The Cool Kids (2018) s01e16 Episode Script

The Cool Kids Un-Retire

1 Hank, if your neck is so sore all the time, why don't you just buy a new mattress? Who am I, Warren Buffet? I'm on a fixed income.
I can't just be buying a new mattress every 25 years.
Yeah, I get all my mattresses from the street.
Sometimes they even come with a free raccoon.
All right, Hank, I'm just gonna very gently - Okay, now Whoa! - [BONES CRACK] Oh! You demon! Wait a minute.
Wow.
You fixed it.
- CHARLIE: Oh.
- Nice work, demon.
Mm.
Well, Sid.
- Ah.
- I'm off to Milan for a week again.
Listen, I have some rather fickle ficus.
You sure you can handle watering my plants while I'm gone? I know you poors don't like to work.
SID: You know it.
Everybody, this is Edie.
She lives over in Shady Meadows West, where the rich people live.
I wandered over there once, and Edie was kind enough to escort me out.
Here's the key.
Be sure to remove your shoes on the rug.
And I must insist you sit when you urinate.
Ooh, do we stand when we do number two? Oh, forget I said that.
Uh, uh, don't you worry.
I'm going to treat your fickle fici as if they were my own.
See that you do.
Toodily oodily.
Gee, I hope they let her through security with that stick up her butt.
Sid, why would you do anything for that snobby woman? Any other stupid questions, stupid? Sorry.
Living the high life is getting to me.
Oh, it's plastic.
Wow.
So this is how the other half lives.
Two bed, two bath.
Washer, dryer.
Yeah.
Now I don't have to get glared at by Meredith McDougle in the laundry room.
The woman is there every day, yet her clothes are always dirty.
What are you washing, Meredith?! Ooh-wee! Ooh, this massage chair is working my neck out.
And my butt! Oh! Thattagirl! Work that booty.
MARGARET: Look at that crappy apartment down there with the two-cent window treatments.
What what kind of an animal lives there? Oh.
I think that's actually my place.
This kitchen is great.
I love to cook.
Reminds me of my days as a chef on a wagon train.
Frontierland at Disney World.
Cookie, anyone? - Yeah, sure.
- [HANK GROANS] - Wow.
- This is the life.
Mmm.
MARGARET: Holy crap, Charlie.
These are really good.
- I had no idea you bake.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I like to get stoned and just let my creativity run wild.
Sometimes it leads to baking, and sometimes it leads to, uh What were we talking about? Okay.
Fast.
Oh, fast.
Wait a minute.
I don't think I feel comfortable with this.
Hold up.
Yes, I do.
If this ever goes to trial, I'm a witness for the chair.
You know what, Charlie? You could make some decent money - selling these cookies.
- Oh, Charlie, you'd be adorable selling cookies.
Like a stoned, wrinkly Girl Scout.
What am I saying? That would be terrifying.
Yeah, I appreciate it, guys, but no.
No, cooking is just a hobby I picked up when I retired, like, uh Like, what-what are we talking about? Ben and Jerry started as a fun hobby, too, and look at them now.
Yeah, I don't care about your other friends.
You guys like this place, right? It's only $1,000 a month more.
I mean, if we could turn Charlie's Cookies into a real business which I know how to do we could all be living in Shady Meadows West.
I mean, isn't this what we want our retirement to look like? I've always wanted to be a snob.
I so seldom get to look down on people.
I could use the spare money to buy a nice mattress.
I mean, if I keep lying on mine, I won't be able to turn my neck to the left.
How am I gonna watch tennis? I'll be all like [GRUNTING] What do you say, Charlie? They're your cookies.
Well, you know, we didn't retire to retire from retirement.
If we retired to make money for our retirement, then you're not retiring from your retirement.
You have to retire your retirement to retire, and that's tiring.
Look, Charlie, all you have to do is get baked and bake.
I have always dreamed of running my own business.
I will handle everything else.
I don't think so.
Your weed would be a business write-off.
I'm in.
