The Cool Kids (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

Hank the Cradle Robber

[WINCING] [SIGHS] How's everybody doing? [LAUGHS] What is with that walk? Well, if you must know, I was salsa dancing till midnight.
You were salsa dancing? You get winded salsa eating.
Late night dancing, smiling, you've been happy for weeks now.
That's very unlike you.
Well, I guess I need to let you all in on something.
I'm dating a younger woman.
[CHUCKLES] She's gorgeous and full of life.
And get this, she's 45.
[LAUGHS] Jailbait, baby! Damn, you're robbing the cradle.
- [LAUGHING] - Uh, no, whoa, whoa.
My high fives tend to be unconvincing.
I'm better with a "hoo, mama.
" 45-year-old? Hoo, mama! See? I mean, there's obviously something wrong with this woman.
What, does she need a green card? A kidney? I'm just trying to figure what would drive a 45-year-old to this.
We have a lot in common.
See, we met at this jazz record store.
I went in there to find a very rare Miles Davis album, on which he calls his bass player a particularly outdated slur.
And we hit it off.
She's a old soul.
I feel like a teenager again.
Hoo, mama! And she's what? Terminally ill? No.
The only thing she's dying from is Hank fever.
And the only cure for that is more Hank, Hank, Hank.
Ask your doctor about Hank.
Side effects include delusion, overconfidence, and extreme hair loss.
I knew you were gonna do this.
You just jealous 'cause you not cradle robbing.
I'm not jealous.
I might be a-a little annoyed at the double standard.
I mean, you never see a younger man with an older woman.
Uh, I've actually been with a much older woman.
Well, not recently.
No, I was 18, she was 65.
She was born in 1899.
Anyway she's obviously out of your league.
I'm just trying to get to the real truth.
Well, Felicia and I have a real connection.
Oh! In fact, she wants to meet you guys.
So you can judge for yourself that it is real.
FYI, I'm gonna need you all to lie, tell her I don't live here.
Why? This place rocks.
We got unlimited Froyo.
Well, she's young.
She doesn't want to date somebody living in a retirement community.
So I told her my home is under renovation.
[SADLY]: Hoo, mama.
Eh, shouldn't she like you for you? I mean, we'll play All right, great, let's leave it there, then.
I got it, she's blind.
Margaret, I'm happy.
Just leave it alone.
Fine, I will drop it.
[GRUNTING] I am not dropping squat.
Something is off, right, guys? I mean, a younger woman who is suddenly into Hank? Oh, he's fine.
I'm just worried he's gonna humiliate himself trying to seem younger.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES] - Ooh! My wheelie sneakers just shipped! And then this big hunk of man just swept me off my feet.
Now how'd I sweep you off your feet when you already swept me off mine? Answer is my athletic youthfulness.
- [LAUGHS] - Ow.
Yeah, dancing does keep the body young.
- That's, uh, what I always say, right? - Always.
- Always.
That's what he says.
- I feel like you always say, "My lower back hurts.
" You know, it is great to finally meet all of Hank's friends.
Yep, yep, yep.
We're just his buds from down the street.
It's a normal street with separate houses and outdoor space between them.
He never brings his trash cans in.
It's ruining the neighborhood.
[LAUGHS] You guys crack me up, especially this one.
I just want to put you in a backpack - and take you everywhere.
- [LAUGHTER] Well, let's not forget that I'm a human being.
But that sounds like fun.
You're fun.
Isn't she fun? Almost like it's too good to be true.
It's almost exactly like it's too good to be true.
Hey, Hank, did you confirm our reservation at Morano's? - Yes, I did.
- Okay.
Wow, Morano's.
And Hank is taking you there? Mm-hmm.
Did they open up their dress code to Crocs and bowling shirts? No.
Did they? You know what? I am gonna hit up that jukebox.
You got any cash, Hanky poo? Baby, I got you, baby boo.
[LAUGHS] There you go, madam.
- Grab a fistful.
- Hey, hey.
Sid, I think I know what's going on.
The $20 for the jukebox, Morano's.
I think maybe "baby boo" is a gold digger.
I'm gonna go see what I can find out.
[CLEARS THROAT] I think I'm gonna go hit the jukebox, too.
See if they have any Mozart.
Hey, there.
Son of a Sorry, you scared me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, nothing to be scared of, unless I'm catching you doing something wrong.
Am I? [LAUGHS] So have you, uh, have you ever dated an older man before? - Older men are kind of my type.
- Interesting.
It's a pattern.
You kind of target them.
Yeah, that's not exactly what I'm saying.
Uh, older men know themselves.
They don't play games.
They're more mature.
Really? That guy? [LAUGHTER] Oh, my God, he is so funny and so nice.
Really? We're s we're still talking about Hank, right? Oh.
I see why you came over here.
You have feelings for him.
[LAUGHING]: What? Whoa.
Hank? No.
Ooh, never.
Ew, gross.
Yeah, but I thought that maybe Yuck.
[SHIVERS] Nasty.
I'm just gonna head back to the table now.
