The Cool Kids (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

1 (wailing) Life's not fair.
It's not fair! Hank, are you crying? I'm not crying.
You're crying! Margaret, what's wrong? My friend Donna died, okay? - MARGARET: Oh.
Aw.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Worst part is my ex-wife's going to that funeral, too.
I haven't seen that she-devil since our divorce.
I can't even stand to hear her name.
You mean Lorraine? Damn it, Sid! I assume she's gonna be there with her great big fiancé, Reggie.
All right, that's it.
I'm not gonna go.
That's a good idea.
Seeing Lorraine and her new man is the last thing you need.
No, you absolutely have to go, Hank.
Good point.
You've got to go.
The first time you see your ex after you split is the Super Bowl for winning the divorce.
Take it from me.
- Why? You won your divorce? - (groans) No, I lost.
Miserably.
He was dropping our daughter off just as I was coming out to get the paper, in my robe, fresh out of the shower.
Bent over to pick up the paper.
The wind blew my robe up.
(sighs) He's been calling me Newspaper Butt ever since.
Damn, girl.
That's rough.
- Tears.
- Yeah.
You think that's bad there was a busload of third graders across the street.
Now I'm a registered sex offender.
Anyway, you absolutely have to do this, Hank.
- You got to win this.
- How? Lorraine is engaged to a former NFL player.
I'm a former meter man.
I will go with you.
I will be your hype man.
It's all about convincing Lorraine that you are happier without her.
My job is to show her how amazing your new life is.
- Well, how you gonna do that? - I'm gonna lie.
I'm gonna lie my Newspaper Butt off.
Ooh, can Charlie and me come? We love funerals.
- We never miss one.
- (Margaret laughs) You're acting like funerals are parties.
Uh, yeah! Yeah, think about it.
Teens have proms, young adults have weddings, and we have funerals.
It's the ultimate after-party.
I get to wear my fanciest suit, there's an open bar, and sometimes people hook up right there in the funeral hall.
Oh, come on.
Nobody gets freaky at funerals.
Yes, they do! You've heard of the mile-high club? There's also a six-feet-under club.
CHARLIE: Yep.
Get your computer and Bing it.
All right.
We're trying to make Hank look cool here.
You guys are not invited to the funeral.
Got it.
See you at the reception.
All right.
Let's go over this again.
You made some wise investments that allow you to travel the world.
You have multiple friends with boats.
And you hung out with Don Johnson once at a Phoenix Suns game.
Yeah, and he bought me a hot dog, 'cause he doesn't let fame go to his head.
That's why we're friends.
'Sup, y'all? What's the haps and where's the apps? - We're here to put the "fun" in "funeral"! - Yeah.
What the hell are you guys doing here? We told you we're funeral crashing.
Just like they did in that hit movie starring, um Oh, what are their names again? The, um the, um the-the tall guy from the-the thing.
(sighs) Oh, who cares? Ooh, crab cakes! I don't know where Donna ended up, but I have died and gone to heaven.
Margaret.
(panting) He she them.
(panting) That's them? That's Reggie? Damn.
Damn.
- Margaret.
- Well, I'm sorry, but just damn.
All right, uh, if this lie is gonna work, then you got to try to act cool, okay? Pull it together.
You're drooling a little bit.
Actually, so am I.
This woman does something to me.
She-she discombobulates my-my-my-my my-my-my-my my-my head wires.
Can you believe she threw a perfectly good marriage, 40 years, down the toilet for this dumb jock? With all of that, he doesn't need to be smart.
All right, just c-calm down and speak slowly.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah, I mean, I got this.
I'm Hank.
- Yeah.
- I'm Hank.
I'm Hank! I know who the hell you are, Hank.
I was married to your old ass, remember? Hi, Lorraine.
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm handsome.
Don Johnson has hot dog and-and-and boats.
(chuckles) Killin' it.
Well, hello, everyone.
- I'm Margaret.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) - Well, you're Hank's girlfriend? Oh, well, let me just give you a quick tip, baby girl.
Run! Run for your life! Girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just his friend.
I'm one of his many friends.