Now, if you will turn to page 14 in your packets, you will see that our marginal costs are gonna start - to decline right here - SID: As will our lives if you don't stop talking! Seriously, Margaret, you said this would be fun.
I have never had less fun in my life, and I was a P.
O.
W.
At least there, they played music.
Okay, guys, we're putting in a little work now so that we can have a lot of fun later.
We need a professional oven like Edie's if we're gonna make enough cookies to get this company off the ground, and we only have a week - before she gets back home.
- [HANK FAKE-SNORING] [LAUGHS] Margaret, here's where you went wrong.
See, you made pie charts when you should've made cookie charts made out of real cookies.
That way, when you're talking, we can be eating bites that represent the profits and losses.
Get in there, Hank.
Save her.
Oh, looks like I need to come in here and take charge.
All right, so, uh, first of all, you don't run a business with all this old nerd stuff.
You got to use your gut.
Mm.
Well, you definitely have me beat in the gut department.
What do you know about business? You were a meter reader for the gas company.
Margaret, I was in sales.
How is reading meters sales? Well, I had to sell the idea of a black man coming on white folks' property.
If I can sell that, cookies will be a piece of cake.
Ooh, we should sell cake.
And doughnuts, too! - And wallets.
- MARGARET: What? No.
No, Charlie's Cookies should only be selling cookies.
Look, you guys, I have been through this whole thing before.
My ex-husband Kenny and I ran a seafood distribution company for years.
And that applies to cakes, doughnuts and wallets how? He didn't listen to me, either, and that's why our company crashed and burned.
Wasn't for him, I'd be the shrimp queen of Pensacola.
While we're bringing up painful memories, "shrimp queen" is really triggering for me.
Anyway, I am not gonna watch another company fail just because a man is too stubborn to listen.
I will be running Charlie's Cookies.
So, you get to be in charge just 'cause you married a moron? What kind of sense does that make? It's called "Charlie's Cookies.
" Okay, so I think it's pretty obvious who should be running it.
Hank.
Can't argue with that logic.
You guys want extra money, right? Hank, you want that new mattress.
Sid, you want the high life.
Charlie, we know you want the high life.
I'm the one that can lead us down that path to success.
Now, I know the charts and the graphs Oh, she's boring us again! I vote for Hank! - Me, too.
- Guys How about you, Margaret? What's your vote? Never mind! Doesn't matter! Hank's in charge.
First order of business: let's go swimming.
All right! 1,000 cookies by Friday.
Absolutely, no problem.
We can make that happen.
Thank you.
You guys, I just landed a huge order.
It's a big resort in Sedona.
Could we now please admit that I am the one who should be in charge? Nope.
But listen to this.
Charlie's got an idea for a chocolate chip cookie where all the chips are little bitty cookies.
We're gonna be so frigging rich.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, you know what? Forget about a mattress.
I'm gonna buy a waterbed, and I'm gonna fill it full of champagne.
Hank, don't be spending money before you got it.
That's just about the most foolish thing you can do.
Guess who's been spending their balls off.
MARGARET: Wha ? Where are the groceries I asked you to buy? And why are you dressed like a Build-A-Bear? Why are you dressed like the manager at a pumpkin patch? We can both be mean, Margaret.
Who wears a fur in Arizona? If I'm gonna live in Shady Meadows West, I got to look the part.
What part is that? The oldest Ewok? How did you afford all of this? I set us up a corporate credit card, silly.
The company pays for it.
We are the company.
We have got to hustle if we're gonna fill this order before Edie gets home.
This is a golden opportunity, guys.
Come on, let's get to work.
Whoa, Margaret, calm down.
You seem a little emotional.
[CHUCKLES] Don't worry about it.
I got this.
You're right.
I am being a little emotional.
Typical woman, right? - [MARGARET CHUCKLES] - You get it.
Oh, she gets it.
Yeah.
Hank, as long as you're in charge, would you mind if I ran out and got all of the supplies that Sid forgot and maybe have myself a a good cry? I approve that.
Have fun.
Finally.
