The Cool Kids (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

Margaret Dates the Zodiac Killer

1 [CLEARING THROAT] [WHOOPING] You look great, honey.
Margaret, why are you so dressed up? You look like you're going to Catwoman's funeral.
[CHUCKLES] I don't know what you guys are talking about.
I mean, all I did was put on a little extra No, no, no, no, no.
More than a little.
You look dazzling.
Oh, well, you guys are really sweet, but I I mean, damn, have you been sick the whole time that we've known you, and you just got over it this morning? All right! The takeaway is I look great.
That's because I have a third date with a guy that I like a lot, and I think tonight might be the night.
[CHUCKLES] The sex night.
- Oh - Ooh Who's this soon-to-be-lucky mystery man? Karl, from the third floor.
Oh, yeah, Karl? Good man.
We talk football.
He knows his 49ers.
Very clever, too.
Always doing puzzles.
Word jumbles, crosswords, sudoku Well, y'all know what puzzles are.
And talk about a backstory.
The guy was the Zodiac Killer.
What? Wait, what the hell are you guys talking about? See [CLEARS THROAT] the Zodiac was a serial killer who terrorized San Francisco in the '70s.
To this day, never been caught.
I know who the Zodiac Killer is.
Why are you saying that it's Karl? 'Cause Karl is the Zodiac Killer.
- Sometimes you don't listen.
- Ah Okay, I get what this is.
You're trying to look out for me by trashing the guy that I'm dating it's very cute.
My older brother used to do the same thing.
Honey, we're not trashing him.
He was a serial murderer, and we still like him.
He hasn't killed anyone since the '70s.
No harm, no foul, right? Date away.
The Zodiac Killer does not live at Shady Meadows, okay? Karl is very sweet, and tonight we're gonna go out and we're gonna do stuff.
Sex stuff! Ooh! I'll bet Margaret and the Zodiac Killer will make a really sweet couple.
Fellas, I just got back from the west wing bathroom, and there is no easy way to say this.
Someone didn't flush.
We're just talking about pee, right? Hank, look in my eyes.
You think I'm just talking pee? Was it stall one, the sacred stall? Where else would I go? It's the best stall in all of Shady Meadows.
The seat is always the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold.
It's like sitting on Goldilocks.
I'm only asking because - it happened to me as well.
- What? Wait a minute.
You're saying this is a trend? Well, why didn't you bring this up before? Because it seemed like a weird thing to talk about.
To be honest, it still does.
Allison? We got something very important to talk to you about.
Uh, can it wait? I would rather not talk to you guys.
Well, likewise, honey, but this is urgent.
Someone left a doodie in the west wing.
Okay, that is a problem.
I'll send someone to clean it up.
Where? The toilet.
Look at that.
Problem solved.
What has happened to decency and decorum in this great nation? - It's like nobody cares.
- Yeah.
Going to the grocery store in your pajamas.
- Put some damn clothes on! - Yes.
Getting four and five samples over at the Froyo place, knowing good and well you know what strawberries taste like! And now you're gonna walk away from the greatest responsibility you have as a citizen: flushing the toilet?! I let the pajamas go.
- Yeah.
- I let the Froyo go.
But I will not, by God, let this go.
- [GRUNTS] - [CHUCKLES] Amen, brother.
We have got to find this monster before he strikes again.
Gentlemen, this may be the most important thing we ever do! Yeah.
[MARGARET CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I am having such a great time, Karl.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, you smell amazing.
- Really? What can I say? - Mm.
- Today's laundry day.
- Mm.
You don't want to dance with me on Thursday.
Thanks for the tip.
I won't.
That's a joke.
I always wear clean clothes.
Mmm.
I know, Karl.
I'd be honored to dance with you any day of the week.
Oh, well, back at you.
Who knew you were such a great dancer? Well, that's the best thing about dating someone new, isn't it? Discovering things about them.
Like how you told me you have Lee Majors' face tattooed on your thigh.
No regrets.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Oh, I don't want this night to end.
Well, it doesn't have to.
We can go back to my place and keep dancing.
Karl [CLEARS THROAT] how would you like to meet Lee Majors tonight? Gonna need a check over here.
That damn waiter's still ignoring us.
I know.
He's been terrible.
I could go psycho on that guy.
[IMITATES MUSIC FROM PSYCHO] Or like this [CHUCKLES] [LAUGHING] [CHUCKLES] Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
So, how about we go back to your place for that dance? Now, if we're gonna find this person, we need to start with a list of suspects.
That way we can, um flush out the non-flusher.
You see what I did there? Ah, I saw it and I loved it.
Oh, yep, the suspect list was always, uh, "step one" back when I was on the force.
- You were a cop? - Security guard at Woolworth's.