Hey, Hanky poo, why don't we hit Morano's early? It was nice meeting you guys.
Margaret, I hope you find happiness.
You know what, I've had a few drinks.
- Mm.
- So, let's Uber.
Ooh! Maybe we'll be bad and Uber XL.
- Do they have a Uber XXL? - [BOTH LAUGH] Nice girl.
I don't know why she just wants Margaret to find happiness, but, uh, nice girl.
Nice girl? Come on, Charlie.
She's taking Hank to the cleaners.
Margaret thinks that Felicia is gold digging Hank.
I know she is.
You think about what's going on here, guys.
He's flashing cash at the record store, the Uber XL.
He bought us a round.
Hank has no gold to dig.
Yeah, Sid's right, Margaret.
Most of Hank's wealth is in baseball cards.
Well, that proves my point.
Rich guys know to look out for a gold digger.
It's the pathetic schlubs like Hank that never see it coming.
She's gonna fleece him and move right on to the next guy.
I think she may be on to something.
I am.
Hank is our friend, and somebody's trying to take advantage of him, and we can't let that happen.
I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke Well, y'all know the song.
- [VOCALIZING] - All right, here he comes.
We're gonna tell him the truth about Felicia and we're gonna do it together, okay? - Yeah.
You got it.
- I got your back, girl.
[SCATTING] What happened to the limp, lover boy? Well, I stole some of Larry's muscle relaxers.
That fool is relaxed enough as it is.
So, uh what's up with y'all? We, uh, we all have something that we want to tell you.
- Yeah.
- But it's mostly Margaret's thing.
Yeah, you're gonna be pretty pissed, but Tell him, Margaret.
- It's about Felicia.
- Oh! Speak of the devil.
I'm on my way to meet her at the roller rink.
When's the last time you went roller skating? Well, not that long ago.
I guess about, uh 47 years.
But I'm gonna do it for her.
You know, for the first time, I'm not even thinking about my ex-wife.
Felicia is just fantastic, and she's funny, too.
She just makes me feel alive.
So, uh, y'all wanted to tell me something about her? - She's We're happy for you.
- She is great.
Great gal.
I got to lock this one down.
Well, I'm off to the rink.
- Okay.
- [QUIETLY]: Ow.
So what if we are wrong about Felicia? We could ruin a really good thing for Hank.
In the small chance that I am wrong the small, small, small chance we have to get some evidence before we confront him, and we better do it quick.
I mean, you heard him, he's gonna lock it down.
I just need five minutes with her phone.
It'll have bank records and clues from her past.
I know what I'm doing.
[CHUCKLES] I worked with the Watergate burglars.
They are famous for literally nothing besides getting caught.
They got caught.
Well, if it's Felicia's phone that we want, we know exactly where it will be, at the roller rink.
Sid, we are not going to a roller rink so you can go skating.
It is not that, Margaret.
I want to help Hank.
Do you think they'll have the hokey pokey? Ooh! I got to go get my wheel wax.
We got Mitch on the tunes tonight, so expect a lot of bangers.
Skittle machine's on the right.
Claw machine is the tightest in Tucson, so don't waste your time.
I mean, I've never been here before, but Usual skates, Mr.
Delacroix? Yes, clerk who somehow knows my name.
[QUIETLY]: Be cool, Terrance.
Sid, we're not gonna skate.
We're here on a mission, and we can't let Hank and Felicia see us.
[BOTH GIGGLING] BOTH: Ooh! The secret to black ops is speed.
We find her purse, get her phone, I leave a Monopoly token because that's my calling card, and then we exit unnoticed.
I just wish we had air support.
Why? I just wish we did.
All right, someone has to keep an eye out for Hank.
On it.
How did he get those skates on so fast? Well, if we had air support, we'd know.
There you go, okay, you got it.
- Here, I'll catch you.
- Oh, you're always trying to get your hands on me, aren't you, cutie? - Whoa! Ooh! - Oh! [PANTING]: I got I'm okay.
I feel like Kristi Yamaguchi up in here.
We don't have to do this, since, you know, you're not very good at it.
Well, I'm more of a speed skater, and that's really not what this rink is set up for.
But you go ahead on.
I'm-a catch up to you.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Okay, her purse is in there somewhere.
Yeah, I got this.
Follow my lead.
[CLEARS THROAT] There's a corpse in the bathroom.
MARGARET: Yeah, uh, a-a big old corpse.
The kids are playing on it.
Maybe a heads-up if you're gonna take it to "bathroom corpse" right off the bat? Heads-up for life.
I always take it to "bathroom corpse" right off the bat.
Let's just find this purse.
I need a size seven.
[QUIETLY]: Seven.
- Aren't you gonna spray them? - Uh Uh, sorry, sweetie, it's my first day.
I can tell 'cause you suck at your job.
Oh, really? Ugh! Move.
Who do you think you're talking to, little missy? We're about to do the limbo here.
Well, do it someplace else.
I'm putting in work.
You're old.
I have lived a life.
You are gonna marry your first boyfriend and die within six miles of this rink, sweet pea.
