The Cool Kids (2018) s01e15 Episode Script

1 Wow, John.
A bike trip through wine country sounds amazing.
Maybe next we'll take a wine trip through bike country.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I'm kidding.
I know there's no bike country.
Oh, there is? Oh! [LAUGHS.]
: Now you're kidding.
Oh, I miss you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Bye-bye.
Charlie, will you just shoot me in the head? Now? Can I have your bacon first? I can't take a bike trip.
Oh, honey, 'cause your feet won't reach the pedals? My feet's about to reach your face.
I never learned to ride a bike, okay? HANK: Who cares? Nothing sadder than a grown man riding a bike.
Well, Rollerblades, I guess.
That said, what grown man doesn't know how to ride a bike? I never learned.
I got my first bicycle when I was six.
I traded it in for a canopy bed.
I never got another one.
Bike, that is.
I'm on my ninth canopy bed.
So just tell John the truth.
I mean, I showed Kathleen my toes, and I think she'll get over it.
I can't tell John the truth.
We just started dating.
I have to be the perfect version of myself.
Sid's right.
Early on, you got to put your best foot forward.
I once held in a fart for a year.
When he finally dumped me, boy, did I let 'er rip.
[CHUCKLES.]
Scared the hell out of my dog.
Great, Margaret.
Now I have something else I got to worry about.
I'm on it.
Here's your beer, Mr.
Hank.
Thank you, Ernie.
I assume you vacuumed as well? Yes, Mr.
Hank.
Even under the bed.
Mm.
Well, just keep in mind, some of that stuff was there when I moved in.
Wait, hold on.
Who is this kid, and when was he here taking drink orders? This is Ernie.
I'm his mentor.
You're mentoring someone? Do people need to be taught to be bitter and alone? Ernie, never bring her a beer.
You may go.
Shady Meadows does a program with the local high school.
See, me and Ernie, we supposed to learn from each other, but since I already know everything, I've been teaching him the ways of the world.
Well, that's ridiculous.
You're just using this kid.
I mean, if anybody should mentor him, it should be me.
I am wise as crap.
Margaret, it's called a men-torship, not a woman-torship.
Come on, I'm looking out for him.
Do you have any idea how treacherous high school is for a nerd? This doofus actually wanted to go to the prom.
Well, what's wrong with that? What is he, a bad dancer or something? [CHUCKLES.]
Is he a bad dancer? Margaret, did you look at him? I'm gonna guarantee he is a bad dancer.
Well, that's just crazy.
He needs to go to prom.
It's the best.
Making out with your date on the dance floor.
Banging the guy that you really wanted to go with after.
Did I ever tell you I was the prom queen? Yes, you did, the day we met.
I believe it was right after, "Hi.
I'm Margaret.
" Look, I was cool in high school.
Ernie is not.
I think it best he just skip the prom and stay here so he can alphabetize my colognes.
Your colognes? What do You pay for that smell? I figured it'd be best to practice on a stationary bike before you get on the real thing.
I owe my six-pack to this baby.
Maybe I don't need to learn to ride a bike.
It's just gonna be a matter of time before John figures out that we are not a good match.
He's active and fit.
And me? I can't even touch my toes, and they're, like, right there.
Look, Sid, you're out of your comfort zone.
That happens with a new relationship.
And I don't want to see you mess up what you and John have because you can't do something that most five-year-olds can do.
I can do tons of things a five-year-old can't do.
Could a five-year-old do this? Probably.
- All right.
- Come on.
[MUMBLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CONTINUES MUMBLING.]
Okay.
Okay, you've never even seen someone get on a bike, right? You get in from the side.
Just like a canopy bed.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh! Well, now you're speaking my language.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay, there you go.
All right.
Now, picture this.
It's a long and winding road.
John is in front of you.
And he's-he's-he's sweating, and he's in those tight bicycle shorts, isn't he? Uh, sure.
Here I come, John! - Yeah.
- I'm riding a bike! [LAUGHS.]
I'm riding a bike.
[SCREAMS.]
I should have told you, it-it does that sometimes.
[KNOCKING.]
Oh.
Uh, Mr.
Hank's not home, and he doesn't like anyone in the house while I'm ironing his delicates.
His delicates? I don't think you can call them "delicates" if you get them out of a big bin at Costco.
Geez, are you doing his whole wardrobe? Well, as Mr.
Hank says, "A man without clothes is just a baby with chest hair.
" Hank is so cool.
Does "cool" mean something different nowadays? You know, there is, uh, somebody else around here who's cool.
Pretty cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
A certain lady.
Who? Me! I am cool.
And I think not going to prom is a big mistake.
But Hank told me that 80% of suicides are prom-related.
Oh, no.
I-I think it's much lower than that.
Are you telling me that there is actually nobody that you would want to ask? Are you trying to get me to say you again, or? [CHUCKLING.]
: Oh, honey, I was the prom queen.
Baby steps.
Well, I'd ask this girl Shauna, but would a first-chair tuba really go with me? I mean, the world is her oyster.
Girl who plays the tuba sounds like a perfect last-minute prom invite.
