only find joy by
foreclosing on the orphanage.
Thank you. Now was that so hard?
I'm gonna go get you cash,
and I'm gonna find someone I don't like
to bring it back to you.
All right, well, let's take something
to commemorate this moment, huh?
I could use a calendar.
All right, but this one is personalized
with pictures of his family.
I still have to know what day it is.
[bluesy rock music]
6x12 - Flying, Applying
and Rassling Gators

"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, hey, I didn't know
you got a college sweatshirt.
Yep, Stephen A. Douglas
finally sent them out last week,
so now I can represent good ol' Sad U.
Finally, you're finished.
Why can't you just use
the laundry machines in your dorm?
Well, they're in the basement,
and an angry woman has
set up camp around the dryers.
We're not sure if she's homeless
or someone who graduated
with an art history degree.
Hey, by the way,
if you want me to do your laundry,
you don't have to sneak it in.
You can just ask me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Anything you find in there
must be Beverly Rose's.
She must have slipped it in
when I wasn't looking.
Huh, I didn't realize
Beverly Rose was a 34B.
It's the hormones
in the free school breakfast.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You have a minute?
Well, I just walked in the door,
and I was worried about
having some time to myself,
so please, unburden yourself.
Well, I have some unexpected news.
Well, don't tell me you're pregnant,
'cause at your age, that'd be
the start of a religion.
You know how Mark gave me
his old laptop?
Well, a couple months ago,
I found an old application
he had filled out
for the University of Chicago
that he never submitted.
And I submitted it.
Wait, why would you do that?
You know we can't afford it.
But do you remember how excited he was
when he first decided
to learn AI and machine learning?
Yeah, of course I do.
Right, but then he found out
the big AI companies don't hire
out of schools like his.
He can still learn that stuff.
He's in the robotics club at SAD.
He is the robotics club at SAD.
You had no right to do this.
Just because he was a little
down a couple months ago
doesn't mean that he's miserable now.
Look, just don't tell him
about the application.
I mean, if he gets rejected,
that'll make him feel even worse.
Good call.
But what do I do about
the acceptance email
they sent me this morning?
What? He got in?
- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.
Oh, my God.
He got into the University of Chicago?
Yes!
I knew the smart Conner baby
would come from my uterus.
Oh, my God, please tell me
there's some financial aid with this.
A little.
Okay, I know I'm gonna hate
the answer to this,
but how much is three years
after the help?
Around $150,000.
Sure, but how much
if we go with used books?
Okay, then we're back
to not telling him.
Or it could motivate him.
Maybe finding out that
he got into one of the top 12 schools
will remind him that
he's someone incredible
and is meant for bigger things.
But what if it doesn't?
And now I'm realizing
you've given me no choice.
I literally have to tell him,
because if he finds out later
that he got in
and I didn't tell him,
he's gonna hate me.
It's the right thing to do.
You don't want him to believe
that he's mediocre
and settle for less in life.
Okay, sure, I'll pivot now
and tell him not to settle.
That's 18 years of parenting
out the window.

Hey, Dad, was this cheese returned?
The singles aren't wrapped
in that shiny plastic anymore.
That's 'cause this is the real deal.
I took a number,
stepped up to the deli counter
with all the swells,
and watched 'em slice it
directly off the block.
Wow, somebody's starting to burn through
their extra mortgage money.
Only a little.
I don't know what I'm gonna do
with the rest of it yet.
I mean, we have all
the creature comforts.
Hey, hey, it's found money.
Use it for something
on your bucket list,
something that you've always
wanted to do but couldn't.
And based on the cheese,
it could be as simple as sourdough.
I just saw a thing on TV about that
New Orleans Jazz Festival
that's this weekend.
I always wanted to see that.
You don't have a job.
I got nothing but free time.
When do we leave?
Did I do something with my face
that looked like an invite?
No, come on. Neville and Louise,
they're visiting their mom.
I've always wanted
to see New Orleans, right?
Ride an airboat, 'rassle a gator
[laughs]
Drink some Hurricanes,
'rassle a bigger gator.
We'd have to jump
on a plane basically tonight.
It's a fun town
a little tricky to land in.
There's usually a naked drunk guy
on the runway yelling,
"Who that big bird?"
Come on, you never
do anything for yourself.
Just live a little.
I don't know.
Jet-setting across the globe
seems a little chichi, don't it?
You got the unwrapped cheese.
There's no going back now.
Uh, Mark, can I talk to you?
Yeah, sure. What's up?
So, um, I know
this is going to be
kind of a shock to you,
but you were accepted
into the University of Chicago.
Did you submit me for cadaver studies?
I told you, I'm not sure
what I wanna donate and what I don't.
No, uh,
you were accepted as a transfer student,
and we can't afford the tuition,
but isn't that great?
You know, I mean, you should be
really proud of yourself.
Well, that's impossible.
I never applied.
Did I also enlist in the marine corps?
Becky found the application
on your old laptop,
and of course she submitted it,
because, you know, this family
never developed boundaries.
Th thanks for telling me.
Uh, hey.
Look, I know you're
disappointed that you can't go,
and that's okay.
Right. I knew we couldn't afford it.
That's why I didn't apply.
Okay, but this is proof
of how smart and talented
you are, right?
I guess that'll be our secret.
As long as I go to SAD U,
nobody has to know.
Come on, you can do
anything with your life,
expensive school or not.
And one day this will be a great story
you'll tell your kids.
Daddy couldn't afford to go
to the University of Chicago,
but now he's a famous
Cadaver at the University of Chicago.