Ugh, this has got to be the smelliest black op ever.
- Charlie, wait.
- What? What? This could be our girl's.
Look, "I Heart Jazz" keychain.
Oh, yeah, it's definitely her.
[CHUCKLES] Her picture's on the phone here.
I'm gonna try to hack in.
I'm out of ideas.
Well, we're gonna have to dig deeper.
Sid's still on lookout, right? [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Okay, Gramps, you're pretty good.
Well, I ought to be.
I lived most of my life on the down-low.
[LAUGHS] You'll get it when you get older.
And this one definitely will.
All right, here we go.
I'm gonna try my birthday.
Why would she use your birthday as her code? - Exactly.
- [SCOFFS] Charlie, look.
Holy guacamole.
[EXHALES] It's worse than we thought.
What the hell are you two doing here? Is that Felicia's purse? Wha damn it.
Great looking out, Sid.
Da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da Oh, Hank, I hate to have to tell you this, but Felicia's been lying to you.
Damn it, woman, I told you, stay out of this.
Let me be happy.
We found this sonogram in her purse.
She's pregnant, Hank.
She's trying to trap you with the baby and take all your money.
Oh, my God.
Hey, lady, I said seven.
These are nines.
Get it together, Margaret.
I can't believe Felicia's pregnant.
I just had to date a 45-year-old.
Well, Hank, if you're gonna fly that close to the sun, you got to wear sunscreen.
CHARLIE: Well, you should have come with me the day I got snipped.
[CHUCKLES] They were doing two-for-one.
SID: Apologies.
I got pulled into some rink drama.
Avery's a good egg, but she's lashing out because surprise, surprise there's trouble at home.
Sid, Felicia's pregnant.
She's baby-trapping Hank.
Oh, Hank.
I am so sorry.
Can a 45-year-old even have a baby? I don't know a ton about pregnancy.
Yes, it is absolutely possible.
And I assume the baby comes out older, too? - No? - This can't be happening.
I can't have my golden years filled with crying and fussing.
Well, think about it, Hank.
When the kid is old enough to go off to college, you'll only be 86.
That is so old.
I knew deep down she was out of my league.
I mean, why else would I be fronting to her? I'm a fool.
A sad, fertile fool.
Just out here, putting babies all up in people.
Go ahead, Margaret, say it.
You were right.
I'm sorry, Hank.
This really sucks.
Hank, we want you to know we're here for you.
Well, I just need to hear Felicia own up to this.
I'm-a march right across this room and give her a piece of my mind.
Well, forget that.
Hey, Felicia! Hey.
W-What are you guys doing here? [STAMMERS] Me You Problem diapers? H-Hank, take a deep breath.
You know you babble when you get too mad.
[PANTING]: You took a skate scamming.
What how often? Never? Hank, are you okay? Wait, what is she doing with my purse? What the hell? I know you're pregnant.
You never cared about my heart.
All you cared about was my bank account.
Are you insane? Oh, so that's the plan.
You're gonna have me declared insane.
And guess who gets all my baseball cards? Suddenly, who's sitting on a pile of mint condition Ken Griffey Jr.
's, I'm on Shutter Island.
I don't know, Felicia.
You tell me.
Am I insane? Yes! This is my dog's sonogram, Hank.
Yeah, nice try.
Dog sonogram.
What's next? What, seagulls getting their blood pressure? [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] I have, uh, just been informed that dogs do get sonograms.
I had to take my dog to the vet because he ate a pair of cuff links.
Cuff links that I bought for you.
Just to be clear, I did say there was a small, small, small chance I could be wrong.
- Good, you're still here.
- Of course I am.
I can't get out of these stupid skates.
And do you know why there's a Monopoly token in my purse? So, we cool? No, Hank, we are not cool.
How could you think I was scamming you? Well, look at me, and look at you.
You're smart, you're sexy.
You could have any guy you want.
Hey, for the record, I genuinely like older men.
Single guys my age are obsessed with their careers and sports cars.
Well, the good news is I don't have a job and I drive a golf cart.
Look, I'm sorry my friends got me all riled up and I jumped to conclusions.
The truth is, I can't dance, I can't roller skate and I live in a retirement community.
And I really like you.
And I really like you, too.
I don't care about where you live.
Listen, I'm sorry I screwed things up.
Do you think you could forgive me and we could give this a fresh start? Sure.
But this time, - let's be honest with each other.
- Mm.
- And I'm still taking your old ass dancing.
- [LAUGHS] Well, just long as you ice me down the next day.
[BOTH LAUGH] Oh, and your friends are crazy.
Yeah, we're never hanging out with them again.
Here's to single Hank.
- Ha, ha! - To single Hank.
[LAUGHS] I kind of thought you guys were gonna work it out.
I can't believe you broke up with her.
I don't need Felicia to make me feel young.
That's what I got you freaks for.
Bye, Felicia.
- No new friends.
- [LAUGHS] Kristin said trampolines are stupid.
Girl, Kristin wishes she had a trampoline.
That skank can just shut her mouth.
Hoo, mama.