He is so popular.
Nice to meet you, Margaret.
I'm Reggie.
Yes, you are.
- Hey, man.
I - Yeah, we met.
You remember.
When I walked in on you sleeping with my wife in my bedroom.
You a whole lot taller standing up.
So, you good? Y'all good? Everything good? Oh, lay off him.
No, no, it's all right, sweetheart.
Hank, I want you to know, man to man, that I'm sorry.
I did what I did out of love.
This woman is my soul mate.
(chuckles) That's right, baby.
So, Hank, you're still bald.
That's going well? Well, actually, Hank is living pretty large nowadays.
He's made some really good investments.
Yeah, I got in early on them, uh, dinosaur bones.
Eggs, too.
Course, that's where the big money is, 'cause you can, uh, hatch more dinosaurs.
(Margaret laughs) What a great joke.
(chuckles) Actually, he invested primarily in cryptocurrencies, and he sold them before they crashed.
The dinosaur thing is just a joke.
- Right, Hank? - Yeah.
Because we all know that the, uh, dinosaur bones, that's not an actual investment? So, uh, what about you, Reggie? What you doing in your retirement? Did you have to sell all your trophies like that, uh, O.
J.
there? No, no.
I spend most of my time helping the community.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I play football with kids that have cancer.
Little Tyler got his first touchdown this week.
(exhales) (grunts) Sorry.
They're just such strong warriors, you know? They inspire me.
Well, I do all that, too.
Course, them little kids never scored on me.
(clears throat) Did I hear somewhere that y'all two got engaged? I believe I heard the news.
I was on a friend of mine's yacht in "Ibitha" when I heard it.
Well, anyway, congratulations for finally putting a ring on it.
(chuckles) And what a ring.
(chuckles) Okay, shield your eyes, everybody.
Pa-pow! (chuckles) Ooh, I kept telling Reggie it's too big.
(chuckles): Especially compared to my old one.
Hank, where'd you get that from, a vending machine? A cereal box? Honey, let's, uh, try to keep this classy.
I'm having lots of sex! With all kind of women.
Hot women, too.
Laying that pipe.
MARGARET: Yeah, it's true.
(chuckles) He's broken a lot of hearts and a lot of bed frames.
It's not even gross to think about.
Well, um (stammers) R-Reggie just bought me a house.
Uh-huh.
We do it in there.
(chuckles) Uh-huh.
All up in the house.
(chuckles) I'm talking about sex.
House.
- Sex! - Lorraine.
- (chuckles) - Lorraine, this is not the time nor the place to be so petty.
All right? L-Let's go pay our respects.
Excuse us.
- You see how rattled she was? - (chuckles) Her left eye was twitching all the way down.
You are one hell of a hype man.
- Thank you, Margaret! - Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
You so won that.
- (laughing) By the way, Reggie seems super nice.
What a great guy.
What a great big beautiful guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what a great day to be alive! I'm so sorry for your loss.
Very special lady.
(both laughing) (laughs): Oh, Charlie.
This might be the best funeral we ever crashed.
- Yeah.
- I know it would be tacky, but do you think we should take some of these lobster tails to go? Are you kidding? I have so much shrimp in my pockets, I smell like a chum bucket at SeaWorld.
Is that you, Bull's-eye? I knew it.
(chuckles) You old son of a bitch! (chuckles) I can't believe you came! Well, of course I came! (chuckles nervously) (mouthing): What's happening? (chuckles) I'll be damned.
I haven't seen you since we left our post in 'Nam.
The best gunner in the United States Air Force came all this way? (chuckles) I'm honored.
Pow, pow, pow.
- And you must be Wilkins.
- What? The two of you always were inseparable.
(chuckles) We-we-we were? You know, there I think there's a tiny mix-up that I can't tell you how how much it means to me you've come to my wife's funeral.
But I guess that's what you do for your colonel.
It's just so good to see your faces.
(stammering) Wilkins and I wouldn't have missed it for the world! And I'm Bull's-eye! The other guys in our squadron are gonna crap twice and die when they see you.
- Come on.
- I'm crapping already.