They let me go when I stole a bunch of stuff from Woolworth's.
Well, thanks for ruining my date, guys.
I was having a great night with Karl, and then all I could think about was the Zodiac Killer.
Well, that makes sense, 'cause you were on a date with the Zodiac Killer, so Y'all.
Y'all! Y'all.
Our stall got hit again, didn't it? It got hit hard.
I weep for America.
This is not why George Washington chopped down that cherry tree.
What the hell are you guys talking about? Someone has not been flushing in the west wing stall.
Lord, I need to hang out with more women.
Can somebody just please explain to me this whole Zodiac theory? All right, your boyfriend Karl lived in the Bay area during the '60s and '70s, where the Zodiac worked.
Karl is obsessed with lakes, where a bunch of the Zodiac's crimes occurred.
Karl also loves puzzles.
Just like the Zodiac.
Puzzles! Lakes! 1970s! Karl! We don't have time for this! So your stupid situation is more important than the fact that you think I might be dating a serial killer? Ex-serial killer.
He retired.
Just like we all did.
- This is a retirement community.
- Yeah.
I used to be a meter reader.
I don't think you're worried about me trying to read meters again, are you? So this is all the evidence you have, huh? Karl is not the Zodiac Killer.
He's a great guy.
He is harmless.
And I am done entertaining this ridiculous theory.
[SINGSONGY]: Annoying.
Great job, Karl.
See you later.
Hey, girlfriends! [LAUGHS] What? Us? Yeah.
I just want to ask my gals a couple of questions about one of the guys that's in your art class, Karl.
Like, does he have a personal file I could maybe make a quick copy of? Well, Margaret, that's confidential.
It would be unethical.
I would lose my job He was born in Oakland, spent some time in the Navy.
And such an expressive artist.
I actually have one of his paintings right here.
Punam, I really don't think we should be sharing anything th Oh, my God! That's a little intense.
A little intense? There's a dead body in it.
All right, well, a painting doesn't prove anything.
I'm just gonna turn that over.
I'm gonna level with you girls.
Karl and I are dating.
- Aw - Oh And, uh, I get all of my love advice from three male idiots who are currently obsessed with a toilet.
- So I need some help.
- Okay, you're looking for a little Sex and the City action.
Lucky for you I'm a Carrie with a Miranda rising.
I'm an Aiden.
So okay, here's what I do.
Since my divorce, I sabotage every relationship before it even gets off the ground.
And I I don't want to do that with Karl.
But I-I can't get a read on him.
Well, I have this test I use to separate the good guys from the bad.
I "spill" a glass of wine on them.
If he flips out, I break up with him.
But if he's cool about it, I let him stick around until he breaks up with me.
Would you mind repeating all of that? I'm sorry, I got distracted by how awful your life sounds.
All right, we got to start narrowing down our suspect list.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? Dudley seems to have sprouted a tail.
A TP tail.
I'm going in.
I'll be the good cop, like I was at Sears after I got fired at Woolworth's.
So once Charlie softens him up, then I'll go in as the, uh, bad cop.
Then I'll swoop in as the exasperated police chief who's sick of your antics, but if he's honest with himself, it's because you remind him of himself when he was a young detective.
There's more, isn't there? Yeah, yeah.
His name is Dutch, and his wife is banging a contractor.
Charlie, your fingertips are magic wands.
You're casting a spell on me.
All right, Dudley, your little spa day is over.
That's right, bad cop is here.
You don't seem so bad to me, friend.
I'm minutes away from retirement, and you two knuckleheads are playing games? My name is Dutch.
We know what you've been doing in the west wing bathroom.
All right, all right, I confess.
I drink from the bathroom sink.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
The-the That's it? I mean, that's a little weird, but that's it? Man, get out of here, Dudley.
You got it.
Good hang, you guys.
Oh, my God, it has been so long since somebody cooked for me.
[CHUCKLES] When I was married, either I handled it myself or it didn't happen.
Same went for our sex life.
[LAUGHS] Well, I love to cook.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, no, no, no, no.
Allow me.
Nothing like a perfectly sharpened blade slicing through flesh.
[CHUCKLES] Mmm.
Mmm.
That is so good.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] You know, you don't have to cut every single piece for me.
Oh, would you like to cut our steaks? I think we could each cut our own.
You have the best ideas.
You're like a breath of fresh air.
[CHUCKLES] You know, it's funny.
When you first start dating, everybody's trying - to be the best version of themselves.
- Mm-hmm.
I think it's time we pull the curtain back and dig a little deeper.
Mm-hmm.
Open up the old chest cavity and rummage around in the guts, huh? [LAUGHS] Sure.
So, uh, let's put the cards on the table.
I will go first.
In the past, I have sabotaged relationships just as they were getting good, over stupid stuff The past is the past, babe.