Are you sure? I mean, my coolest move - [ROBOT VOICE.]
: is my robot voice.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
Maybe, uh, maybe go text her.
[DOOR OPENS.]
What are you doing here? Ernie's asking a girl to the prom.
The hell he is.
I'm trying to help this boy.
Look at this nerd.
He was born stuffed in a locker.
Ow! He's sitting right there.
It's okay, ma'am.
I know what I am.
You know, back when I was very, very, very cool in high school, I used to mess with nerds like Ernie all the time.
At my prom, I pantsed a nerd and I made him eat worms.
You brought worms to the prom? No.
I made another nerd bring them to me.
That's how cool I was.
You see, now I'm making up for all that.
I am using my present to fix my past much like they did in Back to the Future and Back to the Future II, and I assume Back to the Future III, but I didn't see that one.
ERNIE: Shauna said yes.
I texted her, and she said yes.
Thanks to Miss Margaret.
Oh.
Good for you.
I think what you really needed was a good woman-tor.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't that what you said earlier, Hank? You say so much stupid crap, it's hard to keep track.
[SIGHS.]
[ROBOT VOICE.]
: This is awesome.
I'm going to boogie at prom.
They gonna kill this boy, Margaret.
MARGARET: Hey, Hank.
Ernie wanted to say goodbye before he heads off to the dance.
I got him this far, but he wants you to tie his bow tie for him.
Well, okay, but only because you got him looking like he's about to fix James Bond's laptop.
Now, if it was me, I'd have put you in a purple suit with a couple two-finger rings.
So you want him to look like a pimp? Margaret, women like pimps.
That's how pimps become pimps.
Now, stop distracting me.
Hold up.
There you go.
All set.
Okay.
Well, we'll fix that before you go.
Looks like a cat did it.
He's gonna kill at the dance, by the way.
Show him the new dance move I taught you, Ern.
Okay.
One sweet move coming right up.
HANK: Mm-hmm.
So, I guess Margaret's pretty adamant about you remaining a virgin, huh? Ernie, put a little more hip into it.
Hips.
Come on, find that hip, sweetie.
- Come on.
- This? Right here? - Come on, you got it.
- No, Ernie, Ernie.
- Ernie.
- Yeah? If you gonna go, hang back.
Lean against the wall.
Nod your head to the music.
Occasionally, you point to your friend.
Oh.
Okay, so this? Yeah, that's it.
Okay.
All right.
All right, you got it now.
- Hey, Mom.
- Wait, what? Mom? I said friend.
My mom is my best friend.
Oh, damn it.
Okay.
We gonna have to pull the plug on this one.
He's gonna embarrass himself.
Shauna is gonna laugh at you.
Laugh at me? Is that really gonna happen? No, she is not gonna laugh at you.
You saved her from spending prom night with her tuba.
- Oh, she's bringing her tuba.
- Oh, damn it.
You gonna have nerd blood on your hands, Margaret.
Nerd blood! Look.
Did you fall off a stationary bike? Sure.
Is that virtually impossible to do? Absolutely.
But you can't give up.
John's worth it.
But I'm scared.
I mean, cars whizzing around.
What about birds? There are so many distractions.
And with my A.
D.
D Cookies.
We're having cookies tonight.
What kind of lunatic sends a nerd to the prom? I mean, she is sending the lamb to the slaughter.
Oh, so you're just starting your own conversation? I think Shauna's setting him up.
This whole thing may be one big prank.
Oh, Hank, why does your mind go to these places? Because high schoolers are the spawn of Satan and their actions are at the direction of Beelzebub.
Sid, I think you could learn from Ernie.
That dorky bastard has a 90% chance of being hung from a flagpole by his underwear, and he still went to prom.
Unless he rode a bike to the prom, I fail to see the connection.
[PHONE RINGING.]
You got the Hank.
Yeah, Ernie.
Oh, okay, w-well, calm down.
Speak slowly.
Damn it, please, not that robot voice.
All right, sit tight.
I'm coming to you.
Ernie's too scared to go into the dance, so he's hiding out in the bathroom.
I told you he wasn't ready for no prom.
- See, this is all your fault.
- What, my fault? If he's scared, it's 'cause of all the stuff you said.
Your goodbye to him included the phrase "nerd blood.
" - Come on.
- Why can't John and I just do normal boyfriend stuff like have sex? I'm good at that.
I've never once fallen off.
I'm gonna grab our boy, and we gonna head on out of here.
Wow! Look at this place.
Like my old school.
The trophy cases.
The mascot on the floor.
Our team was the Gators.
We're boom, dynamite.
We're boom, dynamite.
We're tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.
Boom, dynamite.
Snap.
Crunch.
Go, Gators.
I didn't follow that at all.
So the gator ate the dynamite? Well, let me guess.
- You were on the cheer squad.
- You're damn straight.
I used to haze those freshmen cheerleaders.
They called me "The Enforcer.
" I mean, nothing too crazy.
Just the usual.
Hit 'em with a sack of boots.
You hit people with boots? That's horrible.
That kind of thing can scar people for life.
Me? You were worse than me.
You fed a kid worms.
No, I didn't.