Now maybe we can get some work done.
[MOUTHS] Hank, if we're gonna get rich off this thing, we need a jingle.
I'm thinking something like Lookee, lookee Charlie's got a cookie.
All right, sing that song again.
Let me put some stank on it.
Lookee, lookee Charlie's got a cookie BOTH: Lookee, lookee Charlie's got a cookie.
- Well, that's done.
- Mm.
That's my boss.
Hey, Charlie.
I'm glad you're alone.
Aren't we all really, at the end of the day? Yeah, things got a little heated there earlier, so, uh, I brought over a little peace offering.
- Ooh.
- [CHUCKLES] This is a strain called "Nipple of the Gods.
" It is grown just outside of Humboldt.
I don't need the whole story, J.
K.
Rowling.
Just spark it up.
- HANK, SID AND CHARLIE: Lookee, lookee - [CLAPPING] Charlie's got a cookie Lookee, lookee, Charlie's got a cookie.
That's the best one yet.
I think that four-hour rehearsal we had today really helped.
I've just got to quadruple-check.
It's a "no" on my choreography? Yeah.
Wait a minute.
What is going on here? - Every table is eating our cookies.
- SID: Wow.
Uh, hey, baby, where'd you get these from? Oh.
A red-haired woman sold those to us, and Susan wouldn't buy any, and she called her the "B" word.
- Margaret.
- Yes, that's it.
That's funny, because when she came over the other night, - she didn't mention anything about this.
- Wait.
Hold up.
- She came to see you? - [CHUCKLING]: Yeah, it was fun.
She got me really stoned, and she brought out these legal documents and challenged me to a signature contest, and I - Oh, geez.
- Margaret.
But who won the contest? Margaret! Margaret, open up the door right now! Everything okay, Hank? Because you sound really emotional.
What is going on in here? Well, I'm running a successful business the way I always wanted to.
Hard-working employees, breaks to call grandkids, orders being fulfilled on time, and a business plan that does not involve miniature furs.
This is a youth large.
Blah, blah, blah.
This doesn't change the fact that you stole this business.
I did not steal it.
I bought it fair and square.
How can it be fair when you tricked me? I did not trick you.
You gave me the recipe.
You said I could buy the company for a dollar.
I said I didn't have a dollar.
You said, "Good enough.
" You gave me the company.
Does sound kind of familiar, Hank.
Yeah, well, screw that.
We gonna find our own cookie buyers.
And I know real fat people, Margaret.
Come on, y'all.
Let's go get some supplies.
Yeah, well, about those supplies.
We don't have any money left.
Somebody maxed out our company credit card.
It was your boy.
- Damn it, Sid! - Well, it wasn't just me.
You should see how much Charlie has blown on weed.
We got somebody on the payroll named Dank Steve.
You know, I've been biting my tongue on this all week, but, uh he prefers Dank Steven.
You know, guys, I couldn't help but overhear that you suck, and you've run your company into the ground, and you have no money.
- We did not say that we suck.
- Oh, it was implied.
Anyway, I'm looking for some extra hands in the kitchen if you're interested in working for me.
Over our dead bodies will we humiliate ourselves - by bending the knee to your - CHARLIE: You know, Hank, she does sound like she knows what she's doing.
Yeah, Hank.
We all want that Shady Meadows West life, but - Yeah.
- I don't see it happening with you at the helm.
I'm with Margaret now.
Yeah, me, too.
You bunch of betrayers.
I hope you know this means war.
Cookie war! Good luck trying to sell something without a jingle.
Oh, you mean the jingle that Charlie sold to me? Ladies? Lookee, lookee Margaret's got a cookie.
Damn, damn, damn! Great job, team.
We're gonna have these cookies done with time to spare.
Sid, you're killing it, but you need to take that fur coat off, or else cover your entire body with a hair net.
Oh, I'll just take it off.
I do not know how Russian prostitutes get anything done in these.
Guys, we have got a huge problem.
The oven is not working.
That's 'cause I just turned the gas off.
Never mess with a retired meter reader, baby.