Thanks for your help.
But you should've let me go on about the dinosaur bones.
Lorraine loves those Jurassic Park movies.
Sometimes she likes me to dress up as a dinosaur, you know, for the lovemaking.
(chuckles) Tyrannosaurus Sex! That's what she called it.
I guess that's a story for another time.
Yeah.
I think that might be a story for a never time.
Oh! They're arguing.
She just tilted her head.
That means she is pissed.
And if she flips her hair, look out.
Come on, girl, flip your hair.
Flip your hair, baby.
- She flipped her hair.
- What does that mean? That means they're in a big ol' fight and I won my divorce.
And Reggie's leaving.
(laughs) Well, we may just have ruined her whole life.
- Awesome.
- Yeah, now she's alone.
All alone.
Sexy and alone.
Wait, what? I'm gonna go get my wife back.
You said you hate her.
Yeah.
That's when she wasn't available.
Wish me luck.
Tyrannosaurus Sex is heading in.
(roaring) Hey, boys, look who I found.
Bull's-eye and Wilkins.
You guys have a lot to catch up on.
Yeah, we certainly do.
- Uh - Yeah.
Yep.
You guys start.
May I have your attention? Uh, look, I just want to thank you all for coming here today.
To honor Donna's memory, my squadron and I are gonna sing our old Air Force fight song.
- You ready, boys? - Um (humming) - Off we go - We go - Into the wild blue yonder - Going up there Climbing high - Into the sun - Into the sky - Here they come - Off we have - Zooming to meet our thunder - We are four men At 'em, boys, give 'er the gun - And keeping it dry - Pa-pa-pa-pow Down we dive - Spouting our flames from under - CHARLIE: Spilling the vapors near you Oh, hey, Lorraine.
You're sitting all alone.
Baby, you all right? Shut up, Hank.
I'm fine.
Well, I saw you flip your hair, girl.
(whoops) I see that you and Reggie were fighting.
Yeah, whatever.
We're going through a rough patch.
Thinking about you in Ibiza with all your yacht hos - Made me feel a little - Jealous? - Yes.
- Envious? Well, it means the same thing, so yeah.
Congratulations.
Your life is better than mine.
Well, uh (clears throat) Here's the deal it's not.
Look, uh, me and Margaret kind of stretched the truth there a little bit.
(clears throat) I've never been to "Ibitha," and I'm not rich.
I just told you all that to make you jealous and envious.
Oh, that's messed up.
(chuckles) But to tell you the truth, it's kind of refreshing.
I mean, Reggie, he's just too nice.
Even when we argue, he's never mad.
Well, that's too bad.
It sounds like there's no fire.
Now, me and you? - We had fire.
- Ugh.
We were a fire hazard.
Mmm.
The best part about fighting was the making up afterwards.
(chuckles) Shut up, Hank.
(both laugh) Flying men Guarding our nation's border We'll be there, followed by more In echelon We carry on Shout! Nothing can stop the U.
S.
Air Force Air Force (applause) - Oh, wow.
- Ah.
Oh.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
What the hell, you guys? Why are you singing with the Air Force? Well, isn't it obvious, Margaret? We have to pretend that we're Bull's-eye and Wilkins so the colonel doesn't get upset.
(laughs) Yeah.
Catch up, Margaret.
And where's Hank? He missed our big number.
Oh, he ran off with Lorraine a while ago.
I think he's trying to have dinosaur sex - with her or something.
- Oh, no.
He didn't do the arms, did he? How did you let this happen? He was almost over her.
Lorraine is poison for him.
Yeah, Margaret.
We ought to put you in the brig.
That's Air Force for jail.
How is this my fault? Hank is a mature man.
He can think for hims-s Oh, this is all my fault.
We got to go stop them.
- Let's bring our boy back home.
- Yeah.
Off we go - Into the wild blue yonder - Pa-pow! Pa-pa-pa-pow Maybe they're in here? Oh, no.
Definitely not in here.
(chuckles) A dark room filled with velvet-lined beds? Oh, yeah, they're in here.
Nobody has sex in a coffin.