My past is tricky, too, okay? I've hurt people.
Badly.
I think that's where my night terrors come from.
[CHUCKLES] W-Well, let's talk about that uh, hurting people.
Are we talking calling them names, or [CHUCKLES] I don't know, k-killing large numbers of them? [CHUCKLING] Let's not play games, Margaret.
I like you, you like me.
I haven't felt this way about somebody in a long, long time.
I feel the same way, too, Karl.
Perfecto.
Here's a thought.
What about we go on a nice romantic getaway this weekend? Oh, I love it.
Perfecto, indeed.
[CHUCKLES] I got a beautiful little house in the country.
You just keep getting better and better, don't you? Mm-hmm.
It's on the lake.
It is so secluded, you could scream your lungs out, nobody would even hear you.
Is that so? I've tested it.
Not even the echo of a scream.
Oopsie.
[CHUCKLES] Had a little spill there.
You're gonna love the lake house.
Be sure and pack a bathing suit.
I thought I'd find you in here.
Where's the rest of the Mod Squad? On stakeout, undercover.
You'll never find them.
MARGARET: Well, they're right here.
Those are Sid's feet, and Hank is crowning over the top of the stall.
SID: [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: What? There's nobody by those names in here.
HANK: Sid, we're in the men's bathroom why you talking like a woman? SID: [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Who's Sid, Hank? [CLICKS TONGUE] Scram, Margaret.
We're trying to catch a perp in the act.
This is the time of day when he strikes.
Oh.
Well, good.
At least you haven't taken this thing too far.
Now, Karl has invited me to go away with him for the weekend, and I'm kind of worried.
If I can prove that he's not the Zodiac, then I can go up to the lake house and get Maggy with it.
Get Maggy with it? Well, look, my son gave me one of those DNA ancestry kits last year for Christmas.
Turns out we're black.
Anyway [CLEARS THROAT] if you can get some of Karl's saliva, we could send it in, see if it matches the Zodiac's DNA.
Well, thanks, Hank.
That's actually a really smart idea.
Which is a weird thing to say to a guy who has spent the last three hours sitting on a toilet tank.
Margaret, we took turns.
We do a five-hour stakeout and this is the day he doesn't show up? I'm not thinking too clearly.
I need to splash some cold water on my face.
You know, we might want to coordinate with the dining hall.
He'll strike tomorrow for sure, because the menu is kale-heavy.
- [HANK SCREAMS] - What is it, Hank? I know why our non-flusher didn't show up today.
He was doing his business here.
In my apartment? No! No! He knows we're watching him and he's taunting us.
What do you want?! Take a look at my tinkle-time puzzle book.
The word searches, the-the jumbles, the sudoku he solved them all.
Wait a minute.
The puzzles, the taunting it's been under our noses this whole time.
The non-flusher has got to be - Karl.
- Sid.
Right.
Karl makes a lot more sense.
- [THUD] - Oh.
[SCREAMS] Right.
Night terrors.
[SCREAMS] Not loving that.
[SNEEZES SOFTLY] Oh.
What was that awful noise? Margaret? Hi, sleepyhead.
What's going on here, Margaret? Well, really funny story.
My friends have been playing this practical joke on me, and they accused you of being We know it was you, Karl.
What are you guys doing here? Saving this great nation! Ruining the west wing bathroom was one thing, but my bathroom? It's too much.
That's where I go to the bathroom.
How many Froyo samples is enough for you, Karl? Eight, nine? Is it ten?! All right, you guys, give it a rest.
Karl, I just need you to answer me one simple question.
Are you the Zodiac Killer? He was the Zodiac Killer.
He is the West Wing Bandit.
Admit it, you sick son of a bitch.
Yes.
It was me.
Of course it was me.
You figured it out.
I got a thrill out of doing my thing and watching everyone spin out.
W-Which question are you saying yes to? Margaret, you and me I just don't think it's gonna work out.
You seem a little psycho.
Oh, no.
You're not breaking up with her.
She's breaking up with you.
We don't let our friends date bathroom bandits that wipe their booties with the U.
S.
Constitution.
And FYI, I would have finished my puzzle book, - I just needed more time.
- Wha You deserve better than this, Margaret.
You need someone who knows how to treat a beautiful toilet.
W-Wait.
But-but, Karl.
Wait.
I just need to know.
Please, tell me.
Karl! Karl! Are you the Zodiac? Blink for the first time since I've known you if you're the Zodiac.
["HURDY GURDY MAN" BY DONOVAN STARTS PLAYING] [WHIMPERS] Thrown like a star in my vast sleep I opened my eyes to take a peek To find that I was by the sea Gazing with tranquility It was then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs Of love Hurdy, gurdy hurdy, gurdy, hurdy