Well, that is pretty stupid, even for you, Hank.
I will just turn the gas back on.
You don't know how.
Ha! Isn't it just a little valve that you turn counterclockwise? Maybe.
But sometimes you need a wrench.
You got a wrench, Margaret? We could just call 24-hour maintenance.
This is Shady Meadows West.
They actually show up.
Shut up, Sid.
Everybody is turning against me.
I lost the company, I lost my friends.
What is next? Hank, you can have all of that back if you will just listen to me.
Well, that sounds like a good idea on opposite day! I will never listen to anything you have to say.
I am taking this company back.
Oh, you wouldn't know what to do with it.
You're a meter maid! [GASPS] Meter man.
Meter man.
Oh [CHUCKLES] Is that supposed to impress me? Your job was wandering around neighborhoods in shorts.
Pleated shorts! Pleated dress shorts! They're the half pants of kings.
Well so, how you gonna make cookies now, now that you don't have any flour? That is sugar, Hank.
So now you gonna get ants.
And-and how you gonna sell all these cookies if you can't find them? [SCREAMS] Oh, I'll save the cookies for Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot tray! - Oops.
- Oh! - Sorry.
My bad.
- [YELLS] Oh, you are such a baby! [GASPS] Would a baby ever do this? [GRUNTS] [SHOUTING] CHARLIE: Hey! Look at yourselves.
This was supposed to be fun, and now you're tearing at each other's throats.
- And for what? - [CHAIR VIBRATING] A little extra money? - You can't enjoy cookies - Oh! without a little milk! - Stop it! - [LAUGHING WILDLY] Stop it! What the hell is the matter with you?! I told you how important this was to me, and you ruined it! Why?! Why, Hank? Because I did something you couldn't do? - What's that, have babies? - There's that, too! Can somebody show me how to turn this thing off? Boy, she's working that ball pretty hard.
Should we wait till she tires out a little? No, let's get right to it.
Charlie, you go in first.
You've seen combat.
Uh, you don't survive by going in first.
All right.
Hey, girl.
How's your day going? Go away.
I'm busy.
Uh, listen, I'm not very good at apologies, so, um we cool? What Hank means to say is that he's sorry.
That's what you mean to say, Hank, right? I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you tell Margaret you're sorry right now.
I'll say I'm sorry when I'm ready.
All right, I'm ready.
So, um, I'm not good with apologies, but I was watching that show, uh, - This Is Us.
- Yeah.
And the black dude on the show would say, uh I can kind of be a jerk when people tell me what to do.
Especially when they're right.
Well, I-I'm kind of the same way.
Except I'm usually right, so it's not that big of a problem for me.
Hey, Tom, don't be petty.
No? Look, guys when I watched my ex-husband run our business into the ground, I swore I would never let a man steamroll me again.
I mean, I love hanging out with you guys, but I'm sick of being condescended to.
I'm sick of being ignored, - I'm sick of being - Margaret I'm sick of being interrupted.
It's not the 1950s, you guys.
Times have changed, and you have to change, too.
I'm not saying you have to agree with me all the time, but I need to be heard.
Well, Margaret, you know what they say.
Men are from Mars, and women are from Well, my mother was from Philadelphia, - but she grew up in a small - Charlie.
Charlie.
We were stupid to not listen to you.
Yeah, and if your ex didn't listen to you, he's stupid, too.
You know, if we all pitch in, it's not too late to finish that cookie order.
What do you say, boss? What do I say? What do I say? Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie ALL: Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie Remix! [ALL WHOOPING] Lookee, lookee, lookee Hey.
[MUTTERS] What the hell did you do to my apartment? Edie, you're home early.
[CHUCKLES] How was Mulan? I'm gonna be honest with you.
Edie, I completely forgot to water your plants.
Feel free to help yourself to some cookies.
[CHUCKLES] And if you find any change in this chair, it's mine.
ALL: Lookee, lookee - We got us a cookie - [WHOOPING] Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie Lookee, lookee We got us a cookie.