[sighs]
I'm starting to feel like
this is a bad idea.
I told you not to slam
that OREO blast milkshake
before you got on the plane.
It's not about that.
I just get the feeling we're gonna crash
somewhere in the mountains,
and I'm gonna have to eat
the guy in 43E.
What are you talking about?
You know how it goes.
I just paid off the house.
Every time the Conners get a win,
it's just a matter of time
before something horrible happens to us.
Well, you might have
mentioned that to me
before I got on the plane with ya.
No, come on. You're being ridiculous.
That's just a bunch
of superstitious nonsense.
Backed up by decades of experience.
You just need to relax
and think of all the fun
we're gonna have in New Orleans.
I am thinking about that.
Those guys with umbrellas
dancin' and playin' the trumpets
Mm.
While they carry our coffins
through the streets.
- [grunts softly]
- Ooh.
I'm sorry, does this bin
look like your coat closet?
Because some people
wanna use it correctly.
There.
Next time, don't hog up the space.
Here here it is, right on schedule.
Nobody else is gettin' up
to help this poor woman
because God put him right here
to ruin my life.
No, Dan, don't don't don't get up.
Dan, your life was ruined
way a long time ago.
Excuse me, friend.
How's about picking up
the lady's coat and purse
and puttin' it back where you found it?
How's about you mind your own business?
No, please just do it
and sit down, please,
'cause he was already talking
about eating another passenger.
Just stay out of it
unless you want trouble.
I like trouble.
Pick up the purse.
Pick up the purse now!
Okay, count to ten.
- [clears throat]
- Why?
That's how long it's gonna take 'em
to throw me off the plane.
[sighs]
Hi, uh, do you mind
if I keep the magazine?
Uh, I'm interested in that thing
that turns my bathtub into a whirlpool.
[laughs]
Actually, sir, please stay seated.
Uh, any time that there's
a passenger altercation,
I need to go inform the pilot.
Oh, God, I'm goin' to airport jail.
I'm gonna party down
before they toss us.
Hey, oh, pardon me,
could we get four bourbon sodas
while we wait?
To go?
Hey, I found another one.
Why is Beverly Rose wearing a T-shirt
that says, "U.S. out of my uterus"?
Oh, no, that's mine,
and can you hand-wash that?
I got a feeling it's gotta last
for the next four years.
[knocking]
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
Wh what's going on? Are you okay?
I'm thriving.
- What did he do?
- Well, he got drunk
and rented one of those
Bird scooter thingies
and grabbed somebody's chalupa
in a Taco Bell drive-through.
Oh, for God's sakes, Mark
Not done.
He then drove onto a mini golf course,
tried to Evel Knievel the moat
in front of Humpty Dumpty's castle,
and wound up in the pond,
where we picked him up.
Okay. Is he under arrest?
Nah, he didn't really cause any damage,
and we had to fold him up
like an origami swan
just to get him in the back of the car.
Thank you so much.
Got my Christmas card.
Hey.
What the hell were you thinking?
I was thinking I could clear that moat.
Hey, hey.
I did a lot of dumb stuff
when I was drinking too.
And you are incredibly lucky
every time something horrible
doesn't happen
I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear anything
from anybody in this family.
- Mark.
- No.
I know the world isn't fair.
I knew I was a smart kid
in a below-average school
who'd wind up below average.
Now I got into a really great
school, and guess what.
I can't go,
'cause I'm one of you people.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
I said, "You people,"
and not just 'cause
I forgot all your names
'cause I'm drunk.
All right, Mark, that's enough.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of being a Conner.
Everything about this dumb family sucks.
You never should have sent in
that application.
You never should have told me I got in.
And you never should have
put the Bird scooter app on my phone.
This started out funny,
and now it's kinda sad.
Hey, why don't you go in the kitchen?
I'll get you sobered up.
Sounds nice. I'm tired now.
[sighs]
Look at what you've done.
He was a little disappointed
because he was at SAD U,
and now he's spiraling.
You know, I had the whole
college thing figured out,
and you undid it all.
Oh, did you?
Or is part of the reason you're so mad
you took a job that you hate,
and it didn't really solve anything?
Yes, of course that bothers me.
How did you help, huh?
Now that Mark knows
what could have been,
he's completely disappointed
with what is.
Just you wait.
I'm gonna give Beverly Rose
hope when you least expect it!