Um, coffin salesmen? Count Dracula? That's two just off the top of my head.
(thudding) Ooh.
Oh, boy.
We're about to see Hank naked.
All right, well, if you have have a weak stomach, you might want to turn away.
I will be turning away.
Go for it, Charlie.
I'm on it.
(clears throat) - Hi, Hank.
- Ooh.
What the hell? You guys have weddings and proms.
This is our thing.
I'm okay with letting them have this one.
Hey, when you guys are done, there's sandwiches in the other room.
Ooh, ooh.
We're about to do this, huh? At the funeral? You damn straight.
(roaring) Ooh, I can't believe I'm actually going to join the six-feet-under club.
- That's a real thing? - Oh, yeah.
I'm just taking this as your official apology for cheating on me and throwing 40 years of marriage down the drain.
It's okay, I forgive you, baby.
Ow! What the hell? Me apologize to you? The divorce was your fault.
My fault? You cheated on me.
Because you were a terrible husband.
You always forgot our anniversary.
That's 'cause it was so close to Christmas.
It was in April, Hank.
You never did a damn thing.
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever! - You never did the laundry.
- You were better at it.
- You never cooked.
- You were better at it.
- You never listened to me.
- You were better at it! Now, are we sexy fighting, or are we real fighting? Okay, so we're real fighting now.
I can't believe I almost made this-this huge mistake.
You know what, Hank? You're not a Tyrannosaurus Sex.
You're a selfish pig.
Oink.
Oink.
Piggy.
(laughs) Piggy! (sighs) There you are.
Please tell us you didn't sleep with Lorraine.
And if you did, please tell us how it was.
No, I did not.
You're not gonna believe what this crazy lady said.
Now, y'all ready to laugh? Yeah, we're at a funeral, aren't we? Well, get this.
She said the divorce was all my fault because I was a lousy husband, I was selfish and never listened to her.
Well, is all of that true? Well, I don't know.
She cheated on me.
Did you ever stop to think why she cheated on you? I-I bet it's 'cause of all that stuff he just said.
What? Am I sucking too loud? Hey.
Leave me alone.
- Listen, I want to - Oh, now you want me to listen? I listened for 40 years; I'm done listening.
I only ever looked at our divorce from my point of view.
I'm listening.
Well, it was easy for me to blame you for the divorce 'cause you cheated on me, but I realize now our marriage was broken long before that.
Well, thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
Th-That means a lot.
Well, I'll take my 50% of the blame.
I took you for granted.
Yes, you did, but I still shouldn't have cheated on you.
Well, that's your 50%.
And Reggie's a good guy.
I see how he's taking care of you, and, well, maybe that's more important than having fire.
Lorraine, I've been looking all over for you.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
I should actually get those back to the altar.
I felt weird taking them, but I didn't want to show up without a gift for you.
I should have never left you alone at your friend's funeral, baby.
That was wrong of me, and I take full responsibility.
- You forgive me? - (chuckles) See? That's how you do it.
I forgive you, baby.
(coughing): Wuss.
- Did you just call me a wuss? - No, no.
I was calling myself a wuss.
Look at you.
You're tall and-and-and strong.
Bye.
So I called him a "wuss" right to his face.
I was gonna knock him out, but then he got on his knees and begged forgiveness, so I let it slide.
I wish you guys could have seen it, - 'cause it definitely happened.
- Yeah.
Sid.
At ease, gentlemen.
I know you're not Bull's-eye and Wilkins.
You do? How? 'Cause they're not real people.
I made them up.
I knew you were crashers the minute I saw you, like, uh, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
That's it.
So the boys and I had some fun with you.
(laughs) Seeing you try to sing our song was hilarious.
Hilarious 'cause we were so good? So good (high-pitched): Good Uh, no.
But listen, it was nice having a laugh on such a tough day.
So, uh, thanks, boys.
Madam, are you ready for our date? Sir, yes, sir.
I'll, uh, see you out there.
What? I like a man in uniform.
Oh, come on.
His wife is dead.
Leave me alone.
Off I go Into the wild blue yonder Flying high into the sun, pa-pa-pa-pow