Y-yeah, I did, I mean.
Well, did you or didn't you? Uh, I Can I see that cheer again? Did you feed worms to a kid or did you not? Because this seems like something that you would remember.
Of course I remember.
'Cause I was fed those worms.
I was tortured every day in high school.
Haven't you ever wondered why I don't fish? No.
I know exactly what Ernie is going through.
So if you'll excuse me, Your Highness, the prom queen, I'm gonna grab our boy and we going home.
Oh, Hank, I am really sorry that happened to you, and about you not being able to fish.
But this isn't about you.
It's about Ernie.
It could go great, or it could go really, really bad, but you got to let Ernie find that out for himself.
No, you wouldn't understand.
'Cause you were cool.
So, if you'll excuse me, there is a teenage boy that needs me in the bathroom.
Okay, Sid.
I solved your outside problem.
No cars.
No birds.
Just you, the bike and the open hallway.
- I'm gonna do it.
- All right.
- On the count of three.
- Okay.
BOTH: One two - I can't do it.
- [SIGHS.]
John needs to find a new boyfriend.
I might as well just get out of this thing before he dumps me.
Plus, this helmet is hurting my ears.
All right, you're right.
Yeah, he needs someone less pathetic.
It is unnatural for humans to be on two wheels.
- Four, I get.
- Mm-hmm.
- Three, I get.
- Mm-hmm.
One is weird but cute when animals do it.
But two I do not get.
Well, you know who does get two? John's next boyfriend Pierre.
He's a French expat living in the Bahamas.
And you know what the French love, don't you? Turtlenecks.
Well, yes, but also bikes.
I can see it now, riding off into the sunset, John and Pierre, in their matching turtlenecks.
Oh, hell no.
John is my boyfriend.
Screw you, Pierre.
John, here I come.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I'm riding a bike.
You tricked me, Charlie.
Thank you.
No, that's all you, Sid.
Now stop before you hit that table.
Uh, I don't know how to stop.
Scared.
Your boy's real scared.
[CRASHING.]
Ouch.
I should have left that helmet on.
I see that now.
Does anybody work here? Ernie, you in here? - ERNIE: Yeah.
- Listen.
I got to tell you something that's gonna rock you to your core.
The coolest person you know was a nerd.
ERNIE: My mom? [QUIETLY.]
: Do not hit the boy.
I'm wearing my fake butt underwear, and still nothing.
If he doesn't ask me to dance soon, I'm just gonna ask him.
Hey, gals.
I couldn't help but overhearing.
Butt looks terrif', by the way.
I was my high school's prom queen.
So So? So, if you need any advice on anything, you know, prom-related, - Maggie Mag's here to help.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thanks.
But we don't need any advice from some lame grandma.
Lame? I smoked pot.
And I had lots and lots of sex.
And back then, we didn't even use any protection.
We just lit a cigarette and said a prayer.
Smoking's gross.
And we practice abstinence.
Abstinence? [SCOFFS.]
Good luck getting that guy to dance with you.
So, after I washed the taste of worms out of my mouth, I went back on the dance floor, and I saw the same dude that fed me the worms dancing with my date.
I spent the rest of the night crying under the bleachers.
For the next two years, every time I walked down the hallway, all I heard was, "Crybaby ass!" "You need a hankie, Hankie?" "Hey, Hankie, Hankie, with your crybaby ass.
" Well, you get the point.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[STALL DOOR OPENING.]
I cry sometimes, too.
Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, Ernie.
Ernie, we in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Let-let's get out of here.
Prom's not a place for nerds like us.
Yeah, but you didn't let me finish my story.
I told you what I did, but I didn't tell you what I should have done.
I should have gone back out on that dance floor and danced my butt off.
You can still do that.
You think so? I know so.
Just 'cause bad stuff happened to me doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you.
Go on out there and find Shauna.
Yeah, uh, okay.
How do I look? Like a little pimp.
You feel good? [ROBOT VOICE.]
: Affirmative, Mr.
Hank.
[ROBOT VOICE.]
: Go out there and make some memories.
Whew.
It's Ernie's turn.
[GASPS.]
Oh, a kiss on the cheek.
That's like third base for a nerd, but you know that.
I can't believe it, but I did it.
I'm a pretty good mentor after all, aren't I? No, not really.
So, uh, would you like to get a photo with the prom queen? I don't know, she looks kind of mean.
I'm talking about me.
Hey, yo, toots, can I borrow this for a sec? You know what, Hank? I feel like I really know now what it feels like to be a nerd.
When you were in the bathroom with Ernie, I ran into these three mean girls, and they called me "lame.
" So I feel your pain.
[CHUCKLES.]
I ate worms, Margaret.
So, you gotten any update? What happened with Ernie and Shauna? Ernie and Shauna had a great time at the prom last night.
So great that tonight, Ernie and Shauna and Ernie's mom are going out again.
Good news here I learned how to ride a bike.
I also learned that when you crack your coccyx, your three best friends don't even send you flowers.
I'm serious, you can just get 'em off the fireplace, bring me something.
And I learned Hell, we don't all have to learn something, do we? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm frickin' 70.