Our flight attendant
told me what happened,
and you're not in any kind of trouble.
Really?
We have an unruly passenger
on almost every flight,
and it's so rare that someone steps in
and De-escalates it
without getting physical.
Most people just film the whole thing.
Could you say that again?
I had it on panorama, not video.
When you folks land in New Orleans,
we'd love to give you some vouchers
for your next flight, free of charge.
- Oh.
- Well, thank you.
No, thank you. And enjoy your drinks.
Save a little bourbon for me.
I like to reward myself
after a smooth takeoff.
Your jokes scare me.
[laughs]
Yeah, see? Now, you were all worried
about God punishing you,
and then something even better happened.
[laughs]
What are you saying now, God is fair?
I'm just saying
that you're always waitin'
for the other shoe to drop,
and then you never enjoy all
the good things that happen.
You know, you're just constantly
always looking everywhere for shoes.
There's a point in there somewhere.
I don't know. You work it out.
I'm gonna get stinko.
No, you're right.
I'm not enjoying my life
the way I should.
I thought the kids would bring me joy.
Made that mistake three times.
But look at me, look at me.
I'm on a plane.
I'm heading for New Orleans.
I just need to start
appreciating the good things
when they come along.
Hell, I just got free airline tickets.
Yeah, and free booze,
and for once in my life,
middle shelf.
Ooh.
Sir, your bag has to be
completely out of the aisle,
or we'll have to check it
before takeoff.
- Hey, hero.
- Yeah?
Maybe you should put my bag
under your feet
so I could sit here comfortably.
Ah.
You're not gonna be my hero too?
You're just gonna be
that big, dumb lump of stupid
that you look like?
Well, just so ya know,
I'm gonna be kicking
the back of your seat
all the way to New Orleans
like Phil Collins.
You're gonna be
in the air tonight, bitch.
Don't don't take the bait.
[grunts]
I'm gonna use the head.
You need anything?
Something for you and your service dog?
[breathes deeply]
Just so you know,
I'm fully aware that God isn't
making this bad thing happen.
Punching this guy
in the face is my decision.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got you.
Just give me a second
to get out of panorama mode.
Okay.
No. Oops! I just called 911.
[clears throat]
And action.

Oh.
There's the look of someone
who's lovin' college.
So you're not going to New Orleans, huh?
Jackie sent me all the videos,
plus one weird panorama of the plane.
Oh, we're still going.
We're just taking the bus,
where a six-pack of beer
is your carry-on.
And you're here because?
I didn't have a carry-on, and now I do.
Toodles.
Brought you some more Pedialyte.
How you feelin'?
[sighs]
I'm really sorry about
what I said last night.
Booze really sets people off.
We'd probably all get along a lot better
if we didn't have any alcohol
in the house.
Oh, no, we tried that once.
It made things worse.
Look, I know that
getting into that school
stirred up a lot of stuff.
It's killing me that I actually got into
the University of Chicago.
And I keep trying to think
of a way to get there,
but all I can come up with
is, um, not going back to SAD
and working to try to save up the money.
And I know that's not an option.
Why not?
You'd be okay with me
dropping out of school?
Yeah.
But you sacrificed
a great job for me to go there.
Yeah, but I did it because
I wanted you to be happy.
And you're not happy,
even after I made you a janitor.
So clearly, you're unsatisfiable.
Mom.
No, I'm telling you, I'm fine.
You do what you gotta do.
It may mean taking more than a year off.
Or you could solve
a math problem in the hallway
and get a full ride.
"Good Will Hunting"?
Matt Damon? He's a janitor.
It's not your fault.
I don't I don't know what this is.
It's not your fault.
Will, it's not your fault.
I'm leaving now.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Come on, man.
Get your nose out of the books,
and watch a movie once in a while.

So you guys had fun in the Big Easy?
- Yep.
- And while we were there,
we hit up a voodoo store.
We brought everybody back
culturally inappropriate souvenirs.
For Darlene, a voodoo doll.
Ah.
If you find a big hole
in one of your pajama tops next week,
it's not because I made
a pantsuit for this.
And for Becky and Tyler,
a bag of love herbs
to keep those fires burnin'.
And for you, a box of chicken bones,
blessed by a voodoo priestess,
to help divine your future.
Some of these still have meat on them.
We forgot your gift and hit
a Popeyes on our way back.
[child giggles]
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